1. Um, I'm getting a lot of interference
on the bedroom TV.Copy !req
2. What do you say you unplug your "Peggy's",Copy !req
3. put down the classifieds
and come on to bed?Copy !req
4. Uh-uh.Copy !req
5. As a former restaurant manager,
I am accustomed to setting my own hours,Copy !req
6. and, unfortunately,
these are the hours I have set.Copy !req
7. I know you miss running that restaurant...Copy !req
8. Oh, it's not the restaurant I miss,Copy !req
9. It's the people, Hank...
managing people...Copy !req
10. Telling them what to do
and then watching as they do it.Copy !req
11. Well, maybe you could ask the schoolCopy !req
12. to let you substitute teach
the first grade again.Copy !req
13. Those kids usually do what you tell them.Copy !req
14. That's just not enough anymore.Copy !req
15. I am... "A natural-born leaderCopy !req
16. who can build business
from zero to infinity.Copy !req
17. Must be highly motivated self-starter,
with own car."Copy !req
18. My God. Hank, that's me.Copy !req
19. - Peggy, it's almost midnight.Copy !req
20. You're gonna wake them up.Copy !req
21. Oh, no... I am going to shake them up.Copy !req
22. - Who is it?
- It is Peggy Hill.Copy !req
23. Well,
that's the whole pitch right there.Copy !req
24. - Any questions?
- Yes.Copy !req
25. MetaLife... what is that?Copy !req
26. - Products for living.
- Mm-hmm...Copy !req
27. Okay, those are useful...Copy !req
28. And you sell them?Copy !req
29. Yes, and I have a number of people
who sell for me.Copy !req
30. Oh. So, you would consider
what you do sales or management?Copy !req
31. Uh, a little bit of management,
mostly sales.Copy !req
32. Yes! Management! Thank you.Copy !req
33. Laney, I hope you don't mind me asking,
but that pin,Copy !req
34. it is spectacular.Copy !req
35. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
36. So were my February sales figures.Copy !req
37. I hit $10,000,Copy !req
38. which got me in the MetaLife
Double Diamond Club.Copy !req
39. Peggy, if you want to be your own boss
come and work for me.Copy !req
40. Hey, mail guy!Copy !req
41. I'll take it.Copy !req
42. Sign here please.Copy !req
43. You got a package, Peggy. I signed for it.Copy !req
44. But I was home, Bill.Copy !req
45. I know. I didn't want you to be bothered.Copy !req
46. So, what are you doing?Copy !req
47. Put the package down.Copy !req
48. You want to go for a walk?Copy !req
49. Go back to your house.Copy !req
50. Okay... let's see.Copy !req
51. These are the MetaLife shakes...Copy !req
52. And here are the vitamins...Copy !req
53. And these are...Copy !req
54. 40-40-20 MetaBars.Copy !req
55. That is, uh... oh, percents.Copy !req
56. So, uh, you're going to sell these,
are you?Copy !req
57. Well, these things sell themselves...
18 dollars, Bobby...Copy !req
58. which will make it very easy for the team
of sales people working beneath me.Copy !req
59. Well, it sounds to me
like one of those pyramid schemes.Copy !req
60. No, not at all.Copy !req
61. As the brochure describes it,Copy !req
62. it is not a "pyramid",
it is a "triangle"...Copy !req
63. and it is not a "scheme," Hank,
it is an "opportunity."Copy !req
64. Good question, though.Copy !req
65. This doesn't taste
like raspberry truffle at all.Copy !req
66. Well, then, honey, you're eating it wrong.
Put it down.Copy !req
67. All right, come on. Let's get to it.Copy !req
68. Hank, you will sell at work...
you're assistant manager.Copy !req
69. I would think they would have
to buy from you...Copy !req
70. and, Luanne, you will sell at college.Copy !req
71. You must have made a whole bunch
of new friends that you can pressure.Copy !req
72. Well... it's, uh...Copy !req
73. probably about time I apologized
for my misguided Y2K hysteria.Copy !req
74. Who would have guessed
the whole thing would go offCopy !req
75. without a hitch?Copy !req
76. Really brought the country together.Copy !req
77. Yep, best thing that ever
could happen, Y2K.Copy !req
78. Hey, Dale, energy bar?Copy !req
79. - I'm going the other way, thanks.Copy !req
80. Boomhauer, how are you?Copy !req
81. Protein shake?Copy !req
82. No way, man. I'm talking about all I needCopy !req
83. is a dang ol' chopped beef
in a blender... some eggs, man.Copy !req
84. I'm talking about a body by Boomhauer.Copy !req
85. Uh, Dale? Protein shake?Copy !req
86. Uh... My tummy wouldn't mind
a little something.Copy !req
87. Let me take a peek at your wares.Copy !req
88. - What's that?
- Those are vitamins.Copy !req
89. - What's that?
- Protein shake.Copy !req
90. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
91. - What's that?
- That's also a protein shake.Copy !req
92. Oh. What can I get for a quarter?Copy !req
93. A soda, 20 years ago.Copy !req
94. Oh, great. What you want?Copy !req
95. Hello, neighbor. How are you today?Copy !req
96. Hey, those that MetaVitamins?Copy !req
97. You in that racket?Copy !req
98. - Okay, I buy from you.
- You will?Copy !req
99. Yeah.Copy !req
100. You wait here. I'll get my wallet.Copy !req
101. Oh!Copy !req
102. - Aah!Copy !req
103. Okay, my people,Copy !req
104. I call to order the very first meeting
of my international sales force.Copy !req
105. So, before we start,
any fun sales stories?Copy !req
106. Huh?Copy !req
107. Anything at all?Copy !req
108. Okay. Well, it's been a week,
and at this time,Copy !req
109. I would like to please see
your order sheets.Copy !req
110. Uh, here you go, Peggy.Copy !req
111. One sale?Copy !req
112. I can't sell at the office.Copy !req
113. It's a propane place.Copy !req
114. I need to keep that pure.Copy !req
115. Luanne, I did not get your sheet.Copy !req
116. I didn't do one.Copy !req
117. Oh, but I did give away all my samples.Copy !req
118. What "samples"? Those weren't samples.Copy !req
119. My God, what am I running?Copy !req
120. You think one sale between the three of us
is going to keep this company going?Copy !req
121. I am going to have to let one of you go.Copy !req
122. Luanne, I'm sorry.Copy !req
123. Uh, Peggy, Luanne's young.Copy !req
124. She's got a great future ahead of her.Copy !req
125. Fire me. Send her a message.Copy !req
126. I will fire you if your sales figures
don't improve.Copy !req
127. - Now, put on your button,Copy !req
128. go to the airport and move some product.Copy !req
129. What?Copy !req
130. You got another package. I signed for it.Copy !req
131. Mm-hmm. Where is it?Copy !req
132. Well, like I said, I signed for it,
and I was carrying it up your path,Copy !req
133. then I got to thinking...Copy !req
134. - You ate my bars?
- No! I, I sold them, on the base...Copy !req
135. All of them, even the raspberry truffles.Copy !req
136. I'm sorry.Copy !req
137. Bill...Copy !req
138. I'm going to use you.Copy !req
139. Okay.Copy !req
140. - Peggy, may I say what an honor it is...Copy !req
141. Have you heard of a quota system?Copy !req
142. - Now, I give youCopy !req
143. a certain number of sales that
you have to make by the end of the month.Copy !req
144. So, we'll say this first month's
quota is...Copy !req
145. oh, I don't know... $10,000.Copy !req
146. What? No, no,
that's a lot of sales, Peggy.Copy !req
147. Well, I thought as much.Copy !req
148. I'll, I'll do it. I, I can do it.Copy !req
149. Then, this conversation is over.Copy !req
150. Sergeant, where's that ta-ta issue
of Sports Illustrated?Copy !req
151. I don't know, sir, but if I were you,Copy !req
152. I wouldn't be worried
about a magazine, no.Copy !req
153. I'd worry about, uh...Copy !req
154. - Oh... nothing.
- What?Copy !req
155. General, the following statement
has not been evaluated by the FDA.Copy !req
156. But the MetaLife protein barCopy !req
157. can regrow hair.Copy !req
158. Energy bar!Copy !req
159. Get your protein shake!Copy !req
160. Here you go, sir. There, that's right.Copy !req
161. Yeah, it's chocolate, I think.Copy !req
162. Ten thousand dollars in his first month?Copy !req
163. That William Dauterive is quite a find.Copy !req
164. Well, thank you.
I molded him... motivated him.Copy !req
165. You know how it is.Copy !req
166. Is he excited
about the San Antonio conference?Copy !req
167. Are you kidding? Am I excited?Copy !req
168. I cannot wait to go.Copy !req
169. Oh, it, it's just for the salesman
himself, Peggy,Copy !req
170. just the Double Diamond sellers
and a guest.Copy !req
171. Your own numbers were... quite small.Copy !req
172. Well, Laney, my sales are lowCopy !req
173. because of my management responsibilities...Copy !req
174. You know, uh,
meeting with my supplier and...Copy !req
175. Well, I am your supplier and meeting
with me is, is, like, ten minutes.Copy !req
176. But it is a 15-minute drive,
and I was 20 minutes late.Copy !req
177. Peggy! If I knew you were coming,
I would've put on pants.Copy !req
178. - Can you give me a minute?
- Bill, it's okay.Copy !req
179. I have something important to tell you.Copy !req
180. Now, because you met your quota...Copy !req
181. You have won a tripCopy !req
182. to the MetaLife State Sales
Conference in San Antonio.Copy !req
183. Did I mention that
you get to bring a guest,Copy !req
184. and business etiquette
dictates that you invite me.Copy !req
185. In my wildest dreams, I never thoughtCopy !req
186. you'd, you'd want to go with, with me.Copy !req
187. Of course, I will take you, yes.Copy !req
188. I'll even drive.Copy !req
189. I guess it doesn't make much sense
to take separate cars.Copy !req
190. San Antonio, huh?
Well, when you get there safely,Copy !req
191. call me collect with the name "Antonio",Copy !req
192. and I won't accept the charges...Copy !req
193. Oh, and if you're not safe,
then you'd use your own name.Copy !req
194. Oh, Hank, my very first business trip.Copy !req
195. I am finally getting the recognition
that I have always given myself.Copy !req
196. Isn't this Bill's trip? Didn't he win it?Copy !req
197. Aren't you just his guest?Copy !req
198. Hank... you're fired.Copy !req
199. - Okay, you'll be in 21-11.Copy !req
200. Mm-hmm, and where am I?Copy !req
201. 21-11.Copy !req
202. Uh, the same room?Copy !req
203. I will have you know, young lady,
you are talking to the sort of womanCopy !req
204. who would never,
ever share a room with the sort of manCopy !req
205. who is talking to you now.Copy !req
206. Look, this is San Antonio.Copy !req
207. You can't just waltz in here...Copy !req
208. and expect there to be rooms.Copy !req
209. Wait... Wait a second.Copy !req
210. "Rio Grande Suite."Copy !req
211. "Sam Houston Suite."Copy !req
212. Bill, these are all suites.Copy !req
213. Don't look. Do not look.Copy !req
214. That is Marty Van Holt,Copy !req
215. Regional Sales Coordinator for MetaLife.Copy !req
216. Oh, my God, we are right across the hall
from freakin' Marty!Copy !req
217. Look at this...Copy !req
218. "To our Double Diamond sales staff...Copy !req
219. congratulations. Mike Desmond,
CEO, MetaLife International."Copy !req
220. Oh... My... God.Copy !req
221. San Antonio, Bill.Copy !req
222. She is all ours.Copy !req
223. Peg, you know,
I think I'll just grab a newspaper,Copy !req
224. find a chair by the pool to sleep in.Copy !req
225. Oh, nonsense, Bill.Copy !req
226. You will stay here and sleep on the couch.Copy !req
227. Oh, good.Copy !req
228. I think I will have
some of that champagne, then.Copy !req
229. Although, technically,
it's just sparkling wineCopy !req
230. unless it comes from
the Champagne region of France.Copy !req
231. So, uh... Luanne...Copy !req
232. you still going to community college?Copy !req
233. Uh-huh.Copy !req
234. Hmm. Of course,
I'm still in the propane business.Copy !req
235. That's where I was today.Copy !req
236. - Bobby?
- Yeah?Copy !req
237. Hmm, what?Copy !req
238. You said, "Bobby."Copy !req
239. Hmm... oh.Copy !req
240. Yup.Copy !req
241. Can I watch TV while I eat?Copy !req
242. Now, you know your mother
forbids television during dinner.Copy !req
243. It's family conversation time.Copy !req
244. Ah, who are we kidding?Copy !req
245. Hey, Dean,
congratulations on your numbers.Copy !req
246. Looks like someone's going to Nationals.Copy !req
247. What are the Nationals?Copy !req
248. It's how they reward the top performers.Copy !req
249. Your manager's manager.Copy !req
250. And where are the Nationals held?Copy !req
251. Right here.Copy !req
252. San Antonio?Copy !req
253. This room and they fold back that wall.Copy !req
254. - No!
- Yes!Copy !req
255. Huh! Now, that Peggy Hill needs to see.Copy !req
256. Excuse me.Copy !req
257. Bill, we are going to Nationals,
and here's how.Copy !req
258. Now I'm going to employ a pie chart.Copy !req
259. You tell me if I lose you. Okay...Copy !req
260. Right now, you account
for 100 percent of sales, okay?Copy !req
261. Now, what I need from you is...Copy !req
262. more sales.Copy !req
263. Do you think that
you could sell 100 percent more?Copy !req
264. If that's my new quota,
that's my new quota.Copy !req
265. Nationals!Copy !req
266. Let's go out and celebrate tonight.Copy !req
267. Someplace fancy where they'll lend you
a jacket, huh?Copy !req
268. I won't even have to worry about stains.Copy !req
269. - Laney!
- Huh?Copy !req
270. Honey, put me down for another 1,000 bars.Copy !req
271. I am going to Nationals.Copy !req
272. A thousand bars?Copy !req
273. You know you have to sell them
to get to Nationals.Copy !req
274. Or buy them yourself.
We really don't care.Copy !req
275. Well, then,Copy !req
276. go ahead and put me down for 2,000
of those bad boys.Copy !req
277. Oh! Marty! Marty!Copy !req
278. Put me down for another 2,000 bars.Copy !req
279. I'm going to Nationals.Copy !req
280. Mike, another 2,000 bars.Copy !req
281. Bobby, when is this movie over?Copy !req
282. I want to watch the news.Copy !req
283. The news?Copy !req
284. You watched the news yesterday.Copy !req
285. Come on now, people.Copy !req
286. If you don't like the show,
there are other TVs.Copy !req
287. Oh, Bill, will you look at it?Copy !req
288. Mmm... men have walked on that moon.Copy !req
289. I guess sometimes
the impossible is possible.Copy !req
290. - Peggy?
- Yeah,Copy !req
291. just like some would say
it's impossible to move 2,000 units,Copy !req
292. but I know you could do it.Copy !req
293. I already sold half.Copy !req
294. - No!
- Yeah!Copy !req
295. I talked the hotel into stocking
all the mini-bars with them.Copy !req
296. - You did not.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
297. Oh, my God, we're going to Nationals!Copy !req
298. Yes!Copy !req
299. - Oh, come here.Copy !req
300. This is the Double Diamond pin
that you won.Copy !req
301. I think you deserve it
even more than I do.Copy !req
302. No. No, I don't.Copy !req
303. Why would you say that?Copy !req
304. Because, Bill, you are a kind, hardworking,Copy !req
305. superhuman, people personCopy !req
306. who's taking us to Nationals.Copy !req
307. Oh, Bill Dauterive, I love you.Copy !req
308. What are you doing? Stop it!Copy !req
309. Leave me alone!Copy !req
310. Keep the jacket,Copy !req
311. keep the pin, keep the moon!Copy !req
312. I quit!Copy !req
313. The room key's in the jacket.Copy !req
314. Laney, Laney!Copy !req
315. Cancel the order.Copy !req
316. - What? I can't cancel...
- I said cancel the order.Copy !req
317. My star salesman just quit on me.Copy !req
318. Well... so? You can't return product.Copy !req
319. - That's just not how the system works.
- Oh, come on.Copy !req
320. I think the triangle can handle it.Copy !req
321. It's not a triangle.Copy !req
322. It's a damn pyramid.Copy !req
323. Now you do whatever it takes
to get Dauterive back in the foldCopy !req
324. or Marty Van Holt is going
to come down on usCopy !req
325. like the hammer of the gods!Copy !req
326. Hi, Bill. I brought your mail.Copy !req
327. Oh, look,
a postcard from Peggy Hill.Copy !req
328. "Having a great time in San Antonio.Copy !req
329. Glad you're here."Copy !req
330. Mm-hmm, yeah. Just put it
in my waste corner on your way out.Copy !req
331. Uh-oh, somebody lost weight.Copy !req
332. Probably from all that hustling
you were doing.Copy !req
333. Yes, I'm a very attractive man.
I get it. Now go.Copy !req
334. Hold on, Bill.Copy !req
335. Do you like beer?Copy !req
336. Can those big feet of yours do a 180?Copy !req
337. Well, Bill, this has been nice.Copy !req
338. See you at the sales meeting tomorrow?Copy !req
339. That sounds exciting,
but Tuesday's my ass-scratching day!Copy !req
340. Everything was going great,Copy !req
341. but then when I tried to motivate him...Copy !req
342. that's a management term...Copy !req
343. with a little praise... my term...Copy !req
344. he goes plumb loco... Spanish term.Copy !req
345. You must have confused him.Copy !req
346. Being dumped on is all Bill knows.Copy !req
347. First, there was that childhood of hisCopy !req
348. then he joined the Army, and...Copy !req
349. then married that back-breaker, Lenore.Copy !req
350. Ah, well, I'm going to go oil the bearings
in your suitcase wheels.Copy !req
351. San Antonio dust contains a lot of silica.Copy !req
352. Your father's right.Copy !req
353. Bill has had a hard life,
and he likes it that way.Copy !req
354. He likes to be treated badly.Copy !req
355. Mm-hmm. It's called psychology,
Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
356. The disease of psychology.Copy !req
357. I'm taking it pass/fail.Copy !req
358. Oh, well, of course.Copy !req
359. He's crazy.Copy !req
360. Well, if insulting him is the only way
to get Bill back to work selling,Copy !req
361. it is that nutjob's lucky day.Copy !req
362. Okay, let's see...Copy !req
363. I certainly can't attack
his sales ability. Um...Copy !req
364. Come on. There's plenty to work with.Copy !req
365. It's Bill Dauterive.Copy !req
366. He's bald, but he still has dandruff.Copy !req
367. I mean, what's that all about?Copy !req
368. And don't forget his odor!Copy !req
369. He's afraid of thunder!Copy !req
370. Okay, good. But slow down, slow down.Copy !req
371. - "Hey, baldy..."Copy !req
372. "If you're looking for the hair
on your head,Copy !req
373. why don't you check...
your shoulders and your back."Copy !req
374. Get off my lawn.Copy !req
375. I don't fertilize with poo.Copy !req
376. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
377. Well, I wouldn't waste
all that water on your lawn.Copy !req
378. You're going to need it
to hose yourself down, uh,Copy !req
379. later because...Copy !req
380. - ... you stink.
- I... huh?Copy !req
381. You heard me.Copy !req
382. Even in France,
they would take notice of your bad odor.Copy !req
383. Well, you were rude,Copy !req
384. but in the morning, I'll be sober.Copy !req
385. Shut up... lonely divorcéCopy !req
386. or "You will be alone
for the rest of your life."Copy !req
387. Yeah, well... Yeah, well, uh...Copy !req
388. Oh, never mind.Copy !req
389. You couldn't have gotten me
to Nationals anywayCopy !req
390. lazy, good-for-nothing quitter!Copy !req
391. Whoa, whoa, just hold... Wait, hold on.Copy !req
392. Just give me one more chance, please.Copy !req
393. I'll sell all your bars. I know I can.Copy !req
394. One chance. Tomorrow morning.Copy !req
395. - My garage. 7:00.
- Well, it's a little early.Copy !req
396. You just bought yourself 6:45, mister.Copy !req
397. Well, I guess I could skip my shower.Copy !req
398. Seven it is.Copy !req
399. Bye.Copy !req
400. Don't you worry, Peggy.Copy !req
401. Soon as I load the last box
of chromium biscuits into my carCopy !req
402. I'll start pounding the pavement.Copy !req
403. Hey, what are you doing?Copy !req
404. I did not say
you could take a break, did I?Copy !req
405. Oh, it's my toe.Copy !req
406. I think I have a blister.Copy !req
407. Well, if you do,
it's not from carrying boxes for one day.Copy !req
408. It's from carrying "that huge gut
of yours around for 40 years."Copy !req
409. Yeah, you're probably right.Copy !req
410. Oh!Copy !req
411. Oh, and don't, ow,
worry about your driveway.Copy !req
412. My... ooh... tube sock
is soaking up most of the blood.Copy !req
413. Ow!Copy !req
414. - Bill.
- Yeah?Copy !req
415. Bill, you're fired.Copy !req
416. I, I can do it, Peggy. Ow, ow, ow!Copy !req
417. I can sell, ow, I can sell all these, ow!Copy !req
418. We can go to Nationals.Copy !req
419. Isn't that what you want?Copy !req
420. Not if it means taking advantage of...
of a friend.Copy !req
421. No, I...Copy !req
422. No, not you. My... My friend?Copy !req
423. No, no.Copy !req
424. Yes, Bill, I am your friend...Copy !req
425. although I haven't always been a good one.Copy !req
426. Taking advantage of your low self-esteemCopy !req
427. to boost my own, already healthy esteem.Copy !req
428. And for that, I apologize.Copy !req
429. Now, Peggy,
you don't have to apologize to me.Copy !req
430. - I, I'm not...
- Uh-uh-uh!Copy !req
431. The next words out of your mouth
better be "apology accepted."Copy !req
432. Apology accepted.Copy !req
433. So...Copy !req
434. friend, between you and me
I think this MetaLife thing is a scam.Copy !req
435. Yeah, but what a ride.Copy !req
436. Of course,
I'm still in the propane business.Copy !req