King of the Hill 2x17

Lynne Thigpen as Judge (voice) • Billy West as Clerk (voice) • David Herman as Buckley / Matt (voice)

When Hank tries to buy a new dryer, he is told that his credit is no good because he owes money to Arlen Video. The video store's computer says he rented and never returned a pornographic movie, Cuffs and Collars. Hank refuses to pay for a movie he never rented, and sets out to prove that the computer was wrong.

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!req King of the Hill 2x17 [02:32]
!req King of the Hill 2x17 [King of the Hill 2x17]
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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. Good morning, class. I will be subbing for Mrs. Dorland,

2. who is at home recuperating from the Hanta virus.

3. What's the Hanta virus?

4. Well, Clark, it's a flu-like disease,

5. usually contracted from rodent droppings.

6. Okay! All right, then.

7. Now, in preparation for our field trip, your classmates are going to act out

8. a little-known episode of Mexican-American history.

9. The year is 1847...

10. I am General Santa Anna.

11. I led the Mexican army at the Alamo, where we defeated Texas.

12. We are at the Battle of Cerro Gordo, 11 years later,

13. and we are hungry.

14. Sir, I will hold your artificial leg while you eat chicken.

15. Attack.

16. Look out! It's the Illinois Volunteer Infantry.

17. Hop on, general!

18. I stole your fake leg.

19. That was beautiful! That was just inspired!

20. The General's artificial leg has been on display

21. in an Illinois museum for over a century.

22. But this year, America decided to return it to Mexico.

23. Even as we speak,

24. Santa Anna's real fake leg is making its way from museum to museum

25. on its journey home.

26. I guess you could say the Arlen Museum is the last leg of the tour.

27. Oh, Peggy!

28. Yeah, see, that was 1976.

29. In 1977, I did wear shoes.

30. Boy, that car's going fast!

31. Doesn't he know men drink in this alley?

32. That looks like your dad's Cadillac car, Hank.

33. Yeah, that looks like dang old... Better hit the dirt!

34. Thanks, fatty. Don't mind if I do!

35. Jeez, Dad, you almost dented the cooler!

36. Where's Didi? I thought with your eyesight she was doing all the driving.

37. We had another fight. I threw her out.

38. Didi, woman, my toes are cold. Knit me a blanket!

39. I don't have time, honey. I'm late for work.

40. That's a good one, babycakes. Now, get your knitting sticks.

41. You're gonna have to wear your socks, colonel.

42. - So I put her out on the street. - Good for you, sir.

43. I admire the speed with which you dispatched the insubordinate.

44. Shut your clam hole, Gribble.

45. So, I guess you're here to cool off for a few days

46. till you two can patch things up?

47. No, this one's for good.

48. I'm here to renew my driver's license.

49. Got the eye chart memorized down at the Arlen DMV.

50. They ain't changed it since World War II.

51. That's the big one, fatty.

52. Dad, about you driving, I'm not sure it's such a good idea.

53. Excuse me, Hank,

54. I think a man who gave his shins to win the Second World War

55. has earned the right to drive an automobile.

56. Hank, Bobby and me are going to rent an RV this summer

57. and drive around the country.

58. We'll do 50 states in 50 days.

59. You know, Cotton, you can travel anywhere in the world, in books.

60. Dad, you don't want to be driving on a crowded highway in the summertime.

61. I don't know.

62. There's nothing like the feel of the open road.

63. You know, Grandpa Hill, with an RV, you can put it on cruise control

64. and then go in the back and watch TV.

65. Luanne, please.

66. Dad, with all due respect,

67. I don't think you should be driving anymore.

68. Don't you tell me what to do!

69. You ain't my daddy! I'm your daddy!

70. I won the war! I can drive a car!

71. Even your idiot friend Gribble knows that!

72. Dad, Dale's just kissing up to you.

73. And so should you, boy!

74. Hank, that reminds me.

75. We need some chaperones for Bobby's class trip.

76. What kind of trip you taking, Bobby? Vegas?

77. There's a General Santa Anna exhibit at the museum.

78. We did a play about him in school, and I was one of his privates.

79. Yeah, I know all about Santie Annie.

80. We got his walking log under glass in Illinois, I'm glad to say!

81. Actually, Cotton, the leg is coming through Arlen.

82. America is finally returning the leg to Mexico.

83. - What? - Take it easy, Dad.

84. You see, Bobby,

85. your Daddy's generation's giving away everything we fought for!

86. Panama Canal, Mexican legs...

87. You people would give back Gandhi's diapers if you had them.

88. Would you look at that line? We'll be here all day!

89. Oh, for God...

90. Hank, I gutted a man, he whined less than you.

91. Why don't you guys get started? I'll be there in a minute.

92. All right, clerkie.

93. Now, take down the first letter of every word I say.

94. "Some day...

95. "Governor Reagan will run for President."

96. I pass. Give me the license.

97. I've never seen anyone miss every single letter.

98. You fail.

99. What? Look at it again!

100. "Some Day," that's S-D,

101. as in "Stupid Dummy." That's you! Tell him, Hank!

102. This is an outrage!

103. We are very dissatisfied customers. Come on, Dad, let's go.

104. So, you had the clerk switch the eye chart.

105. That's a good plan, if you silence the clerk.

106. It was one of the toughest things I ever had to do, I tell you what.

107. But my dad's getting close to the end zone now.

108. I gotta start calling some of his plays.

109. I know what you mean.

110. My dad can't even load his own hunting rifle anymore.

111. I mean, I gotta put it in his hands,

112. practically pull the dang trigger for him.

113. Sad, very sad.

114. The DMV changed the damn chart on me, that's what they did!

115. I tell you what, man! That dang old DMV, take my picture,

116. that old hair hooter that day.

117. Four dang old years ago, looking like Cokie Roberts.

118. There are ways to get around the license problem, sir.

119. Dale, this doesn't concern you.

120. For example, put a sail on your car,

121. call it a boat.

122. Hear that, Hank? Gribble's got a clever idea.

123. Go get me a sail!

124. It's a stupid idea, Dad.

125. Well, excuse me, Hank,

126. I guess I'm not as clever as you are.

127. I mean, I could never think of a clever idea

128. like switching the eye chart so your dad would fail that...

129. Dang it, Dale!

130. Looks like we got ourselves a Benedict Arlen!

131. What do you got to say for yourself, boy?

132. Look, Dad, I did change that chart.

133. I did it because I care about you. You should not be driving.

134. But he's a war hero, Hank. A World War hero!

135. You should let him do whatever he wants.

136. Shut up, Dale! I know what's best for my dad.

137. If you knew what's best for me,

138. you'd have drowned yourself two days after you was born!

139. Goodbye, Hank. I'm leaving!

140. Gribble, good news!

141. I'm staying with you from now on!

142. You hear that, Hank? Daddy's staying with me.

143. - Did you sleep okay, Mr. Hill? - Yep, just fine.

144. See, Nancy?

145. And you wanted to give away Joseph's crib.

146. There you go, sir. One perfectly forged driver's license.

147. Good until the year 3000.

148. Good boy! Here's a dollar.

149. Hey, Dad?

150. I need you to sign my permission slip for that Santa Anna exhibit.

151. Joseph, you know I do not sign any document

152. issued by a government institution.

153. Hey, Hank.

154. Come on, Joseph, our ride's here.

155. Hey, Tokyo Rose! How does your garden grow?

156. Don't start with me, Dale.

157. All right, Dad, you made your point.

158. Now, come on back, and we'll talk about this.

159. I got a whole box of Mega Lo plates you can break.

160. I'd rather break Gribble's plates, thank you very much!

161. No, thank you very much, sir.

162. I'm done.

163. I'm going down to the drugstore to pick up my shin salve.

164. All right, well, let me drive you and—

165. I don't need you.

166. Gribble made me a license.

167. I've never seen a meter maid take so long to write a ticket.

168. All right, sir. Please step out of the vehicle.

169. You wanna frisk me, Cagney? Go ahead, and then I can do you.

170. And when I asked for his license, he gave me this.

171. Yeah, I know it's expired.

172. I'm real sorry about that. He shouldn't be driving.

173. Expired? It's not even real.

174. Made out of the back of a cereal box.

175. You're lucky.

176. In the most severe cases of senile dementia,

177. they can't even remember their sons' names.

178. What? He's not senile. My dad's just a character.

179. You know, like a cowboy.

180. Dad, knock it off. Come on!

181. All right, General Mills.

182. Now, I'm letting your son take care of you.

183. You have to promise to be a good boy.

184. Do you recognize your son?

185. Yeah. He's Benedict Arlen.

186. The point is, Dad, you've got to calm down.

187. You're lucky you're not in jail.

188. Don't you take that tone with me!

189. I was out buying shin jelly. You show some respect!

190. Okay, let's talk about it over dinner, what do you say?

191. Go get your bags and we'll head on home.

192. Sure, I'll be right there.

193. - Hey, Didi. - Hank.

194. Listen, I'm here to ask you for a big favor.

195. You and my dad gotta patch things up quicker than usual this time.

196. I'm having trouble keeping him under control.

197. There's no patching things up this time, Hank.

198. The passion is gone.

199. There was magic between us when we first met.

200. Yeah, I come in here once a year to get my shins drained.

201. I don't take no anesthetic.

202. Did Lincoln ask for girlie-gas when they blowed his head off?

203. Magazines? Candy? Fruit roll-ups?

204. Look at you!

205. Aren't you the cutest little helpless thing?

206. You're like a little baby in that gown.

207. Sweet Lord!

208. Cling peaches in heavy syrup!

209. It was like Romeo and...

210. Juliet.

211. But now the magic's gone. Cotton said my bottom was too small.

212. Do you think it's too small?

213. No. Put that away! It's fine. It's very big.

214. Look, Hank. Isotoner makes sundresses now.

215. She is not gonna take him back, is she?

216. Nope. I'm gonna have to watch him like a hawk.

217. - Cigar, Hank? - No, thanks.

218. Good, 'cause they all been smoked.

219. Yeah, you got me on that one.

220. Anyway, the reason I'm here is to ask you to be a chaperone

221. on Bobby's museum trip tomorrow. I'm gonna be one.

222. Daddy can't go. He's taking me bumper bowling.

223. Will you stop calling him "Daddy"!

224. Come on, Dad. You'd really be helping us out.

225. Well, I've been helping you out of jams your whole life.

226. Might as well keep the streak alive. I'll do it.

227. We'll do it.

228. And then you killed the German corporal?

229. This is World War ll, Connie-girl. He was a Nazi.

230. Yeah, I severed his windpipe

231. with a two-foot strand of dental floss I kept in my boot.

232. And that's why it's always important to carry dental floss.

233. Okay, Tom Landry Middle School.

234. Next stop is the featured exhibit,

235. General Santie Annie's artificial leg.

236. What a beautiful prosthetic! Those T-shirts do not do it justice.

237. After its brief stay here,

238. General Santie Annie's leg will be returned to its rightful owner, Mexico.

239. Rightful? Finders, keepers!

240. Dad, now take it easy. Relax.

241. Along with the leg,

242. Mexico will receive a check for the original cost of the leg,

243. $1,300 U.S., and a letter of apology

244. signed by our commander in chief.

245. That draft dodger! He can't do that!

246. The Japanese blew my shins off! When am I gonna get them back?

247. Hank, chaperone your father.

248. Dad, I'm not gonna tell you again. Zip it!

249. Let's settle, people.

250. All right. Stop the bus!

251. It's been stolen! One of these hoodlums stole Santie Annie's leg!

252. All right, kids. Listen up.

253. I'm gonna close my eyes, and when I open them,

254. I wanna see that leg! You understand?

255. All right, Dad. I'm fed up. Where is the leg?

256. Well, I don't know if I can speak to that!

257. I was told to "zip it!"

258. The whole country of Mexico

259. is expecting to get their leg back on Saturday.

260. Delightful!

261. That leg means a lot to them,

262. and my driver's license means a lot to me.

263. What does the leg have to do with your driver's license?

264. Use your head, boy!

265. The Mexicans have diplomats. They'll pull some strings,

266. get me my license, then I'll give them back their leg!

267. - The police will come after you. - That's my offer.

268. Take it back to your people.

269. They never look in the most obvious place.

270. Colonel, shall we retire to the leg room?

271. Maybe that policewoman was right.

272. I've never seen Dad like this before.

273. He's not his crazy old self anymore.

274. He's acting crazy!

275. Well, stick a pin in me, I'm dreaming.

276. I have been saying that to you for 22 years!

277. Aunt Peg, Uncle Hank, I just heard on the news.

278. There's a Santa Claus exhibit at the museum

279. and someone stole his leg!

280. Colonel, I just want to say it's been an honor

281. fighting with you against Hank and his forces.

282. You can rest assured, I am with you all the way.

283. You got any of them little goldfish crackers?

284. He did it! He took the leg!

285. It was his idea! You can have it back!

286. Oh, no!

287. It's gone! Where'd you put it, you shinless old freak?

288. What did you... You're a worse traitor than Hank!

289. I know how to deal with traitors.

290. Sir, you're gonna want to give me that leg right now

291. before you get in any more trouble.

292. I need that leg for leverage in my negotiations

293. with the Mexican government!

294. They took my shins

295. and put them on display in the Emperor's pagoda!

296. That's the thanks I get for flossing them Nazis?

297. You tell the meter maid I want my car back!

298. I can drive myself. They just changed the chart!

299. "Some day Governor Reagan will run for president!"

300. We felt the psychological evaluation ended

301. after he claimed Doctor Miyoshi's stethoscope as a war trophy.

302. What are you gonna do?

303. Keep him here forever?

304. That's up to you. It's my opinion that he requires supervision.

305. Either he stays here,

306. or you and your wife need to watch him 24 hours a day.

307. Hey, Dad! How do you like it here?

308. Find someplace else to stand, fatty!

309. See, you know his name. He's already made a friend.

310. See, he knows his name.

311. Look, Peggy, board games!

312. - Checkers. - I love checkers!

313. Dominoes. Chutes and Ladders.

314. Why, if I didn't have to work every day, I'd come here!

315. Dad, I know a lot has happened in the last day or so,

316. but I need to know where that leg is.

317. If I give the leg back, can I get out of here?

318. We'll see. It's not up to me.

319. All right. It's in Gribble's golf bag.

320. I drew a "1" on it, and signed it "Lee Trevino."

321. All right, then. Dale's golf bag. Take it easy, Dad.

322. Don't forget about your old man. You'll come back for me, right, boy?

323. Well, it's not so bad in there, really.

324. Peggy, come on. That was awful.

325. My father hates it in there.

326. But it's not like I can watch him 24 hours a day.

327. No, you cannot.

328. Just wouldn't be fair to you, or me, or Bobby.

329. Maybe we're being too picky about this VA.

330. You know, Consumer Reports gave it a B-minus.

331. Well, that's above average.

332. Hank, how are you gonna break it to him?

333. Am I gonna live with you and Hank's wife?

334. No.

335. But I told you where the leg was!

336. I know, and I gave it to the police.

337. Look, Dad, I can't take care of you all day long,

338. and you wouldn't really want it that way.

339. So, there's only one other option.

340. Didi! What's she doing here? I told you it was over, woman!

341. I told him the same thing.

342. But he said I have to sign something to get the Cadillac car.

343. They've got you in a baby gown. Look at the baby.

344. Stop!

345. I'll get those.

346. Honey, I'm sorry I said your butt was too small.

347. If anything, it's too big!

348. But I likes you for who you is.

349. Come on, little baby boy, I'll drive you home.

350. That is retired Captain Barissimo de Fino.

351. When he straps on Santa Anna's leg, and walks it from our flag to his,

352. it will be officially returned to the Mexican peoples.

353. Well, the important thing is, they got it back.

354. Hey, wait a minute! That's the leg I made for the play.

355. Here you are, señor. One driver's license.

356. Thank you! And here you are.

357. One Santie Annie's leg.

358. The story you've just seen is based on a true event.

359. At the battle of Cerro Gordo in 1847,

360. the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg

361. of Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna

362. while the general and his men feasted on a lunch of roasted chicken.

363. Unfortunately, Santa Anna's leg still resides in an Illinois museum.

364. If you would like to join the movement to help return the leg to Mexico,

365. write Illinois Senator Richard J. Durbin.

366. Thank you, and good night.

367. That's a good one, babycakes!