King of the Hill 2x9

Directed by Klay Hall

Billy West as Mr. Holloway (voice) • Stockard Channing as Mrs. Holloway (voice) • Burt Reynolds as M.F. Thatherton (voice)

Hank struggles to portray himself and his life as that of a stereotypical Texan cowboy's for a Hollywood cowboy movie fan in order to secure a business deal for Strickland Propane.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Yeah, that was good.

2. That's what I like about wrestling. There aren't any rules.

3. You can do anything to a guy: jump on him, stick him with a pin...

4. The only limit is your imagination.

5. Don't they have any girl wrestlers in this game?

6. No, but some of the older ones have some breasts.

7. Connie, that was your mom on the phone.

8. She wants to make sure you were doing your homework.

9. - Am I in trouble? - I don't think so.

10. I told her you were busy "wrestling" with some word problems.

11. - Oh, Peggy. - Thanks, Mrs. Hill.

12. I guess I'd better start my math homework.

13. That's gotta hurt!

14. Thanks.

15. This is Hill.

16. Dust off your gym skirt, Peggy. We need a sub for girls' sports.

17. - Location? - Tom Landry Middle School.

18. - Duration? - Indefinite.

19. Did the previous instructor leave a lesson plan, calendar,

20. notes on a Post-it?

21. Well, that's sort of a funny story, actually.

22. See, there is no previous girls' coach.

23. We sort of forgot to hire one.

24. So, where are you stationed today, soldier? Fort Mathematics?

25. No, today I'm teaching Gym.

26. Now, that's serious, Peggy.

27. Gym is where a boy learns teamwork and the importance of winning.

28. Actually, I'm teaching girls' Gym.

29. Good luck to you. Do I have a clean shirt?

30. Why choose basketball?

31. Well, for one thing, it's the only sport

32. where you get to bounce a ball.

33. You bounce a football... Well, that's a fumble, isn't it?

34. Baseball, no bouncing at all.

35. Bounce a ball in hockey, that's a mandatory drug test, right there.

36. So join the basketball team.

37. Thank you.

38. Cool.

39. A little staged, but it's still pretty good.

40. Gentlemen, I'm not going to try to win you over

41. with a lot of fancy talk about bouncing.

42. I just want you to know one thing:

43. Every kid who shows up to wrestle will earn a place on the team

44. and the right to wear this.

45. Silver piping!

46. Good morning, class. I am Mrs. Peggy Hill, or Coach Hill.

47. Now, we are offering you girls a special program

48. which combines the thrills of wrestling with the skills of basketball

49. in something we call "general sports."

50. All right. Listen up.

51. Go on.

52. I want to start by showing you a basic move.

53. And I need a volunteer.

54. You there. Just come at me.

55. That's called a center-step, single-leg attack.

56. Now, what are you going to do? Now what, big man?

57. You gonna dump me? You gonna pin me?

58. This'll teach you to pull a knife on me!

59. Hard to stop a guy when you're hopping around all day, Hoppy?

60. - What? - All right, good job.

61. I hear Eddie Tucker started patching his driveway.

62. Yep.

63. - Where'd he get his asphalt? - Johnson's.

64. Dad, guess what? I joined a team.

65. A sports team?

66. Wrestling. It's the best sport ever, Dad.

67. - There's no running. - Way to go, boy!

68. Wrestling's a damn fine sport.

69. Hell, it's an Olympic sport.

70. This is offered through the school, right?

71. Not some guy in a van with a camcorder?

72. It's the real thing.

73. - I'm in a very advanced weight class. - You hear that, guys?

74. Bobby made a school team today, without me even being the coach.

75. Congratulations, Hank.

76. What are you here for?

77. Well, Dooley, a preteen girl is like a skinny little tree

78. about to enter the hurricane of adolescence.

79. And if we don't protect and nurture this little tree,

80. before you know it, she'll be bitter and pregnant.

81. For that reason, I'm asking the principal for a new basketball for the girls.

82. I peed in some kid's locker.

83. Girls' sports are a joke.

84. Yeah, if I just jim-jangle my schedule a bit,

85. I think I can make it to all of Bobby's practices.

86. What a great time in a boy's father's life!

87. Hank?

88. - What if Bobby was a girl? - Well, that's just it.

89. I don't think we have to worry about that anymore.

90. Do you know what the principal said

91. when I asked for more basketballs for the girls?

92. He said the money was earmarked

93. to put holograms on tickets to the football games.

94. Holograms prevent ticket fraud, Peggy.

95. - There's a lot of sick people out there. - It's just not fair.

96. It's like nothing has changed since I was a kid.

97. - Can you run as well as you can hit? - Yes, sir. I sure can.

98. Then run over to the store and get these boys some sody pop.

99. Thatta girl!

100. Yeah, boys love soda pop.

101. We got to remember to bring some to Bobby's practice.

102. Looking good, son.

103. You too, Dad.

104. I wanted to give you this before practice.

105. You know, you might not be here if it weren't for this cup.

106. It's made from the finest American steel

107. ever to come out of Pittsburgh, PA.

108. This used to be mine, and before that it was your grandfather's.

109. There's holes in it.

110. How am I supposed to drink out of this?

111. - Bobby, it's not for— - Gotcha!

112. Rhythm, girls!

113. First you blow, then you throw!

114. Hit 'em high, hit 'em low.

115. Landry, Landry, go, go, go!

116. Good spirit, Hill.

117. Can I have some Gatorade now?

118. Sure, kid. You're sweating plenty.

119. - Hey, Connie. How's it going? - Not so good.

120. I just found out we're not getting uniforms.

121. You're better off.

122. We have home uniforms, away uniforms...

123. It's so confusing.

124. Did you learn the pile driver yet?

125. That's not really a wrestling move.

126. Real wrestling is about holds.

127. You got your head locks, your leg locks, your belly locks.

128. If you got it, we'll lock it.

129. Here, I'll show you.

130. - Cool. - There's no way out.

131. - Try. - You mean like that?

132. No, you didn't use real wrestling.

133. If you use wrestling, it's impossible to get out.

134. But good try.

135. Hill, Doug here needs some extra room to scrimmage.

136. So, can you run a posture drill or something?

137. Get the girls against the wall?

138. No, I'm afraid I cannot.

139. I am teaching general sports here, and I need a general area.

140. Yeah...

141. General sports was something Doug here came up with.

142. It's like home economics, sort of a code word for "busy work."

143. The one thing general sports was not meant to do,

144. and Doug can back me up on this, is take up space.

145. Okay, then.

146. I'm expanding my needs.

147. General sports is now total sports.

148. I need the whole gym and all the equipment

149. and Doug can back me up on that.

150. It's over, Mrs. Hill.

151. Maybe sports wasn't such a good idea.

152. Maybe I should do yearbook instead, or chess club.

153. Connie, don't you say that.

154. Yearbook is a shameful, squalid waste of time.

155. You just tell me what sport you want to play,

156. and I will make sure you play it.

157. What if it's not a girls' sport?

158. Pooh. There's no such thing as boys' or girls' sports. There's just sports.

159. Then I want to wrestle.

160. Well then, we will show those coaches

161. there's nothing a boy can do that a girl can't.

162. Go ahead. Punch it!

163. Look at that! Pig in a blanket. And my Bobby is the chef, not the weenie.

164. All right, ladies, hit the showers.

165. And no Oklahoma car washes, neither.

166. Get your hair wet.

167. What are you doing?

168. Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

169. No, not today, coach.

170. Today, I'm teaching a lesson in fairness.

171. I have someone here who would like to join the wrestling team.

172. And her name is Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.

173. Does she speak the English language?

174. Of course she speaks English.

175. Well then, tell her wrestling's a boys' sport, and that's final.

176. No, it's not.

177. Title 9 of the Civil Rights Act prohibits sex discrimination

178. in public schools, and guarantees equal athletic opportunities

179. for all boys and girls.

180. Roe v. Wade doesn't apply to my wrestling team.

181. Oh, I think you'll find it does apply.

182. Come on, Connie.

183. Mrs. Hill, isn't Roe v. Wade—

184. I know, dear, but you have to pick your battles.

185. It was nice of you to come by, Peggy Hill.

186. You can stay until you finish your Zinfandel.

187. But wrestling is a boys' sport. Connie might get hurt.

188. Boys are given the opportunity to get hurt all the time.

189. Connie deserves the same chance.

190. If Connie gonna get a workout, should be up here.

191. Build mental toughness to get into good college.

192. Hire former wrestlers to pave her driveway.

193. Dad, maybe being on the wrestling team can help me get into Harvard.

194. Remember how disappointed you were with my application essay?

195. You said my first draft lacked life experience.

196. She right. Connie play violin, sculpt with metal,

197. and speak three languages. But what set her apart?

198. I thought being smart person in Texas set her apart.

199. Maybe that not enough.

200. I'm sure that wrestling will have a wonderful effect on Connie.

201. Ever since my Bobby joined the team,

202. I've seen marked improvements in his social skills and in his balance.

203. Wait a minute. Bobby Hill is your son?

204. Very good. You follow trail of clues that start with same last name.

205. Where you find this guy? Scotland Yard?

206. Mr. Solinfonissinphone, I'm sure there's a simple solution to all this.

207. Perhaps you could persuade your lovely little gal to take gymnastics.

208. Asian girls usually excel at gymnastics. With their tiny little feet,

209. the balance beam seems as wide as a sidewalk.

210. Kahn Jr., you want to take gymnastics?

211. Gymnastics blows.

212. You heard her. If my girl doesn't wrestle,

213. I'll show you who put the "sue" in Souphanousinphone.

214. Cherry is strictly an after-wrestling Gatorade.

215. But lemon-lime is good any time.

216. All right, Tinkerbells, listen up. We got a situation here.

217. The girls' gym sub has got a bee in her bonnet

218. about co-eding our team.

219. Long story short: we got a gal on deck.

220. I know. But there's nothing we can do.

221. It all goes back to Title 9, Dick Nixon's biggest mistake.

222. I know I told you there's a place on this team for all comers, but now...

223. I'm not so sure everybody's going to make the team.

224. Hey, Bobby! Did you hear?

225. Your mom is gonna get me on the wrestling team.

226. Now we can hang out all afternoon

227. and my mom won't care 'cause it's practice.

228. I can't remember my combination when you're talking.

229. Okay.

230. This could take a while.

231. Okay.

232. Mom made the coach take Connie on the wrestling team

233. and now he's out to get me.

234. Oh, no! We were so close.

235. It's all well and good to talk about equal rights

236. until some man loses his job. How's that equal?

237. Yeah. It's worse when they take away our favors,

238. 'cause we're used to getting them.

239. Now, hold on, Hank.

240. I'm all for ladies wrestling, except when they do it in pudding.

241. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make pudding.

242. Ever since they had that big women's conference in Beijing,

243. co-ed sports has been the number-two priority

244. on the international feminite agenda.

245. You want to know what the number-one priority is?

246. - Please, not right now, Dale. - Co-ed bathrooms.

247. It will be a cold day in hell before we institute that in the Gribble home.

248. Bobby was on the verge of getting a nickname.

249. I thought you were keeping busy teaching girls how to blow up basketballs.

250. When did this turn into a desire to ruin wrestling?

251. Gimme a break. I don't see why having a girl on the team would ruin it.

252. Did a woman judge ruin the Supreme Court?

253. Yes. And that woman's name was Earl Warren.

254. Take a seat, debutantes. I got an announcement.

255. Because of unprecedented interest in wrestling this year,

256. I decided to hold tryouts on Friday.

257. Instead of a guaranteed spot on the team,

258. this year, it'll be based on ability.

259. I know it isn't fair.

260. But, apparently, that's what some people like to call "progress."

261. First match, Kaiser versus Gutierrez,

262. Fino versus McJimsy,

263. Souphanousinphone versus Hill.

264. You got her into this, Peggy Hill. You can't abandon Connie now.

265. She need help. She need training.

266. I want to, Minh. I feel responsible. Connie is picking up the softball bat

267. that was ripped out of my hands as a girl

268. by that little man from the Little League.

269. But Bobby's my only son. I don't know if I could choose.

270. - Choose Connie. - But Bobby's my only—

271. That not my problem. Choose Connie.

272. What do I do?

273. Choose Connie.

274. Okay. We try "outside ankle breakdown."

275. Luanne, try to stop me.

276. Connie, you got the four-color pen? You take good note this time.

277. - Bill, for crying out loud! - I was listening.

278. Wrestling a girl. That's a tough one, Bobby.

279. If you win, you get the shame of having beat up a girl.

280. If you lose, you just better hope she snaps your neck.

281. That's the quickest way.

282. Yeah, man. Danged if you do, danged if you don't.

283. Dad, what am I gonna do? I'm danged here. I'm royally danged.

284. Now, the key to wrestling is the ability to explode.

285. The way I figure it,

286. if you can explode your way out of underneath the piece of wet carpet,

287. you can beat any 12-year-old in the county.

288. All right, here we go.

289. One, two, three, explode!

290. Explode, boy! Come on, Bobby, light the fuse.

291. You're a keg of dynamite!

292. That's it, boy. You got him where you want him.

293. Time to really explode!

294. Keg of dynamite!

295. Hey, Hill!

296. A bunch of us decided that if you don't beat that girl tomorrow,

297. we don't know what we'll do. So you'd better beat her.

298. Guys, there's no way I can lose. I'm in the best shape of my life.

299. Hey, there she is. Watch this.

300. How are you doing, Connie?

301. Can we please forget I ever said anything about this stupid wrestling thing?

302. What? No!

303. I go out on a giant limb for you, Kahn Jr.

304. If you lose, you no longer my son.

305. "Why don't you edit the yearbook, Peggy?

306. "You're so good with paste and scissors, Peggy."

307. Oh, yeah!

308. "Your arms are so strong, why don't you stir punch at the prom?"

309. Luanne! Quarters!

310. - I'm sorry, little Jeffrey. - That's Bobby.

311. Oh, yeah.

312. I wanted to call him Jeffrey,

313. but some man wouldn't let me.

314. You mean Uncle Hank?

315. Remember, take old playmate down hard and fast.

316. Mom capture everything on video camera,

317. include in Harvard application.

318. Dad, I'm not even in high school yet.

319. You never get there with that attitude.

320. You're next, Hill.

321. I just wish your mom was here to see you.

322. She wanted to be here, but she had to sleep in.

323. Son, I know everyone's been filling your head with crazy stuff.

324. But I just want you to know this:

325. Connie killed your frog.

326. Attaboy, Bobby!

327. Way to go, Kahn Jr.!

328. What the hell is going on here?

329. That's not Olympic-style wrestling!

330. Nope, that's real wrestling.

331. I want to go to a party school. Yeah! Chico State.

332. She zombified him.

333. Snap out of it, Bobby.

334. That's gotta hurt.

335. Think they've had enough?

336. Not yet.

337. My eyes!

338. Connie, no mercy! Finish him!

339. Why are you smiling?

340. Did Bobby crush that poor girl and her dreams?

341. Nope.

342. So, that little witch whipped my boy?

343. No, they figured a way out.

344. Listen to the cheers, Peggy. I think they both won.

345. Oh, yeah!

346. Look at him explode! That's my boy!

347. That's our boy! That's our Jeffrey!

348. That's gotta hurt!