King of the Hill 3x5

Iqbal Theba as Dr. Bhudamanjur (voice) • David Herman as Father (voice) • Jonathan Joss as John Redcorn (voice)

Hank tries several different methods to improve his sperm count so he can get Peggy pregnant. The frustration of not being able to have another child becomes worse when Cotton shows up and announces that he got his wife pregnant. But Cotton becomes so nervous at the prospect of having a baby at his age that he flees to Las Vegas, and Hank, Bill and Dale go after him.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. That's a cute baby, I tell you what.

2. We're trying to have a baby ourselves.

3. He doesn't want anyone to know

4. so I'm only telling complete strangers.

5. I might be able to help you out there. May I?

6. Oh, it's okay.

7. He is the assistant manager of Strickland Propane.

8. Ah…

9. There you go, little fella

10. for that new-car smell.

11. Fill cup to line.

12. Okay.

13. Negative.

14. That's 12 in a row, Hank.

15. I think it's time we see a fertility specialist.

16. Oh, he's just going to poke and prod my naked nethers.

17. No, thank you.

18. Even if I do get Hank to see the doctor,

19. he refuses to take his pants off.

20. Oh, you don't take your clothes off at the doctor's anymore, sug.

21. Anything they need to see they do it with a new machine called an MRI.

22. Hmm, are you sure they can use it to look at Hank?

23. They use it for everything.

24. Heck, it's the same technology we use down at the station

25. to predict the weather.

26. I thought you used the doppler radar.

27. Oh, sug…

28. It's the same thing.

29. It's called an MRI machine.

30. You get to keep your pants on.

31. Dang it, Peggy.

32. How could you tell Nancy we were trying to get pregnant?

33. We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone, including family.

34. I mean, Nancy's going to tell Dale, and…

35. Hank, I have been sitting on these eggs for 40 years.

36. They are ready to hatch.

37. We were hoping that the advances in medicine

38. might help us to overcome the difficulties caused by Hank's

39. narrow urethra.

40. And that these advances would mean, uh,

41. you not… looking… down there.

42. That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill,

43. but I do have to measure your sperm count.

44. That means we'll need a sample.

45. Uh-huh. Huh.

46. Now, is that something you do with a local anesthetic

47. or will you have to put me under?

48. Oh, no.

49. Ms. Hill, perhaps you could explain to your husband.

50. Oh.

51. Oh… uh, busy.

52. Occupied! Occupied!

53. It's Dr. Bhudamanjur, Mr. Hill.

54. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable trying this at home?

55. No.

56. Would you like a magazine?

57. Okay. Do you have Popular Mechanics?

58. Ms. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?

59. Well, Mr. Hill, I've got the results of your sperm count back from the lab.

60. Come on.

61. Big number. Think big number.

62. Uh, the sample you produced shows a count of eight million.

63. Well…

64. You hear that, Peggy?

65. Eight million.

66. Must have taken them a long time to count it.

67. Of course the average man has a count of 100 million.

68. Now, Hank,

69. honey, just because you scored eight million on your sperm test

70. does not mean you did not give a hundred and ten million percent.

71. I give you an "A" for effort.

72. Mr. Hill,

73. research shows that heat lowers fertility.

74. One way to increase the number of healthy sperm

75. is to lower the temperature.

76. In the house?

77. In your pants.

78. Uh… yep.

79. Yep.

80. Mm…

81. Yep.

82. Oh, all right, Hank, maybe nobody else is going to say anything,

83. but if we were supposed to wear shorts today,

84. I would've appreciated the courtesy of a phone call.

85. Yeah, my…

86. I, too, am hurt.

87. All right. I didn't mean to upset you.

88. I just found out that my, uh

89. my jeans are in the wash.

90. Now, who's ready?

91. You know, I'm feeling kind of overheated myself.

92. Scoot over, would you, Hank?

93. Just so you know, I'm willing to drink beer you sat on.

94. I'm just not willing to reach for it.

95. What you doing sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank?

96. You got the prickly heats?

97. No, sir. Just drying the ink on all the sales orders I wrote this morning.

98. Just trying to be polite, son.

99. I saw the insurance forms from your weenie doctor.

100. Uh, those forms were supposed to be confidential.

101. And employees are supposed to wear pants,

102. but I won't tell if you don't.

103. Thanks for the tune-up, Earl.

104. So how you fixed for propane?

105. Oh, I'm good.

106. Say, I wanted to ask you, Hank.

107. Uh, let's see, how should I put this?

108. You ever heard the song "Peaches"?

109. Well, let's see, I might be able to fake my way through it. Uh

110. Uh, no. That's not the reason I asked.

111. I was thinking about a way to get your count up.

112. Oh, god, was Buck Strickland in here?

113. No, but the gal who cuts his hair was.

114. Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be nine million,

115. almost as low as yours.

116. But the thing that worked for me was peaches.

117. Uh, I don't know. I…

118. Soak yourself in peaches three times a day, Hank.

119. - Well… - Peaches.

120. Well? What'd the test say?

121. We won't know for another 20 seconds,

122. but no matter what the result,

123. I don't blame you.

124. Sperm counts are dropping all over the world

125. and I don't blame you for that either.

126. Hank, we've both worked very hard

127. and I can feel we're getting closer, honey.

128. It is within our grasp.

129. That's 20 seconds.

130. Negative.

131. Dad, what are you doing here?

132. You didn't talk to Buck Strickland's hairstylist, too, did ya?

133. Nah, not in two years.

134. Thought I'd drop by for a surprise visit.

135. Hey, Hank's wife.

136. Cotton.

137. Didi woman, hurry up with my bags.

138. She ain't fat.

139. I got her knocked up.

140. You know… yeah…

141. We were using four layers of protection and my men still got through.

142. Please, dad, there's a child present.

143. Oh, she's my wife, Hank.

144. She was there when it happened.

145. Ain't that right, babycakes?

146. Um… if you say so, Cotton.

147. Well, oh, my.

148. This is, um, such exciting news.

149. I am very… excited.

150. Now… you know, at your age, Cotton,

151. having a child will be such a blessing.

152. If it's a boy.

153. Well, dad, I think what Peggy's saying is that it's not very often

154. that a man of 75 fathers a child.

155. I mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be…

156. I'll be dead. Pass the beans.

157. My sources tell me that Hank's the problem.

158. It's very hush-hush.

159. Even his own daddy don't know.

160. Yo, man. Don't even know what… hear it from me, man.

161. I mean those dang ol' reliable source, man,

162. Dr. Rajav Bhudamanjur, man.

163. He talk 'bout them dang ol' chilly willy, man.

164. Good God!

165. Have you gotten fatter, fatty?

166. Sir, yes, sir.

167. Colonel, let me be the first to congratulate you

168. on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.

169. Bingo!

170. Just think, Hank.

171. If your doctor helps you and Peggy get pregnant,

172. your baby and Cotton's baby can play together.

173. Damn it, Bill.

174. So, dad, uh, you must be pretty happy about them executing

175. that woman in Huntsville.

176. Hank, has you been having trouble baby-making?

177. No.

178. Is it 'cause of that skinny pipe in your thingy?

179. We're not havin' any trouble.

180. These things take time.

181. I ain't got a narrow ur-eetee.

182. He gets that from his mother.

183. Ha! Mine's so damn wide I could pass the child myself, if I had to.

184. Peggy, this is very nice of you, but I just feel awkward

185. letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.

186. Oh, no, no, no. We want to.

187. It's our gift to you

188. because we're so happy for you.

189. Yeah, I think you've mentioned that, Peggy.

190. Mrs. Peggy Hill, nice to see you again.

191. Still just looking?

192. Yes. I mean…

193. No. I mean…

194. Actually, we are here today to buy a crib.

195. Oh, my Lord! Congratulations!

196. I knew you could do it, mister.

197. Oh, and you're already showing.

198. What?

199. Gather around, expectant fathers.

200. Our free diaper-changing seminar is now beginning.

201. Uh, Didi woman, I need a drink.

202. I didn't plan for this.

203. You think I planned for this?

204. Well, you know how it is.

205. You dim the lights put a little Andrews Sisters on the phonograph…

206. You likes the Andrews Sisters, Bobby?

207. Likes 'em? I loves 'em.

208. Ha! Next thing you know,

209. your grandmammy's got a biscuit in her oven.

210. I'm too old to be having babies.

211. We both are, mister.

212. Your daddy's the right age to be having babies.

213. Poor Hank and Hank's wife.

214. They want another baby real bad.

215. Uh, they do?

216. Yeah, they flew a doctor in from Calcutta.

217. Maybe he'll find a way to get you a baby brother.

218. A brother?

219. Baby brother…

220. Mom and dad are going to have another kid.

221. I guess they want to get it right this time.

222. Dad are you busy?

223. Uh, no, son.

224. Just, uh, checking the percentage of man-made fibers

225. in these, uh, fuel filters.

226. Yup, it's, uh, 30 percent.

227. That's very interesting.

228. You know, I'm very interested in things like that.

229. Okay, then, it's settled.

230. You and mom won't have another baby.

231. How'd you find out about that?

232. Grandpa told me at the bar.

233. It's not fair.

234. If I knew this could happen,

235. I'd have worked harder over the years.

236. You know, exercised, cut back on the fruit pies,

237. gotten a few Bs to raise my average.

238. Oh, this isn't because you're not good enough.

239. You're great.

240. And two of you will be twice as great.

241. The only reason I look so good

242. is 'cause there's no competition.

243. You have another kid

244. and I'll look like a failure.

245. Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one

246. who should be worried about looking like a failure.

247. You're not in competition with anybody.

248. Hank, Hank, Hank.

249. Cotton's missing. He's run away.

250. What? Are you sure?

251. Oh, yes. He had me load his bags into the Cadillac car.

252. Peggy, my dad got out.

253. We got to go find him.

254. Ooh, dad… "Miss Arlen Hostess Swimsuit Competition."

255. Maybe grandpa's in there.

256. Good thinking, son.

257. Bobby, check the parking lot for your grandpa's Cadillac.

258. Okay.

259. Ah, look at him, Peggy.

260. Look at him run.

261. Makes you realize what a blessing he is.

262. He is our miracle child.

263. Exactly.

264. And it'd be awfully greedy of us to expect a second miracle.

265. So you can see the only sensible thing to do

266. is to stop trying to get pregnant.

267. What? Hank, I know you are frustrated

268. and I know you look dopey in short pants,

269. but we've both worked too hard to give up now.

270. We? What have you done?

271. I've been sitting in an igloo.

272. You think I like to see that out my kitchen window?

273. Well, if you want to keep trying you can keep trying by yourself.

274. Luanne, what'd they say at the police station?

275. Okay, Grandpa Hill is not a missing person

276. until he's gone for 48 hours.

277. But this really nice policeman gave me his home phone number

278. and, well…

279. I'm probably not going to be able to help you look anymore tonight.

280. Oh… any calls, Didi?

281. Just one, but I let the machine get it

282. because I didn't want to tie up the line.

283. Yeah, it's me.

284. I hope you all ain't out looking for me 'cause if you are,

285. you ain't going to find me and I ain't coming back.

286. Hank, I need you to raise Didi's baby,

287. and Didi.

288. Aw, dang it.

289. He could be anywhere from Arlen to who knows where.

290. Dad, dad

291. we can use Star 69

292. and find out where he called from.

293. - Yeah? - Uh, hello?

294. - Who is this, please? - Who's this?

295. - This is Hank Hill. - Yeah.

296. Uh, where am I calling?

297. Yeah, I'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo.

298. Sierra? Is that Dallas?

299. It's Vegas, Hank.

300. Well, that just tears it.

301. He's in Las Vegas.

302. Pretty smart of me, huh, mom?

303. I doubt some little baby would know how to dial Star 69.

304. All right, if I drive all night, I can get to Vegas by the morning.

305. I'll call you when I've found a motel.

306. You bring him back, Hank.

307. That little ferret thinks he can have it all,

308. a child and a Vegas trip.

309. Well, I didn't get either this year.

310. Bobby, I'm going to need you to be the man of the house while I'm gone.

311. Sure, dad, I'll be the man of the house.

312. While still fulfilling my duties as the child of the house.

313. Hank, my stepson…

314. Cotton is small and sneaky.

315. How will you ever find him?

316. I'll tell you how he'll ever find him.

317. With the finest mail-order surveillance equipment

318. the Libyans have to offer.

319. Not now, Dale.

320. Couldn't hear you, Hank. But if you were asking

321. if I am a licensed professional bounty hunter,

322. I think this hat speaks for itself.

323. Well, all right.

324. I guess I could use some help driving.

325. Maybe we could put that thing to some use

326. and sing karaoke to stay awake.

327. D Goin' to the country Gonna eat a lot of peaches d.

328. Are we there yet?

329. All right. Now, if we're going to find him

330. we need to think like my dad would think.

331. Eight topless bars and no Cotton.

332. Of course, you'd be a lot more help if you'd open your eyes, Hank.

333. Hank, I'm in love!

334. That was the finest deep-dish pizza I ever tasted.

335. The Andrews Sisters?

336. I didn't know they were still alive.

337. They're my dad's favorite.

338. Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night!

339. 'Scuse me, ladies.

340. That was just wonderful.

341. My dad has all your records, and I wonder

342. coincidentally,

343. if he might have been in here tonight.

344. Mm-hmm. He was here.

345. That little firecracker grabbed my rear.

346. Well, he does like the ladies.

347. Right. So when he figured out I wasn't really a sister,

348. he started breaking plates.

349. They threw him out.

350. 'Scuse me, folks.

351. Have any of you seen an older man about yay high,

352. possibly shouting obscenities?

353. Welcome to my world, pal.

354. Don't stand too close to the machines, Hank.

355. The electromagnetic fields could de-fertilize you.

356. That's nonsense, Dale.

357. And anyway, Peggy and I have decided to stop trying for another baby.

358. Not that it's any of your business.

359. Oh, geez, Hank. You shouldn't give up.

360. I mean, if your dad can have a baby…

361. This has got nothing to do with my dad.

362. You know what? I'm tired. I want to be alone.

363. Why don't you guys go check the poker tables?

364. Mm.

365. Thank you. Thank you very much.

366. What'll you have?

367. Beer.

368. - I got hein… - American.

369. Say

370. do you allow children in the casino?

371. No way. No one under 21.

372. Huh.

373. - Hello, dad. - Don't you unstrap me.

374. I ain't going back. You can't make me.

375. I didn't come here to bring you back.

376. I just came to let you know that I'll look in on Didi and the baby

377. and… the new husband.

378. What? Who is it?

379. I forget his name.

380. Terry or Jerry or something like that.

381. I think he's a dancer at Chippendales.

382. Give me his address!

383. I'll gut him!

384. Dad…

385. I just made him up.

386. But you see how worked up you got?

387. You still love Didi. Now come on home.

388. Ah, I was going back anyway.

389. Got to find me Mr. Terry Jerry and gut him up good.

390. So did you get what's-her-name knocked up yet?

391. No… uh…

392. We've… well…

393. I've decided not to have another child,

394. the whole idea has upset Bobby too much.

395. I always knew you was a quitter.

396. Well, you're the one who always flips up the board

397. when you're losing to me at checkers.

398. I never lost to you!

399. And we haven't played checkers in years.

400. I… Oh… I get it.

401. I got Didi pregnant and you can't with Hank's wife,

402. so you're flipping up the board.

403. Yeah, that's right. I'm giving up. You win.

404. You happy?

405. Oh, Hank.

406. You ain't in competition with me!

407. Hell, if it's a contest on who's the better daddy,

408. you win.

409. I mean, you made Bobby.

410. All I made was you.

411. Uh… thanks, dad.

412. But what if I keep trying, and it,

413. and, you know, it doesn't happen?

414. Well, then, you had the fun of trying, boy!

415. Ha! I gots to have that talk with you.

416. Sounds good, dad. Let's go.

417. Well, hold on, Hank.

418. Nobody knows you found me yet.

419. What do you say you and me have some fun tonight in Vegas?

420. Uh… sure. Okay.

421. Eight the hard way.

422. Three. Craps, you lose.

423. What?

424. No. Dad!

425. That was practice! That was practice!

426. Oh… uh, busy. Occupied!