1. How was beauty school, Luanne?Copy !req
2. Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?Copy !req
3. Well, I passed "Lather,"
but I failed "Rinse."Copy !req
4. And then I failed "Repeat," too.Copy !req
5. Because it includes "Rinse,"
which I don't think is very fair.Copy !req
6. Damn…Copy !req
7. Um, Hank?Copy !req
8. You forgot to flush.Copy !req
9. Didn't have to.Copy !req
10. Didn't do anything.Copy !req
11. Oh.Copy !req
12. I see.Copy !req
13. How long has this been going on?Copy !req
14. There's nothing "Going on," Peg.Copy !req
15. That's the problem.Copy !req
16. Well, how long have you had this problem?Copy !req
17. There is no problem.Copy !req
18. Please, this is not something
we need to talk about.Copy !req
19. Well, if you do have a problem, I can…Copy !req
20. Peggy, please!Copy !req
21. For god's sakes.Copy !req
22. I'm getting a bite.Copy !req
23. Is there any chicken-fried steak left?Copy !req
24. Here.Copy !req
25. What's this?Copy !req
26. It's megamucil.Copy !req
27. I take ten heaping teaspoons
in a glass of water every nightCopy !req
28. - to stay regular.
- I don't want to know that!Copy !req
29. Oh, come on, honey.Copy !req
30. Look, it is gentle and all-natural.Copy !req
31. No, no, no.Copy !req
32. Stop, please.Copy !req
33. This is my own private, personal,
private business.Copy !req
34. At least drink the water.Copy !req
35. If you drink enough water,Copy !req
36. it will flush out your system…Copy !req
37. - Blah, blah, blah…
- Hank!Copy !req
38. - I'm telling you that it's good for you.
- Blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
39. Hey, eggs and sausage.Copy !req
40. - That looks good.
- Hm.Copy !req
41. Peggy, where's my breakfast?Copy !req
42. What are these?Copy !req
43. I baked muffins.Copy !req
44. So, good for you.Copy !req
45. Where's my sausage?Copy !req
46. Well, we're out of sausage.Copy !req
47. Hank, try a muffin. They are oat bran.Copy !req
48. Uh, sure.Copy !req
49. You should eat those, Dad.Copy !req
50. They help you make.Copy !req
51. Excuse me?Copy !req
52. - Huh?
- What are you implying?Copy !req
53. Well, I thought you were cons…Copy !req
54. Where would you get such an idea?Copy !req
55. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
56. Anyway, that's not something
you should ever know about your father.Copy !req
57. Well, it's pretty obvious.Copy !req
58. You were in the bathroom
for an hour last night.Copy !req
59. No, I wasn't.Copy !req
60. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
61. Give me that.Copy !req
62. What is it, Ladybird?Copy !req
63. You want to go out?Copy !req
64. Again?Copy !req
65. Show-off.Copy !req
66. Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.Copy !req
67. He hasn't "Done his business"Copy !req
68. in four days.Copy !req
69. Good lord!Copy !req
70. Poor Hank.Copy !req
71. He looks so healthy.Copy !req
72. But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.Copy !req
73. Nancy, you don't think
it's something serious?Copy !req
74. Well, I'm a meteorologist,Copy !req
75. not a doctor.Copy !req
76. But if I had to make an educated guess,Copy !req
77. I'd say he's got polio.Copy !req
78. Oh, all right, I'm not a meteorologist.Copy !req
79. I'm a weather girl.Copy !req
80. So, Hank, what's this I hearCopy !req
81. about you being backed up?Copy !req
82. Nothing. What the…Copy !req
83. Who are you thinking about, talking to,
it's not me, I'm fine.Copy !req
84. Well, that's not what I heard.Copy !req
85. Heard from who?Copy !req
86. Dale.Copy !req
87. How does dale know?Copy !req
88. Nancy.Copy !req
89. Nancy knows, too?Copy !req
90. Huh. Who… That Peggy.Copy !req
91. Why not just take the door
off the bathroomCopy !req
92. and put it out on the lawn?Copy !req
93. Oh, Hank, it happens
to everyone now and then.Copy !req
94. There's no reason to be embarrassed.Copy !req
95. Maybe I'm not the one
who should be embarrassed.Copy !req
96. Did you ever think of that?Copy !req
97. Maybe you're going a little too much.Copy !req
98. Once every four or five days
gives me more free time.Copy !req
99. You want to spend all your time
on the toilet, be my guest.Copy !req
100. Have you tried squatting?Copy !req
101. It takes pressure off the lower body.Copy !req
102. You know, Hank.Copy !req
103. I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.Copy !req
104. Would you please stop talking about this?Copy !req
105. Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinkingCopy !req
106. about y'all and your dang ole bottom
and all what's gonna get moving again,Copy !req
107. I think y'all oughta go jogging,
or swimming, or water somethin', man.Copy !req
108. They gonna be having you
pooping just like you used to.Copy !req
109. Man, I know it's gonna work.Copy !req
110. It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.Copy !req
111. I don't know you, do I?Copy !req
112. No, you don't.Copy !req
113. Would you all please leave me be?Copy !req
114. This is no one's business but my own.Copy !req
115. Okay, but I've got oneCopy !req
116. that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.Copy !req
117. You take a spoon full of bacon grease…Copy !req
118. I'm not eating bacon grease.Copy !req
119. You didn't let me finish.Copy !req
120. Simple chronic constipation
can be a symptomCopy !req
121. of a more serious condition.Copy !req
122. I should know.Copy !req
123. I'm former surgeon general
C. Everett Koop.Copy !req
124. Why did you have to go tell NancyCopy !req
125. about my bathroom shortcomings?Copy !req
126. Food that is not absorbed.Copy !req
127. Becomes waste and enters
the pouch-like cecum.Copy !req
128. Who the hell is that?Copy !req
129. Howard Stern?Copy !req
130. Temperature Is a pleasant 70 degrees.Copy !req
131. And on a more personal note,Copy !req
132. I want to wish my friend Hank HillCopy !req
133. a quick recovery for his
embarrassing constiCopy !req
134. pation.Copy !req
135. Peggy, why'd you do this to me?Copy !req
136. Now everybody knows.Copy !req
137. Oh, Hank, I was worried.Copy !req
138. So? Worry to yourself.Copy !req
139. I'm tired of worrying to myself.Copy !req
140. It's better to talk things out, Hank.Copy !req
141. Not these things.Copy !req
142. Not toilet things.Copy !req
143. All right, Hank. All right.Copy !req
144. If it makes you this upset,Copy !req
145. I will just sit here
silently alone with my worries.Copy !req
146. Finally.Copy !req
147. Uh, I'll have some skirt steak,
some brisketCopy !req
148. a little piece of that New York steak,Copy !req
149. uh, a couple of them steak fingers,
and a burger.Copy !req
150. Oh, Hank, please, have just one veggie.Copy !req
151. Oh, all right.Copy !req
152. Uh, put some macaroni
and cheese on there, too.Copy !req
153. Mm.Copy !req
154. Ooh, chocolate sauce.Copy !req
155. Can I have some?Copy !req
156. No, uh-uh, Bobby.Copy !req
157. This isn't ordinary chocolate.Copy !req
158. It is a laxative for your father.Copy !req
159. Oh…Copy !req
160. Where'd you find
this chocolate sauce, Peg?Copy !req
161. It sure is good.Copy !req
162. Here, Bobby, try some.Copy !req
163. Okay, I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
164. Uh, Bobby, Bobby.Copy !req
165. Uh, you know what that is.Copy !req
166. So?Copy !req
167. What is it?Copy !req
168. Laxative.Copy !req
169. You're trying to drug me?Copy !req
170. Good God, that's going too far!Copy !req
171. Well, you won't talk to me about it.Copy !req
172. Now, what if it really is
something serious,Copy !req
173. like polyps or, or worse?Copy !req
174. You should see a doctor.Copy !req
175. Aah! Stop making such
a big deal out of it.Copy !req
176. I just can't go to the bathroom.Copy !req
177. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
178. He looks like an angel.Copy !req
179. A dead angel.Copy !req
180. Oh, my ding dong dang ole. Why? Why? Oh!Copy !req
181. It should have been Bill.Copy !req
182. Oh, Hank, we never got a chance
to talk about your constipation.Copy !req
183. And now we never will.Copy !req
184. Remember, early detection is the key.Copy !req
185. Now, pass in your algebra homework.Copy !req
186. Goodbye, boy.Copy !req
187. See you in hell!Copy !req
188. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
189. Occupied!Copy !req
190. Oh, Hank, you're alive.Copy !req
191. Close the darn door!Copy !req
192. Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?Copy !req
193. Don't… No, don't touch me.Copy !req
194. I'm on the John.Copy !req
195. Get out of here!Copy !req
196. Oh, Hank, I was so scared.Copy !req
197. I dreamed you died.Copy !req
198. You didn't see a doctor.Copy !req
199. You didn't listen to Koop.Copy !req
200. Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.Copy !req
201. Listen, honey, I love you.Copy !req
202. Please don't die on me.Copy !req
203. I love you, too, but…Copy !req
204. Oh, geez, all right, I'll see a doctor
if you just get out and leave me be.Copy !req
205. You will?Copy !req
206. Oh, Hank… Oh, well, that's wonderful.Copy !req
207. Yeah, well, come on, get a move on.Copy !req
208. Thank you.Copy !req
209. Get!Copy !req
210. And, uh, what exactly are you
seeing Dr. Morely about today?Copy !req
211. Uh… Uh, well, I've been, uh…Copy !req
212. Or… Actually, I haven't been…Copy !req
213. Sir, you'll have to speak up.Copy !req
214. I need to see him
about a, uh, problem with…Copy !req
215. Sir, just fill this out
and have a seat.Copy !req
216. Ooh.Copy !req
217. Bobby, put that down.Copy !req
218. You do not know where it's been, honey.Copy !req
219. Come on, I'm trying
to fill this thing out.Copy !req
220. Hanky?Copy !req
221. Mrs. Mclntosh?Copy !req
222. Hank Hill!Copy !req
223. Is this your family?Copy !req
224. I was your father's Third-grade teacher.Copy !req
225. Oh?Copy !req
226. Why are you here, Hanky?Copy !req
227. This is an old persons' doctor.Copy !req
228. Well, Hank hasn't been able to take…Copy !req
229. A walk.Copy !req
230. Threw my knee out playing touch football.Copy !req
231. Mr. Hill.Copy !req
232. I'm sorry, sir, I cannot read this.Copy !req
233. What does it say? Con…Copy !req
234. Contact… Conta… Con-what?Copy !req
235. So, how are we doing today?Copy !req
236. I'm Dr. Morely.Copy !req
237. Let's see.Copy !req
238. So you're suffering from… consumption?Copy !req
239. Constipation.Copy !req
240. Oh, constipation.Copy !req
241. Well, that's quite a different matter.Copy !req
242. How long has it been
since your last bowel movement?Copy !req
243. Well, uh, I usually don't keep
track of that kind of thing,Copy !req
244. - but…
- Five days.Copy !req
245. And Hank's usual schedule
is every two days.Copy !req
246. Of course when we were first married,
he'd go every day.Copy !req
247. But then I spoke to his mother.Copy !req
248. And she said the most interesting thing.Copy !req
249. She said when he was a teenager,
he would be in that bathroomCopy !req
250. - three or four times a day…
- Peggy!Copy !req
251. Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.Copy !req
252. Now, your wife is obviously concernedCopy !req
253. and if she's concerned, I'm concerned.Copy !req
254. I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.Copy !req
255. See, honey, aren't you glad we're here?Copy !req
256. Hi, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
257. Why don't you go ahead
and take off your pants for me, mm-kay?Copy !req
258. Why are you stopping?Copy !req
259. Well, no sense in doing this now.Copy !req
260. I'll just wait until
the doctor comes back.Copy !req
261. Sir.Copy !req
262. You'll need to take
your pants off for Dr. Morely.Copy !req
263. Oh… Oh. Okay.Copy !req
264. Uh… Why, look at that, Peg.Copy !req
265. Cotton balls.Copy !req
266. White ones.Copy !req
267. Heh. Whole jar of them.Copy !req
268. How many do you think there are in there?Copy !req
269. I'll bet 30.Copy !req
270. Yep.Copy !req
271. Thirty.Copy !req
272. Okay, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
273. Why don't you hop on the table
and undo the back of your gown,Copy !req
274. and we'll have a look at you.Copy !req
275. You got all these fancy machines.Copy !req
276. Can't you take a picture through the gown?Copy !req
277. It's normal to be a little frightened
Mr. Hill.Copy !req
278. Just turn your face to the wall.Copy !req
279. Oh! You want me to get that?Copy !req
280. No!Copy !req
281. - Mr. Hill.
- Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.Copy !req
282. She's a medical student.Copy !req
283. Would it be all right with you
if she observes the examination?Copy !req
284. Uh… Well, I guess.Copy !req
285. We made it, honey!Copy !req
286. Quick! Sixth floor, Maternity!Copy !req
287. Mr. Hill, this is a special cameraCopy !req
288. that we use to get
an inside view of your colon.Copy !req
289. Just kill me now.Copy !req
290. Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?Copy !req
291. Mom, I'm hungry.Copy !req
292. Whoa!Copy !req
293. Dad! What are they doing to you?Copy !req
294. Bobby, get out of here!Copy !req
295. No, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
296. When a family faces an illness,Copy !req
297. all members should be involved.Copy !req
298. Remember, they're your get-well team.Copy !req
299. Hey there, Ace.Copy !req
300. Do you like video games?Copy !req
301. Yeah.Copy !req
302. Well, this joystick is just like
a video game joystickCopy !req
303. only my red button fires a real laser.Copy !req
304. Cool!Copy !req
305. Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!Copy !req
306. Bobby…Copy !req
307. Say, you're good.Copy !req
308. Maybe you could, uh,
help us out a little later.Copy !req
309. Just kidding, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
310. Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.Copy !req
311. It might actually help.Copy !req
312. Tasha, you can begin.Copy !req
313. So far, this looks normal.Copy !req
314. Normal? Uh…Copy !req
315. That's good, right?Copy !req
316. Now, this is exciting.Copy !req
317. There are so many twists and turns.Copy !req
318. I can't wait to see
what's around the next bend.Copy !req
319. The colon has to twist and turn
because it's surprisingly long.Copy !req
320. You know, Bobby, if I were to takeCopy !req
321. your grandfather's intestine…Copy !req
322. I'm his father!Copy !req
323. Your father's intestine,Copy !req
324. and lay it out in a straight line,Copy !req
325. it would go all the way around the earth.Copy !req
326. Wow. Really?Copy !req
327. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
328. Well, that is amazing, Doctor.Copy !req
329. You know, I did not know that.Copy !req
330. Now, how could that be?Copy !req
331. The earth is 25,000 miles around.Copy !req
332. A piece of steak would have
to shoot through your systemCopy !req
333. faster than the speed of sound.Copy !req
334. That's impossible.Copy !req
335. Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothingCopy !req
336. going through your intestines that fast.Copy !req
337. Hey, I like this.Copy !req
338. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?Copy !req
339. Um, Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you
to relax your buttocks for me, please.Copy !req
340. How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
341. Well, I'm okay.Copy !req
342. I'm just a little uncomfortable
from sitting here for so long.Copy !req
343. Okay, let's take a five-minute break.Copy !req
344. Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sureCopy !req
345. what's causing your problem.Copy !req
346. So at this point, the best option might be
to remove something surgically.Copy !req
347. I'm sorry, but apparentlyCopy !req
348. your low-fat,
high-fiber diet is not working.Copy !req
349. Well, maybe Hank just needs
to give his low-fat, high-fiber dietCopy !req
350. a little more time.Copy !req
351. Isn't that right, Hank?Copy !req
352. Yes, yes, all right.Copy !req
353. Mm-hmm. Just to be safe,
I'll book an operating roomCopy !req
354. for the end of the week.Copy !req
355. Oh, god…Copy !req
356. Don't worry.Copy !req
357. You know, it's possible to live
a long, healthy slightly less active lifeCopy !req
358. without a colon.Copy !req
359. You just can't wear shorts.Copy !req
360. "Notdogs."Copy !req
361. Now, what are these, hot dogs?Copy !req
362. No, they're notdogs.Copy !req
363. They're made of tofu.Copy !req
364. Tofu? I can't eat that crap.Copy !req
365. Then try this faux-fu.Copy !req
366. It's a tofu substitute
for the tofu-intolerant.Copy !req
367. Mm-hm. Now, would that be good for
a man who's constipated?Copy !req
368. - Peggy.
- Well, I didn't say it was you.Copy !req
369. Is this for your husband?Copy !req
370. Yes.Copy !req
371. And we will also take
a quart of your brown rice broth.Copy !req
372. Do you have anything that tastes good?Copy !req
373. Hmm. Ah…Copy !req
374. No.Copy !req
375. Ooh! Look at this, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
376. "Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li."Copy !req
377. Board-certified moxibustionist.Copy !req
378. "Relieves stress,
and opens the energy channels."Copy !req
379. What the hell is that?Copy !req
380. He sticks needles in your skin.Copy !req
381. And sets them on fire.Copy !req
382. Anyone ever try that on me,
I'll kick his ass.Copy !req
383. No! Watch out behind you!Copy !req
384. No!Copy !req
385. God, gatorade all down his back.Copy !req
386. Hank, it's 2 o'clock.Copy !req
387. Bathroom time.Copy !req
388. Peg, can't I just…Copy !req
389. Bathroom time.Copy !req
390. All right.Copy !req
391. Hi, there, Peggy.Copy !req
392. We were wondering if Hank could come outCopy !req
393. and help us with my fence.Copy !req
394. Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.Copy !req
395. Hank is having his bathroom time.Copy !req
396. Maybe later.Copy !req
397. Mm.Copy !req
398. Well, thank you all for coming.Copy !req
399. I thought it would help cheer Hank upCopy !req
400. to have all of his friends here.Copy !req
401. I think he's making a lot of progress.Copy !req
402. Where are you going, Hank?Copy !req
403. To the bathroom.Copy !req
404. Now, just try to relax, Hank,Copy !req
405. and concentrate.Copy !req
406. This could be it.Copy !req
407. Come on!Copy !req
408. Will you hurry up!Copy !req
409. Peggy, please.Copy !req
410. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
411. No, no. See, what I'm saying isCopy !req
412. salad don't always have
to have salad in it.Copy !req
413. See, there's potato salad and, uh…
Ohh.Copy !req
414. I'm sorry, Peg.Copy !req
415. I let you down, I let you all down.Copy !req
416. Don't you worry, Hank.Copy !req
417. We still have 24 hours
before your appointment.Copy !req
418. And, honey, we're gonna make
the most of it.Copy !req
419. You know, Hanks seems a little… Down.Copy !req
420. Well, he's a shell of a man.Copy !req
421. I never thought Hank had the willpowerCopy !req
422. to give up everything he enjoyed.Copy !req
423. Well, that's not Hank. That's me.Copy !req
424. I mean, if it was up to him,Copy !req
425. he'd still be eating
burgers in the backyardCopy !req
426. with Dale, Bill and Boomhauer.Copy !req
427. He'd still be drinking beer
and shouting at the TV set, andCopy !req
428. having a lot of fun, and…Copy !req
429. Wait here.Copy !req
430. So?Copy !req
431. So what?Copy !req
432. Well, I heard a…Copy !req
433. I mean, I wasn't listening,
but I did hear a…Copy !req
434. Oh. That was my glasses.Copy !req
435. Look, honey.Copy !req
436. We got to talk.Copy !req
437. I know you want to help,Copy !req
438. but this is getting out of control.Copy !req
439. You can't treat a grown man like a baby.Copy !req
440. It ain't right.Copy !req
441. I feel like I've been trying
to be someone else lately.Copy !req
442. Eating food I don't eat,Copy !req
443. and I'm just not going to do it anymore.Copy !req
444. And if I don't ever poop again.Copy !req
445. Well, that's just going to be who I am.Copy !req
446. I'd rather die with a burger in my colonCopy !req
447. than live and eat faux-fu.Copy !req
448. Hank, I know, and…Copy !req
449. It's okay. You're right.Copy !req
450. What?Copy !req
451. Well, I'm only doing thisCopy !req
452. because I want you to be around
as long as possibleCopy !req
453. because I love you.Copy !req
454. But I have to let you be you.Copy !req
455. Oh… Peggy, I…Copy !req
456. I'll still be here for a good, long while.Copy !req
457. I worry…Copy !req
458. I know you do.Copy !req
459. That you could…Copy !req
460. Ah, I, I know, honey.Copy !req
461. And I'm a lucky son of a gun,
I tell you what,Copy !req
462. to have a woman like you
care so much about me.Copy !req
463. I'm going to be more open.Copy !req
464. Tell you how I'm doing more.Copy !req
465. And let you in.Copy !req
466. I just want this moment
to last forever, Hank.Copy !req
467. Me too.Copy !req
468. But it can't.Copy !req
469. Oh, hold me, Hank.Copy !req
470. No!Copy !req
471. No!Copy !req
472. Let go! Let go!Copy !req
473. Yes!Copy !req
474. You might have noticed
in tonight's episodeCopy !req
475. there was some brief nudity.Copy !req
476. Now, as an actor, I only do nudityCopy !req
477. when I feel the script warrants it.Copy !req
478. And I thought tonight's episodeCopy !req
479. only warranted seeing the side of my rump.Copy !req
480. You can believe me when I tell youCopy !req
481. the Fox executives were pushing
for a whole lot more.Copy !req
482. If any of you were offended
by my body, I am truly sorry.Copy !req
483. Good night.Copy !req