King of the Hill 4x10

David Herman as Big Terry (voice)

A propane shortage gives Hank Y2K fears that alter his Christmas-gift plans; Dale's stash of hoarded goods is destroyed by a hamster that he was planning to use for food.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Boy, I tell you what, Chappy,

2. you've got some good-looking trees this year.

3. Is that a dig? 'Cause it ain't funny, Hank.

4. I wasn't trying to be funny, uh...

5. Aw, sorry, Hank,

6. but people ain't buying trees this year.

7. They're buying batteries and bottled water.

8. It's the millennium, Hank.

9. That's crazy.

10. Everyone's known about the millennium for almost a year now.

11. You know, I have on good authority

12. from Texas Propane Association Commissioner Murray Hogarth,

13. personal friend,

14. that there will be no disruption of essential services.

15. Well, I'm not panicking.

16. You want to know why?

17. Because Chappy takes care of Chappy.

18. Want a piece of corn bread?

19. Make it myself with no electric tools.

20. Mmm.

21. Must be the elbow grease that makes it taste so good, huh?

22. That or the lard. Render it myself.

23. You're like a pioneer, Chappy.

24. I live in a shack. I poop in an outhouse.

25. I eat what I kill.

26. Let the grid go down, Lord.

27. - I don't need it.

28. Uh...

29. There isn't a Mrs. Chappy, is there, Chappy?

30. I tell you what, man, them Y2K, man,

31. them mainframes going to clear come crashing down like that grid.

32. Man, that look like a dang old Apocalypse Now, man...

33. The horror. The horror.

34. Oh, Lord, Dale.

35. You know, this Y2K thing is tailor-made

36. for paranoid freaks like him.

37. Gentlemen, sorry I'm late, but I had a fantastic day.

38. I went to the Army-Navy store.

39. Ah, what'd you buy, a battleship?

40. No, Hank, don't be a silly.

41. Why, I bought an American flag decal.

42. It signifies my full faith and confidence

43. in the United States government

44. in these trying and uncertain times.

45. Well, it's taken 2,000 years,

46. but, Dale, you're finally making sense.

47. Team USA!

48. Let's see. Four sacks of seed corn,

49. 18 cases breakfast bars, strawberry,

50. 18 cases breakfast bars, assorted,

51. two co2-pressurized drums of mountain dew.

52. - Shug... - No one's going to catch

53. the big "D" off guard.

54. The real problem will be obtaining fresh meat.

55. A breeding pair of gerbils!

56. Um, Dale, honey,

57. one of those is a hamster.

58. Laugh now, lady.

59. After a month of eating cockroaches,

60. you will be begging for gerbster.

61. Okey-dokey, how's this one?

62. "Although there is no 'L' in Christmas,

63. there is 'noel' in Christmas."

64. Oh, I see.

65. The second one is "n-o-e-l."

66. - Mm-hm. - That's a different word.

67. - That is very funny, Mom.

68. - Laugh.

69. Hey, who wants to go to Mega Lo Mart and buy some tinsel?

70. I do!

71. Peggy, tinsel?

72. Our prices are ho-ho-low.

73. Attention, AJ, we need to bring that box to aisle...

74. There's a run on triple-ply bunny soft!

75. What about quilted aloe vera?

76. I don't know. It's not my brand.

77. Well, it's my brand.

78. Bobby, you're not all hepped up

79. on this Y2K ho-haw, are you?

80. I just saw a man wheeling 300 rolls of triple-ply,

81. and it made me uneasy.

82. That man is a nut job.

83. Oh, he's no nut job.

84. I used to work for Dell Computer.

85. I know things.

86. "Dell Computer."

87. Excuse me, but I have a KayPro.

88. Now, can you tell me if it will be Y2K-compliant?

89. "KayPro"?

90. My watch has more memory than that piece of crap.

91. You know what I think, Dad?

92. Nut job.

93. - Peggy, I need your help. - Oh, I need hard copies!

94. I could lose everything, Hank. Everything!

95. Seven-letter boggle words,

96. my Peggy Hill self-abridged thesaurus,

97. musings, ponderings on the way to being musings,

98. rap music, wrapping paper.

99. I know I can crack that nut.

100. Peggy, why don't you take off that nasal strip?

101. Maybe your snoring will drown out

102. the sound of that dang printer.

103. Do not blame me. Blame the freakin' millennium.

104. Oh, no. My opinions!

105. Oh, no.

106. Hey, Dale, you own a computer, don't you?

107. I have a system.

108. Well, I'm going to surprise Peggy this year.

109. I'm going to get her a new...

110. computer.

111. A computer?

112. Oh, uh...

113. I mean...

114. a computer?

115. It's a shame to see all our friends and neighbors acting so selfish.

116. Fred Nickelson cut an old lady off yesterday

117. in the checkout line.

118. The JV basketball coach.

119. Greedy.

120. I mean, if everyone hoards,

121. there'll be nothing left to go around.

122. And he who does hoard will have unreasonable power.

123. You and I seem to be the only ones around here

124. that have our heads on straight.

125. Completely straight.

126. The machines are down for compliance testing.

127. Hold the phone!

128. Whack-A-Mole is up and running.

129. Of course it's running.

130. There's no computer in your Whack-A-Mole game.

131. It's a basic peg-and-gear system with a simple servomotor

132. controlling each rodent.

133. They don't make them like this...

134. Hank, found one!

135. Now, hold on, Dale.

136. I want to make sure it's Y2K-compliant

137. because Peggy's KayPro evidently is not.

138. "KayPro"?

139. That wasn't Y1K compliant.

140. All home computers are Y2K-compliant now,

141. but the mainframes...

142. If people would spend a little less time worrying

143. and a little more time reading

144. a brilliantly written op-ed piece

145. by former FCC Chairman Reed Hundt,

146. then they'd realize that our government

147. has everything under control.

148. I'd like to read that article, Dale,

149. and I'll take that computer.

150. The gray one.

151. Oh, shoot, our system is down.

152. I can't ring you up.

153. Well, just write me out a receipt.

154. Sir, the computer is down.

155. I can't sell you a computer.

156. I can't check our inventory.

157. I can't lock the front door.

158. It's impossible to figure out the sales tax.

159. It's eight percent.

160. Yes! And eight is a key on the computer.

161. Hey, Peggy.

162. Mm-hm. Where's Hank?

163. Hank? He went someplace.

164. I can't tell you.

165. He went Christmas shopping, didn't he?

166. So, I moved all the combs

167. to the lower drawer, which was practically empty,

168. and now, it's base-wide policy.

169. Yeah, so, all the barbers at Fort Blandin...

170. Oh, tell me the part

171. about what Hank is getting me for Christmas.

172. Mmm. A computer.

173. - Anyway... - Eee! Oh, yeah!

174. Yeah, so remember I said I'd tell you about the brushes?

175. I...

176. Peggy?

177. You had her with the combs.

178. Idiot!

179. Shug, I'll be in my think hole.

180. My Dew!

181. Ugh!

182. How could you do this to me, Puff-Puff?

183. My cigarettes!

184. No!

185. Well, I hope you took your heart pills this morning, Mr. Strickland,

186. 'cause it looks like it's going to be a rough one.

187. No, not me, Hank.

188. There's a lynch mob out there.

189. They gone Y2-kooky. I'm out of here.

190. Sir, have you forgotten the gasser's creed?

191. "I promise to dispense..."

192. No, no, no, I don't have time for that.

193. Debbie and me are going to the desert

194. to ride out the apocalypse.

195. I'll be back in two weeks.

196. Don't worry. We've got plenty of propane to go around.

197. Hey, Joe Jack, what have you got left in the tanks?

198. Tanks are tapped out. We got nothing.

199. What? But we were supposed to get a shipment in this morning.

200. Okay, it's officially an emergency.

201. I'm going to put a call in

202. to Texas Propane Commissioner Murray Hogarth.

203. Whoa! Well, I know him.

204. He'll have a bobtail here in no time.

205. Murray Hogarth, please.

206. Oh, hi, Murray. Hank Hill calling.

207. My supplier left me holding the...

208. What?

209. But you promised me there are procedures in place.

210. What does this have to do with Y2K?

211. Well, what does "temporarily noncompliant" mean?

212. Murray...

213. stop crying.

214. Act like a commissioner, for God's sake.

215. So, where's our propane?

216. Uh, nothing to panic about, okay?

217. I've got some extra tanks in the back.

218. So, if you'll just form a line, single-file, please...

219. That's it. Okay.

220. There are procedures in place.

221. Procedures.

222. Procedures.

223. Forgive me, Lord, for what I'm about to do.

224. Hank's getting me a new computer for Christmas.

225. - Well, I think it's romantic.

226. - Oh! - Did it make the news?

227. Did what make the news?

228. Over at work. Murray Hogarth was crying.

229. I...

230. Peggy, this computer thing could be big.

231. You were right to be worried.

232. Well, I am more than worried, Hank.

233. I am panicked.

234. I am panicked that my old computer

235. is going to drag this family down

236. into the depths of chaos.

237. Yeah, let's get rid of that old computer.

238. Oh.

239. Right. Exactly. I agree.

240. Let's get rid of that old computer, shall we?

241. Oh, he is such a bad actor.

242. Let me in!

243. Oh, Dale, thank goodness.

244. Everyone else is losing their minds, and you're the only...

245. Shut up! I don't have time for your little problems.

246. My gerbil screwed me.

247. - What? - I'm ruined!

248. All of the planning,

249. and the secret hoarding...

250. You've been hoarding?

251. Duh!

252. I need foodstuffs. What do you got?

253. I have got nothing for a liar like you.

254. You've got three tanks of propane.

255. How did you know that?

256. Hank, I have dedicated my life

257. to getting ahead of others in times of crisis.

258. This is my time.

259. Fine, it's your time. So what do we do?

260. I have no idea.

261. All right, you're going to need your own wheat grinder.

262. I'll teach you how to grow your own mung beans

263. in old paper towels.

264. I live in a shack, and I poop in an outhouse.

265. That's it?

266. This is your go-to guy?

267. An outhouse and monkey beans?

268. I couldn't take on the freaking bicentennial

269. with an outhouse and monkey beans,

270. let alone the millennium!

271. Is that a dig?

272. You listen to me, Clem Kadiddlehopper,

273. and you listen good.

274. 1.2 trillion lines of lethal software code...

275. Yeah, and 30 billion embedded microchips.

276. all going down!

277. Utilities will fail.

278. Nuclear weapons will launch themselves!

279. Wait, wait. Hold... Hold on, now. Don't cut me out.

280. We can work as a team, right?

281. All right, I'll take care of tools and supplies.

282. You guys are in charge of food.

283. Try to stay focused.

284. Now, I know that your mom wants a computer for Christmas,

285. but she'll thank me come January first,

286. when this is the only gift on the block that'll work.

287. And when that grid goes down, you know what's going to happen?

288. I don't know what a grid is.

289. Exactly. Nobody does.

290. And they certainly won't know what time it is,

291. and that's when they'll be knocking on our door

292. asking to use our clock.

293. What happened to your power drill?

294. It's gone. Got rid of it.

295. Traded it to a fool for a sack of corn.

296. We've only got six days to stock up

297. on aloe vera quilted toilet paper.

298. I'll get the truck.

299. Shush. Let me handle this.

300. My friend Chappy and I both have wives

301. for whom we are looking for presents.

302. Christmas dogs to put under the tree.

303. Well, how about this Lhasa Apso?

304. No, that's way too small.

305. Yeah. Well, uh, let's see.

306. This one's old and kind of ropy.

307. My wife would not enjoy it.

308. Maybe you two should step away from the cages.

309. Please. My wife is in a wheelchair.

310. All she wants for Christmas is a big, fat dog

311. with lots of meat on his haunches.

312. I'll take all nine of those little dogs on top.

313. Wrap them up.

314. We have Christmas!

315. Have we lost power?

316. Don't know, but when we do, we'll be ready.

317. Okay, Bobby.

318. Honey, why don't you get us started?

319. I love it!

320. Well, you did drop some pretty big hints.

321. All right, who's next?

322. Me, me, me!

323. Oh.

324. Oh, thanks. Um, it's...

325. Yeah, thanks.

326. Careful, Luanne. They don't call it a mangle for nothing.

327. It's a laundry mangle.

328. For a white Christmas.

329. Mm.

330. That's 4,000 sheets.

331. Thank you, Bobby.

332. Well, I got you a Discman.

333. And, Uncle Hank,

334. I got you a pair of Timberland boots.

335. And I got toilet paper and a laundry mangle.

336. Peggy, your turn.

337. Is it bigger than a mouse pad?

338. Well, why don't you go find out?

339. It's in your office.

340. Hmm?

341. Uh. That is not a computer.

342. No. It's a Stromwell from 1910.

343. I do not want a grandfather clock!

344. And I do not want toilet paper!

345. Fine! I'll take the grandfather clock!

346. It's a great-grandfather clock!

347. I'll bet you're ready for the millennium, Coach Landry.

348. You won 270 games, and all you needed was one suit.

349. And one hat.

350. And that one expression.

351. Hmm.

352. Whoops.

353. Hank? I'm taking Bobby and Luanne

354. to get real presents.

355. Oh, and I'm going to be driving a car,

356. if that's okay with you.

357. Are you guys crazy? Don't stick your heads out there.

358. You'll get whacked.

359. Uh, Peggy!

360. I'm gonna get a computer!

361. Ow! Oh.

362. Bobby!

363. Bobby Mole!

364. I'm wearing diapers, Father.

365. What?

366. I'm going backwards. I'm a baby now.

367. The future is bad. You said so yourself.

368. Up and down. Join the party.

369. Join the party. Up and down.

370. This is insanity. Keep your heads down.

371. Tom Landry?

372. Hello, Hank.

373. Coach Landry, you've got to get off the platform.

374. It's a peg-and-gear.

375. In a couple of seconds, it's going to push you through that hole.

376. I know.

377. But aren't you...

378. Aren't you scared? You're going to get whacked.

379. Not every time, Hank.

380. The times you don't, it's pretty sweet.

381. Sunshine, fresh air,

382. a little football on the TV in the arcade.

383. Every time I go up, I see a little more.

384. Well, my turn again.

385. Aah!

386. Cowboys are playing.

387. Attaboy, Troy.

388. Come on, Bobby. It'll be all right.

389. Coach Landry said so.

390. No. I like it here.

391. It's safe, and it's quilted.

392. Bobby, come with me.

393. Everything is going to be just fine.

394. Oh.

395. Whoa.

396. - Oh, for goodness sakes! Hank!

397. Dad! Are you okay?

398. Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.

399. We're all going to be okay.

400. What are you doing?

401. Bobby, trust me.

402. I want to apologize to everyone for almost ruining Christmas.

403. There really is nothing to be afraid of about this millennium.

404. Heck, the year 2000 only happens once in the history of man,

405. and we're darn lucky to see it happen.

406. Peggy, do you remember how excited you were

407. when you rolled over the odometer in your Buick?

408. Well, imagine if the whole world

409. had been in that car with you.

410. - Oh, man.

411. Oh, Hank, honey, don't...

412. Don't burn the clock.

413. You know, the more I see it,

414. the more I think it makes me look like an intellectual.

415. Uh, actually, Peggy, I got you a real Christmas present.

416. A system? Really?

417. The blueberry one.

418. It'll be here tomorrow.

419. Oh, Hank.

420. Hey, hillbillies!

421. Those aren't logs, you know.

422. Yeah, they for wipey-wipey.

423. You will be begging for gerbster.