King of the Hill 4x19

Brian Doyle-Murray as Jack (voice) • David Herman as Auctioneer (voice) • Steven Barr as Cole (voice)

After his lifelong barber loses it, Hank turns to Army haircutter Bill, who does a fine job on his first civilian head, but at a Government price, prompting Hank to declare war.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Who's getting chocolate milk if he sits still?

2. I'm getting chocolate milk if I sit still.

3. Uh...

4. Hey, Bobby, how'd you like to come to the barber shop with me tomorrow?

5. I don't think it's up to you, Hank.

6. Or you, Bobby.

7. Peggy, you've put in 12 great years cutting Bobby's hair...

8. and he's been very good about it.

9. But Bobby's a big boy now and I think he can handle seeing

10. those copies of Esquire Jack has lying around.

11. I get to go to Jack?

12. Bobby, you start going to him now, maybe in a couple of years

13. you can call him Jack.

14. You can help me pick out my new haircut, Mom.

15. We'll talk about it over chocolate milk.

16. Chocolate milk? Oh, no.

17. You're much too big a boy for chocolate milk.

18. Hey, Jack.

19. So, what'll it be? The Roger Staubach or the rookie Roger Staubach?

20. Well, the Strickland Propane Christmas card photo is coming up.

21. And it's important that my customers recognize me.

22. So I think I'll just have the same haircut

23. I've gotten every two weeks for the past 20 years.

24. Is that the Staubach or the rookie Staubach?

25. Uh, the Staubach.

26. I can't do that. I don't have a stapler.

27. I mean the buzz, buzz... The thing you use...

28. Takes off the hair.

29. Uh, you know what, Jack? I'll just take a rain check.

30. No problem.

31. Give my best to Marci.

32. Well, how's it look, Hank?

33. Uh, fine.

34. Everything's fine.

35. Hop on up, little bunny.

36. That's okay. I just remembered

37. I'm growing my hair out to a modified Troy Aikman.

38. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

39. - Come on, let's go, Bobby. - Not so fast.

40. You sat nice and still.

41. Here you go.

42. I'll, uh... save it for later, how 'bout?

43. Start licking!

44. Here's a picture of you with normal hair mowing your lawn

45. three months ago.

46. And here is a download of you at the post office minutes ago.

47. See the guy in the beard pointing and laughing at your head?

48. That's me.

49. Well, no one else is laughing.

50. Hey, Hank. What'd you do to your hair?

51. It's a nightmare, isn't it?

52. Oh, my, yes.

53. He feathered in the back where he usually tapers.

54. I find it unsubtle, but it's a way to go.

55. Used to see it more... Claude Akins...

56. Ross Martin, Robert Stack...

57. James MacArthur on the third season of "Five-O".

58. That's not what I asked for at all.

59. Of course, I am a trained Army barber.

60. Ah, well, this was on a need-to-know basis

61. but word is that Jack is losing it.

62. Heard he was arrested for running naked with a straight razor and a barber pole.

63. Hank, I have been very respectful

64. of your relationship with Jack over the years

65. but if you're ditching him, give me a little time.

66. I believe I can put together over 20,000 references.

67. I'm not leaving Jack.

68. Jack's the only barber I've ever had.

69. He saved me from my father's haircuts.

70. Forty-five seconds... new record.

71. I think you cut my ear.

72. I think you cry more than that guy I killed out from under that helmet.

73. So Jack had a bad day.

74. Maybe somebody smooth-talked him out of his pension or something.

75. Oh, well, I guess that explains the feathering.

76. Doesn't excuse it.

77. - Have a seat, Hank.

78. My 9:00, 10:00 and 11:00 canceled.

79. Uh... Jack, this is tough to say.

80. I'm not the kind of person who would ask for any special treatment

81. and I still consider you a friend,

82. but I'm not completely satisfied with my haircut.

83. I'm going to have to ask you for a free touch-up.

84. You son of a bitch!

85. - Slow down, Jack. - You tipped me two dollars.

86. That tip was a lie.

87. I'm sorry, Hank.

88. It's been a tough few weeks.

89. I'm just lucky everyone was wearing seat belts.

90. Hop on up, pal.

91. - Now take off your shirt. - What?

92. You're going back into work, aren't you?

93. Lunchtime haircut, you take off your shirt.

94. Mm, mm-hmm.

95. Yeah, got it.

96. Wait right here.

97. - Madre de dios!

98. - You said it, honey. - It's okay, everybody.

99. It's me, Hank Hill, assistant manager.

100. Continue with your business as if everything were normal.

101. I'll be working with my door closed for obvious reasons.

102. Hey, who's got their door closed?

103. What's going on in there?

104. Good god, Hank.

105. You look like that fella killed the other fella.

106. Sir, I don't like to point fingers but my barber is...

107. Well, I did ask for a free touch-up, but...

108. No, no, he's out.

109. I still can't pay you for today.

110. Now take the afternoon off and turn your hair back to a boy's color.

111. Have a seat, Hank.

112. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done with this gentleman.

113. Uh, Jack...

114. Uh, I couldn't do this over the phone.

115. Uh, Jack, we've had a great 25 years, but...

116. You don't have to say it, Hank.

117. I'm getting out of the business.

118. I can't stand dealing with the jackasses anymore.

119. You were one of the good ones, Hank.

120. But your kid's a jackass.

121. McMaynerberry has to have a late-night barber shop.

122. Arlen has one, Hank.

123. And it's closer than you think.

124. - Come on, let's go.

125. Peggy, do you know anything about dying hair?

126. What's to know?

127. Hello, Hank. I heard about Jack. I'm sorry.

128. - How did you hear about Jack? - Well, it was on TV.

129. You didn't see the high-speed chase?

130. If there's anything I can help with and it looks like there is...

131. Hank, I've never cut civilian hair

132. but I've been looking at your head a long time.

133. Don't do this, Bill.

134. Trust me, it's not easy being my barber.

135. I know that.

136. You've got those big thick neck muscles

137. that knot up when you're tense leaving that deep, deep valley,

138. and then the northern ridge runs almost transverse to the crown.

139. You worry too much about those and you hit that scar over your left ear.

140. Seems like there's a story there.

141. You never shared it with me, but that's okay.

142. 'Cause you might think I'm a gossip, and I probably am,

143. but how the hell would you know if I'm a bad barber?

144. - He's the same way with me. - You're an amateur, Peggy.

145. Jack was a legend, Hank,

146. but when I come over to my best friend's house

147. and I see this...

148. You're calling me an idiot!

149. I want my old life back.

150. Well, you tell me one got-dang thing you know about cutting hair, Hank.

151. Huh? What was that?

152. I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

153. Bill, how's it going to be in the alley if you screw it up?

154. I can do it, Hank.

155. If you don't like it, we'll never discuss it again.

156. You owe me a chance.

157. Uh... can you dye it back?

158. There are 53 officers on that base

159. who aren't wearing their natural hair color.

160. I dare you to pick 'em out.

161. I need your earliest appointment.

162. I got a 5:00 a.m. and a 5:30, but I can squeeze you in at 6:00.

163. - Okay, then. - Okay, then.

164. Uh, Bill.

165. Hank.

166. I heated some toaster pastries.

167. There's an excellent article about counterfeit truck parts...

168. - Let's just do it. - Mm-hmm.

169. How's that?

170. That's good.

171. Well, that's... that's Jack good.

172. That's the haircut I want for the Strickland Propane Christmas card.

173. You did it, buddy.

174. Book me again in two weeks

175. and every two weeks for the next 25 years.

176. What do I owe you?

177. No, no, Hank. This one's on me.

178. If I could just keep the hair...

179. No, no, this is a great haircut. I insist.

180. Geez, Hank, I don't even think I have a cash register.

181. Hank Hill always pays his barber.

182. Now are you my barber or not?

183. I'll find a way to charge you, I promise.

184. I'll fill out all the proper forms and get the ball rolling.

185. Great. And here's something for you.

186. Ugh, another offer to subscribe to the New Yorker.

187. I... do not wish... to subscribe to your publication.

188. Hmm, something from the US Army.

189. Hope I'm not drafted.

190. Nine hundred dollars for a haircut?

191. Damn it, Bill!

192. And I'm sitting here cutting coupons.

193. Ah, I wish this bill were a mistake, Mr. Hill,

194. but that is how much it costs the Army to give someone a haircut.

195. We pay 80,000 dollars for each military-grade barber chair.

196. The French make a chair that costs 110,000.

197. It's a damn good chair but I'm not going to pay 110,000 dollars for a barber chair.

198. Wasting all that money is like buying a haircut

199. for Saddam Hussein, and I hate Saddam Hussein.

200. I like his haircut, but that's it.

201. Look, I know the chair's too much at 80,000,

202. but then they give us a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion.

203. That's where we make it up.

204. Well, you try getting a B-2 bomber for 1.3 billion.

205. You can't do it.

206. It is a very nice haircut.

207. Nine hundred dollars?

208. I'm sorry, Hank. I had no idea I was that valuable.

209. So that's where the Army makes all its money.

210. Even Bill Clinton only spends 300 dollars on his haircuts

211. and for that, he gets the haircut plus a high colonic

212. administered by Barbra Streisand.

213. I guess I should've offered.

214. If I was going to pay 900 dollars for a haircut,

215. it would have to be an everlasting haircut.

216. Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war.

217. Maybe if you had the Marines on your side.

218. - They're better than us. - Hank, there's something here.

219. It-it's from the Army.

220. Incoming!

221. It's a collection letter.

222. "We don't want to haunt you, but..."

223. All right, they asked for it.

224. I am going to write my congressman.

225. "Representative Jim Powell thinks your problem and flag-burning

226. are among the biggest problems facing America today.

227. That's why Jim Powell has introduced House Resolution 11461.

228. It would ban flag-burning in all..."

229. Ah, he never even read it.

230. I'd go see him in person but no self-respecting bus company

231. would let me on with hair like this.

232. Hey, Hank.

233. I'm going to raise that money for you.

234. Can you do better on the ice crusher?

235. Nine hundred, firm.

236. It only takes one.

237. Don't do it, Dale.

238. I'm not paying 900 dollars for that haircut.

239. If I was going to waste 900 dollars,

240. I'd get something useful, like a compound miter saw.

241. I thought you said I did a good job.

242. But what kind of fool would pay 900 dollars for a haircut?

243. Now, Bill, I could really use a trim.

244. We could do it in my garage.

245. No, I'm only allowed to cut hair at the base.

246. The US Army spent three million dollars training me.

247. Forget the Army. It'll take you ten minutes.

248. - I'll vacuum myself. - Sorry, Hank.

249. You got your principles, I got mine.

250. - Half of a half of a percent. - What?

251. That's what you tipped me.

252. Two dollars on a 900-dollar haircut is less than half of a half of a percent.

253. You don't need Bill. Boomhauer and I love our girl.

254. Yeah, man, I tell you what, man.

255. Little old gal talking a mile a minute, man.

256. Like, slow down, man...

257. No mousse, no gel, shower and go, man.

258. With me, it's all about speed.

259. I don't even have to take my hat off.

260. So, that's where you get your hair cut, huh?

261. What's wrong with our hair?

262. I didn't say anything.

263. Well, she does pimp that conditioner pretty hard.

264. Oh, God, I need a hair net!

265. Okay, look, Hank.

266. Why don't you go ahead and take my 1:00 with Ernst tomorrow.

267. Do not be late unless you want the coldest shampoo of your life.

268. That's him! That's Hank Hill!

269. I think.

270. I've just been in touch with Congressman Jim Powell's office.

271. I'm here to present you with a whistleblower's award of 3,900 dollars

272. plus this point of light.

273. For me?

274. I didn't even know they kept that going.

275. What's the money for?

276. It's ten percent of what you saved the Army

277. by eliminating government waste.

278. This way.

279. I liked the old haircut better.

280. Yeah, I hear they're wearing it short in Guantanamo this summer.

281. It's the Ricky Martin influence.

282. Sir, would the captain like me

283. to throw the lieutenant out of the chair, sir?

284. Sergeant, I have bad news.

285. The base is disbanding the barber unit.

286. They think we're inefficient.

287. Petition to reinstate has been filed but that could take 20 years.

288. I'm sorry.

289. Report for reassignment in the morning.

290. Don't do it, son.

291. I got no place else to go.

292. Thirty-nine hundred dollars...

293. We could get a new roof just for the heck of it.

294. You eliminated Bill.

295. Bill-iminator!

296. What?

297. The Army shut down the sergeant barbers.

298. Now Bill has no purpose in the Army, either.

299. Oh, no.

300. Is Bill all right?

301. I didn't ask. I came straight here

302. so I could see your face when you found out what you did.

303. Is that real crystal?

304. Hey, look, you can make a prism.

305. Maybe you want to take off a little around the ears.

306. I'm sorry. That's not funny.

307. Oh, don't worry about me, Hank.

308. The Army made me a barber... it's theirs to take away.

309. Bill, you're an artist.

310. You do things with hair

311. that I've only seen other people do with wood.

312. Have you ever thought of going out on your own?

313. God, no. Then I'd just be a barber.

314. I wouldn't be cutting hair for my country.

315. No, I'll just punch the clock till I'm ordered not to.

316. Nine AM is overstating it, really.

317. Most days, things don't get rolling till, oh, say, 10:30.

318. Hey, didn't I already give you a pen?

319. Yeah, you already gave me a pen.

320. What are you going to do about it?

321. I can't leave my booth.

322. I'm out of the Strickland Christmas card.

323. Because of your hair?

324. But Christmas is eight months away.

325. Well, Mr. Strickland wanted an elf in the picture

326. and the Arlen midget spends his winters in Florida.

327. Damn it! Customers will think I don't wish them a Merry Christmas.

328. Hector wouldn't wear the antlers five years ago

329. and his sales have never recovered.

330. Wow, you're taking this even harder than poor Bill.

331. You saw Bill?

332. Mm-hmm. Over at the high school job fair.

333. He was wiping eggs off his Jeep.

334. Oh, wait, and Dale has something he wants to tell you...

335. Um, okay, they're auctioning off Bill's old barber equipment today

336. and he's absolutely heartbroken

337. and, oh... and it's all your fault.

338. Try and look surprised.

339. That's the last time I go off base for a haircut.

340. Okay, who here knows how to cut hair?

341. Don't answer, it's a trick!

342. Here's the plan.

343. We have to get as much as we can for 3,900 dollars,

344. less the 900 for the haircut and the 10 percent auction fee.

345. What's that come out to?

346. Uh...

347. Say it again.

348. Oh, look over there.

349. That's Cole Kitten,

350. the kingpin of the Army surplus auction world.

351. First item, number 4801 Army barber chair, originally $80,000.

352. I'm going to start the bidding at two dollars.

353. Three dollars.

354. Four dollars.

355. Hmm?

356. Watch me take this guy out.

357. Five dollars!

358. Six dollars.

359. Two thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars.

360. Three thousand dollars.

361. I'll be honest. I get 20 dollars if I sign you up.

362. I'll give you half of it.

363. Dauterive. In. Now!

364. Dauterive,

365. your records have been doctored to show you as a master electrician

366. with a security clearance for pinball repair,

367. but your actual mission is to stand at this privately-donated chair...

368. which does not exist, do you understand me?

369. And do the only thing you're good at.

370. But, sir, what... what if somebody sees?

371. Don't ask, don't tell.

372. That policy's got to work for something.

373. Mm. I'm going to need the combs and the jar.

374. Hank,

375. - I don't know how to... - There's no time.

376. The Strickland Christmas card shoot is in an hour.

377. But I haven't cut hair in a week.

378. - Commence cutting! - Yes, sir!

379. All right, let's take this thing.

380. Wait!

381. Oh god, I need a hair net!