1. How was beauty school, Luanne?Copy !req
2. How did the big shampooing final go?Copy !req
3. Well, I passed Lather,
but I failed Rinse.Copy !req
4. And then I failed Repeat, too,
because it includes Rinse...Copy !req
5. which I don't think is very fair.Copy !req
6. Damn.Copy !req
7. Hank, you forgot to flush.Copy !req
8. Didn't have to. Didn't do anything.Copy !req
9. Oh.Copy !req
10. I see.Copy !req
11. How long has this been going on?Copy !req
12. There's nothing going on, Peg.Copy !req
13. - That's the problem.
- How long have you had this problem?Copy !req
14. There is no problem! Please!Copy !req
15. This is not something
we need to talk about.Copy !req
16. If you do have a problem, I could...Copy !req
17. Peggy, please! For God's sakes!Copy !req
18. I'm getting a bite.Copy !req
19. Is there any chicken-fried steak left?Copy !req
20. - Here.
- What's this?Copy !req
21. It's Megamucil.
I take 10 heaping teaspoons...Copy !req
22. and a glass of water
daily to stay regular...Copy !req
23. I don't want to know that!Copy !req
24. Come on, honey.
Look, it is gentle and all-natural.Copy !req
25. No! Stop! Please!Copy !req
26. This is my own private,
personal, private business.Copy !req
27. At least drink the water.
If you drink enough water...Copy !req
28. it'll flush out your system
and keep it clean.Copy !req
29. I'm telling you, it's good for you.Copy !req
30. Hey, eggs and sausage.Copy !req
31. That looks good.
Peggy, where's my breakfast?Copy !req
32. - What are these?
- I baked muffins.Copy !req
33. So? Good for you. Where's my sausage?Copy !req
34. Well, we're out of sausage.Copy !req
35. Hey, try a muffin. They are oat bran.Copy !req
36. Sure.Copy !req
37. You should eat those, Dad.
They help you make.Copy !req
38. Excuse me?Copy !req
39. What are you implying?Copy !req
40. I thought you were consti...Copy !req
41. Where would you get such an idea?
That's ridiculous!Copy !req
42. Anyway, that's not something you
should ever know about your father.Copy !req
43. It's pretty obvious.Copy !req
44. You were in the bathroom
for an hour last night.Copy !req
45. No, I wasn't!Copy !req
46. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
47. Give me that.Copy !req
48. What is it, Ladybird?Copy !req
49. You want to go out? Again?Copy !req
50. Show off.Copy !req
51. Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.Copy !req
52. He hasn't "done his
business" in four days.Copy !req
53. Good Lord! Poor Hank.Copy !req
54. He looks so healthy.Copy !req
55. But then, you know,
so did Elvis Presley.Copy !req
56. Nancy, you don't think
it's something serious?Copy !req
57. Well, I'm a meteorologist,
not a doctor.Copy !req
58. But if I had to make
an educated guess...Copy !req
59. I'd say he's got polio.Copy !req
60. All right, I'm not a meteorologist.
I'm a weather girl.Copy !req
61. So, Hank, what's this I hear
about you being backed up?Copy !req
62. Nothing! What?Copy !req
63. Who are you thinking about talking to?
It's not me. I'm fine!Copy !req
64. Well, that's not what I heard.Copy !req
65. - Heard from who?
- Dale.Copy !req
66. - How does Dale know?
- Nancy.Copy !req
67. Nancy knows, too?Copy !req
68. That Peggy.Copy !req
69. Why not just take the door off the
bathroom and put it out on the lawn?Copy !req
70. Hank, it happens to everyone
now and then.Copy !req
71. There's no reason to be embarrassed.Copy !req
72. Maybe I'm not the one
who should be embarrassed.Copy !req
73. Did you ever think of that?Copy !req
74. Maybe you're going a little too much.Copy !req
75. Once every four or five days
gives me more free time.Copy !req
76. You want to spend all your time
on the toilet, be my guest.Copy !req
77. Have you tried squatting?Copy !req
78. It takes pressure off the lower body.Copy !req
79. You know, Hank,
I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.Copy !req
80. Would you please stop
talking about this?Copy !req
81. I've been thinking about y'all...Copy !req
82. and your dang old bottom,
what's gonna get moving again.Copy !req
83. Y'all ought to jog,
swim, or water something.Copy !req
84. They'll be having
you pooping just like before.Copy !req
85. I know it'll work.Copy !req
86. It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.Copy !req
87. - I don't know you, do I?
- No, you don't.Copy !req
88. Would you all please leave me be?Copy !req
89. This is no one's business but my own.Copy !req
90. Okay, but I got one that's
guaranteed to work for you, Hank.Copy !req
91. You take a spoonful of bacon grease...Copy !req
92. I'm not eating bacon grease.Copy !req
93. You didn't let me finish.Copy !req
94. Simple chronic constipation can be
a symptom of a more serious condition.Copy !req
95. I should know.Copy !req
96. I'm former Surgeon General
C. Everett Koop.Copy !req
97. Why did you have to go tell Nancy
about my bathroom shortcomings?Copy !req
98. Food that is not absorbed
becomes waste...Copy !req
99. and enters the pouch-like cecum.Copy !req
100. Who the hell is that? Howard Stern?Copy !req
101. The temperature is a
pleasant 70 degrees.Copy !req
102. And on a more personal note,
I want to wish my friend, Hank Hill...Copy !req
103. a quick recovery for his
embarrassing constipation.Copy !req
104. Peggy, why'd you do this to me?
Now everybody knows.Copy !req
105. Hank, I was worried.Copy !req
106. So? Worry to yourself.Copy !req
107. I'm tired of worrying to myself.
It's better to talk things out.Copy !req
108. Not these things. Not toilet things.Copy !req
109. All right, Hank, all right.
If it makes you this upset...Copy !req
110. I will just sit here silently,
alone with my worries.Copy !req
111. Finally!Copy !req
112. I'll have some skirt
steak, some brisket...Copy !req
113. a little piece of that New York steak,
couple of them steak fingers, and a burger.Copy !req
114. Hank, please, have just one veggie.Copy !req
115. All right.Copy !req
116. Put some macaroni and cheese
on there, too.Copy !req
117. Chocolate sauce! Can I have some?Copy !req
118. No, Bobby, this isn't
ordinary chocolate.Copy !req
119. It is a laxative for your father.Copy !req
120. Where'd you find this
chocolate sauce, Peg?Copy !req
121. It sure is good. Here,
Bobby, try some.Copy !req
122. Okay, I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
123. Bobby, you know what that is.Copy !req
124. So?Copy !req
125. - What is it?
- Laxative.Copy !req
126. You're trying to drug me?Copy !req
127. Good God! That's going too far!Copy !req
128. Well, you won't talk to me about it.Copy !req
129. Now what if it really is something
serious, like polyps, or worse?Copy !req
130. You should see a doctor.Copy !req
131. Stop making such a big deal out of it.
I just can't go to the bathroom.Copy !req
132. - Oh, Hank.
- He looks like an angel.Copy !req
133. A dead angel.Copy !req
134. Oh, my ding dong dang old. Why?Copy !req
135. It should've been Bill.Copy !req
136. Hank.Copy !req
137. We never got a chance to talk
about your constipation.Copy !req
138. And now we never will.Copy !req
139. Remember, early detection is the key.Copy !req
140. Now pass in your algebra homework.Copy !req
141. Goodbye, boy. See you in hell!Copy !req
142. Occupied!Copy !req
143. Hank, you're alive.Copy !req
144. Close the damn door.
Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?Copy !req
145. Don't. No, don't touch me.
I'm on the john. Get out of here.Copy !req
146. Hank, I was so scared.
I dreamed you died.Copy !req
147. You didn't see a doctor.
You didn't listen to Koop.Copy !req
148. Peggy, you're not
supposed to see this.Copy !req
149. Listen, honey, I love you.
Please, don't die on me.Copy !req
150. I love you, too, but...Copy !req
151. Jeez. All right, I'll see a doctor,
if you just get out and leave me be.Copy !req
152. You will?Copy !req
153. Hank, that's wonderful.Copy !req
154. Yeah, well, come on. Get a move on.Copy !req
155. - Thank you.
- Git!Copy !req
156. And what exactly are you seeing
Dr. Morley about today?Copy !req
157. Well, I've been...Copy !req
158. or actually I haven't been...Copy !req
159. You're going to have to speak up.Copy !req
160. I need to see him about
a problem with...Copy !req
161. Sir, just fill this out
and have a seat.Copy !req
162. Put that down.
You do not know where it's been.Copy !req
163. Come on. I'm trying to
fill this thing out.Copy !req
164. - Hankie?
- Mrs. Maclntosh?Copy !req
165. Hank Hill.Copy !req
166. Is this your family?Copy !req
167. I was your father's
third grade teacher.Copy !req
168. Why are you here, Hankie?Copy !req
169. This is an old person's doctor.Copy !req
170. He hasn't been able to take...Copy !req
171. A walk. I threw my knee
out playing touch football.Copy !req
172. Mr. Hill, I'm sorry, sir.
I cannot read this.Copy !req
173. What does it say? "Con"? "Contact"?Copy !req
174. "Convict"? "Con" what?Copy !req
175. So, how are we doing today?Copy !req
176. I'm Dr. Morley. Let's see.Copy !req
177. So you're suffering from consumption?Copy !req
178. - Constipation.
- Oh, constipation.Copy !req
179. Well, that's quite a different matter.Copy !req
180. How long has it been
since your last bowel movement?Copy !req
181. Well, I usually don't keep track
of that kind of thing, but...Copy !req
182. Five days, and Hank's usual schedule
is every two days.Copy !req
183. Of course when we were first married,
he'd go every day.Copy !req
184. But I spoke to his mom,
who said the most interesting thing.Copy !req
185. She said, when he was a teenager...Copy !req
186. he would be in that bathroom
three or four times a day...Copy !req
187. - Peggy!
- Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.Copy !req
188. Now, your wife is obviously concerned.Copy !req
189. And if she's concerned, I'm concerned.Copy !req
190. I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.Copy !req
191. See, honey? Aren't
you glad we're here?Copy !req
192. Mr. Hill, why don't you go ahead
and take off your pants for me, okay?Copy !req
193. Why are you stopping?Copy !req
194. No sense in doing this now.Copy !req
195. I'll just wait until
the doctor comes back.Copy !req
196. Sir, you're gonna need to take
your pants off for Dr. Morley.Copy !req
197. Okay.Copy !req
198. Why, look at that, Peg.Copy !req
199. Cotton balls.Copy !req
200. White ones.Copy !req
201. A whole jar of them.Copy !req
202. How many do you think
there are in there?Copy !req
203. I'll bet 30.Copy !req
204. Yep.Copy !req
205. 30.Copy !req
206. Okay, Mr. Hill, why don't you hop on the
table and undo the back of your gown?Copy !req
207. We'll have a look at you.Copy !req
208. You got all these fancy machines.Copy !req
209. Can't you take a picture
through the gown?Copy !req
210. It's normal to be
a little frightened, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
211. Just turn your face to the wall.Copy !req
212. - You want me to get that?
- No.Copy !req
213. Mr. Hill?Copy !req
214. Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.
She's a medical student.Copy !req
215. Would it be all right with you
if she observes the examination?Copy !req
216. Well, I guess.Copy !req
217. We made it, honey.
Quick. Sixth floor, Maternity.Copy !req
218. Mr. Hill, this is a special camera...Copy !req
219. that we use to get
an inside view of your colon.Copy !req
220. Just kill me now.Copy !req
221. Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?Copy !req
222. Mom, I'm hungry.Copy !req
223. Dad, what are they doing to you?Copy !req
224. Bobby, get out of here!Copy !req
225. No, Mr. Hill, when a family faces an
illness, all members should be involved.Copy !req
226. Remember, they're your get-well team.Copy !req
227. - Hey there, ace. Do you like video games?
- Yeah!Copy !req
228. Well, this joystick
is just like a video game joystick.Copy !req
229. Only my red button fires a real laser.Copy !req
230. Cool.Copy !req
231. Bobby.Copy !req
232. Say, you're good. Maybe you could
help us out a little later.Copy !req
233. Just kidding, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
234. Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.Copy !req
235. It might actually help.Copy !req
236. Tasha, you can begin.Copy !req
237. So far this looks normal.Copy !req
238. Normal?Copy !req
239. That's good, right?Copy !req
240. Now, this is exciting.Copy !req
241. There are so many twists and turns.Copy !req
242. I can't wait to see
what's around the next bend.Copy !req
243. The colon has to twist and turn
because it's surprisingly long.Copy !req
244. You know, Bobby, if I were to take
your grandfather's intestine...Copy !req
245. I'm his father.Copy !req
246. Your father's intestine
and lay it out in a straight line...Copy !req
247. it would go all the
way around the earth.Copy !req
248. Wow! Really?Copy !req
249. Well, that is amazing, Doctor.
You know, I did not know that.Copy !req
250. Now, how could that be?Copy !req
251. The Earth is 25,000 miles around.Copy !req
252. A piece of steak would have
to shoot through your system...Copy !req
253. faster than the speed of sound.
That's impossible.Copy !req
254. Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothing
going through your intestines that fast.Copy !req
255. Hey, I like this. Can I be a
proctologist when I grow up?Copy !req
256. Hey, I like this. Can I be a
proctologist when I grow up?Copy !req
257. Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you
to relax your buttocks for me, please.Copy !req
258. - How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?
- I'm okay.Copy !req
259. I'm just a little uncomfortable
from sitting here for so long.Copy !req
260. Okay. Let's take
a five-minute break.Copy !req
261. Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sure
what's causing your problem.Copy !req
262. So at this point, the best option might
be to remove something surgically.Copy !req
263. I'm sorry. But apparently your low-fat,
high-fiber diet is not working.Copy !req
264. Well, maybe Hank just needs
to give his low-fat...Copy !req
265. high-fiber diet a little more time.Copy !req
266. - Isn't that right, Hank?
- Yes. All right.Copy !req
267. Just to be safe, I'll book an operating
room for the end of the week.Copy !req
268. Oh, God!Copy !req
269. Don't worry. You know, it's
possible to live a long, healthy...Copy !req
270. slightly less active
life without a colon.Copy !req
271. You just can't wear shorts.Copy !req
272. "Not Dogs." Now what are these?
Hot dogs?Copy !req
273. No. They're Not Dogs.Copy !req
274. They're made of tofu.Copy !req
275. Tofu? I can't eat that crap.Copy !req
276. Then try this Faux Fu.Copy !req
277. It's a tofu substitute
for the tofu-intolerant.Copy !req
278. Now would that be good
for a man who's constipated?Copy !req
279. - Peggy!
- Well, I didn't say it was you.Copy !req
280. Is this for your husband?Copy !req
281. Yes, and we will also take a quart
of your brown rice broth.Copy !req
282. Do you have anything that tastes good?Copy !req
283. No.Copy !req
284. Look at this, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
285. "Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li.Copy !req
286. "Board-certified moxibustionist.Copy !req
287. "Relieves stress and
opens the energy channels. "Copy !req
288. What the hell is that?Copy !req
289. He sticks needles in your skin
and sets them on fire.Copy !req
290. Anyone ever try that on me,
I'll kick his ass.Copy !req
291. No! Watch out behind you! No!Copy !req
292. Oh, God, Gatorade all down his back.Copy !req
293. Hank, it's 2:00. Bathroom time.Copy !req
294. - Peg, can't I just...
- Bathroom time.Copy !req
295. All right.Copy !req
296. Hi there, Peggy.Copy !req
297. We were wondering if Hank could
come out and help us with my fence.Copy !req
298. Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.
Hank is having his bathroom time.Copy !req
299. Maybe later.Copy !req
300. Well, thank you all for coming.Copy !req
301. I thought it would help cheer Hank up
to have all of his friends here.Copy !req
302. I think he's making a lot of progress.Copy !req
303. - Where are you going, Hank?
- To the bathroom.Copy !req
304. Now just try to relax, Hank.
And concentrate. This could be it.Copy !req
305. Come on! Will you hurry up?Copy !req
306. Peggy, please.Copy !req
307. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
308. No, see, what I'm saying is, salad
don't always have to have salad in it.Copy !req
309. See, there's potato salad and...Copy !req
310. I'm sorry, Peg, I let you down.Copy !req
311. - I let you all down.
- Don't you worry, Hank.Copy !req
312. We still have 24 hours
before your appointment.Copy !req
313. We're gonna make the most of it.Copy !req
314. You know, Hank seems a little down.Copy !req
315. Well, he's a shell of a man.Copy !req
316. I never thought he'd have the willpower
to give up everything he enjoyed.Copy !req
317. That's not Hank. That's me.Copy !req
318. If it was up to him, he'd be eating...Copy !req
319. burgers in the backyard
with Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer.Copy !req
320. He'd still be drinking beer
and shouting at the TV set...Copy !req
321. and having a lot of fun and...Copy !req
322. Wait here.Copy !req
323. - So?
- So what?Copy !req
324. Well, I heard a... I mean, I wasn't
listening, but I did hear...Copy !req
325. Oh, that was my glasses.Copy !req
326. Look, honey, we gotta talk.Copy !req
327. I know you want to help,
but this is getting out of control.Copy !req
328. You can't treat a grown
man like a baby.Copy !req
329. It ain't right.Copy !req
330. I feel like I've been trying
to be someone else lately.Copy !req
331. Eating food I don't eat.Copy !req
332. And I'm just not gonna do it anymore.Copy !req
333. And if I don't ever poop again,
well, that's just gonna be who I am.Copy !req
334. I'd rather die with a
burger in my colon...Copy !req
335. than live and eat Faux Fu.Copy !req
336. Hank, I know. And it's okay.
You're right.Copy !req
337. What?Copy !req
338. I'm doing this because
I want you to be around...Copy !req
339. as long as possible,
because I love you.Copy !req
340. But I have to let you be you.Copy !req
341. Oh, Peggy...Copy !req
342. I'll still be here for
a good long while.Copy !req
343. - I worry.
- I know you do.Copy !req
344. That you could...Copy !req
345. I know, honey.Copy !req
346. And I'm a lucky son of a gun,
I'll tell you what...Copy !req
347. to have a woman like you
care so much about me.Copy !req
348. I'm gonna be more open...Copy !req
349. tell you how I'm doing more...Copy !req
350. and let you in.Copy !req
351. I just want this moment
to last forever, Hank.Copy !req
352. Me, too!Copy !req
353. - But it can't.
- Hold me, Hank.Copy !req
354. No! Let go!Copy !req
355. Yes!Copy !req
356. You might have noticed in tonight's
episode there was some brief nudity.Copy !req
357. Now, as an actor, I only do nudity
when I feel the script warrants it.Copy !req
358. And I thought tonight's episode only
warranted seeing the side of my rump.Copy !req
359. You can believe me when I tell you
the Fox executives...Copy !req
360. were pushing for a whole lot more.Copy !req
361. If any of you were offended
by my body, I'm truly sorry.Copy !req
362. Good night.Copy !req