King of the Hill 2x10

1. ? [rock 'n' roll music playing]

2. (bobby) yeah, that was good.

3. ! (connie) oh! Ah

4. ooh!

5. that's what I like about wrestlin'. There aren't any rules.

6. You can do anything to a guy:

7. jump on him, stick him with a pin,

8. the only limit is your imagination.

9. Don't they have any girl wrestlers in this game ?

10. no, but some of the older ones have some breasts.

11. Connie, that was your mom on the phone.

12. She wants to make sure you were doing your homework.

13. A-am I in trouble?

14. I don't think so.

15. I told her you were busy "wrestling" with some word problems.

16. oh, peggy.

17. Thanks, Mrs. Hill.

18. I guess I'd better start my math homework

19. oh! That's gotta hurt!

20. (bobby) thanks.

21. this is hill.

22. (coach) dust off your gym skirt, peggy.

23. We need a sub for girls' sports.

24. Location?

25. Tom landry middle school.

26. Duration?

27. Indefinite.

28. Did the previous instructor leave

29. a lesson plan, calendar, notes on a post-it?

30. Well, that's sort of a funny story, actually.

31. See, there is no previous girls' coach.

32. We sort of forgot to hire one.

33. hmm.

34. So, where are you stationed today, soldier?

35. Fort mathematics? Heh-heh.

36. No, today I'm teaching gym.

37. Whoo! Now, that's serious, peggy.

38. Gym is where a boy learns teamwork and the importance of winning.

39. Actually, I'm teaching girls' gym.

40. Oh! Oh!

41. Good luck to you. Do I have a clean shirt?

42. Why choose basketball?

43. t Well, for one thing, it's the only spor

44. where you get to bounce a ball.

45. You bounce a football— Well, that's a fumble, isn't it?

46. Baseball, no bouncing at all.

47. Bounce a ball in hockey, that's a mandatory drug test, right there

48. so, join the basketball team.

49. Thank you.

50. cool.

51. A little staged, but it's still pretty good.

52. Gentlemen, I'm not going to try to win you over

53. with a lot of fancy talk about bouncing.

54. I just want you to know one thing:

55. every kid who shows up to wrestle will earn a place on the team

56. and the right to wear this

57. wow, silver piping!

58. Good morning, class. I am Mrs. Peggy hill, or coach hill.

59. Now, we are offering you girls a special program

60. which combines the thrills of wrestling

61. with the skills of basketball,

62. in somethin' we call "general sports."

63. All right. Listen up.

64. Go on.

65. I want to start by showing you a basic move.

66. And I need a volunteer

67. you there. Just come at me.

68. that's called a center-step, single-leg attack.

69. ? Now, what are you going to do? Huh? Now what, big man

70. you gonna dump me? Huh ? You gonna pin me?

71. ! This'll teach you to pull a knife on me

72. hard to stop a guy when you're hoppin' around all day, huh, hoppy?

73. Huh? What?

74. All right, good job.

75. hmm.

76. I hear eddie tucker started patching his driveway.

77. yep.

78. Uh-huh

79. where'd he get his asphalt?

80. Johnson's.

81. dad, dad, guess what? I joined a team.

82. A sports team?

83. Uh-huh. Wrestlin'. It's the best sport ever, dad.

84. There's no running

85. way to go, boy!

86. Wrestling's a damn fine sport.

87. Hell, it's an olympic sport.

88. And this is offered through the school, right?

89. Not some guy in a van with a camcorder?

90. It's the real thing.

91. I'm in a very advanced weight class.

92. You hear that, guys?

93. Bobby made a school team today,

94. without me even being the coach.

95. Congratulations, hank.

96. (all) whoo!

97. What are you here for?

98. Well, dooley, a preteen girl is like a skinny little tree

99. about to enter the hurricane of adolescence.

100. And if we don't protect and nurture this little tree,

101. before you know it, she'll be bitter and pregnant.

102. For that reason, I'm asking the principal

103. for a new basketball for the girls.

104. I peed in some kid's locker.

105. Girls' sports are a joke.

106. Yeah, if I just jim-jangle my schedule a bit,

107. I think I can make it to all of bobby's practices.

108. What a great time in a boy's father's life!

109. Hank, what if bobby was a girl?

110. Well, that's just it, peggy.

111. I don't think we have to worry about that anymore.

112. Do you know what that principal said

113. when I asked for more basketballs for the girls?

114. He said that the money was earmarked

115. to put holograms on ticket s to the football games.

116. Holograms prevent ticket fraud, peggy.

117. There's a lot of sick people out there.

118. Well, it's just not fair.

119. It's like nothing has changed since I was a kid.

120. can you run as well as you can hit?

121. Yes, sir. I sure can.

122. Then run over to the store and get these boys some sody pop.

123. Thatta girl!

124. Yeah, boys love soda pop.

125. We got to remember to bring some to bobby's practice.

126. looking good, son.

127. You too, dad.

128. Uh, I wanted to give you this before practice.

129. You know, you might not be here if it weren't for this cup.

130. It's made from the finest american steel

131. ever to come out of pittsburgh, pa.

132. This used to be mine, and before that it was your grandfather's.

133. There's holes in it.

134. How am I supposed to drink out of this?

135. bobby, it's not for—

136. Gotcha!

137. rhythm, girls!

138. First you blow, then you throw!

139. hit 'em high, hit 'em low.

140. Landry, landry, go, go, go!

141. Good spirit, hill.

142. Can I have some gatorade now?

143. Sure, kid. You're sweating plenty.

144. Hey, connie. How's it going?

145. Not so good.

146. I just found out we're not getting uniforms.

147. You're better off.

148. We have home uniforms, away uniforms...

149. It's so confusing.

150. Uh-huh.

151. Did you learn the pile driver yet?

152. That's not really a wrestlin' move.

153. Real wrestling is about holds.

154. You got your head locks, your leg locks, your belly locks.

155. If you got it, we'll lock it.

156. Here, I'll show you.

157. Cool.

158. There's no way out

159. try.

160. ? you mean like that

161. no, you didn't use real wrestling.

162. If you use wrestling, it's impossible to get out.

163. But good try.

164. hill, doug here needs some extra room to scrimmage.

165. So, can you run a posture drill or somethin'?

166. Get the girls against the wall?

167. No, I'm afraid I cannot.

168. I am teaching general sports here, and I need a general area.

169. Oh, yeah.

170. General sports was somethin' doug here came up with.

171. Hey, it's like home economics, sort of a code word for "busy work."

172. But the one thing general sports was not meant to do,

173. and doug can back me up on this, is take up space.

174. Ok, then.

175. I'm expanding my needs.

176. General sports is now total sports.

177. And I need the whole gym and all the equipment,

178. and doug can back me up on that.

179. it's over, Mrs. Hill.

180. maybe sports wasn' t such a good idea.

181. Maybe I should do yearbook instead, or chess club.

182. Connie, don't you say that.

183. Yearbook is a shameful, squalid waste of time.

184. Now, you just tell me what sport you want to play,

185. and I will make sure you play it.

186. ? What if it's not a girls' sport

187. oh, pooh! There's no such thing as boys' or girls' sports. There's just sports.

188. Then I want to wrestle

189. well then, we will show those coaches

190. there's nothing a boy can do that a girl can't.

191. Go ahead. Punch it!

192. look at that! Pig in a blanket.

193. And my bobby is th e chef, not the weenie.

194. all right, ladies, hit the showers.

195. And no oklahoma car washes, neither.

196. Get your hair wet.

197. What are you doing here?

198. Shouldn't you be teaching the girls about their monthlies?

199. Uh, no, not today, coach.

200. Today, I'm teaching a lesson in fairness.

201. I have someone here who would like to join the wrestling team.

202. And her name is kahn souphanousinphone jr.

203. Does she speak the english language?

204. Well, of course she speaks english

205. well then, tell her wrestling's a boy's sport

206. and that's final.

207. Oh, ho, ho, ho. No, it's not.

208. Title 9 of the civil rights act clearly prohibits sex discrimination

209. in public schools and guarantees equal athletic opportunities

210. for all boys and girls.

211. Yeah, well, roe v. Wad e doesn't apply to my wrestling team.

212. Oh, I think you'll find it does apply.

213. Come on, connie.

214. Mrs. Hill, isn't roe v. Wade—

215. Yeah, I know, dear , but you have to pick your battles.

216. It was nice of you to come by, peggy hill.

217. And you can stay until you finish your zinfandel.

218. But wrestling is a boys' sport. Connie might get hurt.

219. Oh, boys are given the opportunity to get hurt all the time.

220. Connie deserves the same chance.

221. If connie gonna get a workout, should be up here.

222. Build mental toughness to get into good college.

223. Hire former wrestlers to pave her driveway.

224. Dad, maybe being on the wrestling team can help me get into harvard.

225. Remember how disappointed you were with my application essay?

226. You said my first draf t lacked life experience

227. she right. Connie play violin, sculpt with metal

228. and speak 3 languages. But what set her apart?

229. I thought being smart person in texas set her apart.

230. Maybe that not enough.

231. (peggy) i'm sure wrestling will have a wonderful effect on connie.

232. Ever since my bobby joined the team,

233. I've seen marked improvements in his social skills and in his balance.

234. Wait a minute. Bobby hill is your son?

235. Very good. You follow trail of clues

236. that start with same last name.

237. Where you find this guy? Scotland yard?

238. , Mr. Solinfonissinphone

239. i'm—i'm sure there's a simple solution to all this.

240. Perhaps you could persuade your lovely little gal to take gymnastics.

241. Asian girls usually excel at gymnastics.

242. I mean, with their tiny little feet,

243. balance beam seems as wide as a sidewalk.

244. Kahn jr., you want to take gymnastics?

245. Gymnastics blows.

246. You heard her. If my girl doesn't wrestle,

247. i'll show you who put the "sue" in souphanousinphone.

248. Cherry is strictly an after-wrestling gatorade.

249. But lemon-lime is good any time.

250. All right, tinkerbells, listen up We got a situation here.

251. t The girls' gym sub has got a bee in her bonne

252. about co-eding our team.

253. Long story short, we got a gal on deck.

254. (all) oh!

255. I know, I know. But there' s nothing we can do.

256. It all goes back to title 9, dick nixon's biggest mistake.

257. Now, I know I told you there's a place on this team

258. for all comers , but now

259. i'm not so sure everybody's going to make the team.

260. hey, bobby! Did you hear?

261. Your mom is gonna get me on the wrestling team.

262. Now we can han g out all afternoon

263. and my mom won't care 'cause it's practice.

264. Shh! I can't remember my combination when you're talking.

265. ok.

266. This could take a while.

267. oh.

268. ok.

269. Mom made the coach take connie on the wrestling team,

270. and now he's out to get me.

271. Oh, no! We were so close.

272. It's all well and good to talk about equal rights

273. until some man loses his job. How's that equal?

274. Yeah. And it's worse when they take away our favors

275. 'cause we're used to gettin' 'em.

276. Now, hold on, hank

277. i'm all for ladies wrestling,

278. except when they do it in puddin'.

279. That's just demeaning to the human beings who make puddin'.

280. Ever since they had that big women's conference in beijing,

281. co-ed sports has been the number-2 priority

282. on the international feminite agenda.

283. ? You want to know what the number-one priority is

284. please, not right now, dale.

285. Co-ed bathrooms.

286. it will be a cold day in hell

287. before we institute that in the gribble home.

288. Bobby was on the verge of getting a nickname.

289. I thought you were keeping busy

290. teaching girls how to blow up basketballs.

291. When did this turn into a desire to ruin wrestling?

292. Oh, gimme a break. I don't see why having a girl on the team would ruin it.

293. Did a woman judge ruin the supreme court, huh?

294. Yes. And that woman's name was earl warren.

295. take a seat, debutantes. I got an announcement.

296. Because of unprecedented interest in wrestling this year,

297. I decided to hold tryouts on friday.

298. Instead of a guarantee d spot on the team,

299. this year, it'll b e based on ability.

300. I know it isn't fair.

301. But, apparently, that's what some peopl e like to call "progress."

302. First match, kaiser versus gutierrez,

303. fino versus mcjimsy,

304. souphanousinphone versus hill.

305. you got her into this, peggy hill. You can't abandon connie now.

306. She need help. She need training.

307. Oh, I want to, minh. I feel responsible

308. t connie is picking up the softball ba

309. that was ripped ou t of my hands as a girl

310. by that little man from the little league

311. but then bobby, bobby's my only son. I—i don't know if I could choose.

312. Choose connie.

313. But bobby's my only—

314. That not my problem. Choose connie.

315. Oh, what do I do? What do I do?

316. Choose connie. Choose connie.

317. Ok. We try "outsid e ankle breakdown."

318. Luanne, try to stop me

319. connie, you got the 4-color pen? You take good note this time.

320. (hank) bill, for crying out loud!

321. I was listenin'.

322. Wrestling a girl. That's a tough one, bobby.

323. If you win, you get the shame of having beat up a girl.

324. If you lose, you just better hope she snaps your neck.

325. That's the quickest way.

326. Yeah, man. Dang ol' danged if you do, danged if you don't.

327. Dad, what am I gonna do?

328. I'm danged here. I'm royally danged.

329. Now, the key to wrestling is the ability to explode.

330. The way I figure it,

331. if you can explode your way out

332. of underneath the piece of wet carpet,

333. you can beat any 12-year-old in the county.

334. All right, here we go.

335. 1, 2, 3.

336. explode!

337. Explode, boy! Come on, bobby, light the fuse.

338. You're a keg of dynamite!

339. That's it, boy. You got him where you want him.

340. time to really explode!

341. keg of dynamite!

342. Hey, hill!

343. A bunch of us decided

344. that if you don't beat that girl tomorrow,

345. we don't know what we'll do.

346. So you'd better beat her.

347. Guys, there's no way I can lose.

348. I'm in the best shape of my life.

349. Hey, there she is.

350. Watch this

351. how are you doing, connie?

352. can we please just forget I ever said anything

353. about this stupid wrestling thing?

354. What? No!

355. I go out on a giant limb for you, kahn jr.

356. If you lose, you no longer my son.

357. "why don't you edit the yearbook, peggy?

358. you're so good with paste and scissors, peggy."

359. Oh, yeah!

360. "your arms are so strong,

361. why don't you stir punch at the prom?"

362. luanne!

363. Quarters!

364. i'm sorry, little jeffrey.

365. Mmm, that's bobby.

366. Oh, yeah.

367. I wanted to call him jeffrey,

368. but some man wouldn't let me.

369. You mean uncle hank?

370. huh?

371. remember, take old playmate down hard and fast.

372. Mom capture everything on video camera,

373. include in harvard application.

374. Dad, I'm not even in high school yet.

375. You never get there with that attitude.

376. You're next, hill. I just wish your mom was here to see you.

377. she wanted to be here, but she had to sleep in.

378. Son, I know everyone's been filling your head with crazy stuff

379. but I just want yo u to know this:

380. connie killed your frog.

381. atta boy, bobby!

382. Way to go, kahn jr.!

383. ooh!

384. what the hell is going on here?

385. That's not olympic-style wrestling!

386. Nope, that's real wrestling.

387. I want to go to a party school. Yeah! Chico state.

388. she zombified him.

389. Snap out of it, bobby.

390. oh, that's gotta hurt.

391. Think they've had enough?

392. Not yet.

393. my eyes!

394. connie, no mercy! Finish him!

395. why are you smiling?

396. Oh, did bobby crush that poor girl and her dreams?

397. Nope.

398. So, that little witch whipped my boy?

399. No, they figured a way out

400. listen to the cheers, peggy. I think they both won.

401. Oh, yeah!

402. ow!

403. Look at him explode! That's my boy!

404. That's our boy! That's our jeffrey!

405. (coach) ooh! That's gotta hurt!