1. I'm cold.
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2. Why don't we just buy the worms
at a bait shop?
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3. Bait shop worms are factory-farm worms.
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4. They keep them in little cages
their whole lives.
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5. They never get to run around free.
It's sad, really.
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6. And the fish know the difference.
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7. Why don't you just buy the fish?
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8. You're missing the point.
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9. We don't fish for the fish.
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10. Ninety percent of what I like
about this sport, and it is a sport...
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11. is sitting in the boat
for five hours doing nothing.
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12. And the icing on the cake is when
God smiles on you and you hook one.
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13. And then when you're reeling it in,
everything else falls away.
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14. You don't think about taxes or traffic...
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15. or that pushy gal
that's trying to get into the Citadel...
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16. or who's going to take care of you...
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17. when your mother and I are old
and incapacitated.
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18. All there is
is a man, a rod, a lake, and a fish.
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19. And it all starts
with a hand-dug American worm.
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20. Dad, who is gonna take care of me?
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21. What the hell?
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22. Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there!
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23. Somebody's trying to steal my truck.
Hey! Get out of there!
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24. Let me go, man!
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25. You ain't going nowhere.
I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.
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26. - You can't do that.
- The hell I can't!
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27. - The hell he can't!
- Language, Bobby.
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28. As an American citizen,
I have the authority...
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29. to detain you until an officer
of the peace arrives.
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30. I also have the authority
to kick your ass...
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31. which is something that your father
obviously forgot to do.
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32. Billy Ray Walters,
you've entered a plea of guilty.
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33. Have your rights been explained to you?
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34. Rights?
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35. This had better not be one of them
Carter-appointee judges.
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36. No, that's Judge Rowland McFarland.
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37. He was in the paper
for his creative sentencing.
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38. Oh, great!
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39. Before I sentence you...
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40. I want to express the court's appreciation
to Mr. Hank Hill...
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41. Quiet, Peggy.
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42. Who apprehended you
at great risk to his own person.
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43. Hank's lucky he didn't get killed.
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44. I hope they lock that thief up
and throw away the key.
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45. That thief is my boyfriend.
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46. - Boyfriend?
- Okay, Hot-wire.
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47. Here's what we're gonna do.
You like trucks so much?
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48. For the next 3 months,
I sentence you to live in a truck.
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49. What the...
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50. In prison, they'll just teach you
how to be a better truck thief.
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51. So you're gonna spend the next 90 days
in the cab of a pickup. An import.
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52. Finally, a judge with some common sense.
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53. - Hill?
- Yeah, Hank Hill.
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54. You were holding my truck for evidence.
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55. Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.
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56. Yes, here it is: Space G-26.
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57. What the... Oh, my God!
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58. - What did you do to my truck?
- Let's see.
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59. The thief was inside your vehicle.
So under the law, we checked it for drugs.
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60. He was in my front seat.
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61. He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.
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62. We know that now.
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63. If I don't get out on the lake...
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64. my head is gonna pop a gasket.
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65. Honey, please, calm down.
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66. If you have a stroke,
who will help me take care of Bobby?
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67. Uncle Hank,
I got the '92 Ford truck schematic...
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68. and I've lined up all the parts.
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69. Dad, what are you looking for?
Are you looking for chicken?
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70. - It's right here. Chicken.
- I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.
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71. Relax.
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72. Here. Nancy gave me some ginseng tea.
She got it from John Redcorn...
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73. Ginseng? I don't need
to get all hopped up on dope.
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74. I get stressed out
at the beauty school sometimes...
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75. with all the combing and politics,
and I just do yoga.
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76. I can put my feet up behind my head.
Want me to show you?
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77. No!
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78. Keep your legs below your waist,
for God's sakes!
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79. Look, all I need to do
is get out on the lake, and fish.
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80. Listen to that silence.
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81. - You ever hear anything so quiet?
- Hey, Boomhauer!
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82. Trade you one of my garlic-scented lures
for one of your electric ones.
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83. Why don't you guys call that stuff
Cheater bait.
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84. You and your worms
are fishing in the past.
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85. In the days of black-and-white televisions,
and a democratically elected Congress.
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86. Got one, man! It's a big ol'...
Man, look at them big ol' teeth on him!
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87. Acts like a big ol' taco grande, man,
with them dang ol'...
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88. Dang, Boomhauer! She's a beauty.
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89. Say, "Cheese to meet you."
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90. Okay, catch and release.
Time to throw her back.
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91. All right, fella, there you go.
Tell your friends:
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92. "Plenty more where that came from."
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93. Oh, yeah. Check it out.
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94. "Hank calls it cheater bait.
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95. "But I call it scrumdiligarlicicious."
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96. Ingrate.
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97. Hank, maybe
you should be taking the pictures.
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98. Give you something to do.
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99. You guys may be catching fish...
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100. but I'm the only one fishing God's way,
with a worm.
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101. You know what I just realized?
Hank hasn't caught a fish.
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102. - You looking to go for a swim, Bill?
- No.
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103. You know what else I just realized?
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104. This is the first time any of us
has caught more fish than Hank.
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105. Come on, Bill. Don't rub his nose in it.
Wingo, man!
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106. I am the greatest.
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107. So, we're all meeting at the pharmacy
to get aloe vera for Bill's back.
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108. Maybe I'll meet you guys later.
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109. I'm going down to the bait shop
to buy some new hooks.
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110. Dang, Ray! What happened?
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111. Did I miss one of your
"Ray's Gone Trout of His Mind" sales?
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112. I'm going trout of business.
I can't compete with the Mega Lo Mart.
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113. I hate Mega Lo Mart.
People go there just to save a nickel...
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114. end up putting half of Arlen
out of business.
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115. Anyway, what brings you in?
New rod, new reel, what?
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116. Actually, I was thinking
of trying one of them scented lures.
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117. Maybe vanilla.
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118. You've given up the worm?
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119. She let me down. I reeled in empty today.
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120. How about some fluorescent salmon eggs...
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121. or marshmallow bait,
or some blood-dough balls?
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122. I tried those before.
They don't beat the worm.
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123. Hey, I know.
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124. You ever hear of a guy named Jack?
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125. I went to high school with a fella named...
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126. This guy never went to school.
He grew up in the hills.
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127. But he wrote the book on homemade bait.
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128. Course, it's just a bunch of scribbles,
'cause he never went to school.
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129. - Where's his shop?
- He don't have a shop.
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130. He sells his stuff out of his truck
at the corner of 6th and Woodmont.
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131. Well, thanks.
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132. I'll come by tomorrow
and pick up your propane tank.
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133. Why don't you call first?
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134. Hey, G!
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135. Whaddaya want, whaddaya need?
Looking to buy?
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136. G...
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137. I am looking to buy.
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138. - Are you Jack?
- I got your jack right here, Jack.
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139. As I was telling Ray, Jack...
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140. I've been thinking
about trying something new.
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141. Whatcha need?
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142. I've always been a worm man...
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143. but Ray was telling me about your bait...
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144. Bait? You call it "bait."
I like that. What you looking to spend?
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145. Well, I got $20.
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146. $20 will get you all the bait you need.
Rock on!
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147. Freshness jars.
Sure don't get that at Mega Lo Mart.
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148. Come on, Hank,
fish or get off the pot.
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149. Just a second.
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150. How the heck does Jack fish
with this stuff?
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151. I like beer, Hank.
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152. Don't you like beer? I love beer.
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153. - Beer is...
- Got one! Yeah!
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154. Sweet Gene Vincent! I'm back!
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155. Dang, man! That's quick. You done hooked.
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156. Hank's the man.
Man, you're the fishing magician, man.
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157. All right there, Red Head. Back you go.
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158. Looks like they're hungry for worms today.
Pass me one, will you, Hank?
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159. What's the matter?
Batteries go dead on your electric spinner?
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160. Whoa, Hank! What you got there?
Blood-dough balls?
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161. Dale, Hank only fishes with worms.
Why, anything else would be cheating.
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162. Well, well, well.
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163. Looks like our friend is a "hippiecrit."
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164. Hold on there. This is natural bait.
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165. Homemade in the USA.
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166. Hank, you can offer all the denials
and rationalizations you want...
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167. but the bottom line is still the same.
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168. - We want to try that bait.
- Yeah, man.
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169. All right. Ease off.
A little chunk will do you.
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170. Now that is the dangdest thing!
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171. This is the same fish I just threw back.
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172. Come on, darling. Time to get wet.
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173. Come on now. Off my hook.
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174. Go on now, get.
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175. Vámonos.
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176. Oh, man! Now I have to reapply
my sunscreen.
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177. I tell you what, I caught more fish today
than I did in the '80s.
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178. And those were the Reagan years.
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179. Somebody call Ripley.
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180. 'Cause he's the only one who'll believe
how many fish I caught this morning.
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181. Is that where you've been?
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182. - Oh, good Lord! The sun just came up.
- No, it didn't.
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183. It rose at 4:57 a. M...
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184. exactly one hour after I landed
two 10-pound bucket mouths...
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185. on a single hook.
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186. I tell you, it's like they were fighting
over that piece of Jack's miracle bait.
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187. What are you buying bait for, Dad?
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188. Remember, you said it all starts
with a hand-dug American worm?
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189. No. I mean, yes, that's how it starts.
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190. But a lot of things end up
different from where they start.
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191. Like, remember that time
I started building you a clubhouse...
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192. and I ended up with a new tool shed?
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193. So, Luanne, how's my truck?
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194. Bad news, Uncle Hank.
I had to order a new fuel pump.
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195. I figured it was urgent,
so I asked them to UPS it.
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196. Good thing I just got back from fishing,
or that would bother me.
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197. It's kind of starting to bother me.
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198. Yep, I'm bothered.
I had better get on the lake.
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199. I'll tell you, I can't wait
to try some more of your new bait.
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200. My bait? I wish I could help you,
but I only have a little bit left.
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201. That's all right. It only takes a little
bit to catch the hogs with that stuff.
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202. Yeah, it's too bad I'm all out.
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203. You just said you had a little left.
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204. - That's right, and then I used it up.
- Don't lie to us, friend.
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205. 'Cause when you lie,
you make an ass out of you and me.
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206. Yeah, don't be bogarting
that dang ol' bait.
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207. Anyway, I just remembered I promised
Bobby I'd take him fishing...
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208. just the two of us. See you.
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209. I'd take a stick of that gum.
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210. I'm tired.
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211. When's the part where we get to
sit around for five hours doing nothing?
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212. That's a good one, son.
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213. Wake up, Hank. We're being burgled.
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214. You go check on Bobby.
I'll go see what's going on.
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215. We'll just see
how much of that bait he has left.
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216. You! Drop that tackle box!
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217. It's okay.
It's me, Dale Gribble.
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218. I said drop the box!
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219. My termite inspection is concluded.
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220. Congratulations, you passed!
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221. Can I have some more butter
for my pancakes?
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222. That's it! I'm going fishing.
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223. Come on, take the bait.
You know you want it.
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224. Where are you going? This ain't a worm.
This is the good stuff.
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225. Oh, man, the wonder bait! For me?
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226. - Wait a minute. What's wrong with it?
- It doesn't work anymore.
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227. The fish won't touch the stuff.
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228. - They spit it out like poison. I don't get it.
- I get it.
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229. Take it from a graduate
of the Exterminators Academy at Humble.
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230. You've introduced a new element
into their ecosystem.
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231. They've gotten wise to it.
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232. You need something stronger.
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233. Cockroach 101.
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234. Now, don't get me wrong, Jack.
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235. I'm not criticizing your product,
or by extension, you.
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236. Yeah, I get it, Jack.
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237. - What you need is something stronger.
- Exactly.
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238. You understand. What am I saying?
Of course you understand.
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239. You're a fisherman.
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240. - I'll have what he's having.
- Dale? What are you doing here?
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241. I followed you. Every twist and every turn.
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242. By the way, I'm gonna need
to follow you home.
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243. Freeze!
Hands where I can see them!
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244. This is all my fault.
I got you started on that ginseng tea...
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245. and with your addictive personality,
of course that led to...
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246. I swear, Peggy,
I thought I was buying fishing bait.
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247. Don't lie to me, Hank.
I am not stupid.
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248. I am a substitute teacher,
not one of your drug-smoking friends.
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249. Mr. Hill, this bass-fishing defense
isn't going to cut it.
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250. - Were you abused as a child?
- What? No!
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251. Are you sure? Juries eat that up.
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252. Maybe I ought to tie
that long hair on your head...
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253. to the short hair on your ass,
and kick you down the street.
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254. I told you I am not a doper.
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255. Come on, Mr. Hill.
We all use drugs. Even the President.
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256. Not my President. I voted for Dole.
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257. The only thing he's on is pain killers,
and he earned it.
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258. Next case. Misters Gribble and Hill.
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259. Nice to see you again, Mr. Hill.
I assume you are the arresting citizen.
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260. No. It's the funniest kind of mix-up,
Your Honor...
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261. Just one moment.
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262. Mr. Gribble,
remove your hat in my courtroom.
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263. I do not recognize the authority of a
court that hangs the gold-fringed flag.
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264. A flag with gilded edges
is the flag of an Admiralty court.
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265. An Admiralty court
signifies a Naval court-martial.
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266. I cannot be court-martialed twice.
That is all.
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267. - Furthermore...
- Bailiff, gag him.
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268. This must be a typo.
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269. Mr. Hill, you're the last person
I expected to be a drug user.
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270. Objection, Your Honor.
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271. My dad doesn't use drugs.
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272. The only thing he needs
to be happy is fishing. Sustained.
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273. That's right, Judge.
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274. The strongest thing I use
is BC Headache Powder, I tell you what.
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275. I may have accidentally purchased,
once or twice...
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276. some illegal substances,
but I was using them...
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277. quite successfully I
might add, as fish bait.
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278. Fish bait?
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279. - Guilty.
- I told you. I told him, Your Honor.
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280. That's enough out of you. You're fired.
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281. Judge, I'm not lying to you here.
I'm no criminal. I'm just a fisherman.
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282. I don't like your story...
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283. but you've got the haircut
of an honest man.
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284. I'm willing to give you a chance
to prove you're not a liar.
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285. - You say you were using the stuff as bait?
- Yes, sir.
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286. I'm a bit of an angler myself.
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287. Tomorrow, you, me, and your bald buddy
there are gonna go out to the lake.
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288. You'll show me how to catch
a wide-mouthed bass with a rock of crack.
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289. Well, hold on a second.
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290. You see, the fish
won't take the bait anymore.
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291. - The ecosystem is changed and...
- I've made my ruling.
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292. Either you reel one in tomorrow,
or the two of you...
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293. are gonna spend the next 24 months
making Texas State license plates.
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294. Fidelity Mutual Insurance...
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295. v. Layaway Ray's bait shop.
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296. It's been six hours.
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297. You ready to admit your crime
and do your time?
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298. No, sir, Your Honor.
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299. I'm making progress here. I can feel it.
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300. Wingo, man! I think I got one.
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301. Hold on to her, Dale. Don't let her go.
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302. - Thank you, Lord.
- Well, I'll be!
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303. Looks like you boys
were telling the truth after all.
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304. - Gribble, this fish is frozen.
- I caught it. That's my position.
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305. You obviously bought this
at a grocery store.
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306. You try something like that again,
I'll double your sentence.
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307. Dale, you giblet-head,
if you were gonna cheat...
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308. why the hell did you buy a frozen bass?
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309. I had a coupon.
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310. All right. Five more minutes and that's it.
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311. I got to be at a lethal
injection by midnight.
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312. Get your butt off the cooler, Duke.
His Honor wants a pudding.
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313. Hank, don't do it.
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314. We've already tried to cheat.
He'll double our sentence.
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315. I'm not cheating now, Dale.
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316. Using cheater bait was cheating.
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317. I got greedy.
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318. I'm no better than that lazy greaseball
who tried to steal my truck.
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319. Let's face the facts.
We're going to prison.
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320. And all we'll have to dream about
is the last time we went fishing.
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321. I don't know about you,
but I want to remember casting off...
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322. with a hand-dug American worm.
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323. Well, time's up.
Start rowing, Duke.
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324. Now, there's a man who loves to fish.
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325. Almost makes me sorry
to send him to the farm.
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326. She ain't pretty, but she's a bass
all right! You're free to go.
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327. She's the most beautiful fish I
ever caught, I tell you what!
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328. Hold her up, Hank. She's a wall-hanger.
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329. He.
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330. That's it! I'm going fishing.
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