King of the Hill 3x21

Directed by

Mary Tyler Moore as Reverend Karen Stroup (voice) • Maurice LaMarche as Fire Chief / Reverend Thomason (voice)

Arlen's new minister is a woman, which everyone except Cotton seems to accept. When Bobby eats all of a Midwestern fish dish prepared by the minister, it somehow leads to him accidentally burning down the church. Everyone assumes that Cotton did it, and he is arrested for a hate crime.

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1. so I told that state trooper:

2. "ignorance of the lord is no excuse either."

3. ?

4. well, that was quick.

5. Yeah, well, the winston cup's on at noon

6. and rev. Thomasson always wraps it up

7. in plenty of time.

8. And now, friends, I'm sad to say

9. that I've decided to retir e from arlen first methodist

10. retire? The man works half a day a week.

11. After much reflection and soul-searching,

12. I've decided

13. that the future of god is on the internet.

14. to every online soul in the world

15. unless you have a.o.l.

16. I'll be hosting a potluck dinner on saturday

17. to welcome your new minister...

18. The new guy had better like sports.

19. Rev. Karen stroup.

20. a woman.

21. So, it's up and running.

22. The secret lab in the basement

23. of the harvard divinity school

24. where they ordain women surgically.

25. The pebble beach celebrity golf pro-am is this sunday.

26. If this gal's sermon runs late,

27. you know how women like to talk,

28. we're gonna miss matt lauer's opening drive.

29. You know what I think? I think god sent

30. a female minister here to punish me.

31. First single gal to move to arlen in years,

32. and she's forbidden to marry.

33. Uh, bill, ministers can marry.

34. oh!

35. thank you, god.

36. Wait till cotton finds out about this female man of god.

37. I almost hesitate to fax it to him.

38. That's not gonna happen, dale

39. I told you to stop sending my dad the gribble report

40. you tell me a lot of things, hank,

41. most of which I publish.

42. Now, bobby, honey, let's try to make

43. rev. Stroup feel very welcome, ok?

44. Some people, they just cannot accept

45. women in positions of real authority.

46. I remember my first day

47. as a 4th-grade substitute teacher.

48. look! There she is!

49. I'm a successful tire distributor.

50. Back me up.

51. ?

52. hello, reverend.

53. I am peggy hill,

54. and this is peggy hill's frito pie.

55. It is a traditional texas recipe

56. that I found on a bag of fritos.

57. Well, peggy hill.

58. Peggy hill, peggy hill, peggy hill , good.

59. You are in for a real treat.

60. I've prepared a little taste of minnesot a called lutefisk.

61. It's a scandinavia n delicacy

62. made by baking codfish in a solution of lye

63. until the bones become gelatinous.

64. oh, what? Ok, honey,

65. we'll—we'll—we'll be right there.

66. Oh, my husband is dying to meet you.

67. hank hill, hank hill, hank hill. Good.

68. So, your first sermon tomorrow.

69. heh, You nervous?

70. Yeah, a little.

71. Me, too. You see, the pebble beach pro-am is on at 1:30,

72. and my v.c.r. Doesn't always work.

73. Oh, that could be a problem.

74. The quarterback challenge is on at 1:15.

75. Don't wanna Miss that.

76. You're a football fan?

77. Let's just say between god and the vikings,

78. sunday's not my day of rest.

79. well, you might be all right.

80. seriously, though, how are you fixed for propane?

81. this stuff stinks.

82. when I found out

83. I'd been assigned to a church in texas,

84. I was a little worried.

85. A lot of female ministers

86. don't last too long down here.

87. Yeah, it gets pretty hot in the summer.

88. Hank, let me ask you something.

89. Do you like fish?

90. Only catching 'em, gutting 'em, and eating 'em.

91. just a taste, hank.

92. I want everyone in the congregation to have some lutefisk

93. and I only made enough for 30.

94. My lutefisk! Where—where's my lutefisk?

95. I put it right here between the frito pie and the frito pie.

96. Has anyone seen it?

97. maybe you put it on the dessert table

98. next to my lemon bars.

99. well, it's not here.

100. Can everyone help me look?

101. I found it!

102. Did anyone get to try some?

103. Someone just threw it out?

104. That's right.I found it in the trash.

105. Oh, poor rev. Stroup, huh?

106. Just seeing how much people enjoyed my frito pie

107. must have, well, must have been salt in her wounds.

108. It's sort of an odd way to attack a gal,

109. to throw out her favorite fish.

110. Mmm-hmm.

111. But I doubt that there is anything

112. that could have hurt that woman more.

113. let's go. If we get to church late,

114. we'll have to park in the dirt lot.

115. I met y'all last night.

116. I know you are good people, decent people.

117. I'm not going to judge the whole town

118. based on the sins of one lost soul.

119. I'm not even going to judg e that one person

120. because I still don't know who it is.

121. well, it was worth a shot.

122. Please open your bibles to mark 6:41.

123. "and the 2 fishes

124. "divided he among them all

125. "and they did all eat, and were filled.

126. "and they took up 12 baskets

127. full of the fragments, and of the fishes."

128. Mom, I left a shoe in the car.

129. Be right back.

130. let us pray.

131. ?

132. what did I miss? Did she dance yet?

133. How did he find out about this?

134. psst, colonel,I saved you a seat

135. here is another minnesota tradition

136. that's not so easy to throw in the garbage.

137. Let's everyone rise

138. and hug the person next to you.

139. leave it to a woman

140. to turn god's house into a love shack.

141. Permission to hug you, colonel?

142. Denied! Go hug your wife.

143. I can't.

144. She's hugging the person next to her

145. looks like you nee d someone to hug.

146. Looks like you need to read your bible.

147. And I quote,"women should remain silent in the churches.

148. "they are not allowed to speak,

149. but must be in submission." Corinthians.

150. Yes, but in the book of—

151. Billy graham, man,

152. jimmy swaggart, man, karen stroup—

153. ! enough

154. if you hurt this woman , this single woman,

155. and you take her away from me,

156. I promise I will strike you down.

157. I made my point.

158. If you need me,

159. I'll be in the one part of this church

160. that's still men's only.

161. I'm sorry. I ate all the lutefisk

162. why did you have to taste so good?

163. why?

164. mercy! Mister, what did you eat?

165. ah, forget it.

166. I'll take my business elsewhere.

167. (man) hello.

168. Hello.

169. Is anyone in there?

170. Hello.

171. ? Are you ok

172. oh.

173. ?

174. what's that smell?

175. Nothing.

176. Wait a minute. I know that smell.

177. fire!

178. oh, god! Oh, god!

179. Please don't let it be the propane tanks.

180. I just spoke to the arson investigator.

181. His investigation points to arson!

182. someone did this

183. because they don't want a woman minister.

184. To him I say:

185. "you can burn down our church,

186. "but you cannot burn down our faith.

187. "our faith is the kind of stuff that

188. children's pajamas should be made of."

189. why would someone want

190. to burn down our church?

191. Honey, they weren't trying to burn down our church.

192. They were trying to kill rev. Stroup.

193. The fire started in a garbage can in the men's room.

194. and I read in the paper that the flames were so hot,

195. they literally burned the very wood the church was made of.

196. Bobby, you haven't even touched your arroz con chicken.

197. I'm not eating ever again.

198. I don't blame you.

199. I ate bugs in the war tasted better than this.

200. actually, cotton,

201. I think he's upset about what happened to the church.

202. It burnt down.

203. I feel so bad.

204. it's not your fault, honey.

205. Whoever committed this hate crime

206. is the one who should starve himself to death, not you.

207. oh.

208. our sweet, sweet little, sensitive little boy.

209. He feels everything so deeply,

210. like a poet.

211. A cowboy poet.

212. It is with a heavy heart that I welcome you

213. to this interfaith prayer service.

214. protestant and catholic, jew and buddhist,

215. man and woman,

216. we are all brought together today by hate.

217. Oh, I hate hate.

218. Hate that throws out my lutefisk.

219. Hate that burns down our church.

220. Hate that makes an innocent little boy stop eating.

221. That's right.

222. Would bobby hill please come up to the microphone?

223. Go on, honey. It'll be ok.

224. Psst. Minh, minh.

225. ] [makes clicking noises

226. bobby, the strength of your devotion

227. is an inspiration to us all.

228. That's why I want you to be the first to know

229. the police have found the matchbook

230. that started the fire

231. and are closing in on the arsonist

232. bobby!

233. (man) what happened to that boy?

234. For the sake of this poor, tortured soul,

235. please help us find the man

236. responsible for this hate crime.

237. If you know anyone who might carry

238. a matchbook from a strip club in houston,

239. tell the police.

240. The matchbook came from a strip club in houston.

241. A strip club in houston, hank. A strip—

242. My father did not burn down the church.

243. Lots of guys go to strip clubs in houston.

244. Oh, and also go to church in arlen

245. where they harass female ministers?

246. Then announce they're goin g to the men's room

247. where a fire is started with matches from a strip club

248. in houston?

249. gribble! Gribble!

250. You gotta help me.

251. They found my girly bar matches.

252. It's only a matter of time

253. before they accuse me of church-burnery.

254. Colonel,I would be honored

255. if you used my phone to claim responsibility.

256. But I didn't do it, you idiot.

257. The evidence suggests otherwise.

258. They've got your matchbook

259. and it won't be long before I turn you in.

260. ok. Here's how it went down.

261. I tried to go to the latrine,

262. but there was already a man in there.

263. I lit one match in self-defense,

264. and then beat a hasty retreat.

265. The smelly man must have set the fire after I left.

266. Find the man with the terrible smell,

267. and you'll have your arsonist.

268. Sir, your only hope is to make a run for it.

269. wake up, hank.

270. going somewhere?

271. Now, why don't you just turn around,

272. go back to bed, and no one gets hurt.

273. quick! You got s to hide me!

274. we know you're in there.

275. Come out with your hands up.

276. cotton hill, you're under arrest for arson.

277. You got the wrong man.

278. Let me down!

279. Mom, he didn't start the fire.

280. He couldn't have.

281. Bobby!

282. Grandpa!

283. I didn't do it.

284. I believe you.

285. It was somebody else.

286. I know.

287. Look for the man with the terrible smell.

288. He's the one you want.

289. You hear me? The man with the terrible smell.

290. I'll Miss you.

291. ok, show's over. Nothing to see here.

292. Everyone go home.

293. it's a circus out there.

294. By now, it's all over town

295. my dad is an arsonist.

296. Well, I don't know why you're so surprised.

297. I have always said that man is capable of anything.

298. Before, people used to look away

299. or pretend not to hear me.

300. But now, they will all have to nod in agreement.

301. Yes, they will.

302. Even if grandp a did do it,

303. it doesn't mean he's a bad person.

304. Bobby,I've always stood by my dad,

305. no matter what.

306. And there's been a lot of what over the years.

307. But burning down a church,

308. I just don't know.

309. But he's still your father,

310. no matter what, right?

311. well, I know you can disown a child.

312. There must be something like that for a parent.

313. I'd like a one-way ticket to mexico, por favor.

314. That means today.

315. bobby?

316. Grandma didi?

317. Oh, bobby,

318. I just came in from houston.

319. Cotton is in jail.

320. I know. Are you here to bail him out?

321. There's no bail.

322. He's burned down a church.

323. Now our baby is going to grow u p without a father.

324. Not your and my baby, cotton's and my baby.

325. I feel so bad. It was an accident.

326. I know it was an accident.

327. Why can't they just leave him alone

328. and forget about it?

329. This baby was an accident, too,

330. but if I forgot about it,

331. it would never get born.

332. I think you have to be responsible for your accidents

333. cotton thinks so, too.

334. At least he stopped saying he didn't.

335. Really?

336. He said if the baby turned out as good as you, bobby,

337. then he will not abandon it

338. cotton, you have got to confess.

339. You will feel better, and I will feel better

340. they're offering you a good deal.

341. Cop to the hate crime,

342. and they'll drop the 123 counts of attempted murder.

343. No deals!

344. I'm not taking a fall for the smelly man.

345. Dang it, dad! There is no smelly man. Now—

346. Now you listen to me.

347. I spent 2 weeks on iwo jima

348. buried under a pile of bodies.

349. The things I smelled, you can't even imagine.

350. I'll never forget

351. what I smelled that day in the church.

352. It was a vengeful stink.

353. It was a stink for the ages.

354. I will tell you what stinks, old man.

355. Your story stinks.

356. grandpa, dad, mom.

357. it was—

358. It was me!

359. It's all my fault.

360. I ate the lutefisk.

361. I got sick in the bathroom.

362. I lit the matches.

363. I burned down the church.

364. I let everyone blame grandpa.

365. I told you I didn't do it

366. your boy is the man with the terrible smell

367. oh!

368. I knew it.

369. I knew this was too good to be true.

370. Bobby, you are going to march down that hall

371. and tell the police everything.

372. See if maybe they will spare your grandfather's life.

373. ok.

374. Nobody's going no place.

375. Sit down, hank , hank's wife.

376. You, too, stinky.

377. Hey, don't call him that.

378. Oh, I'm sorry.

379. Did I hurt your feelings, stinky?

380. Grandpa.

381. It don't feel so good, does it?

382. Well, get used to it.

383. 'cause that's what everyone's gonna call you

384. if you go blabbing to the police.

385. Stinky!

386. He's right. Oh, lord!

387. And there are other names, too.

388. Yeah. How about "arsonist"?

389. That's what they'll be calling him

390. in state of texas v. Bobby hill.

391. So many names. What are we gonna do?

392. You'll do what I say, is what are you gonna do.

393. Now get the cops in here.

394. Tell them I'm ready to confess.

395. No, dad, you can't.

396. I'm an old man. Everybody already hates me

397. but bobby, he's just a child.

398. He's got his whole life ahead of him.

399. Cotton, do you know what you're saying?

400. if I can take a bullet for my grandson, I'll do it.

401. But not in the face.

402. That's how I make my livings.

403. How you make your—

404. Send them in!

405. I'll tell you what I told the cops.

406. I'm the one who burned down your church.

407. But it was an accident.

408. As for the man with the terrible smell,

409. well, that was me, too.

410. I'm old,I gots no shins,

411. my plumbing don't work so good no more.

412. I blamed the fire on someone else

413. because I was embarrassed by my own terrible smell.

414. t-the digestive problems of the elderly are their cross to bear,

415. and we should pity them, not condemn them.

416. oh.

417. Cotton hill, you have my forgiveness and my love.

418. And I invite the entire congregation

419. to offer you their forgiveness and love

420. with a hug.

421. I forgive you.

422. ] [moans

423. mom, as long as we're confessing,

424. remember when grandpa broke the arm of your boggle trophy

425. 'cause he was playing soccer in the house?

426. I will never forgive him for that.

427. It was me.

428. I forgive you.

429. ?

430. but not in the face.

431. That's how I make my livings.