1. come on, hank.
Your mom's flight
arrives in half an hour.Copy !req
2. Hold on. I gotta do
a color check.Copy !req
3. Let's see.
Red, blue, green, white.
Red, blue, green, white. Red—Copy !req
4. Hank, aren't you
excited to see your mother?Copy !req
5. Of course I'm excited
to see her.Copy !req
6. I haven't
seen her in 2 years.Copy !req
7. It's the boyfriend
i'm worried about.Copy !req
8. you know, it's about time
you got used to this, hankCopy !req
9. your mother told
you almost a year ago
that she had a boyfriend.Copy !req
10. She said "gentleman friend."
I didn't know it
was the same thing.Copy !req
11. I thought they
just sit and have tea,Copy !req
12. and talk about how
good the tea is...Copy !req
13. You know, "not too hot."
That kind of thing.Copy !req
14. Well, I've never heard
your mother so happy.Copy !req
15. Come on, just give
this guy a chance.Copy !req
16. Why? He's just gonna use her
like a footstool,
like dad did.Copy !req
17. Rub-a-dub-dub
I think I'm in love.Copy !req
18. Oh hank,
you're exaggerating.Copy !req
19. Not really.Copy !req
20. (hank)
oh, great.Copy !req
21. Look, she's carryin'
both of the bagsCopy !req
22. and he's nowhere to be found.Copy !req
23. Well hello, tilly,
how was your flight?Copy !req
24. Well, it was nice,
except that we askedCopy !req
25. for no meat,
and they served us meat.Copy !req
26. And we just can't eat meat
since gary's bypass.Copy !req
27. Oh, hank,
it's so good to see you.Copy !req
28. mom, we're in public.
One hand only, ok?Copy !req
29. But I've missed you.Copy !req
30. Thank you very much.Copy !req
31. Hank and I cannot wait
to meet your new man.Copy !req
32. we didn't know how
to spell his name,Copy !req
33. so we don't have
a stocking for him.Copy !req
34. Oh, don't worry.Copy !req
35. I'm sure he won't even notice.Copy !req
36. Um, he's jewish,Copy !req
37. and, uh, they never
did that in his family.Copy !req
38. Did they carry
suitcases in his familyCopy !req
39. or does he think
that's woman's work,
like dad did?Copy !req
40. Oh, hank, gary's nothin'
like cotton.Copy !req
41. He's got a big heart.Copy !req
42. Of course,
now the doctors
call it "enlarged."Copy !req
43. You flush,
and where does it go?Copy !req
44. ah, you must be peggy.Copy !req
45. That's right, peggy.Copy !req
46. It's such a pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Kasner.Copy !req
47. Mr. Kasner's my father.Copy !req
48. Gary, it's gary.Copy !req
49. Hank, I recognize this
from your baby pictures.Copy !req
50. I'm glad to meet you
at last, boychik.Copy !req
51. Uh, hey!
Hey, let go.Copy !req
52. never, never.
You'll never get away.Copy !req
53. Mom, I'll put
your stuff in the den
with luanne.Copy !req
54. Uh, gary, I put a cot in
bobby's room for you.Copy !req
55. No, no, no!
Why move everyone around?Copy !req
56. Tilly and I can sleep out here
in the living room.Copy !req
57. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
58. why?
Doesn't that couch open up?Copy !req
59. Uh, yeah, but, no, uh...Copy !req
60. Hank, don't tell meCopy !req
61. you're uncomfortable
with the thoughtCopy !req
62. of me and gary sleepin
' in the same room.Copy !req
63. I didn't have
that thought, mom.Copy !req
64. You put that
thought in my head.Copy !req
65. But now that it's there,
you leave me no choice.
I'm sorry.Copy !req
66. I gotta drive all
the way to houstonCopy !req
67. to have christmas
lunch with my dadCopy !req
68. and then drive all
the way back hereCopy !req
69. to have christmas dinner
with my mom and him.Copy !req
70. Why do you keep
calling him, "him"?Copy !req
71. I just find that odd.Copy !req
72. I call him Mr. Kasner,
keeping it nice and formalCopy !req
73. "kasner." is that german?Copy !req
74. It's jewish.Copy !req
75. so, he's jewish.Copy !req
76. Yeah, dale
, he's jewish.Copy !req
77. There's nothin'
wrong with that,
in and of itself.Copy !req
78. Is he funny?Copy !req
79. Well, he doesn't seem
too funny.Copy !req
80. Seinfeld's funny.Copy !req
81. Seinfeld's
funnier than gary.Copy !req
82. I'll bet gary...
Kasner, is it?Copy !req
83. I'll bet he's
funnier than cotton.Copy !req
84. Cotton ain't no funny
at all, man.Copy !req
85. Dang ol' p.o.w. Camp about
putting dang bamboo shootsCopy !req
86. talkin' about in
his ding dang ol' fingernails,Copy !req
87. man, don't freak me out
about that.Copy !req
88. You know, I thought my mom
had learned her lessonCopy !req
89. when she had the good sense to dump my dad.Copy !req
90. But now she's gone
and found another guy
to treat her like a bellboy.Copy !req
91. whoopi goldberg's funny.Copy !req
92. You know,
the man won't even eat steak.
Now, what's that about?Copy !req
93. Hell, my boss has
a bypass surgery every year,Copy !req
94. and he eats all
the damn steak he wants.Copy !req
95. That's not the reason
gary doesn't eat steak, hank.Copy !req
96. It's 'cause the cow
is sacred to his people.Copy !req
97. Nope, you're
thinkin' of the hindus.Copy !req
98. The pig is sacred
to the jews.Copy !req
99. I wouldn't, myself,
never join a religion
that restricted my diet.Copy !req
100. See, I don't want
to get into heaven
that way.Copy !req
101. Hey, we have
the same build.Copy !req
102. Yeah, I guess so.
But your skin is
a little tighter.Copy !req
103. Are you a war hero, like my
biological grandfather?Copy !req
104. A hero? No. No, no.
I spent most of koreaCopy !req
105. in a submarine,
deep in the pacific.Copy !req
106. I didn't see much action.Copy !req
107. Hey, when you
flush on a submarine,
where does it go?Copy !req
108. you, I like.Copy !req
109. You said, "you, I like,"
instead of, "i like you."Copy !req
110. That's funny.
I like that.Copy !req
111. Wait. That, I like.Copy !req
112. good. Good, you're up.
What is this I'm eating?Copy !req
113. It's some kind of
delicious cutlet.Copy !req
114. Chicken-fried steak.Copy !req
115. Oh well, I'm gonna
count this under "chicken.Copy !req
116. i'm allowed to have chicken.Copy !req
117. Uh, sit down. Let's talk.Copy !req
118. Hank, your mother
means a great deal to me.Copy !req
119. It's been a long time
since I've had
these feelings—Copy !req
120. Uh, sorry,
but now is a bad time.Copy !req
121. Uh, this is my programCopy !req
122. and I just ask you, father,
to take this man's hiccups,Copy !req
123. to heal him.Copy !req
124. i—i—i, y-you believe
in this stuff?Copy !req
125. Yep, that's right.
It's my favorite thing.Copy !req
126. So please don't talk to me
about anything else right now.Copy !req
127. Hiccups, be gone!Copy !req
128. well, I guess
there's nothing we can...
Be gone!Copy !req
129. I was thinkin' of
picking up a menorah
so we can celebrate hanukkahCopy !req
130. and make gary
feel at home.Copy !req
131. What?Copy !req
132. I just think it would be nice
to honor his traditions, too.Copy !req
133. Bobby could blow
out all the candlesCopy !req
134. on hanukkah eve,
and make a wish.Copy !req
135. No, he's the new guy.
Why should we
change anything for him?Copy !req
136. He hasn't made any offers
to change for me.Copy !req
137. Bobby, are you going
to the game with us?Copy !req
138. Basketball,
I can take or leave.Copy !req
139. Excuse me?
Honey, don't you mean
to say,Copy !req
140. "i can take
or leave basketball"?Copy !req
141. No, mom, gary taught me this.Copy !req
142. It's the cool new way
people from arizona talk.Copy !req
143. You want I should teach you?Copy !req
144. Bobby,
get your butt in the car.Copy !req
145. Let's go, let's go!
If I Miss the tip-off,Copy !req
146. I don't know
which team is
goin' for which basket.Copy !req
147. Mom, you're not dressed.Copy !req
148. Didn't somebody tell you?
4 of arlen's
players made regionalsCopy !req
149. I think I'll pass.Copy !req
150. Fine, whatever
I'm just sayinCopy !req
151. an 8th grade like this
comes along once in a decade.Copy !req
152. it's been a long night
without you, puppy.Copy !req
153. Mister, it's certainly been
a long, hot night.Copy !req
154. I got your mistletoe,
right here.Copy !req
155. Did you remember to bring
the styrofoam finger?Copy !req
156. Yes, hank.Copy !req
157. Does it say
"number one" on it?Copy !req
158. yes, hank.Copy !req
159. ?
The basketball one?Copy !req
160. (hank)
huh, that's my mother's robe.Copy !req
161. As soon as I'm out of sight,
he makes her do the laundry.Copy !req
162. This is weird.
It sounds like the dryer's on,Copy !req
163. but all their
clothes are on the floor.Copy !req
164. oh!Copy !req
165. uh...Copy !req
166. My eyes!Copy !req
167. I've gone blind!Copy !req
168. Hank, is something wrong?
You look very strange.Copy !req
169. Well..Copy !req
170. I guess I'll have
to take your word for it.
I can't see a thing.Copy !req
171. I've gone blind.Copy !req
172. Oh, good lord!Copy !req
173. Blind, he's gone now.Copy !req
174. I'm really stumped.Copy !req
175. Your eyes respond
to light, the retina
is in placeCopy !req
176. and there's no
sign of a stroke.Copy !req
177. Mr. Hill, I know I've asked
you this before, but you
didn't poke yourself, did you?Copy !req
178. No, I just went
blind for no reason.Copy !req
179. Why is that so hard
for you to understand?Copy !req
180. What kind of
a doctor are you, anyway?
Will you do something?Copy !req
181. ?
What are all these
machines for? What about
that laser right thereCopy !req
182. use that laser on
my husband right now!Copy !req
183. All right.Copy !req
184. Whoa, whoa!
I don't need a laser.Copy !req
185. Look, what if somebodyCopy !req
186. saw somethin' really,
really wrong? Could that
affect someone's vision?Copy !req
187. Was something out of place,
something where
it shouldn't be?Copy !req
188. Did you open
the microwave door
before the "ding"?Copy !req
189. Just tell me
if it's possible.Copy !req
190. Well...Copy !req
191. There is a temporary disorder
called hysterical blindness.Copy !req
192. Someone can see
something so horrificCopy !req
193. like, say, a brutal murder,
that sort of thing,Copy !req
194. that they actually
lose their sight.Copy !req
195. Here, I got
a couple of books on it.Copy !req
196. You take them.
I don't need them.Copy !req
197. This condition
could last a few days,
or a few weeks.Copy !req
198. The key to
getting better will beCopy !req
199. to confront what you
saw and deal with it.Copy !req
200. Unless, of course, you poked
yourself, in which caseCopy !req
201. when you're ready to admit it,
you can come back
and I'll fix you right up.Copy !req
202. Hank..Copy !req
203. When are you
planning on telling me
what you saw?Copy !req
204. I can't say.
You want me
to lose my voice, too?Copy !req
205. How can I help you get better,
if you don't tell
me what caused this?Copy !req
206. So don't help me.
I'll just be blind.
I don't care.Copy !req
207. Is it a thing,
or—or a person,
or a vegetable?Copy !req
208. hank, just tell me!Copy !req
209. a person.
Ah-ahh!Copy !req
210. Stop it! Stop asking me.Copy !req
211. When we get home,
you can show me on a doll.Copy !req
212. no!Copy !req
213. All right, I'll tell you.Copy !req
214. But you can't
say anything
about it to anyone.Copy !req
215. I saw mom and gary, uh...Copy !req
216. In the throes of, uh...Copy !req
217. Activity.Copy !req
218. That's it?Copy !req
219. I can't believe you dragged me
to a medical doctor for that.Copy !req
220. Well, you get your sight back,
right now, you big baby.Copy !req
221. Come on, peggy,
it's not that easy.Copy !req
222. How would you feel if you saw
your mother on
the kitchen tableCopy !req
223. in the arms of
a 65-year-old manCopy !req
224. wearing nothin' but
a submarine tattoo?Copy !req
225. I eat breakfast on that table.Copy !req
226. What did
the doctor say, honey?Copy !req
227. I poked myself in the eye.
It's the darnedest thing.Copy !req
228. But what about
the other eye?Copy !req
229. Well, it seems
the other eye compensates
by shutting itself down.Copy !req
230. It's one of nature's wonders.Copy !req
231. My entire life,
I've been reading
psychology today.Copy !req
232. I—I never heard of an eye
sympathetically
shutting down. Hmm.Copy !req
233. I've got a magazine
you ought to read.Copy !req
234. It's called
the ten commandments.Copy !req
235. Who's he talking to?
Hank, you want I should
come over there?Copy !req
236. "you want I should
come over there?"
that is so arizona.Copy !req
237. I know what your
problem is, hank.Copy !req
238. Your finger's too big.Copy !req
239. That's why you poked
your eye out.Copy !req
240. ha, ha, ha, ha!Copy !req
241. Hey, hank,
what am I thinkin'?Copy !req
242. You can't see.Copy !req
243. ]
[both laughingCopy !req
244. you can't see
what I'm thinkin'.Copy !req
245. I'm not gonna be
blind forever, you know.Copy !req
246. And the second I see some ass,
i'm kickin' it.Copy !req
247. Now, no more making
fun of my blindness.Copy !req
248. Okie-doke.Copy !req
249. Brring, brring!Copy !req
250. Phone for you, hank.Copy !req
251. the joke's on you,
funny man.Copy !req
252. I like them flat.
Press harder.Copy !req
253. peggy...Copy !req
254. So, ok, who wants
to make cookies?Copy !req
255. Jesus, if you're up there,Copy !req
256. what I'd really
like for christmas
is my sight back.Copy !req
257. And a wrench set.Copy !req
258. Well, maybe I should be
talking to santa about that.Copy !req
259. (woman on stereo)
? Mistletoe hung
where you can see?Copy !req
260. what? What's goin' on?
Did somebody drop a dish?Copy !req
261. Ok, now we will
open the presents.Copy !req
262. I'll pass them out,
like usual.Copy !req
263. Oh, we got
somethin' square, uh...Copy !req
264. Did somebody ask santa
for something square?Copy !req
265. uh, here you go, bobby.Copy !req
266. ? You will get
a sentimental feeling?Copy !req
267. Hey, that's for me!Copy !req
268. he said "bobby."Copy !req
269. ? Voices singing
let's be jolly?Copy !req
270. Cool! A nightgown.Copy !req
271. I'm gonna wear
this when I get older.Copy !req
272. All right, who's next?Copy !req
273. Ooh, I got
a heavy one here.Copy !req
274. ? Everyone dancing merrily?Copy !req
275. Ok, and here's
something for peggy
from tilly and me.Copy !req
276. a book! I love books.
"the clown did it.Copy !req
277. "movie comics
from buster keatonCopy !req
278. to robin williams.
" look, hank!Copy !req
279. Uh, I'm awake.Copy !req
280. Oh, and what
do we have here?Copy !req
281. Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
282. Another mink coat for hank.Copy !req
283. Sorry, hank,
I know that's getting old.Copy !req
284. That's great there, gary.Copy !req
285. Thanks for turnin' my holiday
into a woody allen specialCopy !req
286. i'm gonna sit in the truck
until it's time
to go to my dad's.Copy !req
287. Where's my finger?Copy !req
288. Gary, he didn't mean that.
Please excuse me.Copy !req
289. hank, stopCopy !req
290. hank, if you won't
come back in for garyCopy !req
291. or your mother,Copy !req
292. at least do it for yourself.Copy !req
293. Now, the doctor told you
it was psychological.Copy !req
294. If you run away
from your problem,Copy !req
295. you will never
get your sight back.Copy !req
296. Are you going to drive me
to my dad's or not?Copy !req
297. honey, I feel better already.Copy !req
298. Every block we
put between meCopy !req
299. and the kitchen table
is a load off my mind.Copy !req
300. Amen to that.
Now, where am I going?Copy !req
301. Huh? Wha—Copy !req
302. Peggy?Copy !req
303. Where's peggy?
Turn this thing around.Copy !req
304. Peggy asked me
to take you,Copy !req
305. and my policy is:Copy !req
306. give a woman
what she wantsCopy !req
307. stop the truck.
Let me ride in back,
in the bed.Copy !req
308. Don't be silly.
You'll be much more
comfortable inside.Copy !req
309. Here, I'll, um, I'll tell you
what you're passing.Copy !req
310. There's one of
those big trucks.Copy !req
311. You know the ones
you find on the road.Copy !req
312. A semi, a demi—
A couple-of-dozen-wheelersCopy !req
313. here we got a billboard.
They want us to buy
some filing cabinets—Copy !req
314. Shut up!
You're drivin' me insane.Copy !req
315. Oh, look!
A hitchhiker with a beard,
a gun and a dog.Copy !req
316. I think we'll pick him up.
It maybe take you out of
this mood you're in.Copy !req
317. He looks like
a nice guyCopy !req
318. no, no!Copy !req
319. We can take the dog.
no!Copy !req
320. He'll lick your face.
You'll feel betterCopy !req
321. no, no, no!Copy !req
322. Don't you like dogs?Copy !req
323. (cotton)
you're late.Copy !req
324. Dad, it's good
to hear your voice.Copy !req
325. Still blind, huh?
Or are you fakin'?Copy !req
326. either you're
blind or you're slow.
I'd believe both.Copy !req
327. What's he sellin'?Copy !req
328. Oh, uh, that's just
the guy who drove me here.Copy !req
329. Gary kasner.Copy !req
330. Kasner?Copy !req
331. Happy hanukkah.Copy !req
332. I served with
one of your tribe
in the pacific.Copy !req
333. Name of brookland.
You know him?Copy !req
334. I know a joe brookstein.Copy !req
335. That's him.Copy !req
336. Well,
let's go get a tree, boy.Copy !req
337. Uh, dad, I gotta take
your shoulder hereCopy !req
338. hands off, girlie.Copy !req
339. I didn't fight off a bunker
full of horny privates
to let you cop a feel.Copy !req
340. you know,
dad, it's like old times,
bein' here on the holidays.Copy !req
341. I gotta say, I really like—Copy !req
342. Have you been a chauffeur
all your life, kasner?Copy !req
343. I'm in visiting with tilly
Just thought I'd help out.Copy !req
344. Tilly? My old tilly?Copy !req
345. Uh, dad—Copy !req
346. My sweet god!
Is she still around?Copy !req
347. She was too old
for me 20 years ago.Copy !req
348. I don't know
what year she told
you she was, mister,Copy !req
349. but that odometer's
done rolled over.Copy !req
350. Dad, it's christmas.Copy !req
351. It doesn't
matter what day it is.Copy !req
352. You don't talk
about her like that.Copy !req
353. Tilly's a great woman,
a wonderful woman.Copy !req
354. And all you did
was dump on her.
Shame on you.Copy !req
355. If I catch you
talkin' like that again,
i'll kick your ass.Copy !req
356. All right,
i'm backin' down.Copy !req
357. One man's trash
is another man's treasure.Copy !req
358. Hank, I'll wai
t outside for you.Copy !req
359. Uh, a little
to your left.Copy !req
360. Thanks, gary.Copy !req
361. You—you didn't have
to leave early on my account.Copy !req
362. (cotton)
where's my eggnog?
Bring me my eggnog!Copy !req
363. no problem.Copy !req
364. (hank)
where are we?
We're not home yet.Copy !req
365. (gary)
i'm taking you
to a placeCopy !req
366. that might help you
to get your sight backCopy !req
367. I've already seen
the doctors.Copy !req
368. No, no.
Not medicine. Faith.Copy !req
369. No, that's really
nice of you to offerCopy !req
370. to share your
jewishness with meCopy !req
371. but I really
don't walk that way.Copy !req
372. Hank, trust meCopy !req
373. look, it's nothin' personal,
i'm just not
crazy about the ideaCopy !req
374. of my god seeing me
in your god's temple.Copy !req
375. Hank, I wouldn't take
you to a temple
without tellin' you.Copy !req
376. Then where are we?
What's goin' on?Copy !req
377. I know you didn't
poke yourself in the eye.Copy !req
378. It's not hard
to figure out what happened.Copy !req
379. You saw me and your mother
in the kitchen.Copy !req
380. I'm not flattered
that it made you go blind,Copy !req
381. but obviously it's
something psychological
with you.Copy !req
382. That's why we're here.Copy !req
383. (minister)
welcome, brothers and sistersCopy !req
384. and all you prayer partners
tuning in at home.Copy !req
385. Welcome to
the canvas cathedral.Copy !req
386. Canvas cathedral?
The big t.v. Church
on the highway?Copy !req
387. You said
it was your favorite.Copy !req
388. You brought me here?Copy !req
389. We're celebrating
a special birthday today.Copy !req
390. Does anyone know his name?Copy !req
391. He's almost 2000 years old,
but he's still goin' strong.Copy !req
392. I think we should give him
a round of applauseCopy !req
393. because he's
workin' on his birthday.Copy !req
394. I don't really believe
in this faith-healing stuffCopy !req
395. but it's
a really nice gesture.Copy !req
396. I don't get it.
I haven't been
that nice to you.Copy !req
397. Enough, enough. I do I
t because I love your mom.Copy !req
398. Well...Copy !req
399. She's very fond of you, too.Copy !req
400. And it's not such a bad thing,
i'm beginning to think.Copy !req
401. hey, no fair.
I didn't see you comin'.Copy !req
402. Ok, got your jollies by now?Copy !req
403. He's healin'
the crippled today,
on his birthday.Copy !req
404. He's healin' the blind today,
on his birthday.Copy !req
405. I got a blind man
right here.Copy !req
406. Is this man your son?Copy !req
407. I'd like to think,
maybe one day.Copy !req
408. Yeah.Copy !req
409. Well, I guess that
would be an all right way
to be thinkin'.Copy !req
410. Blindness,
leave this man!Copy !req
411. I can see!Copy !req
412. That a boy!
I knew you could.Copy !req
413. Amazing grace!
He was blind and now he sees.Copy !req
414. We'll be right bac
k after these messages.Copy !req
415. Hey, hank,
how's the weather?Copy !req
416. Oh, right, you're blind.Copy !req
417. now me, now me.Copy !req
418. Hey, hank,
you're not wearin' any pants.Copy !req
419. man! Hank got that
dang ol' stick, man,Copy !req
420. even though walking
like he can see again, manCopy !req
421. it's a little
spooky, man.Copy !req
422. Hey, hank's got
his sight, man! Run!Copy !req
423. Get outta here!Copy !req
424. (gary)
you wanna taste
something good?Copy !req
425. Put the mashed potatoesCopy !req
426. with the cranberries together,
mush them around.Copy !req
427. this is the best
christmas ever.Copy !req
428. Very good.Copy !req
429. (gary)
I shouldn't eat so much.Copy !req
430. (bobby)
so moist,
this turkey isCopy !req
431. it's a special occasion.
You can have another piece.Copy !req
432. Ah, well.Copy !req
433. Look, I wonder who's
gonna eat that piece.Copy !req
434. You gonna eat that?Copy !req