King of the Hill 2x9

Directed by Klay Hall

Billy West as Mr. Holloway (voice) • Stockard Channing as Mrs. Holloway (voice) • Burt Reynolds as M.F. Thatherton (voice)

Hank struggles to portray himself and his life as that of a stereotypical Texan cowboy's for a Hollywood cowboy movie fan in order to secure a business deal for Strickland Propane.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All right, Bobby,

2. why don't you read that Sunday school report to me

3. like I'm a customer,

4. and you're trying to win my business.

5. Okay.

6. The man I admire most is my dad, Hank Hill.

7. He sells propane and propane accessories.

8. I like it already, son.

9. You've grabbed my attention and got me eager for more.

10. Howdy, Hank!

11. Mr. Strickland.

12. What you got there, ol' top?

13. "The man I most admire, my daddy."

14. Oh, you got that right, Bobby.

15. 15 years, I promoted him 15 times,

16. all the way to assistant manager.

17. You should be proud, son.

18. You're his seed.

19. Hm. I'm my Daddy's seed.

20. Hank, I got to grunt.

21. Let's take a little meeting in the back.

22. Bobby, here's the key

23. to the march of dimes gum ball machine.

24. All you can eat.

25. Hank, you ever heard of Holloway hollows?

26. Isn't that that new development

27. that promises country club living

28. at price club prices?

29. Yeah, that's the one.

30. They're going to need a propane supplier.

31. Holloway himself is coming down here from Boston

32. to check us out.

33. This one is big, Hank.

34. Here's your sales kit.

35. Rental car keys?

36. Big old caddy.

37. Yankees eat that stuff up

38. like a baby at his mama's malt shop.

39. What the heck is this?

40. Well, that's one of them

41. new counterfeit-proof Benny Franklin hundred dollar bills.

42. Sir, this is Hank Hill you're talking to.

43. I'm not going to need all that James Bond stuff

44. to make the deal.

45. Well, Hank, I don't want to sneeze

46. during your back-swing, but we got some competition,

47. MF Thatherton.

48. Th… Thatherton?

49. Sorry to call a meeting in the skunk works, boys.

50. Now I promise not to make a habit of it.

51. Boy, Thatherton, those are some pretty tough sales quotas,

52. I tell you what.

53. You want to meet the quota?

54. Take some propane to an old-age home.

55. Tell them it's oxygen.

56. You can't do that to old people.

57. Aren't you the company man.

58. You see, that's the difference between us.

59. You're a worker bee,

60. and I'm a queen.

61. Say huh?

62. I'm going out on my own.

63. Thatherton Fuels.

64. I already signed Strickland's top three accounts.

65. Well, you got one heck of a nerve.

66. Plotting against a man

67. while his seat is still warm.

68. Take a good look around, Hank.

69. 'Cause you ain't going nowhere.

70. That's where you're wrong.

71. You can count on me, sir.

72. I appreciate your vote of confidence, and I just…

73. Hank… A little privacy.

74. Do you mind?

75. Ooh, look at this.

76. It's long…

77. It's so… It's big.

78. Look at the size of old Ben Franklin's head.

79. He truly was the homely genius.

80. Well, take a good look

81. 'cause it's going back to Strickland on Monday.

82. But aren't you supposed to spend it on your big client?

83. When have I ever needed

84. a three-figure entertainment budget

85. to sell propane?

86. I'm going to close this deal

87. the same way I always do.

88. A cup of coffee and a slice of pie

89. and a handshake,

90. and if I hit a snag, pie a la mode.

91. Would you stop that?

92. That horn is for highway emergency use only!

93. And you two get off.

94. I've got to return this pimpmobile in the same condition.

95. Oh.

96. Why you have silly cow car, Hank?

97. Hank's entertaining a business prospect

98. from the east, Mr. Kahn.

99. Oh, I see.

100. Hank suck up to make sale.

101. Kahn, I have never had to suck up to make a sale,

102. and I never will.

103. What do you suppose the Holloways look like?

104. You know those boston types.

105. Probably small, pale and wearing penny loafers.

106. Put her there, partner.

107. Mr. Holloway?

108. Is a prom dress tight after a six-pack?

109. Which way to your Cadillac?

110. This one is in the bag.

111. How'd you like to freshen up with a nice, hot towel?

112. Ooh…

113. And here's one for you.

114. Dang! These are Texas-sized hot towels!

115. You know, Peggy heated these towels

116. on our propane-powered hot point range.

117. Did a great job, I'll tell you what.

118. "I'll tell you what," I like that.

119. I'm gonna say it while I'm here.

120. Well, I'd like to tell you what.

121. Strickland can do to meet your energy needs.

122. You see, at Strickland, the customer comes first.

123. It's kind of interesting.

124. The word customer begins with C-U.

125. Well, we don't "see you" as just another sale

126. but as a member of our team.

127. Pie.

128. Do you like pie?

129. I do.

130. They got the best pie in town here, Mr. Holloway,

131. and it's cooked with Strickland propane, too.

132. Hey, look, there's a real old Texas jukebox,

133. just like in the last picture show.

134. What'll you have, Hank?

135. Salesman's special?

136. Yes, ma'am.

137. Three slices of pecan pie

138. and two cups of coffee.

139. And three scoops of ice cream.

140. Now hold on, son.

141. Let me let you in on a little salesman trick.

142. Don't start off with ice cream right away.

143. 'Cause if you run into a hitch,

144. you got no place to go.

145. What kind of Texas jukebox is that for crying out loud?

146. It doesn't even have the theme from Dallas.

147. Mr. Holloway, I won't beat around the bush.

148. There's 14 reasons to go with Strickland propane.

149. 14 very compelling reasons…

150. Say, I'm going to call you JR jrom now on.

151. Well, howdy, Hank.

152. Ain't you gonna introduce me to your golden-throated friend here?

153. Sure, I'll introduce you.

154. Mr. Holloway, this is the only man ever censured

155. by the Texas Propane Association

156. for lewdness and conduct unbecoming a propane salesman.

157. MF Thatherton.

158. Thatherton Fuels.

159. Dang glad to meet you, MF.

160. The MF Stands for…

161. My friend!

162. 'Cause at Thatherton Fuels,

163. we're everybody's friend,

164. and we want to be your friend, too, Mr. Holloway.

165. Who's this, Hank?

166. Your district sales manager?

167. I'm his son, Bobby.

168. I'm waiting for my pie.

169. I can see you get your sense of humor from your daddy.

170. He gets his sense of humor

171. from both his parents, thank you very much.

172. Pleasure meeting you, Holloway.

173. I'll, uh, let ol' Hank get on with his 14 reasons speech.

174. Bobby, you can tell your Sunday school class

175. that you met a real Texan today,

176. MF Thatherton.

177. Uh, Jo Tiffany, you better make that pie a la mode.

178. Under your very feet, Mr. Holloway

179. is what's called the propane crossroads.

180. It's the only place in the world

181. you can straddle the east and west pipelines.

182. You want Texas, Mr. Holloway.

183. This is Texas.

184. Where are the oil wells?

185. Where are the rattlers?

186. JR, I want to buy a six-shooter.

187. Careful, now.

188. This frito pie is spicy, spicy, spicy.

189. Oh… Oh.

190. Mmm. Oh, that's… that's yummy, yes.

191. It's wonderful.

192. But Peggy, you shouldn't make such a fuss over me.

193. I just want you to be yourself while I'm here.

194. That is the only gal I know how to be.

195. I told you nicely to buy me a gun.

196. Well, I know it's always fun to take home a keepsake,

197. but your time is so valuable.

198. Whew! Look at all this nothing.

199. What's the suicide rate out here?

200. Uh, do you mean right here?

201. Cause this is where Holloway hollows is going up.

202. Something's wrong.

203. Yeah, it's the darn unions.

204. Come on, boys. Finish up them Little Debbies

205. and get back to work.

206. No, no. Something's wrong with you.

207. Where's your cowboy boots?

208. I don't have cowboy boots.

209. You know, Mr. Holloway

210. Texas has changed a lot since the 1850s.

211. Aw, geez, I just wanted to see some boots

212. or spurs or anything.

213. I come all the way from Boston to see Texas,

214. and you don't have real boots or guns or nothing.

215. Thatherton!

216. Uh, you know, Mr. Holloway

217. I once had a pair of boots.

218. And, uh… and then, one day,

219. my Uncle Fess lost his in a tornado.

220. Oh, you mean a twister?

221. - Yup. - Huh?

222. A big Texas-sized twister.

223. I tell you what.

224. Well, that dang twister

225. sucked his boots plumb off.

226. Well, you can't bury a man in his stocking feet.

227. It's the cowboy code.

228. So I gave him my boots,

229. and that's the story of what happened to my boots.

230. Wow, this is great, JR.

231. I always thought you were afraid to wear boots

232. 'cause your toes were too fat.

233. In the summer of 1953,

234. something that I treasure happened right there

235. in that pink house.

236. What, Peggy?

237. The noted poet, Ogden Nash wrote his poem, The Cow.

238. "The cow is of the bovine ilk."

239. "One end is moo, the other milk."

240. Sir, uh…

241. I don't really recommend a cowboy boot

242. for a chubby-toed customer like yourself.

243. You might want to try a Birkenstock sandal.

244. Shut the hell up.

245. Here's your spurs, JR

246. I helped pick them out.

247. Well, that sure would complete the outfit,

248. but I don't want to scar the carpet.

249. Who cares about the carpet?

250. You hurt my feelings.

251. You know what else he needs?

252. A hat.

253. Yeah! Yeah!

254. A big old cowboy hat.

255. I want to see Texas with a guy

256. in a big cowboy hat like mine.

257. I'm not wearing a dumb hat!

258. Ha! I thought you were a real Texan

259. like that Thatherton fellow from the coffee shop.

260. I'm only not wearing the hat because of my solemn vow I made

261. to president Lyndon Baines Johnson

262. on the occasion of the birth of his daughter, Lynda Bird.

263. Lyndon Johnson killed our Kennedy.

264. Oh.

265. And this!

266. Hey, man! Look at them rhinestone cowboy, man.

267. Oh, lord. Not now!

268. Look, JR.

269. An injun and a hillbilly.

270. Hey, man!

271. You might want to call Dr. Scholls, man, 911.

272. Y'all look like that dang old Hoss Cartwright

273. with that old crap man. Yo!

274. - Alright. Turn. - Toe cramp! Toe cramp!

275. Hurry!

276. Oh… All right!

277. What is going on, Hank?

278. The way Bobby tells it

279. you bought my freedom from the Comanches with your rodeo winnings?

280. And you were worth every penny.

281. Uh, look, Peggy

282. being a salesman is a little like being an actor.

283. I'm just playing a role, you know,

284. like that fella at the dinner theater you liked so much.

285. Oh, this is not Camelot, and you are not Jason Alexander.

286. Uh, you're not wearing that to dinner, are you?

287. What, you don't like it?

288. I got this pantsuit special for tonight.

289. It's from Frumpy's.

290. Yeah. Don't you still have that bridesmaid outfit you wore

291. to one of Luanne's mama's weddings?

292. Oh, here.

293. You know, I'd forgotten just how pretty this is.

294. Hey, Dad!

295. I was going over this stuff

296. you told Mr. Holloway.

297. How could mom get pregnant with me

298. if you spent the '80s in a Mexican POW Camp?

299. Look, Bobby, uh…

300. Some of that stuff, uh…

301. The details aren't so important.

302. I got to get my facts straight, Dad!

303. There's a Q&A after my speech tomorrow,

304. and these Sunday school kids are tough.

305. I'll help you, son.

306. I promise.

307. When I get home tonight, we'll sit down and go over anything

308. you might have, uh… taken out of context.

309. Oh, I am so sorry Mrs. Holloway didn't feel well enough to join us.

310. I guess something she ate on the plane didn't agree with her.

311. Hi, Mrs. Holloway.

312. You want some cold frito pie?

313. Ah, she'll be fine.

314. Besides, every man needs to be cut

315. from his ball and chain now and again.

316. Ain't that right, JR?

317. Mr. Hill, your table is ready.

318. The four-top at 39 needs ice tea, hon.

319. 86 the jalapeño cornbread.

320. Howdy, partners.

321. Welcome to the Panhandler.

322. Home of the world's longest salad bar

323. and second longest sneeze guard.

324. Would you cowboys care to take on our 72-ounce Lonestar Steak?

325. Finish it, and it's free.

326. How much if you can't finish it?

327. Well, sir, like my daddy always said

328. if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

329. That's what I'm having.

330. Lord, no, Mr. Holloway.

331. You're going to fill up on free stuff!

332. Hey, Roy Rogers!

333. Halloween was last year.

334. Mr. Holloway, these are, uh, my neighbors,

335. Dale and Nancy Gribble.

336. Mr. Holloway came all the way from Boston.

337. Yeah, I know the place.

338. That's in Taxachusetts, ain't it?

339. Say hello to Willie Horton for me when you get home.

340. He's teachin' at your kindergarten.

341. I'm sorry, Mr. Gribble,

342. but a cowboy don't talk politics at the chow wagon.

343. Happy trails.

344. I haven't got my croutons yet.

345. Mmm.

346. Oh, stick a fork in me. I'm done.

347. No. No, you're not.

348. Give me a quarter, JR.

349. I'm going to go test my grip.

350. Mmm, yeah. I thought so.

351. You've got something right there on your back, honey.

352. What?

353. Footprints.

354. Break time's over, darling.

355. The kitchen's backed up.

356. Well, I have had just about all I can swallow.

357. How about you, JR?

358. Peggy, I'm making progress here.

359. I can always tell

360. when a customer's ready for the close.

361. Mr. Thatherton, your table is ready.

362. Thatherton!

363. And his table is ready! I got to go!

364. JR! My friend, Thatherton, is taking me to that club

365. where all the waitresses are former Dallas cowboy cheerleaders.

366. Too late, Thatherton.

367. If anyone's taking Holloway

368. to a gentlemen's club, it's me.

369. Well, I'll see you over there, then.

370. I like that guy.

371. Holloway, don't move a muscle.

372. Get me some protection, too.

373. The man I admire most is my dad, Hank Hill.

374. Okay! Have fun, boys.

375. Whew! I thought you might be mad.

376. Uh, 'cause I was supposed to help Bobby, and instead…

377. We're going to…

378. Jugstore cowboys.

379. As part of my work-required sales excursion…

380. That, as I said keeps you in pretty dresses like that one.

381. Get out.

382. Uh, Peggy, could you loan me, uh… 50 bucks ought to cover it.

383. And… and can I have ones, you know, for the g-strings?

384. How versatile is propane?

385. Well, propane will do everything that natural gas will do and more.

386. Please, ma'am! I'm trying to carry on a conversation!

387. Yeah, yeah, I see your rear very nice.

388. Okay, there's some people over there that want to look, too.

389. Now, how about it, Mr. Holloway?

390. Will you say yes to Strickland propane?

391. Buy me a mint julep.

392. Heck, that's not a Texas drink.

393. You can't even keep your stereotypes straight.

394. Hey, come on, buy me a mint julep.

395. Then I'll talk to you about propane.

396. Mint julep, please.

397. Mint julep?

398. Yeah. It's not for me.

399. I got a yankee client.

400. - Hmm… He make you wear that hat? - Yep.

401. Oh, honey, I know exactly how you feel.

402. Every night, my boss makes me put on this humiliating outfit

403. to seduce some drunk out of his money.

404. We're a lot alike.

405. Why do we do it, uh…

406. Chiffon?

407. We do it for the money, cowboy.

408. I never made six figures a year at the potato hut.

409. - Six figures? - Oh, yeah.

410. Soon I'll have enough money to stay home

411. with my granddaughter and her baby.

412. I should be home, too.

413. Helping my boy with his Sunday school report.

414. Hey… How about a lap dance?

415. - Honey, what are you still doing up? - I don't get it.

416. How could he have fought in the Spanish-American war

417. the same year he invented

418. the world's first pressure-cooking chicken fryer?

419. Oh, Bobby, your father never fought in any war.

420. Oh, I know. I've given up on dad.

421. The man I most admire now is Colonel Sanders.

422. Here's your julep, Holloway.

423. Let's talk propane.

424. You call this a mint julep?

425. Where's the vodka?

426. Where's the tomato juice?

427. Maybe I ought to let Thatherton buy my drinks from now on,

428. I tell you what.

429. Mister, I'll tell you what.

430. I don't want your business, not this way.

431. You want to go with Thatherton, go.

432. But one of these days

433. when your propane mixture's only 89%,

434. and you have a smelly condo development full of crying babies

435. whose bottles haven't been properly heated,

436. you give me a call. My name is Hank Hill,

437. and I sell propane and propane accessories

438. with honor and dignity.

439. Aw, them's fighting words, JR.

440. This isn't a John Wayne movie, Holloway.

441. I'm not going to fight you.

442. I'll fight you, Pilgrim.

443. Oh.

444. Yee-haw!

445. I'll throw one right in your face!

446. He doesn't have an oil well.

447. He doesn't own a Cadillac.

448. And he doesn't wear cowboy boots

449. because he's not a cowboy,

450. and on account of they squish his toes.

451. But the man I admire most is a real Texan.

452. He is my daddy, Hank Hill.

453. That's my boy! Yeah!

454. Thank you, thank you.

455. And I want to thank my dad,

456. especially for accepting me and raising me as his own,

457. even though I was fathered by another man

458. while Mr. Hank Hill was in a Mexican POW Camp.

459. Thank you.