King of the Hill 2x18

1. Good morning, class.

2. I will be subbing for Mrs. Dorland

3. who is at home recuperating from the Hantavirus.

4. What's the Hantavirus?

5. Well, Clark, it's a flu-like disease

6. usually contracted from rodent droppings.

7. Okay, all right, then.

8. Now, in preparation for our field trip,

9. your classmates are going to act out

10. a little-known episode of Mexican-American history.

11. The year is 1847.

12. I am General Santa Anna.

13. I led the Mexican army at the Alamo

14. where we defeated Texas.

15. We are at the battle of Cerro Gordo,

16. 11 years later, and we are hungry.

17. Sir, I will hold your artificial leg

18. while you eat chicken.

19. Attack.

20. Look out!

21. It's the Illinois Volunteer Infantry.

22. Hop on, General.

23. I stole your fake leg.

24. Oh, well, that was beautiful.

25. That was just inspired.

26. The General's artificial leg has been on display

27. in an Illinois Museum for over a century,

28. but this year, America decided to return it to Mexico.

29. Even as we speak, Santa Anna's real fake leg is making its way

30. from museum to museum on its journey home.

31. I guess you could say

32. the Arlen Museum is the last leg of the tour.

33. Oh, Peggy.

34. Yeah, see, that was 1976.

35. In 1977, I did wear shoes.

36. Boy, that car is going fast.

37. Doesn't he know men drink in this alley?

38. Well, that looks like your dad's Cadillac car, Hank.

39. Yeah, man. It looks like dang ol'… Better hit the dirt, man!

40. Uh…

41. Thanks, fatty.

42. Don't mind if I do.

43. Geez, Dad. You almost dented the cooler.

44. Where's Didi? I thought, with your eyesight,

45. she was doing all the driving.

46. Ah, we had another fight.

47. I threw her out.

48. Didi, woman, my toes are cold.

49. Knit me a blanket!

50. I don't have time, honey.

51. I'm late for work.

52. That's a good one, babycakes!

53. Now, get your knitting sticks.

54. You're going to have to wear socks, Colonel.

55. Yeah, so I put her out on the street.

56. Good for you, sir.

57. I admire the speed

58. with which you dispatched the insubordinate.

59. Shut your clam hole, Gribble.

60. So, I guess you're here

61. to cool off for a few days

62. till you two can patch things up?

63. Nope! This one's for good.

64. I'm here to renew my driver's license.

65. Got the eye chart memorized down at the Arlen D.M.V.

66. They ain't changed it since World War II.

67. Uh, that's the big one, fatty.

68. Uh, Dad, about you driving.

69. I'm not sure it's such a good idea.

70. Excuse me, Hank.

71. I think a man who gave his shins to win the Second World War

72. has earned the right to drive an automobile.

73. Hank, Bobby and me

74. are going to rent an R.V this summer and drive around the country.

75. We'll do 50 states in 50 days.

76. You know, Cotton, you can travel anywhere in the world in books.

77. Uh, Dad…

78. You don't want to be driving on a crowded highway in the summertime.

79. I don't know.

80. There's nothing like the feel of the open road.

81. Oh, you know, Grandpa Hill,

82. with an R.V, you could put it on cruise control

83. and then go in the back and watch TV.

84. Luanne, please.

85. Dad, with all due respect,

86. I don't think you should be driving anymore.

87. Don't you tell me what to do!

88. You ain't my daddy! I'm your daddy!

89. I won the war!

90. I can drive a car!

91. Even your idiot friend Gribble knows that!

92. Ah, Dad, Dale's just kissing up to you.

93. And so should you, boy!

94. Uh, Hank, that reminds me.

95. We need some chaperones for Bobby's class trip.

96. What kind of trip you taking, Bobby? Vegas?

97. There's a General Santa Anna exhibit at the museum.

98. We did a play about him in school,

99. and I was one of his privates.

100. Yeah, yeah, I know all about Santy Anny.

101. We got his walking log under glass in Illinois I'm glad to say.

102. Actually, Cotton, the leg is coming through Arlen.

103. America is finally returning the leg to Mexico.

104. - What? - Take it easy, Dad.

105. - Take it easy. - You see, Bobby?

106. Your daddy's generation's giving away everything we fought for.

107. Pan-y-ma canal, Mexican legs…

108. You people'd give back Gandhi's diapers if you had 'em!

109. Ah! Would you look at that line?

110. We'll be here all day.

111. Oh, for god…

112. Hank, I gutted a man.

113. He whined less than you.

114. Why don't you guys get started? I'll be there in a minute.

115. All right, clerkie.

116. Now, take down the first letter of every word I say.

117. Some day.

118. Governor Reagan,

119. will run for president.

120. I pass. Give me the license.

121. Wow, I've never seen anyone miss every single letter.

122. - You fail. - What?

123. Look at it again.

124. "Some day." That's S-D,

125. as in "Stupid Dummy."

126. That's you. Tell him, Hank.

127. This is an outrage.

128. We are very dissatisfied customers.

129. Come on, Dad, let's go.

130. So, you had the clerk switch the eye chart.

131. That's a good plan, if you silence the clerk.

132. It was one of the toughest things

133. I ever had to do, I'll tell you what,

134. but my dad's getting close to the end zone now.

135. I got to start calling some of his plays.

136. Yeah, I know what you mean.

137. My dad can't even load his own hunting rifle anymore.

138. I mean, I got to put it in his hands,

139. practically pull the dang trigger for him.

140. Sad. Very sad.

141. The DMV changed the damn chart on me.

142. That's what they did!

143. Tell you what, man. That dang ol' DMV, man,

144. take my picture that ol' hair hooter that day, man.

145. Four dang ol' years ago, looking like Cokie Roberts, man.

146. There are ways to get around the license problem, sir.

147. Dale, this doesn't concern you.

148. For example, put a sail on your car.

149. Call it a boat.

150. Hear that, Hank? Gribble's got a clever idea.

151. Go get me a sail!

152. It's a stupid idea, Dad.

153. Well, excuse me, Hank.

154. I guess I'm not as clever as you are.

155. I mean, I could never think of a clever idea

156. like switching the eye charts

157. so your dad would fail that test.

158. - Dang it, Dale! - Ah!

159. Looks like we got ourselves a Benedict Arlen!

160. What do you got to say for yourself, boy?

161. Look, Dad, I did change that chart.

162. I did it because I care about you.

163. You should not be driving!

164. But he's a war hero, Hank.

165. A World war hero.

166. You should let him do whatever he wants.

167. Shut up, Dale!

168. I know what's best for my dad.

169. If you knew what's best for me,

170. you'd have drowned yourself two days after you was born!

171. Goodbye, Hank. I'm leaving.

172. Gribble! Good news!

173. I'm staying with you from now on!

174. You hear that, Hank?

175. Daddy's staying with me.

176. Did you sleep okay, Mr. Hill?

177. Yup. Yup. Just fine.

178. See, Nancy?

179. And you wanted to give away Joseph's crib.

180. There you go, sir.

181. One perfectly forged driver's license.

182. Good until the year 3000.

183. Good boy. Here's a dollar.

184. Oh, hey, Dad, I need you to sign

185. my permission slip for that Santa Anna exhibit.

186. Joseph, you know I do not sign

187. any document issued by a government institution.

188. Hey, Hank.

189. Come on, Joseph. Our ride's here.

190. Hey, Tokyo Rose, how does your garden grow?

191. Don't start with me, Dale.

192. All right, Dad, you made your point.

193. Now, come on back, and we'll talk about this.

194. I got a whole box of Megalo-plates you can break.

195. I'd rather break Gribble's plates, thank you very much.

196. No. Thank you very much, sir.

197. Now I'm done. I'm going down to the drugstore to pick up my shin salve.

198. All right, well, let me drive you, and…

199. I don't need you.

200. Gribble made me a license.

201. I've never seen a meter maid take so long to write a ticket.

202. All right, sir, please step out of the vehicle.

203. Whoo-hoo!

204. You want to frisk me, Cagney?

205. Go ahead. Then I can do you.

206. And when I asked for his license, he gave me this.

207. Yeah, I know. It's expired.

208. I'm real sorry about that. He shouldn't be driving.

209. Expired? It's not even real.

210. It's made out of the back of a cereal box.

211. Well, you're lucky.

212. In the most severe cases of senile dementia,

213. they can't even remember their sons' names.

214. What? He's not senile.

215. My dad's just a character.

216. You know, like a cowboy.

217. Dad, knock it off. Come on.

218. All right, General Mills.

219. Now, I'm letting your son take care of you.

220. You have to promise to be a good boy.

221. Do you recognize your son?

222. Yeah. He's Benedict Arlen.

223. The point is, Dad, you've got to calm down.

224. You're lucky you're not in jail.

225. Don't you take that tone with me.

226. I was out buying shin jelly.

227. You show some respect.

228. Oh, okay, okay, let's talk about it over dinner. What do you say?

229. Go get your bags, and we'll head on home.

230. Oh, sure.

231. I'll be right there.

232. - Uh, hey, Didi. - Hank.

233. Listen, I'm here to ask you for a big favor.

234. You and my dad got to patch things up

235. quicker than usual this time.

236. I'm having trouble keeping him under control.

237. Oh, there's no patching things up this time, Hank.

238. The passion is gone.

239. There was magic between us when we first met.

240. Yeah, I come in here once a year

241. to get my shins drained.

242. I don't take no anesthetic.

243. Did Lincoln ask for girlie-gas when they blowed his head off?

244. Magazines?

245. Candy? Fruit roll-ups?

246. Oh, look at you.

247. Aren't you the cutest little helpless thing?

248. Oh, you're like a little baby in that gown.

249. Oh, coochie, coochie, coo…

250. Oops.

251. Oh! Sweet lord!

252. Cling peaches in heavy syrup!

253. It was like Romeo and, um…

254. Juliet.

255. But now the magic's gone.

256. Cotton said my bottom was too small.

257. Do you think it's too small?

258. Ah! No!

259. Put that away. It… it's fine.

260. It's very, uh, big.

261. Look, Hank, Isotoner makes sundresses now.

262. Uh-oh.

263. She is not going to take him back, is she?

264. Nope. I'm going to have to watch him like a hawk.

265. Uh… Cigar, Hank?

266. No, thanks.

267. Good, 'cause they all been smoked.

268. Yeah, you got me on that one.

269. Anyway, the reason I'm here is to ask you to be a chaperone

270. on Bobby's museum trip tomorrow.

271. I'm gonna be one.

272. Daddy can't go. He's taking me bumper bowling.

273. Will you stop calling him daddy?

274. Come on, Dad, you'd really be helping us out.

275. Well, I've been helping you out of jams your whole life.

276. Might as well keep the streak alive. I'll do it.

277. We'll do it.

278. And then, you killed the German Corporal?

279. This is World War II, Connie girl.

280. He was a "Nazzy."

281. Yeah, I severed his windpipe

282. with a two-foot strand of dental floss I kept in my boot.

283. And that's why it's always important

284. to carry dental floss.

285. Okay, Tom Landry Middle School,

286. next stop is the featured exhibit.

287. General Santy Anny's artificial leg.

288. Oh, what a beautiful prosthetic.

289. Those T-shirts do not do it justice.

290. After its brief stay here,

291. General Santy Anny's leg

292. will be returned to its rightful owner, Mexico.

293. Rightful? Finders keepers.

294. Dad, now, take it easy. Relax.

295. Along with the leg,

296. Mexico will receive a check

297. for the original cost of the leg, 1,300 dollars U.S

298. and a letter of apology signed by our commander in chief.

299. Ah, that draft dodger.

300. He can't do that. The Japanese blew my shins off.

301. When am I going to get them back?

302. Hank, chaperone.

303. Chaperone your father.

304. Dad, I'm not going to tell you again. Zip it.

305. Let's settle, people. Okay.

306. All right, stop the bus!

307. It's been stolen.

308. One of these hoodlums stole Santy Anny's leg.

309. All right, kids, listen up.

310. I'm going to close my eyes,

311. and when I open them, I want to see that leg.

312. You understand?

313. All right, Dad, I'm fed up.

314. Now, where is the leg?

315. Well, I don't know if I can speak to that.

316. I was told to zip it.

317. The whole country of Mexico

318. is expecting to get their leg back on Saturday.

319. Delightful!

320. That leg means a lot to them,

321. and my driver's license means a lot to me.

322. What does the leg have to do with your driver's license?

323. Use your head, boy.

324. The Mexicans have diplomats.

325. They'll pull some strings, get me my license,

326. then I'll give them back their leg.

327. Dad, the police are going to come after you.

328. That's my offer. Take it back to your people.

329. They never look in the most obvious place.

330. Colonel, shall we retire to the leg room?

331. Maybe that policewoman was right.

332. I've never seen dad like this before.

333. He's not his crazy, old self anymore.

334. He's acting… crazy.

335. Well, stick a pin in me, I'm dreaming.

336. I have been saying that to you for 22 years.

337. Aunt Peg, Uncle Hank, I just heard on the news,

338. there's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum,

339. and someone stole his leg!

340. Colonel, I just want to say

341. it's been an honor fighting with you

342. against Hank and his forces.

343. You can rest assured I am with you all the way.

344. You got any of them little goldfish crackers?

345. Uh, he did it!

346. He took the leg.

347. It was his idea.

348. You can have it back.

349. Oh, no! It's gone!

350. Where'd you put it, you shinless, old freak?

351. What did you… You're a worse traitor than Hank.

352. I know how to deal with traitors.

353. Sir, you're going to want to give me that leg right now

354. before you get in any more trouble.

355. I need that leg for leverage

356. in my negotiations with the Mexican government!

357. They took my shins and put them on display

358. in the emperor's pagoda.

359. That's the thanks I get for flossing them nazis.

360. You tell the meter maid I want my car back.

361. I can drive myself.

362. They just changed the chart.

363. Someday, Governor Reagan will run for president!

364. And we felt the psychological evaluation had come to an end

365. after he claimed Dr. Miyoshi's stethoscope as a war trophy.

366. Well, what're you going to do?

367. Just keep him here forever?

368. Well, that's up to you.

369. It's my opinion that he requires supervision.

370. Either he stays here, or you and your wife need to watch him 24 hours a day.

371. Hey, Dad, how do you like it here?

372. Find some place else to stand, fatty!

373. Oh, see? You know his name.

374. He's already made a friend. See? He knows his name.

375. Look, Peggy, board games.

376. - Checkers… - I love checkers.

377. Dominoes, chutes and ladders.

378. Chutes and ladders.

379. Why, if I didn't have to work every day,

380. I'd come here.

381. Uh… Dad, I know a lot has happened

382. in the last day or so,

383. but I need to know where that leg is.

384. If I give the leg back, can I get out of here?

385. We'll see. It's not up to me.

386. All right. It's in Gribble's golf bag.

387. I drew a one on it and signed it Lee Trevino.

388. All right, then. Dale's golf bag.

389. Take it easy, Dad.

390. Uh… don't forget about your old man.

391. You'll come back for me, right, boy?

392. Well, it's not so bad in there… really.

393. Ah, Peggy, come on. That was awful.

394. My father hates it in there.

395. But it's not like I can watch him 24 hours a day.

396. Oh, no, you cannot.

397. Just wouldn't be fair to you or me or Bobby.

398. Maybe we're being too picky about this V.A.

399. You know, consumer reports gave it a B-minus.

400. Well, that's above average.

401. Hank… How you going to break it to him?

402. So? Uh…

403. Am I going to live with you and Hank's wife?

404. No.

405. But I told you where the leg was!

406. I know, and I gave it to the police.

407. Look, Dad, I can't take care of you all day long,

408. and you wouldn't really want it that way,

409. so there's only one other option.

410. Didi! What's she doing here?

411. I told you it was over, woman.

412. I told him the same thing,

413. but he said I have to sign something

414. to get the Cadillac car.

415. - D Don't sit under the apple tree d - Aah.

416. D With anyone else but me, anyone else but me d.

417. They've got you in a baby gown.

418. Oh, look at the baby.

419. Ah! Stop!

420. Huh? I'll get those.

421. Oh, honey. I'm sorry I said your butt was too small.

422. If anything, it's too big.

423. But I likes you for who you is.

424. Come on, little baby boy.

425. I'll drive you home.

426. That is retired Captain Barissimo de Fino.

427. When he straps on Santa Anna's leg

428. and walks it from our flag to his,

429. it will be officially returned to the Mexican peoples.

430. Well, the important thing is they got it back.

431. Hey, wait a minute.

432. - That's the leg I made for the play. - Oh.

433. Here you are, senor, one driver's license.

434. Thank you.

435. And here you are, one Santy Anny's leg.

436. The story you've just seen is based on a true event.

437. At the battle of Cerro Gordo in 1847,

438. the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg

439. of Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna

440. while the general and his men feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.

441. Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg

442. still resides in an Illinois museum.

443. If you would like to join the movement

444. to help return the leg to the Mexican people,

445. write Illinois senator Richard J. Durbin.

446. Thank you, and good night.

447. That's a good one, babycakes.