King of the Hill 3x4

Directed by

Jim Cummings as Bounty Hunter / Jimmy Helstrom (voice) • William H. Macy as Dr. Rubin (voice) • John Ashton as Instructor (voice)

Hank wants to breed Ladybird, but the veterinarian says that she has a narrow uterus and probably can't have children. Hank becomes obsessed with finding a way to get Ladybird pregnant, which annoys Peggy, because she's the one who really wants another baby. Meanwhile, Dale becomes a bounty hunter and is assigned to hunt down a man with several unpaid parking tickets. He decides that he needs a hound to accompany him on his first bounty, so he nabs Ladybird, to Hank's horror.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Yep, I change my oil every 3,000 miles

2. or when I get bored, whichever comes first.

3. D I see London, I see France d.

4. Told you, Hank, London and France.

5. Ladybird, no.

6. Get out of my underwear.

7. Well, I put those on her.

8. Ladybird is in heat.

9. And we are out of doggie diapers.

10. Peggy, how could you?

11. My old underwear?

12. I don't even wear that anymore.

13. Well, she wouldn't have to wear anything if you spayed her,

14. or hired someone to do it.

15. I can't have her spayed.

16. I'm gonna breed her one of these days.

17. She's almost 13 years old.

18. Well, you can't mate a purebred bloodhound

19. with just any old dog.

20. That'd be throwing away seven generations

21. of the finest Georgia inbreeding.

22. This could be Ladybird's last heat.

23. If you don't do something and fast

24. she is gonna spend the rest of her life childless and lonely

25. sulking about the house in soiled underwear

26. like Bill.

27. I get off a shot, I wing him…

28. Dang if he didn't keep going

29. another mile or two.

30. Ain't nothing keeps you sharp for deer season like hunting humans.

31. 'Scuse me.

32. I couldn't help reading your lips.

33. Uh, this hunting humans…

34. Do you need a license?

35. This hat's my license.

36. Any man who skips out on his bail

37. can be hunted like an animal, although not eaten.

38. All you got to do is sit through a four-hour training course.

39. You're telling me there's a poorly trained, quasi-legal police force

40. that operates with few, if any, government controls?

41. It's about time.

42. Boy, that's some mighty fine hounds you got yourself there, Buck.

43. That's right. Champions, all of them.

44. Except the deaf one.

45. Yep.

46. Fine hounds. Mm-hmm.

47. Uh, Mr. Strickland, there's something I'd like to ask you.

48. Uh, yeah, Hank I'd love to give you a raise,

49. but the accounting department said, "Buck, stop letting the employees

50. put your lemons in a vise."

51. Donna said that?

52. My hands are tied.

53. Uh, sir, this is about my Ladybird.

54. I finally decided to breed her and I was hoping one of your studs…

55. Whoo-ee!

56. One of my boys finally gets to "howdy, ma'am" the debutante.

57. Well, you know my terms.

58. 500, the first session, 400, each additional session

59. and please, no flash photography.

60. Okay, let's all shut up, please.

61. We don't have much time so let's get right to it.

62. We don't have much time, so let's get right to it.

63. In the next four hours,

64. we'll find out if you've got what it takes to wear this hat.

65. Ladybird is going to be a mommy.

66. Seems like just yesterday mom and dad brought her home for me,

67. on account of me not having any brothers and sisters to play with.

68. If I'd been old enough to talk,

69. I would've asked for a monkey.

70. But I guess things worked out okay.

71. That's them.

72. Is everything…

73. Ladybird Hill, you're beautiful.

74. Luanne, take off her underwear.

75. I'm honored you could share Ladybird's special evening with us, Buck.

76. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's make some hound dogs.

77. I'm late for a bachelor auction.

78. Okay, you learned kicking down doors,

79. you learned mustaches, mailman suits and other disguises.

80. Did we cover choke holds and pepper spray?

81. Yes.

82. Ah, good. Take your seat.

83. Okay, you have 15 minutes to complete the ethics exam.

84. Good luck, and try to remember what I taught you.

85. A, A, B, A, C.

86. Congratulations, class of Thursday, a.m.

87. You may now call yourselves

88. bounty hunters.

89. Hello, Dr. Downes.

90. Hank, Ladybird.

91. Oh, uh… This is my wife Peggy.

92. I take care of our son.

93. So, what'll it be…

94. Flea dip, tartar scrape, worm shot?

95. Not this week.

96. I finally let my little girl start dating,

97. and I think she's in a family way.

98. Ah, well, that's sweet.

99. Let me get a glove on and have a look-see.

100. Ooh, this place gives me the deja-vus.

101. It's just like when we were trying to get pregnant.

102. Yeah, I remember.

103. So, doctor, is she going to be a mommy?

104. How do I say this without breaking your hearts?

105. - No. - Oh, God.

106. Damn.

107. I have your test results.

108. - Peggy… - I knew it! I'll never get pregnant.

109. What is wrong with me?

110. Peggy, no, this is not your fault.

111. He's right, Mrs. Hill.

112. There's no point in blaming yourself.

113. - It's Hank's fault. - What?

114. You were born with a narrow urethra.

115. And years of chronic tension have only made it worse.

116. I really don't think you'll ever have children.

117. But… But… But that, Uh… That's impossible.

118. The lab reports confirm it, although I suspected as much

119. when it took you 30 minutes to produce a urine sample.

120. Hey, you want it done quick or you want it done right?

121. Hank, please calm down.

122. Your urethra will disappear.

123. Isn't there anything we can do?

124. For starters, we can transition you to boxer shorts.

125. - Mm-mm. - Or

126. if that's unacceptable,

127. I can prescribe a specific series of sexual techniques.

128. A series?

129. Are you suggesting I break the law?

130. Oh, Hank, please. He is just trying to help us.

131. Yeah, I saw something on the news

132. about a procedure called in-vitro fertilization.

133. They mix your boys with one of my ladies in a test tube.

134. Isn't that wonderful?

135. No, it's terrible!

136. It's science run amok.

137. Oh, Hank.

138. It's perfectly safe, Mr. Hill.

139. They've tested it on animals.

140. Couldn't we just try it?

141. No! It's wrong on humans and it's wrong on animals.

142. I'm sorry, Peggy.

143. I know you're disappointed but that's just how I was raised,

144. by my mother and father, not a test tube.

145. So, uh, is Ladybird going to be a mommy?

146. Sorry, Hank.

147. Mr. Strickland better refund our 500 dollars.

148. I knew that stud was no good.

149. He wouldn't even look her in the eye.

150. It ain't the stud's fault, it's Ladybird's.

151. I'm afraid she's got a narrow uterus.

152. Ah, no!

153. So she can't have puppies?

154. Well, stranger things have happened.

155. But, no, she can't.

156. Go, boy!

157. I know it hurts, Ladybird.

158. I've been there myself.

159. I just wish I could scoop up your pain in a little plastic bag and throw it out.

160. Hey! Get off her.

161. Ah, forget it.

162. Knock yourself out.

163. Buddy, no. Down.

164. I'm so sorry.

165. Hey, it's all right. No harm, no foul.

166. See, the thing is my Ladybird has a narrow uterus.

167. The vet said she will never know the pleasures of motherhood.

168. In fact…

169. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to burden you.

170. Oh, not at all. We were in the same situation with buddy's mother.

171. Turns out there's all sorts of things you can do.

172. There are? Like what?

173. Diet, hormones…

174. Body work.

175. Surgery.

176. There's a whole world out there.

177. Wow, I want to know everything.

178. Do you and your brother have time to grab a beer?

179. Uh, sure.

180. I know just the place.

181. Assault with a deadly weapon

182. and attempted murder of a police officer.

183. - He's been on the run about two days. - Oh, me. Me, right here.

184. I'll take it.

185. Excuse me. I had my hand up first.

186. Why do you keep giving all the cases to these other guys?

187. Because they're experienced professional bounty hunters.

188. You're just some deluded bug sprayer

189. who took a four-hour course, learned a few choke holds

190. and got a hat.

191. Hmm, you are familiar with my credentials

192. yet you still refuse to give me a case?

193. If it will shut you up,

194. fugitive's name is James "Jimmy" Helstrom,

195. AKA Jim Helstrom.

196. Wanted for unpaid parking tickets.

197. The hunt is on.

198. One hundred point seven.

199. Wow, it's hot in a dog's head.

200. Oh, I love the bloopers.

201. The practical jokes, not so much.

202. What are you doing?

203. I'm charting Ladybird's temperature.

204. I'm gonna pinpoint the exact perfect moment

205. for her to mate.

206. Well, give me that!

207. Hank.

208. That thermometer's for company. You know that.

209. But I was using it.

210. Well, I don't see why.

211. The doctor said Ladybird cannot get pregnant.

212. I know, I know, but then I met some men,

213. we went to a bar,

214. and before it all went horribly wrong,

215. they told me a bunch of things I can do

216. to get Ladybird pregnant.

217. One hundred point four. She's ready for a stud.

218. Peggy, quick, call Buck Strickland.

219. I put him on the speed dial.

220. Just press, "Peggy's mother."

221. Arlen Florist.

222. I've got some long-stem roses for Jimmy Helstrom.

223. What the "H" are you doing?

224. It's called the tellington touch.

225. It's a body awareness technique.

226. All the top fertility experts swear by it.

227. My grandmother quilted that blanket.

228. Peggy, no.

229. I can't move her for two hours.

230. She just mated.

231. Just give me the freaking blanket.

232. Thought you could outsmart me, did you, J Helstrom?

233. Ladybird?

234. Hey, Bobby, come stand with me.

235. Okay.

236. You know, I just… I don't like to drink alone.

237. So… how's school?

238. Fine.

239. That's nice.

240. Friends?

241. Yeah.

242. Huh.

243. Uh, I got to give Ladybird her hormone biscuit.

244. Let me see that.

245. See, Ladybird is going to be a mommy and we're gonna have a puppy again,

246. just like when I was one year old and my parents got me Ladybird.

247. Boy, that sure is a cute story.

248. But you got it all wrong.

249. Your parents had that dog a whole year before you came along.

250. - What? - Oh, yeah.

251. As I recall your mama was having trouble getting pregnant

252. on account of your daddy's narrow doo-hickey.

253. And eventually, well, they just gave up on ever having a child of their own,

254. and they did the… the next best thing.

255. Oh…

256. Oh, Hank, thank you. She's perfect.

257. Ah…

258. Yeah.

259. Yeah.

260. Hey, hey.

261. They gave up on having a child of their own,

262. but here I am, a child.

263. A child doesn't just come out of nowhere.

264. Mr. Dauterive, was I adopted?

265. Well, I'll tell you, Bobby

266. if you get me some more of these cookies.

267. But those are dog hormone biscuits,

268. and that's the last one.

269. And they're from a special store,

270. and it's two miles away.

271. Well, sorry, Bobby. That's the deal.

272. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

273. Outstanding.

274. We'll take the next flight out.

275. No, God bless you, doctor.

276. We did it, Peggy.

277. Ladybird's been accepted into an in-vitro fertilization program

278. up at Michigan State.

279. In-vitro? What are you talking about?

280. Test-tube puppies.

281. They're using this new experimental fertility drug.

282. I figure if it's safe enough for humans in France,

283. it's probably safe enough for dogs in America.

284. Hank Hill, if you are thinking of flying your dog

285. to Michigan to get her pregnant,

286. do not bother buying a round-trip ticket.

287. Relax, Peggy.

288. I don't have to buy anything.

289. Uh, can I have your frequent flyer number?

290. But I need those miles to get to my great-aunt's funeral next year.

291. Fine. Go.

292. Just do not expect me to be here when you get back.

293. Mom, can I stay with you for a few…

294. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Strickland.

295. Great news, Ladybird. We're going to…

296. Oh, my God!

297. Let's get one thing straight, Ladybird.

298. You work for me.

299. Oh, you're still here.

300. Ladybird's gone!

301. What happened?

302. I don't know.

303. Maybe you left her pen open.

304. By mistake, of course, and she ran away.

305. You're blaming me?

306. I would have to be pretty passive-aggressive

307. to do something like that

308. and spit in your coffee every day for a week.

309. But wait… Wait a minute.

310. "Receipt from Dale Gribble, bounty hunter.

311. Borrowed, one dog.

312. Purpose, Nab fugitive at 27 Whistler Terrace.

313. Signed, Dale Gribble, bounty hunter."

314. Damn it, Dale!

315. Okay, Gribble, this is it.

316. Two days and four hours ago,

317. you were an untrained, untested no-hat.

318. Now, look at you.

319. Hi-yah! Freeze! Bounty hunter!

320. Freeze! Bounty hunter!

321. Freeze!

322. G'ih!

323. What do I want? A left? A right?

324. I wish Ladybird were here.

325. She doesn't need a map.

326. Well, that is it.

327. I am sick of you acting like you care more about that dog

328. than you do about me, your human wife.

329. What?

330. I don't care more about…

331. Oh, no! Ladybird!

332. She's gonna dehydrate in there.

333. Between this sun and the incredible airtight construction

334. of an American-made truck,

335. I'd say she's got about five minutes.

336. I'm going in.

337. Are you loco?

338. As soon as you step foot out there,

339. those attack dogs will attack you to shreds.

340. I bet if I were stuck in a truck,

341. you would leave me there.

342. Peggy, how would you ever get stuck in a truck?

343. I don't know. The handle could break off.

344. That's not the point.

345. All week, I have watched you jump through hoops

346. trying to get Ladybird pregnant,

347. and you never jumped through any hoops for me.

348. What are you talking about?

349. You never put a thermometer in my ear.

350. Of course not. Why would I?

351. Oh, see? You admit you love her more.

352. That's crazy.

353. I didn't do all that thermometer stuff with you

354. 'cause, you know, where's the romance?

355. With Ladybird, it doesn't matter.

356. She's only a dog.

357. She's not my wife.

358. You're my wife.

359. Well, I know. It's just…

360. Well, sometimes a woman needs to hear it.

361. Why would you be jealous of Ladybird?

362. You don't want to get pregnant…

363. Do you?

364. I don't know.

365. Maybe.

366. I think I'd rather have another baby right now

367. than another puppy.

368. Me too.

369. That's why I've been trying to get Ladybird pregnant.

370. I don't know what those men in that bar told you,

371. but that is not how you have a baby.

372. I know that.

373. But remember when we first got Ladybird?

374. I always kind of believed that playing with that puppy

375. was the one thing that finally relaxed me and my ureth

376. uh… well, me,

377. enough for us to have a baby.

378. I just thought if we had another puppy in the house,

379. uh… you know.

380. Oh, Hank.

381. Oh.

382. Hang in there, Ladybird. Mama's coming.

383. Easy… Easy…

384. I'm cool, man.

385. G'ih!

386. Easy… Easy…

387. Be careful, Hank.

388. Nine times out of ten, they go right for the crotch,

389. and I see ten dogs out there.

390. Come on girl, come on.

391. It's all right.

392. Shake hands. Shake hands.

393. That's it.

394. Everything's fine.

395. Why are your arms shaking, Mr. Bounty Hunter?

396. If that is your real name.

397. Getting tired?

398. Yes. Very tired.

399. Nice hat.

400. Back atcha.

401. Jump, Ladybird! Jump!

402. Good girl.

403. Okay, let's get the hell out of here.

404. Seat belts, please.

405. Here you go, Mr. Dauterive.

406. Ah.

407. Only eight?

408. Those cost 26 dollars.

409. Okay, Bobby.

410. Ask your question.

411. - Mr. Dauterive… - Mm-hmm?

412. Am I adopted?

413. No.

414. Now, I'll tell you your middle name if you get me a glass a milk.

415. Okay.

416. Mm.

417. More spaghetti-os?