1. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
2. Your mom's flight arrives in half an hour.Copy !req
3. Hold on, I got to do a color check.Copy !req
4. Let's see, red, blue, green, whiteCopy !req
5. red, blue, green, white, red…Copy !req
6. Hank, aren't you excited
to see your mother?Copy !req
7. 'Course I'm excited to see her.Copy !req
8. I haven't seen her in two years.Copy !req
9. It's the boyfriend I'm worried about.Copy !req
10. You know, it's about time.
You got used to this, Hank.Copy !req
11. Your mother told you almost a year agoCopy !req
12. that she had a boyfriend.Copy !req
13. She said gentleman friend.Copy !req
14. I didn't know it was the same thing.Copy !req
15. I thought they'd just sit and have teaCopy !req
16. and talk about how good the tea is,Copy !req
17. you know, not too hot, that kind of thing.Copy !req
18. Well, I've never heard
your mother so happy.Copy !req
19. Come on. Just give this guy a chance.Copy !req
20. Why? He's just going
to use her like a footstoolCopy !req
21. like dad did.Copy !req
22. Rub-a-dub-dub, I think I'm in love.Copy !req
23. Oh, Hank, you're exaggerating.Copy !req
24. Not really. Oh, great, look,Copy !req
25. she's carrying both of the bags,Copy !req
26. and he's nowhere to be found.Copy !req
27. Well, hello, Tilly. How was your flight?Copy !req
28. Well, it was nice
except that we asked for no meat,Copy !req
29. and they served us meat,Copy !req
30. and we just can't eat meat
since Gary's bypass.Copy !req
31. Oh, Hank, it's so good to see you.Copy !req
32. Mom, we're in public.Copy !req
33. One hand only, okay?Copy !req
34. But I've missed you.Copy !req
35. Thank you very much.Copy !req
36. Well, Hank and I cannot wait
to meet your new man.Copy !req
37. We didn't know how to spell his nameCopy !req
38. so we don't have a stocking for him.Copy !req
39. Oh, don't worry.
I'm sure he won't even notice.Copy !req
40. Um, he's Jewish, and, uh,
they never did that in his family.Copy !req
41. Did they carry suitcases in his familyCopy !req
42. or does he think that's women's work
like dad did?Copy !req
43. Oh, Hank, Gary's nothing like cotton.Copy !req
44. He's got a big heart.Copy !req
45. Of course, now,
the doctors call it enlarged.Copy !req
46. You flush, and where does it go?Copy !req
47. Ah, you must be Peggy.Copy !req
48. That's right, Peggy.Copy !req
49. It is such a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Kasner.Copy !req
50. Mr. Kasner's my father.Copy !req
51. Gary. It's Gary.Copy !req
52. Hank! I recognize this
from your baby pictures.Copy !req
53. I'm glad to meet you at last, boychick.Copy !req
54. Hey! Hey, let go.Copy !req
55. Never, never! You'll never get away.Copy !req
56. Mom, I'll put your stuff
in the den with Luanne.Copy !req
57. Uh, Gary, I put a cot
in Bobby's room for you.Copy !req
58. No, no, no. Why move everyone around?Copy !req
59. Tilly and I can sleep out here
in the living room.Copy !req
60. N-no, I don't think so.Copy !req
61. Why, doesn't that couch open up?Copy !req
62. Uh, yeah, but no, uh…Copy !req
63. Hank, don't tell me you're uncomfortableCopy !req
64. with the thought of me and Gary
sleeping in the same room?Copy !req
65. I didn't have that thought, Mom.Copy !req
66. You put that thought in my head,Copy !req
67. but now that it's there,
you leave me no choice.Copy !req
68. I'm sorry.Copy !req
69. I got to drive all the way to HoustonCopy !req
70. to have Christmas lunch with my dadCopy !req
71. and then drive all the way back hereCopy !req
72. to have Christmas dinner
with my mom and him.Copy !req
73. Why do you keep calling him, him?Copy !req
74. I just find that odd.Copy !req
75. I call him Mr. KasnerCopy !req
76. keeping it nice and formal.Copy !req
77. Kasner? Is that German?Copy !req
78. It's Jewish.Copy !req
79. So… he's Jewish?Copy !req
80. Yeah, Dale, he's Jewish.Copy !req
81. There's nothing wrong with that
in and of itself.Copy !req
82. Is he funny?Copy !req
83. Well, he doesn't seem too funny.Copy !req
84. Seinfeld's funny.Copy !req
85. Seinfeld's funnier than Gary.Copy !req
86. I'll bet Gary Kasner, is it?Copy !req
87. I'll bet he's funnier than Cotton.Copy !req
88. Cotton ain't no funny at all, man.Copy !req
89. He got that POW Camp, man.Copy !req
90. That go, bamboo shoots talking about inCopy !req
91. putting them
under danged old fingernails, man.Copy !req
92. Don't freak me out about that.Copy !req
93. You know, I thought
my mom learned her lessonCopy !req
94. when she had the good sense
to dump my dad,Copy !req
95. but now she's gone and found another guyCopy !req
96. to treat her like a bellboy.Copy !req
97. Whoopi Goldberg's funny.Copy !req
98. You know, the man won't even eat steak?Copy !req
99. Now, what's that about?Copy !req
100. Heck, my boss has a bypass surgery
every year,Copy !req
101. and he eats all the damn steak he wants.Copy !req
102. Oh, that's not the reason
Gary doesn't eat steak, Hank.Copy !req
103. It's 'cause the cow is sacred
to his people.Copy !req
104. Nope. You're thinking of the Hindus.Copy !req
105. The pig is sacred to the Jews.Copy !req
106. Well, I wouldn't, myself,
never join a religionCopy !req
107. that restricted my diet.Copy !req
108. See, I, I don't want
to get into heaven that way.Copy !req
109. Hey, we have the same build.Copy !req
110. Yeah, I guess so,Copy !req
111. but your skin is a little tighter.Copy !req
112. Are you a war hero
like my biological grandfather?Copy !req
113. A hero? No. No, no.Copy !req
114. I spent most of Korea
in a submarine deep in the pacific.Copy !req
115. I didn't see much action.Copy !req
116. Hey, when you flush on a submarine,Copy !req
117. where does it go?Copy !req
118. You I like.Copy !req
119. You said you I like instead of I like you.Copy !req
120. That's funny. I like that.Copy !req
121. Wait, that I like.Copy !req
122. Hey, good, good, you're up.Copy !req
123. What is this I'm eating?Copy !req
124. It's some kind of delicious cutlet.Copy !req
125. Chicken-fried steak.Copy !req
126. Oh, well, I'm going
to count this under chicken.Copy !req
127. I'm allowed to have chicken.Copy !req
128. Uh, sit down. Let's talk.Copy !req
129. Hank, your mother
means a great deal to me.Copy !req
130. It's been a long time
since I've had these feelings…Copy !req
131. Uh, uh, sorry, but now is a bad time.Copy !req
132. Uh, this is my program.Copy !req
133. And I just ask you, father,Copy !req
134. to take this man's hiccups, to heal him.Copy !req
135. Oh. Uh, I, ICopy !req
136. y-you… believe in this stuff?Copy !req
137. Yep, that's right.
Uh, it's my favorite thingCopy !req
138. so please don't talk to me
about anything else right now.Copy !req
139. Hiccups, be gone!Copy !req
140. Well, I guess there's nothing we…Copy !req
141. Be gone!Copy !req
142. I was thinking of picking up a menorahCopy !req
143. so we can celebrate Hanukkah
and make Gary feel at home.Copy !req
144. What?Copy !req
145. I just think it'd be nice
to honor his traditions, too.Copy !req
146. Bobby could blow out all the candles
on Hanukkah eve and make a wish.Copy !req
147. No. He's the new guy.Copy !req
148. Why should we change anything for him?Copy !req
149. He hasn't made any offers
to change for me.Copy !req
150. Bobby, are you going to the game with us?Copy !req
151. Basketball I can take or leave.Copy !req
152. Excuse me? Honey, don't you mean to sayCopy !req
153. I can take or leave basketball?Copy !req
154. No, Mom. Gary taught me this.Copy !req
155. It's the cool new way
people from Arizona talk.Copy !req
156. You want I should teach you?Copy !req
157. Bobby, get your butt in the car.Copy !req
158. Let's go, let's go!Copy !req
159. If I miss the tip-off, I don't know
which team is going for which basket.Copy !req
160. Mom, you're not dressed.Copy !req
161. Didn't somebody tell you?
Four of Arlen's players made regionals.Copy !req
162. I think I'll pass.Copy !req
163. Fine. Whatever.Copy !req
164. I'm just saying an eighth grade like thisCopy !req
165. comes along once in a decade.Copy !req
166. It's been a long night without you, puppy.Copy !req
167. Mister, it's certainly
been a long, hot night.Copy !req
168. I got your mistletoeCopy !req
169. right here.Copy !req
170. Did you remember
to bring the Styrofoam finger?Copy !req
171. - Yes, Hank.
- Does it say number one on it?Copy !req
172. - Yes, Hank.
- The basketball one?Copy !req
173. Huh. That's my mother's robe.Copy !req
174. Soon as I'm out of sight,Copy !req
175. he makes her do the laundry.Copy !req
176. This is weird, sounds like the dryer's on,
but all their clothesare on the floor.Copy !req
177. Huh?Copy !req
178. My eyes, uh, I, I've gone blind.Copy !req
179. Hank, is something wrong?Copy !req
180. You look very strange.Copy !req
181. Well, I guess I'll have
to take your word for it.Copy !req
182. I can't see a thing.Copy !req
183. I've gone blind.Copy !req
184. Oh, good Lord!Copy !req
185. Blind he's gone now.Copy !req
186. Yeah, I'm really stumped.Copy !req
187. Your eyes respond to light,
the retina is in place,Copy !req
188. and there's no sign of a stroke.Copy !req
189. Mr. Hill, I know I've asked you this,
but you didn't poke yourself, did you?Copy !req
190. No. I just went blind for no reason.Copy !req
191. Why is that so hard for you to understand?Copy !req
192. What kind of a doctor are you anyway?Copy !req
193. Will you do something?Copy !req
194. What are all these machines for?Copy !req
195. What about that laser right there?Copy !req
196. Use that laser on my husband right now.Copy !req
197. All right.Copy !req
198. Whoa, whoa, I don't need a laser.Copy !req
199. Look, what if somebody saw
something really, really wrong?Copy !req
200. Could that affect someone's vision?Copy !req
201. Was something out of place,
something where it shouldn't be?Copy !req
202. Did you open the microwave door
before the ding?Copy !req
203. Just tell me if it's possible.Copy !req
204. Well, there is a temporary disorderCopy !req
205. called hysterical blindness.Copy !req
206. Someone can see something
so horrific, like, uhCopy !req
207. say a brutal murder, that sort of thingCopy !req
208. that they actually lose their sight.Copy !req
209. I got a couple of books on it.Copy !req
210. Uh… here, you take them.
You might need them.Copy !req
211. This condition could last
a few days or a few weeks.Copy !req
212. The key to getting better will be
to confront what you saw and deal with itCopy !req
213. unless, of course, you poked yourself in
which case, when you're ready to admit itCopy !req
214. you can come back
and I'll fix you right up.Copy !req
215. HankCopy !req
216. when are you planning
on telling me what you saw?Copy !req
217. I can't say.Copy !req
218. You want me to lose my voice, too?Copy !req
219. How can I help you get better
if you don't tell me what cause this?Copy !req
220. So, don't help me.Copy !req
221. I'll just be blind. I don't care.Copy !req
222. Is it a thing or, or a person
or a vegetable?Copy !req
223. Wh… Hank, just tell me.Copy !req
224. A person.Copy !req
225. Stop it. Stop asking me.Copy !req
226. When we get home,
you can show me on a doll.Copy !req
227. No.Copy !req
228. All right, I'll tell you,Copy !req
229. but you can't say anything
about it to anyone.Copy !req
230. I saw mom and Gary, uh…
in the throes of, uhCopy !req
231. activity.Copy !req
232. That's it?Copy !req
233. I can't believe you dragged me
to a medical doctor for that.Copy !req
234. Well, you get your sight back
right now, you big baby.Copy !req
235. Come on, Peggy, it's not that easy.Copy !req
236. How would you feel if you saw your motherCopy !req
237. on the kitchen table,
in the arms of a 65-year-old manCopy !req
238. wearing nothing but a submarine tattoo.Copy !req
239. I… eat breakfast on that table.Copy !req
240. What did the doctor say, honey?Copy !req
241. I poked myself in the eye.Copy !req
242. It's the darnedest thing.Copy !req
243. But what about the other eye?Copy !req
244. Well, it seems the other eye compensates
by shutting itself down.Copy !req
245. It's one of nature's wonders.Copy !req
246. My entire life I've been
reading psychology today.Copy !req
247. I, I never heard of an eye sympathetically
shutting down. Hmm.Copy !req
248. I've got a magazine you ought to read.Copy !req
249. It's called The Ten Commandments.Copy !req
250. Who's he talking to?Copy !req
251. Hank, you want I should come over there?Copy !req
252. "You want I should come over there"?Copy !req
253. That is so Arizona.Copy !req
254. I know what your problem is, Hank.Copy !req
255. Your finger's too big.Copy !req
256. That's why you poked your eye out.Copy !req
257. Ha-ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
258. Uh, hey, Hank, what am I thinking?Copy !req
259. You can't see.Copy !req
260. You can't see what I'm thinking.Copy !req
261. I'm not going
to be blind forever, you know.Copy !req
262. And the second I see some arse,
I'm kicking it.Copy !req
263. Now, no more making fun of my blindness.Copy !req
264. Okey-doke.Copy !req
265. Phone for you, Hank.Copy !req
266. The joke's on you, funny man.Copy !req
267. I like them flat.Copy !req
268. Press harder.Copy !req
269. Peggy!Copy !req
270. So. Okay…Copy !req
271. Who wants to make cookies?Copy !req
272. Jesus, if you're up thereCopy !req
273. what I'd really like for Christmas is
my sight back,Copy !req
274. and a wrench set.Copy !req
275. Well, maybe I should be
talking to Santa about that.Copy !req
276. What? What's going on?Copy !req
277. Did somebody drop a dish?Copy !req
278. Okay, now we will open the presents.Copy !req
279. I'll pass them out like usual.Copy !req
280. Oh, we got something… square.Copy !req
281. Uh… Did somebody ask Santa
for something square?Copy !req
282. Uh… Here you go… Bobby.Copy !req
283. Hey, that's for me.Copy !req
284. He said, Bobby.Copy !req
285. Cool… A nightgown.Copy !req
286. I'm going to wear this when I get older.Copy !req
287. All right, who's next?Copy !req
288. Ooh, I got a heavy one here.Copy !req
289. Okay, and here's something
tor Peggy from Tilly and me.Copy !req
290. A book. I love b…Copy !req
291. The clown did it: Movie comics.Copy !req
292. From Buster Keatonto Robin Williams.Copy !req
293. Look, Hank!Copy !req
294. I'm awake.Copy !req
295. Oh, and what do we have here?Copy !req
296. Oh, my goodness,
another mink coat for Hank.Copy !req
297. Sorry, Hank.Copy !req
298. I know that's getting old.Copy !req
299. That's great there, Gary.Copy !req
300. Thanks for turning my holiday
into a Woody Allen special.Copy !req
301. I'm going to sit in the truck
until it's time to go to my dad's.Copy !req
302. Where's my finger?Copy !req
303. Gary, he didn't mean that.Copy !req
304. Please excuse me.Copy !req
305. Hank, stop.Copy !req
306. Hank, if you won't come back in
for Gary or your mother,Copy !req
307. at least do it for yourself.Copy !req
308. Now, the doctor told you
it was psychological.Copy !req
309. If you run away from your problem,
you will never get your sight back.Copy !req
310. Are you going to drive me
to my dad's or not?Copy !req
311. Honey, I feel better already.Copy !req
312. Every block we put
between me and the kitchen tableCopy !req
313. is a load off my mind.Copy !req
314. Amen to that.Copy !req
315. Now, where am I going?Copy !req
316. Huh? Wha…Copy !req
317. Peggy?Copy !req
318. Where's Peggy? Turn this thing around!Copy !req
319. Peggy asked me to take you.Copy !req
320. And my policy is give
a woman what she wants.Copy !req
321. Stop the truck!Copy !req
322. Let me ride in back, in the bed.Copy !req
323. Don't be silly.
You'll be much more comfortable inside.Copy !req
324. Here, I'll, um…Copy !req
325. I'll tell you what you're passing.Copy !req
326. There's one of those big trucks.Copy !req
327. You know, the ones you find on the roadCopy !req
328. a semi, a demiCopy !req
329. a couple-of-dozen wheelers.Copy !req
330. Eh, here we got a billboard.Copy !req
331. They want us to buy some filing cab…Copy !req
332. Shut up! You're driving me insane!Copy !req
333. Oh, look! A hitchhiker!Copy !req
334. With a beard, a gun and a dog!Copy !req
335. I think we'll pick him up.Copy !req
336. It'll maybe take you out of this mood
you're in.Copy !req
337. He looks like a nice guy.Copy !req
338. No! No!Copy !req
339. But we can take the dog.Copy !req
340. No! He'll lick your face,
you'll feel better.Copy !req
341. No, no, no!Copy !req
342. Don't you like dogs?Copy !req
343. You're late!Copy !req
344. Dad, it's good to hear your voice.Copy !req
345. Still blind, huh? Or are you faking?Copy !req
346. Either you're blind or you're slow.Copy !req
347. I'd believe both.Copy !req
348. What's he selling?Copy !req
349. Oh, uh…Copy !req
350. That's just the guy who drove me here.Copy !req
351. Gary Kasner.Copy !req
352. Kasner!Copy !req
353. Happy Hanukkah!Copy !req
354. I served with one of your tribe
in the pacific.Copy !req
355. Name of Brooklyn. You know him?Copy !req
356. I know a Joe Brookstein.Copy !req
357. That's him.Copy !req
358. Well, let's go get a tree, boy.Copy !req
359. Uh, Dad, I got to takeCopy !req
360. your shoulder here.Copy !req
361. Hands off, girlie!Copy !req
362. I didn't fight off a bunker
full of horny privatesCopy !req
363. to let you cop a feel.Copy !req
364. You know, Dad, it's like old timesCopy !req
365. being here on the holidays.Copy !req
366. I got to say, I really like seeing…Copy !req
367. You been a chauffeur
all your life, Kasner?Copy !req
368. I'm in visiting with Tilly.Copy !req
369. Just thought I'd help out.Copy !req
370. Tilly?Copy !req
371. My old Tilly?Copy !req
372. Uh, Dad…Copy !req
373. My sweet God!Copy !req
374. Is she still around?Copy !req
375. She was too old for me 20 years ago!Copy !req
376. I don't know what year
she told you she was, mister,Copy !req
377. but that odometer's done rolled over.Copy !req
378. Dad, it's Christmas!Copy !req
379. It doesn't matter what day it is.
You don't talk about her like that!Copy !req
380. Tilly's a great woman!Copy !req
381. A wonderful woman!Copy !req
382. And all you did was dump on her!Copy !req
383. Shame on you!Copy !req
384. If I catch you talking like that again,
I'll kick your arse!Copy !req
385. All right, I'm backing down!Copy !req
386. One man's trash is another man's treasure.Copy !req
387. Hank, I'll wait outside for you.Copy !req
388. Uh… A little to your left.Copy !req
389. Thanks, Gary.Copy !req
390. Huh.Copy !req
391. You, you didn't have to leave early
on my account.Copy !req
392. Where's my eggnog!Copy !req
393. Bring me my eggnog!Copy !req
394. No problem.Copy !req
395. Where are we? We're not home yet.Copy !req
396. I'm taking you to a placeCopy !req
397. that might help you
to get your sight back.Copy !req
398. I've already seen the doctors.Copy !req
399. No, no, not medicine.Copy !req
400. Faith.Copy !req
401. No, that's really nice of you to offer
to share your Jewishness with me,Copy !req
402. but I really don't walk that way.Copy !req
403. Hank, trust me.Copy !req
404. Look, it's nothing personal,Copy !req
405. I'm just not crazy about the idea
of my God seeing me in your God's temple.Copy !req
406. Hank, I wouldn't take you
to a temple without telling you.Copy !req
407. Then where are we? What's going on?Copy !req
408. I know you didn't poke yourself
in the eye.Copy !req
409. It's not hard to figure out what happened.Copy !req
410. You saw me and your mother in the kitchen.Copy !req
411. I'm not flattered
that it made you go blind,Copy !req
412. but obviously, it's something
psychological with you.Copy !req
413. That's why we're here.Copy !req
414. Welcome, brothers and sistersCopy !req
415. and all you prayer partners
tuning in at home.Copy !req
416. Welcome to the Canvas Cathedral.Copy !req
417. Canvas Cathedral?Copy !req
418. The big TV church on the highway?Copy !req
419. You said it was your favorite.Copy !req
420. You brought me here?Copy !req
421. We're celebrating
a special birthday today.Copy !req
422. Does anyone know his name?Copy !req
423. He's almost 2,000 years old,
but he's still going strong!Copy !req
424. I think we should give him
a round of applauseCopy !req
425. because he's working on his birthday!Copy !req
426. I don't really believe
in this faith healing stuff,Copy !req
427. but it's a really nice gesture.Copy !req
428. I don't get it.
I haven't been that nice to you.Copy !req
429. Enough, enough.Copy !req
430. I do it because I love your mom.Copy !req
431. Well, she's very fond of you, too.Copy !req
432. And it's not such a bad thing
I'm beginning to think.Copy !req
433. Hey, hey, no fair.
I didn't see you coming.Copy !req
434. Okay… Got your jollies by now?Copy !req
435. He's healing the crippled todayCopy !req
436. on his birthday!Copy !req
437. He's healing the blind today.Copy !req
438. On his birthday.Copy !req
439. I got a blind man right here.Copy !req
440. Is this man your son?Copy !req
441. I'd like to think… maybe one day.Copy !req
442. Yeah, well, I guess that would be
an all right way to be thinking.Copy !req
443. BlindnessCopy !req
444. leave this man!Copy !req
445. I can see!Copy !req
446. That a boy! I knew you could!Copy !req
447. Amazing grace!Copy !req
448. He was blind, and now he sees!Copy !req
449. We'll be right back after these messages.Copy !req
450. Hey, Hank!Copy !req
451. How's the weather?Copy !req
452. Oh, right! You're blind!Copy !req
453. Oh, now me, now me.Copy !req
454. Hey, Hank.Copy !req
455. You're not wearing any pants.Copy !req
456. Man, Hank got that dang ol' stick, man.Copy !req
457. Even though walkin'
like he can see again, man.Copy !req
458. Hey, it's ol' spooky, man!Copy !req
459. Hey, Hank's got his sight, man. Run!
Get outta here!Copy !req
460. Hey, you want to taste
something good?Copy !req
461. Put the mashed potatoes
with the cranberries together.Copy !req
462. Mush them around.Copy !req
463. This is the best Christmas ever.Copy !req
464. Very good.Copy !req
465. I shouldn't eat so much.Copy !req
466. So moist this turkey is.Copy !req
467. It's a special occasion,
you can have another piece.Copy !req
468. Look, I wonder
who'sgoing to eat that piece?Copy !req
469. You going to eat that?Copy !req