1. Kid, where's your hall pass?
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2. You got me.
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3. My name is Ramon Tavares.
I'm in Mr. Powell's class.
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4. Ramon Tavares?
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5. Why does your lunch bag say "Bobby Hill"?
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6. Because we can't spell Ramon...
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7. What did I say?
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8. All right. Get going, Ramon.
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9. - Bobby Hill!
- Yeah?
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10. You're good.
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11. Yup.
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12. - Yup.
- Yup.
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13. They dumped it right where we stand.
That's where we stand.
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14. Why would somebody leave a couch
behind my house?
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15. I know how it got here.
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16. One of them firefighting planes
scooped it up out of Lake Arlen.
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17. You're not talking
about that dang old urban legend, man.
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18. It's like that toothbrush
up that man's bottom.
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19. That true, too. That happened to me.
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20. Look, treasure.
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21. A rubber band and a sugar cube.
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22. Have a little pride, Bill.
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23. if we eat their garbage,
we're not much better than they are.
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24. Probably had a coffee table.
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25. if this old couch could talk,
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26. My name? My name is Hank Taxpayer...
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27. and I want that couch removed.
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28. There are people who stand in that alley.
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29. We talk.
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30. That's not really your business, is it?
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31. Sports, mostly, you know.
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32. Guys, you've got to see this.
Bobby, do that walk again.
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33. Okay.
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34. What are you talking about?
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35. What are you talking about?
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36. What's so funny about that?
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37. It's adult humor, Connie.
I don't even get some of it.
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38. It could be weeks
before the city comes and hauls this away.
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39. What? You say something, Hank?
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40. This is ridiculous.
I say we get rid of the couch ourselves.
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41. - What are you doing?
- I'm drinking beer.
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42. I'm sitting on the couch, and I'm outside.
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43. I'm just going to take a break.
Five minutes, that's all.
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44. Man, don't sit like a bunch of
dang old lazy couch jockeys sitting there.
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45. Look up there in the sky, man,
That dang old,
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46. Sorry. I don't want to be
no dang old Lucky Pierre, man.
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47. Come on, Hank.
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48. All right. But if I don't like it,
I'm standing right back up.
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49. Hello?
Hi, can I speak to Bobby, please?
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50. I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.
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51. Who was it, Dad?
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52. A girl asking for someone named Bobby.
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53. Oh.
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54. Hello?
Hi, Does Bobby Hill live there?
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55. Hold on a second.
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56. Son, it's one of your friends
playing a prank.
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57. Hey, Joseph.
Bobby, it's Marie,
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58. Oh. Hey!
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59. A bunch of us are going to hang out
at the mall, Wanna come?
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60. I did have a prior engagement,
but I can always tape it.
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61. What are you going to get, Marie?
I don't eat anything with a head.
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62. I'm a vegetarian, Bobby.
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63. - I don't eat meat.
- My dad says...
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64. if God didn't want us to eat meat,
He wouldn't have invented steak sauce.
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65. Your dad says that?
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66. Once.
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67. Did you know that the average person
consumes 500 chickens?
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68. That's enough chickens
to feed a whole starving village.
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69. But they shouldn't eat them.
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70. Because that's bad.
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71. - I'll have the chopped salad, please.
- And I'll have the BLT, please.
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72. - That has bacon, Bobby.
- Bacon doesn't have a head on it.
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73. Could you make that an LT, please?
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74. Tonight was fun.
My friends think you're a riot.
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75. I really was choking at the food court,
but don't tell them that.
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76. There's a couch in the alley.
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77. Sit down.
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78. - You want to kiss?
- I'll try anything once.
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79. I didn't think I'd like fruit pies,
but then I tried one...
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80. and if your kiss is anything
like a fruit pie, I'm sure—
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81. All right. See you around.
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82. Mom, Dad, did you see the sunrise
this morning?
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83. It was the same color
as my girlfriend Marie's hair.
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84. Here's your coffee, sweetmeat.
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85. Reminds me of my girlfriend Marie.
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86. She likes to drink her coffee black, too.
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87. Looks like they'll finally
cut down the big oak tree...
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88. in the middle of the ball park.
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89. I'm not sure what my girlfriend Marie
thinks about that. I'll ask her.
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90. All right, Bobby, I'll bite.
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91. Why do you keep saying
the word "girlfriend"?
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92. Because I have a girlfriend.
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93. Bobby has a girlfriend? All right, son.
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94. She's real, right?
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95. I mean, she's not imaginary
or on a cereal box or anything, is she?
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96. - No.
- All right.
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97. I assume that she's your girlfriend...
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98. just like Joseph is your boyfriend.
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99. Peggy, Joseph is not Bobby's boyfriend.
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100. Red alert! The garbage truck's here!
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101. You're not taking it!
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102. Can you ask this gentleman
to get off the couch, so we can do our job?
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103. Bill, don't move a muscle.
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104. Good work, Bill.
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105. All right, but if you leave it out,
somebody's going to haul it away.
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106. Go to hell.
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107. Let's go.
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108. What do you want to do, guys?
Let's go bike riding.
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109. - That's boring.
- Yeah, that's a little boring, Connie.
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110. Maybe there's something else
we all could do?
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111. We could go shopping for clothes
at the mall.
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112. That's a great idea.
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113. For quality purposes, some portions
of this conversation may be recorded.
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114. Gribble residence.
Hey, Dale,
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115. I just phoned to talk about the couch.
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116. You know, just thinking about the couch.
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117. Bill, this is so strange.
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118. I was just about to call you
about the couch.
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119. Yeah? You know the only thing
better than talking about the couch?
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120. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
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121. - I'll see you out there!
- All right.
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122. Wonder where your friends are.
I don't know.
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123. They were following us to the mall
and then they were gone.
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124. Look, the couch. You want to kiss?
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125. No, I got to go.
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126. You know, Marie...
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127. the other night when you wanted to kiss,
I didn't feel like it...
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128. but I did it anyway.
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129. You have to respect my needs, too.
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130. Okay, whatever.
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131. Bobby?
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132. Okay, Bobby, I got to go.
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133. Good night, Marie.
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134. Can I have some rice
and plain toast, please?
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135. My girlfriend Marie's a vegetarian,
and she says—
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136. There it is.
I knew this was too good to be true.
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137. So? She's a vegetarian.
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138. She still likes lots of things I like.
Like kissing, for instance.
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139. My word. Hank, talk to the boy.
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140. Bobby...
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141. vegetarians can't be trusted.
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142. Just last week,
we caught one of them siphoning gas...
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143. - out of a company truck—
- No, I was talking about the kissing.
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144. - He's too young.
- You would think that...
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145. but I am such a good kisser, Mom.
Marie says so.
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146. You should have seen it.
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147. She bent my head back, she put her hand—
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148. Bobby, you are only 12.
You should be afraid of girls.
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149. You're just jealous because
you aren't as in love as me and Marie.
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150. I really don't think you can compare
a two-day infatuation...
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151. to a 20-year marriage.
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152. I bet Marie and me have kissed more
in two days...
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153. than you have in your whole marriage.
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154. You know, I don't think
I've ever seen you guys kiss.
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155. - Your father has kissed me.
- Peggy!
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156. I'm not afraid to show my love. You are.
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157. Your father and I have done things
you can't even imagine.
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158. Peggy, please.
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159. Uh...
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160. I'm flattered that you asked me
to help you with your algebra homework.
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161. Actually, Luanne, I don't need you
to teach me algebra.
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162. Thank God!
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163. Well...
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164. As you know, Bobby has a girlfriend.
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165. Bobby has a girlfriend, and I know it?
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166. Yes, and well...
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167. it's made me realize
that I really like Bobby.
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168. What should I do?
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169. if you and Bobby are meant to be,
then it'll happen.
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170. I mean, Buckley and I weren't meant to be,
and that's why he blew up.
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171. Excuse me. I have an outside couch.
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172. What do you have
to keep the squirrels away?
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173. I'll check.
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174. What are you doing?
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175. Hank, remember how we
used to hold hands in broad daylight?
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176. Come on, honey, hold my hand.
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177. I wish I could, but my hands are full, see?
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178. I guess Bobby was right.
Maybe we are afraid to show our love.
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179. All right.
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180. Get a room, you two.
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181. What did you do to my old couch?
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182. We're not falling for it, Kahn.
This was not yours.
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183. I got rid of it after a neighborhood cat
came inside and peed all over it.
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184. Tried to dump it in front of Gribble's yard,
but Minh cut her leg on a tack...
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185. so we dump it here.
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186. I get it. He's seen what we've done with it,
now he wants it back.
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187. You crazy! I don't want it back.
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188. I got an old pair of boxer shorts
you can use as a tea cozy. Want that, too?
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189. Hey, is Bobby home?
Who are you?
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190. I'm Marie.
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191. How old are you?
14.
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192. 14? I don't know what
Bobby's been telling you, but he's only 12.
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193. He's been telling me lots of things.
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194. How come
you never hold your wife's hand?
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195. See you later, Dad.
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196. Bobby's Marie is 14 years old.
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197. What? Oh, God.
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198. That means when she was three,
our Bobby was only one.
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199. It makes me sick just thinking about it.
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200. Is this a make-out party?
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201. Because if it is, I'm prepared for that.
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202. Look, if the lady doesn't want to dance,
don't make her dance.
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203. - Come on, kid. Move out of the way.
- Bobby, move.
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204. Marie!
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205. Bobby, what are you doing?
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206. Why were you dancing
with those guys?
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207. I don't know.
I like dancing, I wanted to dance.
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208. Who were those guys?
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209. Why were you dancing with all those guys?
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210. Bobby, they're friends.
We were just dancing.
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211. What about us?
You are supposed to dance with just me...
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212. and maybe some of your girlfriends,
but mostly just me!
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213. What? This is getting way too intense.
We're only friends.
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214. I thought we were more than that!
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215. You're a funny guy.
You make me laugh. That's all.
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216. But we kissed.
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217. Yes, and looking back now,
maybe that was a mistake.
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218. Mistake?
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219. That was the single most important thing
in my life.
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220. Look, I don't think
we should hang out together anymore.
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221. Just tell me why you were dancing
with all those guys!
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222. Goodbye, Bobby.
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223. You kissed me.
That means we're back together again.
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224. Marie, come back.
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225. Look, I'm doing your favorite comedy bit.
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226. What are you talking about?
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227. What are you talking about?
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228. What are you talking about?
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229. Somebody push you off your bike, son?
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230. Marie broke up with me.
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231. - It doesn't feel so good, does it, son?
- No.
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232. I guess your love wasn't as strong
as your father's and mine, was it?
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233. No, it wasn't.
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234. I kissed Marie on this couch.
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235. That's not what this couch is for.
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236. Yeah, you know
you have to put it to a vote...
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237. if you want a family member
to use the couch.
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238. All right.
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239. I know it's not good
when a girl breaks your heart.
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240. It's only natural to be sad.
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241. But the couch is a happy place.
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242. He stopped crying.
That's a step in the right direction.
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243. The boy's taste in music
is getting better, too.
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244. Mom, I'm never going to make
anyone laugh ever again.
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245. I don't want to be a prop comic,
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246. No, Ladybird, not now.
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247. Look at it this way.
Tonight you're going out on a date...
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248. with your parents.
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249. And we know how you like going out
with people older than you.
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250. I'm on a date with my two favorite men.
Look at me.
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251. A cup of rice, plain toast...
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252. and I'll help myself to the salad bar.
Thank you.
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253. Is that her?
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254. Now it all makes sense.
She looks exactly like me.
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255. Dad, I want to go home.
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256. You can't let her get to you, son.
if you leave, she wins.
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257. And dating is all about
who wins and who loses.
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258. Yee-haw!
Welcome to The Panhandler.
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259. Would any of you fine folks...
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260. care to take on
our 72-ounce top sirloin steak?
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261. Finish it in an hour and it's free.
No, thank you.
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262. Yes, I would.
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263. That's a lot of meat, son.
What happened to being a vegetarian?
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264. And I want it rare.
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265. All right, Bobby! Let's go!
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266. Okay, the rules are simple.
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267. No one is allowed to help you
chew or cut the meat.
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268. And if you get sick before the finish,
the contest is over.
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269. Good luck. Let's give him
a little encouragement, folks!
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270. Attaboy. You can do it, son.
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271. Shovel it in, honey.
Don't be afraid to use all your teeth.
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272. That's it.
36 down, only 36 ounces to go, son.
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273. Tame that slab of beef.
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274. You're just making
a fool of yourself, Bobby.
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275. Nobody's impressed.
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276. - Come on, kid. Slice and swallow.
- A steak-eating machine.
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277. Come on, Mom, Dad. We're leaving.
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278. Thank you, Arlen.
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279. You two, I'm trying to eat.
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280. Son, the worst part's over.
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281. Now you'll realize just how silly...
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282. The couch is gone! No!
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283. We didn't even get a chance
to say goodbye.
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284. - Hi, Bobby.
- Hey, Connie.
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285. Are you okay?
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286. Me and Marie just broke up.
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287. You're taking it pretty hard.
You must've really liked her a lot.
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288. No, I just ate a 72-ounce steak dinner
in 37 minutes.
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289. When you finish, you want to come over
to my house and watch some television?
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290. It doesn't have to be television,
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291. Why, I don't know, Dale.
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292. No, I didn't see a thing,
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293. I bet the city hauled it away.
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294. I know, Dale. I miss it, too.
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295. Maybe it's all for the best.
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296. We were starting to depend
on that couch too much.
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297. Yeah, it's probably...
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298. all for the best.
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299. Morning, Dale.
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300. Hi, John Redcorn.
Dale.
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301. Morning, John Redcorn.
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302. Peggy. Just dropping off
a new healing herb for Nancy...
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303. to help with her migraines. Ginkgo biloba.
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304. Yeah, sure, I've heard of that.
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305. Well, you must be reading Doyle Harcavy.
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306. What's he got for us this morning?
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307. "When it comes to starting the day,
nothing wakes me up faster than coffee."
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308. Boy, he's got that right.
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309. "They say children are a blessing,
but mine are holy terrors."
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310. Doyle Harcavy knows children.
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311. Of course, his daughter
jumped out a window.
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312. I don't believe it. Doyle Harcavy
is retiring from the musings column.
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313. No.
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314. He's going to write product descriptions
for Bradley Air and Heat.
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315. - I don't know how they'll ever replace him.
- I know how.
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316. You can write that column, Aunt Peggy.
You're a natural.
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317. Now, Luanne, Peggy has a musing
now and then...
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318. but Doyle Harcavy is a musing machine.
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319. I think I could do it
as well as anyone else could.
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320. I play Boggle, and that takes verbal ability.
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321. And I'm always making observations
all day long.
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322. - Really? Go ahead. Come up with one.
- You mean right now?
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323. Okay. All right. Well, let's see.
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324. I like milk.
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325. Hey, that's the best so far.
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326. Do one about cookies.
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327. No.
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328. Stupid.
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329. Too obvious,
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330. Why don't you try some out on me?
Give me your five best.
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331. I cannot work with you coming in here
every two hours and yelling at me.
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332. I'm going to Nancy's.
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333. Nancy.
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334. Nancy!
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335. Hello.
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336. Where are you?
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337. Nancy,
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338. Nancy.
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339. There you are. Hello, John Redcorn.
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340. Yes, we were just back here.
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341. I just had to get out of that house.
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342. I am trying to do some creative work,
and Hank seems to think...
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343. that he's helping by making me
more and more stressed-out.
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344. It is giving me a whopping headache.
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345. Yes. Headaches can often
be caused by stress.
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346. Of course, John Redcorn.
You're a licensed New Age healer.
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347. Why don't I try a healing session with you?
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348. I guess that would be all right. It is my job.
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349. That would be great.
Okay, I'll call you for an appointment.
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350. That was awkward.
What kind of game is she playing?
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351. Sug', I don't think she knows about us.
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352. Peggy's got such a trusting nature.
She always believes the best in people.
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353. You know, all of a sudden, I feel dirty.
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354. I'm gonna take a shower.
I'll join you.
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355. isn't this lovely.
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356. I wasn't expecting carpet.
I was expecting...
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357. I don't know what I was expecting.
Not carpet.
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358. Peggy, relax.
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359. What an interesting chair.
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360. When I'm sitting in a chair, I never know
quite what to do with my head.
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361. So this is wonderful.
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362. Thank you. It's from Brookstone.
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363. The whales sing of joy and sorrow,
of gain and loss...
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364. like LeAnn Rimes.
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365. Now, there,
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366. Now lie quietly for as long as you want,
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367. while I copy both sides
of your insurance card,
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368. Peggy's gonna have a hard time
replacing Doyle Harcavy.
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369. That guy's amazing.
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370. You look at his picture in the paper,
he never gets a day older.
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371. She has to mail in a sample column
this week.
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372. But she'll muse circles around him
if she can just get past her headaches.
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373. Those headaches are good as gone.
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374. Peggy went to John Redcorn for a healing.
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375. What?
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376. Don't worry, old John R will fix her up
just like he does for Nancy...
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377. three times a week.
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378. Oh, Hank...
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379. I'm sure Peggy's headache
is nowhere near as serious as Nancy's.
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380. I tell you what, man.
You don't want to know.
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381. I can't even know what it is with you.
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382. Don't worry about Peggy.
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383. She does not have the same kind of...
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384. medical condition
that's causing Dale's wife...
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385. to suffer unduly. Where is she?
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386. Everything is beautiful
In its own way
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387. Hi, Hank.
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388. Peggy, I guess dinner's gonna be
a little late tonight.
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389. I just had a headache session
with John Redcorn.
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390. He lit some sweetgrass
and then I drifted off.
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391. The next thing I knew
I felt fan-freaking-tastic.
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392. Good. Your headache's gone.
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393. Then I guess you're all done
with John-freaking-Redcorn.
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394. Then I guess you're all done
with John-freaking-Redcorn.
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395. No, this is just the beginning.
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396. I have already scheduled
another treatment for next week.
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397. Peggy, I don't know how some guy
rubbing your neck helps your head.
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398. I mean, what's the connection?
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399. My reporter's instincts tell me...
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400. someone's a little grumpy
without his dinner.
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401. I just got my first musing:
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402. "My husband calls me his better half...
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403. "because I better half dinner
on the table when he gets home."
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404. I'm gonna go write that up
while it's still fresh.
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405. - What's wrong, Uncle Hank?
- Nothing's wrong.
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406. It's good news. Peggy had
her headache cured by John Redcorn.
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407. Stop that. Put your face back
the way it was before somebody sees you.
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408. - What's wrong, Luanne?
- Nothing's wrong, Bobby.
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409. Now go play outside.
Dinner's gonna be a little late.
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410. Hank, would you like a beer?
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411. This is not a social call, John Redcorn.
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412. I think I know why you're here.
Your wife came to me with a headache.
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413. A real headache,
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414. Her head actually hurt.
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415. I know that. But as I recall,
that's how it started with Nancy Gribble.
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416. Hank, you are my friend.
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417. I promise I would never heal your wife
the way I heal the wives of others.
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418. You better not. Because if you lay
one unprofessional hand on Peggy...
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419. I'm gonna kick your ass.
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420. I will.
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421. Oh, my Lord. Hank, I got it.
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422. - They are giving me the musings column.
- Thank God.
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423. You got the job. The pressure's off.
No more headaches, right?
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424. Are you kidding?
I have weekly deadlines now.
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425. I'll have to schedule
a regular night with John Redcorn.
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426. What? No. You don't need John Redcorn
to get rid of a headache.
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427. Here. I'll give you a massage.
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428. Just let me know where you really need it.
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429. That's my kidneys.
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430. Breathe. Picture a wide-open field.
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431. Throw some birds in there if you want.
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432. Hank, stop it. You're just pinching,
slapping, and poking me.
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433. What is it that you have
against John Redcorn?
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434. Don't make me say it.
You know what he does to his clients.
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435. You think he's overcharging me?
For your information, I checked around.
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436. He is less expensive
than both VlP and Oriental Massage.
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437. For God sakes, Peggy, come on.
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438. It's taken him 13 years
to cure Nancy's headache.
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439. So you're saying...
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440. What are you... You're calling him a quack?
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441. You're saying his methods aren't effective?
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442. No. I'm saying they're very effective.
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443. Come on, you know what I'm talking about,
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444. Nancy. John Redcorn. Joseph.
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445. Good God!
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446. I just cannot believe
that I could be so stupid.
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447. How could you not tell me
what was going on in my own side yard?
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448. I thought you knew.
How could you not know?
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449. Look at Joseph.
Where do you think he came from?
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450. Nancy told me Dale had
a Jamaican grandmother. I believed her.
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451. Oh, my God. Dale. Does Dale know?
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452. No, he's as slow as you.
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453. In a sweet, trusting sort of way.
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454. Shameless tramp.
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455. How can she? I just cannot believe.
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456. Ow.
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457. - You dirty bird.
- What's wrong, sug'?
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458. Joseph is not Jamaican.
And neither is Dale.
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459. And I am beginning to suspect
that his grandmother isn't either.
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460. So you know. Who told you?
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461. No one had to tell me.
How stupid do you think I am?
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462. You've been cheating for 12 years.
Nancy, how could you?
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463. I have my reasons.
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464. Yes, and I've seen those reasons
packed into his Sergio Valente jeans.
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465. I bet you don't even
have headaches anymore.
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466. And you!
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467. Dale Gribble is your friend.
How could you be a look-the-other-wayer?
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468. Now, Peggy, you're sort of freaked out
because it's still fresh for you.
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469. Live with it awhile.
You'll see, you'll get used to it.
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470. The only thing I ever want to get used to
is a cold glass of lemonade.
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471. I am still a journalist, darn it.
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472. Did anyone else sniff today's garbage?
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473. And I thought
yesterday's garbage smelled good.
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474. Morning, Dale.
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475. You poor man.
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476. Hi, John Redcorn.
Dale.
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477. Well, well, well.
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478. John Redcorn.
Peggy.
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479. Nancy's headache's
very severe this morning.
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480. Must be the pollen.
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481. - Well, well, well.
- Well.
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482. John Redcorn.
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483. Peggy Hill.
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484. Peggy Hill, what's so important
I have to jump off treadmill?
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485. I am so sorry, Minh,
but I had to talk to someone.
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486. It's about Nancy.
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487. - She's having an affair.
- Oh, my God.
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488. - She's cheating on John Redcorn?
- You know about them?
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489. Not at first. It took me about an hour.
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490. But I am naive and trusting person.
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491. - Peggy Hill, you not know?
- I knew.
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492. Peggy Hill not know. That is so funny.
Okay, who I tell?
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