King of the Hill 2x17

Lynne Thigpen as Judge (voice) • Billy West as Clerk (voice) • David Herman as Buckley / Matt (voice)

When Hank tries to buy a new dryer, he is told that his credit is no good because he owes money to Arlen Video. The video store's computer says he rented and never returned a pornographic movie, Cuffs and Collars. Hank refuses to pay for a movie he never rented, and sets out to prove that the computer was wrong.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Ahh!

2. No! No! No! These are my personal, private undergarments.

3. Now the whole neighborhood knows I wear them.

4. Well, I am sorry, Hank.

5. The dryer broke… again.

6. It's actually moistening our clothes now.

7. Okay, okay, we'll buy a new dryer.

8. Just help me get the rest of these down.

9. Mm-hm.

10. Let's buy this one.

11. It's like watching TV,

12. only the show is about wet clothes.

13. Hi, you folks have any questions?

14. Why, yes, I do.

15. Could you tell me the difference

16. between an electric dryer and a propane dryer?

17. Sure. A propane dryer costs a little more…

18. Ah, only at first.

19. When you factor in the lifetime cost of ownership

20. propane comes out on top.

21. Let me run through the numbers.

22. A family of four does three and a half loads a week.

23. Hey. Hey.

24. Hello, Buckley!

25. Hey.

26. When did you get promoted to greeter?

27. Yester… hey

28. day.

29. And if the current trend in electric rates continues,

30. you'll be glad you did.

31. Here's my card

32. in case you have any other questions.

33. Can we just take the Spinmore, please?

34. Would you be interested in applying for a Mega Lo card?

35. Heh. No, thanks.

36. The last thing I need is another credit card.

37. I've already got one.

38. Hold on. No money down,

39. no interest for six months

40. and ten percent off our first purchase.

41. Ten percent off?

42. Well, Chuck Mangione supports it

43. and his diet shakes did okay by me.

44. Hi, Luanne.

45. Hi, Bobby.

46. Hi, Buckley.

47. He's on break.

48. Where's Uncle Hank and Aunt Peggy?

49. Oh, I thought I'd give them some time alone

50. so they could, you know…

51. What?

52. You know.

53. Buy me a birthday present.

54. I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?

55. I don't think so.

56. Your birthday's not till next month.

57. Think about it, Luanne.

58. Why would you bring a child to a department store

59. to buy a dryer

60. when his birthday is three and a half weeks away?

61. It just doesn't make sense.

62. They're watching me, trying to get into my head.

63. See what I really want in a present.

64. No. I'm pretty sure we're just buying a dryer.

65. Okay, Luanne.

66. When mom and dad get done buying the dryer,

67. tell them I'm over by the dirt bikes,

68. holding a Toblerone.

69. Hey.

70. Okay, Mr. Hill

71. your credit has been rejected?

72. Huh? But why?

73. Well, the computer doesn't say. I'm sorry. Next.

74. Hold on a minute. You made a mistake.

75. I have perfect credit.

76. I think I recognize a frowny face when I see one.

77. Hank, why don't we just pay with a check?

78. Ah, sorry. We can't take checks from people with bad credit.

79. I'm having the time of my life.

80. And it's on sale.

81. Thanks for trying, Melinda,

82. but I'm pretty sure you can't just look up my credit

83. unless I send some kind of permission letter

84. to my credit bureau.

85. Nah, it's a piece of cake.

86. All you need is a $10 processing fee.

87. And I'll just deduct that from your paycheck.

88. Mr. Strickland, uh…

89. - I was just, uh, you know… - Hank's got bad credit.

90. Well, there's the rat hair in your tuna.

91. Seems like you're in the hole $40 to Arlen Video.

92. What?

93. It says I owe $40, and that can't be true.

94. I always bring back my tapes.

95. Look for yourself. I've returned The Great Santini

96. 23 times.

97. Okay. Hank Hill. June 23.

98. Yeah, you rented and never returned Cuffs & Collars.

99. I've never even heard of that. Have you?

100. Uh-uh. Unless he's got the name Merchant,

101. Ivory or Billy Crystal above the title,

102. I am not interested.

103. Wait a minute.

104. Wait a minute.

105. They're buying me a movie for my birthday.

106. That's why we're here, right?

107. Really, Bobby, they haven't said anything.

108. Bobby, you ever heard of a movie

109. called Cuffs & Collars?

110. Oh, I think that's the one with the two cops who don't get along,

111. but then they do, but it's too late

112. 'cause he's dead, but not really.

113. So you've seen it?

114. No.

115. How about you, Luanne?

116. Mm-mmm.

117. Oh, no. You're not getting a movie, Bobby.

118. You are so smooth.

119. Nope, we didn't rent it.

120. So if you could please erase the $40

121. and penalize yourself, whatever you think is fair,

122. we'll be on our way.

123. I am sorry. The computer won't let me erase anything

124. until you either return the tape, or pay the $40.

125. I told you, I didn't rent the tape.

126. Now, who's calling me a liar, you or the machine?

127. 'Cause I want to know whose arse to kick.

128. I'm not calling you a liar, sir.

129. Fine. Now, where's the arse on this thing?

130. I need a dryer, Hank.

131. Just pay for the tape.

132. Absolutely not.

133. I won't pay for someone else's screw up.

134. Heck, I wouldn't be surprised

135. if that tape was sitting on the shelf right now.

136. Where would Cuffs & Collars be?

137. Action adventure?

138. Action comedy?

139. Action action?

140. Make a left.

141. Okay.

142. Mmm.

143. How could they think I'd rent a stag film, Peggy?

144. I'm married.

145. I think we should just pay.

146. No! I've got to prove my innocence.

147. Now, wasn't June 23rd the day I went to my dad's

148. and installed grab bars in his shower?

149. Nope. June 23rd, I played boggle at Nancy's

150. and left you home.

151. Alone.

152. Peggy, you don't think I actually rented…

153. Oh, Hank. I don't care if you did or you didn't.

154. Well, you should care, because I didn't!

155. Oh, really, Hank, it doesn't matter.

156. It does matter!

157. It's important you believe me when I say I didn't rent the tape.

158. Honey, okay, I believe you.

159. Now, I just have one question.

160. - Did you rent the tape? - No!

161. All right, then.

162. But whether you did or you didn't,

163. I still think we should just pay.

164. The last thing I want is for people to be talking about this.

165. Especially in front of Bobby.

166. Luanne, Luanne!

167. It's even better than I thought!

168. Mom and dad are throwing me a surprise party!

169. So, Nancy tells me

170. she ran into John Redcorn at the video store.

171. The two of them heard you complaining

172. about some porno tape you lost.

173. Yeah, man! Talk about that dang ol' Cuffs and Collars, man.

174. Like when they come over to clean that pool, man. Start goin' like

175. a-wakka wakka-wakka…

176. Quit it! I didn't rent that movie!

177. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm not the only one

178. who is disgusted by pornography.

179. It's offensive.

180. It's demeaning.

181. It creates a standard of idealized beauty that your average man can't compete with.

182. Don't worry, Bill.

183. I'm not going to let my credit and good name be done in

184. by a darn computer error.

185. Computers don't make errors.

186. What they do, they do on purpose.

187. By now, your name and particulars have been fed into every laptop,

188. desktop, mainframe and supermarket scanner

189. that collectively make up the global information conspiracy,

190. otherwise known as The Beast.

191. Dale, I'm having a problem with one videotape,

192. not some kind of high-tech bogeyman.

193. You just be careful.

194. Computers have already beaten the communists at chess.

195. Next thing you know, they'll be beating humans.

196. Strickland Propane. Taste the meat, not the heat.

197. Hello, Hank?

198. - Speaking. - How you doing? It's Matt!

199. Oh. Hey… Matt, how you been?

200. Pretty good, pretty good.

201. Uh-huh.

202. So, uh…

203. How's, um… Peggy?

204. Uh, she's fine.

205. And how's, uh…

206. Do I know you?

207. Hank, if you liked Cuffs and Collars, you're gonna love Rug Burn, too,

208. and by "Rug Burn too" I mean Rug Burn also. Rug Burn Two isn't very good.

209. What? But… uh, who is this?

210. You know, Matt from Consenting Adults,

211. the country's largest supplier of mail order adult entertainment.

212. - So, how many can I put you down for? - Zero! God! Please watch your mouth!

213. This is an interstate phone line!

214. How did you get this number?

215. Not important. What is important

216. is that we have a bigger selection and lower prices than Arlen Video.

217. What? Arlen Video told you I rent pornography?

218. Uh…

219. Who plays the most hits?

220. Y-104.

221. Yeah, okay.

222. That crazy morning zoo.

223. Shame on you, Hank Hill!

224. What you do in the privacy of your own home

225. is disgusting enough

226. but to let it spill out into our streets

227. where my future children will someday play?

228. Well, that is going too far.

229. Shame!

230. Shame!

231. I would like the luxury of vomiting on myself right now,

232. but I don't have any clean clothes to change into.

233. Would you just pay the bill so I can get a new dryer?

234. It's too late.

235. The beast's already got him in its jaws.

236. Your only way out is to start life over with a new identity.

237. If you want, I can get you the birth certificate

238. of a child who died in 1953.

239. It's hardly been used.

240. No! I am not a quitter!

241. Who's not a quitter, my dead friend, Hank Hill

242. or my new friend, Rusty Shackleford?

243. Look, just help me get this smut back to the post office.

244. Bobby! Do not get off the bus!

245. Look at all those cards and gifts.

246. This is going to be the best birthday ever.

247. Next.

248. Uh, yes.

249. These magazines and, uh, equipment were delivered to my home.

250. I want you to return to sender and take my name off these mailing lists.

251. No. Post office can't take you off the mailing list.

252. You need to call the company you bought your pornography from…

253. I don't buy pornography!

254. I don't want this!

255. Take it back!

256. If you want to file a complaint, fill out this form.

257. We'll enter it in the computer, and…

258. No! No forms! No computers! We were never here!

259. Don't feed The Beast!

260. Mr. Hank Hill?

261. You threw out your mail, son.

262. Don't you want to prolong your lovemaking

263. pleasure for just pennies a night, Mr. Hank?

264. Give me that! Don't you people understand?

265. If I don't fight, someday it could be your name on these… plugs.

266. I'm doing this for all of you.

267. Do you know this guy?

268. No dadgum way, man!

269. That, that's some dirty old man, hangin' around sex toys, man.

270. Back at my place, if you're interested.

271. Boomhauer, no. I can do without Bill by my side.

272. He brings nothing to this fight, but you?

273. You should have seen this coming, Hank.

274. One by one, your friends will desert you.

275. I'll be next.

276. Now, Dale, this stuff about The Beast.

277. You made all that up, right?

278. Of course you did.

279. Oh, no.

280. Everything has been foretold in the book of revelations.

281. Uh, you just stepped in a diaper.

282. Darn it, it's the vice squad!

283. They must have followed us! Quick, Dale, bury the…

284. Dale?

285. Uh, sir, this is the municipal dump.

286. All garbage must…

287. Wait a minute.

288. This Superglide is oil based.

289. That's a petroleum by-product. You can't throw that out here.

290. Same with the batteries in your vibrator.

291. This is not my vi…

292. A-and it's not a…

293. It's a wand massager.

294. It says so right on the box.

295. All right, give me your license.

296. I'm going to run you through the computer.

297. The compu… uh…

298. I, I don't have my license on me at the moment.

299. Uh, but I can tell you that I was born in 1953.

300. As a child, I was quite ill.

301. Surprise!

302. What? I had no idea!

303. When did you plan this?

304. How was that, Luanne?

305. Let's try it again.

306. What the heck?

307. Peggy. Thank God you're here.

308. Hello. I'm Hank Hill, and I'd like you to sign my petition.

309. Hank Hill, I want you to get in the car, right now,

310. before the whole town sees you.

311. No. I am not a quitter, and I don't rent pornography.

312. I'm begging you, Hank.

313. Pay the $40.

314. We will buy a new dryer, and you can finally change your underwear.

315. Honey, it's the right thing to do.

316. Not until I prove my innocence once and for all.

317. That's why I'm taking Arlen Video to small claims court, Peggy.

318. I'm putting the whole system on trial.

319. You have not heard a word I've said.

320. What do I have to do to get through to you?

321. Do I have to take off my shirt and dance like the women in your movies?

322. I don't rent those movies!

323. Hank, if you want to keep up your silly little battle,

324. then you go it alone.

325. I am sorry.

326. Oh. Huh? Hmm?

327. Oh, man, his trial is tomorrow, and he's going in there

328. with nothing but six honks and one signature

329. and that's on his leg.

330. Darn taggers.

331. It's sad, really.

332. All he wanted was for his clothes to be dry.

333. Yup.

334. Yup.

335. Ho, yeah.

336. Mom! Look what dad got me.

337. There's Cuffs and Collars

338. and a whole bunch of other cop movies.

339. Jailbait, Hung Jury…

340. How dare you try to expose my son to these

341. uh, police tapes?

342. They're so degrading to, uh

343. law enforcement officials.

344. You never saw these.

345. Gotcha. It's a surprise.

346. Don't worry. I didn't read the card.

347. "I believe you, Hank. The answer is in the tapes. A friend."

348. "I need these back when you're done. A friend."

349. Okay.

350. Hey, did somebody call a plumber?

351. Come on in. I'll show you where the leak is.

352. Oh, not… No! Not… Oh!

353. Oh, God!

354. You want me to frisk you?

355. Ohh. What kind of cop are you?

356. Huh… A bad one.

357. Bobby, for the love of God, get out of the house!

358. Okay.

359. My mom told us to stay away for three hours.

360. My birthday party must be today!

361. Ooh! Then I guess this haircut is free.

362. I'm still supposed to charge you for the shampoo.

363. Here. Let me hold that.

364. Thanks, officer.

365. Say, are you a mounted police?

366. Not yet.

367. - But a girl can dream. - But a girl can dream.

368. Wait a minute! That's it!

369. That's it!

370. Yeah! That's it!

371. You are hereby ordered to pay damages in the amount of $1.50

372. and return the plaintiff's sunglasses.

373. Ha!

374. Mm-hm.

375. Next case. Hank Hill versus Arlen Video.

376. Mr. Hill, you allege

377. that you have been the target of systematic harassment

378. at the hands of a major international

379. computer conspiracy known as "The Beast."

380. That is correct, Your Honor.

381. - Oh. - Mr. Hill, why don't you just pay the $40?

382. Because I did not rent the tape,

383. and I can prove it.

384. It's pretty quiet.

385. And there are no cars.

386. I wonder where the magician parked?

387. Surprise!

388. Huh?

389. It must be in my bedroom.

390. Surprise!

391. Cuffs and Collars.

392. The tape I never rented.

393. 68 minutes into the film

394. actress Didi Cupp bends over to shoe her horse.

395. Now, if you pause the tape and look closely,

396. you can just make out a tattoo on Didi's left buttock

397. that reads I heart Charlie Sheen.

398. Mrs. Cupps also makes an uncredited cameo in Jailbait,

399. a tape which marks veteran porn star, Fernanda Valley's return

400. to the adult film industry

401. on the occasion of her 18th birthday.

402. Now, at the 70-minute mark.

403. Didi bends over to shoe a donkey.

404. What do we see on her left buttock?

405. Nothing.

406. There is no tattoo.

407. This can only mean

408. that Jailbait was made before Cuffs and Collars.

409. Now, why is this important?

410. Because Fernanda Valley turned 18 on July 5,

411. two weeks after I supposedly rented Cuffs and Collars.

412. Is it possible that I walked into Arlen Video on June 23rd

413. and rented a movie that didn't even exist?

414. I think not!

415. I rule in favor of the plaintiff.

416. Arlen Video is hereby ordered to remove the debt from its computer.

417. Mm-hm.

418. And let the record show

419. that Mr. Hank Hill really knows his pornography.

420. Thank you, Your Honor.

421. Oh, you did it, Hank. You won.

422. Oh, we can finally put this nightmare behind us.

423. Oh, no.

424. This isn't over yet.

425. Approved!

426. The dryer's yours!

427. I can't believe they forgot my birthday.

428. Oh, don't worry.

429. They still got a whole month to remember.

430. Yeah, man.

431. You got me, Luanne.

432. You knew the whole time, didn't you?

433. Yeah.

434. Yeah.

435. I don't believe it.

436. A dryer!

437. It's perfect!

438. Yup.

439. This is the best birthday ever.

440. That dang ol' a-wakka wakka-wakka…