1. Hey, my dad's invitation to the party
got returned.Copy !req
2. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?"Copy !req
3. Bobby, why did you write this? You
know your grandpa lives in Houston.Copy !req
4. Mom says he's the devil.Copy !req
5. Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?Copy !req
6. I said "evil," Hank.Copy !req
7. How you get "devil"
from that is beyond me.Copy !req
8. I don't want Grandpa at my party.Copy !req
9. The kids are already gonna hate me
because you got the wrong bean dip.Copy !req
10. What's wrong with the bean dip?Copy !req
11. Wait. What's wrong with your grandpa?Copy !req
12. He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time...Copy !req
13. his legs don't work.Copy !req
14. Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.Copy !req
15. He lost his shins defending Texas
in World War II.Copy !req
16. Now, son, pick up that phone and invite
your granddad to your birthday party.Copy !req
17. Okay.Copy !req
18. Hi, Grandpa.Copy !req
19. Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial...Copy !req
20. you gotta hit more than three numbers.Copy !req
21. This thing is a hoot.Copy !req
22. I got a splinter here.Copy !req
23. "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"Copy !req
24. Huh? Huh?Copy !req
25. This party's boring.Copy !req
26. Everybody hates you.Copy !req
27. Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?Copy !req
28. Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
He's driving in for the party.Copy !req
29. Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.Copy !req
30. I heard, after Hank's
mother left Cotton...Copy !req
31. he married his 16-year-old nurse.Copy !req
32. Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.Copy !req
33. Although parts of her
are much younger.Copy !req
34. Peggy Hill!Copy !req
35. Dad, I'm dying out there.Copy !req
36. I blew up a balloon with my nose.
Nothing.Copy !req
37. I did this thing.Copy !req
38. What are you talking about?Copy !req
39. Nothing.Copy !req
40. Did you try burping the alphabet?Copy !req
41. That's my closer, Dad.Copy !req
42. Man, "What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?"Copy !req
43. Fat kids are always the funny ones.Copy !req
44. Dang old John Candy, John Belushi,
night before they dug their graves.Copy !req
45. - Who wants a burger?
- Why, I'll take that steak.Copy !req
46. The hell you say?
Did you win World War II?Copy !req
47. - This rib eye is for my daddy.
- Cotton's coming?Copy !req
48. If I was you, Kahn,
I'd amscray before he gets here.Copy !req
49. Yeah, if he finds out you're
from Japan, you know...Copy !req
50. How many times I tell you, stupid?Copy !req
51. I'm Laotian!Copy !req
52. U.Copy !req
53. V.Copy !req
54. Happy birthday, Bobby!Copy !req
55. Dad, you crazy son of a gun.Copy !req
56. You really outdid yourself this time.Copy !req
57. Well, you know me. I'm
larger than life.Copy !req
58. Where are its legs?Copy !req
59. What are you looking at, Moe?Copy !req
60. A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.Copy !req
61. So what?Copy !req
62. - You like that horse, Bobby?
- I love it, Grandpa.Copy !req
63. Well, you can love it for four
more hours. It's a rental.Copy !req
64. All right. Who wants the first ride?Copy !req
65. Me!Copy !req
66. Hey, Hank's wife.Copy !req
67. How long have you been here, Cotton?
I didn't notice you...Copy !req
68. Dee Dee, come on out here,
and gab with Hank's wife.Copy !req
69. Look here, Hank.Copy !req
70. What you think of your mama's
new ta-tas?Copy !req
71. She is not my mother. Hell, we
went to kindergarten together.Copy !req
72. Hey, Hank...Copy !req
73. do you still like...Copy !req
74. finger-painting?Copy !req
75. Everyone thinks your
party's cool, Bobby.Copy !req
76. I'm having fun!Copy !req
77. Your wife divorced you.Copy !req
78. Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai.Copy !req
79. What you think? I work for Hank?Copy !req
80. Dad, this here's my new neighbor.Copy !req
81. He's Japanese.Copy !req
82. No, he ain't!Copy !req
83. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?Copy !req
84. All right. Time to open my gift.Copy !req
85. A Super Squirter!Copy !req
86. Super Squirter!Copy !req
87. It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn!Copy !req
88. It's a genuine Winchester
20-gauge shotgun!Copy !req
89. You got a real gun.Copy !req
90. No, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.Copy !req
91. Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm.Copy !req
92. Did you see that, Hank? Tell your
woman to give him back his gun!Copy !req
93. His woman?Copy !req
94. Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman.
And don't you forget it.Copy !req
95. Peg, that's just cowboy talk. Come on.Copy !req
96. Hey, let's go bust open that pinata!Copy !req
97. Kill it, boy.Copy !req
98. Bash it! Bash it!Copy !req
99. - That's it!
- Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
100. Hank, the boy can barely reach it. Lower
the pinata so he has a chance at it.Copy !req
101. Come on.Copy !req
102. Oh! Crack it! Nail it!Copy !req
103. Bash it! Bash it!Copy !req
104. Kill it, boy!Copy !req
105. It must be made of kryptonite
or something.Copy !req
106. For crying out loud!Copy !req
107. Good Lord, Cotton.
You gave him a loaded shotgun?Copy !req
108. You don't give a toy
without batteries.Copy !req
109. Come and get your Tootsie Rolls!Copy !req
110. Oh, I am so sorry your grandpa
ruined your birthday, son.Copy !req
111. He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.Copy !req
112. Bobby, come on over here, boy!Copy !req
113. Take off them pink gloves.
That's woman's work.Copy !req
114. Leave him alone.
He's a good helper.Copy !req
115. Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.Copy !req
116. Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.Copy !req
117. Permission granted!Copy !req
118. Put an apron over your new bosom, too.Copy !req
119. Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
Both lefties!Copy !req
120. So, Bobby, what you gonna do
with your life?Copy !req
121. I'm gonna be a prop comic.Copy !req
122. I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.Copy !req
123. Well, now that sounds promising.Copy !req
124. Hank, Bobby and me have decided he's
gonna stick vegetables up his nose.Copy !req
125. He's not gonna take over
the family gas station.Copy !req
126. Dad, I don't work at a gas station.Copy !req
127. I sell propane and
propane accessories.Copy !req
128. Don't sass me, boy.Copy !req
129. You ain't too big
for me to give you a licking.Copy !req
130. Dad, you old skunk.Copy !req
131. Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!Copy !req
132. All right, Cotton.
You're breaking my good dishes.Copy !req
133. It's time for you to leave!Copy !req
134. Come on.Copy !req
135. Come on!
I will fix you a to-go plate.Copy !req
136. - Bye.
- Don't worry about the horse.Copy !req
137. If it comes back, we'll
call the rental place.Copy !req
138. Damn, won't start.
I guess I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
139. No. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.Copy !req
140. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.Copy !req
141. You're gonna need a new one.Copy !req
142. Thanks a lot, girlie.
But the truth is, you're a girl.Copy !req
143. We'll have to wait till your gas
station opens up in the morning.Copy !req
144. I'm staying over.Copy !req
145. I wish you could.
But we are all out of beds.Copy !req
146. I don't need a bed.Copy !req
147. I can sleep in a drawer,
after what they did to me overseas.Copy !req
148. I can sleep on the couch, Mom.Copy !req
149. - That'll be just fine. L...
- Excuse me for just a second.Copy !req
150. I do not want that ill-mannered...Copy !req
151. foul-mouthed old man to spend
another moment in my house.Copy !req
152. You just don't understand him.Copy !req
153. See, he's a big, flamboyant character,
like a peacock.Copy !req
154. That's why men love him.Copy !req
155. But women don't like his style,
because you all are like the peahen.Copy !req
156. More subdued and drab.Copy !req
157. You just cannot see your father
for who he is.Copy !req
158. Well, Bobby and I both
want him to stay.Copy !req
159. That means you're outvoted.Copy !req
160. Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.Copy !req
161. Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.Copy !req
162. What does that have to do with...Copy !req
163. Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.Copy !req
164. Well, all righty!Copy !req
165. Dee Dee, we're bunking here tonight.Copy !req
166. Mr. Kahn! My bags!Copy !req
167. What do you say
I drive you to school today, Bobby?Copy !req
168. Hank, you fixed my car yet?Copy !req
169. I just woke up.Copy !req
170. Just... It's 7:00 a.m.Copy !req
171. If you were in the army,
you could've dug 10 graves by now!Copy !req
172. I hope you're all hungry.Copy !req
173. Good-looking breakfast, Peg.Copy !req
174. Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.Copy !req
175. I see steak.Copy !req
176. Sausage! Where's my sausage?
There's no sausage!Copy !req
177. Well, Cotton!Copy !req
178. You are welcome to march yourself
down to the Safeway.Copy !req
179. But I have to get ready for work.Copy !req
180. See, Bobby?
Woman works, man loses his sausage.Copy !req
181. Cotton, I'd love to
debate this with you...Copy !req
182. but I am just a little
too busy living here...Copy !req
183. in the latter half
of the 20th century.Copy !req
184. Dad, if you want to drive Bobby
to school, use my truck.Copy !req
185. I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.Copy !req
186. You're all skin and bones, girlie.Copy !req
187. Put some cornpone on them hips.Copy !req
188. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.Copy !req
189. - Don't want to get fat.
- That's not for you to worry about.Copy !req
190. You will never know if
you are attractive.Copy !req
191. It's up to a man to tell you that.Copy !req
192. You keep eating,
and I'll tell you when to stop.Copy !req
193. Touch me again, and you'll be wearing
that corn pone, old man.Copy !req
194. Feisty!Copy !req
195. You're sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?Copy !req
196. Oh, yeah. It's a holiday, isn't it?Copy !req
197. It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.Copy !req
198. Now, why don't you order us some food?Copy !req
199. Really? Dad never lets me order.Copy !req
200. Well, you ain't with your daddy today.Copy !req
201. Go to it.Copy !req
202. Excuse me, ma'am?Copy !req
203. Ma'am?Copy !req
204. Oh, good, sweet...Copy !req
205. You'll never get no service that way.Copy !req
206. You gotta get her in the moneymaker.Copy !req
207. Hey, Missy!Copy !req
208. How about some samiches?Copy !req
209. That's the dangdest thing.Copy !req
210. I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.Copy !req
211. I don't know.Copy !req
212. Sometimes, things just disappear
for no logical reason.Copy !req
213. One day, my cousin woke up,
his kidney was gone.Copy !req
214. At the same time, 500 miles away...Copy !req
215. a woman in Phoenix
contracted diabetes.Copy !req
216. I fixed it, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
217. She purrs just like a dang old kitten.Copy !req
218. My dad sure knows how to take care
of his cars.Copy !req
219. When I was a baby, he had my mama
make me a chamois jumpsuit...Copy !req
220. and I used to crawl around on the hood and
buff it till it shined like Christmas.Copy !req
221. Your dad, I swear!Copy !req
222. How about when he took us down
to the Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
223. Remember that, Hank?Copy !req
224. Hank, you won the big game.Copy !req
225. So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.Copy !req
226. Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.Copy !req
227. Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.Copy !req
228. Not every dad would do
something like that to his son.Copy !req
229. I mean, for his son.Copy !req
230. How's it coming with the car,
grease monkey?Copy !req
231. That's real funny, Peg.Copy !req
232. Look what I found.Copy !req
233. Wait! That's a solenoid.
Where'd you find that?Copy !req
234. In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little
bitty pants under a big pile of lies.Copy !req
235. Damn it!
I killed a whole day fixing that car.Copy !req
236. - I don't understand.
- What is to understand?Copy !req
237. Your father disfigured
his own automobile...Copy !req
238. just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.Copy !req
239. Peggy, the poor guy just wants
to spend time with us.Copy !req
240. And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.Copy !req
241. You're right. It's my fault.Copy !req
242. Why didn't I serve that poor man
his sausage?Copy !req
243. What's the point in arguing?
The car is fixed now.Copy !req
244. He'll be out of here tonight.Copy !req
245. Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt
in the laundry.Copy !req
246. You want me to wash it with the darks?Copy !req
247. Good morning, Angels.Copy !req
248. Do I have an assignment for you.Copy !req
249. Good morning, Charlie.Copy !req
250. Damn!Copy !req
251. It's a Shelley Hack!Copy !req
252. That's like getting a Shemp!Copy !req
253. What in the hell is going on here?Copy !req
254. Where are your pants?Copy !req
255. We were hot. Took them off.Copy !req
256. A man doesn't have to wear pants around
the house if he doesn't want to.Copy !req
257. What you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?Copy !req
258. Let's go. Take them off.Copy !req
259. I don't want to take them off.Copy !req
260. Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.Copy !req
261. Okey-dokey, Cotton,
Hank fixed your car.Copy !req
262. I guess you'll be wanting to head back
right now.Copy !req
263. Peggy.Copy !req
264. Well, maybe we should think
about getting back, honey.Copy !req
265. What did you say? What did you say?Copy !req
266. Okay, now, what did
you say, baby cakes?Copy !req
267. We can leave! Hank fixed the car!Copy !req
268. Actually, Luanne fixed it.Copy !req
269. Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.Copy !req
270. A woman fixing a car.Copy !req
271. That's like a pig trying to read.Copy !req
272. - Pig?
- Yeah.Copy !req
273. Well, I guess you can
go home now, Dad.Copy !req
274. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
275. We're gonna stick around
a few more days.Copy !req
276. Suppertime, Colonel.Copy !req
277. You forgot my beer.Copy !req
278. Go on. Get me my beer, woman.Copy !req
279. Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.Copy !req
280. Bobby, you will not.
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.Copy !req
281. Boy wants his dinner in here.Copy !req
282. Well, we eat in the kitchen.Copy !req
283. - Here!
- Kitchen!Copy !req
284. Hank, for God's sake,
I need a little support here.Copy !req
285. Well, Peggy...Copy !req
286. it might be nice, for a change,
to have dinner...Copy !req
287. in front of the TV.Copy !req
288. Go on, woman, get me my dinner.Copy !req
289. I don't know where you got the idea
you could slap your mother's behind.Copy !req
290. I'll tell you where he got the idea.
Your father.Copy !req
291. And it's your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.Copy !req
292. What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.Copy !req
293. He certainly won't
listen to me, now, will he?Copy !req
294. You're both men.
You're both peacocks. Remember?Copy !req
295. What, are you turning into
some kind of feminist?Copy !req
296. I am not a feminist, Hank.Copy !req
297. I am Peggy Hill,
a citizen of the Republic of Texas.Copy !req
298. I work hard, I sweat
hard, and I love hard.Copy !req
299. I gotta smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.Copy !req
300. So I comb my hair,
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.Copy !req
301. I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.Copy !req
302. Not because I have to, Hank...Copy !req
303. but because of a mutual,
unspoken agreement...Copy !req
304. that I have never brought up,
because I am too much of a lady.Copy !req
305. Thirty times a day?Copy !req
306. Yeah, I like it here.Copy !req
307. What kind of work can a guy
get in this town?Copy !req
308. - Are you allergic to asbestos?
- Hell, no.Copy !req
309. Hey, Dad.Copy !req
310. Hey, it if ain't the
old grease monkey.Copy !req
311. All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
about some of the things...Copy !req
312. you've been telling Bobby.Copy !req
313. I've been telling Bobby a lot
of things. For example...Copy !req
314. I told him how I lost my shins
defending our country.Copy !req
315. - You want to hear that story, fatty?
- Sir, yes, sir!Copy !req
316. Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...Copy !req
317. I was 14. Just a little
older than Bobby.Copy !req
318. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
So I lied and signed up.Copy !req
319. And we had beat them Nazis in Italy.Copy !req
320. Then they shipped us
to the Pacific Theater.Copy !req
321. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship
to the bottom.Copy !req
322. I could only save three of my buddies.Copy !req
323. Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.Copy !req
324. They were like you fellows,
only one of them was from Brooklyn.Copy !req
325. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero
and put 50 bullets in my back.Copy !req
326. The blood attracted sharks.Copy !req
327. I had to give them Fatty.Copy !req
328. Then things took a turn for the worse.Copy !req
329. I made it to an island.Copy !req
330. But it was full of Tojos!Copy !req
331. They were spitting on the US flag.Copy !req
332. So I rushed them. But it was a trap.Copy !req
333. They opened fire and
blew my shins off.Copy !req
334. Last thing I remember, I beat them all
to death with a big piece of Fatty.Copy !req
335. I woke up in a field hospital.Copy !req
336. And they were sewing my feet
to my knees.Copy !req
337. Now what was it you wanted to talk
to me about, Hank?Copy !req
338. Well...Copy !req
339. nothing, I guess.Copy !req
340. You've had enough cake, Kahny.Copy !req
341. What are you doing?Copy !req
342. A man's gotta tell a woman
when to stop eating.Copy !req
343. You're looking kind of chunky.Copy !req
344. She's moody. Must be PBS.Copy !req
345. Let's go, I gotta see
a man about a horse.Copy !req
346. Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.Copy !req
347. That's woman's work.
Ain't that right, fellas?Copy !req
348. Women's work!Copy !req
349. Women's work! Women's work!Copy !req
350. Women's work! Women's work!Copy !req
351. Well, she's got a point.Copy !req
352. But he's a war hero.Copy !req
353. She's my wife.Copy !req
354. But he's got no shins.Copy !req
355. Uh...Copy !req
356. I'm just trying to get
a little propane here.Copy !req
357. Strickland Propane.Copy !req
358. Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.Copy !req
359. What? I'm coming home right now.Copy !req
360. Well, you're just a little too late...Copy !req
361. because the devil took Bobby
off to the Hotel Arlen.Copy !req
362. Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
363. Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.Copy !req
364. So, I'm buying you a hooker.Copy !req
365. Go ahead, pick yourself
out a live one.Copy !req
366. A live one what?Copy !req
367. Hey, cutie, you got papers?Copy !req
368. Bobby, get over here now!Copy !req
369. But Grandpa said I could...Copy !req
370. Bobby, you heard your mother.
Get over there.Copy !req
371. What are you saying, Hank?Copy !req
372. Are you siding with your woman?Copy !req
373. Look at me, son. Look at my shins!Copy !req
374. Look, Dad, I'm sorry about Fatty
and your shins...Copy !req
375. but I'm not a kid anymore.Copy !req
376. Bobby is my boy.Copy !req
377. And I won't let him grow up
to be a woman-hating old fool.Copy !req
378. No wonder Mom left you.
She was a strong lady.Copy !req
379. Classy and smart, like Peg.Copy !req
380. Maybe you couldn't
handle that, but I can.Copy !req
381. My marriage is a
partnership of equals.Copy !req
382. Peggy might do all the housework...Copy !req
383. but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.Copy !req
384. But I'm not gonna say what they are,
because I'm a gentleman.Copy !req
385. Oh, I get it. She's
making you say this.Copy !req
386. You're just her puppet.Copy !req
387. No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.Copy !req
388. Dee Dee's out in the car.
I had her pack up.Copy !req
389. It's time for you to head home.Copy !req
390. Well.Copy !req
391. I never thought I'd see the day
when my own son would stop loving me.Copy !req
392. It's about time!Copy !req
393. Love's for sissies!Copy !req
394. Ain't that right, you
house full of hookers?Copy !req
395. Would you listen to that man?Copy !req
396. All right, hookers, listen up.
I'll be back next year...Copy !req
397. so don't be jacking up your prices.Copy !req
398. I'll be staying over
at Hank Hill's home.Copy !req
399. Bobby, you gotta try and forget
all that gobbledygook...Copy !req
400. your grandpa told you.Copy !req
401. You listen to your mother.
She knows best.Copy !req
402. But she's a woman. How could
she know better than Grandpa?Copy !req
403. Well, because she's a lot smarter
than him, for one.Copy !req
404. Your mother's probably got a better head
on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.Copy !req
405. Better than Bill? Or Dale?Copy !req
406. Or Boomhauer?Copy !req
407. Jeez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?Copy !req
408. But I thought they were
your best friends.Copy !req
409. Peggy's my best friend, son.Copy !req
410. - Mom?
- That's right.Copy !req
411. And when you're older, I hope you're
lucky enough to find a girl...Copy !req
412. to be best friends with, too.Copy !req
413. You think that'll really happen to me?Copy !req
414. It won't if you keep slapping them
in the butt and ordering them around.Copy !req
415. You'll do okay.
You just have to remember one thing.Copy !req
416. Women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.Copy !req
417. Now what do you say
we get an ice cream?Copy !req