King of the Hill 3x18

Directed by Adam Kuhlman

Dennis Burkley as Principal Moss (voice) • Julianne Buescher as (voice) • Jill Parker as (voice) • Lisa Jane Persky as (voice) • Wally Wingert as Curator / Sheriff (voice)

Worried at the prospect of going to a school dance with Connie, Bobby starts overeating at the local deli, and develops gout. Meanwhile, Hank goes to an art gallery in Dallas and finds that they are displaying an X-ray of his constipated colon.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. huh?

2. "new york style deli"?

3. They think that's a selling point?

4. Wow! They've got pictures of celebrities on the walls.

5. Howie mandel.

6. what's a k-nish?

7. Honey, it's pronounced "nish."

8. The "k" is silent, and I have no idea.

9. Stuffed kishkes? Kreplach?

10. Even in my dreams, I—I never dreamed a place

11. like the show biz deli could exist.

12. It's food with a punch line.

13. Tongue?

14. They're trying to feed us all the animal parts

15. they're supposed to throw away.

16. Let's go.

17. Fine.

18. Dad, can I at least go to the bathroom before we go?

19. Uh, all right.

20. put a louie anderson in a bag to go.

21. I'll leave the money on the hand drier.

22. Hey, bobby, here's your teen peopleback.

23. You were right.

24. Neve campbell really likes rock climbing.

25. Hey, sharise,

26. looks like you dropped something.

27. Way to be in 2nd grade, craphead.

28. I have tried tripping her, I've hid her lunch.

29. I'm running out of ways to show he r that I like her.

30. I assume you tried throwing utility balls at her head.

31. I can't ask he r to the dance

32. unless I know she likes me.

33. God, you're lucky.

34. Connie likes you. So after the dance ,

35. you know you'r e getting a kiss

36. and then you'll have a girlfriend.

37. And then I'll be your nerdy friend

38. who doesn't have a girlfriend.

39. I'm gonna go whack sharise in the butt with a shovel.

40. see, connie wants to go to this dance.

41. Oh, your first middle-school dance.

42. How romantic.

43. You'll hold each other close and move in a circle

44. over and over again,

45. and then if she doesn't pass out drunk on you, well,

46. then the night will end in a clumsy, slobbery kiss

47. about that kiss...

48. Oh, it'll be magical.

49. Nothing will ever be the same

50. between you and connie ever again.

51. You know, connie and I practice-kissed once already

52. and nothing changed.

53. Yeah. But this is a middle-school dance kiss

54. this is a real kiss.

55. Remember marie? I kissed her

56. and then things got really complicated and she dumped me.

57. I thought the pain would never go away.

58. That was a real kiss.

59. so you really like the chopped chicken liver.

60. I love it! It's meat I can eat with a spoon.

61. I get it in a drum from a catalog.

62. did you know you have to heat up italian food?

63. Well, you gotta melt the cheese.

64. You know, I'm feeling a lot better.

65. I think I will have that herring plate after all.

66. Attaboy!

67. I thought I was gonna have to throw that out

68. oh, yeah!

69. Peggy? huh?

70. g Look, I got an invitation to some kind of art openin

71. at the dallas museum of modern art.

72. Now, either dale's pulling a prank

73. or you've been sending money to p.b.s. Again.

74. Not me. They have not got a penny

75. since their cheap mug cut my lip.

76. On the other hand, maybe it would be fun to go to an art opening.

77. There'd be new, not-dale-bill-boomhaue r people to talk to.

78. There might even be dancing.

79. Dancing?

80. Oh, bobby, that reminds me.

81. Connie's mom and I are trying to coordinate dropping you guys off

82. at your middle-school dance.

83. Now, they can fit 8 in their minivan.

84. Do you know if sharise's hip is healed?

85. Yeah, I think so. I gotta go.

86. Where are you off to, son?

87. To the mall.

88. You know, where, um,

89. all those sports field s are near.

90. I tell you what, bobby sure has gotten active lately.

91. No, hank, I think something's wrong.

92. He's not eating his supper.

93. And you saw what just happened

94. when I tried to talk to him about the dance.

95. y A 12-year-old boy running off to pla

96. rather than talk about prom dresses with his mom

97. sounds pretty normal to me.

98. Normal. What do you know.

99. so then... Bobby?

100. ? You want me to slow down some more

101. so, anyway, maybe you and I could go to the dance,

102. if you want.

103. Uh, that sure sounds like fun, connie,

104. but I'm not certain I'm 100 percent.

105. I think I stubbed my toe.

106. That's why I'm wearing my mom's tennis shoes.

107. Your toe will be bette r by next week.

108. Or it could be worse.

109. I only know that I'll be praying for it to get better,

110. so we can go to the dance.

111. But praying usually doesn't work.

112. oh, thank god, there'll be ice again!

113. luanne! I could use a hand

114. now you put it in the freezer.

115. what is it?

116. mr. Hill,

117. I'm calling from the dallas museum of modern art.

118. Did you receive the invitation to the opening?

119. Yes, and when I threw it out, I thought you'd get the idea.

120. Very well. If you do decide to attend,

121. your parking is free

122. since your photograph is in the exhibit.

123. My photograph? What photograph?

124. I don't know. I work for the catering.

125. We just need to know how much cheese to buy.

126. How many people? 60.

127. 8 pounds.

128. Bobby, what did I tell you about the funny walks?

129. "not in the house.

130. But this isn't a funny walk.

131. My toe really hurts.

132. Your big toe?

133. Uh-huh.

134. hmm.

135. Bobby, now listen to me.

136. Put yourself in a 3-point stance.

137. From football, bobby, before the snap.

138. Oh, yeah.

139. bobby, it looks like all that activity you've been up to

140. has finally caught up with you.

141. You've got turf toe.

142. What do I do about it?

143. Well, you play through the pain.

144. And I get to take you to the heimlich county sports medicine center.

145. we can laugh at all the people with tennis elbow.

146. Excuse me, sir, did you throw out your elbow

147. playing golf or tennis?

148. Tennis.

149. bobby hill, Dr. Tannenbaum is ready to see you.

150. Now, you 2 go ahead.

151. I'll be here until midnigh t filling out these endless damn h.m.o. Forms.

152. Oh, shoot! I put bobby dow n as my own father.

153. ! Oh, damn these h.m.o.s

154. so what's it gonna be, doctor?

155. Whirlpool, deep-heat massage?

156. Or are you just gonna tell my son

157. to play through the pain, 'cause I'll support that.

158. None of that will be necessary.

159. According to the blood test, your boy here has gout.

160. Gout?

161. I...

162. guess who filled out all the forms?

163. hey, hey, hey!

164. well, gout occurs

165. when uric acid crystals form in the bloodstream

166. and collect in an extremity.

167. Like bobby's big toe.

168. Now, hold on. Maybe turf toe was a pipe dream, but gout?

169. That's an old man's disease.

170. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you it's normal

171. for a 12-year-old boy to get gout,

172. but it happens

173. like that feral boy they found surviving on pig excrement.

174. What you need to do is quit pumping your boy

175. full of purine-rich foods.

176. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

177. And those are?

178. Preserved fish like anchovies or herrings

179. and organ meats, you know, kidneys, hearts, liver.

180. The boy's not a ghoul. He doesn't eat that stuff.

181. Is there liver in chopped chicken liver?

182. Because that's what's on a louie anderson.

183. What?

184. I've been getting it at the show biz deli.

185. bobby's gout will clear up

186. if he stays off those deli foods.

187. I-in the meantime, I thought this might help.

188. does it come with a hat?

189. I just can't figure out what picture of me

190. somebody would wanna put in a museum.

191. The only photo circulating in the public

192. is my high-school football picture.

193. Well, it could be anything.

194. The internet is full of pictures

195. of each and every one of you.

196. 'course you'd know tha t if you ever visited my web site.

197. Well, I guess I'll find out tonight when we go to dallas.

198. At least peggy's excited about it.

199. She's talking about putting on earrings.

200. Uh, what else was she thinking about putting on, hank?

201. pumps?

202. now I know what mona lisa's husband felt like

203. when he headed off to that museum.

204. It's pride, hank.

205. You know, I might still be able to fit into the old uniform.

206. Think that would be appropriate?

207. Well, we'll ask. Now, luanne,

208. remember what I told you about bobby's diet.

209. Yeah, if I haven't heard of the food

210. that he wants to eat, he cannot eat it.

211. Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

212. where are you going?

213. Oh, I'm just shuffling off to the living room.

214. ! And away we go

215. I specifically asked bill not to give him that hat.

216. walking man. Walking man.

217. Walking man. Walking man.

218. Walking man.

219. Someone really ought to fix that thing.

220. Walking man.

221. Uh, hank, you better turn that back on.

222. ok, let's keep moving.

223. I wonder what they're all staring at.

224. probably the best running back

225. arlen high has ever known.

226. That's what I was staring at the whole ride here.

227. well, you know...

228. "empty bowl, bhopal, india."

229. "beef filled colon, arlen, texas." huh!

230. Look, hank, dr. Morley took this x-ray.

231. That's the name of your doctor.

232. Oh, dear lord!

233. Hank, honey, I think this is your colon

234. from when you were constipated.

235. Oh, my god!

236. Hank, please, people are starting to look.

237. Uh, excuse me, this is my work.

238. My art is not to be touched.

239. If you want interactive art, there's a highly overrated collection in toronto.

240. Your work? That's my colon!

241. ooh!

242. Hank, maybe we should just go.

243. Not without my property.

244. stop that. Stop that. Security!

245. Damn it! I'm a human being,

246. not some kind of freak that you can put up on display.

247. My doctor says it's very rare.

248. I'm the only kid under 70 to get this

249. outside the gout belt in the lower balkans.

250. I'll be happy to entertain any questions.

251. Yes, you.

252. Will your toe be better in time for the dance?

253. I'm sorry, connie,

254. I was pointing to the gentleman behind you.

255. Answer the question.

256. Uh, I'm sorry, um,

257. I was pointing in front of you to Joseph.

258. Are you taking connie to the dance?

259. I'm sorry, I think we've run out of time.

260. leave the tub.

261. What's wrong, bobby? Girl trouble?

262. huh?

263. Oh, no, carl, it's just the gout.

264. You got the gout.

265. What causes that? Tick bite?

266. Nobody knows.

267. So, hank,

268. I heard about your big opening.

269. yeah, dale, it's even funnier the 3rd time.

270. , Hey, hank hill

271. look what I buy in gift shop at museum

272. you sign it. It be worth more money

273. hey, whoo!

274. Look at me, I'm hank hill

275. and I just passed wind!

276. Quick, somebody frame it!

277. hey, there nothing funny about this,

278. you hillbilly moron.

279. Can't you see the juxtaposition of hank's clogged-up colon

280. with that skinny, starving kid

281. make deep statemen t about something?

282. They cast stones at your colon from ignorance, hank.

283. Your ass is genius.

284. Can you get me on guest list

285. for chichi art gallery parties?

286. Coming through.

287. guess what the school nurs e got for me today?

288. I'll give you a hint.

289. hi, Mrs. Hill.

290. Um, bobby left his spoon at my house.

291. Well, thank you, connie.

292. I will let bobby know that you returned it.

293. ? By the way, how's his toe gout

294. do you think he's goin g to get better in time for the dance?

295. Well, of course he is, honey. But why do you...

296. oh.

297. oh!

298. oh!

299. I've gotta go.

300. Honey, listen to me.

301. Caring for bobby is nothing to be embarrassed about.

302. Oh, yeah?

303. He named his swollen toe madam,

304. and she talks with a french accent.

305. I did not know that.

306. Well, it's still not as bad as seeing your husband's colon on the wall.

307. I know, it's hanging in our den.

308. Well, bobby's had a taste of show biz,

309. and it does not agree with him.

310. No more deli foods for him.

311. He is doing everything he can to get back on his feet

312. in time for that dance.

313. ] ? [humming

314. I see by your face you did not know about the rascal.

315. ?

316. bobby?

317. What are you doing?

318. you smell like cat food.

319. You're eating chopped liver, aren't you?

320. It comes with the platter.

321. Bobby, I searched every shop

322. looking for just the right dress,

323. which I finally found,

324. and here you are eating all this stuff that gives you gout.

325. I just came in to use the restroom.

326. Bobby, I found some gadempta meat in the back.

327. I know how you like it.

328. you would rather stuff yourself and roll around

329. in your stupid electric cart than take me to the dance?

330. Well, I guess I would.

331. carl, give me a plate of kippers and onions.

332. I don't know, bobby.

333. Don't you think you've had enough?

334. well, I'll tell you when I've had enough.

335. hey, connie, I got a new deck of cards.

336. You wanna come over and play cards this weekend?

337. Why don't you play it with your chicken livers?

338. I'm going to the dance.

339. But I told you I didn't want to g o to the dance.

340. I know. I'm going with someone else.

341. I've got gout!

342. Uh, sir,

343. if I could just get off a few hours early,

344. I need to go to dallas.

345. Oh, right, right. That picture of your butt-pipe

346. with all that beef gumming up the works.

347. You gotta chew more, honey.

348. Those damn oprahs.

349. And what ain't good for beef

350. ain't good for barbecues, hank.

351. And what ain't goo d for barbecues

352. ain't good for propane.

353. I came to take down that picture of my private insides.

354. As for the indian fella,

355. I guess that's between you and him.

356. All right, Mr. Hill, I think we've had enough.

357. Security! Throw that man out

358. I'll do you one better. Sheriff.

359. all right. You the fellas who perpetrated this art?

360. You're under arrest.

361. What are you talking about?

362. I've got the right of free expression.

363. Oh, you can have all the free speech you want

364. within the law.

365. And in the state of texas,

366. there's a law against defaming beef.

367. Sheriff, my colon.

368. You realize you will never have another

369. avant-garde art exhibit in this state!

370. We'll get by.

371. Hank hill, running back,

372. circa 1974,

373. picture by kodak, usa.

374. bye, mom. Bye, dad

375. have fun, kahn jr. You got your pepper spray?

376. Yes, mom.

377. use it on those hillbillies, no matter what.

378. I wanna see that empty when you come home.

379. git!

380. I figure it's all for the best with connie.

381. This way I can concentrate on my new act.

382. hello, my name is madam.

383. I'm here to start the show.

384. I guess I'm not feelin g real on right now.

385. I just can't believe she would stop being friends with me.

386. I guess I do like

387. this delicious new york style food better

388. than I like her.

389. Well, then how come all you've done tonight is talk about connie?

390. And you haven't touched your chicken liver.

391. Carl, bring me my rascal.

392. ?

393. hmm?

394. whoa!

395. ? [love hurts by nazareth playing]

396. ? Love hurts?

397. ? Love scars?

398. ? Love wounds?

399. ? And mars any heart?

400. ? Not tough?

401. ? Or strong enough?

402. ? To take a lot of pain?

403. ? Take a lot of pain?

404. ? Love is like a cloud?

405. ? It holds a lot of rain?

406. ? Love hurts?

407. ? Ooh, ooh?

408. ? [how do I live by leann rimes playing]

409. ? How do I, how do I?

410. ? Oh, how do I live?

411. ? Without you?

412. ? There'd be no sun in my sky?

413. ? There would be no love in my life?

414. Connie! Connie!

415. Bobby?

416. are you ok, bobby? Where's your cart?

417. You can't danc e in a cart.

418. Where's your date?

419. Mmm, there is no date.

420. I was just hoping to make you jealous.

421. Shall we?

422. What about your gout?

423. My dad says when you really want something,

424. you play through the pain.

425. ? And tell me now?

426. ? How do I live without you?

427. ? I want to know?

428. ? How do I breathe without you?

429. ? If you ever go?

430. ? ? How do I ever survive?

431. I've got gout!