King of the Hill 15x9

1. I know you're not a morning person,

2. but get your dang head in the game, Boomhauer.

3. Talkin' 'bout ol' 4:00 a.m., dang ol' ass-crack o' dawn, man.

4. You know what they say.

5. The early bird catches the worm.

6. - Here's five. - So, you don't own one jar?

7. Dale, what the heck is all that?

8. It's my magnet fishing kit.

9. I don't understand. Fish aren't metal.

10. Although there are silverfish and goldfish...

11. Are fish metal?

12. Doesn't matter. I will be fishing for treasure.

13. Ooh!

14. This is the strongest magnet fishing set

15. in the world, and—

16. I'll be fine. Just go slow on the highway.

17. I'm telling ya, Hank, magnet fishers find all kinds of cool stuff.

18. Safes full of money, old jewelry, you name it.

19. Who knows? Maybe I'll find Amelia Earhart's plane.

20. - She disappeared in the South Pacific. Wrong!

21. To avoid being prosecuted for her spy crimes,

22. the CIA relocated her to Texas and hid her plane.

23. She's now a greeter at Mega Lo Mart.

24. She'd be 130 years old.

25. That'd make her the youngest greeter there.

26. Dale, that's asinine.

27. Can we stop and see Big Tex?

28. He's visiting the Heimlich County Fair this week.

29. No, we already lost an hour figurin' out

30. how to get your stupid magnet off my truck.

31. I could have sworn I read that peeing on it would help get it off.

32. But you were right. That's jellyfish.

33. Is this all you packed?

34. What if I last all eight weeks on King of the Grill?

35. I know you'll make it to the end. I just always pack light.

36. I can make a bra last two weeks between washes.

37. My record's a whole month... and counting.

38. Luckily, the show's putting us in a four-star hotel.

39. I'm sure there are people there who just wash bras.

40. Ooh, I didn't know dating a contestant came with so many perks.

41. It's gonna be so great for my career.

42. The guy who won season four got a second restaurant in Vegas

43. and a cocaine problem.

44. Well, if you wanna win, listen to me.

45. I've watched every reality show format,

46. from white people eating weird stuff to white people dating weird stuff.

47. Thanks, but this is just a cooking competition.

48. The spiciest thing will be my wasabi meatballs.

49. Are you sure I won't be in your way for eight whole weeks?

50. Are you kidding me? It's gonna be great!

51. Kinda like a practice run for us living together.

52. True!

53. And think of the pros of moving in with me!

54. Like no more asking Ola to give us five more minutes

55. to finish a movie?

56. I know what y'all really be doing.

57. Yeah, she does.

58. We are watching the blooper reel.

59. Bobby the Kid!

60. Let me guess, you're sizing up the competition,

61. figuring out who to target, who to betray,

62. - or who to stab in the back! - No need.

63. I've studied every challenge from every season,

64. especially the "prison food" season.

65. You wanna hear how to make hooch sake in a toilet?

66. Oh, we've completely changed the format.

67. We've got some great new twists.

68. Twists? What kind of twists?

69. You mean, like cooking blindfolded?

70. Because I get vertigo.

71. It once took me four hours to hit a pinata,

72. and when I took the blindfold off, I was down the street.

73. Oh, here, meet Claire.

74. Claire, Bobby. Bobby, Claire.

75. Before we found you, our boy genius,

76. Claire was the youngest contestant.

77. C-Claire? Are you related to Claire Danes?

78. Oh, wait, that doesn't make sense. I'm nervous.

79. So, are you from Texas?

80. Yes, but I just graduated from Nous Jetons.

81. Culinary school? In Paris?

82. Oh my goodness! It's Andre Rush!

83. Welcome, my friends, to King of the Grill,

84. the show for grilling enthusiasts from all over America.

85. I'm your host, Andre Rush, the world's strongest chef.

86. His shirts are even tighter in person!

87. Y'all look nervous.

88. Come and take a deep breath with me, okay?

89. Relaxed? Well, surprise!

90. The competition starts now!

91. Starting now?

92. Why did I have half a beer?

93. And another twist for this season, we're starting you off as pairs

94. based on the color of your name tag.

95. - Merde. - We get it.

96. You went to culinary school in France.

97. Welcome to our Grab Bag challenge,

98. where we throw a bunch of random ingredients in a bag

99. and you guys improvise. Fire up those grills!

100. Claire. Claire!

101. You're doing, like, everything. Let me help.

102. Fine. Get me a Diet Coke.

103. I don't know if you were just dismissing me,

104. but we're sponsored by Pepsi.

105. So, do you want me to get you a— Claire, wait. No, that's—

106. What the hell happened?

107. You grabbed the cooking oil instead of the rice wine.

108. Happens to me all the time.

109. I'm on my third set of eyebrows.

110. You have ten minutes left.

111. What? It'll take you ten minutes

112. just to clean the damn pan!

113. Why am I cleaning the pan?

114. Because I need to figure out

115. how to make travers de porc in ten minutes,

116. which I'm sure they didn't teach you at Chili's Community College.

117. You know what? Step aside.

118. Quick, wash these rocks!

119. Hmm, will you get my Nod of Approval

120. or my frown of disapproval?

121. Frown of disapproval!

122. Please, do not touch the rocks. They are very hot.

123. In feudal Japan, fishermen would utilize a style

124. called ishiyaki, which translates

125. to "stone-cooked."

126. By cutting the meat thinly, they could quickly cook

127. and savor its natural flavors.

128. I love the flavor and presentation.

129. Y'all have captured the true spirit of the Grab Bag.

130. You get my...

131. Nod of Approval!

132. Bobby and Claire win this round!

133. And cut.

134. Wow, you aren't just a hayseed

135. with too much product in your hair. That was quick thinking.

136. What, they didn't teach you ishiyaki at your Pepe Le Pew school?

137. - It's actually called— - I know what it's called.

138. Man, dang ol'...

139. No bites?

140. This used to be the best fishing spot on the river,

141. until Bill stuck his feet in the water.

142. I got chronic sweaty toes.

143. Where's the benefit concert for that?

144. I caught something!

145. Dang it, Dale, that must be it.

146. Your stupid magnet scared all the fish away.

147. Let's just go home.

148. I haven't got my treasure yet.

149. Who put you in charge of this fishing trip anyway?

150. Well, it was my idea, I—

151. Hold up! I've got something!

152. Quick, fellas, give me a hand!

153. But first, sign the waiver in my pocket saying the treasure's all mine.

154. Shut up and pull, Dale.

155. - Ooh! - Ahh!

156. Whoa, is that a real cannonball?

157. And where there's a cannonball, you know what else must be down there?

158. You done got it!

159. - Oh, look at that! Ha, ha! - Ohh!

160. I was hoping for more cannonballs, but a cannon is even better.

161. We're switching formats again.

162. You two are gonna stay paired up for the next challenge.

163. You guys have real chemistry.

164. Maybe we'll turn this into a "will they, won't they," thing.

165. Do you mean, "Will they, won't they cook

166. a good grilled salmon with capers?"

167. Come on, Bobby. You can't be that naive.

168. Oh, you'd be surprised.

169. It's one of those things that's so sexy about him.

170. What is happening?

171. It's called acting.

172. See? She gets it.

173. Yep, totally.

174. The more drama we give the audience,

175. the more screen time you give us.

176. We'd just be playing characters. It's not real.

177. Sure, I could play a character.

178. In middle school, I played Lil' Willy in Death of a Salesman Junior.

179. There you go. With this kind of exposure,

180. you'll each be able to grow your brand and open more restaurants.

181. Another restaurant? Robata Bobby.

182. Great! See you later, hot stuff.

183. You too, uh, lady I am into.

184. You'll get there.

185. The best way to clean a rusty cannon is with dish soap and a potato.

186. At least, according to cannoncleaners.net, which is very different

187. from cannoncleaners.com.

188. I'm the one who caught it, Hank.

189. Why does it have to be in your garage?

190. Does your garage still have unprocessed uranium in it?

191. Trace amounts.

192. A shit ton.

193. So, according to this book,

194. Confederate soldiers dumped their weapons in the river

195. as they were fleeing. Spud me!

196. - Whoa! - I've heard of that!

197. This is amazing.

198. We found an actual Civil War cannon.

199. Did that website say anything about the firing of said cleaned cannon?

200. Ooh! Good question, Dale.

201. Hell yeah, man. Talkin' 'bout that boom, boom.

202. Are you trying to get us killed?

203. - Shoot! - Shoot it!

204. - Gettin' on the boom! - No!

205. This is a piece of history.

206. It's our duty as Texans to donate it to the Arlen Historical Society.

207. Well, I hope this does not turn our quiet little town into a tourist trap.

208. Well, cleaning it up is only the first step.

209. Ah-ha. The second is shooting it.

210. No, Dale. The second step is building a cannon carriage.

211. - I get to use miter joints! - Pace yourself, honey.

212. I'll head to the lumber store, you guys keep de-rusting.

213. Why does Hank get to be the general

214. while we're stuck cannon-rubbing?

215. The Army taught me not to ask dangerous questions.

216. know that she was gonna do that either.

217. So, Bobby tells me you guys won the first challenge.

218. Yeah. I was shocked.

219. By the way, that stuff I said before about your lack of training...

220. Oh, like when you asked me if Grimace was one of my professors?

221. Or if my diploma had a maze on the back, or—

222. Yeah, all that. I was jealous.

223. I thought Isabel brought me in to be the hot, young chef.

224. You took my hook.

225. Oh. Sorry.

226. Don't be. You just motivated me more.

227. I'm gonna win and open my own restaurant in Dallas.

228. Uh, I think Dallas has enough restaurants right now,

229. thank you very much.

230. So, now that you and I are cool,

231. let's have some fun. Kobe!

232. Oh-ho-ho, it's on now!

233. Wagyu!

234. Oh, it's on now.

235. This is good. Are you getting it?

236. Yeah. Unh!

237. Good work, fellas.

238. You know, I bet if we put our ear to the barrel,

239. we can hear the sounds of Texas past.

240. And exploding Yankees.

241. Tomorrow morning, we take it to the Historical Society.

242. Did you hear that? Tonight is our last chance

243. to make a little history of our own.

244. A little boom, boom history.

245. But Hank said we could die!

246. And I said, boom, boom!

247. Mm, are you usin' a new salt?

248. Mm-hmm.

249. Hey, babe, you can go to bed if you're tired.

250. I gotta do some research for the street food challenge tomorrow.

251. Claire said she wants us to create the best grilled beef cheeks ever.

252. Are you sure she doesn't wanna do anything else?

253. Uh, well, she said she also wants to develop

254. a line of Spanx for chefs.

255. They say, "Never trust a skinny chef,"

256. but I guess skinny doesn't mean you can't be shapely.

257. No, Bobby. I'm saying Claire's not just thinking

258. of grilling cheeks, she's got a crush on you.

259. What? Oh, no, no. It's not what it looks like.

260. Well, she was definitely flirting with you all night.

261. "Hey Bobby, throw another olive.

262. Watch me catch it between my boobs."

263. She was just pretending for the show.

264. I thought this was "just a cooking competition."

265. I did too, but turns out Ola was right.

266. The spicier we are, the further we'll go.

267. Isabel wants us to play the "will they, won't they"

268. for the entire season.

269. You didn't even think about the fact that you have a girlfriend?

270. Babe, you have nothin' to worry about.

271. I promise, I won't let it go too far.

272. And here in the real world, there's zero competition.

273. Never has been, never will be.

274. Now, I got some cheeks to attend to.

275. I'm sure you'll do well tomorrow.

276. I'm talkin' about me and the bidet.

277. Tonight!

278. See? No one around for miles.

279. Even if we overshoot or undershoot, it's fine.

280. Boomhauer, the gunpowder.

281. - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! - Whoa!

282. Did we just start a war?

283. Calm down. Maybe it won't hit anything.

284. That could have been someone else's cannonball.

285. So, to make our curtido for the street food challenge,

286. we need to make sure we get a firm head of cabbage.

287. Ooh! That's just how I like it.

288. Are you more of a breast man or a leg man?

289. I've been known to nibble on both.

290. Good, good. More of that.

291. I guess it's gettin' pretty hot in here.

292. Does this look like fresh celery to you?

293. Ow! That felt pretty fresh.

294. This is rhubarb. Are you color blind?

295. You have been pushing against me from the start.

296. - Seriously? - Sam and Jeremy

297. are trying to steal our thunder.

298. You're triggering my past trauma.

299. And it's working. What are we gonna do?

300. Well, I know one thing that beats a slap.

301. What's that?

302. What are you doing?

303. Getting the cameras back on us.

304. Go with it.

305. - What the? - Connie!

306. I came down here to cheer you on because I felt guilty

307. for being suspicious, but I see that I was right.

308. Connie!

309. Knock it off!

310. Quiet as a field mouse. Now, let's get out of here.

311. Nobody will ever know what we did. Right, Hank?

312. - Gih! - Did what, Dale?

313. We fired the cannon and we don't know where it landed!

314. Maybe it hit somebody. But maybe it was an evil guy.

315. On the other hand, who are we to say who's good and who's evil?

316. We can say who's smart and who's an idiot.

317. Are we the idiots, Hank?

318. Yes. Mainly for listening to Dale.

319. Maybe now, you see why that's somethin' I never do!

320. Connie, don't leave.

321. Wait, are you stealing the Nespresso pods?

322. Not stopping you.

323. Look, I don't know how much you saw, but—

324. I saw you and that floozy chef making some kind of food porn!

325. She ambushed me! And I didn't kiss back.

326. I'm sorry. I promise that won't happen again.

327. You already broke your promise.

328. Unless her grabbing your ass wasn't going too far for you.

329. Look, that was too far, but—

330. It wasn't real? I know it wasn't, I really do.

331. But I came to support you and see what living together might be like,

332. not to be humiliated.

333. Good luck with the rest of the competition,

334. I hope your little plan with Claire works.

335. This isn't helping.

336. Oh, Connie, Connie!

337. Nope. Dang ol' not it. Nope.

338. How 'bout you just say something when you see it?

339. Was Big Tex always a hippie?

340. He most certainly was not.

341. Oh, my God, you've shot Big Tex.

342. It's not so bad.

343. Who doesn't love peace?

344. Dangit, Dale! Now, Big Tex is flipping off all of Texas.

345. Go sit in the truck and don't touch anything,

346. or I'll kick your ass.

347. But I like the radio, Hank, you know that.

348. Don't touch anything.

349. I can't trust you not to do somethin' stupid,

350. like press a button that blows up my truck.

351. You've got a button like that, too?

352. Truck!

353. Jackasses two and three, grab a finger and follow me.

354. Dibs on the thumb!

355. Like I always say, never leave home without your welder's kit.

356. He does always say that, but I still often forget.

357. Whoa!

358. I'm fine.

359. I'm fine, I just have to do one simple pull-up.

360. This is exactly what President Ford prepared the entire country for

361. with his physical fitness test.

362. Dang ol', hold on, man!

363. Dear God, I know I haven't always been the best.

364. I looked upon a neighbor's lawn with lust in my heart and—

365. I'll get you, Hank!

366. Wingo, man!

367. Got a big one. Help me lower him down.

368. Oh, he's a keeper.

369. Well, I'm glad you didn't listen to me and left the truck, Dale.

370. Well, it worked this time,

371. but maybe it's best if you still make the decisions.

372. Also, that magnet may have made you sterile.

373. Uh-oh, people on my Neighbor app heard loud noises

374. and saw a strange flying object. They're onto us!

375. What do we do?

376. Dale, what do you think?

377. Well, the obvious answer is, we tap into the water supply

378. and taint it with a hallucinogenic compound

379. that makes people question reality itself.

380. Or your second thought.

381. Well, I guess some things are meant to stay buried.

382. Kinda makes you think 'bout it, you know, like a dang ol' brother against brother,

383. and end up in a dang ol' alley divided, man.

384. And then ol' Big Tex. Unity, man.

385. I couldn't have said it better myself, Boomhauer.

386. I just saw an edit of your market kiss.

387. We put it in slow-mo and added some flames

388. at the bottom of the screen that rise up when your lips touch.

389. Oh, very hot.

390. So, it'd be great if you guys could take it up a notch this round.

391. Maybe get so distracted by your attraction

392. that you burn the dish on the grill,

393. but you don't care, 'cause the heat is hotter on your lips.

394. So, us staying on the show isn't about the food at all anymore?

395. We'll have Andre give you the Nod of Immunity, or something.

396. Hell, he's making half this shit up anyway.

397. He hasn't tasted anything since COVID.

398. Wow, you certainly are good...

399. at what you do.

400. Well, not just anyone

401. - can call themselves a producer. - Quiet! Rolling!

402. Actually, that's exactly how you become one.

403. Action!

404. I just crushed an apple with my bicep.

405. Why? Because in this final challenge,

406. our chefs will be making the barbecue side dishes

407. using fresh ingredients they found at the market.

408. Who will get the Nod of Approval?

409. The challenge starts now!

410. I'd like to make an announcement.

411. This is it. Here comes the heat.

412. You know, I thought cooking was my first love.

413. I mean, that's why we're all here, right?

414. But since I've been on this show,

415. I've discovered my real first love is...

416. Connie Souphanousinphone!

417. Who the is Connie Souphanousinphone?

418. What?

419. Connie is my real-life girlfriend.

420. She is the person I love being next to

421. when we're in the lineup for hours at the DMV.

422. That's the real deal,

423. when you love spending every moment with a person.

424. And I can't imagine having anyone else next to me

425. while doing our taxes, eating leftovers, doing laundry.

426. Connie, please move in with me?

427. Let's do this.

428. I will now read a long poem

429. that I wrote for Connie when I was 13.

430. Get the damn camera off this idiot before he bores the audience to death.

431. "Connie, oh, Connie.

432. "How much do I love you? Allow me to explain

433. over these 13 verses."

434. Whoa! That was better than the "drama-rrhea"

435. on Milf and Cookie Island.

436. Yeah, they filmed this a couple days ago.

437. I got to admit, that was pretty damn sweet.

438. Maybe I'll stop giving him the silent treatment

439. and head over to his place to tell him.

440. I think he knows.

441. And I think we know the answer

442. to "will they, won't they do that thang tonight."

443. Hey, Bobby.

444. Hey, we came for the dish we saw on TV,

445. we didn't think we'd see you both here!

446. Can we get a selfie with you two?

447. We're like the Bobby-Connie of our friend group

448. and they'd get a kick out of it.

449. - Bon appétit!

450. Sorry to bug you at work, but I got us a little

451. moving-in-together present.

452. - You didn't! - I did.

453. A home bidet attachment.

454. Connie Souphanousinphone, you are—

455. Love you, too.

456. Nod of Approval!

457. - Hank said we could die! - And I said, boom, boom!