1. Good old Mason 1500.Copy !req
2. Handles like the day I bought her.Copy !req
3. I tell you what. This is the only mower
I'd want with meCopy !req
4. if I were ever stranded
on a desert island.Copy !req
5. You are going to kill at that lawnmower
focus group tomorrow, Hank.Copy !req
6. Now, Dale, a focus group
is not a competition.Copy !req
7. It's a chance for
the informed lawn mower consumerCopy !req
8. to give valuable inputCopy !req
9. to the mason corporation
in a comfortable mall setting.Copy !req
10. Well, I think it's just an honor
to be invited.Copy !req
11. You know, I'll tell you why
we've got to go tomorrow.Copy !req
12. Look at your average pickup truck.Copy !req
13. With airbags and vanity mirrors,Copy !req
14. it's one focus group away
from turning into a powder room.Copy !req
15. We can't let that happen
to the Mason 1500.Copy !req
16. We sure can't, can we?Copy !req
17. Bill, the only reason I invited DaleCopy !req
18. and Boomhauer and not youCopy !req
19. is 'cause you're coming over
for thanksgiving dinner,Copy !req
20. and I didn't want you to get sick of me.Copy !req
21. Oh, Hank, I will never be sick of you,Copy !req
22. not even when we're sharing
a cloud in heaven.Copy !req
23. All right, you can come.Copy !req
24. But when I make a point, just nod.Copy !req
25. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.Copy !req
26. Hank, you asked me to tell you
when Celine Dion is off the field.Copy !req
27. - She's off.
- Thanks, Mom.Copy !req
28. Aren't moms great?Copy !req
29. - Yeah, they are.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
30. I tell you what I'm thankful forCopy !req
31. that it's my mom's turn
to spend thanksgiving with us.Copy !req
32. She eats the dark meat
and doesn't complain.Copy !req
33. Boy, I tell you she'd…Copy !req
34. What the…Copy !req
35. You lawn jockeys were standing here
when I left two months ago.Copy !req
36. Pathetic.Copy !req
37. Dad, you came last thanksgiving.Copy !req
38. This year it's mom's turn, remember?Copy !req
39. Well, I don't want to cause any fuss.Copy !req
40. Your mother can eat in the yard.Copy !req
41. Now, in addition to all the thingsCopy !req
42. we normally don't talk about
in front of my dad,Copy !req
43. let me add my Mason Company focus group.Copy !req
44. How could you be worried
about this focus group?Copy !req
45. Your father is gonna ruin
this ThanksgivingCopy !req
46. as surely as Squanto
and his band of IndiansCopy !req
47. ruined the first one.Copy !req
48. Oh, will you look at the time?Copy !req
49. We've got to get this dinner on the tableCopy !req
50. because we are getting up
at 4 o'clock tomorrow morning.Copy !req
51. - Huh?
- It is a two-hour drive to the mall,Copy !req
52. and I want us there
right when the doors open.Copy !req
53. I have never gotten up
that early in my lifeCopy !req
54. unless fish were involved.Copy !req
55. Hank, the day after Thanksgiving is,
in my opinion,Copy !req
56. the biggest shopping day of the year,Copy !req
57. and I will not spend another year
giving Dallas Mavericks crapCopy !req
58. because the cowboys stuff
was all sold out.Copy !req
59. So I want us in bed by 7:30.Copy !req
60. I won't be able to fall asleep that early.Copy !req
61. You are not even trying.Copy !req
62. Have another beer.Copy !req
63. Oh, well, it's worth a shot.Copy !req
64. Dear Lord, we are gratefulCopy !req
65. that Cotton has forgotten
our carefully worked outCopy !req
66. holiday-parent rotation scheduleCopy !req
67. so that we may all be together
on this day.Copy !req
68. - Amen.
- Amen.Copy !req
69. Tilly, did you make this stuffing?Copy !req
70. 'Cause it tastes like garbage.Copy !req
71. Uh, Dad…Copy !req
72. I ever tell you about the time
she tried to poison meCopy !req
73. with a baked chicken?Copy !req
74. It was Chicken Almondine.Copy !req
75. It was cyanide, woman.Copy !req
76. Uh, Dad, could you pleaseCopy !req
77. show mom some respect
while Bobby's in the room?Copy !req
78. You heard him, Bobby.Copy !req
79. Leave the room.Copy !req
80. No, sit down, Bobby.Copy !req
81. Could you at least respect grandmom
until we get to dessert?Copy !req
82. Didi's your grandmom too, Bobby.Copy !req
83. Your pretty grandmom.Copy !req
84. - Dad.
- 'Course, bad as Tilly was in the kitchen,Copy !req
85. she was even worse in the bedroom.Copy !req
86. I said the woman was lousy in the sack.Copy !req
87. To the stuffing.Copy !req
88. Might taste like garbage,
but it sure fills you up.Copy !req
89. Come on, Peggy,
turn off your itty-bitty headlampCopy !req
90. and let's get some sleep.Copy !req
91. This is six malls over Texas, Hank.Copy !req
92. If you go unprepared,
it will eat you alive.Copy !req
93. Good night, Peggy.Copy !req
94. That was a lovely dinner.Copy !req
95. Good night, son.Copy !req
96. Well, mom seemed to enjoy herself tonight.Copy !req
97. You defended Troy Aikman
more than you defended your mother.Copy !req
98. Mom knows how it is with Dad,Copy !req
99. and there were six dropped passes.Copy !req
100. All Troy can do is get it there.Copy !req
101. Okay, everyone. Follow my beam.Copy !req
102. Hurry, carefully.Copy !req
103. Good morning.Copy !req
104. I hopes we wasn't too loud last night.Copy !req
105. Just so you know,Copy !req
106. you kids are on your own today.Copy !req
107. I'm taking Bobby ice-skating at the mall.Copy !req
108. We're gonna go meet guys.Copy !req
109. - I'm the bait.
- What?Copy !req
110. Guys love single moms.Copy !req
111. I forgot how much old ladies stink.Copy !req
112. Good God, you've got a fat neck, Hank.Copy !req
113. So, Dad, I thought we'd split up
at the mall.Copy !req
114. Ah, are you gonna talk the whole way?Copy !req
115. I'm going to head down
to the corn dog shackCopy !req
116. and watch the girlies make lemonade.Copy !req
117. - Good-bye, Peggy.
- No time.Copy !req
118. Oh, fire truck!Copy !req
119. Hi. How long would it takeCopy !req
120. to glue a rubber sole
back on a ladies' loafer?Copy !req
121. Five minutes.Copy !req
122. Ladies' loafer?Copy !req
123. That's a men's loafer.Copy !req
124. It is a uni-loafer.Copy !req
125. Ah, have it your way.Copy !req
126. This is going to take awhile.Copy !req
127. Hey, here come leftover turkeys.Copy !req
128. Ah, hell, you're here?Copy !req
129. I am everywhere you want to be, Hank Hill.Copy !req
130. I'm Jonathan Burrows, your moderator.Copy !req
131. My research associates and I
at Research AssociatesCopy !req
132. have only one client,
the American Consumer.Copy !req
133. Yes, we are being paid
by the Mason Corporation,Copy !req
134. but we're paid to be independent.Copy !req
135. I'll do all the talking…Copy !req
136. What's the matter?Copy !req
137. We may or may not have run
into your dad in the men's room,Copy !req
138. and we may or may not have told himCopy !req
139. that we were being paid 50 dollarsCopy !req
140. to participate in a focus group.Copy !req
141. Mostly, "may."Copy !req
142. Dad, that was a close one.Copy !req
143. Now, what you're going to want to do
is turn around,Copy !req
144. head out the door and…Copy !req
145. Well, once you're out the door
there really is no wrong turn.Copy !req
146. Out of my way.Copy !req
147. Ah, damn.Copy !req
148. Why don't we start
by introducing ourselves.Copy !req
149. Kahn Souphanousinphone.Copy !req
150. I am system analyst.Copy !req
151. So that's what you do.Copy !req
152. What kind of systems?Copy !req
153. Oh, why bother explain?Copy !req
154. You already in over your head.Copy !req
155. You, sir?Copy !req
156. Uh, Lane Pratley.
I own Pratley Ford, Pratley Hyundai,Copy !req
157. and, uh, I've got my eye
on Pratley Cadillac.Copy !req
158. My daddy ain't doing so good.Copy !req
159. Hey, you sold me an Escort once.Copy !req
160. Boyce Hubert.Copy !req
161. Minister.Copy !req
162. Although, I've lost my faith.Copy !req
163. 'Course, I did find
a pretty great parking spaceCopy !req
164. on my way in.Copy !req
165. But the lord works
in such mysterious ways,Copy !req
166. who the hell knows.Copy !req
167. Uh, my name's Hank Hill and I…Copy !req
168. He runs a gas station.Copy !req
169. Next. I'm Cotton Hill.Copy !req
170. I killed 50 men.Copy !req
171. Is that a real computer?Copy !req
172. - Yes.
- Oh…Copy !req
173. In… in that case, my name is…Copy !req
174. Rusty… Shackleford.Copy !req
175. Shackleford.Copy !req
176. Hey, you can just go ahead
and call me Boomhauer, man.Copy !req
177. You know, that dang ol' last name,
you know.Copy !req
178. Did a lot of different things, you know.
Had a job back there in that company.Copy !req
179. Settlement, man.
Ol' workers' comp, too, man.Copy !req
180. Ol' tax-free, man.Copy !req
181. Okay, uh, you, sir?Copy !req
182. I'm Bill Dauterive. I'm a Sergeant Barber
in the United States army.Copy !req
183. I'm five foot eight
and three-quarters inches tall.Copy !req
184. My wife, Lenore, divorced me
in the year of our lord 1991.Copy !req
185. - That's about it.
- Super. What a fine lot you are.Copy !req
186. And now I'd like to direct your attentionCopy !req
187. to the best that the Mason Corporation
has to offer…Copy !req
188. That's my mower, the Mason 1500.Copy !req
189. The MasonCopy !req
190. 2500.Copy !req
191. - Sweet!
- Lord have mercy.Copy !req
192. That's not my mower.Copy !req
193. They call this progress?Copy !req
194. They've pushed out all the mowerCopy !req
195. to make room for "cruise control,
zero-turning radiusCopy !req
196. featherweight space-age polymersCopy !req
197. optional rear-bag attachment,
Tommy Hilfinger sports package"?Copy !req
198. I love this mower so much,
my… my heart hurts.Copy !req
199. Why? Why do you love it so much?Copy !req
200. Because Hank Hill will never
be able to afford oneCopy !req
201. on his meager salary.Copy !req
202. My boy's a pump jockey. Works for tips.Copy !req
203. - Dad, I do not work for tips.
- Pump jockey.Copy !req
204. Dad, I am not a pump…Copy !req
205. Works for tips.Copy !req
206. I like the mower.Copy !req
207. It's got a lot of nice curves
like a purty young woman.Copy !req
208. Hank's mower's like a dumpy fishwife.Copy !req
209. What are we waiting for, Luanne?Copy !req
210. Mm, maybe it's too soon since…Copy !req
211. Buckley's not getting any deader, Luanne.Copy !req
212. It's time to move on.Copy !req
213. Yeah.Copy !req
214. Let's go!Copy !req
215. Are you all right?Copy !req
216. It's just that they're playing
Buckley and my song.Copy !req
217. Hey.Copy !req
218. Huh?Copy !req
219. Well, you got to love a product
with this many options and add-ons.Copy !req
220. See, that's where you make your money.Copy !req
221. You take your optional rear bag.Copy !req
222. Now, if I had a Mason dealership,
I guaran-damn-tee youCopy !req
223. if you walked into my showroom,
you'd ride out with that bagCopy !req
224. behind your ass.Copy !req
225. Yeah, you sold me pinstripes
for my Escort.Copy !req
226. No. No, no, no. Let me explain to you.Copy !req
227. I financed your pinstripes
for your Escort.Copy !req
228. Mm.Copy !req
229. So, if I'm hearing you people,Copy !req
230. this mower has surpassed your expectationsCopy !req
231. and quite possibly, your dreams?Copy !req
232. Now, hold on. Boomhauer, Bill and, uh…Copy !req
233. Rusty and me don't like it.Copy !req
234. Ah! Of course, you don't like it.Copy !req
235. Anything I like, you don't like.Copy !req
236. Then when I say I don't like something,Copy !req
237. for example, your mother,
you've got to sayCopy !req
238. how much you like her even more.Copy !req
239. Please keep my mother out of this.Copy !req
240. How about you, Rusty?Copy !req
241. Rusty?Copy !req
242. Rusty?Copy !req
243. Oh, Shackleford.Copy !req
244. Yes, I am pro-mower.Copy !req
245. What?Copy !req
246. I like the ashtray.Copy !req
247. Don't be an idiot, Dale.
That's the gas cap.Copy !req
248. He's an idiot.
He can use it however he wants.Copy !req
249. Thank you, colonel.Copy !req
250. Well, it looks like we're pretty close
to a consensus.Copy !req
251. Now, if we could discuss
the electric seat warmer?Copy !req
252. Why would we need our seat warmed?Copy !req
253. That's what pants are for,
right, Boomhauer?Copy !req
254. I don't know, Hank, man. Ol' maybe…Copy !req
255. Dang ol' get naked
on that dang ol' thing, man.Copy !req
256. Get heat on my… that little ol' vibrate
might feel good, man.Copy !req
257. So… you're in favor of the mower,
Mr. Boomhauer?Copy !req
258. Man, dang ol' listen, man.Copy !req
259. Ah, Boomhauer…Copy !req
260. I'd like to make a point.Copy !req
261. I already made your point, Bill.
We don't like it.Copy !req
262. We like the old model, thank you.Copy !req
263. Is that the point you wanted to make,
Mr. Dauterive?Copy !req
264. Yes.Copy !req
265. No!Copy !req
266. Hank, you have been speaking for me for…Copy !req
267. I don't know how long.Copy !req
268. Years and years.Copy !req
269. Well, that sounds about right.Copy !req
270. Well, starting today…Copy !req
271. William Fontaine de la Tour Dauterive
speaks for himself!Copy !req
272. Atta boy, Bill.Copy !req
273. And what I have to say
will rock your world!Copy !req
274. I like the cup holder.Copy !req
275. Bill, we can order you a cup holder,Copy !req
276. and I'll attach it to your 1500.Copy !req
277. No, no. I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
278. Mason doesn't make parts
for models that are being discontinued.Copy !req
279. Your mower is, uh…Copy !req
280. Oh, what's a nice word for "obsolete"?Copy !req
281. - Collectible?
- Perfect.Copy !req
282. Bill's on fire today!Copy !req
283. Way to go, Bill.Copy !req
284. Your mower's obsolete, Hank.Copy !req
285. When something gets old and tired,
you got to trade up.Copy !req
286. You mean, like you traded-in
mother for Didi?Copy !req
287. I didn't trade your mama in.
A trade-in has some value.Copy !req
288. I scrapped her.Copy !req
289. Listen to all of you.Copy !req
290. You're hypnotized by a slick mowerCopy !req
291. with all sorts of bells and whistles,Copy !req
292. and you're going to fall for it.Copy !req
293. Well, I'm not.Copy !req
294. My mower is reliable, low-maintenanceCopy !req
295. and has held up damn well over the years.Copy !req
296. I've got a good mower,Copy !req
297. and I have got a good mother.Copy !req
298. So, let's see a show of hands.Copy !req
299. All those in favor of the new model…Copy !req
300. Wait. Are we voting for Hank's mom
or the mower?Copy !req
301. - The mower.
- Oh!Copy !req
302. Gentlemen, you've made it clear
that this new mowerCopy !req
303. is what today's consumer wants.Copy !req
304. When do we get our 50 dollars?Copy !req
305. We haven't earned it yet.Copy !req
306. This invitation specifically states
that we are to discussCopy !req
307. this new lawnmower for three hours,
from 9:00 a.m. to noon.Copy !req
308. We still have an hour and a half.Copy !req
309. Oh, man.Copy !req
310. Give us a break, Hank.Copy !req
311. When you little redneck boy,
you couldn't defend your mother.Copy !req
312. Now you compensate
by defending your mower.Copy !req
313. You confuse personal issues
with technological.Copy !req
314. I have father issues, too,
but this is a good mower.Copy !req
315. - Yeah.
- Mm-hm.Copy !req
316. No, it's not.Copy !req
317. And you know what? I'm willing to put
my money where my mouth is.Copy !req
318. I'll put up my 50 dollars,
less my expensesCopy !req
319. if you still like the new mower
after I've had my say.Copy !req
320. That works out
to over seven dollars apiece.Copy !req
321. Put on your tap shoes, Shirley.Copy !req
322. Wait till dad sees this!Copy !req
323. I'm sorry about all those things
Cotton said about you.Copy !req
324. It doesn't mean anything.Copy !req
325. He just doesn't like you.Copy !req
326. I wouldn't mind Cotton's rantings
if Hank would just stick up for me.Copy !req
327. Well, if it makes you feel any better,
Hank doesn't stick up for me, either,Copy !req
328. his own stepmother.Copy !req
329. Now, you folks think that just because
this mower is new, it's improved,Copy !req
330. so we should just get rid
of the old one, right?Copy !req
331. About the size of it there.Copy !req
332. Hold on for a second.Copy !req
333. A lot of great things in life are old,Copy !req
334. like old glory, old faithful,
old testament.Copy !req
335. Thou shalt not kill.Copy !req
336. Just because a baptism
turns into a little drowning,Copy !req
337. everybody's got to blame somebody.Copy !req
338. Reverend, that's an awful thing.Copy !req
339. Can I… Can I ask you a question?Copy !req
340. What kind of car do you drive?Copy !req
341. Mitsubishi Diamante.Copy !req
342. Hank, if you're just about through here,Copy !req
343. I'd like to take the good reverend
over to the lot,Copy !req
344. put him behind the wheel
of a brand-new, pre-owned… Sonata.Copy !req
345. I'm not through here yet, Lane.Copy !req
346. Let me ask you this.Copy !req
347. You'd buy this mower, right,Copy !req
348. with all the bell and whistles?Copy !req
349. Well, hell, yeah.Copy !req
350. So you'd be the one paying
all that dealer markup, right?Copy !req
351. You'd be just like me.Copy !req
352. Ho, ho, hey, now, Hondo.Copy !req
353. Just a second here.
Those gotdang Mason sons of bitches.Copy !req
354. I'm changing my vote.Copy !req
355. All right, then.
We're making some progress here.Copy !req
356. Now, Boomhauer,Copy !req
357. you like that fancy electronic
seat warmer, don't you?Copy !req
358. - Yo.
- It sounds like a good thing,Copy !req
359. I'll give you that, but Boomhauer,
when you ride your mowerCopy !req
360. where do you keep your beer?Copy !req
361. Man! Plant that dang ol' beer
right between the legs, man.Copy !req
362. Between his legs.Copy !req
363. In other words,
this electronic seat warmerCopy !req
364. is heating up more than just
Boomhauer's can.Copy !req
365. It's also heating up his can of beer.Copy !req
366. Oh, man! I don't want warm beer
like that dang ol' Euro trash, man.Copy !req
367. Drinking that old, warm crap.Copy !req
368. All right, Boomhauer's on board.Copy !req
369. That makes three of us.Copy !req
370. You'll never sway me.Copy !req
371. I am unswayable.Copy !req
372. I'd be a little more impressed
with you, Dale,Copy !req
373. if you didn't have chocolate chip crumbs
all over your eyebrows.Copy !req
374. No way.Copy !req
375. See for yourself.Copy !req
376. Hey, you're right.Copy !req
377. Who are those people?Copy !req
378. Oh, those are just peopleCopy !req
379. sent here to monitor your thoughts
and opinions. To learn how you think.Copy !req
380. You know, get inside your head.Copy !req
381. That's four.Copy !req
382. All right. I… I think I've got enough
positive and negative commentsCopy !req
383. to put together a very positive report.Copy !req
384. Not so fast. I've still got 30 minutes.Copy !req
385. And Taiwan won't be far behind.Copy !req
386. And secondCopy !req
387. That's it. This is a zero-turning radius
mower, is it not?Copy !req
388. It has a rear-bag option,Copy !req
389. and it's made of ultralight,
space-age materials.Copy !req
390. Now, taken alone
each of those things might be goodCopy !req
391. but combined,
they're a prescription for terror.Copy !req
392. I don't see or like where this is going.Copy !req
393. - Reverend Hubert…
- I didn't drown that boy!Copy !req
394. Would you do me the honor
of getting on the mower?Copy !req
395. Now, drive to the wallCopy !req
396. and execute a 180-degree turn.Copy !req
397. Now engage the zero-turning radius.Copy !req
398. What? Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
399. That could happen me.Copy !req
400. I hate this mower!Copy !req
401. There's your space-age polymers.Copy !req
402. There's your zero-turning radius.Copy !req
403. There's your… rear-bag option.Copy !req
404. My cup holder!Copy !req
405. Oh, now I know why you're always
speaking for me, Hank,Copy !req
406. 'cause I'm never right and you always are.Copy !req
407. You know, Bill, if I'm always speaking
for you and I'm always right,Copy !req
408. that means you're always right,
too, doesn't it?Copy !req
409. Well, uh…Copy !req
410. It does.Copy !req
411. It… It does.Copy !req
412. It does!Copy !req
413. How do you like that?Copy !req
414. I'm always right.Copy !req
415. That's everybody but one.Copy !req
416. Preacher, if y'all are still
in the baptizing business,Copy !req
417. I'd like you to drown my boy, Hank.Copy !req
418. They said the ladies room
was the second door on the rightCopy !req
419. so this must be it.Copy !req
420. I'll tell you who getting my vote.Copy !req
421. The guy who figures out a way
to strap an old womanCopy !req
422. on an old mower
and run them both off a cliff.Copy !req
423. Oh, he's doing it again,Copy !req
424. and in public.Copy !req
425. Don't get me wrong, Mr. Kahn.Copy !req
426. I like a woman with a big butt.Copy !req
427. But Tilly was taking advantage
of the situation.Copy !req
428. All right, I've had enough, Dad.Copy !req
429. Don't you talk to me like that, boy.Copy !req
430. - I'll tell you when you've had enough.
- No, Dad.Copy !req
431. My mower is not too old,
and my mom was not too old.Copy !req
432. But this isn't about my mom,
and it's certainly not about my mower.Copy !req
433. It's about a bitter old manCopy !req
434. who blames everybody but himself
for all his own problems.Copy !req
435. And if you ever talk about my momCopy !req
436. or my mower like that again,
you're not welcome in my house.Copy !req
437. Amen.Copy !req
438. You got a fat neck, boy!Copy !req
439. Well, I'm not sure if there is a God,Copy !req
440. or a heaven,Copy !req
441. but one thing I can tell you
is your daddy's going to hell.Copy !req
442. Hello, son.Copy !req
443. How was the focus group?Copy !req
444. Ah, not so great.Copy !req
445. And now I've got to do all my shopping.Copy !req
446. Have you thought about
what you want for Christmas, Mom?Copy !req
447. I don't need anything
from you, Hank.Copy !req
448. You've given me enough already.Copy !req
449. Well, I guess Peggy
got a ride home with Cotton.Copy !req
450. Huh, I'll be dipped.Copy !req
451. - Pump jockey!
- I am not a pump jockey.Copy !req
452. Works for tips!Copy !req