1. Boy, look at Pops go.Copy !req
2. 80 years old and he still has
the reaction timeCopy !req
3. - to miss the sprinkler heads.
- Tony Curtis is 80.Copy !req
4. Huh. Look at him.
Now he's just showboating.Copy !req
5. Come on, Pops. Let's see those hands
at 10:00 and 2:00.Copy !req
6. - Uh, Pops?
- Mr. Popisito?Copy !req
7. Oh, man, it don't... Hey! Hey, man!Copy !req
8. Boy, I'll tell you, it's sad,Copy !req
9. but at least he went doing what he loved.Copy !req
10. Well, we should all be so lucky.
You know how I want to go?Copy !req
11. Right here in the alley with you guys.
Yeah, it'll probably be my heartCopy !req
12. the way things are going.Copy !req
13. Ooh, hey, we should rent
that house ourselves.Copy !req
14. We can turn it into a clubhouse.Copy !req
15. I am currently an official supporter
of the clubhouse idea.Copy !req
16. I also reserve the right
to be called "Dash."Copy !req
17. - And I'll be "Spike."
- A clubhouse?Copy !req
18. I don't know. Isn't that something you do
when you're in your 30s?Copy !req
19. Naw, man. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
20. You know we get
a little ol' DVD player, man.Copy !req
21. Coming in on show,
just grabbing in the dang freeze-frame,Copy !req
22. talking about a fridge full of beer, too,
man, you know.Copy !req
23. Well, Boomhauer,
I'll tell you you ought to be in sales.Copy !req
24. - All right, I'm in.
- Welcome to the clubhouse, Hank.Copy !req
25. - What do you want to be called?
- How 'bout Rudy?Copy !req
26. - How 'bout Hank?
- Hank it is... Rudy.Copy !req
27. You are so late.Copy !req
28. You know I like my bath at 9:30,
with my onion loaf.Copy !req
29. I'm sorry.
The cash register didn't balance,Copy !req
30. and it took Gary 20 minutes to confess.Copy !req
31. Do you mind if I just take
a quick shower first?Copy !req
32. - I smell like waitressing.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
33. My bath is already drawn.Copy !req
34. Okay, I'm taking off my boxers.Copy !req
35. - What the...Copy !req
36. - Oh! Luanne!
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
37. I thought you guys were sleeping.Copy !req
38. - But you guys weren't sleeping.
- Exit the master bedroom right now!Copy !req
39. Boxers.Copy !req
40. Luanne, we have rules in this house.Copy !req
41. Why are you guys getting so upset?
I didn't see anything.Copy !req
42. You saw your Uncle's nipples.Copy !req
43. The way I see it you are
in direct violation of four of our rules.Copy !req
44. You had it notarized?Copy !req
45. No water usage after 10:00 p.m.Copy !req
46. 9:00 p.m. curfew on school nights.Copy !req
47. Entering the master bedroom
without verbal permission,Copy !req
48. and you're barefoot in the kitchen.
Lady Bird eats off that floor.Copy !req
49. God only has ten rules, Uncle Hank,
and his house is much bigger.Copy !req
50. All right, Dale, for the last time
I can't turn in this rental applicationCopy !req
51. - without your social security number.
- Fine.Copy !req
52. Five, five, five... Five, five.Copy !req
53. That's not even enough numbers.Copy !req
54. Five. Five.Copy !req
55. Okay, I'm leaving your name off,Copy !req
56. but you're still responsible
for one-fourth of the rent.Copy !req
57. I figure I can pull my extra workbench
out of public storageCopy !req
58. and keep it in the clubhouse.
That'll save me a few bucks a month.Copy !req
59. And I've given it some thought,Copy !req
60. and I have decided
to start charging Luanne some rentCopy !req
61. for living in my den.Copy !req
62. See, a house right across from me.Copy !req
63. They want to use our clubhouse
as their living quarters.Copy !req
64. Hank, we have to do something.Copy !req
65. I don't know, Kahn. The house looks nice,Copy !req
66. but the neighborhood looks
a little hillbilly to me.Copy !req
67. Hillbilly? Hey, I have an idea.
Follow my lead.Copy !req
68. Hey, Mr. Kahn. Them some fancy blue jeansCopy !req
69. y'alls lady friend is wearing.Copy !req
70. They must be city folks.Copy !req
71. I just whipped up
a new batch of possum stewCopy !req
72. I'd be willing to share with you.
Don't worry. I took off the feet.Copy !req
73. What did he just say?Copy !req
74. All great chefs doing that now.Copy !req
75. Wolfgang Puck cut the feet off
of everything.Copy !req
76. They're just day laborers.
They're putting in my deck.Copy !req
77. Our plan worked. Spike, Rudy, Boomhauer,Copy !req
78. - let's check out our new clubhouse.
- Yo, man, you talking 'bout...Copy !req
79. Everybody got a dang
ole nickname 'cept me, man.Copy !req
80. I don't like it...
Dang ol' odd man out, man.Copy !req
81. All right, Boomhauer.
What do you want to be called?Copy !req
82. Oh, B-Dog.Copy !req
83. - So I figureCopy !req
84. if we knock down that wall and build
a new wall over there, that'd be fun.Copy !req
85. Hey, a refrigerator.Copy !req
86. - Look, Pops' last beer.
- Huh.Copy !req
87. Huh. To Pops.Copy !req
88. That son of a bitch had a swimming pool?Copy !req
89. I thought I heard splashing.Copy !req
90. How could you not know?
You lived next door to him for 18 years.Copy !req
91. - I thought he lived on a lake.
- What lake?Copy !req
92. It was none of my business.Copy !req
93. So, you're the ones who broke my lock box.Copy !req
94. Uh, was the open house canceled?Copy !req
95. I'm sorry. This house has already
been rented to a lovely college student.Copy !req
96. College student?Copy !req
97. No college student's going to have
a credit history like mine.Copy !req
98. Here are your keys, Ms. Platter.
Welcome home.Copy !req
99. Luanne?Copy !req
100. Young lady, you'd better march
right back into Hank's den.Copy !req
101. That's your home and that will always be
your home, right, Hank?Copy !req
102. Luanne, welcome to your new home.Copy !req
103. I'm not going to be stingy
with the packing tape, Luanne,Copy !req
104. you tape away.Copy !req
105. It's not that I want to move
it's just that I hate living here.Copy !req
106. - There's just too many rules.
- Yep. Way too many rules.Copy !req
107. - Good-bye.
- And if I have to pay rent,Copy !req
108. I'm not going to sleep in a denCopy !req
109. and share a bathtub
with a 12-year-old boy. Okay?Copy !req
110. Rent? Excuse me.
Hank, did you pass a new lawCopy !req
111. while this Hill was not in session?Copy !req
112. Just tied up a rental loophole.
The important thing is she's happy.Copy !req
113. And I'm not paying for it all alone.Copy !req
114. See, this friend of mine
who got kicked out of her apartment,Copy !req
115. she had three roommates who also
got kicked out of the apartment,Copy !req
116. and she said I could have them.Copy !req
117. I don't know.Copy !req
118. I just think that I should move out
before we end up hating each other.Copy !req
119. - Oh, Luanne, we could never hate...
- She's making a good point, Peggy.Copy !req
120. We lost everything so fast.
And Hank did nothing to stop itCopy !req
121. - like the Swiss.
- How's your precious den?Copy !req
122. Visual confirmation.
Roommate number one, female.Copy !req
123. She's dating a jarhead, huh?Copy !req
124. Well, my first choice was the Marines
but I couldn't do enough sit-upsCopy !req
125. to be a Marine Corps barber. Semper fi.Copy !req
126. Oh, great, we got a disco dancer.Copy !req
127. Anyone can move slow.Copy !req
128. Shh...Copy !req
129. Sh-sh-shaw...Copy !req
130. Hey.Copy !req
131. Hey, guys drinking beer,
you're in my parking spot.Copy !req
132. No, I don't think so.
This is where we assemble.Copy !req
133. Always has been.Copy !req
134. Well, always has been
Texas Penal code 4-9.02,Copy !req
135. which prohibits public drunkenness.Copy !req
136. What are you talking about?
Nobody's drunk here.Copy !req
137. I don't know, Hank, I'm pretty buzzed.Copy !req
138. - My lease says this is my space.Copy !req
139. - Hey!Copy !req
140. Thought so.Copy !req
141. Gentlemen,
I give you roommate number three.Copy !req
142. I kind of like her.Copy !req
143. Huh?Copy !req
144. Little help?Copy !req
145. - Thank you.Copy !req
146. Now, you've got a lawsuit.Copy !req
147. The audacity.Copy !req
148. I have unplugged your house from my house.Copy !req
149. Mm, that's not very neighborly of you.
You know, when it hits 105 degrees,Copy !req
150. and you want to use my pool
and drink my soy shakes,Copy !req
151. I'm going to remember this.Copy !req
152. Yeah? Well, there goes
your welcome-wagon tool set.Copy !req
153. You happy?Copy !req
154. So...Copy !req
155. Who'd like to meet my other roommates?Copy !req
156. The Manger Babies.Copy !req
157. This is Sir Reginald
Featherbottom the Third.Copy !req
158. And...Copy !req
159. Oh...Copy !req
160. I know what you're thinking.Copy !req
161. I perform a Christian puppet show and...Copy !req
162. Okay. We need to go to the grocery store.Copy !req
163. I already went to the store.Copy !req
164. And Sir Reginald noticed
how expensive food is these days.Copy !req
165. There's food?Copy !req
166. They're not going to leave you
a speck, what, what.Copy !req
167. One in the garage, one in the den.Copy !req
168. Whatcha doin'?Copy !req
169. Oh, Nothing.
Just, uh, working on my den.Copy !req
170. I always wanted a clubhouse
with a secret knock.Copy !req
171. How about, uh...Copy !req
172. No, that's the secret knock
at the gun club.Copy !req
173. I don't want to get confused.
How about this?Copy !req
174. Uh, you know, part of the reason
I agreed to the clubhouse ideaCopy !req
175. was that one of the bedrooms over there
was going to be my private denCopy !req
176. and, well, now that I've got my den...Copy !req
177. - Our clubhouse.
- My den.Copy !req
178. Yep. That's the official knock.Copy !req
179. It'll hold us until I get
a retina scanner.Copy !req
180. Hey, guys, I figured out all the bills.
I used additions and subtractions.Copy !req
181. Ooh, wow, I'm going to have
to catch up with you later.Copy !req
182. See, I have a bike race coming upCopy !req
183. and there's going to be
this chick there that I dig,Copy !req
184. so I need a new shirt
that really sports my abs.Copy !req
185. - I mean, check it out.
- Yeah, I can't pay this right now, either.Copy !req
186. I'm going to Vegas this weekend.Copy !req
187. - Um... Okay.Copy !req
188. Kate? The phone bill is pretty much
100 percent yours.Copy !req
189. So, anyway, my little sister,
she borrowed my Kangol hat.Copy !req
190. Yes, I'm mad.Copy !req
191. Listen. When I signed up
for phone service,Copy !req
192. I signed a document
that said I would pay on time.Copy !req
193. I swore it... on my mother's maiden name!Copy !req
194. You're kind of being a house nazi
right now, Luanne.Copy !req
195. Hello. I thought we agreed
no smoking in the house.Copy !req
196. You know who else had anti-smoking laws?
Uh, who was it?Copy !req
197. Oh, yeah. Hitler.Copy !req
198. Nazi.Copy !req
199. Luanne! What's up, girlfriend?
I have not seen you in the longest.Copy !req
200. Oh, okay.
You guys are finished with dinner already.Copy !req
201. Why? Are you hungry?
Luanne, are you eating?Copy !req
202. - Do you need money? Get my purse.
- No, no, no, Aunt Peggy, no.Copy !req
203. I'm on my own now
and I don't need help from anyone.Copy !req
204. Oh, but I am doing a book report
on what people eat for dinner.Copy !req
205. - So... What did you eat?
- Let me fix you a to-go plate.Copy !req
206. - Hey, Luanne, what you got there?
- Nothing. This isn't mine.Copy !req
207. It's nice to see Luanne once in a while.
Knowing she'll be leavingCopy !req
208. kind of makes it like a fun game.Copy !req
209. There is nothing funny about starvation.Copy !req
210. Except for comic relief, of course.Copy !req
211. - Now, Luanne is very proudCopy !req
212. and may not accept our charity,Copy !req
213. but she is also very hungry,
so, who knows?Copy !req
214. Luanne is usually home from work by now.Copy !req
215. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
216. Guys can shave their legs, too?
That's very interesting.Copy !req
217. - Peggy!
- Bobby!Copy !req
218. Sorry, Dad.Copy !req
219. Heads up. Der Fuehrer's home from work.Copy !req
220. Whose turn is it to take the trash out?
Don't make me get out the chore wheel.Copy !req
221. Oh... Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy, you're here.Copy !req
222. - We brought a casserole for dinner.
- No. No. No.Copy !req
223. I won't hear of it! I'm on my own now,Copy !req
224. and I can make you dinner.
Dinner. I'm on it.Copy !req
225. Oh, God, crap. Dinner. Uh...Copy !req
226. Where are crackers?Copy !req
227. Where is my macaroni and the cheese?Copy !req
228. Where are my steak-ums?Copy !req
229. That is it!Copy !req
230. Who ate all my food? Come forward!Copy !req
231. I needed a carbo-load.Copy !req
232. Griffin! Ew!Copy !req
233. We said no shaving in the living room
unless it was an emergency.Copy !req
234. - Yuck...
- Sieg heil.Copy !req
235. When I think of how many stupid
onion loafsCopy !req
236. I had to sell so you people
could talk on the phoneCopy !req
237. and eat my cookies, it makes me so...Copy !req
238. Hank, maybe we should intervene.Copy !req
239. - You go talk to the German one.
- We have rules in this house!Copy !req
240. We all agreed to them, people!
I'm counting at least...Copy !req
241. twelve! Twelve violations!Copy !req
242. Oh... My... God...Copy !req
243. I have become you. Oh...Copy !req
244. I hate myself.Copy !req
245. I'm worried about Luanne.
She hates herselfCopy !req
246. because she's become Bobby?
I mean, what's that all about?Copy !req
247. Hank, she was pointing at you.
She's become youCopy !req
248. - and that is why she hates herself.
- Oh, well, then she's just crazy.Copy !req
249. Hank, please talk to her.
I... I can hear her crying in her room.Copy !req
250. - Her room? My den.Copy !req
251. And for all we know,
she could be laughing.Copy !req
252. All right.Copy !req
253. It is very sad to see people
take advantage of the kindness of others.Copy !req
254. Yes, it Is.Copy !req
255. All right, Bill, Dale, Boomhauer, get out.
Come on.Copy !req
256. Spike, Dash, B-Dog.Copy !req
257. You know, back in your house
when you said, "I've become you."Copy !req
258. Yeah?Copy !req
259. Well, you said it like, "I've become you."Copy !req
260. When, well, you probably
could have said it more like,Copy !req
261. - "Hey, I've become you!"
- What?Copy !req
262. You see, Luanne,
a lot of good stuff happened in the worldCopy !req
263. when people were like me.Copy !req
264. Sure, they'll never write
a Hollywood musicalCopy !req
265. about a fellow who keeps
his yard free of debrisCopy !req
266. and pays his bills on time,
and the MTV won't put on a videoCopy !req
267. about a man who requires shoes
in the kitchen,Copy !req
268. but it's because of people like us...Copy !req
269. But I'm not like you!
This is just too much for me!Copy !req
270. And... Oh... And all the bills,Copy !req
271. and they mooch my food
and they're always on the phone!Copy !req
272. And I just can't take it anymore!
I can't stand one more day!Copy !req
273. They're wearing my socks, Uncle Hank!Copy !req
274. Oh, God! Oh, God, I need a paper bag!Copy !req
275. Now, take it easy.
You didn't see me getting all huffyCopy !req
276. - every time you made me mad.
- I made you mad?Copy !req
277. Sure. And you were three times
the pain in the butt these kids are.Copy !req
278. Oh, good. Then you'll be able
to handle them for me.Copy !req
279. Maybe I could,Copy !req
280. but I don't want to give you a fish, Luanne.Copy !req
281. I want to teach you how to fish.
That way, you'll eat forever.Copy !req
282. Hello, I'm with the electric company.
Don't mind me.Copy !req
283. I'll only be a minute.Copy !req
284. I'm on break.Copy !req
285. Please, continue
with your private conversation.Copy !req
286. Do not worry. I am deaf
and cannot hear what you are saying.Copy !req
287. You know, Luanne, you and I both wanted
a little place of our own.Copy !req
288. I thought my den would be my oasisCopy !req
289. but now the only place I can get awayCopy !req
290. from the various annoyances
in my life is...Copy !req
291. "Is"?Copy !req
292. is my lawn.Copy !req
293. When I'm out there mowing, edging,
watering, even fertilizingCopy !req
294. nothing else matters.
Yep, that's what you got to do, Luanne.Copy !req
295. Find yourself a project.
Find your own lawn.Copy !req
296. That's it?Copy !req
297. I couldn't help but overhear
your uncle's bad advice.Copy !req
298. - What?
- Aha!Copy !req
299. It is I, Dale Gribble,
master of a thousand faces.Copy !req
300. You just met face number two,
the deaf electrician.Copy !req
301. The only thing your roommates...
i.e., enemies...Copy !req
302. will understand is fear...
i.e., psychological warfare...Copy !req
303. i.e., dirty tricks.Copy !req
304. - It worked for Dick Nixon.
- Well, but...Copy !req
305. For example,
get ahold of some goat's blood,Copy !req
306. taint that blood.
Then, when your roommates need bloodCopy !req
307. give them the tainted goat's blood.
It's a perfect plan.Copy !req
308. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I just want them to do the dishes.Copy !req
309. Oh. Well, in that case,
stack the dishes in the shower.Copy !req
310. That's the way Nancy gets me to do them.Copy !req
311. - Luanne, do you mind?
- Ick! What are you doing?Copy !req
312. Well, somebody left
a bunch of dishes in the shower.Copy !req
313. That's kind of rude.Copy !req
314. Good lord! I hate these people!
I know, Jesus, I know.Copy !req
315. You told me never to say hate.
But I'm sorry, Lord. I really, really do.Copy !req
316. - Truth or dare?
- Dare.Copy !req
317. Hey, Uncle Hank. Guess what?Copy !req
318. Right this second,
the P.H. balance in this poolCopy !req
319. is absolutely perfect.Copy !req
320. So, you found yourself a project.Copy !req
321. Do you get the same, uh,
high I get from lawn care?Copy !req
322. You know, I think I do.Copy !req
323. - Excuse me.Copy !req
324. You didn't pay your bills, did you?
Oh, well, Luanne, at least you tried.Copy !req
325. Oh, I paid my bills.
And then I closed all the accounts.Copy !req
326. If my roommates want gas,
water, electricity or a phone,Copy !req
327. they can just open up their own accounts.
Simple as that.Copy !req
328. You know, if you're ever up late
studying for a testCopy !req
329. and you want a little electricity
I've still got that extension cord.Copy !req
330. No, thanks, Uncle Hank.
You taught me how to fish.Copy !req
331. - Yep.
- Yep.Copy !req
332. This place looks terrible!Copy !req
333. You ain't Pops.Copy !req
334. Oh, that old guy, yeah. He died.Copy !req
335. Dead?Copy !req
336. Then I'm arresting you
for suspicion of murder.Copy !req
337. Grab him, Topsy.Copy !req
338. All right, boy, just come a little closer.Copy !req
339. Hey, get your hands off me, you nazi!Copy !req
340. Who are you calling a nazi?Copy !req
341. No!Copy !req
342. All right, Topsy, let's roll.Copy !req
343. - Truth or dare?
- Dare.Copy !req