King of the Hill 2x3

1. Gentlemen, the John Deere 518r walk-behind tiller.

2. Look at it, son.

3. Five horsepower briggs and stratton engine

4. 16 heat-resistant tines, 13-inch super lug tires

5. and if I'm not mistaken,

6. this model comes with a hat.

7. Can I have it?

8. You know, Bobby should see this, too.

9. Hey, Bobby!

10. Now, Bobby, there is a lot you can learn from PBS

11. thanks to the support of viewers like me.

12. Bobby, come meet our new rototiller.

13. Later, Hank. This is educational TV time.

14. What we're about to see is British comedy.

15. You may not understand all of it at first

16. because it's more sophisticated than what we're used to.

17. That man is wearing a dress.

18. Exactly.

19. Well, I can't wait any longer.

20. Bobby's just going to have to watch the tape.

21. Ooh. Look at that.

22. - Uh-oh. - What the… Ah!

23. Oh, posh.

24. I've a run in my stocking.

25. Yes, prime minister.

26. Made in America

27. cannot just be a marketing gimmick.

28. Like dolphin safe.

29. It's got to stand for something.

30. What's wrong, Dad?

31. Well, this dang rock busted up my rototiller.

32. A rock? That is no rock.

33. This is an arrowhead. An Indian arrowhead.

34. I led a field trip once

35. to the museum of Texas Cultures.

36. A little girl swallowed one just like this by mistake.

37. She thought it was a rock, too.

38. We learned in school, you don't call them Indians anymore.

39. You call them Native Americans.

40. It's like saying same-sex partner instead of…

41. Bobby!

42. Cool, Dad.

43. What is that?

44. Some old Indian thing.

45. What's it for?

46. Well, I don't know much about Indians, but I do know tools,

47. and if I had to guess, I'd say you jam one of these

48. in the back of a white man's skull,

49. twist the handle like so,

50. and then your blood runs out through the hole here.

51. Yep, that's what it's for.

52. I thought the tribes that used to live around here were peaceful.

53. Well, I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

54. I'd hate to use a tool improperly.

55. Uh… Hi, Nancy.

56. Oh, uh, sorry, sug.

57. Dale's at work.

58. Huh… Yeah.

59. Uh… Yeah, I'm not looking for Dale. Uh,

60. I'm looking for John Redcorn.

61. John Redcorn, it's for you.

62. Hank. Nancy has a therapeutic massage today,

63. for her migraines.

64. Listen, I found this Indian, uh…

65. Native Indian thing in my yard

66. and I was wondering if you knew what it was.

67. It's a tool used for straightening the shaft of an arrow.

68. Uh-huh. In a pinch, though,

69. you could jam it into someone's brain stem, right?

70. Yes, but that's true of almost any tool.

71. Well, yeah, sure, I guess.

72. A treasure such as this is priceless to my people.

73. Really? What do you suppose it's worth to my people?

74. A museum or university might give you fifty dollars.

75. Fifty dollars, huh?

76. Well, that'd get me a new rototiller blade.

77. Hank, think about what you're doing.

78. It is wrong to take what belongs to another person and…

79. John redcorn?

80. Well, food for thought.

81. Hey, man, sign a petition to legalize hemp?

82. What's hemp?

83. "It's a cheap and durable source of fibers

84. that can be used for making clothing, rope, and paper."

85. Typical government over-regulation.

86. Why wouldn't they legalize this stuff?

87. Well, because, you know, it's…

88. Basically… Marijuana?

89. The volcano erupted so suddenly

90. that the village and everyone in it

91. were instantly encased in lava

92. creating a snapshot, if you will, of daily life

93. at that exact moment

94. and when we archaeologists

95. go and develop that snapshot

96. believe me, no one is smiling.

97. See you tomorrow.

98. That's right, they're breasts.

99. Big deal.

100. Uh. Excuse me, professor. I'm Hank Hill.

101. I left a message on your voice mail. I don't know if you got it.

102. - It said to press pound but I… - The artifact guy, yeah.

103. You don't have to hit pound.

104. So.

105. - What do you got for me? - Well, I got this arrowhead

106. and this here is a shaft-straightener.

107. So, uh, what do you think they're worth?

108. Well, the arrowhead, that's worth nothing. That's garbage.

109. Here, You want me to throw it away for you? It's on me.

110. Uh, how about the other one?

111. A cad-do tribesman might have traded this

112. for, say, a new loincloth.

113. What's a crotch-sized piece of leather go for these days?

114. I certainly do not know.

115. It can't be more than ten dollars, right?

116. Now, hold on a minute.

117. An Indian friend of mine said it was sacred.

118. Le me explain something to you, Mr. Hill.

119. To the Native Americans, everything is sacred,

120. the sun, the dirt.

121. Do you want to pay me for the air you've been breathing since you came in?

122. That's sacred, too.

123. Look, I don't want to argue this.

124. I'll just take the ten dollars.

125. Count it. It's all there.

126. Ah, okay.

127. You had no right to sell

128. those artifacts, Hank.

129. This home belongs to the both of us.

130. What are you so upset about?

131. I got ten dollars for some junk

132. that Bobby would've just ended up swallowing.

133. Those objects were cultural.

134. They could've expanded Bobby's mind,

135. and I, for one, want my son's brain to swell up as big as it'll go.

136. What are you doing?

137. You're eating fried chicken for breakfast?

138. Nuh-uh. We're making bones for Bobby's social studies project.

139. It's a Native American Necklace

140. like the tonkawa wore.

141. I was going to bring in the arrowhead

142. and get an A and maybe even go to college.

143. But mom says you sold out my future for ten dollars.

144. I hope you're happy.

145. That's still mom talking.

146. I am sorry, gentlemen, but we are not in the market

147. for a new religion.

148. Who, me? Oh, no, no, no.

149. I'm an archaeologist.

150. Professor John Lerner, PhD.

151. Oh! Peggy Hill.

152. You know, I'm a teacher, too.

153. Substitute Spanish, mm-hmm.

154. Your husband came to see me the other day with a cad-do arrowhead.

155. Well, I am the one who first determined it was not a rock.

156. Well, you are a friend to archaeology.

157. And archaeology can use all the friends it can get

158. with the red tape we put up with.

159. Look at this. Those pieces your husband found weren't worth much

160. but who knows, tomorrow, if we poke around here a little

161. I might find something of real cultural value.

162. Oh, please, be my guest.

163. No, that's what I'm saying.

164. They want paperwork, a homeowner's signature.

165. Technically, I shouldn't even be here.

166. Don't be silly.

167. Give me that.

168. I thank you, archaeology thanks you

169. and most of all, I want you to thank yourself.

170. Oh, no. I couldn't.

171. For advancing the cause of knowledge, Peggy.

172. Come on now. I wanna hear it.

173. Well… thank you, Peggy Hill.

174. You are welcome.

175. You see, the secret is pretending they're special.

176. I probably could have gotten the title to her house

177. if I had complimented her stupid glasses.

178. What was that about?

179. Nothing. The professor, my friend, just wanted to know

180. if he could poke around the lawn tomorrow for some artifacts.

181. I, of course, said yes.

182. How could you do that, Peggy, without even asking me?

183. Well, you sold that arrowhead without asking me.

184. Fine. We're even.

185. But I think you owe my lawn an apology.

186. We're waiting.

187. Uh, Peggy?

188. You can't just think it.

189. You got to say it out loud!

190. Hank

191. I thought you told Dale not to mow at this hour.

192. What?

193. That's not Dale's mower.

194. That's not a mower at all.

195. No!

196. No!

197. "Therefore, after the referred-to 'dang ol aforementioned antiquities

198. pursuant to the public domain.

199. "Title nine of the state resource code."

200. I tell you what, man, it's airtight.

201. Boomhauer, I didn't understand a word you just said.

202. Damn legalese.

203. I never thought I'd see the day when my own government would go around

204. stealing people's land.

205. Think about it, Hank.

206. Isn't that what happened to the peoples who lived here before us?

207. Whoa! Whoa! What are they doing?

208. That's my privacy hedge!

209. Hi, Uncle Hank.

210. Mm. I hope you don't mind

211. but I borrowed your razor.

212. All right, that's it!

213. Everybody off my property.

214. I said off!

215. Don't make me call the cops!

216. Go right ahead.

217. And while you're at it, tell them you're trespassing

218. on a protected archaeological site.

219. What I am about to say

220. goes against everything I believe,

221. but you played dirty, and you leave me with no choice.

222. You are sued, mister.

223. You're all witnesses, and you're all being sued, too.

224. And you're the witness to that.

225. Here I want all your names.

226. And I don't want any Seymour butts

227. or IP Freelie's.

228. My wife's a substitute teacher.

229. I know all the tricks.

230. What do you think it is?

231. Uh, I'm not sure yet.

232. Mm. I think it's a clay pot.

233. More likely a ceramic bowl.

234. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You may be right.

235. Yes. Would you excuse me?

236. Peggy, you won't believe what that idiot professor did.

237. He got dirt all over my compost heap.

238. Hank, please, Professor Lerner is no idiot.

239. In fact, he's a genius.

240. And that's as far from idiot as you can get

241. before reaching madness.

242. Maybe we should invite the professor to dinner.

243. Bobby could learn a lot from him.

244. Don't turn dinner into school, Peggy.

245. Dinner's one of the few things Bobby's good at.

246. Well, he is good with a fork and knife,

247. I grant you that.

248. But it's time for him to move to the next level,

249. learning the art of conversation and drinking without a straw.

250. I'll never forget when the king tut exhibit came to my hometown.

251. I'm standing in that museum

252. amongst these priceless artifacts, thinking,

253. I can do better.

254. Three years later, I had my first PhD.

255. From the University of Chicago.

256. That's one of the finest schools in the country.

257. School?

258. They don't even have a football team.

259. Oh, so you like football, huh, Bobby?

260. Did you know that the cad-do Indians played a game like football?

261. They called it chunkee.

262. Only they used sticks, darts, and rolling disks of stone.

263. Tell me more, professor.

264. Right, Mom?

265. Mmm.

266. Alright, if the cad-do could play chunkee with a stone disk

267. why couldn't they invent the wheel?

268. - Peggy… - No. Uh-uh.

269. You cannot just blow my mind and leave.

270. Sorry, big day tomorrow.

271. We're digging up your rose bushes.

272. Oh, how exciting.

273. Maybe you and Bobby would like to assist me?

274. I don't believe it. Our first dig.

275. I remember my first dig.

276. The Finis Frost site.

277. That's where I discovered my first Wahashaw bracelet.

278. This is a replica.

279. The real one is very fragile and it doesn't go with this sweater.

280. Oh, it's just beautiful.

281. A man wearing jewelry.

282. That's funny.

283. Like on PBS…

284. Bobby, shh.

285. A Wahashaw bracelet is not jewelry.

286. It's a badge of honor.

287. A young brave would give one of these to a girl he liked

288. as a symbol of their bond.

289. Wahashaw means connection,

290. but it can also mean much more.

291. Huh. Kind of like aloha.

292. It means hello and goodbye.

293. - Well. Actually, it's more like… - Well, aloha.

294. Goodbye.

295. Before we discuss this ancient Indian burial ground

296. I'd like to say two things.

297. First, thank you to Mrs. Peggy Hill

298. for organizing this field trip.

299. Secondly, if a bony hand reaches out from the soil

300. and tries to drag you into its grave

301. remain calm.

302. Seriously, remain calm.

303. Now, who can tell me

304. what Indian tribes are native to Arlen?

305. Ah, Mrs. Hill, enlighten us, please.

306. Well, if I'm not mistaken, and I could be,

307. the cad-do were the earliest settlers of this region.

308. That's exactly right.

309. A high-pressure system comin' in can mean lower temperatures…

310. Where have you been?

311. You missed action sports and half of action weather.

312. Bobby and I have been in the yard all day digging things up.

313. Oh, by the way, he knows his cat didn't run away now.

314. So, what did I miss?

315. Another new soccer league, 30 percent chance of rain.

316. Rain?

317. Oh, I'd better warn the professor.

318. He left the top down on his Saab.

319. I guess I'll just go to bed.

320. What in god's name?

321. Stadium lights… like the cowboys use.

322. Well, now the professor can dig all night if he wants to.

323. The cowboys would treasure my lawn,

324. not turn it into some kind of a freak show.

325. Oh, it hasn't been all bad, Hank.

326. We may have lost a lawn,

327. but Bobby gained a role model.

328. I'm his role model.

329. Not that bracelet-wearing egghead.

330. I really don't see what you have against the professor.

331. I think we all would benefit

332. from spending more time with him.

333. Now if you'll excuse me, I really should go warn him.

334. His Saab has leather seats.

335. Alright, now you take the brush, okay.

336. And just ever so gently, gingerly, sweep it away.

337. - You're very good at this. - Mm-hm.

338. I know what you're thinking, Hank, and it's not true.

339. Every once in awhile, a guy suspects his wife

340. has a thing for another man.

341. That's not what I'm thinking at all.

342. I'm thinking about… cheese logs.

343. Uh-huh.

344. My Nancy's going to Corpus Christi this weekend

345. for some migraine workshop.

346. I'm suspicious as hell.

347. - See you, sug. - Feel better!

348. Bring me back a shot glass.

349. Good thing John Redcorn's going with her.

350. He can keep an eye on things.

351. What are you making?

352. I'm making a problem go away.

353. Uh-huh. What you got, possums?

354. Nope. This jerk archaeologist who…

355. You know what works for me?

356. You slip a capful of arsenic into a side of bacon.

357. Well, that would be murder, Bill.

358. What do you think would happen if this know-it-all

359. found a fake artifact and thought it was real?

360. What would Peggy think of him then, huh?

361. Uh… I… I mainly just know about possums.

362. Mmm. Mm-hmm!

363. Find anything?

364. Hmm? No, not yet.

365. Huh. You've been at it all morning.

366. Think you'd have turned up something by now.

367. Well, archaeology is a game of patience.

368. You know, that sounds a lot like fishing.

369. Sometimes when you're not having any luck

370. in one spot, you move to a new spot,

371. like over there.

372. Yup, that's where I'd fish.

373. Right over there.

374. Professor, come quick!

375. I've found something.

376. Peggy, no. Leave that alone!

377. You don't know what you're doing.

378. Is that what you think?

379. Well, I'm not quite sure Professor Lerner would agree with you.

380. You would be surprised

381. what I've learned from him this week.

382. Now

383. what do you suppose it is, professor?

384. Oh, no, no. Tell us what you think it is, Peggy.

385. Okay.

386. Well, this is most likely a Tonkawa warrior necklace

387. made from the… hmm

388. finger bones of his enemy.

389. Really? Finger bones. Fascinating.

390. How did you come to that conclusion?

391. Well… They're bones, and

392. they're the size of fingers.

393. So I just put two and two together

394. and I added a thumb.

395. You know, I just got a crazy idea.

396. Let's find out what it really is.

397. Scott?

398. Uh, it looks like a bunch of chicken bones.

399. Correct. Barbara?

400. - Scratched up with a belt sander. - Of course. Andrea?

401. And strung together with kite string.

402. Bingo.

403. They make it look so easy, don't they?

404. You know their secret?

405. They're archaeologists.

406. What?

407. I don't understand.

408. Oh, I get it.

409. Archaeologists, right. Archaeologists.

410. Oh, I am such an idiot.

411. Don't you believe it, Peggy.

412. They're not so smart.

413. I didn't use kite string.

414. I used baling twine. Ha!

415. You?

416. But why?

417. It's not enough that you think I'm stupid,

418. you have to make me look stupid, too?

419. What? I wasn't trying to…

420. Peggy, you're the only one around here I actually respect.

421. I was trying to make him look stupid.

422. Oh. Don't tell me you were jealous.

423. No!

424. I was just, uh

425. mad because you were spending all your time with that guy

426. and, uh… I wanted you to spend it with me.

427. Jealousy had nothing to do with it.

428. Ooh.

429. Oh, Hank.

430. I have something in my eye, but I am also crying.

431. What are you laughing at?

432. Well, it's funny, isn't it? Sounds like I could have scored with your wife

433. for the price of a fake bracelet.

434. What?

435. Okay, okay, you pushed me in.

436. Whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself.

437. Mr. Hill, violence doesn't solve anything.

438. So, why don't we just discuss this like…

439. You know what's ironic about this?

440. You're the one who looks stupid right now.

441. Okay.

442. So, you're stronger than I am.

443. - You've proven that. Fine. - Mm-hm.

444. I'm starting to enjoy this. I'm really am.

445. I want you to push me in the hole.

446. Please, push me in the hole.

447. Okay.

448. You'll get tired of this long before I do.