King of the Hill 3x12

Directed by

Julie Hagerty as Ally (voice) • Stephanie Hodge as Wendy (voice) • Tara Strong as Kimmi (voice) • Glenn L. Lucas as Football Kid (voice)

Hank gets his tough old football coach to lead Bobby's football team. When the coach proves to be a tyrant, Bobby decides to quit football and join the soccer team, much to Hank's disappointment. Meanwhile, Peggy tries to fit in with the other soccer moms, and takes a crash course from Minh on Soccer-mom etiquette.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Bobby looks pretty good in that uniform.

2. Yup.

3. Yup.

4. Mm-hmm.

5. Think the Cougars have a chance this year?

6. - No. - Nope.

7. Nah-uh.

8. Mm.

9. Paint.

10. Boys, the Welton Wolves

11. have already put their mark on this bridge.

12. Now, what does a cougar do

13. when a wolf comes into his neck of the woods?

14. Beats him in football?

15. Yeah, that's where I was going to end up, Bobby.

16. Now, you Cougars can't be winners until you act like winners.

17. And winners paint bridges.

18. Here you go, winner.

19. Oh.

20. Boys, the important thing to remember is you're from Arlen,

21. and Arlen once had a great team.

22. We were behind by two,

23. but luckily, we had the finest strategist ever to come out of Heimlich County,

24. Coach Whitey Sauers.

25. Now, how we going to win state if we don't get to state?

26. Now go out there and get me to state!

27. You get us to state, and I guarantee

28. I'll kiss each one of you little pansies right on the mouth.

29. Let's go!

30. Down. Down. Set.

31. Like a dang ol' blitz.

32. Change plans… Fake hand off to Hank.

33. Come around, blitz, fake reverse hike!

34. USA!

35. Yahoo!

36. We did it!

37. We did it!

38. We're going to state!

39. Yahoo!

40. Mm.

41. Damn, that man could coach.

42. - How romantic. - What?

43. That mom was there, and she saw you make that play.

44. And then, right after the game, she canceled her date with that guy

45. who ended up building all those airports.

46. Just paint the dang bridge.

47. Yeah. Good play. Way to go.

48. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

49. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

50. We need to blitz more.

51. I haven't done my sack dance all day.

52. Settle down, Bobby.

53. That's the kind of attitude that drove Mark Gastineau into boxing.

54. Do not just stand there scratching, Coach Maxwell!

55. You are not going to find a good play up there!

56. Maxwell, you suck!

57. Now, Wendy, honey, that is over the line.

58. You need specific criticism, not just generalities.

59. Maxwell, your plays suck!

60. Much better!

61. Wingo! Interception Joseph!

62. Ah! Whoo!

63. That's our boy, a real all-American!

64. Arlen's native son!

65. Heads up!

66. Sorry, the ball got away there.

67. Coach Coleman Lucas, "The Wind."

68. Uh, excuse me, could you face the other way

69. or something when you do that?

70. We got a real sport going on here.

71. It's called "football."

72. Actually, in the rest of the world, soccer is called "futbol."

73. You should try it.

74. Soccer, or "futbol," is excellent physical conditioning.

75. What's the point?

76. Anyone can kick the ball under the goal.

77. No…

78. Not if the goalie has anything to say about it…

79. He tries to stop them.

80. But don't worry, it's all in good fun.

81. Two minutes?

82. Oh, my God, we could win this thing.

83. Well, all right, uh, two minutes.

84. Who hasn't played yet?

85. Uh, Bobby Hill.

86. Get in there!

87. Coach, you can't put me in now.

88. We can win this.

89. Hank, he's putting your boy in.

90. I'm on it.

91. It's just bad strategy.

92. Uh, hey, coach, uh, Bobby's been cheering awfully hard today,

93. and I'm afraid he might have worn himself out already…

94. Hank, you know I like to play every player at least two minutes a game.

95. Can't you just let him play four minutes next game?

96. Bobby, mittens, honey!

97. "Do not put Bobby in

98. if outcome of the game

99. can be affected in any way."

100. There.

101. Coach Maxwell, I and some of the parents…

102. You suck.

103. Now, hold on.

104. What we have here are some suggestions…

105. No, Dale's right… he does suck.

106. You're not being paid to screw up.

107. I, I'm not being paid at all.

108. In fact, I still haven't been reimbursed for last week's pizzas.

109. Oh, and if you guys aren't too busy

110. could you just please go to hell?

111. Dale, what did you do with last week's pizza money?

112. I bought a hat.

113. You know who would've won that game?

114. - Coach Sauers. - Yeah.

115. - Yep. - Mm-hmm.

116. Yeah, you know who would've not played Bobby?

117. Coach Sauers.

118. - Yep. - Yeah.

119. Coach Sauers, man.

120. And, and you know who we should get to coach Bobby's team?

121. Coach Sauers!

122. That's a gribble of an idea, Bill!

123. - Yeah. - All right.

124. - Coach Sauers. - That's what I said!

125. If those are tight in the toes,

126. I'll get you a half size bigger.

127. Coach Sauers?

128. Hill… Finally got a haircut.

129. You noticed.

130. Boomhauer, how are your folks?

131. Man, they're doing fine, man…

132. Them down in Florida, man

133. lottery winner, man

134. no problems, man.

135. Sorry to hear that.

136. Gribble…

137. No one's killed you yet.

138. Dauterive!

139. My God, man, what happened?

140. It's a long story.

141. - Do you remember… - Look, coach, uh,

142. we came by to see you because…

143. Well, because you're the best coach Arlen has ever seen.

144. How would you like to coach again for my son's football team?

145. Coach again?

146. I quit!

147. Uh, whoa.

148. It's, uh… it's not really a paying job.

149. Thank you, sir.

150. I don't know what I'm doing in this bed.

151. I'm not going to sleep tonight.

152. Well, Hank Hill, you devil…

153. I am just so excited

154. that Bobby's going to have the Coach Sauers experience.

155. I only hope working at the mall hasn't knocked the fight out of him.

156. I don't know, honey.

157. That man could be a tough taskmaster.

158. Let's not forget that you used to call him "Sour Coach Sauers".

159. Remember?

160. Yeah.

161. Boy, we came up with that one

162. at a fellowship of Christian athletes picnic.

163. Sour Coach Sauers.

164. We were good kids, though.

165. He's a real high school football coach.

166. He's tough as nails, but you're going to love him.

167. Fellows, my name is Coach Sauers,

168. and I took Arlen High to State in 1974.

169. - Wow. - Cool!

170. Up to now, you men have been losing,

171. but now, you're going to be winning!

172. - Yeah! - Wow!

173. 'Cause I'm going to ride you little dainty joes so hard

174. you'll wish you were all dead!

175. I'm gonna chew you up! Spit you out!

176. Take a big dump on top of that!

177. And then I'm going to get tough!

178. Let's rev 'em up!

179. Pretty impressive, huh?

180. Okay, you kids have fun.

181. Eat mud.

182. I said eat it! Eat it!

183. Coach, I think I swallowed too much mud.

184. Take a salt tablet.

185. I'm walking in biscuit dough.

186. Memorize it.

187. That looks like fun.

188. Coach, I'm bleeding.

189. Salt tablet.

190. You call that a pass?

191. Give me that ball or I'll slice your guts out, hippie!

192. Run!

193. One jumping jack, two jumping jacks.

194. Full extension. Very nice.

195. Any more of you ladies want to join him?

196. Anyone else?

197. Any more?

198. All right, that's enough.

199. Hey, Butterball, drag the body back.

200. What's that on your upper arm there, Bobby?

201. Is that a muscle?

202. No. That's a lump from when I got hit by a football.

203. You know, Dad, the kids playing soccer don't have any lumps or bruises,

204. and Coach Lucas gives them oranges at half-time.

205. Bobby, I didn't think I'd ever need to tell you this,

206. but I would be a bad parent if I didn't.

207. Soccer was invented by European ladies

208. to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.

209. Why do you have to hate what you don't understand?

210. I don't hate you, Bobby.

211. I meant soccer.

212. Oh. Oh, yeah, I hate soccer. Yes.

213. Well, there you are, Hill.

214. Now where's Butterball?

215. Uh… "Butterball"?

216. Hey, Dad.

217. Uh, hey, there, Bobby.

218. Are you planning on loosening up our football team

219. with some comedy soccer skits or,

220. or something?

221. Bobby Hill! Time for step kick drills!

222. Sorry, Dad.

223. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

224. Take a salt tablet.

225. Just when Coach Sauers

226. was fixing to get those kids a victory,

227. Bobby leaves sports and joins a soccer team.

228. Did Joseph leave, too?

229. - No. - The team will survive, Hank.

230. Yeah, it's a terrible blow to morale, of course, but, uh…

231. Hank?

232. Honey, I'm taking Bobby to soccer practice.

233. You going to soccer practice dressed like that?

234. Oh, no, Peggy Hill. Get real.

235. You borrow my nice sweater.

236. Well, thank you, Minh, but it is not that cold out.

237. Believe me, it freezing cold if you not take sweater.

238. Well, in that case, I have a perfectly good flannel overshirt.

239. Okay. You know better.

240. Whoo-hoo! Way to go, The Wind!

241. Way to kick that ball downfield!

242. Oh, thanks for the latte, Ally.

243. Uh, Peggy…

244. Hmm? Oh. Oops.

245. What a pretty… overshirt.

246. Oh, thank you.

247. And what a pretty sweater

248. you're all wearing.

249. Well, well, well.

250. What have we got here?

251. A soccer mommy.

252. Uh, look, coach, I just want to apologize for Bobby quitting on you like that.

253. I know you spent a lot of money xeroxing these playbooks.

254. It's the collating. That's where they screw you.

255. If you really feel bad for the way Butterball screwed me,

256. you can be my assistant football coach.

257. Uh, I don't know.

258. With Bobby not on the team, it might make him feel…

259. Okay, Louisa May, go play your ballerina ball.

260. Just leave your penis in the bucket.

261. Huh. W-well, uh…

262. I guess I could find a little time.

263. Memorize it.

264. I tell you, Peggy, the football team might go all the way this year.

265. I sure am sorry you're not going to be a part of that, Bobby,

266. although you could be.

267. I can't. The soccer team needs me.

268. I'm one of the nine co-captains.

269. Bobby, I think your father would like to do something you both like to do

270. together, huh?

271. Movie.

272. Maybe you two could see a movie together.

273. Sure. A movie.

274. Why don't you set it up through mom?

275. I'm a little tight.

276. I got to go stretch my hams.

277. Cashmere sweater with pearl button.

278. Now they like you.

279. Oh, it's just a sweater.

280. If the other mothers do not like me for the wit and wisdom that is Peggy Hill,

281. then I want nothing to do with them.

282. Ah, you not get it.

283. You soccer mom now.

284. If you not fit in, then Bobby not fit in,

285. and that boy have enough problem.

286. How do you know so much about this?

287. Connie play A.Y.S.O. in orange county.

288. That's the birthplace of soccer moms.

289. I start the whole sweater thing.

290. That mine.

291. Tie game!

292. Everyone's a winner!

293. You know, I was thinking of bringing Bobby

294. to watch the Wolves rematch.

295. You know, just as my guest.

296. Who, Butterball?

297. Butterball is dead to me.

298. Goal!

299. Scoop of vanilla for everyone!

300. Dad! We won a game without having to beat anyone,

301. and then we practiced high kicks. Watch.

302. Bobby's our best high kicker.

303. Careful, don't let the Rockettes find out about it.

304. The Rockettes? Me?

305. "Codes of conduct…

306. Cheer all good plays.

307. Respect every player as if he/she were on your team."

308. What is this "he/she…" some kind of a science fiction deal, or…

309. You don't get it, do you?

310. We're their coaches, but we're the ones who are learning,

311. and these kids are pretty good teachers.

312. All we have to do is listen.

313. Now, let's get going, gang.

314. We don't want to be late for our cleanup project.

315. Uh, wait a minute, Bobby. Uh…

316. I'm sorry, Lucas.

317. I thought I'd take my boy to see that new space movie.

318. I hear it's got special effects.

319. Sorry, Dad. Got to go.

320. The one who collects the most litter gets to play goalie next game.

321. The space movie with Julia Louis Dreyfus?

322. You know what this team needs?

323. Tradition. Rivalry.

324. We could go and paint the bridge.

325. Great idea, Robert.

326. We'll cover up all that divisive graffiti.

327. But my dad's rematch against the Wolves isn't until tomorrow.

328. The Wolves haven't even seen it yet.

329. And if we all work together as a team, they never will.

330. This is one time when "The Wind" use their hands.

331. Coach Sauers,

332. I think there's something wrong with my helmet.

333. Then get over there and do the helmet test.

334. - Huh? - Put on the helmet

335. and run into that brick wall.

336. Yeah, right.

337. And end up with headaches like my mom?

338. You're going the wrong way!

339. Hey, put your helmet back on!

340. All right, you big baby!

341. I'll do it!

342. What the…

343. You little panty-wads think you're ready to play the Wolves again?

344. The Wolves eat razor blades for breakfast!

345. Run, you bunch of pudgy-butted softies!

346. Run, with your fancy sneakers with the pumps and valves

347. and little lights on the back that can set off a seizure,

348. but what do you care?

349. I ran around the world in a pair of Chuck Taylors for the love of Pete!

350. What in God's name is going on here?

351. Damn it! I never did like you, Hill.

352. You were a know-it-all and a do-gooder,

353. and your teeny-tiny, weak little girly ankle bone snapped in the finals,

354. and you lost me State!

355. I lost you State?

356. I'm the one who got you to State.

357. I wish I never dragged you out of that shoe store.

358. Are we done yet?

359. Why, you precious little candy ass.

360. I think you hurt him.

361. Hit him again to make sure.

362. What do we do, Assistant Coach Hill?

363. We're playing the Wolves on Saturday, and we don't have Joseph.

364. Or your kid.

365. Haven't you kids ever seen Rudy?

366. A little fireplug of a never-say-quit at Notre Dame.

367. He died of cancer after the big game, I think.

368. All right, hands in the middle.

369. God bless America, on three.

370. One, two, three.

371. God

372. bless America!

373. Yeah. Well, I wish you had a woman, too, Bill.

374. Uh, hold on.

375. Hill residence.

376. Hank, Coleman Lucas.

377. Just need your fax number so I can fax over Bobby's soccer diet.

378. We don't have a fax, or a fax number.

379. Oh. Well, just give me your e-mail address and I'll attach it.

380. Yeah, it's "football is great, soccer is dumb dot com."

381. Good-bye.

382. Hey, hey, hey!

383. Oh…

384. Peggy, that's a lovely sweater.

385. Well, you see?

386. You don't have to look dumpy at a soccer match.

387. Which one's your son?

388. Well, my husband, Henry, is bringing him in the truck.

389. Uh, oh. You mean a sports utility vehicle not a pickup truck?

390. Well, yes.

391. It's red.

392. Beat those Wolves, Dad.

393. Sure. Sure. And you, uh, you have a good soccer game.

394. Beat those, uh, fluffy puffs, or whatever.

395. Dad, they're called the Puff n' Stuffs.

396. Good. Get a good stretch. Extend.

397. I know it's bigger than the other SUVs, but it makes me feel safe.

398. I mean, if I have an accident in that thing,

399. I'm going to live.

400. I am here for my son, I am here for my son.

401. Well, for me, it's all about convenience.

402. Mine's got everything from headlight wipers to heated seats.

403. Oh, well, that is a must, isn't it?

404. You know, my butt is always either warmed by my car seat

405. or covered by my sweater.

406. I have to keep it at optimum temperature or I could die from mild discomfort.

407. Yeah.

408. Oh, and you know what else would just make me die?

409. If by mistake I paid so much attention to my child's game,

410. that I maybe raised my voice.

411. Oh, I would just die! I would!

412. Or if I got stuck with a bunch of losers,

413. who couldn't recognize a dead-on perfect fat albert impression,

414. well, I would just die a thousand deaths!

415. You know what?

416. I have got a football game to watch.

417. Oh. That would be Minh's.

418. Go, Joseph, go!

419. Slow down, Joseph. We've already got the tie.

420. We don't have to hurt anyone's feelings.

421. Why don't we just give 'em the dang ball?

422. Ah, screw it.

423. No hands!

424. You're not the goalie!

425. Come on, y'all.

426. We were all Cougars once.

427. We're getting our butts kicked over there.

428. I, for one, have had enough of this dang lawyer ball,

429. haven't you?

430. - Coach… - Huh?

431. I'm here if you need me.

432. Bobby?

433. I'd rather be on a losing football team than a winning soccer team any day.

434. Well, all right, son, you're back.

435. And I brought Joseph with me.

436. All right, Bobby! Way to go, son!

437. Get in there. Split right. Buttonhook on two.

438. That was good strategy bringing Joseph back, Bobby.

439. Stick with it, and you could make a good coach someday.

440. Hmm. I'd still want to wear my uniform.

441. Uh, yeah, okay.

442. And a cape.

443. Whoo-hoo!

444. All right! Go, Cougars! Go, Cougars!

445. Kick some wolf tail!

446. Well, well, well.

447. Peggy Hill coming back to football.

448. Uh, Wendy…

449. Toss me a beer.

450. Take a salt tablet.