1. Hmm...Copy !req
2. Peggy?Copy !req
3. I'm in my office.Copy !req
4. Peggy.Copy !req
5. Uh, Peggy, I've got a situation here.Copy !req
6. Oh, Hank, is it your back again?Copy !req
7. Why won't you wear
that weight-lifting beltCopy !req
8. I got you for Christmas?Copy !req
9. It's not a belt, it's a girdle.Copy !req
10. Take off your shirt. I'll get the icy hot.Copy !req
11. Ooh, ahh.Copy !req
12. Icy. Icy.Copy !req
13. Ah, ha.Copy !req
14. Hot.Copy !req
15. All right.Copy !req
16. - Okay.
- Oh.Copy !req
17. - Hey.Copy !req
18. Peggy, not in front of the b-o-y.Copy !req
19. I need both of you
to sign this permission slip.Copy !req
20. All righty.Copy !req
21. What's it for, son?Copy !req
22. Contact football?Copy !req
23. No, you're not old enough for that.Copy !req
24. Ringworm test?Copy !req
25. What?Copy !req
26. Sexual education?Copy !req
27. Where'd you get this?Copy !req
28. I told you, at school.Copy !req
29. Oh, I thought we didn't have to worry
until ninth grade health class.Copy !req
30. Nuh-uh. Principal wants to teach us a unitCopy !req
31. from some course they made up
in Washington, DC.Copy !req
32. Washington?Copy !req
33. Bobby, go to your room.Copy !req
34. Well, what are we going to do?Copy !req
35. Here's the first thing I'm going to do.Copy !req
36. I tell you what. There.Copy !req
37. No need for bobby to get all bothered up
learning about sexCopy !req
38. when he can't do a darn thing
about it anywayCopy !req
39. at his age... And with his features.Copy !req
40. Besides, it is not up
to the United States governmentCopy !req
41. to be teaching Bobby the facts of life.Copy !req
42. That's his parents' job.Copy !req
43. I agree.Copy !req
44. If anybody should teach
our boy about... that,Copy !req
45. it should be his parents.Copy !req
46. Something like that should, uh,
be taught in the home.Copy !req
47. Uh-huh. Where he lives.Copy !req
48. Absolutely.Copy !req
49. Yessiree.Copy !req
50. Well, you're the expert.Copy !req
51. Substitute teacher of the year, 1996
as I recall.Copy !req
52. Oh, Hank. I'm also a decent woman.Copy !req
53. I got my back out here, Peg.Copy !req
54. - Bobby?Copy !req
55. - Bobby, honey.Copy !req
56. Um... What do you know
about sexual relations?Copy !req
57. I don't know.Copy !req
58. Nothing much.Copy !req
59. I'm a little worried about being a slut.Copy !req
60. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
61. Well... Bobby.Copy !req
62. Your father and I decided
that as your parentsCopy !req
63. that you and I should have a little talk
on the subject.Copy !req
64. You have noticed, I am sureCopy !req
65. that there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.Copy !req
66. I'm sure you know that.Copy !req
67. I mean, physically, boys are...Copy !req
68. They're different.Copy !req
69. They have something
that girls do not have.Copy !req
70. Yeah?Copy !req
71. You know...Copy !req
72. Something...Copy !req
73. You mean a penis?Copy !req
74. I didn't take sex ed In school.Copy !req
75. - Come on, Boomhauer.Copy !req
76. - If you're going to prune, prune.Copy !req
77. The army taught me everything
and in four different languages, too.Copy !req
78. Want to know how to get
a bar girl In the Philippines?Copy !req
79. The point is, there's no way
my son is learning the how-tos of romanceCopy !req
80. from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook.Copy !req
81. Sume-ho!Copy !req
82. Or something like that.Copy !req
83. And, Dale, the same applies
to your Joseph.Copy !req
84. I'd tear that permission slip up
if I were you.Copy !req
85. I'll do that and then some.Copy !req
86. This sex ed stuff goes higher
than the schools.Copy !req
87. It's that same old club crone
zero population bull dinkCopy !req
88. that the UN's been trying for years.Copy !req
89. I tell you what, man,
this branch's fixing...Copy !req
90. - It's going to be-be...Copy !req
91. - Heads up!Copy !req
92. They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.Copy !req
93. That's when the Chinese'll come
marching in.Copy !req
94. All I'm saying isCopy !req
95. keep the government out
of the bedroom business.Copy !req
96. Teaching my boy
the facts of life is my job.Copy !req
97. - You got that right.
- Darn straight.Copy !req
98. Mm-hm.Copy !req
99. Hank, I couldn't get the words out.Copy !req
100. Oh, gee, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?Copy !req
101. I... Well...Copy !req
102. Maybe, you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.Copy !req
103. Yeah, man. I tell you what you talk
about them dang old condom dispenserCopy !req
104. with them be put a little
50 cents in there.Copy !req
105. - And they try to hit that corner turn.Copy !req
106. And bang on that thing.
And talking about her needs.Copy !req
107. God, no. That's all right.Copy !req
108. I guess I'll do it.Copy !req
109. My daddy told me the facts of lifeCopy !req
110. when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.Copy !req
111. Yee-ha-ha!Copy !req
112. Hey, what you crying for, boy?Copy !req
113. It's a good show.Copy !req
114. - This is a darn good show.Copy !req
115. Yeah.Copy !req
116. That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.Copy !req
117. Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.Copy !req
118. - Oh, there we go.Copy !req
119. Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.Copy !req
120. Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.Copy !req
121. Well, he sure came to the right place.Copy !req
122. We call this machine the matchmaker 500.Copy !req
123. Now, Bobby, you're coming
to a time in your lifeCopy !req
124. when you're going to start to have
tender feelings for a girl.Copy !req
125. You're going to need to knowCopy !req
126. what those feelings mean
and what to do about it.Copy !req
127. Oh, my God.Copy !req
128. Where's the other half
of that permission slip?Copy !req
129. I'm sure they will do
a good job at school.Copy !req
130. The health teacher is
a trained professional.Copy !req
131. Uh-huh. Keep digging.Copy !req
132. Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that sex ed stuff.Copy !req
133. What do you mean?Copy !req
134. All you got to know isCopy !req
135. - I took care of it.Copy !req
136. - With one little phone call.Copy !req
137. Hmm?Copy !req
138. Hey, Peg-leg.Copy !req
139. - That was bobby's principal.Copy !req
140. Some right-wing maniac
called the health teacherCopy !req
141. with a death threat, and she quit.Copy !req
142. Oh, well.Copy !req
143. I'm sure it was just
some harmless nut case.Copy !req
144. - Dang!Copy !req
145. - Geez!Copy !req
146. Hey, on the bright side,Copy !req
147. since there's no one to teach
that sex ed course,Copy !req
148. we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.Copy !req
149. Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.Copy !req
150. They found the substitute
teacher of the year.Copy !req
151. Uh... 1995?Copy !req
152. 1996.Copy !req
153. Oh, my.Copy !req
154. Oh, lord.Copy !req
155. - Oh, for goodness' sake.Copy !req
156. This beauty school homework
is hard, Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
157. - Aunt Peggy?Copy !req
158. Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne.Copy !req
159. I was not paying attention.Copy !req
160. Listen to this chapter title.Copy !req
161. "The 14 stages of Arousal."Copy !req
162. And then you turn the page and...Copy !req
163. Oh, my goodness, is that C. Everett Koop?Copy !req
164. That must be an old book
'cause now there's 18 stages.Copy !req
165. Oh, my.Copy !req
166. How am I going to say these words out loud
in front of a class?Copy !req
167. Let me see.Copy !req
168. "Self-exploration is
a perfectly natural exerciseCopy !req
169. throughout pubescence."Copy !req
170. What's so hard about that?Copy !req
171. Luanne, honey, tell meCopy !req
172. what is it like to live
without shame of any kind?Copy !req
173. Is it a good feeling?Copy !req
174. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
175. Well, I guess I am a little jealous.Copy !req
176. Things were very different
when I was a girl.Copy !req
177. - Honey...Copy !req
178. You're at that special time of life.Copy !req
179. The time when a little girl
becomes a woman,Copy !req
180. and you start getting a monthly visitor.Copy !req
181. Who? Uncle Joe?Copy !req
182. My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.Copy !req
183. The Loveliness of Woman?Copy !req
184. There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.Copy !req
185. I never even kissed a boy until I was 20.Copy !req
186. Of course, he's dead now.Copy !req
187. Ooh, look, here's a chapterCopy !req
188. on communicating your needs
to your love partner.Copy !req
189. What kind of filth are you reading?Copy !req
190. It's Aunt Peggy's sex ed book.Copy !req
191. Say what?Copy !req
192. Let me take a look at that.Copy !req
193. What in the heck?Copy !req
194. That is the inside of a womb,
a woman's womb.Copy !req
195. My boy is not going to look
at the inside of a womb.Copy !req
196. He's only been out of yours for 11 years.Copy !req
197. - I think I need some water.Copy !req
198. You want my Chandler or my Ross?Copy !req
199. Can I shoot him full of bbs?Copy !req
200. - Okay.
- Then Ross.Copy !req
201. - You sure you don't want him?
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
202. - I'm not going to need my toys anymore.Copy !req
203. After I learn sex ed,
I'll be too busy dating.Copy !req
204. Who?Copy !req
205. I don't know.Copy !req
206. Whoever wants to have sex with me.Copy !req
207. Well. What do you think,
a few more inches?Copy !req
208. Might as well.
It's just going to keep growing.Copy !req
209. - Well, so much for my phone call.Copy !req
210. What are you talking about?Copy !req
211. They found some other depraved harlot
to teach that sex ed class.Copy !req
212. - Uh, Dale...
- Don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
213. I know people who can take care
of this woman, if you know what I mean.Copy !req
214. - That woman is my wife.Copy !req
215. I thought Peggy was your wife.Copy !req
216. Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new sex teacher.Copy !req
217. Yeah. What?Copy !req
218. - Nothing. I wasn't saying nothing.
- Nothing at all, Hank.Copy !req
219. Nothing wrong
with a little sexual education.Copy !req
220. No, sir. I bet Peggy will be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.Copy !req
221. - Dale...
- I'm just sayingCopy !req
222. a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.Copy !req
223. Maybe you ought to hit the books too.Copy !req
224. What the heck is wrong with you all?Copy !req
225. What? Nothing, Hank. Just think.Copy !req
226. You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.Copy !req
227. I've never been with a woman like that...Copy !req
228. - Except, of course, a bar girl.Copy !req
229. Of course I, I don't mean
that Peggy's a...Copy !req
230. a bar girl or nothing like that.Copy !req
231. I mean, she just knows, you knowCopy !req
232. what a bar girl... knows.Copy !req
233. You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.Copy !req
234. They want me to teach this sex ed stuff
to our kids' class, you know?Copy !req
235. But I just don't know if I can overcomeCopy !req
236. the crippling sense of shame
that I got from my mother.Copy !req
237. Phew. Well, we knew you wouldn't.Copy !req
238. Yeah, I've been telling people,
Peggy Hill is not one of those teachersCopy !req
239. that puts all that intellectual hooey
above common decency.Copy !req
240. Mm-hm.Copy !req
241. Well, sometimes
a little "intellectual hooey"Copy !req
242. is a good thing.Copy !req
243. Look, we all grew up
not knowing the real wordsCopy !req
244. for your dinkie and your woohoo,
and we turned out fine.Copy !req
245. I learned about sex from my mother.Copy !req
246. She gave me that wonderful bookCopy !req
247. The Loveliness of Woman.Copy !req
248. That book is worthless.Copy !req
249. Well, I got a lot out of it.Copy !req
250. When my husband would crawl
all over me at nightCopy !req
251. and do his business.Copy !req
252. Well, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.Copy !req
253. Oh, Bonnie, you poor, poor woman.Copy !req
254. Hey, Bobby, your mom's going
to teach sex ed.Copy !req
255. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
256. We're going to get to see her boobs.Copy !req
257. - So?Copy !req
258. Bobby, you're up.Copy !req
259. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
260. Your dad lost his job.Copy !req
261. Run, bobby! Run!Copy !req
262. Run, run. Come on! Run!Copy !req
263. Don't stop at first base, son.Copy !req
264. Go all the way, Bobby.
Go all the way, honey.Copy !req
265. Yeah, go all the way, you perv.Copy !req
266. Hello?Copy !req
267. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you liveCopy !req
268. And if you teach that sex ed class
so help me, I'll...Copy !req
269. Dale, is that you?Copy !req
270. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
271. Uh, can I speak with Peggy?Copy !req
272. Uh, Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.Copy !req
273. Hello, Dale.Copy !req
274. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live...Copy !req
275. Boy, you should have
heard Bonnie today.Copy !req
276. That woman has got one awful love life.Copy !req
277. Uh-huh.Copy !req
278. Oh, my God.Copy !req
279. Hank, honey, would you like to rubCopy !req
280. some "Pretty feet and hands" on my back?Copy !req
281. Uh, isn't that just
for your feet and hands?Copy !req
282. Well, mainly.Copy !req
283. But you can use it everywhere.Copy !req
284. I'll pass.Copy !req
285. Well, how about if I put
a little on your elbows?Copy !req
286. It will moisturize and exfoliate.Copy !req
287. My elbows are fine.
You never complained about them before.Copy !req
288. It's just that it's so nice and cooling.Copy !req
289. It makes your elbows smooth.Copy !req
290. What? Where in the heck
are my elbows going to beCopy !req
291. that they need to be smooth?Copy !req
292. Well, honey, I just thought
it would be nice, you know, for later...Copy !req
293. For us to be all smooth.Copy !req
294. I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.Copy !req
295. Look, Hank Hill,Copy !req
296. I did not ask to teach this class,
but I am a substitute teacher.Copy !req
297. That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers mostCopy !req
298. at any hour of the day or night.Copy !req
299. And teach anything from gym to home ec.Copy !req
300. I took an oath, darn it, excuse me.Copy !req
301. And if I start to pick and choose
the whole system just breaks down.Copy !req
302. Yeah? Well, you weren't
too proud to pick and chooseCopy !req
303. when you had those Randy Travis tickets.Copy !req
304. Oh, no, those poor little kids
never did get to makeCopy !req
305. - their clay ashtrays.Copy !req
306. Well, they're darn sure going to know
the 18 stages of arousal.Copy !req
307. 'Cause Peggy Hill is going
to teach that class.Copy !req
308. Hmmph.Copy !req
309. Hmmph.Copy !req
310. This is a diagram of a woman's v-va...Copy !req
311. Va-va...Copy !req
312. va...Copy !req
313. Come on, Aunt Peggy, you can do it.Copy !req
314. A woman's va...Copy !req
315. This is a man's p-pe... pe...Copy !req
316. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
317. Mm-hmm. Nice and clean.Copy !req
318. But I think old Sigmund Freud
might have a thing or two to say about it.Copy !req
319. What?Copy !req
320. Oh, no!Copy !req
321. Happiness.Copy !req
322. Hap-piness.Copy !req
323. Hap-pi-ness.Copy !req
324. Hap-piness.Copy !req
325. Penis.Copy !req
326. I did it.Copy !req
327. Ovaries.Copy !req
328. Uvula.Copy !req
329. Uterus.Copy !req
330. Vagina!Copy !req
331. - Hey, Hank, I just said...Copy !req
332. I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussing.Copy !req
333. It's not cussing, Hank, to say the name
of a god-given body part.Copy !req
334. Well, it is if it's a part of the bodyCopy !req
335. that was meant to be concealed
by an undergarment.Copy !req
336. You're dealing with organs that
people just don't want to know about.Copy !req
337. Well, Bobby ought to know about them.Copy !req
338. We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.Copy !req
339. Sure we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.Copy !req
340. My son is not going
to learn this crazy crap.Copy !req
341. It says right here he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.Copy !req
342. Now, just hold on.Copy !req
343. Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?Copy !req
344. If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.Copy !req
345. And I do not approve. Permission denied.Copy !req
346. This darn strapping tape.Copy !req
347. Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.Copy !req
348. Huh. Oh, my.Copy !req
349. - Uh... No, Mr. Hudson.Copy !req
350. We don't recommend using propane
to fill party balloons.Copy !req
351. Well, yeah, it is a gas,
but it's in a liquid state.Copy !req
352. - Well, okay,Copy !req
353. but you might want
to blow out those candles.Copy !req
354. Uh. look. I'm going to have
to call you back.Copy !req
355. - Bobby...Copy !req
356. Hey, that's my work.Copy !req
357. - Now, just sit still, okay?Copy !req
358. What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?Copy !req
359. I don't know. I don't want to know.Copy !req
360. Just try not to think about it.Copy !req
361. Okay.Copy !req
362. What do you think mom's saying to them?Copy !req
363. I said not to think about it.Copy !req
364. Think about something else.Copy !req
365. Okay.Copy !req
366. Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?Copy !req
367. Uh...Copy !req
368. Well, uh...Copy !req
369. Come on, Bobby.
Can't you think of something pleasant?Copy !req
370. What do you think
mom's telling all those guys?Copy !req
371. I only have your homework,
I didn't take it.Copy !req
372. Good morning, class.Copy !req
373. Today, we're going to discuss
the subject of Human RelationsCopy !req
374. otherwise known as...Copy !req
375. Human Relations.Copy !req
376. I am your substitute teacher.Copy !req
377. My name is Peggy Hill.Copy !req
378. Okey-dokey.Copy !req
379. Any questions so far?Copy !req
380. Dad?Copy !req
381. What?Copy !req
382. I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about meCopy !req
383. 'cause I'm never going to have sex.Copy !req
384. Whoa, Bobby. Now, don't say that.Copy !req
385. I thought that's what you wanted.Copy !req
386. Well, yes, if you were my daughter,
but you're my son.Copy !req
387. Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?Copy !req
388. It's called the double standard, Bobby.
Don't knock it.Copy !req
389. We got the long end
of the stick on that one.Copy !req
390. I see.Copy !req
391. That's why mom's bad
for talking about sex.Copy !req
392. Bobby, look.Copy !req
393. Just because your mom's
been using those wordsCopy !req
394. doesn't mean she's bad.Copy !req
395. She's just trying to do her job,Copy !req
396. give the kids the proper names for things.Copy !req
397. Imagine how hard that is for your mother
trying to teach a roomfulCopy !req
398. of snickering fifth-gradersCopy !req
399. the difference
between a boy and a girl's...Copy !req
400. - Uh...Copy !req
401. you know, hookups.Copy !req
402. That woman's
got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what.Copy !req
403. - That's Mrs. Peggy hill.Copy !req
404. H-I-L-L.Copy !req
405. You can call me Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
406. You can call me Peggy.Copy !req
407. Or Peggy Hill.Copy !req
408. Okay, come on, Peggy Hill.Copy !req
409. You can do this.Copy !req
410. Okay, today's subject...Copy !req
411. - Just have a seat.Copy !req
412. I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.Copy !req
413. She was substitute teacher of the year
in 1996, I understand.Copy !req
414. All right, class, let's do it.Copy !req
415. Today, I'm going to teach you sex ed.Copy !req
416. It's difficult subject matter,Copy !req
417. but if we approach it with common sense,Copy !req
418. I believe, we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.Copy !req
419. But before we begin,Copy !req
420. please, bring your permission slips
up to my desk.Copy !req
421. And those of you whose parents did not
give you permission to learn with me,Copy !req
422. well, you can read for an hour
in the school library.Copy !req
423. Sorry, Peggy. Sorry, Mrs Peggy Hill.Copy !req
424. Looks like it's just you and me, mom.Copy !req
425. - Okay, son.Copy !req
426. Well, let's beginCopy !req
427. with the difference
between boys and girls.Copy !req
428. You mean the penis?Copy !req
429. Yes, the penis.Copy !req
430. Hello?Copy !req
431. Bobby?Copy !req
432. Luanne?Copy !req
433. Well, is anybody home?Copy !req
434. - Where is everybody?
- Uh...Copy !req
435. I sent the kids off
to see a double feature.Copy !req
436. May I have this dance?Copy !req
437. Mmm! Smooth elbows, Peg.Copy !req
438. I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.Copy !req
439. Oh, Hank, watch your back.Copy !req
440. Good as ever.Copy !req
441. Ooohhh!Copy !req
442. - Ah.Copy !req
443. Are you okay?Copy !req
444. Uh-huh.Copy !req
445. Well, uh, as long
as we're down here...Copy !req
446. Hello. You have reached
the Hill Residence.Copy !req
447. Please leave a message at the tone.Copy !req
448. You don't know who I am,Copy !req
449. but I know where you live, sex ed teacher.Copy !req
450. And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.Copy !req
451. Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee off time to three o'clock.Copy !req
452. See ya.Copy !req