King of the Hill 3x9

Janet Waldo as Mrs. Tobbis (voice) • Dennis Burkley as Principal Moss (voice)

At Christmastime, Bill becomes even more depressed than usual, because it's the anniversary of when his wife Lenore left him. Bill tries to commit suicide, and when that doesn't work out, he dresses up in Lenore's old clothes and declares that he is Lenore.

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1. I do love christmas.

2. I like to celebrate the anniversary

3. of when lenore left me 7 years ago, christmas eve.

4. best thing that ever happened to me. yup.

5. well, that's nice, bill.

6. yeah, I tell you what.

7. holidays are the least lonely time of the year.

8. uh, heh,

9. you know, I feel like eating a cookie.

10. bill's always got some cookies lying around, probably.

11. bill?

12. oh, hank, hey, buddy.

13. I—I was just cleaning for baby Jesus' birthday.

14. well, good.

15. uh, I just wanted to make sure

16. that you'll be coming over for dinner,

17. you know, until the holidays are over.

18. oh, yeah, I'm coming.

19. I cleared my calendar right through the end of the year

20. and a good chunk of the next.

21. bill, these old gifts aren't for lenore, are they?

22. no.

23. yes, but she'll come back and be happy I saved everything.

24. bill, you've got to face the facts. she's not...

25. well, it's very unlikely that, uh...

26. well, I—I guess you never know.

27. freakish things do happen.

28. yes, they do. thank you.

29. I've received a few more responses for our party.

30. rudy beeker, yes-v.p.

31. all this talk about people makes me...

32. you know what it makes me think about?

33. break-ups.

34. you ever think about that dead boyfriend of yours?

35. well—

36. I wonder if you'll ever find someone again.

37. I mean, most people just get one relationship in this life.

38. luanne, honey, can you help me serve at the party?

39. you were such a wonderful hostess last year.

40. what?

41. I can help, mom.

42. I'll be the hostess with the mostess.

43. let's see, mary, margaret...

44. what—what's the name of that girl who dumped you, bobby?

45. marie.

46. marie. Yeah, she was cute.

47. maybe we could talk about something else, huh?

48. oh, yeah, sure.

49. remember bob cecil, peggy?

50. you went to a basketball game together.

51. you liked him.

52. well, that was 10th grade. no, I didn't.

53. yeah, you did. but he didn't like you.

54. uh, shouldn't you be doing this?

55. he likes serving.

56. oh, after last night, it is a miracle

57. I have my appetite back at all.

58. I just don't see why bill must ruin all of our dinners

59. personally,I can live without him.

60. me, too.

61. peggy, a little more than 20 years ago,

62. I set arlen high's single-season rushing record.

63. sure, I had legs like a jackrabbit,

64. but bill dauterive blocked for me.

65. and the running back who forgets his front line

66. that's the man I wouldn't want to have to dinner.

67. shame on you. shame on you both.

68. here you go, darling. come on.

69. mmm. Mmm. mmm.

70. come on, eat up.

71. so, uh, were they all out of dogs there, bill?

72. no, no, iguanas are very trendy these days

73. you see them in cigar bars with movie stars.

74. come on. come on, lenore.

75. you've named it lenore?

76. well, yeah, I—I thought it looked like a lenore.

77. I think he's just not very hungry right now.

78. I mean, with so many new people.

79. uh, oh, should I leave?

80. thank you.

81. don't worry. It's dead

82. I cannot eat another meal with bill at our dinner table.

83. why? bill seemed a lot happier tonight.

84. honey, that iguana is a cry for help.

85. a hissing, disease-ridden cry for help.

86. luanne, knock!

87. I had a bad dream.

88. bill.

89. I dreamt that lenore came back and stole lenore.

90. and then lenore drove off with lenore,

91. and I ran down the street after them

92. and I yelled, "lenore! lenore!"

93. and then my teeth fell out.

94. peggy, you were there.

95. can I sleep in your living room?

96. yes, bill.

97. I'm giving you 24 hours

98. to get me out of that man's dreams.

99. shall we?

100. no.

101. you need a minute?

102. uh, bill,

103. I want to have dinner tonight, just the family.

104. you don't want me coming to dinner?

105. why don't you just take the night

106. to practice being happy, ok?

107. I—I like eating alone I—I prefer it, even.

108. no offense to your family

109. oh, it is just so wonderful.

110. the food even smells better

111. oh.

112. and then the clint eastwood character would say:

113. "that propane tank is empty."

114. wouldn't that be a good movie?

115. good? that would be a great movie.

116. and would you direct it, uncle hank?

117. yeah, me maybe, or your aunt peggy.

118. did I ever tell you all about how they...

119. dang!

120. my 10-footer's gone. dale!

121. or bill! probably dale!

122. what you doing there, bill?

123. satellite dish trouble?

124. no, I'm just up here to kill myself.

125. what?

126. no!

127. you know who I feel sorriest for in all this?

128. bill. We need to find him a psychiatrist.

129. he's just suicidal, peggy, he's not crazy.

130. we've just gotta watch him constantly

131. until he snaps out of it.

132. I don't think bill is gonna snap out of it.

133. there's nothing we can do

134. but sit back and watch the bloodbath.

135. no, he's our friend.

136. now, dale, you make your own hours,

137. so you take the day shift.

138. I'll take nights.

139. boomhauer, late afternoon to early evening.

140. can I have another codeine, please?

141. quiet, bill.

142. we're trying to do something here.

143. so, uh...

144. huh.

145. this shouldn't be here.

146. so, uh, maybe you ought to get to bed

147. and try to sleep this thing off.

148. all I do is sleep.

149. I guess I'm just getting in practice, huh,

150. for the big long sleep.

151. come on, bill. how about a beer?

152. beer's a depressant, hank.

153. don't go blaming the beer.

154. it's electric, bill.

155. yeah, but it's still getting pretty hot.

156. oh.

157. all right, we'll do this the hard way.

158. where do you keep your pajamas?

159. ok, you want baseball players or the...

160. hey, what's this fancy one?

161. I like the way silk feels on my skin.

162. silk is for pantyhose, bill.

163. they're all I got. you've got a wife!

164. put 'em on.

165. no, I don't want to.

166. arms up.

167. rinse.

168. ow.

169. damn it, bill!

170. nuh-uh.

171. but I have to tinkle.

172. not on my watch.

173. ?

174. oh.

175. lenore and I used to come here

176. and watch people dance like that.

177. stop!

178. no.

179. I can't keep this up.

180. it's not in my nature to care about others.

181. yeah, man. that old routine, man. talking about no free time.

182. work. Bill. Work. Bill. work. Bill.

183. put an old bullet in my own head, man.

184. ok, I'll take over your guys' shifts.

185. I just gotta work it out with my boss.

186. dale, what are you wearing?

187. nothing.

188. that's bill's pajama top.

189. he's as good as dead. what's the difference?

190. sir, you know how I hate missing work

191. during the holidays, but I got a—

192. it's your christmas party, right?

193. yeah. You need some time to set up.

194. well, get it right

195. you invited our whole dang client sheet.

196. uh, no, actually, it concerns a friend of mine,

197. and, well, it's a matter of life or death, really.

198. yeah. Yeah. Yeah. just wrap it up one way or t'other

199. and have donna zero out your vacation days

200. dang it, bill!

201. I haven't slept in 2 days.

202. this morning bill tried to drown himself in the toilet.

203. so do you think you could find him a date?

204. uh, I would have to invite a woman over for dinner

205. and, of course, never tell her that bill would be here.

206. thanks, peggy.

207. they won't let me have a knife.

208. I'm in the middle of killing myself.

209. do you like iguanas, mrs. Tobis?

210. you lied to me, peggy.

211. mr. dauterive is a collector of exotic reptilia

212. you collect throw pillows.

213. I have some pillow s on my couch,

214. but that doesn't make me insane.

215. and in answer to your question,

216. I find iguanas to be filthy, repulsive creatures.

217. why, I think we all could use a bath.

218. well, when it's your own.

219. you are a gross man.

220. sheila!

221. marry me.

222. bill.

223. oh, this is so exciting.

224. I just want my coat.

225. for the love of god, get me my coat.

226. allow me.

227. lenore, don't leave me!

228. sheila,I should tell you right now,

229. I have already given him your number.

230. dale.

231. he would have wanted me to have it.

232. he's still alive.

233. nitpicking ain't gonna bring him back.

234. help me. hank, help me. help me look for lenore.

235. bill, can't you see that this whole lenore thing is your problem?

236. the iguana, these presents , this old tree.

237. get rid of this stuff.

238. no. no, I couldn't. I couldn't.

239. see, when—when she comes back—

240. she's never coming back. it's so obvious.

241. she doesn't want this stupid stocking.

242. no!

243. or whatever's in this box.

244. no.

245. or this.

246. or this.

247. no.

248. there.

249. you feel ok?

250. I don't feel anything.

251. great, I knew you'd snap out of this.

252. uh, sure you're ok?

253. yes.

254. good.

255. now I can tell you,

256. you were acting pretty weird there.

257. yes.

258. ok, then. I'll see you tomorrow.

259. I was really hard on him but it was all for the best.

260. can you imagine if he'd shown up at our party with lenore?

261. well, are you sure he's ok?

262. I asked him twice.

263. well, there's that lizard.

264. hey. Hey, who are you?

265. ? what are you doing in bill's backyard

266. hank, don't you recognize me?

267. I'm lenore.

268. what is going on?

269. well, I'm just washing a dress for your big party, silly.

270. bill, take off the dress.

271. why do you keep calling me bill?

272. my name is lenore, silly.

273. I've come back because I love bill so much

274. and I really missed him.

275. no, uh-uh, this is too much.

276. , in high school, you blocked for me

277. but I did my job, too.

278. I ran through the hole

279. setting arlen high's single-season rushing record,

280. as you recall.

281. and now here I am blocking for you,

282. but you're not even trying.

283. I don't even know what kind of game you're playing.

284. maybe some kind of crazy tennis.

285. hank, ok, then. nice visiting with you.

286. see you at the party.

287. no. no, you stay away from my party.

288. I'm already invited, so there.

289. oh, hello.

290. do you gentlemen think you could spare a beer for a lady?

291. come on, you know you're bill.

292. no, no,I don't know that. I'm—I'm lenore.

293. well, if you're lenore , then where's bill, huh?

294. uh, bill's in the house.

295. you want me to go get him?

296. I'm skeptical that you could,

297. yet intrigued that you may.

298. bill's been acting a little weird lately, don't you think?

299. maybe it's me.

300. uh, bill's busy.

301. I needed a wrap. it's chilly.

302. yup.

303. all right, that's it.

304. honey, you're peeling in anger.

305. you should be able to get more than one french fry

306. out of a whole idaho.

307. yeah, maybe I am angry.

308. I used my vacation days bathing the son of a bitch,

309. and he threatens to crash my christmas party.

310. he's not being an ingrate on purpose.

311. the only way that bill could get lenore back was to become her.

312. mmm-hmm. I wouldn't be surprised

313. if there was some psychological basis to it.

314. well, I don't know anything about psychology

315. but it sounds to me like mr. dauterive needs closure.

316. he needs to realize that lenore's never coming back,

317. and he needs to just move on with his life.

318. it's the same thing buckley's angel told me.

319. buckley's angel is the only on e making sense.

320. how about I invite the real lenore to the party

321. and just settle this thing once and for all?

322. oh, I hope it works,

323. but if they show up in the same dress,

324. it'll be a disaster.

325. ?

326. listen, hank, we got all our clients here.

327. big fish, little fish.

328. so, if you see some little fish cornering me,

329. it's your job to pull me out.

330. we should treat all our clients

331. like big fish, mr. strickland

332. yeah. Good, good. save that for the little fish.

333. damn it.

334. may I offer you a homemade tater tot, mr. and mrs. Dauterive?

335. why, thanks.

336. what the hell's going on here, hank?

337. I ordered a santa. this is some kind of mistake.

338. bill, get out.

339. lenore. bill.

340. I want to stay and mingle.

341. lenore, who is me, sure does love a party.

342. party, party!

343. phone call for you, mom.

344. hello.

345. lenore? hold on.

346. bill, it's the real lenore.

347. what?

348. oh, honey, but you have to come by.

349. ok, how about I hand bill the phone?

350. it would really help...

351. well, if you could just tell him you send your love...

352. yeah, sure. no, I understand.

353. never mind, bill.

354. (man #1) my god, look at that guy.

355. is this a joke?

356. 'cause if it is, I don't get it.

357. (man #2) he's a freak.

358. I tell you what, man, it's getting ugly in here, man.

359. these people coming get bill in a dress,

360. get the ass-whupping on him.

361. go back to hollywood.

362. this isn't the democratic national convention.

363. you crashed the wrong party, honey.

364. (man #6) this is strickland propane.

365. (man #7) take off this dress, buddy. you're scaring me.

366. yeah, now we're having fun.

367. yeah, that's right. it's that kind of party.

368. anything goes. extra fun.

369. hank, this wasn't on my invitation.

370. did you make bill a special invitation?

371. stop it! stop it! stop it! stop it! stop it!

372. okey-dokey. everyone, let's play boggle, huh?

373. it's not usually played with such a large group

374. but it's christmas,

375. so let's sing a song.

376. stop teasing me.

377. bill, I am lenore, and I don't love you.

378. no, hank, I'm lenore.

379. I've left you forever because you're lazy and no-good.

380. lenore.

381. we fight so loud all the neighbors can hear.

382. we fight during the day, we fight during the night.

383. lenore, wait. we can work stuff out.

384. I'm a good husband.

385. bill, if I wanted to work things out, I would have called.

386. I don't love you anymore. That's it

387. I don't love you.

388. that's all?

389. that's why you left? it's simple as that?

390. you didn't even have the courtesy

391. to send me a dear john letter?

392. well, I tell you what, I consider that rude.

393. and I'll tell you something, I am worth a dear john letter.

394. I'll tell you that right now.

395. and there are a lot of women who would agree with me.

396. so, you know what? you go ahead. You get out! get out!

397. you don't, you don't deserve

398. william fontaine delatur dauterive.

399. ok, bill, that's what I'm doing then

400. I hit rock bottom there, didn't I, hank?

401. and hard.

402. then it's all uphill from now on.

403. yup. The wind's at your back, buddy.

404. merry christmas.

405. why do you keep calling me bill?