King of the Hill 3x7

Directed by Shaun Cashman

Beth Grant as Tilly Hill (voice) • David Herman as Jonathan (voice) • Billy Bob Thornton as Boyce Hubert (voice) • Dwight Yoakam as Lane Pratley (voice)

After a Thanksgiving dinner where Cotton constantly insults Hank's mother, Hank, his neighbors, and his father attend a lawn mower focus group. The company announces that it is retiring its old model and introducing a new, "yuppified" version. Hank is the only one on the group who defends the old mower -- but is he trying to defend the mower, or his mother?

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Good old mason 1500.

2. Handles like the day I bought her.

3. I tell you what,

4. this is the only mower I'd want with me

5. if I were ever stranded on a desert island.

6. You are gonna kill

7. at that lawn mower focus group tomorrow, hank.

8. Now, dale, a focus group is not a competition.

9. It's a chance for the informed lawn mower consumer

10. to give valuable input to the mason corporation

11. in a comfortable mall setting.

12. Well, I think it's just an honor to be invited.

13. You know, I'll tell you why we've gotta go tomorrow.

14. Look at your average pickup truck.

15. With air bags and vanity mirrors,

16. it's one focus group away from turning into a powder room.

17. We can't let that happen to the mason 1500.

18. We sure can't, can we?

19. bill, the only reason

20. I invited dale and boomhauer and not you

21. is 'cause you're coming over for thanksgiving dinner,

22. and I didn't want you to get sick of me.

23. oh, hank, I will never be sick of you.

24. Not even when we're sharing a cloud in heaven.

25. all right, you can come.

26. But when I make a point, just nod.

27. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

28. hank, you asked me to tell you

29. when celine dion is off the field. She's off.

30. thanks, mom.

31. aren't moms great?

32. yeah, they are. Uh-huh

33. I tell you what I'm thankful for

34. that it's my mom's turn to spend thanksgiving with us.

35. She eats the dark meat and doesn't complain.

36. Boy, I tell you, she..

37. What the...

38. You lawn jockeys were standing here

39. when I left 2 months ago. Pathetic!

40. Dad, you came last thanksgiving.

41. This year it's mom's turn, remember?

42. Well, I don't want to cause any fuss.

43. Your mother can eat in the yard!

44. Now, in addition to all the things

45. we normally don't talk about in front of my dad,

46. let me add my mason compan y focus group.

47. How could you be worried about this focus group?

48. Your father is gonna ruin this thanksgiving

49. as surely as squanto and his band of indians ruined the first one.

50. oh, will you look at the time.

51. We've got to get this dinner on the table

52. because we are getting up at 4:00 tomorrow morning.

53. huh?

54. It is a 2-hour drive to the mall,

55. and I want us there right when the doors open.

56. I have never gotten up that early in my life

57. unless fish were involved.

58. Hank, the day after thanksgiving is, in my opinion,

59. the biggest shopping day of the year.

60. And I will not spend another year giving dallas mavericks crap

61. because the cowboys stuff was all sold out.

62. So I want us in bed by 7:30.

63. I won't be able to fall asleep that early.

64. You are not even trying.

65. Have another beer.

66. Oh, well, it's worth a shot.

67. dear lord, we are grateful that cotton has forgotten

68. our carefully worked-out holiday parent-rotation schedule,

69. so that we may all be together on this day. Amen.

70. (all) amen.

71. tilly, did you make this stuffing?

72. 'cause it tastes like garbage!

73. Uh, dad.

74. Did I ever tell you about the time

75. she tried to poison me with her baked chicken?

76. Oh, it was chicken almondine.

77. It was cyanide, woman!

78. Uh, dad, could you please

79. show mom some respect while bobby's in the room?

80. You heard him, bobby. Leave the room.

81. no, sit down, bobby.

82. Could you at least respect grandmom

83. until we get to dessert?

84. Didi's your grandmom, too, bobby.

85. Your pretty grandmom.dad.

86. 'course, bad as tilly was in the kitchen,

87. she was even worse in the bedroom!

88. I said, the woman was lousy in the sack.

89. to the stuffing.

90. Might taste like garbage, but it sure fills you up.

91. Come on, peggy. Turn off your itty-bitty headlamp,

92. and let's get some sleep.

93. This is 6 malls over texas, hank.

94. If you go unprepared, it will eat you alive.

95. goodnight, peggy.

96. That was a lovely dinner.

97. Goodnight, son.

98. hmm.

99. Well, mom seemed to enjoy herself tonight.

100. You defended troy aikman more than you defended your mother.

101. Mom knows how it is with dad.

102. And there were 6 dropped passes.

103. All troy can do is get it there.

104. ok, everyone, follow my beam.

105. Hurry carefully.

106. good morning.

107. I hopes we wasn't too loud last night.

108. Just so you know, you kids are on your own today.

109. I'm taking bobby ice-skating at the mall.

110. We're gonna go meet guys.

111. I'm the bait.

112. What? Guys love single moms.

113. I forgot how much old ladies stink.

114. Good god, you've got a fat neck, hank!

115. So, dad, I thought we'd split up at the mall.

116. Oh, are you gonna talk the whole way?

117. I'm gonna head down to the corn dog shack

118. and watch the girlies make lemonade.

119. goodbye, peggy

120. no time.

121. Oh, fire truck!

122. Hi, how long would it take

123. to glue a rubber sole back on a lady's loafer?

124. 5 minutes.

125. Lady's loafer? That's a men's loafer.

126. It is a uni-loafer.

127. Uh, have it your way.

128. This is gonna take a while.

129. hmm.

130. hey, here come leftover turkeys.

131. oh, hell, you're here?

132. I am everywhere you want to be, hank hill.

133. I'm jonathan burrows, your moderator.

134. My research associates and I at research associates

135. have only one client: the american consumer.

136. Yes, we're being paid by the mason corporation.

137. But we are paid to be independent.

138. I'll do all the talkin'.

139. all right. What's the matter?

140. We may or may not have run into your dad in the men's room,

141. and we may or may not have told him

142. that we were being paid $50 to participate in a focus group.

143. Mostly, may.

144. dad, that was a close one.

145. now what you're gonna want to do

146. is turn around, head out the door,

147. and well, once you're out the door

148. there really is no wrong turn.

149. Out of my way.

150. damn.

151. Why don't we start by introducing ourselves?

152. Kahn souphanousinphone

153. I am system analyst.

154. So that's what you do.

155. What kind of systems?

156. Oh, why bother explain?

157. you're already in over your head.

158. You, sir.

159. Uh, lane pretly.I own pretly ford, pretly hyundai,

160. and I got my eye on pretly cadillac.

161. My daddy ain't doing so good.

162. Hey, you sold me an escort once.

163. boyce hubert, minister,

164. although I've lost my faith.

165. 'course, I did find a pretty great parking space on my way in.

166. But the lord works in such mysterious ways,

167. who the hell knows?

168. Uh, my name's hank hill and I—

169. He runs a gas station. Next.

170. I'm cotton hill. I killed 50 men.

171. Is that a real computer?

172. yes.

173. Oh, in that case,

174. my name is rusty shackelford.

175. Shackelford.

176. You can just go ahead and call me boomhauer, man.

177. You know, that dang old last name, you know, meathead.

178. Did a lot of different things.

179. Had a job back there in that company.

180. Settlement, man. Old workers' comp, too, man.

181. It's tax-free, man.

182. Ok. Uh, you, sir.

183. I'm bill dauterive

184. I'm a sergeant barber in the united states army.

185. I'm 5'8.75" tall.

186. My wife, lenore, divorced me

187. in the year of our lord 1991.

188. That's about it.

189. Super. What a fine lot you are.

190. And now I'd like to direct your attention

191. to the best that the mason corporation has to offer.

192. That's my mower, the mason 1500.

193. the mason 2500!

194. Lord have mercy.

195. that's not my mower!

196. They call this progress?

197. They've pushed out all the mower

198. to make room for cruise control, zero turning radius,

199. featherweight space-age polymers,

200. optional rear bag attachment,

201. tommy hilfinger sports package

202. I love this mower so much

203. my—my heart hurts

204. why? Why do you love it so much?

205. Because hank hill will never be able

206. to afford one on his meager salary.

207. My boy's a pump jockey. Works for tips.

208. Dad, I do not work for tips.

209. Pump jockey!

210. Dad, I am not a pump—

211. Works for tips

212. I like the mower. It's got a lot of nice curves,

213. like a purty young woman.

214. Hank's mower's like a dumpy fishwife.

215. what are we waiting for, luanne?

216. um,

217. Maybe it's too soon since...

218. Buckley's not getting any deader, luanne.

219. It's time to move on.

220. Yeah.

221. Let's go!

222. are you all right?

223. it's just that they're playing buckley and my song.

224. hey.

225. huh?

226. come on, betsy.

227. Well, you gotta love a product

228. with this many options and add-ons.

229. See, that's where you make your money.

230. You take your optional rear bag.

231. Now, if I had a mason dealership,

232. I'd guaran-damn-tee you

233. if you walked into my showroom,

234. you'd ride out with that bag behind your ass.

235. Yeah, you sold me pinstripes for my escort.

236. No, no, no. Let me explain it to you.

237. I financed you pinstripes for your escort.

238. So, if I'm hearing you people,

239. this mower has surpassed your expectations

240. and quite possibly , your dreams?

241. Now hold on.

242. Boomhauer, bill, and, uh, rusty and me don't like it.

243. 'course you don't like it. Anything I like, you don't like.

244. Then when I say I don't like somethin',

245. for example your mother,

246. you've gotta say how much you like her even more!

247. Please keep my mother out of this.

248. How about you, rusty?

249. Rusty?

250. Rusty.

251. Oh, shackelford. Yes, I am pro-mower.

252. What?

253. I like the ashtray

254. don't be an idiot, dale. That's the gas cap.

255. He's an idiot. He can use it however he wants.

256. Thank you, colonel.

257. well, it looks like we're pretty close to a consensus.

258. Now if we could discuss the electric seat warmer?

259. Why would we need our seat warmed?

260. That's what pants are for.

261. Right, boomhauer?

262. I don't know, hank, man.

263. Maybe dang old get naked on that dang old thing, man.

264. Heat my little, that little old vibrate might feel good, man.

265. So you're in favor of the mower, Mr. Boomhauer?

266. Man, dang old listen, man.

267. boomhauer—

268. Uh, I'd like to make a point.

269. I already made your point, bill.

270. We don't like it.

271. We liked the old model, thank you.

272. Is that the point you wanted to make, mr. Dauterive?

273. yes.

274. No! Hank, you have been speaking for me for...

275. I don't know how long.

276. Years and years.

277. Well, that sounds about right.

278. Well, starting today,

279. william fontaine delatur dauterive speaks for himself.

280. Attaboy, phil!

281. And what I have to say will rock your world.

282. I like the cup holder.

283. Bill, we can order you a cup holder,

284. and I'll attach it to your 1500.

285. No, I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.

286. Mason doesn't make parts for models that are being discontinued.

287. Your mower is, uh...

288. Oh, what's a nice word for "obsolete"?

289. Collectible?

290. Perfect.

291. Bill's on fire today!

292. way to go, hondo.

293. Way to go, bill.

294. Your mower's obsolete, hank.

295. When something gets old and tired, you gotta trade up.

296. You mean like you traded in mother for didi?

297. I didn't trade your mama in.

298. A trade-in has some value.

299. I scrapped her.

300. Listen to all of you.

301. You're hypnotized by a slick mower

302. with all sorts of bells and whistles.

303. And you're gonna fall for it.

304. Well, I'm not.

305. My mower is reliable, low-maintenance,

306. and has held up damn well over the years.

307. I've got a good mower.

308. And I have got a good mother.

309. Well, so let's see a show of hands.

310. All those in favor of the new model?

311. Wait. Are we voting for hank's mom or the mower?

312. The mower. oh!

313. Gentlemen, you've made it clear

314. that this new mower is what today's consumer wants.

315. When do we get our $50?

316. We haven't earned it yet.

317. This invitation specifically states

318. that we are to discuss this new lawn mower

319. for 3 hours, from 9:00 to noon.

320. We still have an hour-and-a-half.

321. give us a break, hank.

322. When you little redneck boy,

323. you couldn't defend your mother.

324. Now you compensate by defending your mower.

325. You confuse personal issue s with technological.

326. I have father issues, too, but this is a good mower!

327. no, it's not. And you know what?

328. I'm willing to put my mone y where my mouth is.

329. I'll put up my $50, less my expenses

330. if you still like the new mower

331. after I've had my say.

332. That works out to over $7 apiece.

333. Put on your tap shoes, shirley.

334. wait till dad sees this!

335. I'm sorry about all those things

336. cotton said about you. It doesn't mean anything.

337. He just doesn't like you.

338. Oh, I wouldn't min d cotton's rantings

339. if hank would just stick up for me.

340. Well, if it makes you feel any better,

341. hank doesn't stick up for me either,

342. his own stepmother.

343. k Now you folks thin

344. that just because this mower is new, it's improved.

345. So we should just get rid of the old one, right?

346. That's about the size of it there.

347. well, hold on for a second.

348. A lot of great things in life are old.

349. Like old glory, old faithful, old testament.

350. "thou shalt not kill."

351. Just because a baptism turns into a little drowning.

352. Everybody's gotta blame somebody.

353. Reverend, that's an awful thing.

354. Can I— Can I ask you a question?

355. What kind of car do you drive?

356. Mitsubishi diamante.

357. Hank, if you're just about through here,

358. I'd like to take the good reverend over to the lot,

359. put him behind the wheel of a brand-new pre-owned sonata.

360. I'm not through here yet, lane.

361. Let me ask you this:

362. you'd buy this mower, right,

363. with all the bells and whistles?

364. Well, hell, yeah.

365. So you'd be the one payin' all that dealer mark-up, right?

366. You'd be just like me.

367. Whoa-ho! Hey now, hondo. Just a second here.

368. Those god-dang mason sons of bitches.

369. I'm changin' my vote.

370. All right, then. We're making some progress here.

371. Now, boomhauer, you like that fancy electronic seat warmer,

372. don't you? yo.

373. It sounds like a good thing, I'll give you that.

374. But when you ride your mower, where do you keep your beer?

375. man,I plant that dang old beer right between the legs, man.

376. Between his legs.

377. In other words, this electronic seat warmer

378. is heating up more than just boomhauer's can.

379. It's also heating up his can of beer.

380. Man, I don't want warm beer

381. like that dang old euro trash, man,

382. drinking that old warm crap.

383. All right, boomhauer's on board.

384. That makes 3 of us

385. you'll never sway me.

386. I am unswayable.

387. I'd be a little more impressed with you, dale

388. if you didn't have chocolate chip crumbs all over your eyebrows

389. no way.

390. See for yourself.

391. Hey, you're right.

392. who—who— Who are those people?

393. Oh, those are just people sent here to monitor your thoughts and opinions

394. to learn how you think

395. you know, get inside your head.

396. that's 4.

397. all right. I—I think I've got enough

398. positive and negative comments

399. to put together a very positive report.

400. Not so fast.

401. I've still got 30 minutes.

402. and taiwan won't be far behind.

403. and 2nd—

404. Rock the casbah, rock the casbah?

405. Shareef don't like it?

406. that's it.

407. This is a zero-turning-radius mower, is it not?

408. It has a rear bag option,

409. and it's made of ultra-light space-age materials.

410. Now, taken alone, each of those things might be good.

411. But combined, they're a prescription for terror.

412. I don't see or like where this is going.

413. Reverend hubert—

414. I didn't drown that boy.

415. Would you do me the honor of getting on the mower?

416. Now drive to the wall

417. and execute a 180-degree turn.

418. Now engage the zero turning radius.

419. that could have been me. I hate this mower!

420. there's your space-age polymers.

421. There's your zero turning radius.

422. There's your rear bag option.

423. My cup holder!

424. Oh, now I know

425. why you're always speaking for me, hank.

426. 'cause I'm never right and you always are.

427. You know, bill, if I'm always speaking for you,

428. and I'm always right,

429. that means you're always right, too, doesn't it?

430. Well, uh...

431. it does.

432. I-it does. It does!

433. How do you like that? I'm always right!

434. That's everybody but one.

435. Preacher, if you're still in the baptizing business,

436. I'd like you to drown my boy hank.

437. They said the ladies' room was the 2nd door on the right,

438. so this must be it.

439. I'll tell you who gets my vote.

440. The guy who figures out a way

441. to strap an old woman on an old mower

442. and run 'em both off a cliff.

443. Oh, he's doing it again, and in public.

444. Don't get me wrong, mr. Kahn.

445. I like a woman with a big butt.

446. But tilly was taking advantage of the situation.

447. All right,I've had enough, dad.

448. Don't you talk to me like that, boy.

449. I'll tell you when you've had enough

450. no, dad. My mower is not too old,

451. and my mom was not too old.

452. But this isn't about my mom,

453. and it's certainly not about my mower.

454. It's about a bitter old man

455. who blames everybody but himself

456. for all his own problems.

457. And if you ever talk about my mom

458. or my mower like that again,

459. you're not welcome in my house.

460. Amen.

461. you've got a fat neck, boy.

462. Well, I'm not sure if there is a god

463. or a heaven,

464. but one thing I can tell you

465. is your daddy's going to hell.

466. Hello, son. How was the focus group?

467. Oh, not so great.

468. And now I've gotta do all my shopping

469. have you thought about what you want for christmas, mom

470. I don't need anything from you, hank.

471. You've given me enough already

472. I guess peggy got a ride home with cotton.

473. Humph. I'll be dipped!

474. pump jockey!

475. I am not—

476. Works for tips.