King of the Hill 15x4

1. He has no idea what he's doing.

2. - Nope. Mm-mm, not a clue.

3. He's gotta really crank that wheel.

4. That's right, back up, and...

5. You got this, Son!

6. Why does he have his turn signal on?

7. Oh man.

8. That's really dang ol' sad, man.

9. - Hey, Dad, can you come here?

10. - Sure, Bobby. Don't help him, Hank.

11. He has to be his own man.

12. It went down the wrong pipe.

13. Help me, Hank!

14. You got it!

15. - Yeah, like that! - Yeah, man.

16. You just— little bit out there, she's clear, man!

17. Hey, Mr. Dauterive, Mr. Gribble, Mr. Boomhauer.

18. What do you think?

19. It'd be cooler if you could drive the thing.

20. I just rented it. Still gettin' my truck legs.

21. And I got the last vendor spot

22. at the Dallas Sci-Fi Convention this weekend.

23. - The what? It's code for,

24. "The Science Fiction Convention."

25. AKA, an excuse for twig boys

26. to wear anatomically incorrect alien costumes.

27. - How much did you spend on this thing? - A lot.

28. But you gotta spend money to make money.

29. And with Emilio runnin' the restaurant

30. and me mannin' the truck, we'll double our profits.

31. Assuming you're able to get this truck outta the alley.

32. Dad, maybe you could help me.

33. Drive the truck, manage customers?

34. It'll be priceless bonding,

35. which is great, because I can't afford to pay you.

36. Well, I raised you for free.

37. Not sure why I'd start takin' money from ya now.

38. - Thank you, Dad! - Yeah, if you happen across

39. any of that sexy Japanese hentai,

40. maybe you could pick up a couple issues, or some DVDs?

41. You know there's an internet, right?

42. Yeah, but it only holds so much.

43. - What's all this, Peggy Hill? - Oh, Minh.

44. These are my old "Peggy's Musings" columns.

45. I am collecting some of my better ones

46. for the poetry workshop at Arlen Community College.

47. And by "better ones," I mean all of them.

48. "The difference between summer and winter is what you are wearing"?

49. It makes perfect sense.

50. Did I mention that Marina Butler is teaching the class?

51. The greeting card lady? She's good.

52. I sent one of her divorce-themed cards to Kahn.

53. - Heard him sobbing from across the street. - Yep.

54. She edits a Texas poetry magazine.

55. Maybe she'll publish a Peggy Hill original.

56. I have never been read statewide before. Can you imagine?

57. From the golden beaches of Corpus Christi

58. to the dusty plains of El Paso.

59. See? The poetry just flows right out of me.

60. Okay, Peggy Hill.

61. I just came over to borrow your slow cooker.

62. Kahn got ours in the divorce.

63. He's probably over at Bill's right now having soup parties.

64. I am so sorry things are still so bad between you and Kahn.

65. Maybe you can find hope from one of my musings.

66. "Hope is like window shopping.

67. It doesn't cost a thing."

68. Peggy Hill. You are welcome.

69. Ooh, over there!

70. Not the greatest spot.

71. Can't even see the front entrance, but we'll make the best of it.

72. Ooh!

73. That's a damn good General Gorgon!

74. They got the back gills and everything.

75. So, they do this once a year, huh? Like Halloween?

76. Con season is year-round, Daddy!

77. Nastierious the Nefarious.

78. The gruel cook from Dark Sages?

79. You look like Cher.

80. Minh? What are you doing here?

81. I read your silly musings.

82. It made me think I could use a creative outlet too,

83. you know, for my feelings about divorce.

84. Besides, if a hillbilly like you can write poetry, anyone can.

85. People, places, and things.

86. We all come from somewhere.

87. Here, now, under the same family tree.

88. Humanity.

89. I believe with poetry,

90. we are supposed to snap for applause.

91. During this intensive program,

92. I want to help you all turn your raw linguistic clay

93. into a finished sculpture of marbled verse.

94. Mm, write that down.

95. Who's ready to share first?

96. It's insane that absolutely no one has come by yet.

97. Do Zolomarians not like yakitori schnitzel?

98. Well, I don't know anything about the dietary patterns

99. of the Zulu Martians,

100. but I do know you're being robbed of foot traffic here.

101. We need to flag some folks down.

102. And that shouldn't be so hard

103. for the greatest propane salesman I know.

104. Well, God's gas pretty much sells itself.

105. Don't be modest, Dad.

106. Well, I guess you could say relating to the customer

107. is my superpower.

108. You know, I once sold propane to a man with an earring

109. in his nose.

110. Then, this should be a breeze. Here.

111. Come on, Dad!

112. I gotta get people to stuff their faces with miso-wurst,

113. or else I'm out 3,000 for the truck.

114. I'll pass out the flyers,

115. but I'm not wearing a graphic t-shirt, Bobby.

116. I'm a grown man.

117. Okay, fine.

118. That's my professional pass. It's all-access.

119. Well, wish me luck.

120. If I come back with a laser sword,

121. tell your mom I'd respect her wish for a divorce.

122. - Oh! - Sorry ma'am, I—

123. Oh, God.

124. Hey, perv, my eyes are up here.

125. I'm so sorry, uh, ma'am, is it?

126. Well, anyway, uh, I hope you got four stomachs too,

127. because I'm representing the Robata Chane food truck.

128. I know, you're thinkin', "Japanese and German"?

129. But trust me, it's out of this world.

130. Ugh.

131. How'd she do that?

132. Excuse me, are they makin' this up as they go,

133. or is the winner predetermined,

134. like in professional wrestling?

135. Or the NFC championship?

136. How would I know? I'm just a bug, Hank.

137. Dale?

138. - What gave it away? - What are you doing here?

139. Well, I thought about it, and what better place

140. for a real alien to hide in plain sight than here?

141. I've been collecting DNA samples.

142. No one suspects a thing.

143. - What the hell? - Buzz! Buzz!

144. I'm just a bug. Gih!

145. "By my hand your spirit will fly.

146. "You'll scream, 'Minh, but why?'

147. Because you, now die!"

148. Oh.

149. Minh, Minh, Minh.

150. That was too dark and heavy.

151. I feel I will suffocate under its weight

152. like a soufflé whose base is flourless misery.

153. Who's next?

154. "Higher the hair, closer to God.

155. Well, my truck has a lift-kit, so hallelujah!"

156. Peggy Hill.

157. This one is too light. I can barely feel it,

158. like the breath of a baby ghost.

159. Ah, listen to this.

160. "If your glass is half empty, be grateful,

161. because it means you took some delicious sips."

162. If your glass is half empty, just get a smaller glass, dumb-ass.

163. Wait, that's it.

164. The two of you working together would bring the balance

165. you both desperately need in your work.

166. I'm more of a solo act.

167. I'm more of a "Peggy Hill sucks" act.

168. No, this is perfect.

169. You bring the light, you bring the shadow.

170. Together, you will forge "shadowlight."

171. Hi, sir. I'm sorry to bother you,

172. but you're the first normal person I've seen since—

173. - well, since I left my house. - Normal?

174. You know, not speakin' in some weird made-up language

175. or dressed up like they belong in a tackle box.

176. Yep, these guys are freaks.

177. You're tellin' me.

178. Uh, I was wonderin' if you could help me get to Hall F?

179. Sure, but you'll never get in there with that pass.

180. Really? My son told me

181. this would get me in anywhere.

182. You'll need a Diamond Pass to get into Hall F.

183. Gotdangit! I need to hand out flyers.

184. There's not many takers out here,

185. and it doesn't help that some of 'em don't have hands.

186. No worries, mister. I can switch your badge,

187. get you the proper one, and get you into Hall F in no time.

188. Wow. Well, that's mighty kind of ya.

189. No problem. Just give me one sec.

190. Asshole.

191. What is...?

192. Hey, come back here!

193. - Pass? - That damn squid mall cop stole it!

194. - Let's go. - So, they can probe me,

195. but I can't probe them? Ow!

196. Giving birth is easier than writing poetry with you.

197. Believe me, this is not the way I wanted this class to go either.

198. And giving birth was easy for me.

199. Bobby was wide, but flat.

200. What would we even write about?

201. I often let life inspire me.

202. Let's see. Window... Window...

203. "If eyes are the window to the soul,

204. then windows are the eyes of the home."

205. And sometimes, you've just gotta shut the blinds.

206. Write that down!

207. The guys with the yellow armbands

208. are Zolomarian Imperial Officers,

209. not security guards.

210. Nobody past puberty should know that, Bobby.

211. Dad, that pass was $300.

212. Three hundred dollars?

213. And yet no one here could afford deodorant.

214. I can't keep losin' money like this.

215. I'm certainly not making any.

216. I'm gonna get your pass back.

217. Just leave the talkin' to me.

218. I speak their language.

219. The boy ain't right.

220. "With enough time, even a sour grape becomes wine."

221. "But first, it must be trampled on by the bare feet of despair."

222. "Bottoms up."

223. - Wonderful! - Bravo!

224. Ladies, I've done it again.

225. This blending of light and dark

226. is what people in the ancient Orient

227. called the Yin and the Yang.

228. The good news is, you like my writing.

229. Our writing, Peggy Hill.

230. Ah! Conflict!

231. It's the spark that sets the poetic mind ablaze.

232. I see potential here, ladies. Keep it up.

233. My poetry magazine,

234. Whispers!

235. can always use fresh voices.

236. You hear that, Minh? Thanks to me,

237. you're close to getting published too.

238. Looks like two people need to start practicing their book jacket poses.

239. Dibs on this.

240. Your work is— is so dark, so alluring.

241. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Hurry up and ask for my number.

242. Excuse me.

243. Our Pro Pass was stolen

244. by a Zolomarian Imperial Guard cosplayer,

245. and we'd really like to get it back.

246. A Zolomarian stealing?

247. That's against the Zoloclax Decree of 3837.

248. It's against the law here in America.

249. Like I said, leave... this... to... me!

250. Which is why we have to find that gorram thief

251. and get our Pro Pass back!

252. Fine, I'll escort you to find these knuckslags myself.

253. My man! Thank you so, so much!

254. See? I speak the language.

255. All you did was change cuss words to something dumber.

256. He said, "When do you want to?"

257. And then, he sent the rocket emoji for "take-off!"

258. I forgot men can be so funny!

259. That's enough of that.

260. So, what do you have for something like this?

261. "Dirty dishes, a sign of a happy meal."

262. Is Capital Shrimp and Steak a good place for a first date?

263. I have not been on a first date in 30 years.

264. It'll be nice to date a man who's not broke like Kahn.

265. Right, Kahn's broke and cheap. Channel that.

266. "Life with my sweetheart on the Texas prairie."

267. "His eyes, like bluebonnets.

268. - His smile, like sunshine." - Come on, Minh.

269. Do not lose your inner bitch!

270. You said to be inspired by life, and I am.

271. It's him!

272. I'm going to take this at my place. You keep going, Peggy Hill.

273. Oh, no.

274. Best soup party ever.

275. Evening, boys.

276. Kahn, you enjoying Minh's crock pot?

277. Of course. If I have it,

278. that means she doesn't, which makes me happy.

279. Well, that is good to hear.

280. You're thrilled with the crock pot,

281. and Minh is excited about her date tonight

282. at Capital Shrimp and Steak— Oop!

283. She what?

284. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - My soup!

285. Oh man, oh man. Come on, man. Don't do that.

286. A date? With who? I'll kill him!

287. Kahn, we've been workin' on this.

288. She's tryin' to make you jealous. Don't take the bait!

289. You did not hear it from me!

290. Peggy Hill.

291. Only you could ruin a soup party.

292. I'm sorry, gentlemen, but we might have to call it.

293. He's right. I'll just eat the cost of the day

294. and try again tomorrow.

295. - There, that's him! - Dad, wait!

296. Oh, you didn't think I'd find you, did ya?

297. I'm gonna kick your ass.

298. Yeah, right!

299. You'll find that Zolo Martial Arts are quite effective.

300. Mm!

301. I invoke the Peacekeeper's Honor,

302. which you, as a Knight of the Imperial Guard, must abide.

303. - It's true! - Thank you.

304. Look, you took that Pro Pass from my dad.

305. Just give it back and we'll forget the whole thing.

306. - I can't do that. - And why is that?

307. Because that man doesn't belong here.

308. Thank you.

309. Do you know how many people want these passes?

310. They were sold out in minutes.

311. This one was being wasted on someone who doesn't even appreciate it.

312. Look, I know he doesn't quite get it—

313. He thinks we're all just a bunch of freaks and weirdos.

314. I never said that loud enough for you to hear.

315. Why don't you go back to your tractor convention?

316. First of all, that is a show, not a convention.

317. And second, it's in the fall.

318. You care about this stuff so much that you'd steal a pass?

319. My son needed that for his job, where he works all day

320. instead of dressing up in costume, spending a fortune on portraits of...

321. Is that an alien's private parts?

322. Mm...

323. Come on, people. Look, I'm sure your families

324. feel the same as me about you doin' this nonsense.

325. I am with my family!

326. It's Friday. Those children should be in school.

327. Break the cycle of abuse here.

328. - Dad! - What?

329. There's still hope for them.

330. - Curse on you! - Screw this guy!

331. What an ass!

332. Stop talking, man!

333. Hang on, everyone.

334. - Shame! - Shame! Shame! Shame!

335. Shame! Shame! Shame! Shame!

336. Why are we being treated like the bad guys?

337. Dad, you insulted them.

338. I'm never gonna be able to get customers here now.

339. - Not if they see you. - Bobby, we—

340. Just go home, Dad.

341. What's the matter, Minh?

342. Did something happen on your date?

343. I don't wanna talk about it!

344. No problem. Let's just channel it into poetry.

345. Kahn has become even more of a loser!

346. Probably 'cause he lives with Bill.

347. Mm-hmm, okay.

348. Now, how would you say "loser who lives with Bill"

349. as a metaphor?

350. "Love dies like a punch in the face.

351. Perhaps it never... it never..."

352. Good, it's coming back. Now, tap into how you felt

353. seeing Kahn storm into that fancy restaurant.

354. I never said Kahn came to the restaurant, Peggy Hill.

355. Oh, well, um...

356. Tap into how you felt the moment you realized

357. your friend and writing partner betrayed you.

358. - I can't believe you did that! - No, Minh, I need you!

359. You are the Minh to my Yang.

360. I'm going to be published!

361. You don't even care that the first man I've liked in years

362. probably won't call me back after watching my nasty fight with Kahn

363. that you caused!

364. I just needed you to access your anger a little longer.

365. I do not have a dark side.

366. I'm sorry, I am too well-adjusted.

367. Yeah? Well, someone who could do what you did

368. is way darker than I could ever be.

369. You tell Marina I quit!

370. I'm sorry Bobby's food truck business didn't go as planned,

371. but now after seein' that crowd, they probably would have tried

372. to buy dumplings with alien money.

373. Who told you about the alien money?

374. Oh, I don't know, Hank. They were just havin' fun,

375. like when we paint our faces when we go to Cowboy games.

376. Bill, that's ridiculous. What we do is just team spirit.

377. Well, you could be right, but I just don't see the difference

378. between puttin' on a Troy Aikman jersey

379. and wearin' a costume of your favorite movie character.

380. Well, one is— I mean, an athlete is—

381. We're not pretending to be— Dammit, Bill!

382. I'm sorry. I'll stop making sense now.

383. "If a dash of friendship shines bright like a star,

384. a sprinkle of treachery leaves a backstabbing scar."

385. Peggy Hill.

386. Peggy, that was just...

387. That's brilliant.

388. - Really good. - Love that.

389. Oh, stop it!

390. No, you were right. Keep it coming.

391. Atta boy, Lerio Thundermoon.

392. First of his name.

393. King of the Zolomarians.

394. Robata Chane, best—

395. Robata Chane truck, right down—

396. You want the best Japanese-German fusion on this side of the—

397. Oh, dammit!

398. Hey, Bobby. No luck, huh?

399. No luck? It's almost like my father

400. insulted every single person in my client base.

401. - Yeah, Son, I'm, uh— - Look who decided to show

402. his John Dutton-lookin' face again at Con.

403. I don't want any trouble.

404. I originally came here to help my son's business,

405. and ended up ruining his opportunity.

406. So, per "The Code," I'd like to present a peace offering.

407. What do you know of "The Code"?

408. Lerio's Sacred Battle Axe?

409. - Dad, this is insane! - Where did you get that?

410. I made it in my garage.

411. That's 100% Hank Hill craftsmanship.

412. - May I? - Of course.

413. You'll notice weathering on the handle there.

414. Blaster burns from the "Battle of Flyon Fifteen."

415. You even got the Zolomarian hieroglyphs!

416. Actually, those are the Pavronian hieroglyphics,

417. the ancestors of the Zolomarians.

418. - Ooh! - Yep, that's right.

419. My dad made that!

420. - Wow. He knows his stuff. - Just like it!

421. Now, you can all come take pictures with the Sacred Battle Axe

422. over in front of the Robata Chane food truck.

423. Discount for anyone who posts the pics and tags Robata Chane.

424. Ooh, gimme a stack of those.

425. I'll pass 'em out.

426. I believe I have something else of yours.

427. One of us! One of us!

428. One of us! One of us!

429. I get the sentiment, but, uh,

430. I'm gonna have to ask you all to cut that out.

431. Order for Brandon, Jessica,

432. and, uh, "David Tennant's eyebrows"?

433. Oh, damn, that is, uh, really good!

434. - How's it goin' out there, Dad? - Great!

435. Ah!

436. Say, uh, I just heard the first of the prequel trilogy is comin' out soon.

437. There's a midnight showing where we can get in before anyone else.

438. Sounds great, Dad.

439. Nerd.

440. What do you want, Peggy Hill?

441. We got published in Whispers!

442. You were my inspiration.

443. I tapped into a side of me I did not know was there,

444. and I am a better writer because of it.

445. And?

446. Isn't there something else you want to give me?

447. Something else?

448. Okay, yes, Minh...

449. I owe you an apology.

450. I should not have meddled in your life just to get published

451. in what is frankly a strangely formatted magazine.

452. And I am sorry.

453. You can keep that apology.

454. I want my half of the payment for the poem!

455. Oh! Well, of course.

456. It was $20, so I owe you 10.

457. Half of that $10 is mine!

458. So, they can probe me, but I can't probe them?