1. you want potatoes
with that, buck?
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2. You know I do, Miss fybel.
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3. Scattered, smothered and covered.
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4. Hank will have the same.
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5. Actually, uh,
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6. I prefer my potatoes
diced and chunked—
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7. I already ordered for you.
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8. Now listen up.
Chamber of commerce
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9. is puttin' together
a coed softball league.
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10. I want you to play
and be head coach.
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11. Head coach?
Like—like tom landry?
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12. Uh, I'm—I'm gonna need
a moment here, sir.
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13. what you got, buck?
Vanilla milkshake?
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14. Doctor wants you to put on
another 40 pounds?
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15. Get out of here,
thatherton.
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16. Oh, where are my manners?
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17. Allow me to introduce
the newest dispatcher
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18. at thatherton fuels
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19. mrs. Rita bevacqua.
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20. Bevacqua? Huh.
Is that any relation
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21. to former texas rangers
3rd baseman, kurt bevacqua
?
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22. kurt's my husband
by marriage.
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23. the chamber of commerce
rule book
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24. says immediate family
is eligible to play.
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25. Husband falls
under the category
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26. of immediate family,
don't it, boys?
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27. Thatherton!
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28. I hope my picture isn't
at the edge of the page.
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29. Last year it just said
, "connie soup."
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30. Yeah, but I could
still tell it was you,
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31. even without
the "hanousinphone."
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32. You're so sweet,
bobby.
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33. I can't help it.
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34. You guys are a couple.
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35. Can you believe
they put that
picture in there?
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36. Yeah. Can you
believe it?
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37. hank, what
are you doing here?
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38. did bobby do something
to his eye?
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39. No, no, no.
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40. Strickland propane is
gonna have a softball team
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41. and I was name
d the head coach
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42. well, congratulations, hank.
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43. My game went well.
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44. Thank you so much
for asking.
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45. Here's the best part.
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46. It's a coed league
with a woman-must-pitch rule.
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47. So you'll be pitching
for team strickland.
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48. But I already
pitch for a team, hank.
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49. The lady giants.
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50. But this is
a chance to play
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51. in a serious leagu
e against men.
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52. s
See how you do
against batter
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53. who can really put som
e aluminum into the ball
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54. I am in a serious league,
hank.
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55. Of course, you
wouldn't know how serious
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56. because you've never come
to one of my games.
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57. Peggy, you know
that tuesday's my night
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58. to drink beer in the alley
with the guys.
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59. It has been for years.
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60. Let's see, I got
enrique at shortstop
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61. and joe jack
in center field.
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62. I'll have to put
mr. Strickland at catcher.
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63. It's the only position
his cardiologist
would clear him to play.
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64. And he, uh, has to sit
on a stool.
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65. I wish you
could coach
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66. my army softball team,
hank.
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67. We don't have
any good leaders.
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68. That's classified.
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69. This chamber
of commie-erce league
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70. discriminates against
the self-employed.
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71. I'm a one-man
extermination corporation.
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72. How am I
supposed to play?
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73. Those are the rules, dale.
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74. You gotta have
a strickland pay stub
or be a strickland wife.
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75. I've sprayed stricklan
d for termites.
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76. I have a pay stub.
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77. I'm on the team!
I'm on the team!
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78. !
get your
arrow girl cookies
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79. hey, connie,
wanna see me do a...
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80. what a dork.
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81. My mom spent 2 hours
stacking those boxes.
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82. Got milk?
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83. 'cause you got cookies.
Am I right?
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84. Connie, tell your
boyfriend to go away.
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85. He's hurting business.
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86. Just 'cause we're
on the "couples" page
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87. doesn't mean
he's my boyfriend.
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88. I know that.
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89. Uh, I—I just came to buy
a box of arrow girl cookies.
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90. these cookies stink.
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91. They're waxy and stale
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92. bobby, maybe
you should go, ok?
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93. All right, debbie,
fire one in there.
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94. Let's see what
joe jack's got.
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95. get out of here, baby.
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96. I got it. I got it.
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97. all right. Somebody pick up
the dang ball.
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98. back it up, fellas.
I'm going deep.
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99. doggone it, hank!
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100. Give me a boost
off this dang stool,
would you?
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101. shoot! I'm gonna get
that son of a bitch.
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102. mr. Strickland, sir,
throw the dang ball!
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103. no, I got him.
I—I got him!
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104. shoot! I'm having
an infarction!
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105. safe!
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106. you know,
my offer's still open.
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107. We could really
use a good pitcher,
I tell you what.
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108. Mmm. 'cause if you
can pitch as good
as you make cookies—
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109. My answer
is still no.
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110. And bobby baked them.
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111. What?
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112. I used double the butter.
Aren't they great?
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113. Better than the arrow girls'.
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114. Oh, god! You didn't join
the arrow girls, did you?
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115. No, and I never will.
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116. But I will sell more cookies
than troop number 159,
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117. connie souphanousinphone,
secretary-treasurer.
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118. Just don't wear the apron
out of the house, please.
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119. ok, hank.
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120. I drove you here,
and I helped you
carry the bats.
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121. They seemed light
enough for one person,
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122. but what's done is done.
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123. ,
Yeah, well,
as long as you're here
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124. maybe you could give debbi
e some pointers on pitching.
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125. Here, I brough
t your mitt.
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126. Goodbye, honey.
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127. strickland's pitching.
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128. Oh, what can they do?
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129. The league requires
a woman pitcher.
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130. Like I tell my gym class,
girls can't play sports.
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131. At least I found one
that can get it
over the plate,
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132. if you know what I mean.
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133. I'm having sex with her.
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134. but she's no good
at sports, right?
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135. Oh, thatherton.
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136. Oh, yeah!
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137. I am saving my good stuff
for our first game.
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138. ? [star spangled banner
playing]
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139. ? [feels so good
by chuck mangione playing]
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140. ? [star spangled banner
playing]
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141. !
strike
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142. one up, one down.
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143. A strikeout for peggy hill!
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144. 2!
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145. strike!
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146. ooh!
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147. go sit dow
n on him.
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148. Yeah, peggy.
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149. 15 strikeouts for peggy hill.
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150. And your winner
is the strickland bobtails!
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151. All right.
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152. uh, you know, this team
didn't coach itself.
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153. He's right.
Nice job, hank.
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154. Oh, man!
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155. Did you see that
2nd bunt I laid down?
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156. They threw you out
in about 20 feet,
you sweet gazelle.
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157. all right. Quiet down, team.
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158. Ok, I'd like to say
a few words as coach.
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159. That was a good team effort
out there, everybody.
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160. Joe jack, you got yourself
a couple r.b.I.s.
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161. Nice goin'.
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162. Enrique, dynamite job
of catchin'.
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163. Aren't you
forgetting someone, coach?
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164. All right. All right.
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165. I might be a little biased,
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166. but, uh, I did coach
one heck of a game,
I tell you what.
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167. So thank you,
and enjoy your pizza.
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168. And not one
of my beauty school credits
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169. has transferred
to junior college.
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170. It turns out you have
to get at least a "c."
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171. tsk.
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172. Never hurts to quit.
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173. I'm hungry.
Where's dad?
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174. Probably busy
patting himself on the back
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175. for giving birth
to you.
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176. Morning. Oops,
time to flip 'em.
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177. Uh-uh,
they're not ready yet.
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178. They're brown
around the edges, peggy.
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179. You don't want
to burn 'em.
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180. Hank, I have been
flapping jacks
for 32 years.
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181. Well, it's never
too late
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182. to learn how
to do it right.
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183. here, let me show you.
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184. There is nothing
you can show me.
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185. Please be careful
with the pancakes.
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186. Don't buy inferior
arrow girl cookies.
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187. What are they offering?
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188. Oatmeal.
That's for breakfast.
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189. Mints. What are you, 60?
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190. And dog poop.
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191. What kind of flavor
is that for a cookie?
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192. Oh, my mistake.
That's their peanut butter
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193. hello, ladies.
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194. ?
Bobby,
what are you doing
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195. I am trying to restore
the good name of cookies.
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196. Here, taste.
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197. this tastes like mud.
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198. What? That's a lie.
You take that back.
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199. Taste it, connie.
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200. Don't do it.
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201. Don't let him
make you eat mud.
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202. This isn't funny, bobby.
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203. Connie, wait!
There's nothing wrong
with bobby's cookies.
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204. Look at me. I'm eating 'em.
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205. They've got your head
all turned around.
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206. sorry I'm late
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207. that's what I get
for picking
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208. the most popular
gynecologist in arlen.
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209. Well, try not to let it
happen again.
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210. I can't let
the players think
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211. I'm givin' you
special treatment
'cause you're, you know...
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212. The best?
my wife.
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213. Good afternoon, luanne.
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214. Hey, uncle hank.
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215. Run along, now.
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216. I need her
behind the plate.
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217. Enrique is a nice man,
but he has got
a porcelain hand.
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218. I'm afraid
to throw full speed.
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219. Look, the roster's
already set
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220. and we already have 3 women
on the team.
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221. Did—did I
hear you right?
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222. You said you wanna replace
our catcher enrique
with this little filly?
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223. Luanne has a lot
of experience catching me.
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224. But I told her, sir,
that we didn't
have any room—
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225. Enrique, you're fired!
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226. huh. Just kiddin'.
Hank, stick him somewhere.
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227. strike 3!
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228. Put up another "k"
for peggy hill!
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229. peggy, peggy,
throw it here.
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230. strike, dag on, 3, man.
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231. looking good! All right.
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232. ok, let's walk
this next batter,
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233. set up the double play
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234. oh, hank, I can strike out
this lap dancer in my sleep.
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235. No, it's not
good strategy.
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236. Walk this gal,
and pitch to the one
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237. with the ridiculous implants
up next.
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238. oh, yeah!
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239. outfield shift.
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240. No, no, no, shift back.
That's right. Little more.
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241. safe.
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242. What?
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243. Are you blind?
He was out by 2 steps.
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244. Hey, man, get—
Get out of my face!
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245. You haven't made
a right call
since this game started.
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246. this isn't about my wife.
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247. I'll kick your ass,
I'll tell you what.
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248. You're out of here!
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249. peggy.
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250. Hello, hank.
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251. ?
So, uh, did we win
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252. uh-huh.
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253. How could you
get me thrown
out of the game?
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254. Me? What did I
have to do with it?
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255. It never would
have happened
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256. if you didn't
shift the fielders bac
k after I moved 'em.
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257. You embarrassed me
as your husband,
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258. I—I mean coach.
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259. Well, coach, if you had
moved them to the right place
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260. in the first place—
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261. I told you
to walk that stripper.
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262. What—
That was a week ago.
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263. And I always got
to position players
in my other league.
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264. Oh, sorry. That's right.
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265. You wouldn't know that
because you never
came to watch me.
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266. Well, you never
watched me sell propane.
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267. Hank, I am sick and tired
of always batting last.
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268. It's not fair to me.
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269. You? You're the one
who won't run fast
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270. 'cause you're afraid
your hat'll fall off
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271. and your bald spot
will show.
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272. everybody wants
to be a superstar today.
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273. Nobody wants
to be a team player.
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274. You know, when the coach
told mickey mantle
to take a pitch,
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275. and he wasn't too hung-over
to see the sign,
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276. he took the pitch,
I tell you what.
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277. now batting for the army,
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278. william fontaine
delatur dauterive.
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279. all right,
I want you to throw him
some chin music.
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280. Get him off the plate
so he can't
put his gut into it.
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281. You don't know how
to position an outfield.
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282. You don't know
when to flip a pancake
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283. and you don't
know jack smith
about pitching.
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284. So back off, coach!
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285. I'm not asking
you as your coach.
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286. I'm asking you
as your husband.
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287. They're all looking at us.
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288. Well, I am not your wife.
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289. I mean, I am your...
Well, on the field, I am—
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290. I love you.
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291. Oh, yeah!
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292. I'm all right.
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293. I'm all right.
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294. ok, peggy,
I get the message.
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295. Now put it
over the plate
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296. made your point.
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297. I am trying, hank.
I really am.
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298. oh, peggy.
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299. there's nothin'
wrong with you that
good coaching can't fix.
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300. Bobby, come on
in here, son.
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301. ok.
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302. all right. Play ball.
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303. hey!
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304. I—I—I can't find
the plate anymore.
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305. Without my pitching,
what am I?
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306. I am just one more
4-eyed boggle champion.
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307. Ok, here's your problem.
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308. You need to tuck
your elbow in more
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309. and release earlie
r in your windmill.
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310. Really? Are you sure?
I think—
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311. Don't think.
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312. Thinking leads
to overthinking.
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313. Just listen to your coach.
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314. oh, my god!
You killed my minh!
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315. Not really.
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316. But you really do suck,
peggy hill.
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317. oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
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318. oh!
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319. Oh, yeah!
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320. ok.
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321. we're playin' thatherton's
team today, luanne.
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322. Be careful
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323. he'll try
every trick in the book
to mess with the catcher,
Copy !req
324. including the use
of off-color language.
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325. Tatherton!
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326. Luanne, while
the rest of arlen
was sleeping,
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327. I was out in the yard
throwing strikes.
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328. And it is safe to say
the pitch is back!
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329. oh, peggy.
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330. just like I told you.
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331. tell you what, man,
let's play some dang old ball.
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332. Here we go, peggy.
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333. Keep tuckin'
that elbow in.
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334. dang old. Dang old.
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335. Take your base.
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336. aunt peggy, watch out!
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337. who's ready to take
the cookie challenge?
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338. On the left,
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339. bobby's cookies.
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340. Fresh and buttery.
Copy !req
341. On the right,
arrow girl cookies.
Copy !req
342. Foul and musty.
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343. Bobby hill, you have mocked
your last arrow girl cookie.
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344. hey, what are you doing?
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345. Connie, help!
Save the cookies!
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346. No, we're getting rid
of the mud cookies.
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347. Connie, smash 'em.
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348. hey!
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349. these are great.
They don't taste like mud.
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350. They taste like...
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351. Uh, butter.
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352. double the butter.
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353. You lied to me.
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354. My boyfriend
is a cookie genius.
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355. Yeah, I am a cookie...
Boyfriend?
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356. man!
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357. going, going, gone!
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358. How are you fixed
for propane, thatherton?
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359. oh, there's a double
off the back fence.
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360. Thatherton takes the lead!
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361. It's the bottom of the 7th
and final inning.
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362. 2 outs. Runners
on first and second
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363. and strickland
up only by a run.
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364. Hey, hank, your wife seems
to have lost her stuff.
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365. Maybe it's the presence
of a real man on the field
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366. no, it is not.
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367. Tuck that elbow, peggy
Square your hips.
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368. Drive off the rubber
concurrent with
your release plane.
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369. Concurrent, I said
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370. the bases are juiced.
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371. Next up,
former texas ranger
kurt bevacqua.
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372. Time-out there, ump.
God dang it, hank!
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373. Thatherton's got
more people on the bases
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374. than he does
on his payroll.
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375. Oh, shoot!
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376. Your gal's broke,
hank. She's broke.
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377. Find a way to fix her.
You're her husband.
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378. Husband? What does that
have to do with...
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379. hmm.
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380. I got to make
a change, peggy.
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381. I'm sorry. I—I thought
I had it worked out.
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382. Debbie, you're playing
first base.
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383. And you, you strike
this ringer out.
Copy !req
384. What are you
doing, dad?
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385. I'm making the best
coaching decision
I ever made.
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386. I'm taking myself
out of the game
Copy !req
387. so I can watch
your mom pitch.
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388. Hey, man,
you don't think
you could hook me up
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389. with some of them
ranger tickets, man?
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390. Strike one
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391. strike 2.
Come on, peggy!
One more time.
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392. You can do it, mom!
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393. Take him down, ace!
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394. oh, yeah!
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395. dang old.
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396. Whoo-hoo!
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397. Team strickland wins!
Copy !req
398. all right!
You did it, peggy!
Copy !req
399. Oh, hank, you are
the world's greatest coach!
Copy !req
400. yeah.
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401. oh!
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402. What about that?
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403. 'course if dale hadn't
made that catch,
Copy !req
404. it would have
been a home run.
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405. Oh, please.
Copy !req
406. We both know
that kurt bevacqua
corks his bat.
Copy !req
407. He always has
and he always will.
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408. peggy, he was usin
g an aluminum bat.
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409. I didn't say
he was smart, hank.
Copy !req
410. I said he was a cheater.
Copy !req
411. tell you what, man,
let's play some dang old ball.
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