1. Peggy?Copy !req
2. I'm in my office.Copy !req
3. Peggy.Copy !req
4. Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.Copy !req
5. Oh, Hank, is it your back again?Copy !req
6. Why won't you wear
that weight-lifting beltCopy !req
7. I got you for Christmas?Copy !req
8. It's not a belt, it's a girdle.Copy !req
9. Take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.Copy !req
10. Ooh, ahh.Copy !req
11. Icy. Icy.Copy !req
12. Ah, ha.Copy !req
13. Hot.Copy !req
14. All right.Copy !req
15. - Okay.
- Oh.Copy !req
16. Hey.Copy !req
17. Peggy, not in front of the b-o-y.Copy !req
18. I need both of you
to sign this permission slip.Copy !req
19. All righty.Copy !req
20. What's it for, son?Copy !req
21. Contact football?Copy !req
22. No, you're not old enough for that.Copy !req
23. Ringworm test?Copy !req
24. What?Copy !req
25. Sexual education?Copy !req
26. Where'd you get this?Copy !req
27. I told you, at school.Copy !req
28. Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry
until ninth grade health class.Copy !req
29. Nuh-uh. Principal wants to teach us a unitCopy !req
30. from some course they made up
in Washington, DC.Copy !req
31. Washington?Copy !req
32. Bobby, go to your room.Copy !req
33. Well, what are we going to do?Copy !req
34. Here's the first thing I'm going to do.Copy !req
35. I tell you what. There.Copy !req
36. No need for bobby to get all bothered up
learning about sexCopy !req
37. when he can't do a darn thing
about it anywayCopy !req
38. at his age… And with his features.Copy !req
39. Besides, it is not up
to the United States governmentCopy !req
40. to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.Copy !req
41. That's his parents' job.Copy !req
42. I agree.Copy !req
43. If anybody should teach
our boy about… that,Copy !req
44. it should be his parents.Copy !req
45. Something like that should, uh,
be taught in the home.Copy !req
46. Uh-huh. Where he lives.Copy !req
47. Absolutely.Copy !req
48. Yessiree.Copy !req
49. Well, you're the expert.Copy !req
50. Substitute teacher of the year, 1996
as I recall.Copy !req
51. Oh, Hank. I'm also a decent woman.Copy !req
52. I got my back out here, Peg.Copy !req
53. Bobby?Copy !req
54. Bobby, honey.Copy !req
55. Um… What do you know
about sexual relations?Copy !req
56. I don't know.Copy !req
57. Nothing much.Copy !req
58. I'm a little worried about being a slut.Copy !req
59. Uh-huh.Copy !req
60. Well… Bobby.Copy !req
61. Your father and I decided
that as your parentsCopy !req
62. that you and I should have a little talk
on the subject.Copy !req
63. You have noticed, I am sureCopy !req
64. that there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.Copy !req
65. I'm sure you know that.Copy !req
66. I mean, physically, boys are…Copy !req
67. They're different.Copy !req
68. They have something
that girls do not have.Copy !req
69. Yeah?Copy !req
70. You know…Copy !req
71. Something…Copy !req
72. You mean a penis?Copy !req
73. I didn't take sex ed In school.Copy !req
74. Come on, Boomhauer.Copy !req
75. If you're going to prune, prune.Copy !req
76. The army taught me everything
and in four different languages, too.Copy !req
77. Want to know how to get
a bar girl In the Philippines?Copy !req
78. The point is, there's no way
my son is learning the how-tos of romanceCopy !req
79. from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.Copy !req
80. Sume-ho!Copy !req
81. Or something like that.Copy !req
82. And, Dale, the same applies
to your Joseph.Copy !req
83. I'd tear that permission slip up
if I were you.Copy !req
84. I'll do that and then some.Copy !req
85. This sex ed stuff goes higher
than the schools.Copy !req
86. It's that same old club crone
zero population bull dinkCopy !req
87. that the UN's been trying for years.Copy !req
88. I tell you what, man,
this branch's fixing…Copy !req
89. It's going to be-be…Copy !req
90. Heads up!Copy !req
91. They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.Copy !req
92. That's when the Chinese'll come
marching in.Copy !req
93. All I'm saying isCopy !req
94. keep the government out
of the bedroom business.Copy !req
95. Teaching my boy
the facts of life is my job.Copy !req
96. - You got that right.
- Darn straight.Copy !req
97. Mm-hm.Copy !req
98. Hank, I couldn't get the words out.Copy !req
99. Oh, gee, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?Copy !req
100. I… Well…Copy !req
101. Maybe, you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.Copy !req
102. Yeah, man. I tell you what you talk
about them dang old condom dispenserCopy !req
103. with them be put a little
50 cents in there.Copy !req
104. And they try to hit that corner turn.Copy !req
105. And bang on that thing.
And talking about her needs.Copy !req
106. God, no. That's all right.Copy !req
107. I guess I'll do it.Copy !req
108. My daddy told me the facts of lifeCopy !req
109. when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.Copy !req
110. Yee-ha-ha!Copy !req
111. Hey, what you crying for, boy?Copy !req
112. It's a good show.Copy !req
113. This is a darn good show.Copy !req
114. Yeah.Copy !req
115. That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.Copy !req
116. Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.Copy !req
117. Oh, there we go.Copy !req
118. Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.Copy !req
119. Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.Copy !req
120. Well, he sure came to the right place.Copy !req
121. We call this machine the matchmaker 500.Copy !req
122. Now, Bobby, you're coming
to a time in your lifeCopy !req
123. when you're going to start to have
tender feelings for a girl.Copy !req
124. You're going to need to knowCopy !req
125. what those feelings mean
and what to do about it.Copy !req
126. Oh, my God.Copy !req
127. Where's the other half
of that permission slip?Copy !req
128. I'm sure they will do
a good job at school.Copy !req
129. The health teacher is
a trained professional.Copy !req
130. Uh-huh. Keep digging.Copy !req
131. Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that sex ed stuff.Copy !req
132. What do you mean?Copy !req
133. All you got to know isCopy !req
134. I took care of it.Copy !req
135. With one little phone call.Copy !req
136. Hey, Peg-leg.Copy !req
137. That was bobby's principal.Copy !req
138. Some right-wing maniac
called the health teacherCopy !req
139. with a death threat, and she quit.Copy !req
140. Oh, well.Copy !req
141. I'm sure it was just
some harmless nut case.Copy !req
142. Dang!Copy !req
143. Geez!Copy !req
144. Hey, on the bright side,Copy !req
145. since there's no one to teach
that sex ed course,Copy !req
146. we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.Copy !req
147. Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.Copy !req
148. They found the substitute
teacher of the year.Copy !req
149. Uh… 1995?Copy !req
150. 1996.Copy !req
151. Oh, my.Copy !req
152. Oh, lord.Copy !req
153. Oh, for goodness' sake.Copy !req
154. This beauty school homework
is hard, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
155. Aunt Peggy?Copy !req
156. Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.Copy !req
157. I was not paying attention.Copy !req
158. Listen to this chapter title.Copy !req
159. "The 14 stages of Arousal."Copy !req
160. And then you turn the page and…Copy !req
161. Oh, my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?Copy !req
162. That must be an old book
'cause now there's 18 stages.Copy !req
163. Oh, my.Copy !req
164. How am I going to say these words out loud
in front of a class?Copy !req
165. Let me see.Copy !req
166. "Self-exploration is
a perfectly natural exerciseCopy !req
167. throughout pubescence."Copy !req
168. What's so hard about that?Copy !req
169. Luanne, honey, tell meCopy !req
170. what is it like to live
without shame of any kind?Copy !req
171. Is it a good feeling?Copy !req
172. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
173. Well, I guess I am a little jealous.Copy !req
174. Things were very different
when I was a girl.Copy !req
175. Honey…Copy !req
176. You're at that special time of life.Copy !req
177. The time when a little girl
becomes a woman,Copy !req
178. and you start getting a monthly visitor.Copy !req
179. Who? Uncle Joe?Copy !req
180. My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.Copy !req
181. The Loveliness of Woman?Copy !req
182. There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.Copy !req
183. I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.Copy !req
184. Of course, he's dead now.Copy !req
185. Ooh, look, here's a chapterCopy !req
186. on communicating your needs
to your love partner.Copy !req
187. What kind of filth are you reading?Copy !req
188. It's Aunt Peggy's sex ed book.Copy !req
189. Say what?Copy !req
190. Let me take a look at that.Copy !req
191. What in the heck?Copy !req
192. That is the inside of a womb,
a woman's womb.Copy !req
193. My boy is not going to look
at the inside of a womb.Copy !req
194. He's only been out of yours for 11 years.Copy !req
195. I think I need some water.Copy !req
196. You want my Chandler or my Ross?Copy !req
197. Can I shoot him full of bbs?Copy !req
198. - Okay.
- Then Ross.Copy !req
199. - You sure you don't want him?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
200. I'm not going to need my toys anymore.Copy !req
201. After I learn sex ed,
I'll be too busy dating.Copy !req
202. Who?Copy !req
203. I don't know.Copy !req
204. Whoever wants to have sex with me.Copy !req
205. Well. What do you think,
a few more inches?Copy !req
206. Might as well.
It's just going to keep growing.Copy !req
207. Well, so much for my phone call.Copy !req
208. What are you talking about?Copy !req
209. They found some other depraved harlot
to teach that sex ed class.Copy !req
210. - Uh, Dale…
- Don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
211. I know people who can take care
of this woman, if you know what I mean.Copy !req
212. That woman is my wife.Copy !req
213. I thought Peggy was your wife.Copy !req
214. Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new sex teacher.Copy !req
215. Yeah. What?Copy !req
216. - Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing.
- Nothing at all, Hank.Copy !req
217. Nothing wrong
with a little sexual education.Copy !req
218. No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.Copy !req
219. - Dale…
- I'm just sayingCopy !req
220. a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.Copy !req
221. Maybe you ought to hit the books too.Copy !req
222. What the heck is wrong with you all?Copy !req
223. What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.Copy !req
224. You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.Copy !req
225. I've never been with a woman like that…Copy !req
226. Except, of course, a bar girl.Copy !req
227. Of course I, I don't mean
that Peggy's aCopy !req
228. a bar girl or nothing like that.Copy !req
229. I mean, she just knows, you knowCopy !req
230. what a bar girl… knows.Copy !req
231. You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.Copy !req
232. They want me to teach this sex ed stuff
to our kids' class, you know?Copy !req
233. But I just don't know if I can overcomeCopy !req
234. the crippling sense of shame
that I got from my mother.Copy !req
235. Phew. Well, we knew you wouldn't.Copy !req
236. Yeah, I've been telling people,
Peggy Hill is not one of those teachersCopy !req
237. that puts all that intellectual hooey
above common decency.Copy !req
238. Mm-hm.Copy !req
239. Well, sometimes
a little "intellectual hooey"Copy !req
240. is a good thing.Copy !req
241. Look, we all grew up
not knowing the real wordsCopy !req
242. for your dinkie and your woohoo,
and we turned out fine.Copy !req
243. I learned about sex from my mother.Copy !req
244. She gave me that wonderful book.Copy !req
245. The Loveliness of Woman.Copy !req
246. That book is worthless.Copy !req
247. Well, I got a lot out of it.Copy !req
248. When my husband would crawl
all over me at nightCopy !req
249. and do his business.Copy !req
250. Well, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.Copy !req
251. Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.Copy !req
252. Hey, Bobby, your mom's going
to teach sex ed.Copy !req
253. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
254. We're going to get to see her boobs.Copy !req
255. So?Copy !req
256. Bobby, you're up.Copy !req
257. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
258. Your dad lost his job.Copy !req
259. Run, bobby! Run!Copy !req
260. Run, run. Come on! Run!Copy !req
261. Don't stop at first base, son.Copy !req
262. Go all the way, Bobby.
Go all the way, honey.Copy !req
263. Yeah, go all the way, you perv.Copy !req
264. Hello?Copy !req
265. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live.Copy !req
266. And if you teach that sex ed class
so help me, I'll…Copy !req
267. Dale, is that you?Copy !req
268. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
269. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?Copy !req
270. Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.Copy !req
271. Hello, Dale.Copy !req
272. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live…Copy !req
273. Boy, you should have
heard Bonnie today.Copy !req
274. That woman has got one awful love life.Copy !req
275. Uh-huh.Copy !req
276. Oh, my God.Copy !req
277. Hank, honey, would you like to rubCopy !req
278. some "Pretty feet and hands" on my back?Copy !req
279. Uh, isn't that just
for your feet and hands?Copy !req
280. Well, mainly.Copy !req
281. But you can use it everywhere.Copy !req
282. I'll pass.Copy !req
283. Well, how about if I put
a little on your elbows?Copy !req
284. It will moisturize and exfoliate.Copy !req
285. My elbows are fine.
You never complained about them before.Copy !req
286. It's just that it's so nice and cooling.Copy !req
287. It makes your elbows smooth.Copy !req
288. What? Where in the heck
are my elbows going to beCopy !req
289. that they need to be smooth?Copy !req
290. Well, honey, I just thought
it would be nice, you know, for later…Copy !req
291. For us to be all smooth.Copy !req
292. I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.Copy !req
293. Look, Hank Hill,Copy !req
294. I did not ask to teach this class,
but I am a substitute teacher.Copy !req
295. That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers mostCopy !req
296. at any hour of the day or night.Copy !req
297. And teach anything from gym to home ec.Copy !req
298. I took an oath, darn it, excuse me.Copy !req
299. And if I start to pick and choose
the whole system just breaks down.Copy !req
300. Yeah? Well, you weren't
too proud to pick and chooseCopy !req
301. when you had those Randy Travis tickets.Copy !req
302. Oh, no, those poor little kids
never did get to makeCopy !req
303. their clay ashtrays.Copy !req
304. Well, they're darn sure going to know
the 18 stages of arousal.Copy !req
305. 'Cause Peggy Hill is going
to teach that class.Copy !req
306. Hmmph.Copy !req
307. Hmmph.Copy !req
308. This is a diagram of a woman's v-va…Copy !req
309. Va-vaCopy !req
310. va…Copy !req
311. Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.Copy !req
312. A woman's va…Copy !req
313. This is a man's p-pe… pe…Copy !req
314. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
315. Mm-hmm. Nice and clean.Copy !req
316. But I think old Sigmund Freud
might have a thing or two to say about it.Copy !req
317. What?Copy !req
318. Oh, no!Copy !req
319. Happiness.Copy !req
320. Hap-piness.Copy !req
321. Hap-pi-ness.Copy !req
322. Hap-piness.Copy !req
323. Penis.Copy !req
324. I did it.Copy !req
325. Ovaries.Copy !req
326. Uvula.Copy !req
327. Uterus.Copy !req
328. Vagina!Copy !req
329. Hey, Hank, I just said…Copy !req
330. I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussing.Copy !req
331. It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name
of a god-given body part.Copy !req
332. Well, it is if it's a part of the bodyCopy !req
333. that was meant to be concealed
by an undergarment.Copy !req
334. You're dealing with organs that
people just don't want to know about.Copy !req
335. Well, Bobby ought to know about them.Copy !req
336. We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.Copy !req
337. Sure we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.Copy !req
338. My son is not going
to learn this crazy crap.Copy !req
339. It says right here he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.Copy !req
340. Now, just hold on.Copy !req
341. Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?Copy !req
342. If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.Copy !req
343. And I do not approve. Permission denied.Copy !req
344. This darn strapping tape.Copy !req
345. Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.Copy !req
346. Huh. Oh, my.Copy !req
347. Uh… No, Mr. Hudson.Copy !req
348. We don't recommend using propane
to fill party balloons.Copy !req
349. Well, yeah, it is a gas,
but it's in a liquid state.Copy !req
350. Well, okay,Copy !req
351. but you might want
to blow out those candles.Copy !req
352. Uh. Look. I'm going to have
to call you back.Copy !req
353. Bobby…Copy !req
354. Hey, that's my work.Copy !req
355. Now, just sit still, okay?Copy !req
356. What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?Copy !req
357. I don't know. I don't want to know.Copy !req
358. Just try not to think about it.Copy !req
359. Okay.Copy !req
360. What do you think mom's saying to them?Copy !req
361. I said not to think about it.Copy !req
362. Think about something else.Copy !req
363. Okay.Copy !req
364. Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?Copy !req
365. Uh…Copy !req
366. Well, uh…Copy !req
367. Come on, Bobby.
Can't you think of something pleasant?Copy !req
368. What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?Copy !req
369. I only have your homework,
I didn't take it.Copy !req
370. Good morning, class.Copy !req
371. Today, we're going to discuss
the subject of Human RelationsCopy !req
372. otherwise known as…Copy !req
373. Human Relations.Copy !req
374. I am your substitute teacher.Copy !req
375. My name is Peggy Hill.Copy !req
376. Okey-dokey.Copy !req
377. Any questions so far?Copy !req
378. Dad?Copy !req
379. What?Copy !req
380. I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about meCopy !req
381. 'cause I'm never going to have sex.Copy !req
382. Whoa, Bobby. Now, don't say that.Copy !req
383. I thought that's what you wanted.Copy !req
384. Well, yes, if you were my daughter,
but you're my son.Copy !req
385. Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?Copy !req
386. It's called the double standard, Bobby.
Don't knock it.Copy !req
387. We got the long end
of the stick on that one.Copy !req
388. I see.Copy !req
389. That's why mom's bad
for talking about sex.Copy !req
390. Bobby, look.Copy !req
391. Just because your mom's
been using those wordsCopy !req
392. doesn't mean she's bad.Copy !req
393. She's just trying to do her job,Copy !req
394. give the kids the proper names for things.Copy !req
395. Imagine how hard that is for your mother
trying to teach a roomfulCopy !req
396. of snickering fifth-gradersCopy !req
397. the difference
between a boy and a girl's…Copy !req
398. Uh.Copy !req
399. You know, hookups.Copy !req
400. That woman's
got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
401. That's Mrs. Peggy hill.Copy !req
402. H-I-L-L.Copy !req
403. You can call me Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
404. You can call me Peggy.Copy !req
405. Or Peggy Hill.Copy !req
406. Okay, come on, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
407. You can do this.Copy !req
408. Okay, today's subject…Copy !req
409. Just have a seat.Copy !req
410. I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.Copy !req
411. She was substitute teacher of the year
in 1996, I understand.Copy !req
412. All right, class, let's do it.Copy !req
413. Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.Copy !req
414. It's difficult subject matter,Copy !req
415. but if we approach it with common sense,Copy !req
416. I believe, we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.Copy !req
417. But before we begin,Copy !req
418. please, bring your permission slips
up to my desk.Copy !req
419. And those of you whose parents did not
give you permission to learn with me,Copy !req
420. well, you can read for an hour
in the school library.Copy !req
421. Sorry, Peggy. Sorry, Mrs. Peggy Hill.Copy !req
422. Looks like it's just you and me, mom.Copy !req
423. Okay, son.Copy !req
424. Well, let's beginCopy !req
425. with the difference
between boys and girls.Copy !req
426. You mean the penis?Copy !req
427. Yes, the penis.Copy !req
428. Hello?Copy !req
429. Bobby?Copy !req
430. Luanne?Copy !req
431. Well, is anybody home?Copy !req
432. - Where is everybody?
- Uh..Copy !req
433. I sent the kids off
to see a double feature.Copy !req
434. D You're mine always and forever d.Copy !req
435. May I have this dance?Copy !req
436. Mmm! Smooth elbows, Peg.Copy !req
437. I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.Copy !req
438. Oh, Hank, watch your back.Copy !req
439. Good as ever.Copy !req
440. Ooohhh!Copy !req
441. Ah.Copy !req
442. Are you okay?Copy !req
443. Uh-huh.Copy !req
444. Well, uh, as long
as we're down hereCopy !req
445. Hello. You have reached
the Hill Residence.Copy !req
446. Please leave a message at the tone.Copy !req
447. You don't know who I am,Copy !req
448. but I know where you live, sex ed teacher.Copy !req
449. And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.Copy !req
450. Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee off time to three o'clock.Copy !req
451. See ya.Copy !req