1. Hey, my dad's invitation
to the party got returned.
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2. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, heck USA"?
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3. Bobby, why did you write this?
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4. You know your grandpa lives in Houston.
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5. Mom says he's the devil.
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6. Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?
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7. I said "Evil," Hank.
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8. How you get "Devil" from that
is beyond me.
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9. I don't want grandpa at my party.
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10. The kids will already hate me
'cause you got the wrong kind of bean dip.
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11. What's wrong with the bean dip?
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12. Wait a minute.
What's wrong with your grandpa?
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13. He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time,
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14. his legs don't work…
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15. Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.
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16. He lost his shins
defending Texas in World War II.
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17. Now, son, pick up that phone
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18. and invite your grandad
to your birthday party.
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19. Okay.
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20. Hi, grandpa.
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21. Bobby, if you're going to fake dial,
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22. you got to hit more than three numbers.
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23. Whoo!
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24. This thing is a hoot!
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25. Whoa!
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26. Ahh… I got a splinter here.
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27. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
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28. Huh? Huh?
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29. This party's boring.
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30. Everybody hates you.
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31. Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?
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32. Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
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33. - He's driving in for the party.
- Oh, Lord. That crazy Cotton Hill?
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34. I heard after Hank's mother left Cotton.
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35. He married his 16-year-old nurse.
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36. Didi is 39, thank you very much.
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37. Although parts of her are much younger.
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38. Ooh, Peggy Hill.
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39. Dad, I'm dying out there.
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40. I blew up a balloon
with my nose… nothing.
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41. I did this thing.
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42. What are you talking about?
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43. What are you talking about?
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44. Nothing.
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45. Did you try burping the alphabet?
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46. That's my closer, dad.
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47. "What are you talking about?
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48. What are you talking about?"
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49. Tell you what, man.
Fat kid's always the funny one.
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50. John Candy, John Belushi.
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51. Knife and fork dug their graves.
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52. Who wants a burger?
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53. Well, I'll take that steak.
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54. The heck you say.
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55. Did you win World War II?
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56. This rib eye is for my daddy.
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57. Cotton's coming?
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58. Whoa, if I was you, Kahn,
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59. I'd amscray before he gets here.
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60. Yeah, if he finds out
you're from Japan, you know.
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61. How many times I tell you, stupid?
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62. I'm Laotian!
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63. U…
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64. V…
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65. Yah! Ya-hoo!
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66. Happy birthday, Bobby.
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67. Aw, Dad, you crazy son of a gun.
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68. You really outdid yourself this time.
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69. Well, you know me, I'm larger than life.
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70. Where are his legs?
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71. What are you looking at, moe?
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72. A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.
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73. So what?
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74. You like that horse, Bobby?
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75. I love it, grandpa.
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76. Well, you can love it for four more hours.
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77. It's a rental.
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78. All right, who wants the first ride?
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79. Me!
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80. Hey, Hank's wife.
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81. How long have you been here, Cotton?
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82. I didn't notice you sneak…
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83. Didi, come on out here
and gab with Hank's wife.
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84. Lookie here, Hank.
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85. What you think of your mama's new tatas?
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86. She is not my mother.
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87. Heck, we went to kindergarten together.
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88. Hey, Hank, do you still
like finger-painting?
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89. Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.
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90. I'm having fun.
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91. Your wife divorced you.
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92. Mr. Kahn,
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93. I'll have a mai tai.
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94. What, what you think?
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95. I work for Hank?
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96. Uh, Dad, this here's my new neighbor.
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97. He's Japanese.
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98. No, he ain't.
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99. He's Laotian.
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100. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?
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101. All right, time to open my gift.
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102. Whoa.
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103. A super squirter.
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104. Oh-ho! Super squirter.
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105. Ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn.
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106. It's a genuine winchester
20-gauge shotgun.
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107. You got a real gun.
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108. Nope, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.
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109. Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm, honey.
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110. Did you see that, Hank?
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111. Tell your woman to give him back his gun.
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112. His woman?
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113. Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman.
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114. And don't you forget it.
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115. Oh, Peg, that's just cowboy talk, come on.
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116. Hey, let's go bust open that pinata.
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117. Kill it, boy! Bash it!
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118. That's right, honey.
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119. Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
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120. Now, lower the pinata
so he has a chance at it. Come on.
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121. Oh! Crack it!
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122. Nail it!
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123. Oo! Bash it!
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124. Bash it!
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125. Kill it, boy!
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126. It must be made
of kryptonite or something.
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127. Aw, for crying out loud!
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128. Good lord, Cotton.
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129. You gave him a loaded shotgun?
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130. Well, you don't give a toy
without batteries.
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131. Come and get your tootsie rolls!
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132. I am so sorry.
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133. Your grandpa ruined your birthday, son.
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134. He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.
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135. Bobby, come on over here, boy.
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136. Take off them pink gloves.
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137. That's women's work.
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138. Leave him alone.
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139. He's a good helper.
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140. Oh, whatever you say, hillary.
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141. Cotton, I'll do the dishes.
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142. I like to.
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143. Permission granted.
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144. Put an apron over your new bosom, too.
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145. Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
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146. Both lefties.
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147. So Bobby, what you going
to do with your life?
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148. I'm going to be a prop comic.
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149. I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.
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150. Well, now, that sounds promising.
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151. Hank, Bobby and me have decided.
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152. He's going to stick
vegetables up his nose.
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153. He's not going to take over
the family gas station.
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154. Dad, I don't work at a gas station.
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155. I sell propane and propane accessories.
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156. Don't sass me, boy!
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157. You ain't too big for me
to give you a licking!
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158. Aw, Dad, you old skunk.
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159. Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!
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160. All right, Cotton.
Now, you are breaking my good dishes.
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161. It's time for you to leave.
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162. Aw!
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163. Come on,
I will fix you a to-go plate.
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164. Don't worry about the horse.
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165. If it comes back,
we'll call the rental place.
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166. Darn. Won't start.
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167. I guess I'm not going anywhere.
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168. Oh, no, no, no.
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169. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.
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170. Hm. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
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171. I can't hear the solenoid plunger.
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172. You're going to need a new one.
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173. Thanks a lot, girlie.
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174. But the truth is, you're a girl.
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175. Hank, we'll have to wait
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176. till your gas station opens up
in the morning.
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177. I guess I'm staying over.
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178. I wish you could,
but we are all out of beds.
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179. I don't need a bed.
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180. I can sleep in a drawer
after what they did to me overseas.
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181. I can sleep on the couch, mom.
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182. That'll be just fine. I…
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183. Excuse me for just a second.
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184. I do not want that ill-mannered,
foul-mouthed old man
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185. to spend another moment in my house.
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186. Aw, you just don't understand him, Peg.
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187. See, he's a big flamboyant character.
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188. Like a peacock.
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189. That's why men love him.
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190. But women don't like his style
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191. because you all are like the pea-hen
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192. more subdued and drab.
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193. You just cannot see your father
for who he is.
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194. Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.
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195. So that means you're outvoted.
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196. Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
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197. That means we're even.
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198. Well, Jesus loves him, so I win.
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199. Well, what does that have to do with…
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200. Hey, Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.
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201. Well, all righty.
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202. Didi, we're bunking here tonight.
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203. Mr. Kahn… My bags!
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204. What do you say I drive you
to school today, Bobby?
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205. Hank, you fix my car yet?
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206. I just woke up.
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207. Just wo…
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208. It's 7:00 a.m.!
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209. If you were in the army,
you could have dug ten graves by now.
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210. I hope you're all hungry.
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211. Good-looking breakfast, Peg.
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212. Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.
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213. I see steak…
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214. Sausage!
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215. Where's my sausage?
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216. There's no sausage!
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217. Well, Cotton, you are welcome
to march yourself down to the safeway.
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218. But I have to get ready for work.
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219. See, Bobby?
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220. Woman works, man loses his sausage.
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221. You know, Cotton,
I'd love to debate this with you.
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222. But I am just
a little too busy living here
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223. in the latter half of the 20th century.
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224. Hey, Dad, if you want
to drive Bobby to school,
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225. use my truck.
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226. I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.
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227. You're all skin and bones, girlie.
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228. Put some corn pone on them hips.
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229. Mm. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.
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230. Don't want to get fat.
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231. That's not for you to worry about.
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232. You will never know if you are attractive.
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233. It's up to a man to tell you that.
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234. You keep eating,
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235. and I'll tell you when to stop.
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236. Touch me again, and you'll be
wearing that corn pone, old man.
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237. Hooey! Feisty.
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238. You sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?
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239. Oh, yeah, it's a holiday, isn't it?
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240. It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.
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241. Now, why don't you order us some food?
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242. Really?
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243. Dad never lets me order.
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244. Yeah, well, you ain't
with your daddy today.
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245. Go to it.
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246. Excuse me, ma'am?
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247. Uh… Ma'am?
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248. Oh, good sweet!
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249. You'll never get no service that way.
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250. You got to get her in the money-maker.
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251. Hey, missy, how about some sandwiches?
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252. Well, that's the dangest thing.
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253. I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.
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254. I don't know.
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255. Sometimes things just disappear
for no logical reason.
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256. One day my cousin woke up,
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257. his kidney was gone.
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258. At the same time, 500 miles away.
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259. A woman in phoenix contracted diabetes.
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260. I fixed it, Uncle Hank.
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261. Oh, she purrs just like a dang ol' kitten.
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262. Yep, my dad sure knows
how to take care of his cars.
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263. When I was a baby,
he had my mama make me a chamois jumpsuit.
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264. And I used to crawl around on the hood.
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265. And buff it till it shined like Christmas.
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266. Your dad, I swear.
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267. How about when he took us down
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268. to the Hotel Arlen?
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269. - Oh, yeah.
- Remember that, Hank?
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270. Hank, you won the big game.
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271. So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.
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272. Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.
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273. Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.
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274. Heh!
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275. Not every dad would do something
like that to his son.
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276. I mean, for his son.
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277. Well, how's it coming
with the car, grease monkey?
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278. That's real funny, Peg.
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279. Look what I found.
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280. Wait, that, that's a solenoid.
Where did you find that?
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281. In Cotton's room
wrapped in his little bitty pants
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282. under a big pile of lies.
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283. Darn it, I killed a whole day
fixing that car.
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284. I don't understand.
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285. Oh, Hank, what is to understand?
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286. Your father disfigured his own automobile
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287. just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.
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288. Aw, Peggy, the poor guy
just want to spend time with us.
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289. And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.
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290. You're right. It's my fault.
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291. Why, oh, why, didn't I serve
that poor man his sausage?
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292. What's the point in arguing?
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293. The car is fixed now.
He'll be out of here tonight.
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294. Aunt Peg,
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295. I found this timing belt in the laundry.
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296. You want me to wash it with the darks?
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297. Good morning, angels.
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298. Do I have an assignment for you?
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299. Good morning, Charlie.
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300. Aw, darn!
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301. It's a shelly hack.
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302. That's like getting a shemp.
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303. What in the heck is going on here?
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304. Where are your pants?
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305. We were hot. Took them off.
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306. A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.
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307. Yeah, what you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?
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308. Let's go. Take them off.
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309. I don't want to take them off.
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310. Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.
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311. Okey-dokey, Cotton.
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312. Hank fixed your car.
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313. I guess you'll be wanting to head
back right about now.
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314. Peggy…
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315. Well, um…
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316. Maybe we should think about
getting back, huh, honey?
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317. What did you say?
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318. What did you say?
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319. Okay, uh, now,
what did you say, babycakes?
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320. We can leave.
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321. Hank fixed the car.
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322. Actually, Luanne fixed it.
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323. Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.
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324. A woman fixing a car.
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325. That's like a pig trying to read.
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326. A pig?
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327. Yeah.
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328. Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.
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329. Nah, I don't think so.
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330. We're going to stick around
a few more days.
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331. Supper time, colonel.
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332. You forgot my beer.
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333. Go on, get me my beer, woman.
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334. Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.
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335. Bobby, you will not.
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336. We eat our dinner in the kitchen.
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337. Boy wants his dinner in here.
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338. Well, we eat in the kitchen.
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339. - Here.
- Kitchen.
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340. - Here.
- Kitchen.
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341. - Here!
- Hank, for God's sake,
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342. I need a little support here.
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343. Well, Peggy, uh
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344. it might be nice for a change
to have dinner in front of, uh… the TV.
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345. Well, go on, woman, get me my dinner.
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346. I don't know where you got the idea,
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347. you could slap your mother's behind.
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348. I'll tell you where he got
the idea, your father.
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349. And it's all your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.
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350. What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.
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351. Well, he certainly won't listen
to me now, will he?
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352. You're both men.
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353. You're both peacocks, remember?
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354. What are you, turning
into some kind of feminist?
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355. I am not a feminist, Hank.
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356. I am Peggy Hill,
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357. a citizen of the republic of Texas.
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358. I work hard, I sweat hard,
and I love hard.
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359. And I got to smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.
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360. So I comb my hair.
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361. I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.
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362. I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.
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363. Not because I have to, Hank.
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364. But because of a mutual unspoken agreement
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365. that I have never brought up
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366. because I am too much of a lady.
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367. 30 times a day?
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368. Yeah, I kind of like it here.
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369. What kind of work can
a guy get in this town?
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370. Uh, are you allergic to asbestos?
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371. Heck, no.
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372. Hey, Dad.
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373. Hey, if it ain't the old grease monkey.
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374. All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
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375. about some of the things
you've been telling Bobby.
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376. I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
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377. For example, I told him
how I lost my shins
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378. defending our country.
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379. You want to hear that story, fatty?
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380. Sir, yes, sir.
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381. Bill, I'm trying to talk to my…
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382. I was 14, just a little older than Bobby.
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383. But I knew uncle sam needed me
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384. so I lied and signed up.
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385. And we had beatthe nazis in Italy.
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386. And they shipped us
to the pacific theater.
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387. A tojo torpedo
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388. sent our troop ship to the bottom.
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389. I could only savethree of my buddies
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390. fatty, stinky, and Brooklyn.
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391. They were kind of like you fellas
only one was from Brooklyn.
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392. Out of the suncame a tojo zero
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393. and put 50 bullets in my back.
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394. The blood attracted sharks.
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395. I had to give them fatty.
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396. Oh! Then things took a turn for the worse.
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397. I made it to an island,
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398. but it was full of tojos.
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399. They were spitting on the U.S. Flag.
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400. So I rushed them.
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401. But it was a trap.
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402. They opened fire
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403. and blew my shins off.
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404. Last thing I remembered
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405. I beat them all to death
with a big piece of fatty.
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406. I woke up in a field hospital,
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407. and they were sewing my feet to my knees.
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408. Now, what was it
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409. you wanted to talk to me about, Hank?
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410. Oh… Uh, well…
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411. Nothing, I guess.
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412. Oh…
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413. You've had enough cake, Connie.
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414. What are you doing?
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415. A man's got to tell a woman
when to stop eating.
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416. You're looking kind of chunky.
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417. Hoo! She's moody.
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418. Must be P.B.S.
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419. Let's go.
I got to see a man about a horse.
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420. Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.
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421. Ah, that's woman's work.
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422. Ain't that right, fellas?
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423. Women's work.
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424. Women's work!
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425. Women's work!
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426. Women's work!
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427. Women's work!
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428. Women's work!
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429. Women's work!
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430. Women's work!
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431. Well, she's got a point.
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432. But he's a war hero.
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433. She's my wife.
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434. But he's got no shins.
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435. Uh, I'm just trying
to get a little propane here.
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436. Strickland propane.
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437. Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.
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438. What? I'm coming home right now.
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439. Well, you're just a little too late
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440. because the devil took Bobby off
to the Hotel Arlen.
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441. Hotel Arlen?
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442. I tell you, we have to do it.
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443. Oh. You know, if I don't…
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444. Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.
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445. So I'm buying you a hooker.
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446. Go ahead. Pick yourself out a live one.
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447. A live one what?
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448. Hey, cutie, you got papers?
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449. Bobby, get over here now.
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450. But grandpa said I…
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451. Bobby, you heard your mother.
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452. Get over there.
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453. What are you saying, Hank?
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454. Are you siding with your woman?
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455. Look at me, son.
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456. Look at my shins.
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457. Look, Dad, I'm sorry
about fatty and your shins,
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458. but I'm not a kid anymore.
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459. Bobby is my boy,
and I won't let him grow up
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460. to be a woman-hating old fool.
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461. No wonder Mom left you.
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462. She was a strong lady,
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463. classy and smart like Peg.
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464. Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.
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465. My marriage is a partnership of equals.
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466. Peggy might do all the housework,
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467. but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.
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468. But I'm not going to say what they are
because I'm a gentleman.
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469. Oh, I get it.
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470. She's making you say this.
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471. You're just her puppet.
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472. No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.
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473. Now, Didi's out in the car.
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474. I had her pack up.
It's time for you to head home.
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475. Well… I never thought I'd see the day
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476. when my own son would stop loving me.
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477. It's about time!
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478. Love's for sissies!
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479. Ain't that right,
you house full of hookers?
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480. Listen to that man.
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481. All right, hookers, listen up.
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482. I'll be back next year
so don't be jacking up your prices.
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483. - Oh.
- I'll be staying over to Hank Hill's home.
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484. Bobby, you got to try and forget
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485. all that gobbledygook
your grandpa told you.
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486. You listen to your mother.
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487. She knows best.
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488. But she's a woman.
How can she know better than grandpa?
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489. Well, because she's a lot
smarter than him, for one.
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490. Your mother's probably got
a better head on her shoulders
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491. than anybody in Arlen.
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492. Better than Bill or Dale or Boomhauer?
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493. Geez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?
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494. But I thought they were your best friends.
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495. Peggy's my best friend, son.
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496. Mom?
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497. That's right.
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498. And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enough
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499. to find a girl to be
best friends with, too.
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500. You think that'll really happen to me?
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501. Well, it won't if you keep
slapping them in the butt
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502. and ordering them around.
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503. You'll do okay.
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504. You just have to remember one thing,
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505. women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.
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506. Now, what do you say we get an ice cream?
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