King of the Hill 2x14

Directed by Wes Archer

Kerri Strug as Self (voice) • Jennifer Jason Leigh as Amy (voice) • Joanna Gleason as Maddy Platter (voice) • Mark Humphrey as (voice) • Alex Dent as (voice)

On Valentine's Day, Peggy finds out that Hank lied to her when they were dating: he told her he was at home one week with a football injury, when he actually got mono from kissing another girl. She sets out to uncover the whole truth, and finds herself face to face with the past.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh, Minh, you didn't have to bring cookies.

2. Hearing about all of little Connie's academic achievements

3. is all the treat that we need.

4. Oh, no problem.

5. Don't want them getting stale while we go on luxury trip to Mexico.

6. Mexico! Oh, Hank and I used to go every time they devalued the peso.

7. That got old pretty quick.

8. We stay in beautiful mitad duplex condo with Kahn's brother and family.

9. Oh, yes, lovely.

10. What mitad mean, exactly, in English?

11. First class? Deluxe?

12. Mitad.

13. You know, that's one of those words that doesn't translate easily.

14. Extra-special luxury?

15. It conveys the idea of simple, but relatively clean, living.

16. Stupid brother!

17. Now he back out on the trip and we stuck with full charge for condo rent.

18. We can't afford that. We just bought a CD jukebox.

19. Maybe cracker neighbor some use after all.

20. Howdy, neighbor!

21. Well, sure, there are some pros. It's a good deal.

22. I guess there's nothing tying us to the house

23. now that we've got automatic sprinklers, but there's also the cons,

24. the biggest one being, well, Kahn.

25. Hank, I saw the brochure.

26. The condo is two stories and very mitad.

27. You would barely have to see him.

28. If we stayed home, I wouldn't have to see him at all.

29. I can't think of a better vacation than that.

30. But it's also an opportunity to learn about another culture.

31. Now, the last time Bobby went to Mexico, he was still on the breast.

32. I love Mexico.

33. They fast-track new makeup straight to the consumer.

34. Here, the FDA tests and tests for years. It's like they don't care how we look.

35. Oh, come on, Hank.

36. I can finally replace that papier-mâché pear I got

37. when I was an exchange student in Oaxaca.

38. Come on, Dad! It's the real-life home of TV's Monsignor Martinez.

39. Well, okay.

40. If you all want to go, I guess it's buenos dias, Mexico.

41. Oh, Hank, I'm sorry,

42. but you just said, "Good Gods, Mexico."

43. I wish I could go on a luxury Mexican vacation.

44. It must be pretty expensive to stay in one of those mitad condos.

45. Must cost at least $500.

46. Maybe you got it for $350?

47. How much you paying?

48. I tell you what, man, about Mexico, man.

49. You go down and you load up on those dang ol' Chiclets.

50. You go there to wheel and deal

51. with dang ol' guys talking about caminos dos mujeres.

52. I think it's nice that you're going away, Hank.

53. You need a good vacation with your new best friend Kahn,

54. who you love so much.

55. Yes, Bill. I love Kahn.

56. Maybe if this trip works out, I'll marry him and live in Mexico forever.

57. Is that what you want to hear?

58. No.

59. Every time I try to pass, hillbilly woman speed up.

60. Don't be silly. Peggy Hill not even thinking about you.

61. Think again, hotshot.

62. Did you see that?

63. Hey, no fair. You're making a mockery of the breakdown lane!

64. Why is there such a big fence, Dad?

65. Well, millions of people come to America in search of a better life,

66. and we've decided we don't need that many.

67. Did the Souphanousinphones come through the fence?

68. No, Bobby. Kahn applied the legal way.

69. Sometimes the system fails us.

70. Hey, check out this dangerous character.

71. Watch out! You think he's running guns?

72. Sir, pull your vehicle over to the inspection area, please.

73. He was joking. Tell him you were joking, Kahn.

74. Let him look. You got nothing to hide.

75. See you at condo.

76. Don't steal the towels. You take, I charge.

77. This is a mini-bar.

78. You use, you pay.

79. Now, for the tour of the condo.

80. "Condo."

81. Wait a minute. Where the rest of it?

82. I pay for mitad condo, two floors.

83. This condo plenty mitad, but only one floor.

84. What are you trying to pull, ol' bait and switch?

85. "Mitad."

86. "Mitad" means "half."

87. Just downstairs, not upstairs.

88. - Me comprendes— - Just downstairs?

89. I can't spend whole weekend squished side by side with redneck neighbor.

90. No, don't worry about any redneck neighbor.

91. Nobody's rented the upstairs. It's completely vacant.

92. But where are the bathroom?

93. Oh, there's only one bathroom.

94. But, hey, the tub is big enough for two people.

95. I come to see Mexico.

96. Not Hank Hill squeezing this year's butt into last year's swimsuit.

97. Oh, no! You're not getting the upstairs,

98. not after what you did to me back there at the border.

99. Okay. You take high-class penthouse with view.

100. We take downstairs hovel.

101. Here's key. Lock little sticky.

102. You got to rake it like there's no tomorrow.

103. - This is a car key. - Yeah. You win new car.

104. This big game show. Just rake it, stupid.

105. Well, it probably just needs a little WD-40.

106. Peggy, which bag has our bathroom stuff?

107. Come on, kids, ándale. We're off to the papier-mâché district.

108. We gotta sneak off on our own, Bobby.

109. Mom, can Connie and I go play volleyball?

110. Well, all right. Just make sure to apply plenty of sunscreen, honey.

111. We are much closer to the sun here than in Texas.

112. This market is way too tacky.

113. They are not gonna have papier-mâché pears.

114. Oh, my God! La Leche Del Sol.

115. The illegal beauty secret of the stars.

116. Look, Bobby! Firecrackers.

117. Bueno. M-80s! Those are a quarter stick of dynamite.

118. - Oh, my gosh! - La Bomba.

119. Those can blow your whole arm off.

120. Vaya con Dios.

121. Hey, this is a beer, not a fruit salad.

122. Why can't you find your own bar?

123. I have same coupon book as you. I just want a beer.

124. This is free country, isn't it?

125. Oh, no. I don't want this. No.

126. Look, if you want to make money, play for that guy.

127. He's rich. Mucho dinero.

128. What? Oh, no. You think I'm a sucker?

129. You sing for me? I sing for you.

130. How about that trash can over there? Let's blow that up.

131. If this were a cherry bomb, I'd say yes.

132. But this is La Bomba.

133. This is our chance to really make a statement.

134. Pretty good job, Kahn.

135. I've never heard that song with only one note before.

136. Yeah, it all about rhythm.

137. Bartender, two cervezas, por favor.

138. These are all authentic, locally crafted masks.

139. In our culture, they have deep social and religious importance.

140. Yeah, that's nice. Have you got pears?

141. Right. You're here for the papier-mâché pear.

142. Well, the pears are not sold separately.

143. Oh, it's perfect.

144. Oh, muchos, muchos gracias. I'm not even going to haggle.

145. I have to pay for the frog, right?

146. Yes.

147. Of course. It is so beautiful. I really don't know how I can thank you.

148. Señora, I have a friend just across the border.

149. And I don't trust the mail.

150. The address is on the box. Would you deliver it for me?

151. Well, that would be my pleasure, amigo.

152. Gracias.

153. Oh, my! It's wrapped prettily, isn't it?

154. I wonder what is in it.

155. I'll tell you what's in there. Cocaine, black tar, PCP, you name it.

156. I see 20/20 special all about this.

157. You a mule, Peggy Hill.

158. Hank? Hank Hill? Is that you?

159. Dale? What are you doing here?

160. I was just out for a drive.

161. Thought this place might have clean facilities.

162. Talk about a coincidence.

163. It's a nine-hour drive, Dale.

164. Is it? I guess I better stay then.

165. - I think it's a dud. - Yeah.

166. Let's give it 15 more minutes.

167. Hey, you! You skinny gringo.

168. I don't know you. Are you a guest?

169. I'm staying with the Hills in 5-B.

170. 5-B? Upstairs?

171. Damn turistas! You try to rip me off? It'll be the last time...

172. Somebody missed his siesta.

173. Boy, now I know why they call it beach volleyball!

174. Volleyball is really fun.

175. Bobby, come here.

176. Honey, do you think I'm naive?

177. No.

178. Am I just a fool who believes whatever I am told?

179. I'm sorry.

180. Why on earth did I trust that man?

181. There could be anything in this package. Anything.

182. I am so estupido.

183. They had to kill ten turtles to fill one little jar. Neat.

184. Oh, my God! It's the police!

185. They know I tried to blow up one of their monuments.

186. No, they think I'm a makeup smuggler.

187. Get outta my way!

188. We all have to put on lots of makeup.

189. This tastes like turtles.

190. What in the heck is going on?

191. I was never here.

192. Peggy Hill is nobody's mule.

193. A pear?

194. Come on out here, everyone. Come on. Get out here.

195. We have nothing to hide.

196. You will pay the condo manager 8,000 pesos.

197. But, if the key fit, you must acquit—

198. Ten thousand pesos.

199. Bailiff, confiscate their identification.

200. Look, let's just pay the money and go home.

201. My money not fluid. Take weeks to raise funds.

202. - You pay. I owe you. - I can't cover it.

203. If I could just get back to Arlen, I could have them garnish my wages.

204. But we can't leave the country. They took our ID.

205. Are you kidding?

206. We won't have any trouble driving through that checkpoint.

207. They'll just wave us through, pretty as you please.

208. Really?

209. Well, Hank and me, 'cause we're Angloid.

210. You, they'll haul out and give the third degree.

211. Maybe it'll be safer if we all split up.

212. Dale, you come with me. Kahn, you're on your own.

213. Hey, Hill! You can't leave me. We Americans, Hank.

214. No lime in our beer, remember?

215. And we sure sent those mariachis running.

216. Help me, Hank.

217. You all get going now. Dale, Kahn, and I'll be along

218. after we clear up that little misunderstanding.

219. I don't think this such a good idea.

220. Yeah? Well, here's another idea. We go on without you.

221. Okay, all right, I get in.

222. Pothole.

223. Now, just follow my lead and play it cool.

224. What if they find Kahn?

225. If I know my Mexican legal system, which I do,

226. we'll get about 15 years with a starvation diet

227. of moldy bread and warm water.

228. Distilled water?

229. No.

230. And, of course, there is a total lack of toilet paper and privacy.

231. Oh, God! I can't go while people watch.

232. Then let me do the talking.

233. Morning! Where are you gentlemen from?

234. Arlen, Texas.

235. I've been to Arlen. Nice town.

236. Run!

237. I think we lost them. We'll be okay.

238. Okay? We're screwed.

239. No. We're American. We gotta find a pay phone

240. and hope Ross Perot's 800 number is still working.

241. Why you wanna call that nut for? Border right there.

242. Millions of people cross over every day. We can, too. No big deal.

243. Illegally? No.

244. America is my country, and I love her.

245. I wouldn't enter her in any way that's unnatural.

246. We have no choice, Hank.

247. The INS had their cameras trained on us.

248. The border guards think we're smugglers.

249. I'm too pretty to go to jail.

250. Excuse me. What did it cost you to rent those mopeds?

251. Actually, we own these, but we are looking to sell them.

252. Well, maybe we can help each other out.

253. The only thing is, we're a little short on cash.

254. That watch belong to my grandfather.

255. That was my only pair of button-fly jeans.

256. Hey, what happened to our mopeds?

257. Hey, look at me!

258. Somebody look at me!

259. Did you see?

260. Yeah, Dale, you looked really cool.

261. For your next trick, why don't I kick your ass?

262. Get on the back, Kahn. Dale, you're Lucky Pierre.

263. Oh, man!

264. It'd be faster if we walk.

265. "Did you see?"

266. Have we just been captured?

267. Wait, Hank, I can't swim!

268. Of course you can't.

269. Look at mighty river.

270. So much beauty. So much power.

271. Humbles a man, huh, Hank?

272. You good friend, Hank.

273. And friendship based on truth.

274. I broke into top condo on purpose, and I'm sorry.

275. What? Damn you, Kahn! This whole thing is your fault.

276. I thought you said you couldn't swim.

277. Yeah. I'm big, fat liar.

278. This river is filthy. Look at this. Underwear floating around.

279. Hank, a little help here?

280. He won't last two days in the U.S.

281. America. Texas.

282. Home.

283. Look how easy it is to get into this country.

284. Oh, I can't believe I had to learn the Bill of Rights.

285. When am I gonna use that?

286. You'd be surprised, Kahn. I take the Fifth on a daily basis.

287. Hurry up, Hank. The border guards are coming.

288. You gotta give me a hand. Dale?

289. Dale! Wait! I can't do it alone.

290. Gribble gone. Take my hand.

291. Welcome to land of opportunity, Hank.

292. Yup.

293. Yup.

294. Yup.

295. Hey, you know what's funny? This time, I on Texas soil first.

296. He's the immigrant. I smuggle him in.

297. Very funny, Kahn.

298. Hey! I live next door to alien. My property worth nothing now.

299. You get in the baby way.

300. I had to memorize all presidents. You couldn't do it.

301. That stretch between Polk and Buchanan wipe you out.

302. You ever hear of Garfield?

303. He more than a cartoon cat, you know.

304. He part of history of my country.

305. Vaya con Dios.