King of the Hill 2x5

1. Oh. I'm cold.

2. Why don't we just buy the worms at a bait shop?

3. Bait shop worms are factory-farm worms.

4. They keep them in little cages their whole lives.

5. They never get to run around free.

6. It's sad, really,

7. and the fish know the difference.

8. Why don't you just buy the fish?

9. Bobby, you're missing the point.

10. We don't fish for the fish.

11. 90% of what I like about this sport,

12. and it is a sport,

13. is sitting in the boat for five hours doing nothing.

14. And the icing on the cake is when God smiles on you,

15. and you hook one.

16. And then, when you're reeling it in, everything else falls away.

17. You don't think about taxes or traffic

18. or that pushy gal that's trying to get into the citadel

19. or who's going to take care of you

20. when your mother and I are old and incapacitated.

21. All there is is a man, a rod,

22. a lake and a fish and it all starts

23. with a hand-dug American worm.

24. Uh, Dad, who is going to take care of me?

25. What the heck?

26. Somebody's trying to steal my truck.

27. Hey! Hey, get out of there!

28. Hey! Let me go, man!

29. You ain't going nowhere.

30. I'm placing you under citizen's arrest.

31. You can't do that.

32. The heck I can't!

33. The heck he can't.

34. Language, Bobby.

35. As an American citizen,

36. I have the authority to detain you

37. until an officer of the peace arrives.

38. I also have the authority to kick your arse,

39. which is something that your father obviously forgot to do.

40. Billy Ray walters, you've entered a plea of guilty.

41. Have your rights been explained to you?

42. Rights? This better not be one of them Carter-appointee judges.

43. No, that's Judge Roland McFarland.

44. He was in the paper for his creative sentencing.

45. Oh, great.

46. Before I sentence you, I want to express the court's appreciation to Mr. Hank Hill.

47. Oh! Quiet, Peggy.

48. Who apprehended you at great risk to his own person.

49. Hank's lucky he didn't get killed.

50. I hope they lock that thief up and throw away the key.

51. That thief is my boyfriend.

52. Boyfriend?

53. Okay, hot wire, here's what we'll do,

54. you like trucks so much?

55. For the next three months, I'm sentencing you to live in a truck.

56. - What the? - If I send you to prison,

57. they'll just teach you how to be a better truck thief.

58. So you're going to spend the next 90 days in a pickup, an import.

59. Finally, a judge with some common sense.

60. Uh, Hill?

61. Yeah, Hank Hill.

62. You were holding my truck for evidence.

63. Here's a picture of her, if it'll help.

64. Oh, yes. Here it is.

65. Space g-26.

66. What the?

67. Oh, my God. What did you do to my truck?

68. Let's see, the thief was inside your vehicle

69. so, under the law, we had to check for drugs.

70. He was in my front seat.

71. He didn't hide any drugs in my spark plugs.

72. Well, we know that now, Mr. Hill.

73. If I don't get out on the lake,

74. my head is going to pop a gasket.

75. Honey, please. Calm down.

76. Now, if you have a stroke, who will help me take care of Bobby?

77. Uncle Hank, I got the '92

78. Ford truck schematic,

79. and I've lined up all the parts.

80. Dad, what're you looking for? Are you looking for chicken?

81. It's right here, chicken.

82. I'm looking for my dang fishing shears.

83. Hank, relax.

84. Here. Nancy gave me some ginseng tea.

85. She got it from John Redcorn…

86. Ginseng? I don't need to get all hopped up on dope.

87. I get stressed out at the beauty school sometimes,

88. you know, with all the combing and politics,

89. and I just do yoga.

90. I can put my feet up behind my head. Want me to show you?

91. Uh, no! Keep your legs below your waist for goodness sakes.

92. Look, all I need to do is get out on the lake and fish.

93. Ah… Listen to that silence.

94. You ever hear anything so quiet?

95. Hey, Boomhauer.

96. Trade you one of my garlic-scented lures for one of your electric ones.

97. Why don't you guys call that stuff by its real name,

98. cheater bait.

99. You and your worms are fishing in the past, Hank,

100. in the days of black- and-white televisions

101. and a democratically elected congress.

102. Got one, man. Whew!

103. It's a big, old, man… Look at them there, that teeth on them.

104. It's like a dang old taco grande, man.

105. With them dang old… Whew!

106. Dang, Boomhauer, she's a beauty.

107. Say, cheese to meet you.

108. Okay, catch and release.

109. Time to throw her back.

110. All right, fella. There you go.

111. Tell your friends.

112. Plenty more where that came from.

113. Oh, yeah!

114. Oh, check it out.

115. Hank calls it cheater bait, but I call it scrum-dilly-garlic-icious.

116. Ow! Ingrate.

117. Hey, Hank, maybe you should be taking the pictures.

118. Give you something to do.

119. Hey, you guys may be catching fish, but I'm the only one fishing…

120. God's way, with a worm.

121. You know what I just realized?

122. Hank hasn't caught a fish.

123. You looking to go for a swim, Bill?

124. No. You know what else I just realized?

125. This is the first time any of us has caught more fish than Hank.

126. Come on, Bill.

127. Don't rub his nose in it.

128. Whoa! Wingo, man!

129. I am the greatest!

130. So,

131. We're all meeting at the pharmacy to get aloe vera for Bill's back?

132. Uh, maybe I'll meet you guys later.

133. I'm going down to the bait shop, buy some new, uh… hooks.

134. Dang, Ray.

135. What happened?

136. Did I miss one of your Ray's gone trout of his mind sales?

137. I'm going trout of business, Hank.

138. I can't compete with the Mega-Lo Mart.

139. I hate that Mega-Lo Mart.

140. People go there to save a nickel

141. end up putting half of Arlen out of business.

142. Uh-huh. Anyway, what brings you in?

143. New rod? New reel? What?

144. Actually, I was, uh,

145. thinking of trying one of them scented lures.

146. Maybe vanilla.

147. You giving up the worm, Hank?

148. She let me down, Ray.

149. I reeled in empty today.

150. Well, how 'bout some, uh, fluorescent salmon eggs

151. or some marshmallow bait, or some blood dough balls?

152. I tried those before. They don't beat the worm.

153. Hey, I know. You ever hear of a guy named Jack?

154. I went to high school with a fella named…

155. No, no, no, this guy never went to school.

156. He grew up in the hills,

157. but he wrote the book n homemade bait.

158. It's just a bunch of scribbles 'cause he never went to school.

159. - Hmm. Where's his shop? - Oh, he don't have a shop, Hank.

160. He sells his stuff out of his truck

161. corner of sixth and woodmont.

162. Well, thanks, Ray.

163. I'll come by tomorrow

164. and pick up your propane tank.

165. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. W-Why-why don't you call first?

166. Hey, G, what do ya want? What do ya need? Lookin' to buy?

167. Uh, gee.

168. I am looking to buy.

169. Uh. Are you Jack?

170. I got your jack. Right here, Jack.

171. Well, as I was telling Ray, Jack.

172. Uh, I've been thinking about trying something new.

173. What do ya need?

174. Well, I've always been a worm man,

175. but Ray was telling me about your bait, and…

176. Bait. You call it bait. I like that.

177. What are ya lookin' to spend?

178. Uh, well, I got 20.

179. Twenty'll get you all the bait you need, Jack.

180. Rock on.

181. Huh. Freshness jars.

182. Sure don't get that at Mega-Lo Mart.

183. Come on, Hank. Fish or get off the pot.

184. Uh, just a second.

185. How the heck does Jack fish with this stuff?

186. Mmm…

187. I like beer, Hank.

188. Don't you like beer?

189. I mean, I love beer.

190. - Beer is… - Oh, got one!

191. Ooh! Yeah!

192. Sweet Gene Vincent, I'm back.

193. Dang, man, that was quick, man.

194. Hank's the man.

195. You're a fishin' magician, man.

196. All right, there, redhead.

197. Back you go.

198. Oh, looks like they're hungry for worms today.

199. Pass me one, will you, Hank?

200. Uh, what's the matter?

201. Batteries go dead on your electric spinner?

202. Whoa, Hank. What you got there?

203. Blood doughballs?

204. Dale, Hank only fishes with worms.

205. Why, anything else would be cheating.

206. Well, well, well.

207. Looks like our friend is a hippy-crit.

208. Now, hold on there.

209. This is, uh, natural bait.

210. Homemade in the USA.

211. Look, Hank, you can offer all the denials

212. and rationalizations you want,

213. but the bottom line is still the same,

214. I want to try that bait!

215. - Yeah, man. Give us some bait. - Come on.

216. All right, ease off. A little chunk'll do ya.

217. Come on.

218. Whoa! Whoa! Wingo! Wham! Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

219. Well, now, that is the dangdest thing.

220. This is the same fish I just threw back.

221. Come on, darling.

222. Time to get wet.

223. Come on, now. Off my hook.

224. Go on, now. Git!

225. Uh… vámonos.

226. Oh, man, now I have to reapply my sunscreen.

227. I tell you what.

228. I caught more fish today than I did in the '80s,

229. and those were the Reagan years.

230. Somebody call Ripley

231. 'cause he's the only one who's going to believe

232. how many fish I caught this morning.

233. Is that where you've been?

234. Oh, good Lord, Hank. The sun just came up.

235. No, it didn't.

236. It rose at 4:57 a.m.

237. Exactly one hour after I landed two ten-pound bucketmouths

238. on a single hook.

239. I tell you, it's like they were fighting over that piece

240. of Jack's miracle bait.

241. What are you buying bait for, Dad?

242. Remember, you said

243. it all starts with a hand-dug American worm.

244. Uh, no. I, I mean

245. yes, that's how it starts,

246. but a lot of things end up different from where they start.

247. Like remember that time I started building you a clubhouse,

248. and I ended up with a new tool shed?

249. Uh…

250. So Luanne, how's my truck?

251. Mmm, bad news, Uncle Hank.

252. I had to order a new fuel pump.

253. I figured it was urgent, so I asked them to ups it.

254. Good thing I just got back from fishing or that would bother me.

255. Hmm. It's kind of starting to bother me.

256. Yep. I'm bothered.

257. I better get on the lake.

258. Now I tell you, Hank,

259. I can't wait to try some more of your new bait.

260. My bait?

261. Well, I wish I could help you, but I only have a little bit left.

262. Oh, well, that's all right.

263. Only takes a little bit to catch the hogs with that stuff.

264. Yeah. Yeah, it's too bad I'm all out.

265. Uh! You just said you had a little left.

266. That's right, and then I used it up.

267. Don't lie to us, friend, 'cause when you lie,

268. you make an arse out of you and me.

269. Yeah, Hank, man, don't be bogarting that dang ol' bait.

270. Uh, anyway,

271. I just remembered

272. I promised Bobby I'd take him fishing.

273. Just the two of us. See ya.

274. I'll take a stick of that gum.

275. I'm tired.

276. When's the part when we get to sit around for five hours

277. doing nothing?

278. That's a good one, son.

279. Wake up, Hank. We're being burgled.

280. Uh… Huh?

281. You go check on Bobby.

282. I'll see what's going on.

283. Mm-hmm. We'll just see how much of that bait he has left.

284. You! Drop that tackle box!

285. It's okay. It's me, Dale Gribble.

286. I said drop the box!

287. Uh…

288. Well, my termite inspection is concluded.

289. Congratulations. You passed.

290. Can I have some more butter for my pancakes?

291. That's it! I'm going fishing.

292. Aah…

293. Come on.

294. Come on, take the bait. You know you want it.

295. Where you going? This ain't a worm.

296. This is the good stuff.

297. Oh, man, the wonder bait.

298. For me?

299. Wait a minute.

300. What's wrong with it?

301. It doesn't work anymore.

302. The fish won't touch the stuff.

303. They spit it out like poison.

304. I don't get it.

305. I get it. Take it from a graduate of the exterminators academy at Umble.

306. You've introduced a new element into their ecosystem.

307. Problem, they've gotten wise to it.

308. Solution, you need something stronger.

309. Cockroach 101.

310. Now, don't get me wrong, Jack.

311. I'm not criticizing your product or, by extension, you.

312. Yeah, yeah, I get it, Jack.

313. What you need is something stronger.

314. Exactly! You understand. Oh, what am I saying?

315. Of course you understand. You're a fisherman.

316. I'll have what he's having.

317. Dale?

318. What are you doing here?

319. I followed you.

320. Every twist and every turn.

321. By the way, I'm going to need to follow you home.

322. Freeze! Hands where I can see 'em!

323. Huh?

324. This is all my fault.

325. I got you started on that ginseng tea.

326. And with your addictive personality of course, that led to your…

327. I swear, Peggy,

328. I thought I was buying fishing bait.

329. Don't lie to me, Hank.

330. I am not stupid.

331. I am a substitute teacher, not one of your drug-smoking friends.

332. Mr. Hill, this bass fishing defense isn't going to cut it.

333. Were you abused as a child?

334. What? No!

335. Are you sure? Juries eat that up.

336. Maybe I oughta tie that long hair on your head

337. to the short hair on your ass

338. and kick you down the street.

339. I told you I am not a doper.

340. Come on, Mr. Hill.

341. We all use drugs, even the president.

342. Not my president. I voted for Dole.

343. Only thing he's on is painkillers, and he earned it.

344. Next case. Gribble and Hill.

345. Nice to see you again, Mr. Hill. I assume you're the arresting citizen.

346. Well, no, it's, uh

347. it's the funniest kind of mix-up, your honor…

348. Just one moment. Mr. Gribble, remove your hat in my courtroom.

349. I do not recognize the authority of a court

350. that hangs the gold-fringed flag.

351. A flag with gilded edges is the flag of an admirality court.

352. An admirality court signifies a naval court-martial.

353. I cannot be court-martialed twice.

354. That is all. Furthermore…

355. Bailiff, gag him.

356. This must be a typo.

357. Mr. Hill, you're the last person I expected to be a drug user.

358. Objection, your honor.

359. My dad doesn't use drugs.

360. The only thing he needs to be happy is fishing.

361. Sustained.

362. That's right, judge.

363. The strongest thing I use is BC Headache powder, I tell you what.

364. I may have accidentally purchased once or twice

365. some, uh, illegal substances,

366. but I was using them quite successfully I might add, as fish bait.

367. Fish bait?

368. Guilty.

369. I told you. I told him, your honor.

370. That's enough out of you.

371. You're fired.

372. Judge, I'm not lying to you here.

373. I'm no criminal. I'm just a fisherman.

374. Well, Hill, I don't like your story,

375. but you've got the haircut of an honest man.

376. So I'm willing to give you a chance to prove you're not a liar.

377. You say, you were using the stuff as bait?

378. Yes, sir.

379. Well, I'm a bit of an angler myself.

380. So tomorrow, you, me and your bald buddy there

381. will go out to the lake,

382. and you're going to show me how to catch a wide-mouth bass

383. with a rock of crack.

384. Uh, well, hold on a second.

385. You see, the fish won't take the bait anymore.

386. The ecosystem has changed and…

387. I've made my ruling.

388. Either you reel one in tomorrow or the two of you

389. are going to spend the next 24 months making Texas state license plates.

390. Next case.

391. Fidelity mutual insurance versus Layaway Ray's bait shop.

392. Hill, it's been six hours.

393. You ready to admit your crime and do your time?

394. No, sir, your honor.

395. I'm making progress here.

396. I can feel it.

397. Win… Wing…

398. Wing-o man!

399. I think I got one.

400. Hold on to her, Dale. Don't let her go.

401. Oh, thank you, Lord.

402. Well, I'll be. Looks like you boys

403. - were telling the truth after all. - Uh…

404. Gribble, this fish is frozen.

405. I caught it. That's my position.

406. You obviously bought this at a grocery store.

407. You try something like that again, and I'll double your sentence.

408. Dale, you giblet-head.

409. If you were going to cheat why the heck did you buy a frozen bass?

410. I had a coupon.

411. All right. Five more minutes, then that's it.

412. I got to be at a lethal injection by midnight.

413. Get your butt off the cooler, duke. His honor wants a pudding.

414. Hank, don't do it.

415. We've already tried to cheat.

416. He'll double our sentence.

417. I'm not cheating now, Dale.

418. Using cheater-bait was cheating.

419. I got greedy.

420. I'm no better than that lazy grease ball who tried to steal my truck.

421. Let's face the facts.

422. We're going to prison, and all we'll have to dream about

423. is the last time we went fishing.

424. I don't know about you, but I want to remember casting off

425. with a hand-dug American worm.

426. Well, time's up.

427. Start rowing, duke.

428. Now, there's a man who loves to fish.

429. Almost makes me sorry to send him to the farm.

430. Huh?

431. She ain't pretty, but she's a bass, all right.

432. You're free to go.

433. She's the most beautiful fish I ever caught, I tell you what.

434. Hold her up, Hank.

435. She's a wall hanger.

436. Uh… He.

437. That's it. I'm goin' fishin'.