1. What do you say we tee off together, Hank?Copy !req
2. Sure thing, Willie.Copy !req
3. Dead solid perfect!Copy !req
4. Ah.Copy !req
5. You know, Hank,
I've always wanted to sell propaneCopy !req
6. and propane accessories like you do.Copy !req
7. But I guess this dang music thing came up.Copy !req
8. Well, ain't no changing the past, I guess.Copy !req
9. Let's jam.Copy !req
10. Ah... ah... aah!Copy !req
11. What in the name of God...?Copy !req
12. Bobby!Copy !req
13. Uh-oh.Copy !req
14. Son, have you lost your mind?Copy !req
15. Aren't you supposed to knock first?Copy !req
16. I could have been naked.Copy !req
17. Bobby, how many times have I told you?Copy !req
18. Betsy is not a toy.Copy !req
19. - She's a 1963 guild, solid-top...Copy !req
20. What's that smell?Copy !req
21. You been playing this with your feet?Copy !req
22. That's cheese, dad.Copy !req
23. Why would there ever be cheese on Betsy?Copy !req
24. It's funny. It's a comedy routine.Copy !req
25. You know, play the guitar
with a piece of cheeseCopy !req
26. and you go, "Hey, look at me,Copy !req
27. I'm Eddie Cheddar!"Copy !req
28. You know, it's from Celery Head.Copy !req
29. What is a "Celery Head"?Copy !req
30. He's the world's best comedian.Copy !req
31. He glues things.Copy !req
32. Like he glues a kleenex boxCopy !req
33. to a tennis shoe and goes...Copy !req
34. "This is in case you have
a runny nose."Copy !req
35. That's not a joke, son.Copy !req
36. That's a waste of good glue.Copy !req
37. Well, he makes
three million dollars a year.Copy !req
38. You must have got that wrong.Copy !req
39. People don't pay money
to see things like that.Copy !req
40. Now, Robert Klein,Copy !req
41. that's something you pay money for.Copy !req
42. What is going on in there?Copy !req
43. Peggy, I'm worried about our boy.Copy !req
44. Some green-haired freak
told him to rub cheeseCopy !req
45. on my guitar.Copy !req
46. Oh, you mean Celery Head.Copy !req
47. I saw him on entertainment tonight.Copy !req
48. He makes three million dollars a year.Copy !req
49. Luanne, good lord!Copy !req
50. Put on some pants.Copy !req
51. I'm wearing shorts.Copy !req
52. Aah!Copy !req
53. Don't scare me like that.Copy !req
54. Look at this, Peggy.Copy !req
55. The boy chipped Betsy's bridgeCopy !req
56. and he woke me upCopy !req
57. from my Willie Nelson
golfing dream number three.Copy !req
58. Hank, calm down.Copy !req
59. It is just a bunch of wood and some wires.Copy !req
60. Wood and wires?Copy !req
61. I've had Betsy since high school.Copy !req
62. I took her to the prom.Copy !req
63. I love this guitar.Copy !req
64. Do you understand what I'm saying?Copy !req
65. Do you understand what love means?Copy !req
66. Yes. I love my family.Copy !req
67. Yeah, now you're getting it.Copy !req
68. That's the kind of love I have for Betsy.Copy !req
69. I'm going back to sleep.Copy !req
70. You coming?Copy !req
71. Uh-uh. I'm already up.Copy !req
72. Besides, I wouldn't want
to make Betsy jealous.Copy !req
73. Luanne, would you please
not sit like that?Copy !req
74. I sell propaneCopy !req
75. and propane accessories.Copy !req
76. I tell you what.Copy !req
77. - Shut up, Dale.Copy !req
78. - Oh. Ah, ah, ah!Copy !req
79. Aah! Willie, no!Copy !req
80. That's a one-way street!Copy !req
81. Cripes, Bobby, what happened to my truck?Copy !req
82. Your mower hit it.Copy !req
83. Well, maybe I ought to send my mowerCopy !req
84. to one of those children psychologists.Copy !req
85. Are you mad about something, Aunt Peggy?Copy !req
86. Mad? Why would I be mad?Copy !req
87. - Just because Hank pays more attention...Copy !req
88. to that silly guitar
than he does to me.Copy !req
89. Lay off the gas, Aunt Peg.Copy !req
90. If I break another nail,
I'll fail my manicure final.Copy !req
91. Are you having trouble
at the beauty academy, Luanne?Copy !req
92. No.Copy !req
93. I'm also failing braidwork.Copy !req
94. Braidwork does not come
natural to the womenCopy !req
95. in our family, honey.Copy !req
96. You know it, I know itCopy !req
97. and the whole town knows it.Copy !req
98. - Sounds like your horn's going off.Copy !req
99. You really think so, Bill?Copy !req
100. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
101. Darn it, Hank.Copy !req
102. You know I can't have loud, sudden noisesCopy !req
103. while I'm meditating.Copy !req
104. I was a nose hair away from
attaining inner peace.Copy !req
105. - Yaah!Copy !req
106. Don't even try to take credit for that.Copy !req
107. It was not done by me.Copy !req
108. It was done through me.Copy !req
109. What is that "chinging" noise?Copy !req
110. One of those stealth helicoptersCopy !req
111. with computerized noise
cancellation capability.Copy !req
112. They're still working the "chings" out.Copy !req
113. How'd you know about stealth helicopters?Copy !req
114. - Alt. Conspiracy. Black. Helicopters.Copy !req
115. Yeah, man, I tell you what,
that dang old internet man.Copy !req
116. You just go on in there and
point in click.Copy !req
117. Get in there and talk about www. wcallme...Copy !req
118. You got them naked chicks on there, man.Copy !req
119. You go click, click, click...Copy !req
120. - It's real easy, man.Copy !req
121. Bobby, give me that club!Copy !req
122. Son, maybe I'm not getting through to you.Copy !req
123. Let me explain.Copy !req
124. You got to respect other people's things.Copy !req
125. You do not use a man's pitching wedgeCopy !req
126. to hit clumps of mud.Copy !req
127. It's not mud, dad.Copy !req
128. It's dog doo.Copy !req
129. - That boy ain't right.Copy !req
130. - Ho yeah!Copy !req
131. Excellent workout.Copy !req
132. I got my rotator cuff rotating.Copy !req
133. My face feels weird.Copy !req
134. Carlos!Copy !req
135. "Carlos"?Copy !req
136. You name your things, I'll name mine.Copy !req
137. Well, what about that thing named Bobby?Copy !req
138. What are we going to do about him?Copy !req
139. He seems bent on destroyingCopy !req
140. everything I own.Copy !req
141. Why can't he turn that energy
into something useful?Copy !req
142. Like that boy with no legs
who ran across Canada?Copy !req
143. Maybe you need
to spend some time together.Copy !req
144. You know, just talking,
you and Bobby, man-o a man-o.Copy !req
145. Well, I can't now.Copy !req
146. I'm going golfing.Copy !req
147. Well, take him with you.Copy !req
148. Peg, we're riding a full 18 holes today.Copy !req
149. You know what that kind
of stress can do to a boy?Copy !req
150. Bobby, I apologize for yelling at you.Copy !req
151. But sometimes you just don't listen.Copy !req
152. It's like you got a problem
with concentration.Copy !req
153. Bobby?Copy !req
154. Bobby?Copy !req
155. - Bobby!Copy !req
156. Hey, you just killed me!Copy !req
157. Well, you needed killing.Copy !req
158. You know, I've been thinking, son,Copy !req
159. and I realized you don't have any goals.Copy !req
160. You got to figure outCopy !req
161. what you want to do with your life.Copy !req
162. Okay. Can we go to six flags?Copy !req
163. I think you need a role model, Bobby.Copy !req
164. Someone to emulate...Copy !req
165. - A hero.Copy !req
166. Someone besides that broccoli neck.Copy !req
167. Hmm... How about Eddie Stillson?Copy !req
168. Can I emulate him?Copy !req
169. Now, there you go, Eddie Stillson.Copy !req
170. Which one's he?
Is he the space shuttle astronautCopy !req
171. or the stock car champ?Copy !req
172. He got to the end of level sixCopy !req
173. in Scream Ninja.Copy !req
174. Bobby, when I say "Hero",Copy !req
175. I don't mean some weird Gameboy freak.Copy !req
176. If you don't watch itCopy !req
177. you're going to end up
like Jason Adderly's boy.Copy !req
178. Deal me out this hand, Jason.Copy !req
179. I'm about to bust.Copy !req
180. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
this was the bath...Copy !req
181. Aah! Good lord!Copy !req
182. You know Howard Adderly?Copy !req
183. He's my number-two hero
after Eddie Stillson.Copy !req
184. Bobby, you need to be lectured
all afternoon.Copy !req
185. Peggy, I'm taking the boy
golfing, and that's that.Copy !req
186. Careful now, Peggy.Copy !req
187. Betsy isn't strapped in yet.Copy !req
188. Oh, do not tell me you are taking
that thing golfing with you now.Copy !req
189. Don't be silly, Peg.Copy !req
190. Just bringing her in to get fixed.Copy !req
191. Sit in the middle, son.Copy !req
192. I want to make sure Betsy's
in front of the airbag.Copy !req
193. So, Bobby,
we got to think of a hero for you.Copy !req
194. Do you have a hero, dad?Copy !req
195. - I sure do, and it's Willie Nelson.Copy !req
196. How come?Copy !req
197. Well, you might sayCopy !req
198. he's been my inspiration.Copy !req
199. You see, Willie grew up in TexasCopy !req
200. and I grew up in Texas.Copy !req
201. He loves golfing and playing guitarCopy !req
202. I love golfing and playing guitar.Copy !req
203. He's had trouble with the I.R.S.Copy !req
204. And I must have spent six hours
last April on that 1040 form.Copy !req
205. Easy my ass.Copy !req
206. Do you have a hero like that?Copy !req
207. Uh... Willie Nelson?Copy !req
208. You're just saying Willie Nelson
because I said Willie Nelson.Copy !req
209. No, I like Willie Nelson.Copy !req
210. He's got long hair.Copy !req
211. He's alternative.Copy !req
212. Now you take that back.Copy !req
213. I followed that man from
country western to countryCopy !req
214. to adult contemporaryCopy !req
215. and that's as far as I'm going.Copy !req
216. Here, son, take a look at that.Copy !req
217. That's Willie Nelson's
own personal golf course.Copy !req
218. I am going to show
that braiding machineCopy !req
219. who's boss, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
220. - Go on, Luanne.Copy !req
221. Show this town
there's a braider in the family.Copy !req
222. I'm not scared of you.Copy !req
223. This time I'm going to beat you
at your own game.Copy !req
224. Miss Kremzer?Copy !req
225. Someone?Copy !req
226. It's the bridge, isn't it?Copy !req
227. Well, the bridge is the symptom.Copy !req
228. Fret asymmetry is the disease.Copy !req
229. Smells like a belly button.Copy !req
230. Yeah, my son was playing it
with a piece of cheese.Copy !req
231. You mean, like Celery Head?Copy !req
232. Look, I'm Camembert Humperdink.Copy !req
233. Les, go in the backCopy !req
234. and alphabetize the guitar strings.Copy !req
235. Alphabetize by letter or...?Copy !req
236. Les.Copy !req
237. - Okay.
- All right.Copy !req
238. Cheese or not, this is
a sweet, sweet guitar.Copy !req
239. Is she for sale?Copy !req
240. Not hardly.Copy !req
241. Just fix the bridge, Earl.Copy !req
242. Oh, didn't think so.Copy !req
243. Most guys would sell their wives before
they'd sell a guitar like this.Copy !req
244. I got to remember that one.Copy !req
245. Oh, heck, I got a million of them.Copy !req
246. Like, women are a lot like a guitar.Copy !req
247. They both come with strings attached.Copy !req
248. Oh, actually,Copy !req
249. I guess those are the only two.Copy !req
250. Most women would be threatened
by Betsy, but not me. I don't care.Copy !req
251. And I would like to see
that guitar come homeCopy !req
252. and chicken-fry steak
after substitute teaching all day.Copy !req
253. - Ow!Copy !req
254. Why thank you, Mrs. Helman.Copy !req
255. - Santa Claus!Copy !req
256. What are you talking about?Copy !req
257. Santa Claus.Copy !req
258. He could be the boy's hero.Copy !req
259. In one 24-hour period,Copy !req
260. he delivers toys and joy
to every child on earth.Copy !req
261. Santa Claus is for babies.Copy !req
262. You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch.Copy !req
263. - Yah!Copy !req
264. Darn Russian titanium alloy...Copy !req
265. Hm. Maybe it's just first hole jitters.Copy !req
266. You got any tips, Boomhauer?Copy !req
267. Yeah, man, I'll tell you what you do, man.Copy !req
268. You just keep that dang old
arm straight, man.Copy !req
269. Y'all put your left hand still, man.Copy !req
270. Just speed it the heck up.Copy !req
271. Let's roll.Copy !req
272. - Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
273. Oh, man.Copy !req
274. I'm out of cigarettes.Copy !req
275. Dang, oh,
y'all just hit the hedges.Copy !req
276. Fore!Copy !req
277. Mr. Gribble, who's your all-time hero?Copy !req
278. You are, if you get me some smokes.Copy !req
279. So the stripper says to the priest...Copy !req
280. Bill, the boy.Copy !req
281. Uh, she says, "I, uh, decided
to repent and, uh...Copy !req
282. Become a nun."Copy !req
283. A dang ol' nun.Copy !req
284. Tell you what, man.Copy !req
285. That's pretty funny.Copy !req
286. Hey, dad, watch this.Copy !req
287. No, no, son, don't.Copy !req
288. All right, Bobby!Copy !req
289. Well, I'll be.Copy !req
290. Son, you just might be
the next Lee TrevinoCopy !req
291. without the crazy accent.Copy !req
292. Tell you what, I'm going
to let you tee off on this hole.Copy !req
293. Okay.Copy !req
294. That's okay, Bobby.Copy !req
295. You can do it.Copy !req
296. Just choke up on it.Copy !req
297. And swing less like a girl.Copy !req
298. Aagh!Copy !req
299. - Can I get a do-over?Copy !req
300. Bobby, hop in.Copy !req
301. - Hank, dispose of the witnesses.Copy !req
302. Dale, come back here.Copy !req
303. Willie Nelson!Copy !req
304. - Check his pockets for cigarettes.Copy !req
305. Willie Nelson!Copy !req
306. Oh, my lord, are you okay?Copy !req
307. Am I bleeding from the ears?Copy !req
308. No.Copy !req
309. Then I must be okay then.Copy !req
310. Oh, Mr. Nelson,Copy !req
311. I am so sorry.Copy !req
312. My boy's new to golfing.Copy !req
313. Oh, gosh, I'm your biggest fan.Copy !req
314. I go to every concert I can.Copy !req
315. I've been to every farm-aid except one.Copy !req
316. I don't much care for that Bryan Adams.Copy !req
317. Darn, I wish I had my guitar here with me
for you to sign.Copy !req
318. Uh, here.Copy !req
319. Why don't you make it out to...?Copy !req
320. Uh, let's say... "To my best friend."Copy !req
321. No, no, I don't want you to lie.Copy !req
322. - "To my good friend..."Copy !req
323. - Uh... Hmm...Copy !req
324. "To my number-one fan, Hank hill."Copy !req
325. - Uh... Hey, hey, Willie.Copy !req
326. You know, I play guitar, too.Copy !req
327. I also play golf
but you already know that.Copy !req
328. But you probably don't know you're, uh...Copy !req
329. You're my hero.Copy !req
330. He took our cart.Copy !req
331. Was he bleeding from the ears?Copy !req
332. No.Copy !req
333. He must be okay then.Copy !req
334. - You don't understand, Peg.Copy !req
335. A man only gets a chance
to meet Willie Nelson once in his life.Copy !req
336. It's supposed to be special.Copy !req
337. - We meet on the golf course.Copy !req
338. He compliments my perfect swing.Copy !req
339. We start talking about music,
cut an album, go on tourCopy !req
340. open a chicken franchise.Copy !req
341. How's that going to happen now?Copy !req
342. It's my fault forever,
taking the boy with me.Copy !req
343. I said I was sorry.Copy !req
344. Um, are you Hank Hill?Copy !req
345. Uh... Yes.Copy !req
346. I'm tired of being lack of focus.Copy !req
347. I'm going to show theml can do better.Copy !req
348. I'm going to make my dad proud.Copy !req
349. I'm going to not tell dad about that.Copy !req
350. Hey, is that Ben Crenshaw turbo golf?Copy !req
351. Yeah.Copy !req
352. Ah! I can never get it pastCopy !req
353. the bunker on the third hole.Copy !req
354. Try letting it go just below the mark
on your drive.Copy !req
355. Hey, you're the kid that rakes my lawn.Copy !req
356. No, I'm the kid who hit you in the head.Copy !req
357. With a rake?Copy !req
358. No, with a golf club.Copy !req
359. You've been raking with a golf club?Copy !req
360. I want my quarter back.Copy !req
361. Hill Residence.Copy !req
362. Dad, guess where I am.Copy !req
363. I don't know. Let's see...Copy !req
364. Crushing Dwight Yoakum's
voice box with my five iron?Copy !req
365. I'm at Willie Nelson's,
and he wants you to come over.Copy !req
366. Son, you're teasing
the gorilla in the monkey house.Copy !req
367. Willie Nelson here...Copy !req
368. practically blind in one eye nowCopy !req
369. but I got your son here...Copy !req
370. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Nelson.Copy !req
371. Bobby's never stalked anyone before.Copy !req
372. - And he's not very good at it.Copy !req
373. I mean, well, he shouldn't
be stalking anybody.Copy !req
374. I'll come get him right away.Copy !req
375. Bobby!Copy !req
376. Bobby!Copy !req
377. Out of my way, rooster boy.Copy !req
378. Betsy?Copy !req
379. What the...?Copy !req
380. Hey, dad.Copy !req
381. Hey, Hank, Bobby's been telling me
all about you.Copy !req
382. I hear you're a guitar playerCopy !req
383. and that you've got a narrow urethra.Copy !req
384. Bobby...Copy !req
385. Yeah. And he had me autograph your guitar.Copy !req
386. You signed my guitar?Copy !req
387. "To my number-one fan. Willie Nelson."Copy !req
388. The fox chases the rabbitCopy !req
389. around the tree trunk and into the hole.Copy !req
390. I was so close.Copy !req
391. Hill Residence.Copy !req
392. Peggy, you'll never guess,Copy !req
393. I'm at Willie Nelson's house.Copy !req
394. He says we're all invited to his barbecue.Copy !req
395. Gee, I'd love to come, Hank,Copy !req
396. but Ann Richards
and I are doing our toenails.Copy !req
397. I don't think so, Peggy.Copy !req
398. I'm looking at Ann Richards right now.Copy !req
399. And she's playing tetherball
with one of my roadies.Copy !req
400. See? That was him.Copy !req
401. Oh, my lord, what do I wear?Copy !req
402. It doesn't matter, Peg.
Wear any old thing.Copy !req
403. Oh, just don't forget to bring Betsy's
orange woven shoulder strap.Copy !req
404. Betsy sure is a beaut, Hank.Copy !req
405. I think trigger's getting jealous.Copy !req
406. Why, thank you, Willie.Copy !req
407. It sure means a lot coming from you.Copy !req
408. You know what they say...Copy !req
409. "I'd sell my wife before
I'd sell my guitar."Copy !req
410. I tell you what, man.Copy !req
411. You did that dang old "Mr. Tambourine Man"Copy !req
412. talk about "come play a song for me".Copy !req
413. You know, then you changed
your name to ZimmermanCopy !req
414. and y'all born again.Copy !req
415. Well, a whole bunch of kids
are going around.Copy !req
416. Mad dog denim going platinum, who knows?Copy !req
417. Accounting firms and dang old Boomhauer.Copy !req
418. Uh, ma'am, you're going to wantCopy !req
419. to angle that glass.Copy !req
420. Uh-uh.Copy !req
421. You're blowing it.Copy !req
422. You're going to get nothing but foam.Copy !req
423. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
424. Yep.Copy !req
425. You know, Mr. Hopper,
I just loved you in that movie.Copy !req
426. You know, the one
where you played a mad villain.Copy !req
427. Come on, Peggy, you wild thing.Copy !req
428. Let's drive straight down to Mexico, huh?Copy !req
429. Come on, right this minute.Copy !req
430. Mexico? I wonder what a wife
goes for down there, huh?Copy !req
431. One guitar? Two guitars?Copy !req
432. I will have to ask Hank.Copy !req
433. Los mariachis son diablos.Copy !req
434. He's not treating you right, Peggy.Copy !req
435. A delicate flower like you.Copy !req
436. You want me to kick his ass?Copy !req
437. Oh, you are so sweet to offer, Dennis,Copy !req
438. but Hank would flatten you out like a bug.Copy !req
439. No, this is something Peggy Hill
has to handle on her own.Copy !req
440. - Hoo yeah!Copy !req
441. You go, girl!Copy !req
442. That's some boy you got there, Hank.Copy !req
443. Well, it's nice of you
to say that, Willie,Copy !req
444. but Bobby's got no direction
in life, no heroes.Copy !req
445. When I was his age, I worshipped you...Copy !req
446. And Jesus, of course.Copy !req
447. Ever think you're too tough on the boy?Copy !req
448. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
449. Just today, he chipped Betsy's bridge,Copy !req
450. ran into my truck with the mower,Copy !req
451. dinged up my favorite wedge,Copy !req
452. then dinged you up worse.Copy !req
453. Well, now hold on there, Hank.Copy !req
454. You think about it.Copy !req
455. Bobby wants to play your guitar,Copy !req
456. ride your mower and swing your golf club.Copy !req
457. I believe that kid does have a heroCopy !req
458. - and his name is Hank Hall.Copy !req
459. Uh... Hill.Copy !req
460. - Uh, yeah, right.Copy !req
461. - Bobby...Copy !req
462. - Bobby! Bobby!Copy !req
463. What?Copy !req
464. I just want to, uh...Copy !req
465. Thank you for helping me meet my heroCopy !req
466. and having him sign my guitar.Copy !req
467. I helped him put ointment in his eye.Copy !req
468. Now, I'm going to show you somethingCopy !req
469. you can do with a guitar
that doesn't involve cheese.Copy !req
470. This is a song I wrote a long time ago.Copy !req
471. Well, uh, then it just sort of goes offCopy !req
472. into a buddy holly riff.Copy !req
473. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
474. Peggy, uh, oh, I didn't
realize you were there.Copy !req
475. Here, Bobby. Go practice.Copy !req
476. Are you sure it's okay for me...?Copy !req
477. Git.Copy !req
478. I was headed over hereCopy !req
479. to knock you six ways from
Sunday with that guitar.Copy !req
480. Then I get here and you're playingCopy !req
481. that old song of yours and...Copy !req
482. Well... I love you, propane man.Copy !req
483. You braided that perfect, Luanne.Copy !req
484. But next time lighten up
a little on the glitter spray.Copy !req
485. What's that cord you hit on the...Copy !req
486. Just kind of hold it
just a little longer...Copy !req
487. Once we go to F.Copy !req
488. Now?Copy !req
489. That's a good spot.Copy !req