King of the Hill 14x8

1. They switched out my ball again.

2. Were there always three holes?

3. - Nobody switched your ball, Dale.

4. How can you be sure? Who knows what goes on

5. in the unexplored bowels of a bowling alley?

6. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Missed again, Hank Hill.

7. Hey, I know why you don't wanna knock down the pins.

8. It's because they're rednecks, just like you.

9. The Souphanousinphones win again!

10. Hey, Peggy Hill,

11. do you ever get tired of being second place?

12. I will have you know that Hank and I won the Aramco Family Bowling League.

13. I even bowled a 280 one time.

14. That is how I became known as Near-Perfect Peggy.

15. Perfect Peggy for short.

16. Uh, Peggy, the best you ever bowled was a 180.

17. I remember it clearly because after your final roll,

18. you yelled at our opponents,

19. "Why don't you guys do a 180 and go home?"

20. Yeah, it wasn't one of your best taunts.

21. Say, Kahn, I heard that you hired Robata Chane

22. for your 30th wedding anniversary get-together.

23. Bobby's real excited and flattered that you hired him.

24. We hired Robata Chane because of Chane, not Bobby.

25. But you cheaped out on the help.

26. Help? I'm the best documentary filmmaker

27. slash wedding videographer in Arlen.

28. In fact, I've been filming this whole time.

29. - And Boomhauer

30. is unofficially the best bartender in Heimlich.

31. My official list doesn't come out until June.

32. Dang right, is, I'm a dang ol' mixologist, man.

33. And talkin' 'bout molecular, man, well, check this out.

34. Smoke, man.

35. - You guys better not disappoint.

36. You know, we just had our 29th anniversary.

37. We ordered in.

38. When you have a marriage like us, every day is a party,

39. and the guest of honor is our love.

40. So, we are getting to 30 years first?

41. I guess we beat you guys in marriage too.

42. The Souphanousinphones win again!

43. Bill, we told you bowling night was a couples thing.

44. Couples and Dale's and Boomhauer's.

45. Can't a guy have a meal at his favorite restaurant?

46. I'll have my usual, Tony!

47. Remember, don't mention the anniversary party to Bill.

48. Come on. Can't you just invite him?

49. I still haven't forgiven him for dating my late mother.

50. Could you?

51. Mm!

52. I suppose you're wondering why I am giving you the silent treatment.

53. Mm-hmm.

54. Is something bothering you?

55. Nope, everything's fine.

56. Just fine.

57. Okay, then. Well, I guess, good night.

58. Hank, you embarrassed me tonight!

59. What?

60. At the bowling alley, remember?

61. Yes, I remember being at the bowling alley.

62. Was there anything else?

63. When I told the story about bowling a 280, why did you correct me?

64. Because you scored a 180.

65. Oh, come on, Hank. It was just a little embellishment.

66. You gave yourself 100 extra points.

67. On a scale from one to 100, you lied the most you could possibly lie.

68. You could have just played along.

69. I hate lying, Peggy.

70. But even more, I hate being made into an accomplice.

71. Accomplice? I am not asking you to rob a bank.

72. - Did you hear that?

73. If I said I did not, I'd be lying.

74. I will handle it.

75. Wait, wait. Sounds like someone's trying

76. to get into the garage next door.

77. Oh! Well, then that is Kahn and Minh's problem, isn't it?

78. Let's see how cocky they are after being robbed blind.

79. Stop right there, or prepare to eat 15-gauge nails.

80. Ah! Don't shoot!

81. Kahn?

82. Why are you breaking into your own garage?

83. I'm not breaking in, I just couldn't find a door opener.

84. - And I'm working on a DIY project.

85. This late in the night?

86. Are you sleeping in here?

87. No! Don't be ridiculous.

88. That— that's my project.

89. I'm upholstering a headboard and frame.

90. So, you went with the stitched loft?

91. Yes, I did.

92. Stitched is the weakest tear strength.

93. A real upholstery craftsman would have used bonded loft.

94. Dai liao. Okay, okay.

95. Yes, I'm living in the garage,

96. because me and Minh, we got divorced.

97. Divorced?

98. But we just saw the two of you together earlier tonight.

99. All for show.

100. Divorce is a mark of shame in the Asian country club community.

101. If they found out, I'd be the lowest of the low,

102. like a Laotian Bill Dauterive.

103. It could taint Connie as good marriage material

104. in the eyes of the Wassanasongs.

105. Does Connie know about the divorce?

106. Yes.

107. That was unnecessarily dramatic.

108. It was completely necessary. This is a serious situation.

109. You— you can't tell anyone, especially your blabbermouth wife.

110. Lie to Peggy? I don't know.

111. Please, Hank Hill.

112. Look at how pathetic my life is already.

113. Even those geckos know it.

114. Every night, they have sex on my bed, mocking me.

115. - They make me watch! - Good Lord.

116. Okay, look, calm down.

117. I guess for the sake of your family's reputation,

118. I can keep your divorce a secret.

119. Thank you. I promise I'll return the favor

120. when you get divorced.

121. Everything's fine.

122. Kahn was just doing some work in his garage.

123. This late at night? What work?

124. Oh, uh, he noticed a rip in the upholstery

125. of their marital bed after they got home.

126. I helped him fix it.

127. There. All questions answered.

128. Good night.

129. Every hors d'oeuvre has a theme of "Laotian Love."

130. - Check it out. - Fried oysters with coconut pearls?

131. The 30th is the pearl anniversary.

132. Oysters are in season.

133. This is incredible. I love it.

134. I'm so glad. I hope your parents do too.

135. Yeah, my parents. They're being so extra with this party.

136. - What do you mean? - It's mainly to impress

137. their so-called friends, especially Chane's parents.

138. They think we're like about to get married or something.

139. Isn't that stupid?

140. Really, really stupid.

141. I mean, I'm just agreeing with you.

142. It'd be so much easier if we could just tell our parents

143. we're in an open ENM relationship.

144. Uh, look, I'll be doing everything that I can to make the event successful.

145. As I like to always say, good food can solve any problem.

146. Thanks, Bobby. You're good to me.

147. Um, I— I should get going. I gotta start studying for finals.

148. Okay, yeah, I should study too, for, um... lunch?

149. See you at the party.

150. Okay, bye!

151. Whose underwear's this, huh?

152. - Honey, this is— - No, you lie!

153. Are you watching reality TV?

154. If so, I'll go rotate my lawnmower tires.

155. I am. There's a new show

156. called My Husband Lied To Me Last Night.

157. But in this episode, he will tell me

158. what really happened at our neighbor's house.

159. Uh, I think you're lying about the title of the show,

160. but I'm gonna let it go.

161. It's like I told ya, Kahn was working on, uh, his new bed frame.

162. Oh, come on, Hank, you have a tell.

163. Every time you try to lie, you clean your glasses.

164. It was cute when you told Brian Robertson

165. you voted for Obama, but not now.

166. I'm not cleaning my— I'm just—

167. My eyes were feeling dry and— Gotdangit!

168. Okay, look, Kahn swore me to secrecy.

169. So, you're completely willing to lie for Kahn,

170. but you could not play along with my bowling story?

171. Your own wife?

172. Okay, you win.

173. Kahn and Minh are divorced.

174. - What? - He's livin' in the garage.

175. And I think he was peein' in a bucket.

176. There was this ammonia smell.

177. After all that bragging and putting us down,

178. turns out their marriage is a lie?

179. Well, well, well.

180. See, that's why I didn't want to tell you.

181. You're gonna want to throw it in their faces.

182. I promised I would keep the divorce a secret, so you do too,

183. or we could ruin their anniversary party.

184. - [♪ dramatic music playing] - Hmm.

185. Sounds like you want me

186. to be an accomplice in your lies, Hank.

187. - That shut you up. - No, Peggy.

188. Now, I am giving you the silent treatment.

189. Amateur. Fine, I will keep their secret.

190. I am not that competitive.

191. In fact, let's see who will be the best liar at the party.

192. Spoiler alert, it will be me.

193. Bring it on.

194. I'm not worried about what'll happen one bit.

195. - [♪ light piano music playing]

196. - Cheers. - To you, my friend.

197. My goodness, I had no idea lies were so expensive these days.

198. Remember, watch what you say, Peggy.

199. Remember, I am the better liar. You watch what you say.

200. Remember, this needs to go well for Bobby and Connie too.

201. Let's just agree for their sake to keep quiet.

202. Hello everyone!

203. Sabaidi. Sabaidi Thuk Khon.

204. Welcome to Kahn and Minh's 30th anniversary party.

205. - [♪ band playing upbeat swanky music]

206. I guess we should go congratulate the allegedly happy couple.

207. Well, well, well, if it isn't the runner-up Hills.

208. Play along.

209. Ha! Yeah, hang in there,

210. and your marriage might last as long as ours.

211. Well, you guys look, uh, r-radiant.

212. Kahn, you are a handsome man.

213. I bet you'll be married for 31 years.

214. Why stop there? I say 40 years.

215. - It's a love that'll last forever. - Even in death.

216. Uh, thank you?

217. Look at this pair of gorgeous young lovebirds.

218. It is nice to see you too, Chane and Connie.

219. Comedy roast!

220. Ted, Cindy! So glad you made it.

221. As president and treasurer of this country club,

222. we're glad and obligated to be here.

223. Thirty years of marriage.

224. What a great example you're setting for our kids here.

225. Hey, maybe they will end up outlasting all of us one day.

226. - Excuse me, I'm gonna get a drink.

227. I'm Kahn's old neighbor, Brian Robertson,

228. and we are the Gentle Funk Orchestra.

229. Normally, we're an R&B band, but tonight,

230. we're fusing in some Laotian flavors.

231. Hit it, khene man.

232. - Oh!

233. - Pretend I'm not here. - Hey!

234. Hey Bobby, can I hang out in here for a minute?

235. What's wrong? Is Joseph hand-feeding the aunties again?

236. Chane's putting on a "boyfriend" show for our parents again.

237. You know, hugging me, kissing me,

238. - rubbing me on my— - I get it.

239. But, uh, uh, uh, are your parents happy

240. with how things are going? The food?

241. I heard people raving about your Endless Summer Rolls.

242. But my parents are just like Chane.

243. They're all about appearances, and...

244. Anyway, thanks for making this whole thing slightly bearable.

245. Slightly bearable's what I'm here for.

246. Anything I can do to bump that up to mildly tolerable?

247. That's the bartender's job.

248. I'm here for the anniversary party.

249. - Name, please? - Mm...

250. - Sonny Soo. - Really?

251. Y-yuh-huh.

252. Mr. Dauterive, we know who you are.

253. It's not like that. We were in love.

254. What is this? It's delicious!

255. These are coconut pearls.

256. Wow, that Chane Wassanasong really knows how to cater a party.

257. When you asked Robata Chane to cater, I knew I had to bring it.

258. What a good Laotian boy!

259. I really appreciate you honoring our culinary heritage.

260. Where on earth did you find galangal root?

261. Yeah, tell us. Where did you find that root?

262. Well, I can't take all the credit.

263. Your daughter inspired a lot of the dishes,

264. like that papaya sticky rice, because she's so sweet.

265. Aww! I think I'm gonna cry.

266. - Bobby said it was mango. - Easy, Peggy.

267. I didn't really contribute, but Chane,

268. aren't you forgetting to thank someone else who did?

269. - The troops? - Never forget.

270. Dude, he's always been a tool.

271. Even in junior high, Chane was taking credit for people's work.

272. Remember those cool S's he drew? I was doing it first.

273. You should just be proud that everyone loves your food.

274. He's only acting like it's more serious with Connie

275. to please his moneybags dad.

276. I oughta tell her she doesn't have to put up with that crap,

277. but I don't want to overstep.

278. I just know I'd hate myself if I had to watch that rich d-bag

279. snuggle up with my crush all night, whispering in her ear,

280. putting his hand on the small of her back.

281. Shut up! Get back out there.

282. - And stop eating all the food.

283. "Don't eat all the food." "Don't grind on the hot old widows."

284. Why am I even here?

285. It's just such a wholesome relationship,

286. which is a nice change of pace for Chane.

287. And we are so happy to see Connie with Chane,

288. especially after all those other duds she dated.

289. I think you forgot that Connie and Bobby dated?

290. Yeah, and my Bobby is no dud.

291. I didn't know your kids dated.

292. Oh!

293. It was nothing. Puppy crush.

294. For real. The Hill boy was barely housebroken.

295. Yeah, their kid was just like a chubby stepping stone

296. - to get to someone like your son. - What was that?

297. Oh, I was just agreeing with Minh.

298. I mean, Bobby and Connie didn't have a real relationship.

299. Oh, and I suppose you and Minh would know all about real relationships?

300. Hey, hey Peggy, listen. Uh, you love this song, remember?

301. You said it always makes you wanna stop talkin' and dance.

302. Come on, don't just stand there.

303. Let it go, Peggy.

304. They're just kissin' up to the Wassanasongs.

305. It's not just that. Now, they're doing it

306. at the expense of our son.

307. You're right. But the night's almost over,

308. and we're so close to gettin' through it without turning this

309. into one of your shows about squabbling housewives.

310. This isn't New Jersey, for crying out loud.

311. Okay, fine, I will not blow it up.

312. But only because I do not want to mess it up for Bobby,

313. and I do not want to lose to you, the world's worst liar.

314. It's fine if this ends in a tie.

315. Soccer taught me that that's okay.

316. One "Minh Julep," extra strong.

317. - You got it, ma'am.

318. There you are!

319. Why aren't you with Chane? You're so cute together.

320. I told you, we're just dating casually.

321. Stop calling him "son" and winking like an idiot.

322. Connie, I just want to see you end up in a good, happy marriage.

323. Stop talking about marriage. I'm 21 years old.

324. I got married when I was 21!

325. Well, Mom, have you ever thought that maybe I don't want to make

326. the same mistakes that you did?

327. Attention, please.

328. The slide show will start right here by the stage in just a few minutes.

329. Crap, that's my cue!

330. - Ah.

331. - Oh! Crap!

332. - [♪ band begins playing] - How 'bout one more dance

333. before the slideshow?

334. To the left. Take it back now, y'all.

335. I love a dance with clear rules and instructions.

336. Can I ask you guys somethin'?

337. Chane is bothering Connie.

338. I want to help her,

339. but that would require a confrontation with him,

340. and his dad is still my boss.

341. Bobby, it's probably best to leave Connie and her parents alone.

342. - Let's stomp! - Why do you say that?

343. Uh, they're just dealin' with a lot of, uh, you know, Laotian stuff.

344. Dad, you have a tell.

345. You're obviously hiding somethin' big.

346. Oh, for the love of God, just tell him, Hank.

347. There's no way you can lie and Cha-Cha-Slide.

348. Okay, look, you can't tell anyone,

349. but, uh, Connie's parents are divorced.

350. Everybody, clap your hands!

351. Silly me.

352. This isn't the way off the property.

353. - [♪ upbeat music playing]

354. - Are you okay? - Of course.

355. This party is going well.

356. - Everyone's happy.

357. But are you okay?

358. - Right foot, let's stomp! - Not really.

359. But I will be. Thanks.

360. Kick it out, y'all.

361. I really should have labeled these.

362. - My dad just told me. - [♪ music stops abruptly]

363. If I had known your parents were divorced,

364. - I would have been there for you.

365. I'm so sorry.

366. Don't be.

367. Nobody knows about the divorce.

368. - They're keeping it secret.

369. - What's wrong?

370. What's the ma— Why is everyone looking at us

371. and why are we on TV?

372. Oh! Oh, uh-oh.

373. - Bobby! - Hank Hill!

374. - Ha, ha, ha, ha.

375. Funny prank, Bobby Hill, you little scamp, you.

376. Everybody, relax. We are not divorced.

377. We have a strong marriage.

378. Tons of sex. Even right before we came here.

379. Don't worry, we washed our hands.

380. That's enough, Kahn. It's true, everyone.

381. This anniversary party is a sham.

382. We have been divorced for two years.

383. Thank you for coming.

384. - What? No way! - Oh, my goodness.

385. - Bwaaah!

386. They've been divorced for two years? Well, that means, technically,

387. we have been married longer. Hoyeah!

388. Okay, we're divorced. But I still live in the garage!

389. - I find that very sad. - And disgusting.

390. Cindy, maybe Chane shouldn't be dating a girl

391. from a broken family whose father sleeps with leftover paint and silverfish.

392. It's actually geckos.

393. Hey, it seems like you have a lot going on.

394. I'm gonna give you some space and get out of here.

395. You're ditching me? Now?

396. You know the rules of ENM.

397. We don't have to burden each other with our problems.

398. I thought that's what we loved about this arrangement.

399. So, you pretend to be a real boyfriend

400. when you want to impress your parents, but now that I need your support—

401. Hey, stop forcing me to feel your feelings.

402. This isn't consensual, and I don't feel safe.

403. Look, we can still meet up later to have sex, if you want.

404. I'll do that for you!

405. Ah! I'm sorry. I'll leave.

406. Come in, Bill. It doesn't matter anymore.

407. Everyone knows that me and Minh are divorced.

408. At least the worst part is over.

409. Oh, Kahn. It gets much, much worse.

410. Oh, hello, Connie. I...

411. - I'm sorry, Mrs. Hill. - For what?

412. For how my parents were treating you guys, and Bobby.

413. He did a great job tonight and didn't get any credit.

414. Thank you. I am sorry

415. for what you and your family are going through.

416. It's weird. I knew my parents were divorced,

417. but it's, like, real now.

418. I have always competed with your parents, out-competed.

419. But one thing we all did right was raise wonderful children.

420. - [♪ gentle music playing] - We tied in that.

421. And, if you decide one day that marriage is for you, Connie,

422. you will be a great wife to a very lucky man.

423. You are not destined to end up like your parents.

424. I remember as a kid always feeling better after talking to you.

425. Thank you.

426. Would you say that I was a better mom than Minh?

427. Leave me out of that, Mrs. Hill.

428. I'm sorry for my part in all of that.

429. Trust me, you're the last person I blame.

430. You know, it didn't seem like you had a chance to eat all night, so I—

431. - I just broke up with Chane. - You did?

432. I— I'm sorry. Would mango sticky rice

433. make you feel any better?

434. I know "good food can solve any problem,"

435. but right now, I could really just use a hug.

436. Well, I brought that too.

437. Big shout-out to the lovely couple keeping this party going.

438. They've been married for 29 years.

439. - Let's give it up for 'em.

440. - Come on now. - You know, Brian,

441. I am a bit of a musician myself.

442. In fact, I placed second in the Aramco Talent Show.

443. Sorry. I mean, I was third runner-up.

444. - [♪ band playing soft ballad] - Don't be modest, Peggy.

445. She won the whole darn thing.

446. It was the best acoustic cover of Despacito

447. that Saudi Arabia has ever seen.

448. Hank Hill, did you just lie for me?

449. I did. And I feel kinda dirty, but in a good way.

450. Like how I feel after cleaning out the garbage disposal.

451. Just shut up and dance, Hank.

452. Hey, Kahn. We wanted to, uh, check on ya.

453. I brought you a beer.

454. We know you've been rejected by your community,

455. but we're your community, too.

456. Can I ask Minh out?

457. This isn't New Jersey, for crying out loud.