1. How was beauty school, Luanne?Copy !req
2. Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?Copy !req
3. Well, I passed "Lather,"
but I failed "Rinse."Copy !req
4. And then I failed "Repeat," too.Copy !req
5. Because it includes "Rinse,"
which I don't think is very fair.Copy !req
6. Damn...Copy !req
7. Um, Hank?Copy !req
8. You forgot to flush.Copy !req
9. Didn't have to.Copy !req
10. Didn't do anything.Copy !req
11. Oh.Copy !req
12. I see.Copy !req
13. How long has this been going on?Copy !req
14. There's nothing "Going on," Peg.Copy !req
15. That's the problem.Copy !req
16. Well, how long have you had this problem?Copy !req
17. There is no problem.Copy !req
18. Please, this is not something
we need to talk about.Copy !req
19. Well, if you do have a problem, I can...Copy !req
20. Peggy, please!Copy !req
21. For god's sakes.Copy !req
22. I'm getting a bite.Copy !req
23. Is there any chicken-fried steak left?Copy !req
24. Here.Copy !req
25. What's this?Copy !req
26. It's megamucil.Copy !req
27. I take ten heaping teaspoons
in a glass of water every nightCopy !req
28. - to stay regular.
- I don't want to know that!Copy !req
29. Oh, come on, honey.Copy !req
30. Look, it is gentle and all-natural.Copy !req
31. No, no, no.Copy !req
32. Stop, please.Copy !req
33. This is my own private, personal,
private business.Copy !req
34. At least drink the water.Copy !req
35. If you drink enough water,Copy !req
36. it will flush out your system...Copy !req
37. - Blah, blah, blah...
- Hank!Copy !req
38. - I'm telling you that it's good for you.
- ... blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
39. Hey, eggs and sausage.Copy !req
40. - That looks good.
- Hm.Copy !req
41. Peggy, where's my breakfast?Copy !req
42. Hmm?Copy !req
43. What are these?Copy !req
44. I baked muffins.Copy !req
45. So, good for you.Copy !req
46. Where's my sausage?Copy !req
47. Well, we're out of sausage.Copy !req
48. Hank, try a muffin. They are oat bran.Copy !req
49. Uh, sure.Copy !req
50. You should eat those, Dad.Copy !req
51. - They help you make.Copy !req
52. Excuse me?Copy !req
53. - Huh?
- What are you implying?Copy !req
54. Well, I thought you were cons...Copy !req
55. Where would you get such an idea?Copy !req
56. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
57. Anyway, that's not something
you should ever know about your father.Copy !req
58. Well, it's pretty obvious.Copy !req
59. You were in the bathroom
for an hour last night.Copy !req
60. No, I wasn't.Copy !req
61. Okay, Dad.Copy !req
62. Give me that.Copy !req
63. What is it, Ladybird?Copy !req
64. You want to go out?Copy !req
65. Again?Copy !req
66. Show-off.Copy !req
67. Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.Copy !req
68. He hasn't "Done his business"Copy !req
69. in four days.Copy !req
70. Good lord!Copy !req
71. Poor Hank.Copy !req
72. He looks so healthy.Copy !req
73. But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.Copy !req
74. Nancy, you don't think
it's something serious?Copy !req
75. Well, I'm a meteorologist,Copy !req
76. not a doctor.Copy !req
77. But if I had to make an educated guess,Copy !req
78. I'd say he's got polio.Copy !req
79. Oh, all right, I'm not a meteorologist.Copy !req
80. I'm a weather girl.Copy !req
81. So, Hank, what's this I hearCopy !req
82. about you being backed up?Copy !req
83. Nothing. What the...Copy !req
84. Who are you thinking about, talking to,
it's not me, I'm fine.Copy !req
85. Well, that's not what I heard.Copy !req
86. Heard from who?Copy !req
87. Dale.Copy !req
88. How does dale know?Copy !req
89. Nancy.Copy !req
90. Nancy knows, too?Copy !req
91. Huh. Who... That Peggy.Copy !req
92. Why not just take the door
off the bathroomCopy !req
93. and put it out on the lawn?Copy !req
94. Oh, Hank, it happens
to everyone now and then.Copy !req
95. There's no reason to be embarrassed.Copy !req
96. Maybe I'm not the one
who should be embarrassed.Copy !req
97. Did you ever think of that?Copy !req
98. Maybe you're going a little too much.Copy !req
99. Once every four or five days
gives me more free time.Copy !req
100. You want to spend all your time
on the toilet, be my guest.Copy !req
101. Have you tried squatting?Copy !req
102. It takes pressure off the lower body.Copy !req
103. You know, Hank.Copy !req
104. I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.Copy !req
105. Would you please stop talking about this?Copy !req
106. Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinkingCopy !req
107. about y'all and your dang ole bottom
and all what's gonna get moving again,Copy !req
108. I think y'all oughta go jogging,
or swimming, or water somethin', man.Copy !req
109. They gonna be having you
pooping just like you used to.Copy !req
110. Man, I know it's gonna work.Copy !req
111. It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.Copy !req
112. I don't know you, do I?Copy !req
113. No, you don't.Copy !req
114. Would you all please leave me be?Copy !req
115. This is no one's business but my own.Copy !req
116. Okay, but I've got oneCopy !req
117. that's guaranteed to work for you, Hank.Copy !req
118. You take a spoon full of bacon grease...Copy !req
119. I'm not eating bacon grease.Copy !req
120. You didn't let me finish.Copy !req
121. Simple chronic constipation
can be a symptomCopy !req
122. of a more serious condition.Copy !req
123. I should know.Copy !req
124. I'm former surgeon general
C. Everett Koop.Copy !req
125. Why did you have to go tell NancyCopy !req
126. about my bathroom shortcomings?Copy !req
127. Food that is not absorbedCopy !req
128. Becomes waste and enters
the pouch-like cecum.Copy !req
129. Who the hell is that?Copy !req
130. Howard Stern?Copy !req
131. - Temperature Is a pleasant 70 degrees.Copy !req
132. And on a more personal note,Copy !req
133. I want to wish my friend Hank HillCopy !req
134. a quick recovery for his
embarrassing consti—Copy !req
135. - ... pation.Copy !req
136. Peggy, why'd you do this to me?Copy !req
137. Now everybody knows.Copy !req
138. Oh, Hank, I was worried.Copy !req
139. So? Worry to yourself.Copy !req
140. I'm tired of worrying to myself.Copy !req
141. It's better to talk things out, Hank.Copy !req
142. Not these things.Copy !req
143. Not toilet things.Copy !req
144. All right, Hank. All right.Copy !req
145. If it makes you this upset,Copy !req
146. I will just sit here
silently alone with my worries.Copy !req
147. Finally.Copy !req
148. Uh, I'll have some skirt steak,
some brisketCopy !req
149. a little piece of that New York steak,Copy !req
150. uh, a couple of them steak fingers,
and a burger.Copy !req
151. Oh, Hank, please, have just one veggie.Copy !req
152. Oh, all right.Copy !req
153. Uh, put some macaroni
and cheese on there, too.Copy !req
154. Mm.Copy !req
155. Ooh, chocolate sauce.Copy !req
156. Can I have some?Copy !req
157. No, uh-uh, Bobby.Copy !req
158. This isn't ordinary chocolate.Copy !req
159. It is a laxative for your father.Copy !req
160. Oh...Copy !req
161. Where'd you find
this chocolate sauce, Peg?Copy !req
162. It sure is good.Copy !req
163. Here, Bobby, try some.Copy !req
164. Okay, I thought you'd never ask.Copy !req
165. Uh, Bobby, Bobby.Copy !req
166. Uh, you know what that is.Copy !req
167. So?Copy !req
168. What is it?Copy !req
169. - Laxative.Copy !req
170. You're trying to drug me?Copy !req
171. Good God, that's going too far!Copy !req
172. Well, you won't talk to me about it.Copy !req
173. Now, what if it really is
something serious,Copy !req
174. like polyps or, or worse?Copy !req
175. You should see a doctor.Copy !req
176. Aah! Stop making such
a big deal out of it.Copy !req
177. I just can't go to the bathroom.Copy !req
178. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
179. He looks like an angel.Copy !req
180. A dead angel.Copy !req
181. Oh, my ding dong dang ole. Why? Why? Oh!Copy !req
182. It should have been Bill.Copy !req
183. Oh, Hank, we never got a chance
to talk about your constipation.Copy !req
184. And now we never will.Copy !req
185. Remember, early detection is the key.Copy !req
186. Now, pass in your algebra homework.Copy !req
187. Goodbye, boy.Copy !req
188. - See you in hell!Copy !req
189. Oh! Oh!Copy !req
190. Occupied!Copy !req
191. Oh, Hank, you're alive.Copy !req
192. Close the darn door!Copy !req
193. Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?Copy !req
194. Don't... No, don't touch me.Copy !req
195. I'm on the John.Copy !req
196. Get out of here!Copy !req
197. Oh, Hank, I was so scared.Copy !req
198. I dreamed you died.Copy !req
199. You didn't see a doctor.Copy !req
200. You didn't listen to Koop.Copy !req
201. Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.Copy !req
202. Listen, honey, I love you.Copy !req
203. Please don't die on me.Copy !req
204. I love you, too, but...Copy !req
205. Oh, geez, all right, I'll see a doctor
if you just get out and leave me be.Copy !req
206. You will?Copy !req
207. Oh, Hank... Oh, well, that's wonderful.Copy !req
208. Yeah, well, come on, get a move on.Copy !req
209. Thank you.Copy !req
210. - Get!Copy !req
211. And, uh, what exactly are you
seeing Dr. Morely about today?Copy !req
212. - Uh... Uh, well, I've been, uh...Copy !req
213. Or... Actually, I haven't been...Copy !req
214. Sir, you'll have to speak up.Copy !req
215. I need to see him
about a, uh, problem with...Copy !req
216. Sir, just fill this out
and have a seat.Copy !req
217. - Ooh.Copy !req
218. Bobby, put that down.Copy !req
219. You do not know where it's been, honey.Copy !req
220. Come on, I'm trying
to fill this thing out.Copy !req
221. Hanky?Copy !req
222. Mrs. Mclntosh?Copy !req
223. Hank Hill!Copy !req
224. Is this your family?Copy !req
225. I was your father's Third-grade teacher.Copy !req
226. Oh?Copy !req
227. Why are you here, Hanky?Copy !req
228. This is an old persons' doctor.Copy !req
229. Well, Hank hasn't been able to take...Copy !req
230. A walk.Copy !req
231. Threw my knee out playing touch football.Copy !req
232. Mr. Hill.Copy !req
233. I'm sorry, sir, I cannot read this.Copy !req
234. What does it say? Con...Copy !req
235. - Contact... Conta... Con-what?Copy !req
236. So, how are we doing today?Copy !req
237. I'm Dr. Morely.Copy !req
238. Let's see.Copy !req
239. So you're suffering from... consumption?Copy !req
240. Constipation.Copy !req
241. Oh, constipation.Copy !req
242. Well, that's quite a different matter.Copy !req
243. How long has it been
since your last bowel movement?Copy !req
244. Well, uh, I usually don't keep
track of that kind of thing,Copy !req
245. - but...
- Five days.Copy !req
246. And Hank's usual schedule
is every two days.Copy !req
247. Of course when we were first married,
he'd go every day.Copy !req
248. But then I spoke to his mother.Copy !req
249. And she said the most interesting thing.Copy !req
250. She said when he was a teenager,
he would be in that bathroomCopy !req
251. - three or four times a day...
- Peggy!Copy !req
252. Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.Copy !req
253. Now, your wife is obviously concernedCopy !req
254. and if she's concerned, I'm concerned.Copy !req
255. I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.Copy !req
256. See, honey, aren't you glad we're here?Copy !req
257. Hi, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
258. Why don't you go ahead
and take off your pants for me, mm-kay?Copy !req
259. Why are you stopping?Copy !req
260. Well, no sense in doing this now.Copy !req
261. I'll just wait until
the doctor comes back.Copy !req
262. - Sir.Copy !req
263. You'll need to take
your pants off for Dr. Morely.Copy !req
264. - Oh... Oh. Okay.Copy !req
265. Uh... Why, look at that, Peg.Copy !req
266. Cotton balls.Copy !req
267. White ones.Copy !req
268. Heh. Whole jar of them.Copy !req
269. How many do you think there are in there?Copy !req
270. I'll bet 30.Copy !req
271. Yep.Copy !req
272. Thirty.Copy !req
273. Okay, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
274. Why don't you hop on the table
and undo the back of your gown,Copy !req
275. and we'll have a look at you.Copy !req
276. You got all these fancy machines.Copy !req
277. Can't you take a picture through the gown?Copy !req
278. It's normal to be a little frightened
Mr. Hill.Copy !req
279. Just turn your face to the wall.Copy !req
280. Oh! You want me to get that?Copy !req
281. No!Copy !req
282. - Mr. Hill.
- Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.Copy !req
283. She's a medical student.Copy !req
284. Would it be all right with you
if she observes the examination?Copy !req
285. Uh... Well, I guess.Copy !req
286. We made it, honey!Copy !req
287. Quick! Sixth floor, Maternity!Copy !req
288. Mr. Hill, this is a special cameraCopy !req
289. that we use to get
an inside view of your colon.Copy !req
290. Just kill me now.Copy !req
291. Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?Copy !req
292. Mom, I'm hungry.Copy !req
293. Whoa!Copy !req
294. Dad! What are they doing to you?Copy !req
295. - Bobby, get out of here!Copy !req
296. No, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
297. When a family faces an illness,Copy !req
298. all members should be involved.Copy !req
299. Remember, they're your get-well team.Copy !req
300. Hey there, Ace.Copy !req
301. Do you like video games?Copy !req
302. Yeah.Copy !req
303. Well, this joystick is just like
a video game joystickCopy !req
304. only my red button fires a real laser.Copy !req
305. Cool!Copy !req
306. - Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew! Pchew!Copy !req
307. Bobby...Copy !req
308. Say, you're good.Copy !req
309. Maybe you could, uh,
help us out a little later.Copy !req
310. - Just kidding, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
311. Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.Copy !req
312. It might actually help.Copy !req
313. Tasha, you can begin.Copy !req
314. So far, this looks normal.Copy !req
315. Normal? Uh...Copy !req
316. - That's good, right?Copy !req
317. Now, this is exciting.Copy !req
318. There are so many twists and turns.Copy !req
319. I can't wait to see
what's around the next bend.Copy !req
320. The colon has to twist and turn
because it's surprisingly long.Copy !req
321. You know, Bobby, if I were to takeCopy !req
322. your grandfather's intestine...Copy !req
323. I'm his father!Copy !req
324. Your father's intestine,Copy !req
325. and lay it out in a straight line,Copy !req
326. it would go all the way around the earth.Copy !req
327. Wow. Really?Copy !req
328. DR.Mm-hmm.Copy !req
329. Well, that is amazing, Doctor.Copy !req
330. You know, I did not know that.Copy !req
331. Now, how could that be?Copy !req
332. The earth is 25,000 miles around.Copy !req
333. A piece of steak would have
to shoot through your systemCopy !req
334. faster than the speed of sound.Copy !req
335. That's impossible.Copy !req
336. Well, Mr. Hill, there's certainly nothingCopy !req
337. going through your intestines that fast.Copy !req
338. Hey, I like this.Copy !req
339. Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?Copy !req
340. Um, Mr. Hill, I'm gonna have to ask you
to relax your buttocks for me, please.Copy !req
341. How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
342. Well, I'm okay.Copy !req
343. I'm just a little uncomfortable
from sitting here for so long.Copy !req
344. Okay, let's take a five-minute break.Copy !req
345. Well, Mr. Hill, we're not exactly sureCopy !req
346. what's causing your problem.Copy !req
347. So at this point, the best option might be
to remove something surgically.Copy !req
348. I'm sorry, but apparentlyCopy !req
349. your low-fat,
high-fiber diet is not working.Copy !req
350. Well, maybe Hank just needs
to give his low-fat, high-fiber dietCopy !req
351. a little more time.Copy !req
352. Isn't that right, Hank?Copy !req
353. Yes, yes, all right.Copy !req
354. Mm-hmm. Just to be safe,
I'll book an operating roomCopy !req
355. for the end of the week.Copy !req
356. Oh, god...Copy !req
357. DR. Don't worry.Copy !req
358. You know, it's possible to live
a long, healthy slightly less active lifeCopy !req
359. without a colon.Copy !req
360. DR.You just can't wear shorts.Copy !req
361. "Notdogs."Copy !req
362. Now, what are these, hot dogs?Copy !req
363. No, they're notdogs.Copy !req
364. They're made of tofu.Copy !req
365. Tofu? I can't eat that crap.Copy !req
366. Then try this faux-fu.Copy !req
367. It's a tofu substitute
for the tofu-intolerant.Copy !req
368. Mm-hm. Now, would that be good for
a man who's constipated?Copy !req
369. - Peggy.
- Well, I didn't say it was you.Copy !req
370. Is this for your husband?Copy !req
371. Yes.Copy !req
372. And we will also take
a quart of your brown rice broth.Copy !req
373. Do you have anything that tastes good?Copy !req
374. Hmm. Ah...Copy !req
375. No.Copy !req
376. Ooh! Look at this, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
377. "Experience moxibustion with Mr. Li.Copy !req
378. Board-certified moxibustionist.Copy !req
379. Relieves stress,
and opens the energy channels."Copy !req
380. What the hell is that?Copy !req
381. He sticks needles in your skinCopy !req
382. And sets them on fire.Copy !req
383. Anyone ever try that on me,
I'll kick his ass.Copy !req
384. - No! Watch out behind you!Copy !req
385. No!Copy !req
386. God, gatorade all down his back.Copy !req
387. Hank, it's 2 o'clock.Copy !req
388. Bathroom time.Copy !req
389. Peg, can't I just...Copy !req
390. Bathroom time.Copy !req
391. All right.Copy !req
392. Hi, there, Peggy.Copy !req
393. We were wondering if Hank could come outCopy !req
394. and help us with my fence.Copy !req
395. Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.Copy !req
396. Hank is having his bathroom time.Copy !req
397. Maybe later.Copy !req
398. - Mm.Copy !req
399. Well, thank you all for coming.Copy !req
400. I thought it would help cheer Hank upCopy !req
401. to have all of his friends here.Copy !req
402. I think he's making a lot of progress.Copy !req
403. Where are you going, Hank?Copy !req
404. - To the bathroom.Copy !req
405. Now, just try to relax, Hank,Copy !req
406. and concentrate.Copy !req
407. This could be it.Copy !req
408. - Come on!Copy !req
409. Will you hurry up!Copy !req
410. Peggy, please.Copy !req
411. Come on, Hank.Copy !req
412. No, no. See, what I'm saying isCopy !req
413. salad don't always have
to have salad in it.Copy !req
414. See, there's potato salad and, uh... Ohh.Copy !req
415. I'm sorry, Peg.Copy !req
416. I let you down, I let you all down.Copy !req
417. Don't you worry, Hank.Copy !req
418. We still have 24 hours
before your appointment.Copy !req
419. And, honey, we're gonna make
the most of it.Copy !req
420. You know, Hanks seems a little... Down.Copy !req
421. Well, he's a shell of a man.Copy !req
422. I never thought Hank had the willpowerCopy !req
423. to give up everything he enjoyed.Copy !req
424. Well, that's not Hank. That's me.Copy !req
425. I mean, if it was up to him,Copy !req
426. he'd still be eating
burgers in the backyardCopy !req
427. with Dale, Bill and Boomhauer.Copy !req
428. He'd still be drinking beer
and shouting at the TV set, and...Copy !req
429. having a lot of fun, and...Copy !req
430. - Wait here.Copy !req
431. So?Copy !req
432. So what?Copy !req
433. Well, I heard a...Copy !req
434. I mean, I wasn't listening,
but I did hear a...Copy !req
435. Oh. That was my glasses.Copy !req
436. Look, honey.Copy !req
437. We got to talk.Copy !req
438. I know you want to help,Copy !req
439. but this is getting out of control.Copy !req
440. You can't treat a grown man like a baby.Copy !req
441. It ain't right.Copy !req
442. I feel like I've been trying
to be someone else lately.Copy !req
443. Eating food I don't eat,Copy !req
444. and I'm just not going to do it anymore.Copy !req
445. And if I don't ever poop again.Copy !req
446. Well, that's just going to be who I am.Copy !req
447. I'd rather die with a burger in my colonCopy !req
448. than live and eat faux-fu.Copy !req
449. Hank, I know, and...Copy !req
450. It's okay. You're right.Copy !req
451. What?Copy !req
452. Well, I'm only doing thisCopy !req
453. because I want you to be around
as long as possibleCopy !req
454. because I love you.Copy !req
455. But I have to let you be you.Copy !req
456. Oh... Peggy, I...Copy !req
457. I'll still be here for a good, long while.Copy !req
458. I worry...Copy !req
459. I know you do.Copy !req
460. that you could...Copy !req
461. Ah, I, I know, honey.Copy !req
462. And I'm a lucky son of a gun,
I tell you what,Copy !req
463. to have a woman like you
care so much about me.Copy !req
464. I'm going to be more open.Copy !req
465. - Tell you how I'm doing more.Copy !req
466. And let you in.Copy !req
467. I just want this moment
to last forever, Hank.Copy !req
468. Me too.Copy !req
469. But it can't.Copy !req
470. Oh, hold me, Hank.Copy !req
471. No!Copy !req
472. Let go! Let go!Copy !req
473. - Yes!Copy !req
474. You might have noticed
in tonight's episodeCopy !req
475. there was some brief nudity.Copy !req
476. Now, as an actor, I only do nudityCopy !req
477. when I feel the script warrants it.Copy !req
478. And I thought tonight's episodeCopy !req
479. only warranted seeing the side of my rump.Copy !req
480. You can believe me when I tell youCopy !req
481. the Fox executives were pushing
for a whole lot more.Copy !req
482. If any of you were offended
by my body, I am truly sorry.Copy !req
483. Good night.Copy !req