1. - What in the world?Copy !req
2. A Mega Lo Mart team memberCopy !req
3. will be with you shortly.Copy !req
4. A Mega Lo Mart
team member will be with you shortly.Copy !req
5. Can I help you?Copy !req
6. I need toothpaste.Copy !req
7. Uh, this one? Nope.Copy !req
8. That one?Copy !req
9. Nope, maybe...Copy !req
10. You wanna try the one
that says "toothpaste"?Copy !req
11. Huh.Copy !req
12. Is all this really necessary?Copy !req
13. If I wanted to steal toothpaste,Copy !req
14. I'd just do it after
you unlocked the glass for me.Copy !req
15. Can we get security
to escort an item to the register?Copy !req
16. This is hell.Copy !req
17. Hank, I am in love!Copy !req
18. I love you too, Peggy,
but keep your voice down.Copy !req
19. - We're in public.
I am not talking about you, Hank.Copy !req
20. I am talking about him.Copy !req
21. - That's a dog?
Ah, I gather you've met Caesar Salad.Copy !req
22. He's a two-year-old mixed breed.Copy !req
23. - Isn't he cute, Hank?
He looks ill.Copy !req
24. I assure you, he's perfectly healthy,Copy !req
25. aside from the conditions
listed on the card.Copy !req
26. "Anxiety, depression, sun sensitivity."Copy !req
27. "Afraid of potted plants"?Copy !req
28. Would you be interested
in fostering Caesar for a few weeks?Copy !req
29. Just until we can find him
a permanent owner?Copy !req
30. In other words, you're saying the dog
needs a substitute teacher.Copy !req
31. Uh, I suppose that's one way
of looking at it.Copy !req
32. I come in, I teach him a few tricks,
turn his life around,Copy !req
33. and send him off into the brave new world.Copy !req
34. This is what Peggy Hill was born to do.Copy !req
35. What do you think, Hank?Copy !req
36. "Hostile towards shadows"?Copy !req
37. Dear God, there's a second card.Copy !req
38. It's only temporary, honey,
and I will do all the work,Copy !req
39. and you will not have
to lift a finger, Hank.Copy !req
40. - Well—
- Great! It's settled.Copy !req
41. I'll draw up the paperwork.Copy !req
42. In the meantime, here is a list
of everything Caesar needs.Copy !req
43. Probiotic dog food,
stool softener, an orthopedic harness...Copy !req
44. Alright, this one? Nope.Copy !req
45. And that one?Copy !req
46. Yeah, maybe it's the one
that says "toothpaste."Copy !req
47. Now, I don't wanna get your hopes up,Copy !req
48. but I think I nailed it
with your birthday present.Copy !req
49. I have been told
I'm an excellent gift giver.Copy !req
50. Aw. Is gift-giving your love language?Copy !req
51. No. This is my love language.Copy !req
52. Connie, mon amour. Ma chérie. A la mode.Copy !req
53. Thanks for coming home
with me this weekend.Copy !req
54. I know things aren't the same
with my folks since the divorce,Copy !req
55. but I'm looking forward to having
a family dinner like we used to.Copy !req
56. Which I will be paying for.Copy !req
57. - Oh, Bobby, you don't have to do that.
- I insist.Copy !req
58. Now that we're dating,
it's important your parents knowCopy !req
59. I'm not the same person I was
when I was 10.Copy !req
60. I'm a man! I got my own business.Copy !req
61. I make my own money.Copy !req
62. I'm a man.Copy !req
63. You said that already.Copy !req
64. Well, men tend to repeat things.Copy !req
65. Connie, the birthday girl!Copy !req
66. Bag man, carry Connie's bags
to the door and then be gone!Copy !req
67. She called me a man!Copy !req
68. Sure thing, Mrs. S.
And I hope you're excitedCopy !req
69. for Connie's big birthday dinner tomorrow,
which is my treat.Copy !req
70. Looks like your treat is pudding, fat boy.Copy !req
71. And we're back to "boy."Copy !req
72. Dad's stuff is all gone from the garage.Copy !req
73. Did he move back in?Copy !req
74. No, I did not!
I left, with my dignity intact!Copy !req
75. I kicked you out!Copy !req
76. You were crying so loud,
I could hear it through the garage!Copy !req
77. I was reading a sad book
called "our wedding album."Copy !req
78. Hey, we agreed!Copy !req
79. You stay on that side of the street!Copy !req
80. I don't understand.Copy !req
81. Dad, where do you live now?Copy !req
82. With me!Copy !req
83. Yeah, we're just two single guys
havin' a grand ol' time.Copy !req
84. No wives, just vibes.Copy !req
85. All are welcome... except wives.Copy !req
86. Connie isn't setting foot
in your little divorce shack!Copy !req
87. Besides, according to the schedule,
this is my time with her.Copy !req
88. What schedule?Copy !req
89. Your father and I have created
a schedule for the weekendCopy !req
90. so that we can both spend time with youCopy !req
91. without having to spend time
with each other.Copy !req
92. So, the idea of us all being
together while I'm here is...Copy !req
93. Dead, like our marriage.Copy !req
94. I can't help but notice that
there are now two birthday dinners,Copy !req
95. which I will gladly be paying for.Copy !req
96. Hey, just Connie's bags.
You're not sleeping here.Copy !req
97. Mom, Bobby's my boyfriend.Copy !req
98. No, it's fine.
I respect your rules, Mrs. S.Copy !req
99. I respect you, you respect me.Copy !req
100. Ha ha ha, Bobby Hill!Copy !req
101. Mom, Dad, I'm home!Copy !req
102. - Do not look him in the eye.
- I already am!Copy !req
103. I'll get the swaddling blanket.Copy !req
104. Way to go, Bobby.Copy !req
105. You didn't even tell me
you got a new dog.Copy !req
106. We are just fostering him for a few weeks.Copy !req
107. But as I learned from substitute teaching,Copy !req
108. a few weeks is all it takes
to change a life.Copy !req
109. Watch this.Copy !req
110. Caesar, sit.Copy !req
111. Boy, he's really going to town.Copy !req
112. I remember it took Lady Bird
a long time to—Copy !req
113. Oh, he's nothing like Lady Bird.Copy !req
114. I'm not even convinced he's a dog.Copy !req
115. It's like someone
put a collar on a possum.Copy !req
116. Aw, he's not so bad.Copy !req
117. See? He likes me.Copy !req
118. Oh, good. Hold him tight.Copy !req
119. We need to give Caesar his pills,
and his inhaler,Copy !req
120. - and his insulin.
- That's okay, boy.Copy !req
121. I used to hate when
they gave me medicine, too.Copy !req
122. But if you keep still,
you might get a toaster strudel.Copy !req
123. I think Caesar needs to use the bathroom.Copy !req
124. He's leaking a bit.
Hank, can you take him out?Copy !req
125. Now? But the guys are in the alley.Copy !req
126. They'll have a field day.Copy !req
127. How 'bout you take him?
You're the one fostering him.Copy !req
128. I need to prepare his ointment so that
I can express Caesar's anal glands.Copy !req
129. Unless you would rather do that.Copy !req
130. Boy, that dog's got some bladder on it.Copy !req
131. Why is the dog wearing shoes, Hank?Copy !req
132. They're, uh, booties
for his sensitive pads.Copy !req
133. Uh-huh. And the umbrella?Copy !req
134. He's got solar dermatitis,
so he can't be in direct sunlight.Copy !req
135. Right. And what's the dog's name?Copy !req
136. Caesar Salad.Copy !req
137. - Hank's dog is a vegetable!
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
138. He's not a vegetable, and he's not my dog.Copy !req
139. We're fostering it for a few weeks.Copy !req
140. At this rate, maybe even a few days.Copy !req
141. Ha, Hank Hill is holding
an umbrella for a dog.Copy !req
142. Your life is falling apart.Copy !req
143. - Aren't you livin' with Bill?
- No.Copy !req
144. Bill's living with me, at Bill's house.Copy !req
145. Kahn, you sound troubled.Copy !req
146. - Tough day?
- Yes.Copy !req
147. I'm upset because Minh
basically gets Connie the whole weekend.Copy !req
148. Stupid schedule.Copy !req
149. There, there. Deep breaths, Kahn.Copy !req
150. Don't let Minh push your buttons.Copy !req
151. - That's what she wants.
- I know.Copy !req
152. Now, how 'bout we go home,
I make us some dinner,Copy !req
153. - maybe draw a bath?
- With extra bubbles?Copy !req
154. Let's start with the normal
amount of bubbles,Copy !req
155. and— and then we'll go from there.Copy !req
156. Oh, man, talkin' 'bout
dang ol' strange bedfellows.Copy !req
157. Good news.
I got us a second reservationCopy !req
158. for the dinner with your dad.Copy !req
159. It's at the best new restaurant in Arlen.Copy !req
160. Get this, the chef is blind.Copy !req
161. The presentation is awful,
but the food is delicious.Copy !req
162. Ugh, I kinda hate my parents right now.Copy !req
163. My mom spent all day
complaining about my dad,Copy !req
164. and my dad keeps texting me
bad "yo mama" jokes.Copy !req
165. I just wanted to have a chill birthday.Copy !req
166. Forget your parents.
I'm gonna make sureCopy !req
167. you have the best birthday ever.Copy !req
168. Ooh, I like the sound of that.Copy !req
169. What are you wearing?Copy !req
170. Uh, boxers and a giant T-shirt.Copy !req
171. Oh! I see.Copy !req
172. Remember when we were kids
and you used to sneak outCopy !req
173. and climb through my window?Copy !req
174. Maybe you could come over
and give me an early birthday present.Copy !req
175. That's really tempting, Connie.Copy !req
176. But your mom seems pretty firm
about me not sleeping over.Copy !req
177. If she caught me sneakin' in,
I doubt she'd be...Copy !req
178. Never mind! That works!Copy !req
179. Peggy, I think we need to have
a conversation about this dog.Copy !req
180. I agree.
Oh, Hank, I think we should keep him.Copy !req
181. What?Copy !req
182. I know Caesar's a bit
high maintenance, but—Copy !req
183. That's like sayin' military flyovers
are just a bit patriotic.Copy !req
184. But it has been so wonderful
having a dog in the house.Copy !req
185. I think we should take him
back to the shelter.Copy !req
186. Let's not have this conversation
in front of the D-O-G.Copy !req
187. For God's sakes,
he doesn't understand English.Copy !req
188. Besides, he can barely hear us.
He's half deaf.Copy !req
189. Caesar is an empath. He recognizes tone.Copy !req
190. There you go.Copy !req
191. What are you barking at?Copy !req
192. I hid all the plants.Copy !req
193. Under here.Copy !req
194. Great, now you woke up Bobby.Copy !req
195. Probably scared him, too.Copy !req
196. Sorry, Bobby, Caesar just—Copy !req
197. Oh, my God.Copy !req
198. Bwah!Copy !req
199. Bwah!Copy !req
200. Dad!Copy !req
201. Connie and I were just...
uh, wrestlin'.Copy !req
202. What's going on? I heard a commotion—Copy !req
203. Oh, good God in heaven!Copy !req
204. - Hello, Connie.
- Hi, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
205. Good to see you. How's college?Copy !req
206. Alright, alright.
No need to be weird about this.Copy !req
207. Connie and I are both adults.Copy !req
208. We're dating. It's perfectly natural.Copy !req
209. Doing that with the door unlocked
and the lights on?Copy !req
210. There's nothing natural about that.Copy !req
211. I can't believe you sold us out, dog.Copy !req
212. I saw you humpin' a couch cushion earlierCopy !req
213. and I kept my mouth shut.Copy !req
214. Now, hold on a second.Copy !req
215. Caesar, were you barking
because a stranger snuck into our house?Copy !req
216. Hey, alright.Copy !req
217. I guess you're a pretty good
guard dog, huh?Copy !req
218. Will you hillbillies shut that dog up?Copy !req
219. - Connie?
- Oh, no.Copy !req
220. That's right, boy.Copy !req
221. Bark at that crazy stranger!Copy !req
222. Bobby Hill, put a shirt on and step awayCopy !req
223. - from my precious daughter!
- Okay.Copy !req
224. But let's all remember
who's the real bad guy here.Copy !req
225. - The dog.
- The dog wasn't the oneCopy !req
226. engaging in amorous congress
under my roof.Copy !req
227. It can't,
because it has an inverted penis.Copy !req
228. What's all the fuss?Copy !req
229. Oh, good, more people.Copy !req
230. I caught your daughterCopy !req
231. participating in fatherless behavior
with Bobby Hill.Copy !req
232. Bobby Hill, did you de-flower my daughter?Copy !req
233. No, sir!
We didn't even get to doin' anything.Copy !req
234. We were just warming each other up.Copy !req
235. - Stop.
- That's enough.Copy !req
236. - Ew!
- Shut up, shut up!Copy !req
237. Okay, I can see that tensions
are a little high right now.Copy !req
238. So, how about we all just get some sleepCopy !req
239. and talk about this over dinner tomorrow,Copy !req
240. which I'm paying for?Copy !req
241. Bobby, we are not having dinner with you.Copy !req
242. Come on, Connie. Let's go back home.Copy !req
243. No! All you've done since I've been homeCopy !req
244. is complain about Dad and insult Bobby.Copy !req
245. I don't wanna be around that.Copy !req
246. Hey, Connie, why don't you sleep
over at my place, just for tonight?Copy !req
247. Ha! You mean Bill's place?Copy !req
248. We can hang out
and celebrate your birthday.Copy !req
249. Things are very mellow over there.Copy !req
250. Super chill.Copy !req
251. And Bobby can come too?Copy !req
252. Of course.
Because I support your relationship.Copy !req
253. Yay!Copy !req
254. The more, the merrier!Copy !req
255. Hank and Peggy,
you can come too, if you'd like.Copy !req
256. Do not threaten us, Bill.Copy !req
257. - I'm gonna go with Connie.
- That's fine.Copy !req
258. Why don't you take those sheets with ya?Copy !req
259. Wow. Mr. Dauterive,Copy !req
260. it looks... not depressing in here.Copy !req
261. Oh, that's really kind of you to say.Copy !req
262. Connie, your father
has really helped me care again.Copy !req
263. Oh! Let me get you
some fresh linens and towels.Copy !req
264. - Thanks?
- And I'll get youCopy !req
265. one of Lenore's old nightgowns.Copy !req
266. If they fit me, they'll fit you.Copy !req
267. Not so bad, huh?Copy !req
268. And tomorrow, we'll have a nice breakfast.Copy !req
269. And then, we can go shopping
for birthday supplies.Copy !req
270. Cake, balloons.Copy !req
271. Sounds great, Dad.Copy !req
272. We should let the birthday girl
get some shut-eye.Copy !req
273. And thanks again for bein' so chillCopy !req
274. with me and Connie
spendin' the night together.Copy !req
275. No problem.Copy !req
276. Bell's going to second on a beautiful...Copy !req
277. See that, Caesar?Copy !req
278. That's called a productive out.Copy !req
279. Where's the jewel safe?Copy !req
280. - Ow!
- Good job, Caesar.Copy !req
281. Hey! Ow!Copy !req
282. - Ow.
- Gotdangit, Dale.Copy !req
283. What are you mad at me for?Copy !req
284. Caesar just lost a tooth because of you.Copy !req
285. Are you in pain, boy?Copy !req
286. I think we better take Caesar to the vet.Copy !req
287. I will get his car seat!Copy !req
288. Hey, man, I'ma here to talk 'bout...Copy !req
289. and see if you done heard
the dang ol' good news.Copy !req
290. Not now, Boomhauer.
We'll finish Caesar's training later.Copy !req
291. I'm fine, by the way.Copy !req
292. Mornin'!Copy !req
293. I made jiggly cakes.Copy !req
294. I learned how to make 'em on TikTok.com.Copy !req
295. Get 'em while they're jigglin'!Copy !req
296. Sorry, there's no time. No time.Copy !req
297. I gotta get a giant cake
and party suppliesCopy !req
298. so Connie's wicked mother can see
I gave her the best birthday ever.Copy !req
299. Ugh! Minute one of my birthday,Copy !req
300. and you're already trashing Mom.Copy !req
301. Connie, I'm sorry...Copy !req
302. that your mother's the devil.Copy !req
303. Hey, Mr. Soup, why don't I go with you?Copy !req
304. Just us men?Copy !req
305. Dad, I think it would be great
if you two went together,Copy !req
306. since you're so much more chill
about our relationship than mom is.Copy !req
307. - Cool.
- Oh, that's alright.Copy !req
308. More cakes for me and the birthday girl.Copy !req
309. Connie, I hope you like 'em extra jiggly.Copy !req
310. I think you know she does.Copy !req
311. I'm glad we're gettin' to spend
some quality time together,Copy !req
312. man-to-man.Copy !req
313. And not just any men.
The two most important menCopy !req
314. - in Connie's life.
- Ugh.Copy !req
315. And, hey, maybe if we
get everything done in time,Copy !req
316. we could get lunch
or play nine holes of golf.Copy !req
317. Ten, if ya nasty.Copy !req
318. What's wrong?Copy !req
319. I hate you, Bobby Hill!Copy !req
320. Oh.Copy !req
321. I lost my marriage, I'm losing Connie,Copy !req
322. I live with Bill, and you're dating
my daughter again!Copy !req
323. My life is shit!Copy !req
324. There, there. Can I do anything to help?Copy !req
325. Open up the door and push me into traffic?Copy !req
326. You're bein' such a good boy.Copy !req
327. After this, we'll grill you up
a nice tri-tip.Copy !req
328. Looks like your dog will only be eatin'
smoothies from now on.Copy !req
329. He's hurt that bad?
But how will he get his nutrients?Copy !req
330. A growing dog needs all his protein.Copy !req
331. This dog's done growin'.Copy !req
332. Based on his cloudy eyes,
loose skin, and general odor,Copy !req
333. I'd say he's about 10 years old.Copy !req
334. - What?
- That's impossible.Copy !req
335. The rescue shelter told us he was two.Copy !req
336. Those rescue places
always tell you their dogs are two.Copy !req
337. That way, they don't scare you off.Copy !req
338. It's like how I tell people
"I chose to be a vet,"Copy !req
339. instead of "I flunked out of med school."Copy !req
340. This Vitamix blender is pretty pricey,Copy !req
341. but it has a dog mode
that can puree a tri-tip in 15 seconds.Copy !req
342. Well, it doesn't matter.
We're takin' the dog back.Copy !req
343. What? But I thought you loved Caesar.Copy !req
344. Well, you thought wrong.Copy !req
345. I never wanted another dog,
especially not this dog.Copy !req
346. I just wanted some gotdang toothpaste.Copy !req
347. I am so glad you do not have
your hearing aids in right now.Copy !req
348. There aren't enough roses on this cake!Copy !req
349. - I asked for 100 roses!
- I told you on the phone.Copy !req
350. That's too many roses.
They won't fit on the cake.Copy !req
351. Well, how about if we see
if this fits on your face?Copy !req
352. - W-What?
- Hey, hey, hey.Copy !req
353. Mr. S, let's try to calm down.Copy !req
354. I can't calm down!
I haven't even gotten Connie a gift yet.Copy !req
355. That's okay, we got plenty of time.Copy !req
356. So, what were you thinkin' of gettin' her?Copy !req
357. Uh... gift card?Copy !req
358. Okay. A gift card to where?Copy !req
359. I don't know! I suck!Copy !req
360. What did you get her?Copy !req
361. Oh, well, I got her a nice,
simple necklaceCopy !req
362. with her birthstone, citrine.Copy !req
363. Thank God she wasn't born in April!Copy !req
364. Or I'd have had to get her a diamond.Copy !req
365. Oh, that's a great idea.Copy !req
366. If I got Connie a diamond,
it would make Minh look cheap.Copy !req
367. Can I give you some advice?Copy !req
368. All Connie really wants
is for you and MinhCopy !req
369. to stop fighting, for one day.Copy !req
370. No name calling, no mind games,Copy !req
371. no asking Connie to hack into Minh's emailCopy !req
372. to see if she signed up for dating sites.Copy !req
373. I didn't ask her to hack,
I just asked her to snoop.Copy !req
374. Maybe, just for Connie's birthday,Copy !req
375. you could suck it up and be nice to Minh!Copy !req
376. This is a new low.Copy !req
377. I'm getting schooled by Bobby Hill.Copy !req
378. Where is Caesar?Copy !req
379. I don't know.
Probably somewhere having a panic attackCopy !req
380. because he saw a squirrel.Copy !req
381. Well, I just wanted to tell you,
the rescue agency called,Copy !req
382. and there's another family
who's interested in adopting Caesar.Copy !req
383. - They will be here by tomorrow.
- Good.Copy !req
384. Martinez, who came in...Copy !req
385. Dang it, Caesar.Copy !req
386. Whatever that is,
you're probably allergic to it.Copy !req
387. Huh. Where'd you find that, boy?Copy !req
388. Haven't seen it in years.Copy !req
389. That used to belong to...Copy !req
390. Wanna go for a walk?Copy !req
391. Caesar, this is Lady Bird.Copy !req
392. Lady Bird, Caesar.Copy !req
393. Pretend he's named after César Cedeño,Copy !req
394. the four-time Houston Astros all-star,Copy !req
395. and not a saladCopy !req
396. Caesar brought you somethin'.Copy !req
397. Okay, one second.Copy !req
398. Alright, there ya go.Copy !req
399. You can go play, boy.Copy !req
400. I wanted to introduce the two of you.Copy !req
401. See, we just found outCopy !req
402. that Caesar's only got
a few years left in him.Copy !req
403. It's not that I don't wanna
take care of an old dog.Copy !req
404. It's just, when we lost you, well...Copy !req
405. I'm not sure I'm ready to go
through somethin' like that again.Copy !req
406. I mean, no dog could replace you.Copy !req
407. Peggy seems to like him though, and...Copy !req
408. Well, he's startin' to grow on me too.Copy !req
409. But it didn't feel right
havin' him join the familyCopy !req
410. without talkin' to you first.Copy !req
411. So, if you're okay with us keeping Caesar,Copy !req
412. don't come back to life.Copy !req
413. Well, it's settled then.Copy !req
414. Hey, get this.Copy !req
415. He bit Dale.Copy !req
416. Dale was screamin' like...
well, you know, like Dale.Copy !req
417. And, well, now I'm just prattling on.Copy !req
418. Excuse me.Copy !req
419. Those aren't Jehovah's Witnesses, Caesar!Copy !req
420. They're just men wearing suits!Copy !req
421. Alright, here we go.Copy !req
422. Dinner number one for the birthday girl.Copy !req
423. - Who's excited?
- You're being very sweet,Copy !req
424. but I'm not looking forward to this.Copy !req
425. Neither am I. Your dad was a mess today.Copy !req
426. - Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!Copy !req
427. What are you both doing here?Copy !req
428. I called your mother and invited her.Copy !req
429. He didn't invite me. He begged me to come.Copy !req
430. He also admitted he was a disappointment
our entire marriage.Copy !req
431. I...Copy !req
432. Yes. Those are the things I said.Copy !req
433. Well, I'm glad.Copy !req
434. Should we start with an appetizer or two?Copy !req
435. After all, it's a special—Copy !req
436. We already ordered. We got the whole menu.Copy !req
437. You're treating, right?Copy !req
438. Indeed.Copy !req
439. Don't eat it all, Bobby Hill.Copy !req
440. Save some for the rest of us.Copy !req
441. Oh, Connie, I got you a birthday present.Copy !req
442. It's your stone of birth, orange rock.Copy !req
443. It's called citrine.Copy !req
444. Oh, Dad, this is so thoughtful.
Thank you so much.Copy !req
445. I'd do anything for my precious angel.Copy !req
446. Actually, it's from your mother, too.
We love you.Copy !req
447. Bobby, what did you get for Connie?Copy !req
448. Um, I got her, um, uh...Copy !req
449. this song.Copy !req
450. Oh!Copy !req
451. Mwah!Copy !req
452. Happy birthday, baby.Copy !req
453. That was the worst song I've ever heard.Copy !req
454. Connie deserves better
than a song-and-dance man.Copy !req
455. She called me a man! I am back.Copy !req
456. I know the birthstone was your idea.Copy !req
457. What do you mean? That was 100% your dad.Copy !req
458. Bobby, last week, you left
your computer open to a searchCopy !req
459. that said, "November birthstone necklace.
How much cost?"Copy !req
460. Mm.Copy !req
461. Thank you for everything.Copy !req
462. Here you are.Copy !req
463. I ordered lobster
and I don't even like it.Copy !req
464. - Hank's dog is a vegetable!
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req