King of the Hill 2x18

Directed by

David Herman as (voice) • Erica Clare as (voice)

When Cotton learns that the U.S. government is giving the artificial leg of General Santa Ana back to Mexico, he teams up with Dale to steal the leg from the Arlen Museum.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. You know, I am a substitute teacher.

2. I would be happy to substitute for your mama while she's in prison.

3. Thanks, Aunt Peggy.

4. But I don't think Mama would want anyone to take her place.

5. Well, unless they took her place in prison.

6. But I guess that's too much to ask.

7. We did good, son. It's beautiful.

8. We did it. We finished making dad's new workbench.

9. Look. No splinters.

10. What should we build first, son?

11. - Well, how about a go-cart? - Okay.

12. First we'll work out the design flaws of your go-cart

13. by building a TV cabinet.

14. Mama got out of prison!

15. Oh, I knew it, I just knew it.

16. I told them medium-security would not be enough to hold that woman.

17. She didn't escape. She was released.

18. She's coming to visit on Saturday.

19. - She's coming here? - I can't wait to tell Daddy.

20. We're gonna be a family again.

21. I will tongue-kiss Bill before I let that tramp in my house.

22. Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday,

23. but it's gonna have to wait a day.

24. Luanne's mama's coming to visit.

25. That woman is a menace to society.

26. I don't know. I never met the lady, but she did her time.

27. Tell you what. No dang lady about her. Getting liquored up.

28. Coming on, throwing up, pawing me like an animal. Told her no means no.

29. Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what.

30. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal

31. until Leanne entertained at his bachelor party.

32. So, he marries Leanne, and after 18 years of drunken hell,

33. she stabs him with a fork.

34. Oh, my foot! I think it's broken.

35. Well, if it's broken, you'll have to get that shoe off.

36. No. I feel better now.

37. I'm just gonna go on home.

38. Don't be silly. Just let me—

39. - What the— - Don't look at me.

40. Don't look at me!

41. I never thought I'd say this, but I don't think I can finish my beer.

42. It's some kind of athlete's foot.

43. I've been using this spray for 10 years.

44. - Quick-workin', my ass! - What did the doctor say?

45. The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife.

46. She used them against me in the divorce.

47. You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill.

48. It's a medical condition.

49. Sure, that's what you say.

50. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

51. Daddy, give her another chance.

52. Okay.

53. We're never going to be a family again, Aunt Peggy.

54. He won't forgive Mama.

55. Honey, marriage is about trust. And she...

56. Well, she betrayed him.

57. It was like a knife in his heart when she stuck that fork in his back.

58. That was the old Mama.

59. The new Mama quit drinking. She won't even eat with a fork.

60. I am just so proud of everything you've accomplished

61. since we took you in.

62. You're in school, you've got a righteous Christian puppet show,

63. you're always so very clean.

64. I just do not want you to get distracted and lose your way, honey.

65. Oh, you don't have to worry about me, Aunt Peggy.

66. That's my Mama's job.

67. Don't make any sudden moves.

68. Don't look her in the eye, and if I give you this signal...

69. run to Dale's house and stay there till I say it's safe.

70. She's here!

71. Mama!

72. Lu-Lu.

73. Oh, my sweet baby girlfriend.

74. Thanks for the lift, Alicia.

75. All right, then.

76. It's the Hill family.

77. Leanne, how very nice to see you.

78. You have such a lovely home here.

79. Of course, if somebody turned on a fire hose, it would all be ruined.

80. - Right. - Yeah.

81. - So, do you have a job? - No.

82. And Lu-Lu said the trailer's wrecked,

83. so I guess I'm currently unresidented.

84. - Why don't you stay here? - Bobby.

85. Wouldn't you be more comfortable in some kind of a halfway house

86. or institution?

87. Please? I'll clean up after her.

88. That's okay, Lu-Lu.

89. I am so sorry for all the grief I caused you

90. when I was drinking.

91. I am walking with the Lord now,

92. and I know I have found His forgiveness.

93. I just hope I will find yours, someday.

94. Well, we'll let you know.

95. Mama, I love you so much.

96. I love you, too, baby doll.

97. We'll get an apartment, Mama.

98. I'll quit school, and I'll get a job.

99. - Oh, baby, you mean it? - Okay, then.

100. You will not quit school.

101. Leanne, you can stay here until you find a job to support yourself.

102. Oh, bless you, Peg.

103. I won't even stay in the house, I'll sleep in the garage.

104. What? No, my workbench. You can't stay out there.

105. - I'll fix it up real nice for you. - Thank you.

106. Well, what choice did we have?

107. Dr. Escomea, please come to X-ray.

108. - Norman Schwarzkopf. - Yup.

109. Okay, Norman, you have a common toe fungus.

110. Take one of these pills every day, and you'll be good as new.

111. I've been living with this nightmare for 10 years,

112. and all I got to do is take these pills?

113. That's right. Now, you gotta take them on a full stomach.

114. Can do.

115. And absolutely no alcohol.

116. How long is she gonna stay here?

117. I am sick and tired of scrambling around

118. to find nutritious meals that do not require a fork.

119. Hey, Leanne, how's that job search coming along?

120. Not so good.

121. My best reference just went in for chemical castration.

122. Mama,

123. I want you to meet my Buckley.

124. Go on. Like we practiced.

125. Hey.

126. Well, he's just gorgeous.

127. - Feel these muscles. - I gotta go.

128. Thanks for the ride!

129. Look! Twin dresses!

130. I got them for us to wear to our very first mother-daughter makeover night

131. at the beauty academy.

132. I'll meet you there after your classes.

133. I'm gonna go shower and shave right now.

134. Close the door this time.

135. - Yup. - Yup.

136. Yup.

137. Yup, yup, yup.

138. What a great day. What a great day to be alive.

139. Hey, who wants to play some Hacky Sack? I do. I'll start.

140. You're a hack.

141. Oh, did you see that? Where'd it go?

142. Oh, there, I got it.

143. Bill, we're all really happy that your toe fungus died,

144. but we don't want to look at your feet every five minutes, okay?

145. I'm sorry. Hi.

146. - You must be Luanne's mama? - That's funny.

147. Most people think me and Lu-Lu are sisters.

148. Would you do me?

149. Well, don't be shy, I'm running late.

150. Beer. You know how long it's been since I had a drink?

151. 391 days.

152. I've been sober the whole time.

153. Well, help yourself.

154. I was just gonna surprise Hank, and leave 'em in his fridge.

155. I'm not allowed to have any alcohol. Doctor's orders.

156. Me, either. Court orders.

157. I can't be around any of my old friends, 'cause all they do is drink.

158. Mine, too.

159. I guess you and me are just gonna have to make new friends?

160. Miss Platter, where is this mother you've been going on and on about?

161. - She's on her way. - Yeah, sure.

162. So, you like being in the Army?

163. Oh, yeah, I love it.

164. I love it.

165. They tell us when to get up, what to wear,

166. when to eat.

167. They take all the guesswork out of living.

168. Well, that's kind of like prison.

169. The best part was the food, three meals a day.

170. Yeah, us, too.

171. Did y'all have those meal trays?

172. Five compartments.

173. We only had four.

174. Well, that's probably 'cause you were in there to be punished.

175. Is that clear nail polish?

176. I just love a man who takes care of his feet.

177. You only get two.

178. Did you know there's a spot on your foot

179. that's connected to every part of your whole body?

180. You want me to show you?

181. You wanna touch my feet?

182. How else can I show you, silly?

183. Well, I can just rub these all night.

184. I don't know.

185. Me having my feet rubbed all night by a pretty girl, and feeling... Okay.

186. - Morning. - Morning.

187. - Morning. - Morning.

188. - Morning. - Morning.

189. - Morning. - Morning.

190. Morning.

191. Bill, there are some things you don't do in another man's garage.

192. As of right now, Leanne is kicked out.

193. Hey, Hank, see, our relationship is just starting.

194. It's too soon to ask her to move into my house.

195. We'd be moving faster than the speed of love.

196. Please?

197. All right.

198. Dangit. At this rate, my new workbench is never gonna get used.

199. Oh, it got used last night.

200. Right after we took a little ride on your mower.

201. I got so scared when you didn't show up, I thought,

202. you started drinking again, and got in an accident or a gun fight.

203. I am so sorry, honey girl.

204. I just lost track of the time. Forgive me.

205. Please, close the door.

206. Well, we still have today.

207. Sorry. Excuse me.

208. Oh, me and Billy D. are going out to celebrate today.

209. But I wanted you to see my puppet show.

210. - It's called The Manger Babies... - Honey.

211. and it's about the animals that lived in Jesus's manger.

212. - There's a donkey and— - Honey.

213. Billy is the first good thing to happen to me since I met your daddy.

214. After all I've been through, don't you want me to be happy?

215. Of course I do.

216. Well, I knew you'd understand.

217. I would love to see your show.

218. Great.

219. You can save a seat for Mama, in case she changes her mind.

220. Hey, Billy, let's go on down to Ugly's and show off how in love we are.

221. Yeah, I'd like that,

222. but I'm all tapped out till my next paycheck.

223. We even spent my mad money.

224. Well, that's okay.

225. Foot rubs are free.

226. You're spoiling me.

227. You're worth it.

228. I know that I am.

229. Lee-Lee's magic fingers gonna...

230. - Oh, God! What is that? - What?

231. Oh, that's just a little fungus.

232. What are Lee-Lee's magic fingers gonna do?

233. Fungus? How do you get fungus?

234. Don't worry. As soon as I get paid, I'll get my prescription refilled,

235. and it'll clear up just like that.

236. Now, you're not gonna let a little fungus come between us, are you?

237. I'll just get some almond oil.

238. Come and get it.

239. Now, normally I'd use a clamp for this, but you'll do in a pinch.

240. Okay. If you want me to hold it tight, say "T."

241. If you want me to hold it real tight, say "RT."

242. That'll be our system.

243. All right, "T."

244. Dangit. I need my workbench.

245. What the...

246. Bobby, red alert. Get over to Dale's, and lock the doors. Move!

247. - Peggy! It's Leanne. She's— - She's right here.

248. Bill just invited us to a barbecue.

249. Why? I mean, what's the occasion?

250. We're engaged.

251. It was supposed to be a surprise!

252. I need a smoke.

253. This is the happiest day of my life.

254. Bill?

255. How should I put this? You know,

256. Leanne's first husband is hiding out on an oil rig in the Gulf.

257. And he swears he's not coming ashore until I fax him her death certificate.

258. Now, what makes you think you're gonna do any better?

259. - Because she loves me. - Then why did she hit you?

260. Oh, that. Why, that's just a new love game we made up yesterday.

261. It's not one of my favorites, but she seems to like it.

262. This goes without saying, Bill, but just in case it doesn't,

263. I am saying that you all cannot live in my garage.

264. Nope. She's moving in with me today.

265. My house is big enough for the two of us.

266. Maybe even more.

267. Hey, Aunt Peggy. Look what I got.

268. What did you do?

269. Mama's gonna love it.

270. I will not have you running around all glammed up like Phyllis Diller.

271. You're not my mama.

272. Mama's my mama.

273. Luanne, you are never gonna see her for what she is.

274. Well, I am sorry, but I have not got time for the pain.

275. The next time that woman breaks your heart,

276. I won't be waiting there to say I told you so.

277. Why won't you give Mama a chance?

278. She just really needs us to believe in her.

279. I believe in her, Luanne.

280. I asked her to marry me.

281. You're gonna marry Mama?

282. This is like a fairytale.

283. I'm gonna call you "Stepdaddy Bill."

284. You see, Aunt Peggy?

285. I'm not the only one who thinks Mama can change.

286. They grow up so fast.

287. You stupid, fat, stupid, ugly, son of...

288. It's just unbelievable.

289. Every time, I find somebody like you.

290. - Hey, fellas. - What happened to your eye?

291. That's an interesting story.

292. You know what? I was walking...

293. and I walked into a door.

294. Wait a minute. How is that interesting?

295. I'm hungry. Where's the bride-to-be?

296. Oh, she'll be out soon.

297. She just has the pre-engagement party jitters.

298. Some kind of damn jitters.

299. Well, hey, everybody,

300. welcome to the party.

301. Hey, here she is.

302. Let's get it on!

303. Oh, no. What should we do?

304. Well...

305. I am going to go close up the mustard before it crusts.

306. If you'll excuse me.

307. Okay, if she gets out of hand, I'll go high, you guys go low.

308. I'm ready for her. Pepper spray.

309. Fifty percent capsicum.

310. Mama, maybe you should eat something.

311. Well, where's the damn food?

312. Did Fungus-for-Brains already gobble it all up?

313. Gobble up, yeah.

314. Hey, boys, she's back.

315. Give it up for Lee-Lee.

316. Poor, Bill. His woman is making a fool of him.

317. It happens.

318. - Mama, please. - Will you quit calling me that?

319. I might be 34.

320. Look at these!

321. Hello, righty. Hello, lefty. Say hi, everybody.

322. - I want to go home. - Thank God.

323. Hey!

324. Well, come on, stud, show me some love!

325. Help! Get this skank off me!

326. Fork!

327. You pimply little...

328. Excuse me, ma'am, but that was my fork.

329. Poor Peggy. She's dead.

330. Leanne, whether you like the title or not, you are this girl's mother.

331. She has been waiting her whole life for a shred of attention from you.

332. You don't know how to return a fraction of the love

333. that you get from your child, or from your man.

334. I hope someday you can live without alcohol.

335. But until that day, we can all live very nicely without you.

336. Peggy.

337. Thank you for that. I'm sorry.

338. I've been acting pretty foolish, everyone.

339. You can let go of my hand.

340. Get her off of me! Hank!

341. Hank!

342. You had better get her off of me!

343. I kicked your brother's ass, and I will kick yours, too, sissy.

344. Well, there's one thing that you didn't count on.

345. My brother has got size 6 feet, but I don't.

346. Oh, yeah!

347. - You kicked her ass. - Go, Peggy.

348. Come on, Luanne, let's get outta this dump.

349. You think you're better than me?

350. Fine. Then I ain't your sister no more!

351. Well, I guess we can start eating.

352. You can't just let her steal your truck, Bill,

353. you gotta call the police.

354. No, I think the best thing to do is just let her go.

355. If she doesn't come back, it means we were never meant to be.

356. And if she does come back, well, then...

357. I'll call the police.

358. - You kicked her ass, Mama. - Yes, I did.

359. - But she's a better dancer. - You do not know that.

360. What should I do about Mr. Dauterive?

361. He keeps introducing me as his daughter.

362. The parental bond is extremely strong, even if it's not real.

363. You know, the aunt-niece bond is even stronger.

364. I think so, too.

365. Twin sisters may have the strongest bond.

366. Especially if they're attached at the head.

367. And next would be the aunt-niece bond.

368. Oh, yeah.

369. Strongest is the aunt-niece attached at the head.

370. Well, I don't know how that would happen, but, yes, that would be very strong.