1. Come on, Hank. Your mom's flight
arrives in half an hour.Copy !req
2. Hold on.
I gotta do a color check.Copy !req
3. Let's see. Red, blue, green, white.Copy !req
4. Red, blue, green, white.Copy !req
5. Aren't you excited
to see your mom?Copy !req
6. Of course I'm
excited to see her.Copy !req
7. I haven't seen her in two years.
It's the boyfriend I'm worried about.Copy !req
8. You know, it's about time
you got used to this, Hank.Copy !req
9. Your mother told you almost a year ago
that she had a boyfriend.Copy !req
10. She said "gentleman friend."
I didn't know it was the same thing.Copy !req
11. I thought they just sit and have tea,
and talk about how good the tea is,Copy !req
12. you know, "Not too hot."
That kind of thing.Copy !req
13. I've never heard
your mother so happy.Copy !req
14. Come on,
just give this guy a chance.Copy !req
15. Why? He's just gonna use her
like a footstool, like Dad did.Copy !req
16. Rub-a-dub-dub
I think I'm in loveCopy !req
17. - Hank, you're exaggerating.
- Not really.Copy !req
18. Great. Look, she's
carrying both of the bags,Copy !req
19. and he's nowhere to be found.Copy !req
20. Hello, Tilly, how was your flight?Copy !req
21. It was nice, except that
we asked for no meat,Copy !req
22. and they served us meat.Copy !req
23. And we just can't eat meat,
since Gary's bypass.Copy !req
24. Hank, it's so good to see you.Copy !req
25. Mom, we're in public.
One hand only, okay?Copy !req
26. - But I've missed you.
- Thank you very much.Copy !req
27. Hank and I cannot wait
to meet your new man.Copy !req
28. We didn't know how to spell his name,
so we don't have a stocking for him.Copy !req
29. Don't worry.
I'm sure he won't even notice.Copy !req
30. He's Jewish,
and they never did that in his family.Copy !req
31. Did they carry suitcases in his family,Copy !req
32. or does he think that's woman's work,
like Dad did?Copy !req
33. Gary's nothing like Cotton.
He's got a big heart.Copy !req
34. Of course,
now the doctors call it "enlarged."Copy !req
35. You flush, and where does it go?Copy !req
36. - You must be Peggy.
- That's right, Peggy.Copy !req
37. It's such a pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Kasner.Copy !req
38. Mr. Kasner's my father. It's Gary.Copy !req
39. Hank, I recognize this
from your baby pictures.Copy !req
40. Glad to meet you at last, boychik.Copy !req
41. Hey, let go.Copy !req
42. Never. You'll never get away.Copy !req
43. Mom, I'll put your stuff in the den
with Luanne.Copy !req
44. Gary, I put a cot in
Bobby's room for you.Copy !req
45. No, why move everyone around?Copy !req
46. Tilly and I can sleep out here
in the living room.Copy !req
47. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
48. Why? Doesn't that couch open up?Copy !req
49. Yeah, but, no—Copy !req
50. Hank, don't tell meCopy !req
51. you're uncomfortable with
the thought of me and GaryCopy !req
52. sleeping in the same room.Copy !req
53. I didn't have that thought, Mom.
You put that thought in my head.Copy !req
54. But now that it's there,
you leave me no choice. I'm sorry.Copy !req
55. I gotta drive all the way to Houston
to have Christmas lunch with my dadCopy !req
56. and then drive all the way back hereCopy !req
57. to have Christmas dinner
with my mom and him.Copy !req
58. Why do you keep calling him "him"?Copy !req
59. I just find that odd.Copy !req
60. I call him Mr. Kasner,
keeping it nice and formal.Copy !req
61. Kasner. Is that German?Copy !req
62. It's Jewish.Copy !req
63. So, he's Jewish.Copy !req
64. Yeah, Dale, he's Jewish.Copy !req
65. There's nothing wrong with that,
in and of itself.Copy !req
66. - Is he funny?
- Well, he doesn't seem too funny.Copy !req
67. - Seinfeld's funny.
- Seinfeld's funnier than Gary.Copy !req
68. I'll bet Gary... Kasner, is it?
I'll bet he's funnier than Cotton.Copy !req
69. Cotton ain't no funny at all.Copy !req
70. Dang ol' POW camp about
putting dang bamboo shoots,Copy !req
71. talking about in his ding dang ol
fingernails, man, freak me out about that.Copy !req
72. I thought my mom had
learned her lessonCopy !req
73. when she had the good sense
to dump my dad.Copy !req
74. But now she's gone and found another guy
to treat her like a bellboy.Copy !req
75. Whoopi Goldberg's funny.Copy !req
76. You know, the man won't even eat steak.
Now, what's that about?Copy !req
77. My boss has a bypass
surgery every year,Copy !req
78. and he eats all the
damn steak he wants.Copy !req
79. That's not the reason
Gary doesn't eat steak.Copy !req
80. It's 'cause the cow is
sacred to his people.Copy !req
81. Nope, you're thinking of the Hindus.
The pig is sacred to the Jews.Copy !req
82. I wouldn't myself never join a religion
that restricted my diet.Copy !req
83. See, I don't want to get into Heaven
that way.Copy !req
84. Hey, we have the same build.Copy !req
85. Yeah, I guess so.
But your skin is a little tighter.Copy !req
86. Are you a war hero
like my biological grandfather?Copy !req
87. A hero? No, I spent most of Korea
in a submarine, deep in the Pacific.Copy !req
88. I didn't see much action.Copy !req
89. Hey, when you flush on a submarine,
where does it go?Copy !req
90. You, I like.Copy !req
91. You said, "You, I like,"
instead of, "I like you."Copy !req
92. That's funny. I like that.Copy !req
93. Wait. "That, I like."Copy !req
94. Good, you're up.
What is this I'm eating?Copy !req
95. - It's some kind of delicious cutlet.
- Chicken-fried steak.Copy !req
96. Well, I'm gonna count
this under "chicken."Copy !req
97. I'm allowed to have chicken.Copy !req
98. Sit down. Let's talk.Copy !req
99. Hank, your mother
means a great deal to me.Copy !req
100. It's been a long time
since I've had these feelings—Copy !req
101. Sorry, but now is a bad time.Copy !req
102. This is my program.Copy !req
103. And I just ask you, Father,
to take this man's hiccupsCopy !req
104. to heal him.Copy !req
105. You believe in this stuff?Copy !req
106. Yep, that's right.
It's my favorite thing.Copy !req
107. So please don't talk to me
about anything else right now.Copy !req
108. Hiccups, be gone!Copy !req
109. Well, I guess there's nothing we can...
Be gone!Copy !req
110. I was thinking
of picking up a menorahCopy !req
111. so we can celebrate Hanukkah
and make Gary feel at home.Copy !req
112. What?Copy !req
113. I think it would be nice
to honor his traditions, too.Copy !req
114. Bobby could blow out all the candles
on Hanukkah Eve, and make a wish.Copy !req
115. No, he's the new guy.
Why should we change anything for him?Copy !req
116. He hasn't made any offers
to change for me.Copy !req
117. Bobby, are you going
to the game with us?Copy !req
118. Basketball, I can take or leave.Copy !req
119. Excuse me? Honey, don't you mean
to say, "I can take or leave basketball"?Copy !req
120. No, Mom, Gary taught me this.Copy !req
121. It's the cool, new way
people from Arizona talk.Copy !req
122. - You want I should teach you?
- Bobby, get your butt in the car.Copy !req
123. Let's go! If I miss the tip-off,Copy !req
124. I don't know
which team is going for which basket.Copy !req
125. Mom, you're not dressed.Copy !req
126. Didn't anyone tell you?
Four of Arlen's players made regionals.Copy !req
127. I think I'll pass.Copy !req
128. Fine, whatever. I'm just saying,Copy !req
129. an eighth grade like this
comes along once in a decade.Copy !req
130. It's been a long night
without you, puppy.Copy !req
131. Mister, it's certainly
been a long, hot night.Copy !req
132. I got your mistletoe, right here.Copy !req
133. Did you remember to bring
the Styrofoam finger?Copy !req
134. - Yes, Hank.
- Does it say "Number One" on it?Copy !req
135. - Yes, Hank.
- The basketball one?Copy !req
136. That's my mother's robe.Copy !req
137. As soon as I'm out of sight,
he makes her do the laundry.Copy !req
138. This is weird. It sounds
like the dryer's on,Copy !req
139. but all their clothes
are on the floor.Copy !req
140. My eyes!Copy !req
141. I've gone blind!Copy !req
142. Hank, is something wrong?
You look very strange.Copy !req
143. I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
I can't see a thing.Copy !req
144. - I've gone blind.
- Oh, good Lord!Copy !req
145. Blind he's gone, now.Copy !req
146. I'm really stumped. Your eyes
respond to light, the retina is in place.Copy !req
147. And there's no sign of a stroke.Copy !req
148. I know I've asked you this before,
but did you poke yourself?Copy !req
149. No, I just went blind for no reason.Copy !req
150. Why is that so hard
for you to understand?Copy !req
151. What kind of a doctor are you, anyway?
Will you do something?Copy !req
152. What are all these machines for?
What about that laser?Copy !req
153. Use that laser on
my husband right now!Copy !req
154. All right.Copy !req
155. I don't need a laser.Copy !req
156. Look, what if somebodyCopy !req
157. saw something really wrong?
Could that affect someone's vision?Copy !req
158. Was something out of place,
where it shouldn't be?Copy !req
159. Did you open the microwave door
before the "ding"?Copy !req
160. Just tell me if it's possible.Copy !req
161. There is a temporary disorder
called hysterical blindness.Copy !req
162. Someone can see
something so horrific,Copy !req
163. like, say, a brutal murder,
that sort of thing,Copy !req
164. that they actually lose their sight.Copy !req
165. Here, I got a couple of books on it.
You take them. I don't need them.Copy !req
166. This condition could last a few days,
or a few weeks.Copy !req
167. The key to getting better will be
to confront what you saw and deal with it.Copy !req
168. Unless you poked yourself,
in which case,Copy !req
169. when you're ready to admit it,
come back and I'll fix you up.Copy !req
170. Hank.Copy !req
171. When are you planning on telling me
what you saw?Copy !req
172. I can't say.
You want me to lose my voice, too?Copy !req
173. How can I help you get better,
if you don't tell me what caused this?Copy !req
174. So don't help me.
I'll just be blind. I don't care.Copy !req
175. Is it a thing, or a person,
or a vegetable?Copy !req
176. - Hank, just tell me!
- A person.Copy !req
177. Stop it! Stop asking me.Copy !req
178. When we get home,
you can show me on a doll.Copy !req
179. No!Copy !req
180. All right, I'll tell you. But you can't say
anything about it to anyone.Copy !req
181. I saw Mom and Gary...Copy !req
182. in the throes...Copy !req
183. - of activity.
- That's it?Copy !req
184. I can't believe you dragged me
to a medical doctor for that.Copy !req
185. You get your sight back, right now,
you big baby.Copy !req
186. Come on, Peggy, it's not that easy.Copy !req
187. How would you feel if you saw
your mother on the kitchen tableCopy !req
188. in the arms of a 65-year-old manCopy !req
189. wearing nothing but
a submarine tattoo?Copy !req
190. I eat breakfast on that table.Copy !req
191. What did the doctor say, honey?Copy !req
192. I poked myself in the eye.
It's the darnedest thing.Copy !req
193. But what about the other eye?Copy !req
194. Well, it seems the other eye compensates
by shutting itself down.Copy !req
195. It's one of nature's wonders.Copy !req
196. My entire life,
I've been reading Psychology Today.Copy !req
197. I never heard of an eye
sympathetically shutting down.Copy !req
198. I've got a magazine you ought to read.
It's called the Ten Commandments.Copy !req
199. Who's he talking to? Hank, you
want I should come over there?Copy !req
200. "You want I should come over there?"
That is so Arizona.Copy !req
201. I know what your problem is, Hank.Copy !req
202. Your finger's too big.
That's why you poked your eye out.Copy !req
203. Hey, Hank.Copy !req
204. What am I thinking?Copy !req
205. You can't see.Copy !req
206. You can't see what I'm thinking.Copy !req
207. I'm not gonna be blind forever,
you know.Copy !req
208. And the second I see some ass,
I'm kicking it.Copy !req
209. No more making fun of my blindness.Copy !req
210. Okle-doke.Copy !req
211. Phone for you, Hank.Copy !req
212. The joke's on you, funny man.Copy !req
213. I like them flat. Press harder.Copy !req
214. Peggy.Copy !req
215. So, okay,
who wants to make cookies?Copy !req
216. Jesus, if you're up there,Copy !req
217. what I'd really like for Christmas
is my sight back.Copy !req
218. And a wrench set.Copy !req
219. Maybe I should be
talking to Santa about that.Copy !req
220. What? What's going on?
Did somebody drop a dish?Copy !req
221. Okay, now we will open the presents.Copy !req
222. I'll pass them out, like usual.Copy !req
223. We got something square.Copy !req
224. Did somebody ask Santa
for something square?Copy !req
225. Here you go, Bobby.Copy !req
226. - Hey, that's for me!
- He said "Bobby."Copy !req
227. Cool! A nightgown.Copy !req
228. - I'm gonna wear this when I get older.
- All right, who's next?Copy !req
229. I got a heavy one here.Copy !req
230. Okay, and here's something for Peggy
from Tilly and me.Copy !req
231. A book! I love books.
"The Clown Did It.Copy !req
232. Movie Comics from Buster Keaton
to Robin Williams." Look, Hank!Copy !req
233. I'm awake.Copy !req
234. And what do we have here?
Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
235. Another mink coat for Hank.Copy !req
236. Sorry, Hank, I know that's getting old.Copy !req
237. That's great there, Gary.Copy !req
238. Thanks for turning my holiday
into a Woody Allen special.Copy !req
239. I'm gonna sit in the truck
until it's time to go to my dad's.Copy !req
240. Where's my finger?Copy !req
241. Gary, he didn't mean that.
Please excuse me.Copy !req
242. Hank, stop.Copy !req
243. If you won't come back in
for Gary or your mother,Copy !req
244. at least do it for yourself.Copy !req
245. The doctor told you
it was psychological.Copy !req
246. If you run away from your problem,
you will never get your sight back.Copy !req
247. Are you going to drive me
to my dad's, or not?Copy !req
248. Honey, I feel better already.Copy !req
249. Every block we put between me and
the kitchen table is a load off my mind.Copy !req
250. Amen to that.
Now, where am I going?Copy !req
251. Peggy?Copy !req
252. Where's Peggy?
Turn this thing around.Copy !req
253. Peggy asked me to take you,
and my policy is:Copy !req
254. Give a woman what she wants.Copy !req
255. Stop the truck.
Let me ride in back, in the bed.Copy !req
256. Don't be silly.
You'll be much more comfortable inside.Copy !req
257. Here, I'll tell you what you're passing.Copy !req
258. There's one of those big trucks.
You know, the ones you find on the road.Copy !req
259. A semi, a demi,
a couple-of-dozen-wheelers.Copy !req
260. Here we got a billboard.
They want us to buy some filing cabinets—Copy !req
261. Shut up! You're driving me insane.Copy !req
262. Oh, look! A hitchhiker with a beard,
a gun and a dog.Copy !req
263. I think we'll pick him up.
It'll take you out of this mood you're in.Copy !req
264. - He looks like a nice guy.
- No!Copy !req
265. - We can take the dog.
- No!Copy !req
266. - He'll lick your face. You'll feel better.
- No!Copy !req
267. Don't you like dogs?Copy !req
268. - You're late.
- Dad, it's good to hear your voice.Copy !req
269. Still blind? Or are you faking?Copy !req
270. Either you're blind or you're slow.
I'd believe both.Copy !req
271. What's he selling?Copy !req
272. That's just the guy
who drove me here.Copy !req
273. - Gary Kasner.
- Kasner!Copy !req
274. Happy Hanukkah.Copy !req
275. I served with one of your tribe
in the Pacific.Copy !req
276. Name of Brookland.
You know him?Copy !req
277. - I know a Joe Brookstein.
- That's him.Copy !req
278. Well, let's go get a tree, boy.Copy !req
279. - Dad, I gotta take your shoulder here.
- Hands off, girlie.Copy !req
280. I didn't fight off a bunker full of
horny privates to let you cop a feel.Copy !req
281. You know, Dad, it's like old times,
being here on the holidays.Copy !req
282. I gotta say, I really like—Copy !req
283. Have you been a
chauffeur all your life?Copy !req
284. I'm in visiting with Tilly.
Just thought I'd help out.Copy !req
285. - Tilly? My old Tilly?
- Dad—Copy !req
286. My sweet God! Is she still around?Copy !req
287. She was too old
for me 20 years ago.Copy !req
288. I don't know what year she
told you she was, mister,Copy !req
289. but that odometer's done rolled over.Copy !req
290. - Dad, it's Christmas.
- It doesn't matter what day it is.Copy !req
291. You don't talk about her like that.Copy !req
292. Tilly's a great woman,
a wonderful woman.Copy !req
293. And all you did was dump on her.
Shame on you.Copy !req
294. If I catch you talking like that again,
I'll kick your ass.Copy !req
295. All right, I'm backing down.Copy !req
296. One man's trash
is another man's treasure.Copy !req
297. Hank, I'll wait outside for you.Copy !req
298. A little to your left.Copy !req
299. Thanks, Gary.Copy !req
300. You didn't have to leave early
on my account.Copy !req
301. Where's my eggnog?
Bring me my eggnog!Copy !req
302. No problem.Copy !req
303. Where are we?
We're not home yet.Copy !req
304. I'm taking you to a place
that might help you to get your sight back.Copy !req
305. I've already seen the doctors.Copy !req
306. No, not medicine. Faith.Copy !req
307. No, that's really nice of you to offer
to share your Jewishness with me,Copy !req
308. but I really don't walk that way.Copy !req
309. Hank, trust me.Copy !req
310. Look, it's nothing personal,
I'm just not crazy about the ideaCopy !req
311. of my God seeing me
in your God's temple.Copy !req
312. I wouldn't take you to a temple
without telling you.Copy !req
313. Then where are we?
What's going on?Copy !req
314. I know you didn't poke
yourself in the eye.Copy !req
315. It's not hard to figure
out what happened.Copy !req
316. You saw me and your mother
in the kitchen.Copy !req
317. I'm not flattered
that it made you go blind,Copy !req
318. but obviously it's something
psychological with you.Copy !req
319. That's why we're here.Copy !req
320. Welcome, brothers and sisters,Copy !req
321. and all you prayer partners
tuning in at home.Copy !req
322. Welcome to the Canvas Cathedral.Copy !req
323. Canvas Cathedral?
The big TV church on the highway?Copy !req
324. - You said it was your favorite.
- You brought me here?Copy !req
325. We're celebrating
a special birthday today.Copy !req
326. Does anyone know his name?Copy !req
327. He's almost 2000 years old,
but he's still going strong.Copy !req
328. I think we should give him
a round of applauseCopy !req
329. because he's working
on his birthday.Copy !req
330. I don't really believe
in this faith-healing stuff,Copy !req
331. but it's a really nice gesture.Copy !req
332. I don't get it.
I haven't been that nice to you.Copy !req
333. Enough. I do it because
I love your mom.Copy !req
334. She's very fond of you, too...Copy !req
335. and it's not such a bad thing,
I'm beginning to think.Copy !req
336. Hey, no fair.
I didn't see you coming.Copy !req
337. Okay, got your jollies by now?Copy !req
338. He's healing the crippled today,
on his birthday.Copy !req
339. He's healing the blind today,
on his birthday.Copy !req
340. I got a blind man, right here.Copy !req
341. Is this man your son?Copy !req
342. I'd like to think,
maybe one day.Copy !req
343. Yeah.Copy !req
344. I guess that would be
an all-right way to be thinking.Copy !req
345. Blindness, leave this man!Copy !req
346. - I can see!
- That-a-boy! I knew you could.Copy !req
347. Amazing grace!
He was blind, and now he sees.Copy !req
348. We'll be right back
after these messages.Copy !req
349. Hey, Hank, how's the weather?Copy !req
350. Oh, right, you're blind.Copy !req
351. Now me.Copy !req
352. Hey, Hank,
you're not wearing any pants.Copy !req
353. Man! Hank got that
dang ol' stick, man,Copy !req
354. even though walking like
he can see again, man.Copy !req
355. It's a little spooky, man.Copy !req
356. - Hank's got his sight! Run!
- Get outta here!Copy !req
357. You wanna taste something good?
Put the mashed potatoesCopy !req
358. with the cranberries together,
mush them around.Copy !req
359. This is the best Christmas ever.Copy !req
360. Very good.Copy !req
361. - I shouldn't eat so much.
- So moist, this turkey is.Copy !req
362. It's a special occasion.
You can have another piece.Copy !req
363. Look, I wonder who's
gonna eat that piece.Copy !req
364. You gonna eat that?Copy !req