King of the Hill 4x11

1. Oh, shoot.

2. Okay, no problem.

3. The exclamation point is a crutch anyway.

4. Maybe that's a clever musing.

5. Mom, I'm home from school.

6. I think I'm going to soak my feet.

7. Tough day, Bobby?

8. Eh. We got this new sub who...

9. - What's her name? - Mrs. Donovan.

10. Donovan?

11. She has been out of the game for three years

12. getting her master's degree or something.

13. Why would they pick her instead of me?

14. Maybe it's alphabetical.

15. No. That was struck down in Zagarello versus State of Texas.

16. Oh, just like Donovan to swipe my gig.

17. Meantime, I am stuck here all day

18. grunting out musings for ten cents a word.

19. Plenty of room in the soak bucket.

20. Hey.

21. That flag's getting awfully close to that fire

22. for my comfort.

23. And, uh, for the flag's.

24. Pursuant to United States code Title 36, section 176 K,

25. when a flag becomes faded and worn, it is burned with honor.

26. Yeah, but that's the flag I saluted for the last 20 years.

27. I was hazed under that flag. I was married under that flag.

28. Permission to give this flag a loving home, sir?

29. I will raise her every morning at dawn.

30. I will lower her every night before dusk. I will store her...

31. Do you have a 90-foot pole?

32. I've got a 40-foot pole, sir.

33. I'll go to Home Depot, sir.

34. MRS.I have your essays.

35. Normally, I try not to give too many As,

36. but this time, it didn't really come up.

37. Oh, God.

38. You wanted to see me, Mrs. Donovan?

39. No. I just wanted to confirm that you can read.

40. Oh.

41. An "F" in English?

42. Bobby, you speak English.

43. Hank, it is not entirely Bobby's fault.

44. That Donovan has had it in for me

45. ever since I was assigned the parking space under the tree.

46. She hates me and is just taking it out on you.

47. No. Thi... This is not an "F" paper.

48. It is a solid "D."

49. What does it matter?

50. Mrs. Donovan's making me come up with a new topic,

51. and she'll probably give me another "F,"

52. thanks to you, Mom.

53. It's magnificent.

54. Hmm... Mm-mm-mm.

55. Hmm? Oh.

56. Wind.

57. No. Flag.

58. Mom, Dad, I finally picked my essay topic.

59. "Why Bobby Hill loves America."

60. I'd like to see your teacher give an "F" to the US of A.

61. Hank, that woman could fail ice cubes to the Eskimos.

62. How's it going, honey?

63. Not so good.

64. Mom, do you have trouble getting started when you write your musings?

65. No. No, not at all.

66. I just sit down and I write what I feel.

67. I "Peggy Hill" the heck out of it.

68. Okay, we're going to need an opening line.

69. One that's going to grab people's attention.

70. Um...

71. - Anything. - Um...

72. Ooh! How about, um...

73. "USA stands for United States of America."

74. Oh, that's crappy!

75. I'm going to get another "F."

76. Well, with that attitude and a poorly written essay, yes.

77. You have got a great attitude, Mom.

78. You could probably write a great essay.

79. Only because I am a professional writer.

80. Now, let's see.

81. How about something like...

82. If you take the "U" out of "USA,"

83. what do you get?

84. "SA."

85. An essay that will explain to "U"

86. why Bobby Hill loves America.

87. Mom, you are on a roll!

88. Oh, well...

89. Bobby, get me a soda.

90. Oh, Peggy.

91. What are you doing here?

92. You're not teaching today.

93. No, I was not asked to.

94. I just thought I would stop by and see if Mrs. Donovan

95. got a chance to grade your essay.

96. Did she?

97. Hello, Peggy.

98. Peggy.

99. Listen, uh, my son wanted me to ask you

100. if you got a chance to grade his essay.

101. Hmm? Oh. No, I haven't had a chance yet.

102. You know, a quick turnaround when marking a student's paper

103. is the most important rule of teaching.

104. Yes. Well, I wish I could stay and chat,

105. but I've got to teach a class.

106. And you?

107. I could stay and chat.

108. Oh!

109. Bobby, uh, may I have a word with you?

110. Honey, Bobby.

111. You forgot your pencil this morning.

112. Oh. As did I.

113. Oh, I'm glad you're here.

114. I was just about to return your son's essay.

115. Wow! An "A."

116. Oh, yeah!

117. So, just an "A"? Not an A-plus?

118. You have to tell me how you came up with that opening line.

119. - Well, when I... - Well, I'm going to be honest

120. with you, Mrs. Donovan.

121. I was stuck, so I went to my, uh...

122. Well, huh, all I did was...

123. That came to me while I was taking a bath.

124. I find my best ideas come to me

125. while I am soaking in the tub,

126. sipping on a cup of cocoa.

127. Well, that's very interesting

128. because when I am stuck on a musing column,

129. what I like to do is find someone helpful

130. to bounce ideas off of.

131. Eh, that's not really my style.

132. What works for me, see, is the cocoa.

133. That's because you're a writer, Bobby.

134. Your mother's... just a muser.

135. It looks like the torch has been passed,

136. and it has finally been lit.

137. "Credit where credit is due"

138. is not just a phrase for bankers and lawyers.

139. Good, but not great.

140. Why don't you just get Bobby to help you?

141. He got an "A," Aunt Peggy.

142. Let's be honest,

143. when was the last time me or you got an "A"?

144. May 24, 1974.

145. I find that adverbs are overrated

146. and that your adjectives are your go-to guys.

147. Hey, there's my little Shakespeare.

148. We've got a pep rally coming up,

149. and I want you to read that essay of yours to the children.

150. All right, I'll do it.

151. For the children.

152. Hank, take a look at these

153. and tell me I'm not crazy.

154. "My husband's love affair with beer

155. and why I'm not jealous."

156. Hmm. Well, I do like beer.

157. Mm-hm. I thought it was great, too.

158. But apparently, the arts editor of the Arlen Bystander

159. thinks people are much more interested

160. in celebrity birthdays than in reading my musings.

161. They stopped running your musings?

162. Oh, Hank, they think the public doesn't care what is on my mind.

163. Don't give up, Peggy.

164. Hey, look at Bobby.

165. He got an "F" and bounced right back.

166. This is like an "F" for you.

167. All you need to do is find a good topic like Bobby did.

168. Though I wouldn't go near the flag.

169. Bobby's pretty much written the final word on that.

170. I wrote Bobby's essay.

171. What? No, no.

172. That flag inspired Bobby to greater heights.

173. It was all me.

174. You wrote the whole thing?

175. You know, he has never even thanked me.

176. Not once.

177. And would it kill him to say to people "My mom helped me with that line,"

178. or "My mom wrote that essay, I had nothing to do with it"?

179. Well, I agree he shouldn't take credit,

180. but you shouldn't have written it for him in the first place.

181. From where I'm sitting, you both screwed up.

182. Now, what are you going to do about it?

183. Well, I cannot speak for Bobby...

184. Well, you have no problem writing for him.

185. Damn straight. I got an "A."

186. Gwyneth Souphanousinphone...

187. Where's my lunch?

188. Kahn, wake up. It's 10:30!

189. You're late for work!

190. Wha... Minh, it's still dark out.

191. Mm.

192. Kahn...

193. You touch that flag,

194. and that'll be the last thing you ever touch.

195. - Ah... - Ah...

196. - Ah?

197. Aah! Help me! He trying to hurt me!

198. Hey, Bobby.

199. Hey, Clark.

200. I've never said anything,

201. but I really admire your writing.

202. Uh-huh.

203. If I had a gift like yours, I'd share it.

204. That's nice.

205. "My favorite hobby." It's due Thursday.

206. I'll turn it in Friday

207. so they don't get suspicious.

208. Hey, Bobby. Hey, Bobby.

209. You have something you want to say to me?

210. Yeah, well, everyone's asking me

211. to help them with their papers because...

212. Well, you know, I'm the best writer in school.

213. Really? Well, you are not the best writer in the school.

214. I am. I wrote that essay. Me.

215. I never said you didn't.

216. Yes, you did.

217. Now, if you don't mind, I have to get back to my musings column

218. because no one is going to write it for me.

219. I thought the Bystander wasn't running musings anymore.

220. Yes, well, in the time it took them

221. to turn down my last batch,

222. I have written 185 more.

223. A hundred and sixty-one of those, being pure gold.

224. The rest are resubmissions.

225. "If you like knitting, you'll love this yarn."

226. Clark Peters, my boy, you found your hobby.

227. Did you read the Bystander this morning, Hank?

228. No, not yet.

229. Huh, it's Frank Gorshin's birthday.

230. He was the Riddler, you know.

231. Next to the birthday column, Hank.

232. Your musings are back! Hey, good for you, Peggy.

233. How'd you do it?

234. I bought ad space.

235. Uh, huh.

236. Damn right. Let the readers get hooked again.

237. That's when I pull the ad

238. and wait for the call.

239. Hmm.

240. Mm-hm.

241. Hmm, so many people like to knit.

242. Oh, I see you read my column.

243. - Twice. - Well, thank you.

244. Would you mind writing a letter to the editor to that effect?

245. Well, if I write one for you, I'd have to write one for Clark Peters.

246. Well, if you think it would... I don't follow.

247. It seems both you and Clark Peters

248. believe that, quote, "When it comes to tea cozies,

249. it's either crochet, or the highway."

250. Now that doesn't sound like the Clark Peters I know.

251. The Clark Peters I know likes to burn things.

252. Oh, my God. I feel so plagiarized.

253. Plagiarism. That's a serious accusation.

254. One you might have to level at my entire seventh grade class,

255. which has turned in papers on "Napkin rings, those useful things."

256. "Autumn, love it or leaf it."

257. And my favorite,

258. "Did you know Emily's husband is having an affair with root beer?"

259. Oh, don't worry, she's not jealous.

260. Wait, obviously, someone has hacked into my KayPro.

261. I can believe that.

262. Or I can believe the nine children

263. who told me Bobby wrote their essays.

264. Huh? Bobby Hill! Get over here!

265. How dare you steal my musings?

266. It's your fault for writing my flag essay

267. and getting me an "A."

268. Nobody bothered me when I was a "C" student.

269. - Bobby! - Well...

270. Now we're getting somewhere.

271. If I may steal something from your musings,

272. the sauce thickens.

273. What do you want, huh?

274. Money? I spent it all on that ad.

275. I think the right thing to do would be to apologize.

276. Right. Bobby, tell her you're sorry.

277. No, not to me.

278. But to the entire student body.

279. And what better place than tomorrow's assembly?

280. I suggest you each write your own apologies.

281. Otherwise, I will file a formal complaint

282. with Principal Moss.

283. What did they teach you in that graduate school?

284. How to survive.

285. I guess deep down inside,

286. part of me always knew I didn't deserve that "A."

287. Oh, God, when those students see me onstage,

288. they're going to expect me to receive

289. another substitute teacher of the year award,

290. not a self-administered tongue-lashing.

291. Uh-uh, I'm sorry, I cannot do it. I won't.

292. It is not fair to the students.

293. What you two did was wrong.

294. You've not only disgraced the flag,

295. you've disgraced the republic for which it stands.

296. If I were you, I'd start writing your apologies.

297. And if I were you, I'd hide yours from Bobby.

298. This is all my fault, Mom.

299. I'm so sorry.

300. I am sorry, too.

301. But I will be damned if I'm going to get up on that stage

302. and apologize to that woman.

303. We have no choice.

304. If we don't go to the assembly,

305. Mrs. Donovan's going to turn us in to Principal Moss.

306. Oh, don't worry, we are going to that assembly,

307. and we are going to put on one hell of a show.

308. What do you mean?

309. Those students don't need an apology,

310. they need something to believe in.

311. And that's what we'll give 'em.

312. Boy loves his country.

313. Mother loves her son.

314. It's as American as apple pie.

315. And if Donovan says boo, they'll hang her for treason.

316. Yeah, I love apple pie!

317. That flag got us into this mess,

318. and that flag is going to get us out.

319. At tomorrow's assembly, we will give those saps

320. a good old-fashioned star-spangled snow job.

321. We will set it all up tonight.

322. Get the keys to his truck from his pants

323. while I distract him.

324. Go.

325. Oh, honey, is the grout cracking around the tub?

326. What?

327. Good Lord.

328. Now, at night, Mr. Dauterive

329. keeps that flag folded in his garage.

330. So if we...

331. Uh, all right, change in plan.

332. I've taken down laundry, I can take down a flag.

333. And I can drive a truck.

334. - Oh, yeah! - Go, baby!

335. Ow! Ooh.

336. Okay, little more.

337. - More, keep coming. Little more.

338. - Ow. - Okay, you're fine.

339. All right, now, let's fold as we go.

340. And remember, we are stealing this flag, we are not disgracing it.

341. Ready?

342. Ow!

343. - Uh-oh.

344. Bobby, honey, do not look over.

345. Wait. No, no, that makes you look guilty.

346. Look over.

347. Perfect.

348. The flag!

349. Quick, Bobby, get back in that truck.

350. We have got to retrace our steps.

351. - Oh, no!

352. Bobby, get out and check.

353. Oh, please let it be a speed bump.

354. Speed bump, come on, speed bump.

355. Speed bump, right?

356. No, it's the flag.

357. And it's wrapped around the axle.

358. All right, slowly drive forward.

359. Okay, and you're free.

360. When you start your speech,

361. I'll pull a rope, and old glory will unfurl behind you!

362. Then, hold for applause.

363. When we get the music pumping and the dry ice all going

364. and those flares are lit,

365. they will not know what hit them.

366. I want to see what the flares look like from the back of the house.

367. Light the flares, Bobby!

368. Oh, they are beautiful!

369. This is going to work.

370. - Mom!

371. - Oh, God, no!

372. Bobby, save the flag!

373. It's already burned and wet.

374. Well, just don't stand there.

375. Rip it down, and let's get out of here!

376. What kind of animal would do such a thing?

377. A bear?

378. I present this flag for final inspection

379. and fitting disposal, sir.

380. Has this flag been inspected by the Sergeant-at-Arms?

381. Yes, sir!

382. Sergeant, what does the inspection show

383. and what do you recommend?

384. Since this flag has become old, ripped,

385. wet, burned and soiled upon in a tribute of service,

386. I recommend that it fittingly be destroyed by burning, sir.

387. And the JV basketball team collected 24 dollars and 60 cents.

388. Well, short of their goal.

389. And now it's my honor and privilege

390. to introduce one of TLMS'

391. best and brightest.

392. Look out for this kid. Bobby Hill!

393. I go away for three years, and you take my parking space

394. right from under me.

395. No, ma'am.

396. "I'm not a banker or a lawyer,

397. but I believe in giving credit where credit is due."

398. A great writer wrote those words.

399. My mom, Peggy Hill.

400. She also wrote my essay

401. and many of yours.

402. What has this school taught us about the flag?

403. I say the pledge of allegiance every day,

404. but I don't know what it means.

405. I hear The Star-Spangled Banner

406. before every football game,

407. but by "O, say can you see,"

408. I'm looking for the guy with the peanuts.

409. But today, I watched a grown man cry

410. while his flag burned.

411. And when I saw how much it meant to him,

412. I realized how much it should have meant to me.

413. So tomorrow, if you're sitting next to me in detention,

414. and one of your spitballs comes anywhere near that flag,

415. you'd better watch your back.

416. Tom Landry rules!

417. God bless America.

418. That... that... that was... That was terrific, Bobby.

419. I can see why that got an "A."

420. Now let's, uh, let's bring on the marching band.

421. What works for me, see, is the cocoa.