1. Yep.Copy !req
2. Yep.Copy !req
3. - Yep.Copy !req
4. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
5. You know what it could be?Copy !req
6. That damn starter motor.Copy !req
7. You getting good compression?Copy !req
8. Yeah.Copy !req
9. I know what's wrong with it.Copy !req
10. It's a Ford.Copy !req
11. You know what they say
"Ford" stands for, don't you?Copy !req
12. It stands for "Fix it again, Tony."Copy !req
13. You're thinking of a Fiat, dale.Copy !req
14. Fix... It... Again.Copy !req
15. I tell you what you do,Copy !req
16. you just take them dang ol' spark plugs
out that little hole.Copy !req
17. You just put a little oil round there.Copy !req
18. It'll go bu-bu-boom! Just like that.Copy !req
19. Well, I wish it were
that simple, Boomhauer.Copy !req
20. But I'll tell you
what my truck really needs,Copy !req
21. leadership.Copy !req
22. Detroit hasn't felt any real prideCopy !req
23. since George Bush went to JapanCopy !req
24. and vomited on their auto executives.Copy !req
25. Who's ready?Copy !req
26. Y'all catch the Seinfeld show
last night?Copy !req
27. - Yep.Copy !req
28. - Aw, hell, I missed it.Copy !req
29. I tell you what. You see that part where
dang ol' George come in there.Copy !req
30. He's talkin' about tastin' his own birdCopy !req
31. and Kramer comes slidin' in.Copy !req
32. I'll tell you what, man,Copy !req
33. them dang ol' New York boys,
just a show about nothin'.Copy !req
34. - What you listening to, son?Copy !req
35. I don't think you'd like it.Copy !req
36. Well, why not?Copy !req
37. I like this new generation of music.Copy !req
38. Hello.Copy !req
39. Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds.Copy !req
40. Where did you record this?Copy !req
41. I bought it at the mall.
It's the Funny Phone Jerks.Copy !req
42. Let me tell you, Bobby.Copy !req
43. There's nothing funny about these sounds.Copy !req
44. What that person on your tape hasCopy !req
45. is a medical disorder.Copy !req
46. Now, get ready for the game, okay?Copy !req
47. - Yes, sir.Copy !req
48. That boy ain't right.Copy !req
49. - Oh, God!Copy !req
50. Luanne, I thought you went home.Copy !req
51. No, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
52. Mom and Dad are still fighting.Copy !req
53. Well, you're welcome to stayCopy !req
54. But for god's sakes, girl, lock the door.Copy !req
55. I've got a minor son living in this house.Copy !req
56. So, are you ready
to kick some wildcat butt, Bobby?Copy !req
57. Okay.Copy !req
58. - Now, don't you worry, son.Copy !req
59. You just do your best.Copy !req
60. Don't listen to her, Bobby.Copy !req
61. If you want to win,Copy !req
62. you're going to have to do better
than your best.Copy !req
63. How do I do that?Copy !req
64. You got to give 110 percent.Copy !req
65. That's what'll give you that winning edge.Copy !req
66. But what if the wildcats
give 110 percent, too?Copy !req
67. Well, then you got to try even harder.Copy !req
68. How about if Bobby gave 112 percent?Copy !req
69. Sure. That'd work.Copy !req
70. Or maybe 113.Copy !req
71. Yeah, yeah, that's even better.Copy !req
72. Mm. No, Uh-uh. I don't know.Copy !req
73. 13 is a very unlucky number.Copy !req
74. Look. We're not talking about 13.Copy !req
75. We're talking about 113 and even...Copy !req
76. Okay, give 112. What's the difference?Copy !req
77. Look, Bobby,
just do your best, okay?Copy !req
78. Swing, Bobby!Copy !req
79. Swing! Swing!Copy !req
80. Y'all did dang ol' did... ball one.Copy !req
81. Good eye, honey. Good eye.Copy !req
82. Aw, for crying out loud.Copy !req
83. Bobby, you can't make an omelet
without breaking eggsCopy !req
84. and you can't get on base
without taking a swing.Copy !req
85. The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?Copy !req
86. Don't play lawyer-ball, son.Copy !req
87. Hit the next one out of the park.Copy !req
88. Run!Copy !req
89. - Run! Run!Copy !req
90. Whew!Copy !req
91. Look at the batter, boy.Copy !req
92. Watch the ball.Copy !req
93. Huh? What?Copy !req
94. Hey, don't look at me.Copy !req
95. Keep your eye on the ball.Copy !req
96. Keep my eye on the what?Copy !req
97. Stop looking at me, boy.Copy !req
98. Watch the ball.Copy !req
99. - Can't hear you, Dad.Copy !req
100. - Ahh.
- Ohh!Copy !req
101. Don't worry, Bobby.
You played a good game.Copy !req
102. I got to stop in here for a minuteCopy !req
103. and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die.Copy !req
104. Manager register 47, please.Copy !req
105. I hate this place.Copy !req
106. Excuse me.Copy !req
107. Where's the hardware department?Copy !req
108. Where is the hardware department?Copy !req
109. Um, hmmph.Copy !req
110. - What exactly is it you're looking for?Copy !req
111. The hardware department.Copy !req
112. Yeah, but are you looking
for a tool or something?Copy !req
113. What difference does it make?Copy !req
114. - Huh. What difference does it make?Copy !req
115. Okay, I'm looking for
a tap and die and WD-40.Copy !req
116. Huh. What is it that you're trying to do?Copy !req
117. I'm trying to buy a tap and die
and some WD-40Copy !req
118. and get out of this godforsaken store.Copy !req
119. Oh. And what is a tap and die?Copy !req
120. Okay, forget it.Copy !req
121. Let's say I want a hammer.Copy !req
122. Do you know what a hammer is?Copy !req
123. That's what I want, a darned hammer.Copy !req
124. Now, where in the hell would I go?Copy !req
125. Hey. That's that Hank Hill
that lives in the block next to us.Copy !req
126. - He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
- He sure does.Copy !req
127. Makes you wonder who gave his boy
that black eye.Copy !req
128. Uh... You're going to have
to pay for that, dude.Copy !req
129. You're fired!Copy !req
130. Ella said she saw Hank hit his son.Copy !req
131. Really? Well, I heard he threatened
a clerk in Mega Lo MartCopy !req
132. with a hammer.Copy !req
133. Did you hear about Hank Hill?
He beat up his son.Copy !req
134. And then some ladies in
Mega Lo Mart tried to stop him.Copy !req
135. And he beat them up, too.Copy !req
136. Well, somebody really ought to report him
for the boy's sake.Copy !req
137. You say he hit his son with a bat?Copy !req
138. - No, that is definitely not acceptable.Copy !req
139. - I wish I could, ma'am,Copy !req
140. but the regulations say
we can't take custody of the boyCopy !req
141. - without an interview.Copy !req
142. Don't you worry. He's in the system now.Copy !req
143. I am on my way.Copy !req
144. Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck.Copy !req
145. It's your quote, unquoteCopy !req
146. - pollution controls.Copy !req
147. I heard on talk radio
you don't even need them.Copy !req
148. They're just an egghead government plot.Copy !req
149. How is cutting down on pollutionCopy !req
150. a government plot, Dale?Copy !req
151. - Open up your eyes, man.Copy !req
152. They're trying to control global warming.
Get it?Copy !req
153. - Glo-bal.Copy !req
154. - So what?Copy !req
155. That's code for U.N. Commissars
telling AmericansCopy !req
156. what temperature it's going
to be in our outdoors.Copy !req
157. I say, let the world warm up.Copy !req
158. See what "boutros boutros
golly golly" thinks about that.Copy !req
159. - We'll grow oranges in Alaska.Copy !req
160. Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas.Copy !req
161. - It's already 110 in the summer,Copy !req
162. and if it gets one degree hotter
I'm going to kick your arse.Copy !req
163. What in God's name is that thumping sound?Copy !req
164. Bobby, why don't you
go out and help your Daddy?Copy !req
165. You have been watching
way too much TV, son.Copy !req
166. - Huh?Copy !req
167. Come on, Bobby, up.Copy !req
168. No more TV. Turn it off.Copy !req
169. Oh. Oh, god love that poor man.Copy !req
170. - Oh!Copy !req
171. There.Copy !req
172. That's better.Copy !req
173. Hello.Copy !req
174. I'm a social worker with the state.Copy !req
175. Would you mind if I talked
to you for a minute?Copy !req
176. - Well, sure. Come on in.Copy !req
177. Darn it. There it is again.Copy !req
178. Where is that thumping coming from?Copy !req
179. It's driving me crazy.Copy !req
180. Could be far-off helicopters.Copy !req
181. U.N. Helicopters.Copy !req
182. Dale, what are you doing?Copy !req
183. Give me some light!Copy !req
184. - Now! I can't see!Copy !req
185. Ow! My arm!Copy !req
186. - Ow! My head! Ow!Copy !req
187. Ow! Ahh!Copy !req
188. Mrs. Hill, would you say
your husband has a bad temper?Copy !req
189. Who, Hank?Copy !req
190. No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb.Copy !req
191. Ahh... Da...Copy !req
192. No more bouncing that ball.Copy !req
193. - Hank, we have a visitor.Copy !req
194. So, your assertion, Mr. Hill,
is that Bobby got the black eyeCopy !req
195. at his baseball game?Copy !req
196. That's not my "assertion".
That's what happened.Copy !req
197. - Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill?
- No.Copy !req
198. What the heck are you writing?Copy !req
199. All you got to write is one word, "No".Copy !req
200. Mr. Hill, I feel that you're
coming from an anger mindset.Copy !req
201. And if you're projecting
this anger onto meCopy !req
202. it gives me grave concernsCopy !req
203. as to how you facilitate
your son's growth in private.Copy !req
204. Mister, I have not begun to project
my anger onto you.Copy !req
205. Mrs. Hill, how did you get
this here on your forehead?Copy !req
206. Oh, this? Bobby threw his baseball...Copy !req
207. You threw a baseball at your mother?Copy !req
208. Oh, Hank, it was an accident.Copy !req
209. So would this be the same "Baseball"
that gave Bobby the black eye?Copy !req
210. - Uh, DaleCopy !req
211. You sure you want
to mess with Hank's truckCopy !req
212. when he's not around?Copy !req
213. I'm going to help get him
this alternator off.Copy !req
214. Uh, Dale, I think you released
the brake cable...Copy !req
215. Dale!Copy !req
216. No, I didn't.Copy !req
217. I guess I better get going.Copy !req
218. I got some edgin' to do.Copy !req
219. Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill?Copy !req
220. Well, yes, I do.Copy !req
221. I'm a substitute Spanish teacher.Copy !req
222. los estudiantes son mis ah-migos.Copy !req
223. - And you just have the one son?Copy !req
224. Uh-huh.Copy !req
225. Yeah, well, we would've liked
to have more kidsCopy !req
226. - but Hank has a narrow urethra.
- Peggy...Copy !req
227. - In fact, Hank's sperm count...
- That's enough!Copy !req
228. What in the hell did
you tell him that for?Copy !req
229. Well, he asked me.Copy !req
230. He asked you how many kids we have.
He didn't ask you about my glands.Copy !req
231. Please, Mr. Hill?Copy !req
232. Loud is not allowed.Copy !req
233. What the...?Copy !req
234. "Loud is not allowed"?Copy !req
235. Now, you listen to me, mister.Copy !req
236. I work for a living.Copy !req
237. And I mean real work
not writing down gobbledygook.Copy !req
238. - I provide the peopleCopy !req
239. of this communityCopy !req
240. with propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
241. Oh, when I think of all
my hard-earned tax dollarsCopy !req
242. going to pay a bunch of little
twig-boy bureaucrats like youCopy !req
243. it just makes me want to...Copy !req
244. Oh-ho... Oh, God, it just...Copy !req
245. God...Copy !req
246. Hank?Copy !req
247. Honey, bring me my BC Headache powder
and a glass of water.Copy !req
248. All right, Hank.Copy !req
249. Now, you listen here.Copy !req
250. You see that boy? That's my boy...Copy !req
251. And if you ever try to take him away,
so help me, God,Copy !req
252. I'll tear you a new one
bigger than the grand canyon.Copy !req
253. Now, I want youCopy !req
254. - to get out of my house.Copy !req
255. You're not welcome here.Copy !req
256. I mean now! Before I give you a black eye!Copy !req
257. Git!Copy !req
258. You want to know about old Hank?Copy !req
259. Well, Hank's got a lot of problems.Copy !req
260. Hey, baby! How about a couple of beers?Copy !req
261. Sorry, sug, got to go.Copy !req
262. I got another Migraine treatment
with John Redcorn.Copy !req
263. Nancy, you been going to thatCopy !req
264. - healer for 12 years...Copy !req
265. and you still get
headaches every night.Copy !req
266. Healing process takes time, honey.Copy !req
267. Getting back
to the Hill family,Copy !req
268. have you ever seen Hank
hit his child, Bobby?Copy !req
269. Hank? No, sir.Copy !req
270. - Bobby's his pride and joy...Copy !req
271. 'cause of his narrow urethra.Copy !req
272. - Are you absolutely sure?
- Hundred percent.Copy !req
273. You can ask my son.
He's Bobby's best friend.Copy !req
274. Joseph!Copy !req
275. What is it, Daddy?Copy !req
276. You ever seen Hank hit Bobby?Copy !req
277. Nuh-uh, never.Copy !req
278. - See?Copy !req
279. Now, you can just move along now.Copy !req
280. - I been calling y'all people for...Copy !req
281. better than a month now.Copy !req
282. Gripe about y'all every time
that dang old dogCopy !req
283. crosses the street, starts yapping his
jaw, 24 hours a day,Copy !req
284. and nobody answered...Copy !req
285. How are you supposed to come out
and do anything about that dogCopy !req
286. if you're just gonna get a damn computer,Copy !req
287. ain't gonna come over here and shut
that dang old dog up.Copy !req
288. - And then some weirdo came overCopy !req
289. and was asking us a bunch of questions.Copy !req
290. Yeah, he asked me if your Dad
ever whupped you.Copy !req
291. - He hasn't, right?
- Of course not.Copy !req
292. You know my Dad. He's all bark.Copy !req
293. Boy, that guy got him mad, though.Copy !req
294. My Dad was like...Copy !req
295. "Get out of my house!Copy !req
296. My boy ain't much, but he's all I got."Copy !req
297. You do great impressions!Copy !req
298. Let me try.Copy !req
299. I'll tear you a new one!Copy !req
300. When I get my hands on you,
you little pea-brainCopy !req
301. I'll bust your butt into little pieces!Copy !req
302. - Oh, I knew it.Copy !req
303. Good God, Peggy, this
was on my road and track.Copy !req
304. Luanne!
Luanne, honey, could we talk to you?Copy !req
305. Oh, wait, wait, not while I'm here.Copy !req
306. Mama's in jail.Copy !req
307. She was saving a quart of beer
for before bedCopy !req
308. and Daddy threw it out,Copy !req
309. and she went after him with a fork.Copy !req
310. The trailer tipped over, and
everything went upside-downCopy !req
311. and it'll all be on Real Stories
of the Highway Patrol.Copy !req
312. And the wig I styled for beauty academy
is ruined...Copy !req
313. What am I going to do, Uncle Hank?Copy !req
314. Uh, uh, there, there, uh...Copy !req
315. You can, uh, stay with us
till your mama comes home.Copy !req
316. And you'll, uh, style a new wig
better than before.Copy !req
317. Uh... I'll let you use my tools.Copy !req
318. - Oh, thanks, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
319. She has got to go.Copy !req
320. Bobby? Bobby, are you all right?
Come on out.Copy !req
321. I thought I told you to get lost.Copy !req
322. Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
323. I can put you with a nice
foster family in North ArlenCopy !req
324. where you can develop
healthy life adaptations,Copy !req
325. and they've got a pool.Copy !req
326. Honey, let's give him Luanne.Copy !req
327. Hey, I got a girl in here
you can take right now.Copy !req
328. Don't you want to live
in a house with a pool?Copy !req
329. - No.
- See, twig-boy?Copy !req
330. Now, get your skinny butt
off of my property.Copy !req
331. Bobby, I know you can't
talk in front of him.Copy !req
332. I said, get! Get! Get out of here!Copy !req
333. You are out of control!Copy !req
334. - You're out of control, twiggy!Copy !req
335. Mm. Thanks for the latte, Kenneth.Copy !req
336. Anthony, could I see you a minute?Copy !req
337. So on this Hill family case,Copy !req
338. you couldn't confirm any actual abuseCopy !req
339. but you still recommended
the State take custody?Copy !req
340. Uh, oh, yeah.
The whole neighborhood was redneck city.Copy !req
341. Did you see in the report
how he dented my geo?Copy !req
342. "Redneck city." That's pretty funny.Copy !req
343. - Where're you from, son?
- Los Angeles.Copy !req
344. Hmm.Copy !req
345. Let's see here, "Hit by a baseball."Copy !req
346. So, uh, how did you like old Harvey?Copy !req
347. - Who's Harvey?
- He's the Little League coach.Copy !req
348. You did talk to the
Little League coach, didn't you?Copy !req
349. Son, have you lost your mind?Copy !req
350. Wait... Dad...Copy !req
351. You're not supposed to yell at me anymore.Copy !req
352. The guy from the state saidCopy !req
353. your hostility invalidates
our parent-child contract.Copy !req
354. You're quoting that twig-boy at me?Copy !req
355. Hank, the neighbors...Copy !req
356. Remember, he said loud
is not allowed, Dad.Copy !req
357. - Or they'll take me away.Copy !req
358. Oh, God.Copy !req
359. Hello.Copy !req
360. Is this the Hill residence?Copy !req
361. Who am I talking to?Copy !req
362. Bobby Hill.Copy !req
363. Well, son, this is
the State Social Services.Copy !req
364. We're calling off our
investigation of your father.Copy !req
365. The worker that visited youCopy !req
366. will be leaving the office
and going back to LA.Copy !req
367. Now, you please tell your parents
we apologize for the misunderstanding.Copy !req
368. Okay, I'll tell them. Bye.Copy !req
369. - Bobby, who was that?Copy !req
370. Uh...Copy !req
371. Wrong number.Copy !req
372. - Mm-hm.Copy !req
373. I borrowed your truck
this morning, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
374. It wouldn't start at first...Copy !req
375. - ...'cause you had a clogged fuel lineCopy !req
376. but I blew it clean.Copy !req
377. Hm.Copy !req
378. Hey, Bobby, go plug
this in the garage for me.Copy !req
379. Okay.Copy !req
380. Want to see something cool?Copy !req
381. - What in the heck?Copy !req
382. Don't you see I'm working here?
Close the dang door!Copy !req
383. Uh, Bob... Just keep... Put... Stop!Copy !req
384. Stop hitting that button!Copy !req
385. Give me that thing!Copy !req
386. Dad, that's not respectful
adult-child growth dialogue.Copy !req
387. I'll give you dialogue...Copy !req
388. that's not coming from a center of anger.Copy !req
389. Please return the garage door
to its factory pre-set down position.Copy !req
390. That is cool.Copy !req
391. Bobby! Hey!Copy !req
392. Please, uh, respectCopy !req
393. - my fence's right to be a fence.Copy !req
394. Now!Copy !req
395. - You can't do nothing!Copy !req
396. - Ahh, ahh. Hey, hey.
- You can't do anything!Copy !req
397. - You're all wet, Dad.Copy !req
398. - Kreeeek.Copy !req
399. Thump, thump, thump...Copy !req
400. What on God's green earth
are you making those noises for?Copy !req
401. They're sound effects.
Like that guy on police academy?Copy !req
402. That's what I'm going to do
when I grow up, I decided.Copy !req
403. And Dad can't say "Boo" about it.Copy !req
404. Bobby, a man from the
child protective servicesCopy !req
405. just came by.Copy !req
406. Now, he said that he told you last week
that this investigation was off.Copy !req
407. Oh...Copy !req
408. Please don't tell Dad!Copy !req
409. Well, son, I have to. He's been worried.Copy !req
410. But I like him better this way.Copy !req
411. How come?Copy !req
412. I can make him love me,
even when I screw up.Copy !req
413. Is that what you think?Copy !req
414. It's hard, Peggy.Copy !req
415. I don't want to lose my little boy.
My only son.Copy !req
416. But, oh, it's hard.Copy !req
417. Well, you can relax.Copy !req
418. The investigation has been off for a week.
Only Bobby didn't tell us.Copy !req
419. - I'll kill him!
- All right, calm down, honey.Copy !req
420. Now let me explain.Copy !req
421. He didn't do it to be mean.Copy !req
422. Bobby honestly doesn't think
that you love him all the time.Copy !req
423. That's crazy. 'Course I love him.Copy !req
424. Very good.Copy !req
425. Now, say it to Bobby.Copy !req
426. What are you talking about?Copy !req
427. I want you to tell Bobby
that your love for him is unconditional.Copy !req
428. I can't say that.Copy !req
429. I can't!Copy !req
430. You know how I was raised,
what my father's like.Copy !req
431. - I got my shins blown offCopy !req
432. by a Japan-man's machine gun.Copy !req
433. So don't come crying
to me with your problems.Copy !req
434. Honey, I am begging you
for the sake of this familyCopy !req
435. you have got to do it.Copy !req
436. He's waiting for you out on the porch.Copy !req
437. Aw, geez.Copy !req
438. Darn twig-boy comes over here.Copy !req
439. - And you got to...Copy !req
440. - Uh, you, uh...Copy !req
441. You're my son, uh...Copy !req
442. Well, you know, with everything, uh...Copy !req
443. that entails, uh...Copy !req
444. Uh-huh?Copy !req
445. Uh...Copy !req
446. Huh. You know, uh,
feelings of, uh, fondnessCopy !req
447. and more, uh...Copy !req
448. You know what I mean, don't you, boy?Copy !req
449. No.Copy !req
450. Ah... Well, uh...Copy !req
451. Oh. That's a heck of a weird sound.Copy !req
452. I never made that before.Copy !req
453. Uh, I, you, uh, family.Copy !req
454. You're not making this easy on me, boy.Copy !req
455. Okay, I love you no matter what you do.Copy !req
456. There! Whew!Copy !req
457. Let's go get something to eat.Copy !req
458. I'm not...Copy !req
459. - Just a big disappointment to you?Copy !req
460. Disappointment?Copy !req
461. No, you make me proud!Copy !req
462. I've been disappointedCopy !req
463. by just about everything
else in this town.Copy !req
464. But you? Not once.Copy !req
465. Darn it, you're my boy.Copy !req
466. You know better than that.Copy !req
467. He punched him!Copy !req
468. I knew it! I told them.Copy !req
469. Did you see that?Copy !req
470. See what, twig-boy?Copy !req
471. Never mind.Copy !req