King of the Hill 2x4

Directed by John Rice

Sally Field as Junie Harper (voice) • David Herman as City Councilman (voice) • Dennis Burkley as Principal Moss (voice) • Neil Giuntoli as Closer #2 (voice) • David Zuckerman as Group Leader (voice)

Hank is excited about Halloween until someone complains and has the holiday canceled.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Okay, Dale, hop on up.

2. Oh, I don't know.

3. Looks like he died

4. with his tongue sticking out.

5. Let me try again.

6. I can look deader.

7. No way, man.

8. Man, this is getting old.

9. I'm sitting up here… harness

10. dang old wedgie city up here, man.

11. Well, it's a small price to pay, Boomhauer.

12. I'm the general contractor of the school's haunted house.

13. It's my responsibility to bring this job in on time

14. under budget, and over scary.

15. You know it's the darnedest thing.

16. I got myself a wedgie, too.

17. Hank, dinnertime.

18. I am stirring in the cheese powder.

19. Okay.

20. Hey, Peg leg, can you come out here

21. and give me a hand?

22. What is it, honey? I'm right in the…

23. Gotcha.

24. Oh, you! Oh, that just took

25. a year off of my life, I think.

26. I'm going to scare the pants off those kids.

27. I tell you what.

28. I want Bobby to have the perfect Halloween

29. the kind I had when I was a boy.

30. Trick or treat.

31. Oh, my. Aren't you boys the scariest?

32. Yeah, man, talk about

33. mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

34. Dang ol' boo, man. Yo.

35. You got any candy cigarettes?

36. No, but I have chocolate.

37. Happy Halloween.

38. Only one.

39. Come on, push it over.

40. Knock it down, quick!

41. Okay, Dale's house is next.

42. I think I'll go call my mom.

43. Want to come with us?

44. Mega Lo Mart is running a Halloween special.

45. If you buy two rubber masks

46. they will punch out the nostril holes for free.

47. Oh, sorry.

48. I got to go to my youth fellowship meeting.

49. We going to deliver a hot meal to old people

50. and then blow on it.

51. Maybe I could be

52. a dalmatian.

53. Halloween costumes are supposed to be scary.

54. How is a dalmatian scary?

55. - They can bite you. - Mm-hmm.

56. And nine times out of ten, they go right for the groin.

57. Where are the vampires

58. and monsters

59. and ghosts?

60. Elmo? Aladdin?

61. Jenny McCarthy?

62. I don't even know what these things are.

63. I'd like to introduce

64. our guest speaker.

65. She's a new member of our church

66. who has made herself known in a very short time

67. through a series of gutsy letters

68. complaints and threats.

69. Ms. Junie Harper.

70. Thank you.

71. Why don't we just start things off

72. with a little quiz?

73. Oh, I hope it's open bible.

74. Who can tell me what this is?

75. It's a witch?

76. Very good.

77. What's your name?

78. Luanne Platter.

79. Luanne, you answered that so fast.

80. Do you know any witches yourself?

81. Witches aren't real.

82. Oh, yes, they are.

83. Well, they even have their own holiday.

84. Who knows

85. what October holiday

86. is associated with witches, goblins, and Satanists?

87. Um, Halloween?

88. Smart.

89. Smart, smart.

90. Oh, this girl is very, very smart.

91. Mm. Thank you for noticing.

92. Well, we still need a costume for Bobby

93. but at least we got our treats.

94. Eatwells?

95. Sugar-free, low-fat fun bars?

96. Peggy, that stuff isn't for trick-or-treaters.

97. It's for diabetics.

98. Well. I am not going to gain ten pounds

99. like I did last year.

100. So don't eat it, just leave it there.

101. No one said you could touch my candy anyway.

102. The ancient Druids celebrated Halloween

103. by eating babies

104. by the light of their jack-o'-lanterns.

105. And then they danced.

106. Boy, I'm sure glad your grandma kept

107. my old costume.

108. You know, I used to have

109. a laugh that went along with this.

110. Try it with me, son.

111. Scary?

112. - Uh, it was… disturbing. - Mm-hm.

113. Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy

114. I have terrible news!

115. Halloween is a Satanic holiday.

116. It was invented by the Druish.

117. No, honey, not Druish. The Druids.

118. Where did you hear that garbage?

119. It's the truth.

120. Trick-or-treating is devil worship.

121. Junie Harper says so.

122. Luanne, Halloween is just good, clean fun.

123. It's got nothing to do with the devil.

124. I don't want to hear any more

125. of your foolishness.

126. Oh…

127. Well, what is wrong with you?

128. She just put some exciting new thing in her brain

129. and all she wanted to do was show it to us.

130. Ooh, my pretty kitty.

131. So, you told him

132. about the Druids and the candy corn

133. and he still thinks Halloween is just for fun?

134. Uh-huh. I felt so stupid.

135. Oh, no.

136. First of all, in the eyes of the lord

137. you're a genius.

138. The devil likes to fool you

139. into thinking you're stupid

140. because it makes it easier for him to trick you

141. but if you think you're smart, you can resist him.

142. Do you see what I'm saying?

143. I'm not sure.

144. Satan, begone!

145. Now you see?

146. Yes.

147. These days, Satan's getting very popular.

148. That's why this Halloween

149. I'm sponsoring a Hallelujah House.

150. Oh, what's that?

151. It's a righteous alternative

152. to those wicked haunted houses.

153. Oh, no.

154. Uncle Hank is running a haunted house

155. down at Bobby's school.

156. The school?

157. Tell me more.

158. Let's get the rise and run

159. of this trough right.

160. I don't want my blood

161. rushing to my severed head.

162. Hey, Principal Moss.

163. Hello, Hank.

164. Mr. Gribble, this is a school.

165. Take that cigarette outside.

166. Yes, sir.

167. Jackarse-says-what?

168. What?

169. Heh-heh-heh-heh.

170. Hank, do you know Ms. Junie Harper?

171. She has some concerns.

172. Apparently, some people consider Halloween

173. a religious holiday.

174. So?

175. So, our constitution

176. guarantees a separation of church and state.

177. Ms. Harper has a point.

178. And an attorney.

179. What's the skeleton for?

180. Planning to read fortunes

181. with the casting of bones?

182. No.

183. And what's that?

184. A witch?

185. That has got to go.

186. I'm not taking out any of this stuff.

187. I want those kids to have a real scary Halloween.

188. You know, I'm starting to feel

189. like the whole idea of a house of horrors is wrong.

190. Or we could make it

191. a house of pancakes.

192. I'm just brainstorming here.

193. Shut up, Bill.

194. Look, we either do this haunted house

195. the right way, or I'm not doing it at all.

196. Now, what's it going to be?

197. Hank, we can't afford another lawsuit.

198. We blew our budget fighting wheelchair ramps

199. and left-handed scissors.

200. So, that's how it is, huh?

201. Boomhauer, grab Hagatha.

202. There's only room for one witch in here.

203. Well, I don't know.

204. Kids sure do love pancakes.

205. Next year, Bobby's gonna be a teenager.

206. It's our last Halloween together

207. and Junie Harper ruined it.

208. You know, there's nothing in the constitution

209. about separation of church and garage.

210. Why don't you make a haunted garage?

211. Yeah, I guess I could do that.

212. Nuh-uh, Uncle Hank.

213. You could go to hell.

214. See, Junie Harper says

215. a haunted house is the devil's mousetrap.

216. And fun is the cheese.

217. Luanne, just when I think you've said

218. the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.

219. Junie says I'm smart so don't try,

220. and trick me into thinking I'm not!

221. Now, hold on.

222. Luanne is not stupid

223. and neither is Hank's idea for a haunted house.

224. So, you can have your haunted garage

225. and you can be smart.

226. But Junie Harper says…

227. Junie Harper says, Junie Harper says.

228. Last time I checked

229. it wasn't Junie Harper's face

230. in the stained-glass window

231. at Arlen First Methodist.

232. Ah.

233. Bobby, next Halloween you're going to be too old

234. to dress up and get candy.

235. What?

236. Now, don't panic.

237. Treats are only half of trick or treat.

238. It's time you learned to give

239. as well as receive.

240. You're not going to throw that, are you?

241. Bobby… of course I am.

242. It's a sign of respect.

243. Hey, you know who could use a little respect right now?

244. Dale.

245. Joshua!

246. Kit-kit-kitty-kitty…

247. Josh… Joshua!

248. You know, I'm suddenly reminded of a bible quote…

249. "Do unto others."

250. I don't know, dad.

251. This is vandalism, and vandalism isn't cool.

252. Bobby, that attitude is a little immature.

253. Now, come on.

254. You got to have backspin, son. Like this.

255. I am not afraid of you Satanists!

256. Come on, boy!

257. I'm not afraid I won't be afraid.

258. I'll stand up to all of you!

259. It's the fuzz!

260. Quick! Ditch the evidence!

261. Well, there must be some mistake.

262. My Bobby?

263. Son, did you pay Mrs. Harper

264. a little visit tonight?

265. Yes.

266. Bobby!

267. Now, don't jump all over the boy.

268. The truth is, this is my fault.

269. Well, of course it is.

270. His antisocial behavior is the result

271. of your whole family's anti-christian values.

272. You hold it right there, Junie Harper.

273. You are out of order.

274. I go to church, too

275. and I have raffled

276. and bingoed and bake-saled my way

277. as close to the good lord as you.

278. So do not try to one-up me

279. because I will one-up yours.

280. The complacency of fools will destroy them.

281. Proverbs.

282. Get out of my house!

283. Exodus.

284. You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser, just like

285. your old man.

286. And I'm very disappointed in you!

287. Mm-hmm.

288. I'll never use toilet paper in anger again.

289. Are you all right?

290. I didn't hear the TV on.

291. I grounded myself.

292. I don't deserve to watch TV

293. after what I did last night.

294. It's not your fault.

295. It's Uncle Hank's fault.

296. He's a Satanist, Bobby.

297. Oh, come on, Luanne.

298. That's the craziest thing I ever heard.

299. It's true.

300. Oh, dang.

301. That's why Uncle Hank sminched my ideas

302. about Halloween.

303. The devil doesn't want you to know the truth.

304. Did your father ever make you drink blood?

305. He made me eat liver once.

306. That is called a recovered memory.

307. Think, Bobby. What else can you remember?

308. Where are the vampires

309. and monsters and ghosts?

310. You're a regular Halloween hell-raiser

311. just like your old man.

312. It's just liver.

313. It's not going to kill you.

314. Oh, dang!

315. The vandalism upon my house

316. can only be described as a hate crime.

317. Somebody hates me.

318. Let the record show

319. that somebody hates Dale Gribble.

320. Last night

321. my house was also attacked

322. by a Satanist!

323. Ms. Harper, what evidence do you have of that?

324. What evidence?

325. How is this for evidence?

326. Little kitty!

327. Well, I think it is perfect

328. although I still think Hank heck works just as well.

329. Yes! Halloween is canceled!

330. I just got off the phone with Ms. Junie Harper.

331. And she said the city council passed a curfew

332. 'cause a Satanist made her run over her cat.

333. What about the trick-or-treaters?

334. Oh, there won't be any trick-or-treaters.

335. See, Uncle Hank?

336. You said I was wrong

337. but now everyone agrees with me.

338. Nobody agrees with you.

339. You agree with everybody else.

340. You agree with any idiot who says anything.

341. Stop attacking her, Hank.

342. Luanne didn't cancel Halloween.

343. Junie Harper did.

344. Well, I don't care what she does.

345. Tomorrow night I'm going to teach Bobby

346. the true meaning of Halloween

347. come hell or high water.

348. My dad sure wants me

349. to be at that haunted house.

350. The last time he wanted me to be somewhere so bad

351. I woke up without tonsils.

352. Well,

353. this time, he may be after your soul.

354. I'm scared, Luanne.

355. I can't help you, Bobby, but I know who can.

356. Ms. Junie Harper.

357. Thanks for helping me get away.

358. I heard Satanists like my dad always sacrifice virgins

359. so we both better be careful.

360. Oh.

361. Mmm.

362. Where is everybody?

363. I can't believe they're staying home

364. because of a curfew.

365. And where the heck is Bobby?

366. He's still out with Luanne.

367. I sent them to the store for more Hi-C.

368. Now, I guess that was a fool's errand.

369. Isn't there one person in this town

370. with the courage to celebrate Halloween?

371. Hank,

372. while you're out there, turn off my hose.

373. First of all, I'd like to say halo to everybody.

374. Now follow me, children.

375. No pushing.

376. He who is last shall be first.

377. Oh, what have we here?

378. It's a young unmarried couple

379. who are about to let their hormones get the best of them.

380. Uh-oh.

381. I guess the old saying is true,

382. sex kills.

383. Dinner's ready.

384. Where's grandpa?

385. That's your grandpa?

386. Haven't you heard?

387. Our ancestors are monkeys.

388. Oh, no!

389. He's eating the baby.

390. Stop him. Honey?

391. We can't.

392. It's against the law to teach creationism.

393. Have you seen Bobby?

394. Um…

395. Hmm, I think he said…

396. He was going to… the gym.

397. Luanne.

398. Alright. I took him

399. to Junie Harper's.

400. He's a lot better off there.

401. What are you talking about?

402. Well, I think that it's better for a child

403. to receive wholesome impressions

404. from established religious authorities

405. than participate in rituals that are conducted by people

406. who really don't even know

407. that they are pawns of the devil.

408. Whoa, little missy.

409. You hold it right there.

410. I've had it up to here with your baloney.

411. I have taken you into my home, I have sheltered and fed you

412. but if you step between my husband and his son

413. I will cast you out like yesterday's garbage.

414. But… But I…

415. Mm-mm. From now on, you leave the parenting to us.

416. We get a magazine about it.

417. I brought you an ice-cold beer.

418. Thanks, Peggy.

419. Uh, Luanne took Bobby to Junie Harper's house

420. for an anti-Halloween church party.

421. I came very close to spitting out beer.

422. I knew you'd be upset.

423. They wrecked my haunted house

424. they outlawed my trick-or-treating

425. and now they want to brainwash my boy?

426. It's time for somebody to do something.

427. Hank, no! You could go to jail.

428. I knew the risks when I put on the uniform.

429. Trick or treat!

430. Trick or treat!

431. Trick or treat!

432. Trick or treat!

433. Trick or treat!

434. Trick or treat!

435. Trick or treat!

436. Trick or treat!

437. Trick or treat!

438. Trick or treat!

439. - Trick or treat! - Hey, man. Check it out, man.

440. I don't need no dang old costume, man.

441. To put on a big dang old mime, man.

442. Because I'm going to try to get out of this box, man.

443. I say, whoa, playin' tug-of-war, man.

444. Trick or treat!

445. Trick or treat!

446. Here comes a ghost!

447. Toga!

448. Trick or treat!

449. Trick or treat!

450. Trick or treat!

451. Boo.

452. I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist

453. peddling influence.

454. Who wants candy?

455. Trick or treat!

456. Trick or treat!

457. Uncle Hank!

458. Trick or treat, smell my feet…

459. Give me something good to ea-eat.

460. Come on, Luanne.

461. Trick or treat!

462. Trick or treat!

463. Trick or treat!

464. Trick or treat!

465. Trick or treat!

466. Trick or…

467. Okay, Suzy. What's it going to take

468. to get you to join the Hallelujah Club tonight?

469. Look, you took the brownie.

470. I didn't make you take the brownie.

471. Congratulations, Bobby.

472. Hey, everybody, listen up.

473. Bobby Hill has joined The Hallelujah Club.

474. Hallelujah, Bobby.

475. Can I have another brownie?

476. - Trick or treat! - Huh?

477. Trick or treat!

478. I'll handle this.

479. Trick or treat!

480. Hey, Bobby.

481. Go away, Satan.

482. Bobby, it's just a costume.

483. There is a curfew in effect, Mr. Hill.

484. But I guess you have no respect for man's law, either.

485. I've had enough of this nonsense.

486. Come on, son. Let's go trick-or-treating.

487. He will not, because he is a good boy.

488. All right, Bobby.

489. I don't want to force you to choose.

490. I just wanted to spend Halloween with my son

491. but I guess I can't do that this year.

492. It just tears my heart out.

493. What do you think you're doing?

494. I'm just keeping an eye out for my son.

495. Oh, mercy, what have I done?

496. Do not encourage this monster.

497. This is vile!

498. Come on, Bobby.

499. Halloween's just no fun without you.

500. Bobby, if you leave now

501. you'll never get the key to the kingdom.

502. Come on, son. Let's get some candy.

503. You'll go to hell!

504. You'll get candy.

505. Hell!

506. - Candy. - Hell!

507. Stop!

508. I don't care about candy.

509. I just want to be with my dad.

510. All right, then.

511. Fine!

512. Go on, all of you!

513. More room in heaven for me!

514. Trick or treat!

515. We got to get you home and scare you up a costume.

516. Okay.

517. Hey, dad?

518. I was just kidding before.

519. I care about candy.

520. I care a lot.

521. Happy Halloween, everyone!

522. Dang old, boo, man. Yo.