King of the Hill 15x5

1. Now, let us honor the Lord with our call to offering.

2. At least here, we know the tips are goin' to the staff and not the owner.

3. And while you're in a giving mood, folks,

4. we have an urgent need for volunteers.

5. Did we get a new organist? It's a little jazzy for my taste.

6. Hank, maybe we should be more active in the church.

7. You mean, besides Sundays?

8. It's the only day God's looking.

9. Well, we have plenty of time now that Bobby's out of the house.

10. Ah, fine.

11. I just don't wanna do anything too churchy.

12. Maybe I could do somethin' with my hands.

13. You know, as long as it doesn't involve washing feet.

14. I have just the opportunity for you two.

15. The marriage ministry retreat is this weekend.

16. Talking about marriage? Isn't there somethin' else I could do?

17. Like washing feet, maybe.

18. We would be great mentors!

19. I am a professional educator, with a perfect marriage!

20. The Lord would be lucky to have me.

21. Oh, no, we don't need mentors.

22. Dale and Nancy Gribble are leading the ministry.

23. So, what will we be doing?

24. Well, we need someone to prepare and serve the food.

25. Like a cook-slash-waitress?

26. Peggy, Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life."

27. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Church ended ten minutes ago.

28. Maybe give it a rest.

29. - And, Hank, if you don't mind... - Uh, yeah?

30. The retreat center has seen better days,

31. so maybe you could do some maintenance work?

32. Light carpentry, electrical—

33. Pastor, you had me at "maintenance."

34. I'll do the work of Jesus and 12 disciples.

35. Wonderful. We'll see you Saturday.

36. If there's time, can I build a giant cross

37. you can see from the Space Station?

38. I already have the design.

39. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

40. Well, thanks for letting me know.

41. So, that was the producer from King of the Grill.

42. We know, we know! What'd they say?

43. Well, they didn't like my submission.

44. - I knew it! - Dios mio!

45. I hate that show!

46. Because they loved it!

47. - I knew it. - Way to go, boss!

48. I love that show!

49. They're sending a crew to shoot an audition tape,

50. which will just be a formality

51. when they see Chef Bobby's got "skillz."

52. And, yes, that's "skillz" with a "Z".

53. I'm gonna make these people the best meal they've ever had.

54. Money is no object.

55. I'm talkin' matsutake mushrooms, bluefin belly,

56. and wagyu up the wazoo.

57. Chef Bobby, wagyu beef is $300 a pound.

58. Wagyu halfway up the wazoo.

59. I'm glad you're here, Sug.

60. Ooh, boy, what a morning.

61. I woke up early and went down to the lake,

62. where I patched and painted

63. a vintage 1958 Old Town Trapper Canoe.

64. Now, I'm gonna go to town on some rotted window casings.

65. How can you be so happy?

66. They are giving us menial tasks. It is beneath us, Hank.

67. Peggy, there once was a humble carpenter who changed the world.

68. That's right, Bob Vila, host of This Old House.

69. His teachings on miter-saw safety will live forever.

70. Welcome. I'm Nancy Gribble.

71. As you know, I used to do the weather

72. on Channel 84.

73. Well, we're about to turn the cold fronts of our relationships

74. into warm fronts.

75. Does she not know that would create a tornado?

76. And I'm Dale Gribble.

77. Later, I'll teach you how to exterminate the five varmints of matrimony.

78. Criticism may look harmless...

79. but you don't want her nesting in the attic of your marriage.

80. I cannot listen to this.

81. Nancy and Dale are unqualified.

82. I should be fixing these marriages, Hank.

83. And I should be fixing that cracked casing.

84. I get to bust out my air compressor.

85. What a friend we have in Jesus.

86. Let's open our workbooks to chapter one.

87. "Communication"?

88. Well, that is rich.

89. That is not where I would have started.

90. What do y'all do to keep the lines of communication open?

91. Anyone? How 'bout you, Amy?

92. Well, lately, we've been trying mindful listening exercises.

93. Overkill, Amy.

94. Hank and I have a surefire way to communicate.

95. It's called the compliment sandwich.

96. Okay, any other techniques for—

97. I'd like to hear more about the compliment sandwich.

98. Of course!

99. Don't you have some pastries to pass out, Sug?

100. Would you mind, dear?

101. Excuse me, okay.

102. Now, the key to the compliment sandwich,

103. which is not an actual sandwich...

104. Yes, Miguel, show that bluefin who's boss!

105. Sandra, that looks delish.

106. You're the best at wurst.

107. Chef Bobby, are you wearing mascara?

108. Just to make my eyes pop.

109. A little trick I learned from my high school production

110. of Fiddler on the Roof.

111. - I was the roof! - Mm!

112. I love the smell of grilled meat and raw talent.

113. Don't switch those, you'll get trichinosis.

114. Hi, I'm Isabel, producer of King of the Grill.

115. Welcome to Robata Chane.

116. Hope you're ready, because I gotta lotta robata.

117. Save that wit for the show, boss!

118. And so, the Japanese fishermen cooked what they caught

119. in a stone box filled with hot coals.

120. That's why we serve our robata on a wooden oar,

121. to honor the humble seamen

122. who invented this method of cooking.

123. Okay, let's cut.

124. Is it because I said "seamen"?

125. I thought this was for cable.

126. I'm trying to think of a synonym for "boring"

127. that's not mean.

128. - Dry. - Flat.

129. - Lackluster. - Bereft of life.

130. Okay, Sandra.

131. Very extra, but point taken.

132. Look, you have to be entertaining

133. if we're gonna get this audition past the suits in Burbank.

134. Burbank! That's where they film Raven's Home.

135. Okay, thanks for the feedback.

136. Come back tomorrow and I'll give you the ol' razzle-dazzle.

137. As the Arlen High School Tribune said,

138. "You'll come for the fiddler, but you'll stay for the roof."

139. He even bought me a coffee mug that says,

140. "Happy wife, happy life."

141. Oh, Hank! Perfect timing.

142. I am fielding questions about our perfect marriage.

143. She sure is. We can't stop her.

144. - Come join me. - Or stop her.

145. No, thanks, I'm just the handyman.

146. I do my talkin' with this.

147. Hank, sit.

148. Next question?

149. How do you two handle the division of household duties?

150. Pass. Next person.

151. Well, I have always been in charge of the cooking.

152. In fact, Hank calls me his better half,

153. because I better "half" dinner on the table when he comes home.

154. Huh, that was one of my more popular musings in the Arlen Bystander.

155. Actually, I do the cooking in our family,

156. since my wife works while I stay home.

157. Don't you wish you could've been more involved in raising your kids?

158. Son, I don't know you well enough to tell if you're joking.

159. Well, I chose to stay home with our Bobby

160. while Hank brought home the bacon, which worked out,

161. because Bobby ate a lot of bacon.

162. Did you ever regret that decision?

163. - No. No regrets. - Oh, really, Sug?

164. I remember you tellin' me that you wished you had gone to college

165. and gotten a degree so that you could teach full-time.

166. - You did? - Well, I... I...

167. But you had to sacrifice so Hank could work.

168. You know, sometimes you do things for your husband's career.

169. - What about your career? - Yeah, Mr. Hill,

170. why let gender norms prevent her from following her dream?

171. I didn't even know she wanted to go to college.

172. Seriously?

173. Wow, talk about bad communication skills.

174. It's not bad communication,

175. it's just how we did things in our generation.

176. Nancy and Dale are the same generation as you,

177. but they're much more... modern.

178. I am modern! I worked part-time,

179. and I was the first woman in our neighborhood

180. to wear capri pants.

181. I think what he means, Sug, is that I'm the breadwinner in our family

182. and Dale is fine with it.

183. Only because his business is unsuccessful.

184. No, Hank, I'm evolved.

185. Not from monkeys, obviously.

186. From aliens. God's aliens.

187. So, that's two issues we've found

188. in the Hills' marriage. Let's keep lookin'.

189. Good thing I brought an extra rat.

190. Should we call him "Bad Communication" or just "Hank"?

191. Peggy, you can stop.

192. I've asked Walter and Amy to take over the food.

193. So I will have more time to teach?

194. No, I was thinking, given the communication issues

195. you and Hank seem to have, maybe you two should take the class.

196. - What? - From Nancy?

197. The Gribbles really are wonderful mentors.

198. If you approach it with an open mind, you might learn somethin'.

199. Open mind?

200. Where was that when I pitched a slide for the baptismal pool?

201. But if you insist.

202. It's times like this we have to ask ourselves,

203. "What would Bob Vila do?"

204. Welcome back, everyone.

205. As you can see, Hank and Peggy are joining us...

206. as students.

207. Hang in there, you two.

208. We will piece the shattered pieces of your wedded bliss back together.

209. We've got a fun exercise for y'all.

210. It's called a "Trust Walk."

211. One of you will be blindfolded.

212. You'll trust your spouse to guide you through the woods

213. using only verbal cues.

214. And we all know there's nothing more important in a marriage than trust.

215. - Ugh! - Okey-doke.

216. See y'all on the other side.

217. Trust? That is rich.

218. Coming from Nancy?

219. - Of all the hypocritical— - Ah!

220. Gotdangit, Peggy!

221. Oh, I am sorry, Hank. I am all worked up.

222. I just cannot listen to her lecture me.

223. Uh-huh. Do I go right or left?

224. Left. And we should be teaching this class.

225. I mean, Nancy is always coming to who?

226. Me, to talk about her issues with Dale.

227. And Lord knows those two have their issues.

228. Tell me about it.

229. Nancy's been cheating on Dale for 20 years.

230. Adultery? In the marriage ministry?

231. - Reverend Stroup! - Bwah!

232. We can explain, you see— bwah!

233. There's my sexy Guy Fieri.

234. Mwah. How are you feeling?

235. Great! I spent hours

236. watching the most popular contestants

237. on the most popular cooking shows.

238. They want flavor? I got all kinds of flavor, baby!

239. They can pick the one they likes.

240. Hello, I am your chef, Bobby Hill.

241. What a crowd, what a crowd. Taste my rice, please.

242. Hoo-boy!

243. It's hotter than a two-dicked dog out there.

244. So, pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and let Chef Bobby

245. - whip you up some vittles.

246. 'Sup?

247. Maybe I just need a catchphrase.

248. More salt!

249. Bwaah!

250. You've been served. Food.

251. Did I cook that?

252. You so hungry?

253. Mi-so soupy.

254. The suits in Burbank, they're gonna hate this.

255. Nancy Gribble? I had no idea.

256. This changes things.

257. - Who else knows? - Let's see.

258. Bill, Boomhauer,

259. Bobby, Connie, Kahn, Minh.

260. Basically, everybody but Dale.

261. And he can never find out. It would kill him.

262. Of course, but I can't let an adulterer lead the marriage ministry.

263. We're not Unitarians.

264. I guess my only option is letting you two take over,

265. just until the end of the retreat.

266. Here's the materials Nancy used. Good luck.

267. Today's the day I was gonna power-wash the driveway.

268. Some dreams die hard.

269. I don't get it. Why would a two-dicked dog be so hot?

270. I don't know.

271. Please tell me some of that worked.

272. If she's that good a liar, she deserves to have my job.

273. We really wanted to be in the Bobby Hill business.

274. But hey, not everyone is meant to be on TV.

275. I'm sorry.

276. - You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

277. I thought you did good, Chef Bobby.

278. Well, the geniuses of Hollywood don't agree.

279. 'Cause they're not looking for a great chef.

280. They're looking for "personality," whatever the hell that means.

281. Those pretentious idiots wouldn't know talent

282. if it was sous-vide-ed to the perfect temperature for them!

283. Are you getting this?

284. I am so sorry, ma'am.

285. - I did not mean that. - Are you kidding?

286. I'm craving more of that.

287. America loves a villain, somebody you love to hate.

288. And this show could use a heel.

289. OMG! You can be "Bobby Heel"!

290. "Heel" yeah!

291. Hey, it comes with a catchphrase!

292. I feel terrible.

293. Well, maybe they're takin' it better than we think.

294. Oh, honey.

295. Dale, are you okay?

296. No! The pastor just gave us the boot!

297. No way. We are so shocked!

298. You probably think I'm overreacting,

299. but we loved teaching that class.

300. This is probably my fault.

301. She must have realized I'm not as good of a husband

302. as I pretend to be.

303. There, there.

304. Maybe smokin' a cigarette would make you feel better.

305. Only because it brings me closer to death.

306. You don't think Reverend Karen

307. heard about any "un-Christian" behavior

308. that made her do this?

309. I do not see how she could have.

310. Sug, I know I'm not the ideal person to teach a marriage class,

311. but it always felt like a way to, I don't know, make it up to the universe.

312. Plus, coming out here, spending time with Dale,

313. it's been really good for our marriage.

314. - Nancy, I— - Bwah!

315. Somethin' just ran across my foot!

316. That's Money Problems.

317. He'll be devastated when I tell him we're done teaching.

318. He lives to educate.

319. Do you think Dale and Nancy read all these?

320. Maybe they know more than we gave them credit for.

321. Peggy, do you think we were too quick to judge 'em?

322. Like the way those stupid young couples judged us?

323. It is possible.

324. Dale and Nancy's marriage might look messy to us,

325. but 25 years later, they are still together.

326. Well, that says somethin', I'll tell you what.

327. Uh, Peggy?

328. About what you said in class, you know, about staying home with Bobby...

329. It was my choice, too,

330. and I am very happy with how things turned out, Hank.

331. Okay, then. Good talk.

332. Poking and prodding over.

333. Hank, I just got an idea for our first lesson.

334. I think the young couples will really appreciate it.

335. Did I mention how they boil my shorts?

336. Miguel, get your ass in gear, we don't have all day!

337. Hey, Emilio, you makin' salmon or salmonella?

338. Try cooking it. We don't want to kill our customers.

339. I thought he meant "drill sergeant" mean,

340. not "mi abuela" mean.

341. Sandra, ew.

342. I wouldn't serve that slop in a prison cafeteria.

343. You know that I worked in a prison cafeteria

344. when I did time for tax fraud,

345. which I told you in confidence!

346. You're a monster,

347. and you're about to become America's favorite monster.

348. Move over, climate change!

349. So, I'm in?

350. Bobby Heel, King of the Grill,

351. master of the Nielsen Ratings!

352. Yes!

353. Thank you! Guys, did you hear that?

354. I'm gonna be on the show!

355. Maybe they'll launch us after Raven's House.

356. - Yeah, yeah. - Woo-hoo.

357. It's called Raven's Home, asshole.

358. Folks, change of plans.

359. The Hills will be leading the retreat

360. for the rest of the weekend.

361. - What's that? - Really?

362. - Aw. - Okay.

363. Hey, everyone. We have come up

364. with a fun exercise of our own.

365. Welcome to the Contrition Cruise.

366. Grab a vest and climb aboard!

367. Are you gonna kill me like in The Godfather?

368. Don't Fredo me, Hank!

369. We just got some amazing B-roll on everybody you made cry.

370. Actually, I'm glad you stopped by.

371. I've been thinkin', and I can't be on King of the Grill.

372. What? Why not?

373. I love my staff, and being a jerk is not who I am.

374. So, if Bobby Heel is who I have to be to get on the show,

375. I don't wanna do it.

376. - I'm sorry. - No, no, I get it.

377. You want to be poor.

378. So, you're not doing the show?

379. No, and I need to apologize

380. for how I treated all of you.

381. Yeah, that was rough.

382. But it's good to have the old Bobby back.

383. And don't worry about some stupid show.

384. You got a long career ahead of you. You're just 21 years old.

385. Wait, seriously?

386. You're only 21? I thought you were, like, 40.

387. Why would you think that?

388. You referenced Urkel, Good Times, and Henny Youngman.

389. Eh, tough crowd, tough crowd.

390. A 21-year-old running his own successful restaurant?

391. I can sell that!

392. "Bobby, the Boy Genius," "The Li'l Chef."

393. No, wait! "Bobby the Kid."

394. Now, that guy could get away with, "Mi-so soupy."

395. So, I'm back in?

396. Mm-hmm.

397. - Yes! Yes! - Congratulations, Bobby!

398. Okay, we can stop here.

399. Look at your canoes. You will see they have been given names.

400. Ours is called the "Relationship."

401. That one is "Fellowship."

402. And Dale and Nancy, yours is "Friendship."

403. And don't forget "Worship."

404. Uh-huh. Now, you'll notice the "Relationship"

405. is kinda old and banged up.

406. But that is okay.

407. All relation-ships have issues

408. because all people have flaws,

409. and we should not write someone off just because they are flawed.

410. Isn't that right, Reverend?

411. Well, the Bible does say, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

412. Matthew 7:1.

413. And also, "It does not matter how many times you get knocked down,

414. but how many times you get up." Lombardi, '67.

415. Hank and I have our issues.

416. For example, we have learned our communication skills

417. - could be a little better. - Right, Peggy.

418. And when your relation-ship has issues, you gotta fix it.

419. In times like these,

420. we draw on our years of experience

421. to patch the issues in our relation-ship.

422. We get it. Just plug the damn hole.

423. I can't swim!

424. Don't freak out, Walter! Just help fix it!

425. Or are you gonna hire someone to fix it, like you always do?

426. Not fair, Amy. I was an English major,

427. - I have bad spatial skills. - No need to panic.

428. Dale, is there a bucket of tools next to ya?

429. Well, my God, there is. What are the odds?

430. Ah!

431. Boy, tools sink a lot faster than you would think.

432. Ah, okay, okay.

433. - Now what, Hank? - Uh...

434. We have to work together, y'all.

435. Everybody paddle. We'll tow them back to shore.

436. Great plan, Babe.

437. Peggy, hold on!

438. Alright, "Friendship," we can do this!

439. We're going too slow!

440. They're taking on water, they're not gonna make it!

441. We need to make a sail!

442. Everyone, take off your clothes!

443. Just me? Fine.

444. Enjoy the view.

445. Praise God!

446. Thank you, Dale and Nancy.

447. We're grateful for your teamwork, your grace under pressure, and—

448. Dale, could you please put your clothes back on?

449. Read your Bible, Padre.

450. I'm "naked and unashamed."

451. Plus, the breeze feels refreshing on the ol' twig and berries.

452. So, Hank and Peggy got the boot,

453. and Nancy and I were reinstated

454. as the Methodist Marriage Gurus.

455. Yep, congratulations, Dale.

456. As punishment, I have to sand and varnish all the pews.

457. Poor me.

458. The important thing is that God's work

459. is still being done.

460. Did Reverend Stroup ask about me? How did she look?

461. Did her robe get wet when she was in the water?

462. Oh man, that's like dang ol' sacrilege, man,

463. talkin' 'bout a woman of the cloth, man,

464. lightnin' bolt gonna smack you, man.

465. Hey, John Redcorn. Nancy's ready for her massage.

466. Hi, John.

467. You know, my headaches seem to have cleared up.

468. Really? Okay.

469. Let me know when they come back.

470. Why is John Redcorn leaving so soon?

471. Is Nancy's headache gone?

472. I guess it's a miracle.

473. The Lord would be lucky to have me.