1. Hey, my dad's invitation
to the party got returned.Copy !req
2. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, heck USA"?Copy !req
3. Bobby, why did you write this?Copy !req
4. You know your grandpa lives in Houston.Copy !req
5. Mom says he's the devil.Copy !req
6. Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?Copy !req
7. I said "Evil," Hank.Copy !req
8. How you get "Devil" from that
is beyond me.Copy !req
9. I don't want grandpa at my party.Copy !req
10. The kids will already hate me
'cause you got the wrong kind of bean dip.Copy !req
11. What's wrong with the bean dip?Copy !req
12. Wait a minute.
What's wrong with your grandpa?Copy !req
13. He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time,Copy !req
14. his legs don't work...Copy !req
15. Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.Copy !req
16. He lost his shins
defending Texas in World War II.Copy !req
17. Now, son, pick up that phoneCopy !req
18. and invite your granddad
to your birthday party.Copy !req
19. Okay.Copy !req
20. Hi, grandpa.Copy !req
21. Bobby, if you're going to fake dial,Copy !req
22. you got to hit more than three numbers.Copy !req
23. Whoo!Copy !req
24. This thing is a hoot!Copy !req
25. Whoa!Copy !req
26. Ahh... I got a splinter here.Copy !req
27. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?Copy !req
28. Huh? Huh?Copy !req
29. This party's boring.Copy !req
30. Everybody hates you.Copy !req
31. Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?Copy !req
32. Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.Copy !req
33. - He's driving in for the party.
- Oh, Lord. That crazy Cotton Hill?Copy !req
34. I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton.Copy !req
35. He married his 16-year-old nurse.Copy !req
36. Didi is 39, thank you very much.Copy !req
37. Although parts of her are much younger.Copy !req
38. Ooh, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
39. - Dad, I'm dying out there.Copy !req
40. I blew up a balloon
with my nose... nothing.Copy !req
41. I did this thing.Copy !req
42. What are you talking about?Copy !req
43. Nothing.Copy !req
44. Did you try burping the alphabet?Copy !req
45. That's my closer, dad.Copy !req
46. "What are you talking about?Copy !req
47. What are you talking about?"Copy !req
48. Tell you what, man.
Fat kid's always the funny one.Copy !req
49. John Candy, John Belushi.Copy !req
50. Knife and fork dug their graves.Copy !req
51. Who wants a burger?Copy !req
52. Well, I'll take that steak.Copy !req
53. The heck you say.Copy !req
54. Did you win World War II?Copy !req
55. This rib eye is for my daddy.Copy !req
56. Cotton's coming?Copy !req
57. Whoa, if I was you, Kahn,Copy !req
58. I'd amscray before he gets here.Copy !req
59. Yeah, if he finds out
you're from Japan, you know.Copy !req
60. How many times I tell you, stupid?Copy !req
61. I'm Laotian!Copy !req
62. U...Copy !req
63. V...Copy !req
64. Yah! Ya-hoo!Copy !req
65. Happy birthday, Bobby.Copy !req
66. Aw, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.Copy !req
67. You really outdid yourself this time.Copy !req
68. Well, you know me, I'm larger than life.Copy !req
69. Where are his legs?Copy !req
70. What are you looking at, moe?Copy !req
71. A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.Copy !req
72. So what?Copy !req
73. You like that horse, Bobby?Copy !req
74. I love it, grandpa.Copy !req
75. Well, you can love it for four more hours.Copy !req
76. It's a rental.Copy !req
77. All right, who wants the first ride?Copy !req
78. Me!Copy !req
79. Hey, Hank's wife.Copy !req
80. How long have you been here, Cotton?Copy !req
81. I didn't notice you sneak...Copy !req
82. Didi, come on out here
and gab with Hank's wife.Copy !req
83. Lookie here, Hank.Copy !req
84. What you think of your mama's new tatas?Copy !req
85. She is not my mother.Copy !req
86. Heck, we went to kindergarten together.Copy !req
87. Hey, Hank, do you still
like finger-painting?Copy !req
88. - Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.Copy !req
89. I'm having fun.Copy !req
90. Your wife divorced you.Copy !req
91. Mr. Kahn,Copy !req
92. I'll have a mai tai.Copy !req
93. What, what you think?Copy !req
94. I work for Hank?Copy !req
95. Uh, Dad, this here's my new neighbor.Copy !req
96. He's Japanese.Copy !req
97. No, he ain't.Copy !req
98. He's Laotian.Copy !req
99. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?Copy !req
100. All right, time to open my gift.Copy !req
101. Whoa.Copy !req
102. - A super squirter.Copy !req
103. - Oh-ho! Super squirter.Copy !req
104. Ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.Copy !req
105. It's a genuine winchester
20-gauge shotgun.Copy !req
106. You got a real gun.Copy !req
107. Nope, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.Copy !req
108. Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm, honey.Copy !req
109. Did you see that, Hank?Copy !req
110. Tell your woman to give him back his gun.Copy !req
111. His woman?Copy !req
112. Oh, Cotton, I am my own womanCopy !req
113. And don't you forget it.Copy !req
114. Oh, Peg, that's just cowboy talk, come on.Copy !req
115. Hey, let's go bust open that pinata.Copy !req
116. Kill it, boy! Bash it!Copy !req
117. - That's right, honey.Copy !req
118. Hank, the boy can barely reach it.Copy !req
119. Now, lower the pinata
so he has a chance at it. Come on.Copy !req
120. Oh! Crack it!Copy !req
121. - Nail it!Copy !req
122. Oo! Bash it!Copy !req
123. Bash it!Copy !req
124. - Kill it, boy!Copy !req
125. It must be made
of kryptonite or something.Copy !req
126. Aw, for crying out loud!Copy !req
127. - Good lord, Cotton.Copy !req
128. You gave him a loaded shotgun?Copy !req
129. Well, you don't give a toy
without batteries.Copy !req
130. - Come and get your tootsie rolls!Copy !req
131. - I am so sorry.Copy !req
132. Your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.Copy !req
133. He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.Copy !req
134. Bobby, come on over here, boy.Copy !req
135. Take off them pink gloves.Copy !req
136. That's women's work.Copy !req
137. Leave him alone.Copy !req
138. He's a good helper.Copy !req
139. Oh, whatever you say, hillary.Copy !req
140. Cotton, I'll do the dishes.Copy !req
141. I like to.Copy !req
142. Permission granted.Copy !req
143. Put an apron over your new bosom, too.Copy !req
144. Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.Copy !req
145. Both lefties.Copy !req
146. So Bobby, what you going
to do with your life?Copy !req
147. I'm going to be a prop comic.Copy !req
148. I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.Copy !req
149. - Well, now, that sounds promising.Copy !req
150. - Hank, Bobby and me have decided.Copy !req
151. He's going to stick
vegetables up his nose.Copy !req
152. He's not going to take over
the family gas station.Copy !req
153. Dad, I don't work at a gas station.Copy !req
154. I sell propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
155. Don't sass me, boy!Copy !req
156. You ain't too big for me
to give you a licking!Copy !req
157. Aw, Dad, you old skunk.Copy !req
158. - Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!Copy !req
159. All right, Cotton.
Now, you are breaking my good dishes.Copy !req
160. It's time for you to leave.Copy !req
161. Aw!Copy !req
162. Come on,
I will fix you a to-go plate.Copy !req
163. Don't worry about the horse.Copy !req
164. If it comes back,
we'll call the rental place.Copy !req
165. Darn. Won't start.Copy !req
166. I guess I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
167. Oh, no, no, no.Copy !req
168. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.Copy !req
169. Hm. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
170. I can't hear the solenoid plunger.Copy !req
171. You're going to need a new one.Copy !req
172. - Thanks a lot, girlie.Copy !req
173. - But the truth is, you're a girl.Copy !req
174. Hank, we'll have to waitCopy !req
175. till your gas station opens up
in the morning.Copy !req
176. I guess I'm staying over.Copy !req
177. I wish you could,
but we are all out of beds.Copy !req
178. I don't need a bed.Copy !req
179. I can sleep in a drawer
after what they did to me overseas.Copy !req
180. I can sleep on the couch, mom.Copy !req
181. That'll be just fine. I...Copy !req
182. Excuse me for just a second.Copy !req
183. I do not want that ill-mannered,
foul-mouthed old manCopy !req
184. to spend another moment in my house.Copy !req
185. Aw, you just don't understand him, Peg.Copy !req
186. See, he's a big flamboyant characterCopy !req
187. Like a peacock.Copy !req
188. That's why men love him.Copy !req
189. But women don't like his styleCopy !req
190. because you all are like the pea-henCopy !req
191. more subdued and drab.Copy !req
192. You just cannot see your father
for who he is.Copy !req
193. Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.Copy !req
194. So that means you're outvoted.Copy !req
195. Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.Copy !req
196. That means we're even.Copy !req
197. Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.Copy !req
198. Well, what does that have to do with...Copy !req
199. Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.Copy !req
200. Well, all righty.Copy !req
201. Didi, we're bunking here tonight.Copy !req
202. - Mr. Kahn... My bags!Copy !req
203. What do you say I drive you
to school today, Bobby?Copy !req
204. Hank, you fix my car yet?Copy !req
205. I just woke up.Copy !req
206. Just wo...Copy !req
207. It's 7:00 a.m.!Copy !req
208. If you were in the army,
you could have dug ten graves by now.Copy !req
209. - I hope you're all hungry.Copy !req
210. Good-looking breakfast, Peg.Copy !req
211. - Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.Copy !req
212. - I see steak...Copy !req
213. - Sausage!Copy !req
214. - Where's my sausage?Copy !req
215. - There's no sausage!Copy !req
216. Well, Cotton, you are welcome
to march yourself down to the safeway.Copy !req
217. - But I have to get ready for work.Copy !req
218. See, Bobby?Copy !req
219. Woman works, man loses his sausage.Copy !req
220. You know, Cotton,
I'd love to debate this with you.Copy !req
221. But I am just
a little too busy living hereCopy !req
222. in the latter half of the 20th century.Copy !req
223. Hey, Dad, if you want
to drive Bobby to school,Copy !req
224. - use my truck.Copy !req
225. I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.Copy !req
226. You're all skin and bones, girlie.Copy !req
227. - Put some corn pone on them hips.Copy !req
228. Mm. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.Copy !req
229. Don't want to get fat.Copy !req
230. That's not for you to worry about.Copy !req
231. You will never know if you are attractive.Copy !req
232. - It's up to a man to tell you that.Copy !req
233. You keep eating,Copy !req
234. - and I'll tell you when to stop.Copy !req
235. Touch me again, and you'll be
wearing that corn pone, old man.Copy !req
236. Hooey! Feisty.Copy !req
237. You sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?Copy !req
238. Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?Copy !req
239. - It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.Copy !req
240. Now, why don't you order us some food?Copy !req
241. - Really?Copy !req
242. Dad never lets me order.Copy !req
243. Yeah, well, you ain't
with your daddy today.Copy !req
244. Go to it.Copy !req
245. Excuse me, ma'am?Copy !req
246. Uh... Ma'am?Copy !req
247. Oh, good sweet!Copy !req
248. You'll never get no service that way.Copy !req
249. You got to get her in the money-maker.Copy !req
250. Hey, missy, how about some sandwiches?Copy !req
251. - Well, that's the dangest thing.Copy !req
252. I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.Copy !req
253. I don't know.Copy !req
254. Sometimes things just disappear
for no logical reason.Copy !req
255. One day my cousin woke up,Copy !req
256. his kidney was gone.Copy !req
257. At the same time, 500 miles away.Copy !req
258. A woman in phoenix contracted diabetes.Copy !req
259. I fixed it, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
260. Oh, she purrs just like a dang ol' kitten.Copy !req
261. Yep, my dad sure knows
how to take care of his cars.Copy !req
262. When I was a baby,
he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit.Copy !req
263. And I used to crawl around on the hood.Copy !req
264. And buff it till it shined like Christmas.Copy !req
265. Your dad, I swear.Copy !req
266. How about when he took us downCopy !req
267. to the Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
268. - Oh, yeah.
- Remember that, Hank?Copy !req
269. Hank, you won the big game.Copy !req
270. So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.Copy !req
271. Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.Copy !req
272. Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.Copy !req
273. Heh!Copy !req
274. Not every dad would do something
like that to his son.Copy !req
275. I mean, for his son.Copy !req
276. Well, how's it coming
with the car, grease monkey?Copy !req
277. That's real funny, Peg.Copy !req
278. Look what I found.Copy !req
279. Wait, that, that's a solenoid.
Where did you find that?Copy !req
280. In Cotton's room
wrapped in his little bitty pantsCopy !req
281. under a big pile of lies.Copy !req
282. Darn it, I killed a whole day
fixing that car.Copy !req
283. I don't understand.Copy !req
284. Oh, Hank, what is to understand?Copy !req
285. Your father disfigured his own automobileCopy !req
286. just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.Copy !req
287. Aw, Peggy, the poor guy
just want to spend time with us.Copy !req
288. And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.Copy !req
289. You're right. It's my fault.Copy !req
290. Why, oh, why, didn't I serve
that poor man his sausage?Copy !req
291. What's the point in arguing?Copy !req
292. The car is fixed now.
He'll be out of here tonight.Copy !req
293. Aunt Peg,Copy !req
294. I found this timing belt in the laundry.Copy !req
295. You want me to wash it with the darks?Copy !req
296. Good morning, angels.Copy !req
297. Do I have an assignment for you?Copy !req
298. Good morning, Charlie.Copy !req
299. Aw, darn!Copy !req
300. It's a shelly hack.Copy !req
301. That's like getting a shemp.Copy !req
302. What in the heck is going on here?Copy !req
303. Where are your pants?Copy !req
304. We were hot. Took them off.Copy !req
305. A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.Copy !req
306. Yeah, what you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?Copy !req
307. Let's go. Take them off.Copy !req
308. I don't want to take them off.Copy !req
309. Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.Copy !req
310. Okey-dokey, Cotton.Copy !req
311. Hank fixed your car.Copy !req
312. I guess you'll be wanting to head
back right about now.Copy !req
313. Peggy...Copy !req
314. - Well, um...Copy !req
315. Maybe we should think about
getting back, huh, honey?Copy !req
316. What did you say?Copy !req
317. Okay, uh, now,
what did you say, babycakes?Copy !req
318. We can leave.Copy !req
319. Hank fixed the car.Copy !req
320. Actually, Luanne fixed it.Copy !req
321. Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.Copy !req
322. A woman fixing a car.Copy !req
323. That's like a pig trying to read.Copy !req
324. A pig?Copy !req
325. Yeah.Copy !req
326. Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.Copy !req
327. Nah, I don't think so.Copy !req
328. We're going to stick around
a few more days.Copy !req
329. Supper time, colonel.Copy !req
330. You forgot my beer.Copy !req
331. - Go on, get me my beer, woman.Copy !req
332. Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.Copy !req
333. Bobby, you will not.Copy !req
334. We eat our dinner in the kitchen.Copy !req
335. Boy wants his dinner in here.Copy !req
336. Well, we eat in the kitchen.Copy !req
337. - Here.
- Kitchen.Copy !req
338. - Here.
- Kitchen.Copy !req
339. - Here!
- Hank, for God's sake,Copy !req
340. I need a little support here.Copy !req
341. Well, Peggy, uh...Copy !req
342. it might be nice for a change
to have dinner in front of, uh... the TV.Copy !req
343. Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner.Copy !req
344. I don't know where you got the idea,Copy !req
345. - you could slap your mother's behind.Copy !req
346. I'll tell you where he got
the idea, your father.Copy !req
347. And it's all your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.Copy !req
348. What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.Copy !req
349. Well, he certainly won't listen
to me now, will he?Copy !req
350. You're both men.Copy !req
351. You're both peacocks, remember?Copy !req
352. What are you, turning
into some kind of feminist?Copy !req
353. I am not a feminist, Hank.Copy !req
354. I am Peggy Hill,Copy !req
355. a citizen of the republic of Texas.Copy !req
356. I work hard, I sweat hard,
and I love hard.Copy !req
357. And I got to smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.Copy !req
358. So I comb my hair.Copy !req
359. I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.Copy !req
360. I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.Copy !req
361. Not because I have to, Hank.Copy !req
362. But because of a mutual unspoken agreementCopy !req
363. that I have never brought upCopy !req
364. because I am too much of a lady.Copy !req
365. 30 times a day?Copy !req
366. - Yeah, I kind of like it here.Copy !req
367. What kind of work can
a guy get in this town?Copy !req
368. - Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?Copy !req
369. Heck, no.Copy !req
370. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
371. Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.Copy !req
372. All right, Dad, I need to talk to youCopy !req
373. about some of the things
you've been telling Bobby.Copy !req
374. I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.Copy !req
375. For example, I told him
how I lost my shinsCopy !req
376. defending our country.Copy !req
377. You want to hear that story, fatty?Copy !req
378. Sir, yes, sir.Copy !req
379. Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...Copy !req
380. I was 14, just a little older than Bobby.Copy !req
381. But I knew uncle sam needed meCopy !req
382. - so I lied and signed up.Copy !req
383. - And we had beatthe nazis in Italy.Copy !req
384. And they shipped us
to the pacific theater.Copy !req
385. - A tojo torpedoCopy !req
386. - sent our troop ship to the bottom.Copy !req
387. I could only savethree of my buddies...Copy !req
388. - ... fatty, stinky, and Brooklyn.Copy !req
389. They were kind of like you fellas
only one was from Brooklyn.Copy !req
390. - Out of the suncame a tojo zeroCopy !req
391. - and put 50 bullets in my back.Copy !req
392. - The blood attracted sharks.Copy !req
393. I had to give them fatty.Copy !req
394. Oh! Then things took a turn for the worse.Copy !req
395. I made it to an island,Copy !req
396. but it was full of tojos.Copy !req
397. - they were spitting on the U.S. Flag.Copy !req
398. - So I rushed them.Copy !req
399. - But it was a trap.Copy !req
400. - They opened fireCopy !req
401. - and blew my shins off.Copy !req
402. - Last thing I remembered...Copy !req
403. I beat them all to death
with a big piece of fatty.Copy !req
404. I woke up in a field hospital,Copy !req
405. and they were sewing my feet to my knees.Copy !req
406. - Now, what was itCopy !req
407. you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?Copy !req
408. Oh... Uh, well...Copy !req
409. Nothing, I guess.Copy !req
410. Oh...Copy !req
411. You've had enough cake, Connie.Copy !req
412. What are you doing?Copy !req
413. A man's got to tell a woman
when to stop eating.Copy !req
414. You're looking kind of chunky.Copy !req
415. Hoo! She's moody.Copy !req
416. Must be P.B.S.Copy !req
417. Let's go.
I got to see a man about a horse.Copy !req
418. Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.Copy !req
419. Ah, that's woman's work.Copy !req
420. Ain't that right, fellas?Copy !req
421. Women's work.Copy !req
422. Women's work!Copy !req
423. Women's work!Copy !req
424. Women's work!Copy !req
425. Women's work!Copy !req
426. Well, she's got a point.Copy !req
427. But he's a war hero.Copy !req
428. She's my wife.Copy !req
429. But he's got no shins.Copy !req
430. Uh, I'm just trying
to get a little propane here.Copy !req
431. - Strickland propane.Copy !req
432. Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.Copy !req
433. What? I'm coming home right now.Copy !req
434. Well, you're just a little too lateCopy !req
435. because the devil took Bobby off
to the Hotel Arlen.Copy !req
436. Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
437. I tell you, we have to do it.Copy !req
438. Oh. You know, if I don't...Copy !req
439. Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.Copy !req
440. - So I'm buying you a hooker.Copy !req
441. Go ahead. Pick yourself out a live one.Copy !req
442. A live one what?Copy !req
443. - Hey, cutie, you got papers?Copy !req
444. Bobby, get over here now.Copy !req
445. But grandpa said I...Copy !req
446. Bobby, you heard your mother.Copy !req
447. - Get over there.Copy !req
448. What are you saying, Hank?Copy !req
449. Are you siding with your woman?Copy !req
450. Look at me, son.Copy !req
451. Look at my shins.Copy !req
452. Look, Dad, I'm sorry
about fatty and your shins,Copy !req
453. but I'm not a kid anymore.Copy !req
454. Bobby is my boy,
and I won't let him grow upCopy !req
455. - to be a woman-hating old fool.Copy !req
456. No wonder Mom left you.Copy !req
457. She was a strong lady,Copy !req
458. classy and smart like Peg.Copy !req
459. Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.Copy !req
460. My marriage is a partnership of equals.Copy !req
461. Peggy might do all the housework,Copy !req
462. but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.Copy !req
463. But I'm not going to say what they are
because I'm a gentleman.Copy !req
464. Oh, I get it.Copy !req
465. - She's making you say this.Copy !req
466. You're just her puppet.Copy !req
467. No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.Copy !req
468. Now, Didi's out in the car.Copy !req
469. I had her pack up.
It's time for you to head home.Copy !req
470. Well... I never thought I'd see the dayCopy !req
471. when my own son would stop loving me.Copy !req
472. It's about time!Copy !req
473. Love's for sissies!Copy !req
474. Ain't that right,
you house full of hookers?Copy !req
475. - Listen to that man.Copy !req
476. All right, hookers, listen up.Copy !req
477. I'll be back next year
so don't be jacking up your prices.Copy !req
478. - Oh.
- I'll be staying over to Hank Hill's home.Copy !req
479. Bobby, you got to try and forgetCopy !req
480. all that gobbledygook
your grandpa told you.Copy !req
481. - You listen to your mother.Copy !req
482. She knows best.Copy !req
483. But she's a woman.
How can she know better than grandpa?Copy !req
484. Well, because she's a lot
smarter than him, for one.Copy !req
485. Your mother's probably got
a better head on her shouldersCopy !req
486. than anybody in Arlen.Copy !req
487. Better than Bill or Dale or Boomhauer?Copy !req
488. Geez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?Copy !req
489. But I thought they were your best friends.Copy !req
490. Peggy's my best friend, son.Copy !req
491. Mom?Copy !req
492. That's right.Copy !req
493. And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enoughCopy !req
494. to find a girl to be
best friends with, too.Copy !req
495. You think that'll really happen to me?Copy !req
496. Well, it won't if you keep
slapping them in the buttCopy !req
497. and ordering them around.Copy !req
498. You'll do okay.Copy !req
499. You just have to remember one thing,Copy !req
500. women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.Copy !req
501. Now, what do you say we get an ice cream?Copy !req