King of the Hill 3x17

Directed by Gary McCarver

Phyllis Diller as Lillian (voice) • Beth Grant as Tilly Hill (voice) • Phil Buckman as Chad (voice) • Dave Buzzotta as Waiter / Frat Guy (voice) • Dena Dietrich as Tilly's Friend (voice)

Hank takes his mother and her friends to a museum of miniatures in Port Aransas, and they get stuck in the middle of MTV's Spring Break. Meanwhile, Bill tries to put the moves on Peggy while Hank is away.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. yep.

2. yep.

3. yep.

4. What's with hank?

5. Why, I think he's worried about his mom.

6. Are you worried about your mom, hank?

7. He's worried about his mom.

8. she and her friends

9. were supposed to get here two hours ago.

10. Why she had to take on

11. all this highway driving at her age

12. just to see a museum of miniatures...

13. Oh! The one at port aransas?

14. yes.

15. well, maybe she stopped on the way

16. to make herself look nice.

17. That's something ladies do.

18. I was married to one once.

19. my god, it's almost 4:00.

20. Would it cheer you up

21. if I stuffed some fig newtons up my nose?

22. Aah...

23. Mom, you made it.

24. You know, you've still got four hours of driving

25. before you get to port aransas.

26. I'm not sure I... oh, honey

27. we stopped at the pancake house

28. and one thing just led to another.

29. Blueberry pancakes mean blueberries in the pancakes

30. not buttermilk grill cakes with blue sauce on top.

31. They brought you new ones.

32. That's not the point.

33. It was horrible.

34. This is lillian.

35. She's delicate.

36. Pleased to meet you, lillian.

37. oh!

38. That was much too sudden.

39. You know, mom, that van of yours

40. is a lot to handle.

41. In many ways, it's more of a light truck.

42. Maybe this trip is just too much for you to take on.

43. Yep. I think it is.

44. Well, I have to drive.

45. I'm the youngest.

46. Maureen's only ten years older

47. but she lost her license.

48. It was took last march.

49. Delia gets angry.

50. The doctor calls it "road rage."

51. Oh, I'll drive.

52. It's only been 40 years.

53. We are talking about a bicycle?

54. I don't have a choice, peggy.

55. I've got to drive them the rest of the way.

56. Hank, if you want to go visit a miniature museum

57. then just come out and say so.

58. I won't tell anyone.

59. I hate miniatures.

60. I've hated them since I was a kid.

61. Mom only took them out when

62. she was heading into a funk—

63. Like, between the time I was ten and 14.

64. enjoy your trip to the miniature museum, hank.

65. Hope you can fit inside.

66. yeah, man, you know

67. talkin' 'bout ol' party van

68. man, hank gets out... little ol' lady.

69. have good time...

70. With them lil' ol' ladies.

71. Very funny, guys.

72. I can't think of anything funnier

73. than a man having to take care of his mother.

74. Ho! That's just hilarious.

75. You think your mother would find that funny, dale?

76. Not the way you tell it.

77. Yep, the wildflowers sure are lovely this spring.

78. I always say

79. there's nothing like texas wildflowers.

80. You think we arizonans don't have flowers?

81. I never said that.

82. Tilly, that boy of yours just called me a liar.

83. I did not!

84. Hank, just apologize to delia.

85. But I never said...

86. Delia gets a little out of sorts

87. when her blood sugar falls low.

88. Otherwise, she's lovely.

89. Here's a piece of hard candy, dear.

90. mmm.

91. bill?

92. Yeah.

93. You shouldn't have to be

94. working with your hands, peggy.

95. You're a lady.

96. oh...

97. Oh, bill.

98. Here, let me help.

99. It must be nice having a man

100. around the house again, huh, peggy?

101. Actually, hank has only been gone

102. an hour and a half.

103. I'll tell you, peggy

104. I'd never leave you for an hour and half.

105. Your shirt is... Very dirty.

106. oh, that's not dirt.

107. That's, that's chili sauce

108. and such.

109. what's that boy doing?

110. I'm just getting a traffic report.

111. Radio makes lillian carsick.

112. You can't get carsick from a radio.

113. Carsick's an inner-ear thing.

114. Turn on the radio.

115. I'd prefer not to risk it.

116. I was a nurse for 40 years.

117. I know all about carsick.

118. I've never been carsick in my life.

119. What should I do?

120. The problem with you

121. is you never know what to do.

122. You just met me.

123. I know your kind.

124. Would you please turn on the radio?

125. all right, ladies.

126. You can get back in.

127. Careful, bobby.

128. You know how your mother and I worry about you.

129. Uh, you know, she worries about you, too, Mr. Dauterive.

130. She does?

131. I guess. I don't know.

132. look, everyone.

133. Port aransas.

134. it looks like a miniature island.

135. Oh, it's a shame it has to get bigger.

136. I want to remember it like this.

137. So I guess all of you are as crazy for miniatures

138. as my mom, huh?

139. I wouldn't use the word "crazy."

140. To the miniatures.

141. To the miniatures.

142. huh, what?

143. Oh, hurry.

144. We're going to be late for the museum.

145. It's not even 5:00 a.m.

146. That kind of attitude

147. is not going to get you ready any faster.

148. Okay, okay.

149. Will you ladies just give me

150. a few minutes to shave?

151. no.

152. Hank well, looks like

153. we might have gotten here a little early.

154. What's the big joke?

155. It's not a joke.

156. Then it's us, isn't it?

157. Apparently, we amuse you in some way.

158. I wish.

159. Well, that was interesting.

160. Stay. Watch.

161. Lyle neff is one of the world's

162. most renowned micropointilists.

163. Lyle neff?

164. Oh, god

165. I haven't heard that name since I was 13.

166. You know, I'd always pictured him with a scrawnier mustache.

167. They say the sprites talk through his hands.

168. That's a nice-looking...

169. Ah... Seal.

170. It is an otter.

171. Lyle neff would never waste his time on seals.

172. Seals are trash mammals.

173. Everybody knows that.

174. six cucumber sandwiches, please.

175. Uh, I'll have the hamburger sandwich instead.

176. The cucumber sandwiches are delicious here.

177. I don't like cucumber.

178. I apologize for my son.

179. Come on, mom.

180. You don't have to apologize for me.

181. Apparently, I do.

182. Mom? It's me, hank.

183. Just came to say good night.

184. Shouldn't you be in bed?

185. It's almost 7:30.

186. Look at this.

187. Don't they look happy?

188. They like it here.

189. Uh, mom, those are just glass.

190. I know that, hank.

191. My point is they're from the island

192. and they like being home.

193. You're not falling into one of those funks

194. are you, mom?

195. I haven't seen you, uh...

196. Socialize with your miniatures since...

197. Gosh, since you were married to dad.

198. I'll helps you with your dishes.

199. mom?

200. Mom, what should I do?

201. mom?

202. quiet, you!

203. cleaning?

204. How did you get in, bill?

205. You gave me a key, remember—

206. When you went on vacation

207. so I could feed ladybird.

208. That was six years ago.

209. Uh-huh. It's probably a good thing I held on to it, too.

210. After all, you never know when...

211. I want it back.

212. now!

213. All right. Let me help you

214. with that trash.

215. Why is he hugging our trash?

216. As long as he does not take it

217. into his house

218. we're okay.

219. oh, no.

220. I'll have a dune-burggy, medium rare, and a beer.

221. At last, a few signs of civilization.

222. Hey, guys.

223. How those longhorns looking for next year?

224. Totally awesome, dude.

225. "awesome."

226. that's what I like to hear.

227. Let me buy you a beer and we can talk some football.

228. Don't mind if we do.

229. hey, fellas, slow down.

230. We've got the whole bench to go over.

231. I tell you, this is just what I needed.

232. I spent the day

233. with about 500 years of old lady.

234. Oh, if they could see me now having a beer and a hamburger

235. that would push them right over the edge

236. I tell you what.

237. hold onto your hats, ladies.

238. The museum'll still be there at dawn.

239. no. What...?

240. Hey, you kids knock it off!

241. Come on! some of us are trying to sleep!

242. Okay, you asked for it.

243. you.

244. What room are your parents in?

245. oh, for goodness sake!

246. And none of you heard any of that last night?

247. no.

248. I-I smell something unpleasant in this hallway.

249. It's making me rather...

250. son, your blinker's on.

251. Merge. Merge, already.

252. oh, look at this crowd.

253. That museum is going to be a madhouse.

254. I think it would be safest

255. if we used a buddy system to get around.

256. Hank, you're making too much out of this.

257. Mom, that fella asked you to show him your high beams.

258. Now, do you even know what he meant?

259. Of course I do.

260. I've been driving longer than you.

261. No. Mom, what he meant was...

262. Oh, hank, look— a unicorn.

263. I have just the little nook for you

264. oh, yes, I do.

265. Peggy! Isn't it funny

266. we ran into each other here just by chance?

267. I didn't even know you shopped at this market.

268. It's the one closest to the house, bill.

269. I think so, too.

270. You know what I'm shopping for?

271. Food.

272. I didn't ask you, all right?

273. I'm having a barbecue this afternoon.

274. See you there.

275. No, you will not.

276. Okay, then. 4:00.

277. oh, god.

278. All right, gentlemen and ladies, let's take a vote.

279. Warm water...

280. or... Cold water?

281. cold water it is!

282. rockadillo...

283. Do your stuff!

284. but-but cold water's going to make their...

285. okay, let's go, buddy up.

286. Delia, you hold maureen's hand.

287. no.

288. We're fighting.

289. She ate the last scone.

290. And it was delicious.

291. r-randy!

292. Randy, chad

293. it's me, hank!

294. Hey, it's that dude from last night.

295. I'm sorry.

296. I didn't mean to let that happen.

297. The problem with you is

298. you never mean to let anything happen.

299. It's a horrible, empty way to live.

300. Barbecuing?

301. no!

302. Go away!

303. This is peggy's.

304. She's got no one to do her barbecuing

305. now that hank's left her.

306. "left her"?

307. He's only on a two-day trip with his mom.

308. And four other single women.

309. "how's my driving?"

310. I'll tell you.

311. Mom, right this number down—

312. "1-800...

313. E-a-t-s-h..."

314. Uh...

315. Never mind.

316. spring break '99 continues

317. with some of the hottest bands, bods and buns

318. on the port I call aransas!

319. Am I right, rockadillo?

320. and party '99 is only getting better

321. 'cause adam sandler's going to be performing live!

322. there, you're packed.

323. But we haven't seen the glade of elsinore

324. at the museum.

325. Forget about the museum.

326. We've got to get off this island

327. before they run out of beer and start rioting.

328. The glade of elsinore is crafted from real flowers.

329. That means the pigments fade, stupid.

330. I don't care.

331. We're leaving.

332. Oh, you're impossible.

333. I tell you what— it'll be great

334. when all these kids look like miniatures

335. in our rear-view mirror, huh?

336. when you're all back safe

337. in your homes and planned communities

338. you'll thank me.

339. My god, hank, stop!

340. Mom, I told you, I will...

341. Hank, stop this van.

342. what is it?

343. Are you okay?

344. No, I'm not.

345. I'm not okay at all.

346. I've left my unicorn.

347. we have to go back for it.

348. We'll Miss the ferry. I can't.

349. Hank, tiny glass unicorns are as hard to find

350. as a real unicorn.

351. I can't leave without mine.

352. Now I've had enough, mom.

353. Forget the damn unicorn

354. and all these stupid little dolls

355. from when you went weird.

356. Oh, delia was right.

357. Hank, you are impossible.

358. Which one of you is delia?

359. She is.

360. I could commit you like that.

361. Oh, no.

362. Stay put.

363. mom!

364. now, these should hold you

365. till I get back.

366. I wanted milk, not cream.

367. Cream makes me logy.

368. Live with it.

369. Excuse me.

370. Have you seen a nice-looking older lady—

371. Gray hair, yellow golf sweater?

372. Mmm, stand right there

373. while I think about it.

374. What?

375. I don't see why I need to...

376. Yo, gotcha!

377. Hey, can't you see I'm looking for a lady?

378. We're all looking for ladies, dude.

379. That's what spring break is all about.

380. Yeah! yeah!

381. Bill?

382. Why isn't bobby playing?

383. You don't look good, mr. Dauterive.

384. Have you been in a fire?

385. bill, are you okay?

386. No, I am not okay.

387. I am... I'm not okay at all.

388. I didn't make you a barbecue just so you wouldn't show up

389. and I didn't come here to not watch bobby play ball!

390. Bill, please!

391. People can hear you!

392. I don't care!

393. Maybe it's time they did!

394. Hey, coach!

395. You, coach!

396. Why aren't you playing bobby hill?

397. I am responsible for that boy!

398. You play him now!

399. You hear me? you!

400. oh, peggy... I'm not angry at you.

401. Bill, you get your arm off me!

402. oh, yeah!

403. Come on, cougars!

404. Come on!

405. Whoo-whoo-whoo!

406. mom.

407. mom?

408. mom?

409. excuse me.

410. I'm looking for a nice-looking older lady... Sweater.

411. Uh, she-she needed a unicorn.

412. Don't they all?

413. Was she here?

414. She left a few minutes ago, one unicorn richer.

415. Damn those stupid miniatures!

416. They're going to get her killed.

417. You don't know anything.

418. What?

419. Miniatures probably saved your mother's life.

420. What's that supposed to mean?

421. Do you know how hard it is to be a woman in this world?

422. I do.

423. Women come in here all the time and they are sad

424. and they are lonely and they are frumpy

425. and they tell me how my tiny

426. individually hand-crafted, investment-grade art is

427. the only thing keeping them sane.

428. Do you understand?

429. Does that sound like your mother?

430. no.

431. Well... Maybe

432. when her marriage to my dad was breaking up, but...

433. So, uh...

434. So, this little glass crap really helped her out, huh?

435. huh.

436. I guess I owe someone an apology.

437. Accepted.

438. Uh...

439. Mom...

440. About back in the car...

441. Well, uh...

442. Well, here.

443. What is it?

444. Uh, it's the los angeles international airport

445. carved in a walnut shell.

446. Oh, look at the detail.

447. Don't worry, little puppy.

448. Someone's coming to claim you.

449. It's wonderful.

450. Yeah, it's a... it's a neff.

451. we got to go, mom, now.

452. The last ferry leaves in 15 minutes

453. and the brochure recommends getting there

454. ten minutes in advance.

455. maureen! Maureen!

456. takes two minutes to develop.

457. Hank...

458. They passed her over the crowd like a beach ball.

459. Ah, hell.

460. Invasion!

461. Hey now, you...

462. hey!

463. hey!

464. those are prescription, dang it!

465. Give me that!

466. You damn...

467. get your...

468. No, help, man! get off the...

469. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

470. oh, no.

471. Don't worry.

472. We're going to make it.

473. oh, god, no!

474. Everybody stay calm.

475. We just experienced severe tire damage.

476. You said you'd get us out of here.

477. Tilly, your boy is all talk.

478. I hate you.

479. Hank, get us out of here.

480. We're down to the rims.

481. If we drive on them, they may never be true again.

482. oh, no.

483. Hold onto your hats, ladies.

484. Oh, look, everyone...

485. Port aransas.

486. Oh, I can't wait to get there.

487. Who's ready?

488. Lay it on me.

489. Well, I probably could use a beer.

490. Dale.

491. Thank you.

492. Boomhauer.

493. Dang ol' thanks, man.

494. Bill.

495. oh, sorry about that...

496. And, uh, thanks for looking after peggy for me, bill.

497. ow!

498. It won't happen again, hank.

499. yep.

500. I know your kind.