1. - Peggy?
- I'm in my office.Copy !req
2. Peggy?Copy !req
3. Peggy, I've got a situation here.Copy !req
4. Oh, Hank, is it your back again?Copy !req
5. Why won't you wear that weightlifting
belt I got you for Christmas?Copy !req
6. It's not a belt. It's a girdle.Copy !req
7. Take off your shirt.
I'll get the Icy Hot.Copy !req
8. Icy! Icy!Copy !req
9. Hot.Copy !req
10. All right. Okay.Copy !req
11. - Hey.
- Peggy! Not in front of the B-O-Y.Copy !req
12. I need both of you to sign
this permission slip.Copy !req
13. All righty. What's it for, son?Copy !req
14. Contact football?
No, you're not old enough for that.Copy !req
15. Ringworm test?Copy !req
16. What? Sexual Education?Copy !req
17. - Where'd you get this?
- I told you. At school.Copy !req
18. I thought we didn't have to worry about
this until 9th grade health class.Copy !req
19. No. The principal wants to teach us
a unit from some course...Copy !req
20. they made up in Washington, DC.Copy !req
21. Washington? Bobby, go to your room.Copy !req
22. Well, what are we gonna do?Copy !req
23. Here's the first thing I'm gonna do,
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
24. There. No need for Bobby to get all
bothered up learning about sex...Copy !req
25. when he can't do a damn thing about it
anyway, at his age...Copy !req
26. and with his features.Copy !req
27. Besides, it is not up to
the United States government...Copy !req
28. to be teaching Bobby
the facts of life.Copy !req
29. That's his parents' job.Copy !req
30. I agree. If anybody should
teach our boy about that...Copy !req
31. it should be his parents.Copy !req
32. Something like that
should be taught in the home.Copy !req
33. Where he lives.Copy !req
34. Absolutely.Copy !req
35. Yes siree.Copy !req
36. Well, you're the expert.Copy !req
37. Substitute Teacher of the Year 1996,
as I recall.Copy !req
38. Oh, Hank, I'm also a decent woman.Copy !req
39. I got my back out here, Peg.Copy !req
40. Bobby?Copy !req
41. Bobby, honey.Copy !req
42. What do you know about
sexual relations?Copy !req
43. I don't know. Nothing much.Copy !req
44. I'm a little worried
about being a slut.Copy !req
45. Well, Bobby, your father and I decided
that as your parents...Copy !req
46. that you and I should have a
little talk on the subject.Copy !req
47. You have noticed, I am sure, that...Copy !req
48. there are some pretty big differences
between boys and girls.Copy !req
49. I'm sure you know that.Copy !req
50. I mean, physically, boys are,
well, they're different.Copy !req
51. They have something
that girls do not have.Copy !req
52. Yeah.Copy !req
53. You know, something...Copy !req
54. You mean, a penis?Copy !req
55. I didn't take Sex Ed in school.Copy !req
56. Come on, Boomhauer,
if you're gonna prune, prune.Copy !req
57. The army taught me everything,
and in four different languages, too.Copy !req
58. Want to know how to get a bargirl
in the Philippines?Copy !req
59. The point is, there is no way my son
is learning the how-tos of romance...Copy !req
60. from some
bureaucrat regulatory handbook.Copy !req
61. Tu-mai-ho, or something like that.Copy !req
62. And, Dale, I'd say the same
applies to your Joseph.Copy !req
63. I'd tear that permission slip up,
if I were you.Copy !req
64. I'll do that and then some.Copy !req
65. This Sex Ed stuff
goes higher than the schools.Copy !req
66. It's that same old clubberone
zero-population bulldink...Copy !req
67. that the UN's been trying for years.Copy !req
68. Tell you what.
This branch is fixing to...Copy !req
69. it's going, it's going to be...
Y'all, heads up!Copy !req
70. They want to whittle us down
so we can't keep a standing army.Copy !req
71. That's when
the Chinese'll come marching in.Copy !req
72. All I'm saying is, keep the government
out of the bedroom business.Copy !req
73. Teaching my boy the facts
of life is my job.Copy !req
74. - Damn straight.
- You got that right.Copy !req
75. Hank, I couldn't get the words out.Copy !req
76. Oh, you didn't send her in
to do a man's job, did you?Copy !req
77. Well, l...Copy !req
78. Maybe you should let Boomhauer
teach him what he knows.Copy !req
79. You talk about them dang old
condom dispenser with them be.Copy !req
80. Put in 50 cents.
And they try to hit that corner...Copy !req
81. turn and bang on that thing,
and talking about her needs.Copy !req
82. God, no, that's all right.
I guess I'll do it.Copy !req
83. My daddy told me the facts of life...Copy !req
84. when I was Bobby's age,
and I turned out okay.Copy !req
85. Yeehaw!Copy !req
86. What you crying for, boy?Copy !req
87. This is a good show.
This is a damn good show.Copy !req
88. Yeah.Copy !req
89. That's also how he taught me
about paying taxes.Copy !req
90. Well, there used to be a dairy farm
out here somewhere.Copy !req
91. Oh, there we go.Copy !req
92. Gracie, this is Mr. Hill.Copy !req
93. Brought his son over
to learn the facts of life.Copy !req
94. Well, he sure
came to the right place.Copy !req
95. We call this machine
the Matchmaker 500.Copy !req
96. Bobby, you're coming to a time in
your life when you're gonna start...Copy !req
97. to have tender feelings for a girl.Copy !req
98. You're gonna need to know
what those feelings mean...Copy !req
99. and what to do about them.Copy !req
100. Oh, my God!Copy !req
101. Where's the other half
of that dang permission slip?Copy !req
102. I'm sure they'll do a
good job at school.Copy !req
103. The health teacher
is a trained professional.Copy !req
104. Keep digging.Copy !req
105. Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore
about that Sex Ed stuff.Copy !req
106. What do you mean?Copy !req
107. All you gotta know is, I took care
of it with one little phone call.Copy !req
108. Hey, Peg Leg.Copy !req
109. That was Bobby's principal.Copy !req
110. Some right-wing maniac called the health
teacher with a death threat and she quit.Copy !req
111. Oh, well.Copy !req
112. I'm sure it was just
some harmless nutcase.Copy !req
113. Hey, on the bright side, since there's
no one to teach that Sex Ed course...Copy !req
114. we can put all this ugliness
back in the closet.Copy !req
115. Oh, no, Hank. They found someone.Copy !req
116. They found
the Substitute Teacher of the Year.Copy !req
117. 1995?Copy !req
118. 1996.Copy !req
119. Oh, my. Oh, Lord.Copy !req
120. For goodness' sake.Copy !req
121. This beauty school homework is hard,
Aunt Peggy.Copy !req
122. Aunt Peggy?Copy !req
123. Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne,
I was not paying attention.Copy !req
124. Listen to this chapter title.
"The 14 Stages of Arousal."Copy !req
125. And then you turn the page, it...Copy !req
126. Oh, my goodness! Is that C.
Everett Koop?Copy !req
127. That must be an old book,
because now there's 18 stages.Copy !req
128. Oh, my.Copy !req
129. How am I gonna say these words
out loud in front of a class?Copy !req
130. Let me see.Copy !req
131. "Self-exploration is a perfectly natural
exercise throughout pubescence."Copy !req
132. What's so hard about that?Copy !req
133. Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like
to live without shame of any kind?Copy !req
134. Is it a good feeling?Copy !req
135. Yeah, it is.Copy !req
136. I guess I am a little jealous.Copy !req
137. Things were very different
when I was a girl.Copy !req
138. Honey, you're at that
special time of life.Copy !req
139. The time when a little girl
becomes a woman.Copy !req
140. And you start getting
a monthly visitor.Copy !req
141. Who? Uncle Joe?Copy !req
142. My mother gave me this,
and I'm passing it on to you.Copy !req
143. "The Loveliness of Woman."Copy !req
144. There's nothing in here
but pictures of flowers.Copy !req
145. I never even kissed a boy until I
was 20. Of course, he's dead now.Copy !req
146. Look. Here's a chapter on communicating
your needs to your love partner.Copy !req
147. What kind of filth are you reading?Copy !req
148. It's Aunt Peggy's Sex Ed book.Copy !req
149. Say what?Copy !req
150. Let me take a look at that.
What in the hell?Copy !req
151. That is the inside of a womb.
A woman's womb.Copy !req
152. My boy is not gonna look at
the inside of a womb.Copy !req
153. He's only been out of
yours for 11 years.Copy !req
154. I think I need some water.Copy !req
155. You want my Chandler or my Ross?Copy !req
156. Can I shoot him full of BBs?Copy !req
157. - Okay.
- Then Ross.Copy !req
158. You sure you don't want him?Copy !req
159. I'm not gonna need my toys anymore.Copy !req
160. After I learn Sex Ed,
I'll be too busy dating.Copy !req
161. Who?Copy !req
162. I don't know.
Whoever wants to have sex with me.Copy !req
163. Well, what do you think?
A few more inches?Copy !req
164. You might as well.
It's just gonna keep growing.Copy !req
165. - Well, so much for my phone call.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
166. They found some other depraved
harlot to teach that Sex Ed class.Copy !req
167. - Dale...
- Don't worry, Hank.Copy !req
168. I know people who can take care
of her, if you know what I mean.Copy !req
169. That woman is my wife.Copy !req
170. I thought Peggy was your wife.Copy !req
171. Dale, I think he's saying
Peggy's the new Sex teacher.Copy !req
172. Yeah? What?Copy !req
173. - Nothing, I wasn't saying nothing.
- Nothing at all.Copy !req
174. Nothing wrong with
a little sexual education.Copy !req
175. No, sir, I bet Peggy'll be introducing
some new ideas into the bedroom.Copy !req
176. Dale!Copy !req
177. I'm just saying, a woman who knows
is the toughest customer.Copy !req
178. Maybe you ought to hit the books, too.Copy !req
179. What the hell is wrong with you all?Copy !req
180. Nothing, Hank. Just think.Copy !req
181. You'll be married to a woman
who knows everything about sex.Copy !req
182. I've never been with
a woman like that.Copy !req
183. Except, of course, a bargirl.Copy !req
184. Of course, I don't mean that...Copy !req
185. Peggy's a bargirl or
nothing like that.Copy !req
186. She just knows, you know...Copy !req
187. what a bargirl knows.Copy !req
188. You know, there's a funny thing
happening down at school.Copy !req
189. They want me to teach this Sex Ed
stuff to our kids' class, you know.Copy !req
190. I don't know if I can overcome...Copy !req
191. the crippling sense of shame
I got from my mother.Copy !req
192. We knew you wouldn't.Copy !req
193. Yeah, I've been telling people, Peggy
Hill is not one of those teachers...Copy !req
194. that puts all of that intellectual
hooey above common decency.Copy !req
195. Well, sometimes a little
intellectual hooey is a good thing.Copy !req
196. Look. We all grew up
not knowing the real words for...Copy !req
197. your "dinky" and your "woohoo,"
and we turned out fine.Copy !req
198. I learned about sex from my mother.Copy !req
199. She gave me that wonderful book,
The Loveliness of Woman.Copy !req
200. - That book is worthless.
- Well, I got a lot out of it.Copy !req
201. When my husband would crawl all over
me at night and do his business...Copy !req
202. why, I would just close my eyes
and think of them pretty flowers.Copy !req
203. Oh, Bonnie. You poor, poor woman.Copy !req
204. Hey, Bobby,
your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed.Copy !req
205. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
206. We're gonna get to see her boobs.Copy !req
207. So?Copy !req
208. Bobby, you're up.Copy !req
209. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
210. Your dad lost his job.Copy !req
211. Run, Bobby! Run! Come on, run!Copy !req
212. Don't stop at first base, son!
Go all the way, Bobby!Copy !req
213. - Go all the way, honey!
- Yeah! Go all the way, you perv!Copy !req
214. Hello?Copy !req
215. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live.Copy !req
216. And if you teach that Sex Ed class,
so help me, I'll...Copy !req
217. Dale, is that you?Copy !req
218. Oh, Hank. Can I speak with Peggy?Copy !req
219. Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale.Copy !req
220. Hello, Dale.Copy !req
221. You don't know who I am,
but I know where you live.Copy !req
222. Boy, you should've
heard Bonnie today.Copy !req
223. That woman has got
one awful love life.Copy !req
224. Oh, my God.Copy !req
225. Hank, honey...Copy !req
226. would you like to rub some
Pretty Feet and Hands on my back?Copy !req
227. Isn't that just for
your feet and hands?Copy !req
228. Well, mainly.
But you could use it everywhere.Copy !req
229. I'll pass.Copy !req
230. Well, how about if I put a little
on your elbows?Copy !req
231. It'll moisturize and exfoliate.Copy !req
232. My elbows are fine.
You never complained about 'em before.Copy !req
233. It's just that it's so nice and
cooling. It makes your elbows smooth.Copy !req
234. What? Where in the hell are my elbows
gonna be that they need to be smooth?Copy !req
235. Honey, I just thought it would be nice,
for later, for us to be all smooth.Copy !req
236. I don't mean to be rude or nothing,
but I'll pass.Copy !req
237. Look, Hank Hill,
I did not ask to teach this class.Copy !req
238. But I am a substitute teacher.Copy !req
239. That means I have to be prepared to go
wherever they need teachers most...Copy !req
240. at any hour of the day or night,
and teach anything!Copy !req
241. From Gym to Home Ec!
I took an oath, darn it!Copy !req
242. Excuse me.Copy !req
243. And if I start to pick and choose,
the whole system just breaks down.Copy !req
244. Yeah, well, you weren't too proud
to pick and choose...Copy !req
245. when you had those
Randy Travis tickets.Copy !req
246. Oh, no. Those poor little kids never
did get to make their clay ashtrays.Copy !req
247. Well, they're damn sure gonna know
the 18 stages of arousal...Copy !req
248. because Peggy Hill
is gonna teach that class!Copy !req
249. This is a diagram of a woman's...Copy !req
250. Come on, Aunt Peggy. You can do it.Copy !req
251. A woman's...Copy !req
252. This is a man's...Copy !req
253. Well, what do you think?Copy !req
254. Nice and clean.Copy !req
255. But I think old Sigmund Freud might
have a thing or two to say about it.Copy !req
256. What?Copy !req
257. Oh, no!Copy !req
258. Happiness. Ha-penis.Copy !req
259. Ha-penis.Copy !req
260. Ha-penis.Copy !req
261. Penis.Copy !req
262. I did it!Copy !req
263. Ovaries.Copy !req
264. Uvula.Copy !req
265. Uterus.Copy !req
266. Vagina!Copy !req
267. Hey, Hank, I just said...Copy !req
268. I heard you. The whole neighborhood
can hear you cussin'!Copy !req
269. It's not cussin' to say the
name of a God-given body part.Copy !req
270. It is if it's a part of the body
that was meant to be...Copy !req
271. concealed by an undergarment.Copy !req
272. You're dealing with organs
that people don't want to know about.Copy !req
273. Bobby ought to know about 'em.Copy !req
274. We don't want him growing up
as repressed as we did.Copy !req
275. Sure, we do.
I'm drawing the line here, Peggy.Copy !req
276. My son is not gonna
learn this crazy crap.Copy !req
277. It says here, he can't take the class
without permission of both his parents.Copy !req
278. Now just hold on.Copy !req
279. Are you saying I am not good enough
to teach my own son?Copy !req
280. If you do not approve,
you do not have to sign.Copy !req
281. And I do not approve.
Permission denied.Copy !req
282. Damn strapping tape!Copy !req
283. Come on, Bobby.
You're coming to work with me.Copy !req
284. Oh, my.Copy !req
285. No, Mr. Hudson.Copy !req
286. We don't recommend
using propane to fill party balloons.Copy !req
287. We don't recommend
using propane to fill party balloons.Copy !req
288. Yeah, it is a gas. But
it's in a liquid state.Copy !req
289. But you might want
to blow out those candles.Copy !req
290. I'm gonna have to call you back.Copy !req
291. Bobby, hey, that's my work.
Now just sit still, okay?Copy !req
292. What do you think Mom's telling
all those guys?Copy !req
293. I don't know. I don't want to know.
Just try not to think about it.Copy !req
294. Okay.Copy !req
295. What do you think Mom's saying to 'em?Copy !req
296. I said not to think about it.
Think about something else.Copy !req
297. Okay.Copy !req
298. Dad, do you ever have sex anymore?Copy !req
299. Well, come on, Bobby,
can't you think of something pleasant?Copy !req
300. What do you think Mom's telling
all those guys?Copy !req
301. Good morning, class. Today
we're gonna discuss human relations.Copy !req
302. Otherwise known as...Copy !req
303. human relations.Copy !req
304. I am your substitute teacher.Copy !req
305. My name is Peggy Hill.Copy !req
306. Okey-dokey. Any questions so far?Copy !req
307. - Dad?
- What?Copy !req
308. I just wanted to say,
you don't have to worry about me...Copy !req
309. because I'm never gonna have sex.Copy !req
310. Oh, Bobby! Now don't say that!Copy !req
311. I thought that's what you wanted.Copy !req
312. Well, yes, if you were my daughter.
But you're my son.Copy !req
313. Why is it not okay for girls,
but it's okay for boys?Copy !req
314. It's called the double
standard, Bobby.Copy !req
315. Don't knock it. We got
the long end of the stick on that one.Copy !req
316. I see. That's why Mom's bad
for talking about sex.Copy !req
317. Bobby, look, just because your mom's
been using those words...Copy !req
318. doesn't mean she's bad.
She's just trying to do her job.Copy !req
319. Give the kids the proper
names for things.Copy !req
320. Imagine how hard that is for
your mother, trying to teach...Copy !req
321. a roomful of snickering 5th-graders...Copy !req
322. the difference between
a boy and a girl's...Copy !req
323. you know, hook-ups.Copy !req
324. That woman's got a lot of guts,
I'll tell you what.Copy !req
325. That's Mrs. Peggy Hill.Copy !req
326. H-I-L-L.Copy !req
327. You can call me Mrs. Hill,
you can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill.Copy !req
328. Okay. Come on, Peggy Hill.
You can do this.Copy !req
329. Okay, today's subject...Copy !req
330. Just have a seat.Copy !req
331. I'm sure your teacher can tell you
everything you need to know.Copy !req
332. She was Substitute Teacher of
the Year, 1996, I understand.Copy !req
333. All right, class. Let's do it.Copy !req
334. Today I'm gonna teach you Sex Ed.Copy !req
335. It's difficult subject matter.Copy !req
336. But if we approach it
with common sense...Copy !req
337. I believe we might learn something
that could enrich our lives.Copy !req
338. But before we begin, please bring
your permission slips up to my desk.Copy !req
339. Those whose parents did not give
you permission to learn with me...Copy !req
340. you can read for an hour
in the school library.Copy !req
341. - Sorry, Peggy.
- Sorry, Mrs. Peggy Hill.Copy !req
342. Looks like
it's just you and me, Mom.Copy !req
343. Okay, son.Copy !req
344. Well, let's begin with the difference
between boys and girls.Copy !req
345. You mean the penis?Copy !req
346. Yes, the penis.Copy !req
347. Hello? Bobby?Copy !req
348. Luanne? Well, is anybody home?Copy !req
349. Where is everybody?Copy !req
350. I sent the kids off to
see a double feature.Copy !req
351. May I have this dance?Copy !req
352. Smooth elbows, Peg.Copy !req
353. I seem to recall
you kind of like being dipped.Copy !req
354. Oh, Hank. Watch your back.Copy !req
355. Good as ever.Copy !req
356. Are you okay?Copy !req
357. Uh-huh.Copy !req
358. Well, as long as we're down here...Copy !req
359. Hello. You have reached
the Hill residence.Copy !req
360. Please leave a message at the tone.Copy !req
361. You don't know who I am.Copy !req
362. But I know where you
live, Sex Ed teacher.Copy !req
363. And you better cut it out
if you know what's good for you.Copy !req
364. Oh, and Hank, we changed
that tee-off time to 3:00. See ya.Copy !req