1. Hey, me and Dale are taking
Bobby's troop up by the lakeCopy !req
2. for order of the straight arrow
this weekend.Copy !req
3. Y'all want to come, for old time's sake?Copy !req
4. Well, of course I'll go.Copy !req
5. I'll never miss an order
of the straight arrow…Copy !req
6. Not since ours.Copy !req
7. Yeah, ours was something special.Copy !req
8. Now, for the final test.Copy !req
9. The snipe hunt.Copy !req
10. Not going to sugarcoat it.Copy !req
11. Some of you ain't coming back.Copy !req
12. Those who survive will be honored members.Copy !req
13. Of the order of the straight arrow.Copy !req
14. Those who don't will be dead.Copy !req
15. Are you ready?Copy !req
16. Yeah! Uh…Copy !req
17. Oh.Copy !req
18. You flunked the test of silence, Eustis.Copy !req
19. Give me your silence stick.Copy !req
20. For the rest of your long, miserable life,Copy !req
21. you will carry the scar of failure.Copy !req
22. Now, go get me a beer.Copy !req
23. And you boys, get out there
and bag some snipe.Copy !req
24. Snipe!Copy !req
25. Shut up, Dale. There is no snipe.Copy !req
26. I heard my dad talking to your dad.Copy !req
27. So what are we doing out here?Copy !req
28. We're gonna get snackered
I tell you what, boys.Copy !req
29. I want to get all messed up
and'li just pollute our mindsCopy !req
30. is a three cheeks of down wind, man.Copy !req
31. Yeah, that's the good stuff.Copy !req
32. When I grow up I'm going to drink
this stuff every dayCopy !req
33. just like my dad and fly jets
and maybe even be an astronaut.Copy !req
34. I'm going to live in LondonCopy !req
35. and be a rich millionaire
and have people killed.Copy !req
36. I'm going to sell propane
and propane accessoriesCopy !req
37. if my grades are good enough.Copy !req
38. Oh, kids and their crazy dreams.Copy !req
39. I'm so depressed I can't even blink.Copy !req
40. Well, we're going to make some menCopy !req
41. out of those 12-year-old boys
tomorrow. I tell you what.Copy !req
42. But we still get to play
practical jokes, right?Copy !req
43. They're not jokes, Bill.Copy !req
44. They're painful lessons.Copy !req
45. I thank my father for all
the tricks he played on me.Copy !req
46. He taught me the most wonderful
lesson a child can learn,Copy !req
47. never trust nobody.Copy !req
48. That's how I know Bob Dole's
faking that dead arm.Copy !req
49. I tell you what you do, man,
that dang old hand in the water trickCopy !req
50. is gonna work every time.Copy !req
51. Man, you just put it
in the water like that. And it don't.Copy !req
52. They'd spend a whole dad-gum day like that
cleanin' that dang pee-pee.Copy !req
53. Ah, but… Those are getting tired.Copy !req
54. We need some new material.Copy !req
55. Dad, can me and Bobby
bring life preservers?Copy !req
56. If you want to be sissies.Copy !req
57. He said yes.Copy !req
58. Hey, Dale, there's your wife's, uh…Copy !req
59. Healer.Copy !req
60. Yeah, John Redcorn.
Let's get some funny Indian stuff to do.Copy !req
61. Hey, John Redcorn.Copy !req
62. Hank, Dale, Bill, Boomhauer.Copy !req
63. John Redcorn, we've got this Order
of the Straight Arrow Retreat tomorrow.Copy !req
64. And I was wondering…Copy !req
65. I'd be honored to look after your wife.Copy !req
66. Oh. Well, gee, thanks.Copy !req
67. But what I was really wondering is
if you had some good Indian stuffCopy !req
68. for the ceremony around the campfire.Copy !req
69. Hmm. Our rituals are considered sacredCopy !req
70. and are passed down only in the nation.Copy !req
71. Oh, well, that don't bother us.Copy !req
72. Hell, no. We'll take a sacred one.Copy !req
73. There is a very ancient ceremony
I learned from my grandfather.Copy !req
74. We call upon the sacred wumatanya.Copy !req
75. And we ask him to breathe life
into our spirit bag.Copy !req
76. Let's see, spirit bags, Wumatanya,Copy !req
77. funny-looking headband…Copy !req
78. Oh, the boys are gonna eat this stuff up.Copy !req
79. The spirit bag is very sacred.Copy !req
80. You should not make light.Copy !req
81. I like how you say everything's sacred.Copy !req
82. That's funny, too.Copy !req
83. Let's do that, Hank.Copy !req
84. I got a bunch of ladies'
tennis socks we can useCopy !req
85. for spirit bags.Copy !req
86. I got them in the divorce.Copy !req
87. Now every time she plays,Copy !req
88. she gets blisters.Copy !req
89. It's been six years, Bill.Copy !req
90. Don't you think she'd have bought
some new socks by now?Copy !req
91. Mm-hm.Copy !req
92. I want to get that
straight arrow patch so bad.Copy !req
93. I'm going to put it right here.Copy !req
94. Next to my sewing badge.Copy !req
95. It's supposed to be hard.Copy !req
96. I heard they make you walk on hot coalsCopy !req
97. and then you have to eat them.Copy !req
98. Ew!Copy !req
99. After you walk on them?Copy !req
100. Hell, that's hot.Copy !req
101. - Hell, you're not kidding.
- Fu…Copy !req
102. Pardonez me!
Did I just hear what I almost heard?Copy !req
103. I was going to say.Copy !req
104. "Fu… Get about it."Copy !req
105. Son, Peggy Hill knows half
a swear word when she hears one.Copy !req
106. Now, go to sleep.Copy !req
107. You have the coolest mom.Copy !req
108. She smells like miracle whip.Copy !req
109. Hey, guys.Copy !req
110. - Eustis.
- Hey, Eustis.Copy !req
111. Hey, useless.Copy !req
112. Hmm. Ha-ha.Copy !req
113. All right, Randy.Copy !req
114. Remember the purpose of this weekend
is to have fun.Copy !req
115. Daddy loves you whether you
Get your straight arrow patch or not.Copy !req
116. Huh. What a load.Copy !req
117. Can you imagine how I'd have turned out
if my dad had loved me no matter what?Copy !req
118. - Thanks for the bus fare, Aunt Peggy.
- Don't be silly, honey.Copy !req
119. It's important that you
be there for your mama.Copy !req
120. This is her big day.Copy !req
121. Well, actually, her big day
is the sentencing.Copy !req
122. This is just the arraignment.Copy !req
123. Here's a funsaver.Copy !req
124. Take lots of pictures.Copy !req
125. Well, okay.Copy !req
126. There we go.Copy !req
127. Have a good time.Copy !req
128. Here's a funsaver. Take lots of pictures.Copy !req
129. Gosh, Peg, if I didn't know better
I'd think you were anxious to see us go.Copy !req
130. Well, that is not true.
You and bobby are my whole life.Copy !req
131. Come on, kids, let's go!Copy !req
132. Everybody in the car! Andale!Copy !req
133. Now!Copy !req
134. Hold on, boys.Copy !req
135. Before we go
we have to ask the great spirit, uh…Copy !req
136. Wumatanya to watch over us on this trip.Copy !req
137. - Cool.
- Ooh. Indian stuff.Copy !req
138. Wumatanya.Copy !req
139. This trip is about
the sacredness of mother earthCopy !req
140. and all she gives usCopy !req
141. so, pee now, 'cause once we're on the road
we ain't stopping.Copy !req
142. I'll see you Sunday, Peg.Copy !req
143. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, bye-bye.Copy !req
144. Oh, damn it.Copy !req
145. Looks like we're delayed a couple hours.Copy !req
146. I got to charge up the battery.Copy !req
147. Pop the clutch, hon!Copy !req
148. Wumatanya. Let's spot license plates.Copy !req
149. I see Texas. Wumatanya.Copy !req
150. Wumatanya. There's another
Texas. Wumatanya.Copy !req
151. Wumatanya. I see Texas. Wumatanya.Copy !req
152. Oh, God.Copy !req
153. Wumatanya. Texas. Wumatanya.Copy !req
154. Would you guys just shut up?Copy !req
155. You didn't say wumatanya.Copy !req
156. Oh.Copy !req
157. Boomhauer, pass them. I got an idea.Copy !req
158. Pass them up.Copy !req
159. Whoo-hoo.Copy !req
160. Wumatanya.
I see Mr. Gribble's butt. Wumatanya.Copy !req
161. Give 'em
a little pressed ham. Woo!Copy !req
162. Wumatanya. I see Texas. Wumatanya.Copy !req
163. All right, that's it.Copy !req
164. Everybody pile out, Right now.Copy !req
165. Okay, the 24-hour oath
of silence starts now.Copy !req
166. Here are your silence sticks.Copy !req
167. Those are Slim Jims.Copy !req
168. That's what the white man calls them.Copy !req
169. Wumatanya calls them silence sticks
to test your spirit of shutting up.Copy !req
170. Each time you talk, I take a bite.Copy !req
171. Talk five times and you're out.Copy !req
172. 24-hour silence starting now.Copy !req
173. Right now?Copy !req
174. Bobby, son, you just talked.Copy !req
175. Now, I'll let that pass,
but don't talk again.Copy !req
176. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
177. Son, give me that Slim Jim.Copy !req
178. Oh, ah!Copy !req
179. Oh.Copy !req
180. I'm hungry.Copy !req
181. No problem.Copy !req
182. Mr. Hill, wake up!Copy !req
183. Ha! That was a test.Copy !req
184. Joseph, give Mr. Dauterive
a bite of your silence stick.Copy !req
185. Remember, kids,Copy !req
186. you never know when
you're going to be tested.Copy !req
187. Now, who else is hungry?Copy !req
188. I am.Copy !req
189. Gotcha.Copy !req
190. Bobby, Randy, Garth,Copy !req
191. pass your silence sticks up.Copy !req
192. - See, kids, it's harder than you think.
- Mm.Copy !req
193. You don't want to end up like Randy's dad.Copy !req
194. My dad's a successful patent lawyer.Copy !req
195. Not in the eyes of wumatanya.Copy !req
196. I'm still hungry.Copy !req
197. Who wants a dollar? Say "me."Copy !req
198. Me.Copy !req
199. Well, these things are addictive.Copy !req
200. Lord, Bobby, watch out, son.Copy !req
201. You've lost more chaws than anybody.Copy !req
202. Now, don't talk, no matter what.Copy !req
203. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
204. Wumatanya. Mr. Gribble's
not wearing his seat…Copy !req
205. Bobby! You just got four in a row.Copy !req
206. One more bite and you
can't make straight arrow.Copy !req
207. I'll take that jerky now.Copy !req
208. Here it is, boys, the great outdoors.Copy !req
209. Thanks to our efforts, we have
preserved the nesting areasCopy !req
210. for the Texas spotted owl.Copy !req
211. The snail darter
and the endangered whooping crane,Copy !req
212. and we eliminated 300 logging jobs.Copy !req
213. - Yeah, right on, man.
- Right on.Copy !req
214. And also, this note, people.Copy !req
215. The brown herbal ecstasy is bad.Copy !req
216. Do not, I repeat, do not take
the brown herbal ecstasy.Copy !req
217. Thank you all.Copy !req
218. Oh, man, what kind of
lefty hootenanny is this?Copy !req
219. Look at that one bouncing around
in front of god and everybody.Copy !req
220. Would it kill a tree if she wore a bra?Copy !req
221. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
222. I'm beginning to think this silence thing
is just so we don't bother them.Copy !req
223. They're not testing anything
except for how dumb we are.Copy !req
224. - It's all a trick.
- My dad wouldn't trick us!Copy !req
225. "My dad wouldn't trick us."Copy !req
226. Wumatanya!Copy !req
227. Wumatanya.
Who wants another beer? Wumatanya.Copy !req
228. I am kicking elk.Copy !req
229. As long as the sacred fire is burning,Copy !req
230. the Oath of Silence is suspended.Copy !req
231. - Whew!
- Thank the lord.Copy !req
232. - My lips are stuck together.
- Shut up. I'm talking here.Copy !req
233. We of the order of the straight arrowCopy !req
234. call upon the spirit wumatanya,Copy !req
235. protector of the sacred groundCopy !req
236. that brings us cool water to drink,Copy !req
237. and energy-efficient,
clean-burning propane gasCopy !req
238. for all our sacred heating
and cooking needs.Copy !req
239. Wumatanya says respect the earth.Copy !req
240. She's ours, by god.
Our taxes paid for her.Copy !req
241. Also, uh, it says here you've got to love
all her creatures.Copy !req
242. Uh, let's see.Copy !req
243. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
244. Though we walk through
the valley of the shadow of death.Copy !req
245. You're going to recommend us
to the spirit in the sky.Copy !req
246. With liberty and justice for all.Copy !req
247. Wumatanya is with youCopy !req
248. and with Texas.Copy !req
249. Amen.Copy !req
250. Amen.Copy !req
251. I'd like a room, please.Copy !req
252. Name?Copy !req
253. I am Senora Gracia Ibanez.Copy !req
254. And I will be paying in cash.Copy !req
255. Now we will say the oathCopy !req
256. of the order of the straight arrow.Copy !req
257. A straight arrow tells the truth.Copy !req
258. A straight arrow loves nature.Copy !req
259. A straight arrow is against Bill HR 57Copy !req
260. to allow the importation
of South American propane.Copy !req
261. Wumatanya.Copy !req
262. And now for the final test,Copy !req
263. the snipe hunt.Copy !req
264. You are about to come face to faceCopy !req
265. with the deadliest beast in creation.Copy !req
266. Those who survive will be honored membersCopy !req
267. of the order of the straight arrow.Copy !req
268. And those who don't will be dead.Copy !req
269. Oh, wumatanya, protect us on our hunt.Copy !req
270. All right. This here's your whup-ass stickCopy !req
271. to beat the snipe back
in case he comes at you.Copy !req
272. Wh… What does a snipe look like?Copy !req
273. It's got red, glowing eyes,
long, crooked teethCopy !req
274. a claw and a tailCopy !req
275. with another claw on the end.Copy !req
276. Easy, Dale.Copy !req
277. Bill and I will take the lead.Copy !req
278. Boomhauer and Dale will bring up the rear.Copy !req
279. Remember, the snipe call is this.Copy !req
280. Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.Copy !req
281. Well, call him out, boys.Copy !req
282. He's not just going to show up.Copy !req
283. Woo-loo-loo, woo-loo-loo.Copy !req
284. Ooh, I think I hear him.Copy !req
285. Look out, Bill. He almost got you.Copy !req
286. Ooh!Copy !req
287. Woo-loo-loo.Copy !req
288. Woo-loo-loo. Woo-loo-loo.Copy !req
289. They'll be out there another hour.Copy !req
290. Then we'll go get them.Copy !req
291. Boy, this takes me back.Copy !req
292. I got one!Copy !req
293. I got one!Copy !req
294. What the?Copy !req
295. What are you talking about?Copy !req
296. Oh, my lord.Copy !req
297. That's a whooping crane.Copy !req
298. Hmm, there's only five
of those left in the world.Copy !req
299. Well, four now.Copy !req
300. Then we should be thankfulCopy !req
301. we got the opportunity to see one.Copy !req
302. Now you done it.Copy !req
303. Now you really gone and done it.Copy !req
304. What do you mean "You"?Copy !req
305. We're all in this together.Copy !req
306. Whoa, no.Copy !req
307. Me and Boomhauer came on our own tripCopy !req
308. in our own conveyance.Copy !req
309. You and I may be acquainted,Copy !req
310. but we are not traveling companions.Copy !req
311. I'm merely here to enjoy earth dayCopy !req
312. and play some hackey-sack.Copy !req
313. Dale, I'm going to need you
to give me the keys now.Copy !req
314. I can't believe it.Copy !req
315. It wasn't your fault, Bobby.Copy !req
316. You thought it was a snipe.Copy !req
317. We all did.Copy !req
318. It was.Copy !req
319. But wumatanya turned it
into a whooping crane,Copy !req
320. so I could live to get
my straight arrow badge.Copy !req
321. Bobby, don't you get it?Copy !req
322. Your dad made all that up.Copy !req
323. There's no such thing as a snipe.Copy !req
324. No!Copy !req
325. My dad is the arrow leader.Copy !req
326. He speaks only with honor.Copy !req
327. We'll ditch the carcass by the interstate
in the morning.Copy !req
328. Now let's just go to sleep.Copy !req
329. Yes, yes.Copy !req
330. We… We'll all just go to sleep now.Copy !req
331. Bill, get his pants and shoes.Copy !req
332. Ok'll doke.Copy !req
333. Sir?Copy !req
334. Huh?Copy !req
335. Huh-uh-huh-huh.Copy !req
336. Sir, I'm sorry to disturb you.Copy !req
337. I'm with the forestry service,
and we're lookingCopy !req
338. for a missing whooping crane.Copy !req
339. Uh-huh, uh-huh.Copy !req
340. And, well, you see, the bird's tagged
with a little transmitter,Copy !req
341. and I've tracked it to within ten yards
of your campsite.Copy !req
342. You haven't seen it, have you?Copy !req
343. A whooping crane in these parts?Copy !req
344. I think I would have noticed
something like that.Copy !req
345. They're pretty rare, aren't they?Copy !req
346. Oh, yes. Very rare and beautiful.Copy !req
347. Sir, do you know anything about this?Copy !req
348. Yeah, man, tell you whatCopy !req
349. one of them snipes,
man, with that stick…Copy !req
350. That bag… Then whack! Whack! Man
and he'd go "Woo-loo"… big mistake.Copy !req
351. Right there in that cooler.Copy !req
352. Well, if you do see anything,Copy !req
353. you can contact the ranger station.Copy !req
354. How about you boys?Copy !req
355. Well, yeah, we saw…Copy !req
356. Uh… They can't talk for 24 hours.Copy !req
357. Order of the straight arrow, you know?Copy !req
358. Gotcha.Copy !req
359. I was in the order myself.Copy !req
360. Ah, the straight arrow
hasn't changed a bitCopy !req
361. since I was a boy.Copy !req
362. We got to get rid of this bird.Copy !req
363. What the…Copy !req
364. Wumatanya, wumatanya.Copy !req
365. Wumatanya.Copy !req
366. Bobby. Cripes!Copy !req
367. Put that thing down.Copy !req
368. Stop fooling around.Copy !req
369. We've got to bury that thing fast.Copy !req
370. We can't just bury it, Dad.Copy !req
371. Remember?Copy !req
372. Wumatanya wants us to honor
the bird's sacred spirit.Copy !req
373. And we will do just thatCopy !req
374. in the dumpster behind stuckey's.Copy !req
375. Now let's get out of here
before someone sees us.Copy !req
376. Murderers!Copy !req
377. I have got to tell the ranger.Copy !req
378. - Brock.
- Gracia.Copy !req
379. I almost could not get away.Copy !req
380. Amigo, it is time for some new zapatas.Copy !req
381. Or "shoes" as you say in your country.Copy !req
382. Senora, I have an Italian mock alligator.Copy !req
383. You are going to love.Copy !req
384. A size 16 for senora Ibanez, triple "E".Copy !req
385. Brock, you are a genius.Copy !req
386. Now, this is why I come
to lubbock's very big shoes.Copy !req
387. I'll have chuck and buzz carry the box
out to the car for you.Copy !req
388. I saw him waving it over
his head really proud.Copy !req
389. Mm-hm.Copy !req
390. I also heard that they were
hunting snipe last night.Copy !req
391. There is no snipe.Copy !req
392. My God! How many more species
have to be wiped out before we learn?Copy !req
393. Easy, easy.Copy !req
394. Don't draw attention. We're almost there.Copy !req
395. We're going to make it.Copy !req
396. What's that flapping sound?Copy !req
397. Taste the wind one last time, bird spirit.Copy !req
398. Bobby!Copy !req
399. There they are, the nature haters.Copy !req
400. Let's get them!Copy !req
401. Pull over right here by that culvert.Copy !req
402. Well, we can't stuff this bird in here.Copy !req
403. It'll never fit.Copy !req
404. You could eat it.Copy !req
405. Damn, and I filled up on silence sticks.Copy !req
406. Brother bird, I have
given you a last flightCopy !req
407. and made my peace with you.Copy !req
408. I release your spirit to wumatanya.Copy !req
409. Woo-loo-loo!Copy !req
410. Woo-loo-loo!Copy !req
411. Son, would you please knock it off?Copy !req
412. You're driving me nuts.Copy !req
413. There is no wumatanya.Copy !req
414. It's just some darn nonsenseCopy !req
415. we made up to fill out the weekend.Copy !req
416. Tell him, Dale.Copy !req
417. How do you know my name,Copy !req
418. crane killer?Copy !req
419. I never met any
of you people before in my life.Copy !req
420. Tell him, Bill.Copy !req
421. He's right, Bobby. It's all a crock.Copy !req
422. Those spirit bags of yours
are just my ex-wife's old socks.Copy !req
423. And, by the way, I want them back.Copy !req
424. So everything you said was all a lie?Copy !req
425. Yes. That's the secret of the snipe hunt.Copy !req
426. That's the whole point.Copy !req
427. Oh.Copy !req
428. I get it…Copy !req
429. I guess.Copy !req
430. Bobby, I didn't mean to let you down.Copy !req
431. I just…Copy !req
432. When Dale and Bill and Boomhauer and meCopy !req
433. went through this as kids,Copy !req
434. all the tricks and lies from our dads,Copy !req
435. they were part of the experience.Copy !req
436. It brought us all together.Copy !req
437. You know, us against them.Copy !req
438. I don't want to be against you.Copy !req
439. You're my dad.Copy !req
440. We're supposed to be on the same team.Copy !req
441. Of course we're on the same team,Copy !req
442. you and me.Copy !req
443. And now, team Hill is going to buryCopy !req
444. that whooping crane togetherCopy !req
445. and get out of this park
without getting caught.Copy !req
446. There they are.Copy !req
447. Sir, you lied to me.Copy !req
448. You lied to this little boy.Copy !req
449. And I don't know what you did
to this gentlemanCopy !req
450. in his underwear.Copy !req
451. I'm going to have to take you in
to the ranger station.Copy !req
452. Son, hand me the bird body.Copy !req
453. I need it for evidence.Copy !req
454. It's a miracle.Copy !req
455. Well, I'll be damned.Copy !req
456. Wumatanya!Copy !req
457. I guess knocking a crane unconscious
isn't a crime,Copy !req
458. although it's probably not good for them!Copy !req
459. You're free to go.Copy !req
460. I knew you wouldn't lie to me, Dad.Copy !req
461. That was just the final test.Copy !req
462. Wumatanya does exist.Copy !req
463. The bird was just unconscious, Bobby.Copy !req
464. No. It was deadCopy !req
465. until I made wumatanya
bring it back to life.Copy !req
466. I'm a shaman.Copy !req
467. Oh, God, my head hurts.Copy !req
468. I can heal you, Dad.Copy !req
469. Woo-loo-loo!Copy !req
470. Woo-loo-loo!Copy !req
471. Well, welcome home, boys.
Did you have fun?Copy !req
472. Oh, don't ask.Copy !req
473. How was your weekend?Copy !req
474. My… Oh, same old, same old.Copy !req
475. Did you do some shopping?Copy !req
476. Mm-hmm, yeah.Copy !req
477. I bought a microwave.Copy !req
478. Boy, I tell you what
this family goes through microwavesCopy !req
479. quicker than most people go through shoes.Copy !req
480. Yeah, mm-hmm.Copy !req