King of the Hill 2x11

Directed by Cyndi Tang-Loveland • Cyndi Tang

Tammy Wynette as Tilly Hill (voice) • Toby Huss as Cotton Hill (voice) • Carl Reiner as Gary Kasner (voice)

Hank's mother bring home her new boyfriend, an affectionate Jewish man named Gary. After Hank sees the two of them having relations, he goes blind.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Just my luck!

2. The Super Bowl party's in 10 days

3. and my television goes on the disabled list.

4. Why don't we just get a new TV?

5. Well, I wish that was possible, son,

6. but the terrible truth is that America,

7. the best country in the history of the world,

8. no longer makes television sets.

9. If I let this one fall apart, I let a piece of America die.

10. Well, couldn't we just buy, like, a Japanese one?

11. Bobby, go to your room.

12. Luanne, telephone! It's Buckley!

13. Hello, Buckley.

14. What?

15. Of course not.

16. We could go to the outlet stores next week.

17. It's not like they're having a sale or anything.

18. They have everyday low prices.

19. Why are people so mean, Aunt Peggy?

20. It's been 2,000 years since Jesus was born,

21. but we're still acting like cavemen.

22. Honey.

23. Peggy, we're going shopping

24. for the Super Bowl party, not your feminine items.

25. Diet soda?

26. Hank, we have got a situation here.

27. Luanne has come down with a bad case of the "Why Me's?"

28. Come on, do something to cheer her up, please.

29. Luanne?

30. Me and Bobby are heading over to the Mega Lo Mart.

31. You want to go for a ride?

32. Is it okay if I don't feel like talking?

33. Sure. Why not?

34. It's not just Buckley. It's everything.

35. The world's going to pieces. I mean, look at any newspaper.

36. Aliens are getting autopsies, and devil-babies are being born every day.

37. That may be true, Luanne,

38. but it's up to each of us to make the world a better place.

39. Take me, for example.

40. I sell a clean-burning, energy-efficient fuel.

41. Do you think I could sell propane?

42. No, what I'm saying is you've got to find your own calling.

43. Yeah, you're probably right.

44. You're always probably right.

45. Garage sale.

46. This is it.

47. One deflection coil, made in the US of A.

48. With this in our set, the only thing beyond our control

49. is the size of the NFC victory.

50. Why don't we just watch the game at Mr. Dauterive's house?

51. I like it there. He keeps snacks in his couch cushions.

52. No, Bobby. The Super Bowl party goes:

53. Bill, Hank, Dale, Boomhauer.

54. This is Hank year, and I want everything to be perfect.

55. People are still talking about Super Bowl XXIV.

56. Boomhauer's dip was so thick,

57. our chips were snapping like Joe Theisman's birdie leg.

58. My name is Luanne. What's yours?

59. I'm Mr. Cat. "Meow" do you do?

60. You're pretty good with those.

61. I used to play with the puppets all the time, with the social worker.

62. Hey, how much for the puppets?

63. You mean it?

64. Well, if it costs 25 cents to make you smile, it's a bargain.

65. Look, Dad! An old wig!

66. Bobby, take that off.

67. I'm not saying it was a miracle, Reverend Thomason,

68. but I don't usually trip into boxes.

69. I think God has a plan for me.

70. And it involves puppets.

71. Luanne, I like the idea of a Christian puppet show,

72. but try to see things from my perspective

73. as the spiritual leader of this congregation.

74. We just laid new carpet in the Activities Room.

75. You put 30 kids in there, and lose their attention...

76. fruit punch all over my new carpet.

77. Please just hear me out.

78. You know how baby Jesus was born in a manger?

79. Okay, baby Jesus was born in a manger.

80. Now, what if, Reverend, what if,

81. the barnyard animals who witnessed the miracle birth of the son of God...

82. had a show of their own?

83. But Jesus only spent a few days in the manger,

84. and after Luke 2:16, there's no mention of the animals.

85. - Are you sure? - Trust me.

86. After he leaves the manger, the Bible pretty much sticks with Jesus.

87. Maybe that's good, because then the animals are kind of like us.

88. They're just waiting for Jesus to come back.

89. And in the meantime,

90. don't you think they'd have all sorts of crazy adventures?

91. I call it The Manger Babies.

92. We're headlining next week in the Activities Room.

93. Manger Babies, how do you like that?

94. - It's going to be a great show. - I know.

95. But now I've got so much work to do:

96. I have to write a script, build a puppet theater,

97. learn to talk without moving my lips.

98. You can make a theater out of that old refrigerator box in the garage.

99. I keep it pretty clean.

100. Uncle Hank, thank you.

101. Who said that?

102. You're doing a great job, Luanne.

103. - Yep. - Yep.

104. Thanks, guys. But if you have any suggestions—

105. You might want to spell "theater"R-E." It looks classier that way.

106. For those of you who missed my sermon this morning,

107. I'd like to remind you that spilling anything on a new carpet is a sin.

108. Now, please give a warm welcome to Miss Luanne Platter.

109. Once upon a time,

110. almost two thousands of years ago,

111. our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was born...

112. in a manger.

113. And in that manger, there were the cutest little animals.

114. This is their story.

115. There's Obediah the donkey. He says: Hee-haw!

116. Hosea the cat: Meow! Meow!

117. An octopus, too: Gurgle, gurgle.

118. But let's not forget a very British bird:

119. Sir Reginald Featherbottom III.

120. "Charmed, I'm sure, guvnor."

121. Darn it! I left a finish nail sticking out a quarter inch.

122. Hank. Shush.

123. Today's episode: Going to the Movies.

124. Who wants to go to the movies?

125. Hee-haw! I do. Hee-haw!

126. There are five of us, and I only have four tickets.

127. One of us blokes could sneak in, what, what!

128. Count me out! Isn't sneaking wrong?

129. Hee-haw! Everybody's doing it. Hee-haw!

130. Gurgle, gurgle.

131. "Meow-kay," let's go.

132. Yeah, but it reflects poorly on my craftsmanship.

133. That's all I'm saying.

134. You're the only one who notices.

135. Here you go: four tickets.

136. But there are five of you. You were trying to sneak into the movies.

137. You Manger Babies are in a lot of trouble.

138. I'm locking you in a closet.

139. No!

140. And that's why you shouldn't sneak into the movies.

141. The end.

142. The end?

143. Well, do they get out of the closet?

144. Sure, I guess.

145. How?

146. How do they get out?

147. I'm bored.

148. I don't understand.

149. Okay, Luanne,

150. how do they get out of the closet?

151. No, that won't work.

152. Jimmy the lock with a coat hanger.

153. What? I don't... I can't...

154. Jimmy the lock with...

155. - I'll save you, Manger Babies. - You will?

156. Yes.

157. Because I'm the assistant manager of this movie theater.

158. I sell popcorn and popcorn accessories.

159. And you are fired.

160. We're free!

161. We're free!

162. Thank you, assistant manager.

163. "Meow" can we ever repay you?

164. By never forgetting this lesson:

165. Sneaking into the movies is wrong.

166. As wrong as spilling juice on a new carpet.

167. Bravo!

168. You know, Luanne really shouldn't waste this kind of talent on church.

169. If you want, I could show her tape to my boss at Channel 84.

170. He's always looking for quality children's programming

171. and home videos of things blowing up.

172. Luanne really could use a boost right now.

173. But I could not take advantage of our friendship like that.

174. Peggy, honey, this is show business.

175. That's what friends do.

176. Done. All right, Bobby, it's safe to plug her back in now.

177. Okay.

178. Another Super Bowl, another can of Scotch guard.

179. It would be a lot simpler if you would just ask Bill

180. not to wipe his hands on the cushions.

181. I got a better idea.

182. You sit here.

183. Boomhauer, Dale, me and Bobby will sit here.

184. We'll do a zone defense around the chips.

185. What if Bill tries scrambling around the coffee table?

186. He doesn't have that kind of quickness. Not anymore.

187. Aunt Peggy, could you pull your car out of the garage?

188. Me and the Babies need to rehearse. The TV station could call any minute.

189. They'd be crazy not to.

190. That was the best dang Christian puppet show

191. I have ever seen. Ever.

192. I couldn't have done it without your help. You saved the day.

193. That's why this time I wrote a part especially for you.

194. That's very nice, Luanne, but my appearance was one night only.

195. But you got to do it.

196. Who else am I gonna get to play God?

197. - God? - Sure.

198. You were great as the hero of my last show, so I figured,

199. why not have you play the greatest hero of them all?

200. I tell you what, Luanne,

201. just as soon as I finish turning beer into water,

202. I'll meet you in the garage.

203. Great!

204. She made me God.

205. If you're God, I guess that makes me Jesus.

206. Bobby, honey, you really shouldn't say that.

207. That is for Luanne to decide.

208. Let there be light.

209. And it was good.

210. That's super. But can we get back to the script?

211. We're at the part where you meet your archenemy.

212. - Bobby's G.I. Joe? - Joe Six Pack.

213. He's a drunk driver who died in a car crash and was sent to hell.

214. He borrowed Satan's truck without asking, trashed it, and got kicked out of hell.

215. And now he roams the earth, riding buses and doing evil.

216. He won't call on your birthday and throws beer bottles at your head.

217. What? He crashed a truck?

218. You will feel my wrath.

219. What're you throwing out, grandpa?

220. The money I poured into the social security system?

221. It's for Luanne's puppet show.

222. I'm playing God.

223. Well, maybe we ought to ask God who's gonna win the Super Bowl.

224. Going to win? The game was pre-taped six months ago

225. in the same Nevada hangar where they faked the moon landing.

226. Yeah, it's like that dang old Capricorn One.

227. A good movie, but they ain't gonna fake no

228. staying on the ground like that little dude, that old Neil Armstrong.

229. I hope you're ready for that party, Hank, because you only got...

230. four more days till the Super Bowl.

231. Bill, the Super Bowl is in three days.

232. Damn.

233. God's not angry on that line. He's vengeful. Let's try it again.

234. Luanne, it's the TV station.

235. Hello.

236. Hank, look how excited she is!

237. Just a few days ago, she was talking

238. like the world was coming to an end.

239. You're a good man.

240. Man?

241. We did it!

242. Channel 84 is putting Manger Babies on the air!

243. It's UHF, Uncle Hank: ultrahigh frequency.

244. Luanne, you have thrust your hands into something wonderful this time.

245. We had better get back to work. We got a whole hour to fill on Sunday.

246. That doesn't give us much time to get ready. I mean, Sunday is...

247. Sunday?

248. Now, is that before or after the Super Bowl?

249. During. Can you believe it?

250. They put us on against the year's highest-rated TV event

251. cause they know we're the one show that can beat it.

252. It's a huge responsibility, but I know I can do it...

253. with God on my side.

254. Uncle Hank, I just realized my octopus only has six legs.

255. If I call him a "sextopus," do you think I'll offend sensibilities?

256. I'm sure you'll figure it out before Super Sunday.

257. I call it "Super Sunday" because that's when they play the Super Bowl...

258. this Sunday.

259. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm gonna stay home and watch the game.

260. What? But you're in my show.

261. Luanne, the Super Bowl is an event.

262. We're having a party. I'm the host.

263. So you mean you're not coming?

264. No, that's not what I said, exactly. I said I'm gonna watch the game.

265. But it could end early due to injuries or a terrorist attack.

266. Yeah, who knows?

267. You think I want to miss the Super Bowl?

268. I've got enough money on this game

269. to cover the bath I took on the Dinah Shore Classic.

270. But I will sit through that puppet show because Luanne asked me to.

271. Come on, I'll be God some other time, like Easter.

272. That's during baseball season. Who cares?

273. Hank, Luanne believes in you.

274. How can you allow suffering in her world when you have the power to prevent it?

275. Suffering is a part of every religion, Peggy, I mean,

276. look at what the Jews have been through,

277. and you never hear them complaining.

278. Okay, who had three minutes and forty seconds?

279. Yo!

280. Well, goodbye, Hank. Enjoy the "Selfish Bowl."

281. Luanne, I want you to know,

282. if Uncle Hank let you down,

283. honey, it doesn't mean that the world is a bad place.

284. Yes, it does.

285. Check it out! Look at that play!

286. Made it to the commercial.

287. What the hell do Tina Turner's legs have to do with auto insurance?

288. Wait a minute.

289. This just in from the Super Bowl. With 48 seconds left in the first quarter,

290. it's 63 degrees and partly cloudy.

291. Now stay tuned for the premiere of Luanne Platter's Manger Babies.

292. What are you doing, Hank?

293. If I wanted to spend Super Bowl Sunday staring at my wife,

294. I would have married Fran Tarkenton.

295. I didn't do anything.

296. Uncle...

297. Oh.

298. Okay, Luanne, you're on in 5, 4,

299. 3, 2...

300. Look at this! He's broken free!

301. Go! Go!

302. Come on, man! Turn it back.

303. I didn't change it.

304. Damn, we missed it!

305. Well, at least we get to watch him dance in the end zone.

306. That's right. Come on.

307. Okay!

308. - Come on, switch it back. - Come on, man.

309. - What is this? - What are we watching?

310. Come on, Manger Babies. I'll give you a ride.

311. We don't need it.

312. God is the designated driver tonight.

313. God doesn't care about you.

314. How can you say that? God does care, and He will show it.

315. This is getting old, Hank.

316. It's not me. It's this damn remote control.

317. Bill must have dripped crumbs in it or something.

318. Maybe God had a flat tire or...

319. What the hell is going on?

320. All I know is, this is the part where I start thinking:

321. "Why don't they just get out of the house?"

322. Don't be an idiot.

323. God's not coming.

324. He's watching the Super Bowl. Now, get in.

325. Hee-haw! We better do what he says. Hee-haw!

326. Well, he is our only ride.

327. Luanne, no! Don't get in the car!

328. Hee-haw! If God doesn't get here soon, we're all going to die.

329. Maybe it's best that we do die.

330. Who wants to live in a world without God?

331. You're right.

332. Hey.

333. Joe Six Pack, just point your car at those oncoming headlights

334. and let's get this thing over with.

335. - Oh, my God! - Yes, I have come.

336. Thank you, Uncle... Lord, we never stopped believing in you.

337. The Manger Babies' faith has been rewarded.

338. You are all saved.

339. And as for you, Joe Six Pack,

340. anyone who drinks and drives is a real jackass.

341. Hee-haw! Hey!

342. So, Hank, how does it feel doing the right thing?

343. Pretty good, I guess.

344. Of course, not as good as getting to watch the end of the Super Bowl.

345. The Super Bowl's always a blowout.

346. This puppet show, it was a real knuckle-biter.

347. My Lord! It's Troy Aikman!

348. What are you doing here, son? Sir?

349. It's kind of a funny story. Some guys were snapping towels in the locker room.

350. So I went to Bible study to get some perspective and saw a flyer for this show.

351. Sort of a little miracle, I guess.

352. You know, it was kind of a miracle that brought me here, too.

353. You see, I was watching my TV, and it started flipping channels.

354. Mom, I hope you don't mind,

355. but I borrowed the batteries from your remote control.

356. What remote control? I don't have a remote control.

357. Sure you do, in your purse.

358. The universal remote that can change a channel on any brand of television.

359. I borrowed the batteries for my Game Boy.

360. - When? - Before the Super Bowl.

361. But if the remote had no batteries, how did I...

362. Or after the Super Bowl. I don't remember.

363. That's right, come on.