1. Yup, I change my oil every 3,000 miles...Copy !req
2. or when I get bored, whichever comes first.Copy !req
3. I see London, I see France.Copy !req
4. - Told you, Hank. London and France.
- Ladybird, no!Copy !req
5. Get out of my underwear.
I put those on her.Copy !req
6. Ladybird is in heat
and we are out of doggy diapers.Copy !req
7. Peggy, how could you? My old underwear?Copy !req
8. - I don't even wear that anymore.
- She wouldn't have to wear anything...Copy !req
9. if you spayed her,
or hired someone to do it.Copy !req
10. I can't have her spayed.
I'm gonna breed her...Copy !req
11. - one of these days.
- She's almost 13 years old.Copy !req
12. You can't mate a purebred bloodhound
with just any old dog.Copy !req
13. That'd be throwing away
seven generations...Copy !req
14. - of the finest Georgia inbreeding.
- This could be Ladybird's last heat.Copy !req
15. if you don't do something, and fast...Copy !req
16. she is gonna spend the rest of her life
childless and lonely...Copy !req
17. sulking about the house
in soiled underwear.Copy !req
18. Like Bill.Copy !req
19. Get off a shot, and I wing him!Copy !req
20. Dang if he didn't keep going
another mile or two.Copy !req
21. Ain't nothing keeps you sharp
for deer season like hunting humans.Copy !req
22. Excuse me,
I couldn't help reading your lips.Copy !req
23. This hunting humans...Copy !req
24. - Do you need a license?
- This hat's my license.Copy !req
25. Any man who skips out on his bail
can be hunted like an animal...Copy !req
26. although not eaten.Copy !req
27. All you gotta do
is sit through a four-hour training course.Copy !req
28. You're telling me there's a poorly-trained,
quasi-legal police force...Copy !req
29. that operates with few, if any,
government controls?Copy !req
30. It's about time.Copy !req
31. Boy, that's some mighty fine hounds
you got yourself there, Buck.Copy !req
32. That's right. Champions, all of them.
Except for the deaf one.Copy !req
33. Yup, fine hounds.Copy !req
34. Mr. Strickland, there's something
I'd like to ask you.Copy !req
35. Yeah, I'd love to give you a raise,
but the accounting department said:Copy !req
36. "Buck, stop letting the employees
put your lemons in a vice."Copy !req
37. Donna said that?Copy !req
38. My hands are tied.Copy !req
39. Sir, this is about my Ladybird.Copy !req
40. I finally decided to breed her,
and I was hoping one of your studs...Copy !req
41. One of my boys finally gets
to "Howdy, ma'am" the debutante.Copy !req
42. You know my terms.Copy !req
43. $500 the first session,
$400 each additional session...Copy !req
44. and, please, no flash photography.Copy !req
45. Okay, let's all shut up, please.Copy !req
46. We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it.Copy !req
47. TV: We don't have much time,
so let's get right to it,Copy !req
48. In the next four hours,
we'll find out if you've got what it takes,Copy !req
49. to wear this hat,Copy !req
50. Ladybird is gonna be a mommy.Copy !req
51. Seems like just yesterday
Mom and Dad brought her home for me...Copy !req
52. on account of me not having
any brothers and sisters to play with.Copy !req
53. if I'd been old enough to talk,
I would have asked for a monkey.Copy !req
54. But I guess things worked out okay.Copy !req
55. That's them. Ls everything...Copy !req
56. Ladybird Hill, you're beautiful.Copy !req
57. Luanne, take off her underwear.Copy !req
58. I'm honored you could share
Ladybird's special evening with us.Copy !req
59. Yeah. Let's make some hound dog.
I'm late for a bachelor auction.Copy !req
60. Okay, you learned kicking down doors,
you learned mustaches...Copy !req
61. mailman suits and other disguises.Copy !req
62. Did we cover
choke holds and pepper spray?Copy !req
63. - Yes.
- Good. Take your seat.Copy !req
64. Okay, you have 15 minutes
to complete the ethics exam.Copy !req
65. Good luck,
and try to remember what I taught you:Copy !req
66. A, A, B, A, C.Copy !req
67. Congratulations,
Class of Thursday, a.m.Copy !req
68. You may now call yourselves
"Bounty Hunters."Copy !req
69. - Hello, Dr. Downs.
- Hank. Ladybird.Copy !req
70. - This is my wife, Peggy.
- I take care of our son.Copy !req
71. What'll it be? Flea dip?
Tartar scrape? Worm shot?Copy !req
72. Not this week.
I finally let my little girl start dating...Copy !req
73. and I think she's in a family way.Copy !req
74. That's sweet.Copy !req
75. Let me get a glove on and have a look-see.Copy !req
76. This place gives me the déjà vus.Copy !req
77. It's just like
when we were trying to get pregnant.Copy !req
78. Yeah, I remember.Copy !req
79. So, Doctor, is she gonna be a mommy?Copy !req
80. How do I say this
without breaking your hearts?Copy !req
81. No.
Oh, God!Copy !req
82. Damn.Copy !req
83. I have your test results.Copy !req
84. Peggy—Copy !req
85. I knew it, I'll never get pregnant.
What is wrong with me?Copy !req
86. - Peggy, no, this is not your fault.
- He's right, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
87. There's no point in blaming yourself.
It's Hank's fault.Copy !req
88. What?
You have a narrow urethra...Copy !req
89. and years of chronic tension
have only made it worse.Copy !req
90. I really don't think
you'll ever have children.Copy !req
91. But that's impossible.Copy !req
92. The lab reports confirm it.
Although I suspected as much...Copy !req
93. when it took you 30 minutes
to produce a urine sample.Copy !req
94. You want it done it quick,
or you want it done right?Copy !req
95. Hank, please calm down.
Your urethra will disappear.Copy !req
96. isn't there anything we can do?Copy !req
97. For starters, we can transition you
to boxer shorts.Copy !req
98. Or if that's unacceptable...Copy !req
99. I can prescribe
a specific series of sexual techniques.Copy !req
100. A series?
Are you suggesting I break the law?Copy !req
101. Hank, please. He's just trying to help us.Copy !req
102. Now, I saw something on the news...Copy !req
103. about a procedure
called in vitro fertilization.Copy !req
104. They mix your boys
with one of my ladies in a test tube.Copy !req
105. - isn't that wonderful?
- No, it's terrible!Copy !req
106. It's science run amuck.Copy !req
107. Oh, Hank...Copy !req
108. It's perfectly safe, Mr. Hill.
They've tested it on animals.Copy !req
109. - Couldn't we just try it?
- No!Copy !req
110. It's wrong on humans
and it's wrong on animals.Copy !req
111. I'm sorry, Peggy.
I know you're disappointed...Copy !req
112. but that's just how I was raised.Copy !req
113. By my mother and father, not a test tube.Copy !req
114. So, is Ladybird going to be a mommy?Copy !req
115. Sorry, Hank.Copy !req
116. Mr. Strickland better refund our $500.Copy !req
117. I knew that stud was no good.
He wouldn't even look her in the eye.Copy !req
118. It ain't the stud's fault. It's Ladybird's.Copy !req
119. DR. She's got a narrow uterus.
No!Copy !req
120. So, she can't have puppies?Copy !req
121. Stranger things have happened,
but no, she can't.Copy !req
122. Go get it.Copy !req
123. I know it hurts, Ladybird.
I've been there myself.Copy !req
124. I just wish I could scoop up your pain
in a little plastic bag and throw it out.Copy !req
125. Get off her.Copy !req
126. Forget it. Knock yourself out.Copy !req
127. Buddy, no. Down.Copy !req
128. - I'm so sorry.
- It's all right. No harm, no foul.Copy !req
129. See, the thing is,
my Ladybird has a narrow uterus.Copy !req
130. The vet said she will never know
the pleasures of motherhood.Copy !req
131. In fact...
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to burden you.Copy !req
132. Not at all. We were in the same situation
with Buddy's mother.Copy !req
133. Turns out there's all sorts of things
you can do.Copy !req
134. - There are? Like what?
- Diet, hormones.Copy !req
135. - Body work.
- Surgery. There's a whole world out there.Copy !req
136. Wow, I want to know everything.Copy !req
137. Do you and your brother
have time to grab a beer?Copy !req
138. Sure, I know just the place.Copy !req
139. Assault with a deadly weapon
and attempted murder of a police officer.Copy !req
140. He's been on the run about two days.
Me, right here, I'll take it.Copy !req
141. Excuse me. I had my hand up first.Copy !req
142. Why do you keep giving all the cases
to these other guys?Copy !req
143. Because they're experienced
professional bounty hunters.Copy !req
144. You're some deluded bug sprayer
who took a four-hour course...Copy !req
145. learned a few choke holds, and got a hat.Copy !req
146. You are familiar with my credentials,
yet you still refuse...Copy !req
147. to give me a case.Copy !req
148. if it'll shut you up, the fugitive's name
is James "Jimmy" Helstrom...Copy !req
149. a.k.a. Jim Helstrom.
Wanted for unpaid parking tickets.Copy !req
150. The hunt is on.Copy !req
151. - 100.7.
- Wow, it's hot in a dog's head.Copy !req
152. I love the bloopers.
The practical jokes, not so much.Copy !req
153. - What are you doing?
- I'm charting Ladybird's temperature.Copy !req
154. I'm gonna pinpoint
the exact perfect moment for her to mate,Copy !req
155. Give me that!Copy !req
156. Hank, that thermometer's for company,
you know that.Copy !req
157. But I was using it.
I don't see why.Copy !req
158. The doctor said
Ladybird cannot get pregnant.Copy !req
159. I know, but then I met some men,
we went to a bar...Copy !req
160. and before it all went horribly wrong,
they told me a bunch of things...Copy !req
161. I can do to get Ladybird pregnant.Copy !req
162. 100.4. She's ready for a stud.Copy !req
163. Peggy, quick, call Buck Strickland.
I put him on the speed dial.Copy !req
164. Just press "Peggy's Mother."Copy !req
165. Arlen Florist.Copy !req
166. I've got some long-stemmed roses
for Jimmy Helstrom.Copy !req
167. What the "H" are you doing?Copy !req
168. It's called the Tellington Touch.
It's a body-awareness technique.Copy !req
169. All the top fertility experts swear by it.Copy !req
170. My grandmother quilted that blanket.Copy !req
171. Peggy, no! I can't move her for two hours.
She just mated.Copy !req
172. Just give me the freaking blanket.Copy !req
173. Thought you could outsmart me,
did you, J. Helstrom?Copy !req
174. Ladybird!Copy !req
175. - Bobby, come stand with me.
- Okay.Copy !req
176. You know, I just...
I don't like to drink alone.Copy !req
177. So, how's school?Copy !req
178. - Fine.
- That's nice.Copy !req
179. - Friends?
- Yeah.Copy !req
180. Uh...Copy !req
181. I got to give Ladybird her hormone biscuit.Copy !req
182. Let me see that.Copy !req
183. See, Ladybird is gonna be a mommy,
and we're gonna have a puppy again...Copy !req
184. just like when I was 1 year old
and my parents got me Ladybird.Copy !req
185. Boy, that sure is a cute story.Copy !req
186. But you got it all wrong.Copy !req
187. Your parents had that dog
a whole year before you came along.Copy !req
188. - What?
- Yeah.Copy !req
189. As I recall, your mama
was having trouble getting pregnant...Copy !req
190. on account of
your daddy's narrow doohickey.Copy !req
191. And eventually, they just gave up
on ever having a child of their own...Copy !req
192. and they did the next best thing.Copy !req
193. Hank, thank you. She's perfect.Copy !req
194. Yeah.Copy !req
195. Hey, hey!Copy !req
196. They gave up on having a child
of their own...Copy !req
197. but here I am. A child.Copy !req
198. A child doesn't just come out of nowhere.Copy !req
199. Mr. Dauterive, was I adopted?Copy !req
200. I'll tell you, Bobby...Copy !req
201. if you get me some more of these cookies.Copy !req
202. But those are dog hormone biscuits.
And that's the last one.Copy !req
203. And they're from a special store,
and it's 2 miles away.Copy !req
204. Sorry, Bobby, that's the deal.Copy !req
205. Outstanding! We'll take the next flight out.Copy !req
206. No, God bless you, Doctor.
We did it, Peggy.Copy !req
207. Ladybird's been accepted
into an in vitro fertilization program...Copy !req
208. - up at Michigan State.
- In vitro? What are you talking about?Copy !req
209. Test-tube puppies. They're using
this new experimental fertility drug.Copy !req
210. I figure if it's safe enough
for humans in France...Copy !req
211. it's probably safe enough
for dogs in America.Copy !req
212. if you are thinking of flying your dog
to Michigan to get her pregnant...Copy !req
213. - do not bother buying a roundtrip ticket.
- Relax, I don't have to buy anything.Copy !req
214. Can I have your frequent flier number?Copy !req
215. But I need those miles to get
to my great-aunt's funeral next year.Copy !req
216. Fine! Go!Copy !req
217. Just do not expect me to be here
when you get back!Copy !req
218. Mom, can I stay with you for a few...Copy !req
219. I'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.Copy !req
220. Great news, Ladybird. We're going to...
Oh, my God.Copy !req
221. Let's get one thing straight, Ladybird.
You work for me.Copy !req
222. - You're still here.
- Ladybird's gone.Copy !req
223. - What happened?
- I don't know.Copy !req
224. Maybe you left her pen open.
By mistake, of course, and she ran away.Copy !req
225. What? You're blaming me?Copy !req
226. I would have to be
pretty passive-aggressive...Copy !req
227. to do something like that, and spit
in your coffee every day for a week.Copy !req
228. Wait a minute.Copy !req
229. "Receipt from Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter.Copy !req
230. "Borrowed: One dog.Copy !req
231. "Purpose,: Nab fugitive
at 27 Whistler Terrace,Copy !req
232. "Signed,: Dale Gribble, Bounty Hunter, "Copy !req
233. Damn it, Dale,Copy !req
234. Okay, Gribble, this is it.Copy !req
235. Two days and four hours ago,
you were an untrained, untested no-hat,Copy !req
236. Now look at you,Copy !req
237. Freeze! Bounty hunter.Copy !req
238. Freeze! Bounty hunter.Copy !req
239. Freeze!Copy !req
240. What do I want? A left, a right?
I wish Ladybird were here.Copy !req
241. She doesn't need a map.
That is it.Copy !req
242. I am sick of you acting
like you care more about that dog...Copy !req
243. - than you do about me, your human wife!
- What?Copy !req
244. I don't care more about... Oh, no, Ladybird!Copy !req
245. She's gonna dehydrate in there,Copy !req
246. Between this sun
and the incredible airtight construction,Copy !req
247. of an American-made truck,
I'd say she's got about five minutes,Copy !req
248. - I'm going in.
- Are you loco?Copy !req
249. As soon as you step foot out there,
the attack dogs will attack you to shreds.Copy !req
250. I bet if I were stuck in a truck,
you would leave me there.Copy !req
251. - How would you ever get stuck in a truck?
- I don't know.Copy !req
252. The handle could break off.
That's not the point.Copy !req
253. All week I have watched you
jump through hoops...Copy !req
254. trying to get Ladybird pregnant.Copy !req
255. And you never jumped through
any hoops for me.Copy !req
256. - What are you talking about?
- You never put a thermometer in my ear.Copy !req
257. Of course not. Why would l?Copy !req
258. - See? You admit you love her more.
- That's crazy.Copy !req
259. I didn't do all that thermometer stuff
with you...Copy !req
260. 'cause, you know, where's the romance?Copy !req
261. With Ladybird it doesn't matter.
She's only a dog.Copy !req
262. She's not my wife. You're my wife.Copy !req
263. I know, it's just...Copy !req
264. Sometimes a woman needs to hear it.Copy !req
265. Why would you be jealous of Ladybird?Copy !req
266. You don't want to get pregnant, do you?Copy !req
267. I don't know. Maybe.Copy !req
268. I think I'd rather have another baby
right now than another puppy.Copy !req
269. Me, too.Copy !req
270. That's why I've been trying
to get Ladybird pregnant.Copy !req
271. I don't know
what those men in that bar told you...Copy !req
272. - but that is not how you have a baby.
- I know that, but...Copy !req
273. Remember when we first got Ladybird?Copy !req
274. I always kind of believed
that playing with that puppy,Copy !req
275. was the one thing
that finally relaxed me and my ure,Copy !req
276. Well, me, enough for us to have a baby,Copy !req
277. I just thought
if we had another puppy in the house...Copy !req
278. you know...Copy !req
279. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
280. Hang in there, Ladybird. Mama's coming.Copy !req
281. Easy.Copy !req
282. Easy,Copy !req
283. I'm cool, man.Copy !req
284. Easy.Copy !req
285. Easy,Copy !req
286. Be careful, Hank. Nine times out of ten,
they go right for the crotch.Copy !req
287. And I see 10 dogs out there.Copy !req
288. Come on, girl. It's all right.Copy !req
289. Shake hands,Copy !req
290. That's it. Everything's fine.Copy !req
291. Why are your arms shaking,
Mr. Bounty Hunter...Copy !req
292. if that is your real name?Copy !req
293. - Getting tired?
- Yes, very tired.Copy !req
294. - Nice hat.
- Back at you.Copy !req
295. Jump, Ladybird.Copy !req
296. - Good girl.
- Okay, let's get the hell out of here!Copy !req
297. Seat belts, please.Copy !req
298. Here you go, Mr. Dauterive.Copy !req
299. - Only eight?
- Those cost $26.Copy !req
300. Okay, Bobby. Ask your question.Copy !req
301. Mr. Dauterive, am I adopted?Copy !req
302. No.Copy !req
303. Now, I'll tell you your middle name
if you get me a glass of milk.Copy !req
304. Okay.Copy !req
305. More SpaghettiOs?Copy !req
306. That's a cute baby, I tell you what.Copy !req
307. We're trying to have a baby ourselves.Copy !req
308. He doesn't want anyone to know,
so I'm only telling complete strangers.Copy !req
309. I might be able to help you out there.
May l?Copy !req
310. It's okay. He is the assistant manager
of Strickland Propane.Copy !req
311. There you go, little fella,
for that "new car" smell.Copy !req
312. "Fill cup to line." Okay.Copy !req
313. Negative.Copy !req
314. That's 12 in a row, Hank.Copy !req
315. I think it's time we see a fertility specialist.Copy !req
316. He's just gonna poke and prod
my naked nethers. No, thank you.Copy !req
317. Even if I get Hank to see the
doctor, he refuses to take his pants off.Copy !req
318. You don't take your clothes off
at the doctor's anymore, sug'.Copy !req
319. Anything they need to see, they do it
with a new machine called an MRl.Copy !req
320. Are you sure they can use it
to look at Hank?Copy !req
321. They use it for everything.
Heck, it's the same technology...Copy !req
322. we use down at the station
to predict the weather.Copy !req
323. I thought you used the Doppler radar.Copy !req
324. Sug'...Copy !req
325. it's the same thing.Copy !req
326. It's called an MRl machine.Copy !req
327. You get to keep your pants on.Copy !req
328. Dangit, Peggy, how could you tell Nancy
we were trying to get pregnant?Copy !req
329. We agreed we wouldn't tell anyone.
lncluding family.Copy !req
330. I mean, Nancy's gonna tell Dale and—Copy !req
331. Hank, I have been sitting on these eggs
for 40 years.Copy !req
332. They are ready to hatch.Copy !req
333. We were hoping
advances in medicine...Copy !req
334. might help us to overcome the difficulties
caused by Hank's narrow urethra.Copy !req
335. And that these advances
would mean...Copy !req
336. you not looking down there.Copy !req
337. That won't be necessary, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
338. But I do have to
measure your sperm count.Copy !req
339. That means we'll need a sample.Copy !req
340. Is that something you do
with a local anesthetic...Copy !req
341. or will you have to put me under?Copy !req
342. No. Ms. Hill, perhaps you could
explain to your husband.Copy !req
343. Busy! Occupied!Copy !req
344. It's Dr. Bhudamanjur, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
345. Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
trying this at home?Copy !req
346. No.Copy !req
347. Would you like a magazine?Copy !req
348. Okay. Do you have
Popular Mechanics?Copy !req
349. Ms. Hill, what did you tell him exactly?Copy !req
350. Mr. Hill, I've got the results
of your sperm count back from the lab.Copy !req
351. Come on, big number. Think big number.Copy !req
352. The sample you produced
shows a count of 8 million.Copy !req
353. You hear that, Peggy?Copy !req
354. Eight million. It must have taken them
a long time to count it.Copy !req
355. Of course, the average man
has a count of 100 million.Copy !req
356. Hank, honey, just because you scored
8 million on your sperm test...Copy !req
357. does not mean
you did not give 110 million0/0.Copy !req
358. I give you an "A" for effort.Copy !req
359. Research shows that heat lowers fertility.Copy !req
360. One way to increase
the number of healthy sperm...Copy !req
361. is to lower the temperature.Copy !req
362. - In the house?
- In your pants.Copy !req
363. Yup.Copy !req
364. Yup.Copy !req
365. Yup.Copy !req
366. All right, Hank. Maybe nobody else
is gonna say anything...Copy !req
367. but if we were supposed to
wear shorts today...Copy !req
368. I would have appreciated
the courtesy of a phone call.Copy !req
369. - Yeah, man, that dang old...
- l, too, am hurt.Copy !req
370. All right, I didn't mean to upset you.Copy !req
371. I just found out
that my jeans are in the wash.Copy !req
372. Now, who's ready?Copy !req
373. You know, I'm feeling kind of overheated
myself. Scoot over, would you, Hank?Copy !req
374. Just so you know,
I'm willing to drink beer you sat on.Copy !req
375. I'm just not willing to reach for it.Copy !req
376. What are you doing
sitting in a wind tunnel, Hank?Copy !req
377. You got the prickly heats?Copy !req
378. No, sir. Just drying the ink on
all the sales orders I wrote this morning.Copy !req
379. Just trying to be polite, son.Copy !req
380. I saw the insurance forms
from your weenie doctor.Copy !req
381. Those forms
were supposed to be confidential.Copy !req
382. And employees
are supposed to wear pants.Copy !req
383. But I won't tell if you don't.Copy !req
384. Thanks for the tune-up, Earl.
So how are you fixed for propane?Copy !req
385. I'm good. Say, I wanted to ask you.Copy !req
386. Let's see. How should I put this?Copy !req
387. You ever heard the song Peaches?Copy !req
388. Let's see.
I might be able to fake my way through it.Copy !req
389. No, that's not the reason I asked.Copy !req
390. I was thinking about a way
to get your count up.Copy !req
391. Oh, God! Was Buck Strickland in here?Copy !req
392. No, but the gal
who cuts his hair was.Copy !req
393. Truth be told, Hank, my count used to be
9 million. Almost as low as yours.Copy !req
394. But the thing that worked for me
was peaches.Copy !req
395. I don't know.Copy !req
396. Soak yourself in peaches
three times a day, Hank.Copy !req
397. - Well—
- Peaches.Copy !req
398. - Well, what did the test say?
- We won't know for another 20 seconds.Copy !req
399. But no matter what the result,
I don't blame you.Copy !req
400. Sperm counts are dropping
all over the world.Copy !req
401. And I don't blame you for that, either.
Hank, we've both worked very hard.Copy !req
402. And I could feel we're getting closer,
honey. It is within our grasp and—Copy !req
403. That's 20 seconds.Copy !req
404. Negative.Copy !req
405. Dad, what are you doing here?Copy !req
406. You didn't talk to
Buck Strickland's hair stylist, too, did you?Copy !req
407. Not in two years.
Thought I'd drop by for a surprise visit.Copy !req
408. - Hey, Hank's wife.
- Cotton.Copy !req
409. Didi woman, hurry up with my bags.Copy !req
410. She ain't fat. I gots her knocked up.Copy !req
411. We was using four layers of protection
and my men still got through.Copy !req
412. Please, Dad, there's a child present.Copy !req
413. She's my wife, Hank.
She was there when it happened.Copy !req
414. Ain't that right, babycakes?Copy !req
415. if you say so, Cotton.Copy !req
416. This is such exciting news.Copy !req
417. I am very excited now.Copy !req
418. You know, at your age, Cotton,
having a child will be such a blessing.Copy !req
419. if it's a boy.Copy !req
420. Dad, I think what Peggy's saying is...Copy !req
421. that it's not very often
that a man of 75 fathers a child.Copy !req
422. - I mean, when the boy's 18, you'll be—
- I'll be dead. Pass the beans.Copy !req
423. My sources tell me
that Hank's the problem.Copy !req
424. It's very hush-hush.
Even his own daddy don't know.Copy !req
425. Man, you don't hear it from me, man.Copy !req
426. Dang old reliable source,
Dr. Rhada Budamatahara, man...Copy !req
427. talking about
that dang old chilly willie, man.Copy !req
428. - Good God! Have you gotten fatter, fatty?
- Sir, yes, sir.Copy !req
429. Colonel, let me be
the first to congratulate you...Copy !req
430. on the impregnation of Hank's stepmother.Copy !req
431. Bingo.Copy !req
432. Just think, Hank. If your doctor
helps you and Peggy get pregnant...Copy !req
433. your baby and Cotton's baby
can play together.Copy !req
434. Damn it, Bill!
So, Dad, you must be pretty happy...Copy !req
435. about them executing
that woman in Huntsville.Copy !req
436. Hank, has you been
having trouble baby making?Copy !req
437. No.Copy !req
438. Is it 'cause of that skinny pipe
in your thingy?Copy !req
439. We're not having any trouble.
These things take time.Copy !req
440. I ain't got a narra uretee.
He gets that from his mother.Copy !req
441. Mine's so damn wide
I could pass the child myself if I had to.Copy !req
442. Peggy, this is very nice of you.Copy !req
443. But I just feel awkward
letting my stepdaughter buy me a crib.Copy !req
444. No. We want to.Copy !req
445. It's our gift to you
because we're so happy for you.Copy !req
446. Yeah, I think you've mentioned that,
Peggy.Copy !req
447. Mrs. Peggy Hill,
nice to see you again. Still just looking?Copy !req
448. Yes, I mean, no.Copy !req
449. Actually, we are here today to buy a crib.Copy !req
450. My Lord! Congratulations!Copy !req
451. I knew you could do it, mister.
And you're already showing.Copy !req
452. What?Copy !req
453. Gather round, expectant fathers.Copy !req
454. Our free diaper-changing seminar
is now beginning.Copy !req
455. Didi woman, I need a drink.Copy !req
456. I didn't plan for this.Copy !req
457. You think I planned for this?Copy !req
458. You know how it is.Copy !req
459. You dim the lights, put a little
Andrews Sisters on the phonograph and...Copy !req
460. You likes the Andrews Sisters, Bobby?Copy !req
461. Likes them? I loves them.Copy !req
462. Next thing you know...Copy !req
463. your grandmammy's
got a biscuit in her oven!Copy !req
464. I'm too old to be having babies.Copy !req
465. We both are, mister.Copy !req
466. Your daddy's the right age
to be having babies.Copy !req
467. Poor Hank and Hank's wife.
They want another baby real bad.Copy !req
468. - They do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
469. They flew a doctor in from Calcutta.Copy !req
470. Maybe he'll find a way
to get you a baby brother.Copy !req
471. A brother. Baby brother.Copy !req
472. Mom and Dad are gonna have another kid?Copy !req
473. I guess they wanna get it right this time.Copy !req
474. Dad, are you busy?Copy !req
475. No, son.Copy !req
476. Just checking the percentage
of man-made fibers in these fuel filters.Copy !req
477. Yup, it's 300/0.Copy !req
478. That's very interesting.Copy !req
479. You know,
I'm very interested in things like that.Copy !req
480. Okay, then it's settled,
you and Mom won't have another baby.Copy !req
481. - How did you find out about that?
- Grandpa told me at the bar.Copy !req
482. It's not fair.Copy !req
483. if I knew this could happen,
I'd have worked harder over the years.Copy !req
484. You know, exercised,
cut back on the fruit pies...Copy !req
485. gotten a few "B's" to raise my average.Copy !req
486. This isn't because you're not good enough.
You're great.Copy !req
487. And two of you will be twice as great.Copy !req
488. The only reason I look so good
is 'cause there's no competition.Copy !req
489. You have another kid,
and I'll look like a failure.Copy !req
490. Believe me, Bobby, you're not the one...Copy !req
491. who should be worried about
looking like a failure.Copy !req
492. You're not in competition with anybody.Copy !req
493. Hank! Hank!Copy !req
494. - Cotton's missing. He's run away.
- What? Are you sure?Copy !req
495. Yes. He had me load his bags
into the Cadillac car.Copy !req
496. Peggy, my dad got out.
We gotta go find him.Copy !req
497. Dad, "Miss Arlen Hostess
Swimsuit Competition."Copy !req
498. Maybe Grandpa's in there,Copy !req
499. Good thinking, son.Copy !req
500. Check the parking lot
for your grandpa's Cadillac.Copy !req
501. Okay.Copy !req
502. Look at him, Peggy. Look at him run.Copy !req
503. Makes you realize what a blessing he is,Copy !req
504. He is our miracle child.Copy !req
505. Exactly. And it'd be awfully greedy of us
to expect a second miracle.Copy !req
506. So you can see the only sensible thing
to do is to stop trying to get pregnant.Copy !req
507. What?Copy !req
508. Hank, I know you are frustrated...Copy !req
509. and I know you look dopey in short pants...Copy !req
510. but we've both worked too hard
to give up now.Copy !req
511. We? What have you done?
I've been sitting in an igloo.Copy !req
512. You think I like to see that
out my kitchen window?Copy !req
513. Well, if you wanna keep trying,
you can keep trying by yourself.Copy !req
514. What did they say at the police station?Copy !req
515. Okay. Grandpa Hill is not a missing person
until he's gone for 48 hours.Copy !req
516. But this really nice policeman
gave me his home phone number.Copy !req
517. I'm probably not gonna be able to
help you look any more tonight.Copy !req
518. Any calls, Didi?Copy !req
519. Just one. But I let the machine get it
because I didn't want to tie up the line.Copy !req
520. It's me, I hope you ain't out
looking for me 'cause if you are,Copy !req
521. you ain't gonna find me
and I ain't coming back,Copy !req
522. Hank, I need you to raise Didi's baby
and Didi,Copy !req
523. Dangit! He could be anywhere from Arlen
to who knows where.Copy !req
524. Dad!Copy !req
525. We can use star 69
and find out where he called from.Copy !req
526. Yeah,Copy !req
527. Hello? Who is this, please?Copy !req
528. - Who's this?
- This is Hank Hill.Copy !req
529. Yeah,Copy !req
530. - Where am I calling?
- I'm at the corner of Sierra and Flamingo,Copy !req
531. - Sierra. Is that Dallas?
- It's Vegas, Hank,Copy !req
532. Well, that just tears it. He's in Las Vegas.Copy !req
533. Pretty smart of me, huh, Mom?Copy !req
534. I doubt some little baby
would know how to dial star 69.Copy !req
535. All right, if I drive all night,
I can get to Vegas by the morning.Copy !req
536. - I'll call you when I've found a motel.
- You bring him back, Hank.Copy !req
537. That little ferret thinks he can have it all.
A child and a Vegas trip.Copy !req
538. Well, I didn't get either this year.Copy !req
539. Bobby, I'm gonna need you
to be the man of the house while I'm gone.Copy !req
540. Sure, Dad, I'll be the man of the house...Copy !req
541. while still fulfilling my duties
as the child of the house.Copy !req
542. Hank, my stepson,
Cotton is small and sneaky.Copy !req
543. How will you ever find him?Copy !req
544. I'll tell you how he'll ever find him.Copy !req
545. With the finest mail order surveillance
equipment the Libyans have to offer.Copy !req
546. Not now, Dale.Copy !req
547. Couldn't hear you, Hank.Copy !req
548. But if you are asking if I am
a licensed professional bounty hunter...Copy !req
549. I think this hat speaks for itself.Copy !req
550. Well, all right,
I guess I could use some help driving.Copy !req
551. Maybe we can put that thing to some use
and sing karaoke to stay awake.Copy !req
552. Adios.
Drive careful.Copy !req
553. Are we there yet?Copy !req
554. All right. Now, if we're gonna find him
we need to think like my dad would think.Copy !req
555. Eight topless bars and no Cotton.Copy !req
556. 'Course you'd be a lot more help
if you'd open your eyes, Hank.Copy !req
557. Hank, I'm in love.Copy !req
558. That was the finest deep-dish pizza
I ever tasted.Copy !req
559. The Andrews Sisters?
I didn't know they were still alive.Copy !req
560. They're my dad's favorite.Copy !req
561. Thank you, Las Vegas, and good night,Copy !req
562. Excuse me, ladies.
That was just wonderful.Copy !req
563. My dad has all your records,Copy !req
564. And I wonder, coincidentally,
if he might have been in here tonight.Copy !req
565. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
566. He was here.
That little firecracker grabbed my rear.Copy !req
567. He does like the ladies.Copy !req
568. Right. So when he figured out I wasn't
really a sister, he started breaking plates.Copy !req
569. They threw him out.Copy !req
570. Excuse me, folks. Have any of you seen
an older man about yea high...Copy !req
571. possibly shouting obscenities?Copy !req
572. Welcome to my world, pal.Copy !req
573. Don't stand too close
to the machines, Hank.Copy !req
574. The electromagnetic fields
could defertilize you.Copy !req
575. That's nonsense, Dale.
And, anyway, Peggy and I have decided...Copy !req
576. to stop trying for another baby,
not that it's any of your business.Copy !req
577. Jeez, Hank, you shouldn't give up.
I mean, if your dad can have a baby—Copy !req
578. This has got nothing to do with my dad.Copy !req
579. You know what?
I'm tired. I want to be alone.Copy !req
580. Why don't you guys
go check the poker tables?Copy !req
581. Wonderful.
Thank you very much.Copy !req
582. What will you have?
Beer.Copy !req
583. Heineken—
American.Copy !req
584. Say, do you allow children in the casino?Copy !req
585. No way. No one under 21.Copy !req
586. Huh.Copy !req
587. Hello, Dad.Copy !req
588. Don't you unstrap me. I ain't going back.
You can't make me.Copy !req
589. I didn't come here to bring you back.
I just came to let you know...Copy !req
590. that I'll look in on Didi,
and the baby, and the new husband.Copy !req
591. What? Who is it?Copy !req
592. I forget his name.
Terry or Jerry or something like that.Copy !req
593. I think he's a dancer at Chippendales.Copy !req
594. Give me his address. I'll gut him.Copy !req
595. Dad, I just made him up.
But you see how worked up you got?Copy !req
596. You still love Didi. Now come on home.Copy !req
597. I was going back anyway.Copy !req
598. Got to find me Mr. Terry-Jerry
and gut him up good.Copy !req
599. Did you get what's her name
knocked up yet?Copy !req
600. No, we've...Copy !req
601. I've decided not to have another child.Copy !req
602. The whole idea's upset Bobby too much.Copy !req
603. I always knew you was a quitter.Copy !req
604. You're the one
who always flips up the board...Copy !req
605. when you're losing to me at checkers.Copy !req
606. I never lost to you.
And we haven't played checkers in years.Copy !req
607. I get it. I got Didi pregnant,
and you can't with Hank's wife.Copy !req
608. So you're flipping up the board.Copy !req
609. Yeah, that's right. I'm giving up.
You win. You happy?Copy !req
610. Hank, you ain't in competition with me.Copy !req
611. Hell, if it's a contest
on who's the better daddy, you win!Copy !req
612. I mean, you made Bobby.
All I made was you.Copy !req
613. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
614. But what if I keep trying,
and, you know, it doesn't happen?Copy !req
615. Well, then, you had the fun of trying, boy.Copy !req
616. - I gots to have that talk with you.
- Sounds good, Dad. Let's go.Copy !req
617. Hold on, Hank.
Nobody knows you found me yet.Copy !req
618. What do you say you and me
have some fun tonight in Vegas?Copy !req
619. Sure. Okay.Copy !req
620. Eight the hard way.Copy !req
621. Three craps. You lose.Copy !req
622. What?Copy !req
623. No, Dad!Copy !req
624. That was practice,Copy !req
625. Busy! Occupied!Copy !req