King of the Hill 3x22

Peggy gets a letter from a Death Row convict who says that he is a former student of hers, and that she had the most positive impact on his life. She starts visiting him in prison and bringing him what she thinks is timer sand for Boggle -- not realizing that it's actually cocaine. Meanwhile, Dale wants to become an executioner.

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1. The fork and the spoon jumped over the moon?

2. no.

3. you got a letter.

4. it smells like the letters

5. luanne used to get from her mom in prison.

6. Only prisonier.

7. Hmm, "archer"?

8. I don't know anyon e named archer.

9. hey, I've been pre-approved for a gold card.

10. Who wants ice cream?

11. Uh-oh.

12. listen to this.

13. It's from an old student of mine.

14. He's on death row.

15. "and as I raise my hand

16. "for possibly my final question,

17. "I hope that Miss peggy hill will call on me one more time.

18. "because she is the person who has had

19. "the most positive impact on my life.

20. Sincerely, wesley martin archer."

21. That's a good name for a killer.

22. What was he like, mom?

23. Did he speak real proper english,

24. like an evil genius?

25. I think maybe he had wavy brown hair

26. or was he that albino boy?

27. Well, it'll all come back to me when I see him.

28. Oh, wait a second here. You're not thinking

29. of going into a prison, are you?

30. Hank, I am a substitute teacher.

31. I flit in and out of people's lives,

32. and I never know if I've made a difference.

33. With this boy, I did make an impact.

34. Uh, he's in prison, peggy.

35. dang it, peggy. Some of these guys

36. haven't seen a woman since they killed their wives.

37. If you're gonna insist on going,

38. do you have to be all decked out

39. ? like some disco dancer

40. hank, please. Death row is perfectly safe.

41. There's a code of conduct that all prisoners

42. are obligated to obey.

43. I tell you what, hank, man,

44. she's like dang ol d susan sarandon

45. in that movie, man , spicoli, man.

46. Talking about taste the waves cool buzz, you know.

47. Are you just gonna joke your way

48. through your entire life, boomhauer?

49. Don't snap at boomhaue r just because

50. you're losing control of your woman.

51. Believe me, hank, if you don't stop it here,

52. the next step'll be cutting your allowance

53. oh, you can't rein peggy in, dale.

54. Peggy's like a wild mare.

55. She needs to run free,

56. her chestnut mane blowing in the wind,

57. flanks glistening with sweat.

58. I'll stop now.

59. Hey! Death row.

60. ? You think peggy' s gonna meet the executioner

61. well, she only mentioned the murderer.

62. Executioning.

63. For us exterminators, that's the major league.

64. The show.

65. empty your bag on that table.

66. We'll hold on to this.

67. A con could use a mascara applicator

68. to scoop a man's eye right out of his head.

69. hola, senora hill.

70. You don't remember me. That's ok.

71. Someone like you touches so many lives.

72. Well, yes, I—I guess I do Who'd you kill?

73. I killed myself.

74. At least I might as well have,

75. as bad as I feel about it.

76. One night I went with my buddy ray

77. over to his friend's house.

78. Only he wasn't home.

79. So I gave ray a boost up to the window.

80. He couldn't climb up and hold his gun

81. at the same time.

82. That's why we were there, to return his friend's gun.

83. Mmm-hmm, I can see where this is going. Go on.

84. So we get inside,

85. and it turns out the guy was home.

86. He was screaming, alarms were ringing,

87. and when a guy yells, "don't shoot!"

88. believe me, it has the opposite effect.

89. I just panicked. The next thing I know,

90. his head was blown off.

91. It would be a comedy of errors

92. if it wasn't so tragic

93. now you don't Miss a thing, do you?

94. How do you say:

95. "peggy hill is the smartest, most talented woman on earth"

96. in spanish?

97. Well, hmm...

98. That would be, "peggy hill es bueno."

99. The prison may think 10 back issues

100. of us magazine and a bible make a library,

101. but I do not.

102. Wesley needs more than that to expand his mind.

103. ? Why bother helping him at all

104. he's just gonna be executed.

105. Very nice, hank.

106. You know, wes had only the best things

107. to say about you.

108. He was supportive about your problems with your father.

109. You gave a convict personal information about...

110. how could you be that naive?

111. Naive?

112. Do you know what a prisoner could do with this? I do.

113. He could jab it into your windpipe,

114. and you would be dead in 2 minutes.

115. Glasses are not a weapon.

116. Guns are a weapon. You used to know that.

117. What color is your parachute?

118. Is a wonderful boo k about finding your inner self.

119. Oh, this is so great.

120. Mrs. Hill, have you ever played "what if?"

121. "what if?"

122. is that the one where you guys see how quickly

123. you can stab a knife around your fingers?

124. Oh, that game's fun,

125. but I don't think it has a name.

126. Hmm. How about "stab-scotch"?

127. Stab-scotch. That's real good, Mrs. Hill.

128. But, uh, back to what if.

129. I can't help thinking, "what if

130. mrs. Hill had been my full-time teacher?"

131. maybe I'd be able to read these books.

132. You can't read?

133. Now, that is a crime.

134. Look, I know it'd be unfair to ask,

135. but if you would come in and tutor me, well, whoo.

136. What's the happiest color on earth?

137. Yellow.

138. Well, then my parachute would be yellow.

139. You gave that bastard our travel version

140. of the guinness book of world records

141. and now you're gonna teach him to read it?

142. Hank, I'm a teacher. I sell knowledge.

143. And it doesn't matter to who.

144. Whom.

145. Even murderers?

146. You work with propane. And that kills people.

147. Only when used by people

148. that don't know how to handle it.

149. And I know how to handle it.

150. And I know how to handle myself.

151. I am not some corset-wearing lady

152. who passes out with the vapors

153. at the drop of a hat or a sudden garroting.

154. dang it, peggy. I— you can't just...

155. Ok, that's it. You leave me no choice

156. u for your own good, I am forbidding yo

157. to go back there.

158. You forbid me?

159. Unless you decide on your own not to go,

160. 'cause I'll still support that.

161. Nobody forbids peggy hill.

162. well, obviously, since there's only one of you,

163. I cannot grade on a curve.

164. But every day an assignment is late

165. is one grade off and a day in the hole.

166. oh, peggy.

167. Oh, that's beautiful.

168. Is that me?

169. It's an apple.

170. oh.

171. So, you're telling me you'll spray

172. the entire prison for just $1 a month?

173. My word is my bond, sir.

174. Due to the fact the state wouldn't bond me

175. or insure me.

176. Mmm-hmm.

177. Yeah, of course, the invoice will say $2,000,

178. but that's just procedure.

179. I think we've got ourselves a deal.

180. I read your manual,

181. and as an official employee of the prison system,

182. I now qualify to be the executioner.

183. Yeah, where's old sparky?

184. Old sparky's been put out to pasture

185. we use lethal injection.

186. Ok, then where's old squirty?

187. Dead is dead. I don't care how we get there.

188. Mr. Gribble, generally we choose

189. one of the guards to be the executioner

190. and there's a rather long list of volunteers already.

191. Put me on it. Please, please, please.

192. Well, all right. You'll be number 129.

193. Wingo!

194. I'm gonna kill a killer?

195. I'm gonna kill a killer?

196. Mom, you're covering up my essay

197. on why pollution is bad.

198. It got a "shows improvement."

199. Sorry, bobby, but I guess

200. we're just gonna have to murder somebody

201. if we want your mom's attention.

202. ok.

203. hey, sam.

204. hold it.

205. Oh, yeah!

206. Wes, you're supposed to start finding words.

207. Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill.

208. I'm just not used to such creative teaching.

209. Hey, don't you dare touch her!

210. You leave Mrs. Hill alone!

211. no, stop it!

212. she's too good for you! She's teaching me to read!

213. Oh, good god.

214. ?

215. excuse me. Do you know if these gloves

216. are good for killing a man?

217. it was only 3 days in the pit.

218. I thought the guard was gonna touch your..

219. Bottom.

220. Oh, I tried to tell them that you meant no harm,

221. but they would not listen.

222. Heck. They're all as dumb as a bucket of dirt.

223. Anyway, that's why they hate boggle.

224. They hate boggle?

225. Only because we love boggle

226. when I was little, my meema played

227. on her boggle set all the time.

228. I just watched, being illiterate and all,

229. but I dreamed of someday playing on that set.

230. Peggy, if you get me my boggle set,

231. you could make that dream come true.

232. I am a dream weaver.

233. so, jennette, I did not realize

234. they allowed wesley conjugal visits.

235. wes better get the whole set.

236. Oh, rock me, amadeus!

237. Now, wes, you shake the letters,

238. not the timer.

239. oh, right.

240. All right, who covered wes' drawing with this crap?

241. Uh, peggy, I just thought that

242. maybe if you saw some happy pictures

243. you might do happy things, like not visiting death row.

244. Let me paint you a happy picture, hank.

245. A broken-down, illiterate man

246. e with nothing but death staring him in the fac

247. , spells out the word "party " with his family boggle set

248. and then he croons white christmas to me

249. as I leave his cell for the day.

250. Now, that is a happy picture, hank.

251. And then everybody started fighting,

252. and the guards were in there just a-swinging their clubs.

253. And I—I couldn't get to the boggle set in time.

254. It was ruined?

255. Oh, just the timer

256. jennette will give you a new one

257. wes is a little slow.

258. He needs more time.

259. Well, you realize

260. that this is not a regulation timer

261. oh.

262. ok.

263. I know it was stupid, but we were playing

264. out in the yard and the top fell off.

265. Jennette will give you some more timer sand.

266. What about using a watch?

267. Peggy, that's not real boggle.

268. well, this should certainl y last him a while.

269. ] ? [humming

270. you're not writing, wes.

271. All right. I'm gonna give you one tiny hint.

272. Oh, rats! There's tar on my star-art.

273. wes, what is it?

274. I, uh, I can't let the guard see me cry.

275. If they sense some weakness-

276. Guard, could you pleas e give us some space?

277. You are inhibiting his wordplay.

278. I have something to tell you.

279. Can you hear me?

280. I can hear you

281. good.

282. Peggy, all this timer sand you've been bringing me—

283. Oh, don't mention that

284. this is coke, peggy.

285. You've been smuggling me cocaine.

286. That's a federal offense. And you know what?

287. You're gonna bring me more of it.

288. Is this some kind of a—

289. How stupid can you be?

290. I never had you as a teacher. I grew up in arkansas.

291. I'm almost 40 for cripe's sakes!

292. I wrote every teacher in the arlen yearbook.

293. You were the only sap dumb enough to answer.

294. g So all that about bein

295. the only positive influence on you—

296. Here's what you're gonna do.

297. You're going to bring me

298. a brick of cocaine every week.

299. And that's not all.

300. You know what else I want, peggy hill?

301. 2 times a month...

302. My sloppy joe is all sloppy and no joe.

303. I forgot to add the meat.

304. How could I be so freaking stupid?

305. Luanne, bobby, why don't you go

306. get some money from my purse and go out for pizza?

307. oh, hank!

308. It's so awful!

309. Hank, I've been smuggling cocaine in to wes.

310. Smuggling cocaine?

311. That's got to be illegal, peggy.

312. Well, I thought it was boggle sand.

313. Now he's making all kinds of demands.

314. "one box of pornography, a jug of corn liquor,

315. "a farrah fawcett poster,

316. "a milwaukee sawzall,

317. and a brick of cocaine on every tuesday."

318. well, he certainly revealed his true colors.

319. I don't think you'll be going back to see him again.

320. Hank, I have to or he will turn me in.

321. They will send me to jail.

322. I guess you're happy now.

323. You get to say, "I told you so."

324. jerk.

325. look, don't panic.

326. He's not gonna turn you in He's just bluffing.

327. He has nothing to gain

328. well, he has nothing to lose either.

329. Hank, there's no row after death row.

330. that's wes. Don't answer it.

331. I'll handle this. Murderers are just bullies

332. if you stand up to them, they always crumble.

333. This is hank hill.

334. You, huh?

335. Well, you're not getting any more

336. of your funny timer sand

337. and you're gonna leave my wife alone.

338. Uh-huh.

339. No, your ass is mine because we've got a plan.

340. Sure we do. It's a terrific plan.

341. We discarded 2 perfectly good plans

342. when we came up with this great one.

343. Why didn't you tell me about our terrific plan?

344. Peggy, I made that up.

345. And the other 2 plans?

346. Uh, he says if he doesn't get his coke by noon tuesday,

347. he's gonna turn you in just for fun.

348. Look, just go to the warden,

349. and tell him you were naiv e and that wes tricked you.

350. I can't.

351. They made me watch a short film

352. about the danger of smuggling things in to the prisoners.

353. It was called don't be a mule.

354. I even got 100% on the tes t they gave me afterwards.

355. Well, you can't smuggl e any more drugs in,

356. that's for sure.

357. Hey, what would happen if we just gave wes

358. a brick of regular timer sand?

359. Well, we can't do that.

360. He is going to deal this batch

361. to the aryan brotherhood.

362. If they think he tried to pull a fast one—

363. They would make a pincushion out of him.

364. Unless he tastes it.

365. He always tasted the timer sand when I brought it in.

366. I didn't think anything of it at the time

367. he always said it was very good timer sand.

368. "primo."

369. well, it's 12:40. I think you're in the clear.

370. Well, maybe the phone isn't working.

371. Hank, there's no dial tone.

372. Oh! Hello? Well, this is the freakiest thing.

373. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I was just—

374. Yes, warden, I understand. I will be there.

375. Ok. He wants me to come in and explain myself tomorrow.

376. Well, I guess I'd better make bobby's lunch

377. for the next 2 to 5 years.

378. what's going on?

379. huh? Uh, nothing.

380. Hey, who's in the mood for some fun?

381. look, mom, gilda's trapped in a fortress,

382. but I'm gonna break her free.

383. oh, my sweet, swee t little boy.

384. Uh, peggy, I, uh..

385. How're you set for quarters?

386. No, that's—that's not what I meant to say.

387. Uh, look, you said the other day

388. you've never had a positive impact on anybody's life.

389. Well, I want you to know that you have.

390. I-I'd hate to think where bobby, luanne, and I

391. would be without you.

392. come on. Those moles aren't gonna whack themselves.

393. Uh, go!

394. it is my destiny to be the nameless,

395. faceless executioner.

396. But do not fear me,

397. for I am just part of the circle of life.

398. The last part.

399. made you flinch.

400. Lunch!

401. e mrs. Hill, did you smuggle cocain

402. ? into my prison

403. I came to this prison to make an impact, to help.

404. Help how? By getting me hooked?

405. Do you give all your students drugs?

406. That's not the right way to motivate us.

407. I never meant to—

408. Tell him, peggy.

409. Tell him about the boggle timer.

410. Stop rushing me.

411. Come clean. Tell him the truth.

412. I came here to tell the truth.

413. I would never dream of telling anything else.

414. I never saw this man before in my life.

415. And—and what I mean by that is

416. I did not bring him cocaine.

417. I would like to please see the evidence against me.

418. But there's no cocaine in there.

419. In fact, it looks like it's been licked clean

420. well, I—I had a little bit left this morning

421. but this was an important meeting.

422. I wanted to be up for it.

423. So, this is the only evidence against me?

424. It should be enough.

425. I didn't bring in a thing.

426. I swear to god she smuggled cocaine in to me!

427. So, uh, I guess it's this convict's word

428. against my wife's.

429. Now, let's see. Who can we trust?

430. Peggy, have you ever decapitated anyone?

431. No, I don't believe I have. How about you, wes?

432. g have you ever done anythin

433. that caused a man's head to come off?

434. well, I guess someone owes me an apology.

435. I wouldn't hold your breath.

436. d I don't think wes even apologize

437. for those people he killed.

438. I was talking about you.

439. Oh! I'm sorry.

440. Well, do you even know what you're apologizing for?

441. No. I'm sorry, but I don't.

442. I accept.

443. You apologized because you said

444. I couldn't take care of myself, and I can.

445. So there. All right.

446. I thought it had something to do

447. with the prison.

448. all sloppy and no joe.