King of the Hill 14x5

1. - Nope - No!

2. - Uh-uh. - Nope.

3. I cannot believe they're allowing it to happen

4. openly in the streets!

5. Fake sport, man. You gotta tackle somethin', man.

6. We're losing some of our best sports kids to soccer.

7. What's next, we teach 'em to measure milk in liters?

8. Replace donuts with scones?

9. Well, I don't know, guys.

10. Luke could be the next Lionel Messi.

11. Or whoever. I was just makin' up a name.

12. Did I kick that right?

13. Such a dumb sport.

14. Got 'em dang ol' A-Y-S-O, man. "Step Daddy Duty," man.

15. Hold on, Boomhauer! I'll come with ya!

16. I hear the fields now have St. Augustine grass.

17. - [♪ suspicious music playing] - Supposed to be lusher than Bermuda.

18. I'll believe that when I see it.

19. Hi, Dale. Come on in.

20. - Can I get you some scones?

21. I've really come around on scones.

22. Didn't you notice how much Hank suddenly knows about soccer?

23. The Hank Hill I know hated soccer.

24. I'm afraid my suspicions have been confirmed.

25. Hank was turned in Saudi Arabia.

26. Turned into what?

27. A spy, you idiot!

28. He's been brainwashed by Mohammed bin Salman,

29. the Sheikh of Araby.

30. Oh, no. Peggy could be in danger!

31. We all could be in danger, Bill!

32. But MBS' secret police didn't know one thing.

33. Soccer is despised in Texas,

34. despite the best efforts of that Canadian assassin Deadpool,

35. and that Ted Lasso.

36. I don't know. Boomhauer's kid is playing.

37. Maybe it's too late.

38. Maybe the contagion has already spread!

39. Why couldn't Hank have been turned into somethin' less scary,

40. like a werewolf?

41. I wish that were it.

42. I've killed werewolves before.

43. Or at least a really big dog.

44. - Yes! - Becca!

45. - Over here!

46. You missed that call, Ref!

47. Dang ol'... wh-what, man? I'm d— talkin'-- just...

48. - just a volunteer, man.

49. That was offsides. - Oh boy.

50. We got one of those way-too-into-it soccer dads here.

51. Why do they have to ruin it with rules? Just let the kids have fun.

52. Well, the rules make it fun.

53. - Behind you! - What the heck?

54. - That's a foul! - Hey!

55. You're missin' a great game, Ref!

56. That can't be right. - Ow, man!

57. What the heck? Isn't he gonna say something?

58. Ah! Oh...

59. Come on!

60. Another ref quit! Any y'all wanna volunteer?

61. If not, we automatically lose!

62. Can we just call it a tie?

63. - I can do it. - You know the rules?

64. Um, I'm, uh, I'm no expert or anything.

65. Just picked some stuff up from watching.

66. A player is offsides if their feet are in the half of the opposing team,

67. and there isn't a defender between them

68. and the goalkeeper before the ball is played forward.

69. I tell you what.

70. The singer in the avocado costume is definitely Tupac.

71. Ugh, it's just Don Lemon.

72. Whether you're a young buckaroo lookin' to buy

73. - your first set of wagon wheels... - Don't skip this ad! I love it.

74. or a grizzled old cowpoke

75. fixin' to buy a convertible buggy,

76. come on down to Bronco Barry Bilford's Car Corral

77. off 635 in Dallas.

78. But don't take my word for it.

79. - Let Switzer here tell you.

80. Aw.

81. I've loved those crazy ads since I was little.

82. Can't believe Bronco Barry's still doing it.

83. He hasn't aged a day.

84. That's because they never updated the commercial.

85. Well, why change what works?

86. I mean, it got me thinkin'

87. maybe it's time I go down and buy a car.

88. I wouldn't have to bum rides from you guys,

89. and I've saved enough for the down payment.

90. I don't know.

91. You better ask your mom to come down and help you.

92. My mom? Please.

93. You have to be tech savvy to buy a car these days.

94. Her Waze app's been stuck on Mandarin

95. for the last three months,

96. and she's helpless to change it!

97. But, Bobby, those car dealers are slick.

98. And you're just too...

99. nice.

100. I appreciate your concern, Connie,

101. but I can handle myself just fine.

102. Now, would you please put a coaster under your iced tea,

103. so you don't leave a ring on our cardboard accent table?

104. Who's too nice now?

105. - Hi, honey. - Dammit, Peggy.

106. I shoulda known you'd see right through me.

107. I went with Boomhauer

108. to watch his girlfriend's son's soccer game.

109. Well, honey, that is not a bad thing.

110. I, for one, am glad to see that Boomhauer

111. is taking his role as Luke's father-adjacent figure seriously.

112. I also filled in as referee

113. after everyone turned on Boomhauer.

114. They kicked balls at his head, Peggy.

115. The disrespect for authority was just so un-American.

116. Our country has changed, Hank. Do you know

117. that the cashier at Frumpy's asks for tips now?

118. I came here for some sensible shorts, not to get fleeced.

119. Okay, well, there's something else.

120. Turns out there's a referee shortage in Texas.

121. So, the coach asked me to do it again.

122. So, what did you say?

123. I said no.

124. After years of enjoying mocking soccer,

125. I can't have the fellas think I now enjoy it

126. without the mocking.

127. - I'd be a hypocrite, Peggy. - Wait.

128. Do you like soccer?

129. Well, I was minding my own business,

130. trying to focus on the job I was sent to do,

131. repairing stadium-grade

132. - HD-10 propane tanks.

133. Gotdangit, if the beautiful artistry on that field didn't lure me in.

134. I love soccer, Peggy.

135. You are lucky my father is not alive, Hank Hill.

136. He did not approve of soccer, no siree.

137. He'd ban me from being with a bad boy like you.

138. Although, it's almost like we have a dirty little secret.

139. Hey, Hank, why don't you put on that referee uniform?

140. I haven't seen your calves during the day in a decade.

141. Peggy, the windows are open!

142. I know. Are you gonna put me in the penalty box?

143. Now, that's hockey. I'm reffing soccer.

144. Don't ruin it.

145. So, you're gonna keep reffing, right, honey?

146. Even if it's dirty and dangerous

147. and amoral and would get us shunned by your friends?

148. Yep.

149. 4:00 in the morning. The Manchurian Candidate

150. and his potentially complicit wife

151. are wide awake, betraying our country.

152. - Probably up for morning prayer,

153. or talking to their Saudi handlers.

154. - Still could be werewolves. - Okay, Bill.

155. Despite my tracking prowess, Hank is kind of a wily one.

156. I won't be able to keep an eye on both of them,

157. so I'm going to assign you to surveil Peggy.

158. On it!

159. - Come on, blue! - Go!

160. Look out!

161. Hey! Why are you giving the ball to the other team?

162. That's bad for my kid's side!

163. Yeah! What kind of call was that?

164. The correct one.

165. Good game. Good game.

166. Great game, Hank!

167. Unlike the other refs, you knew the rules and...

168. and didn't cry.

169. Well, thank you, Brian.

170. I think you just wrote my epitaph.

171. How did the game go, Mr. Referee?

172. Well, it was an aggressive hard-fought battle,

173. and the coaches were running their mouths a bit,

174. but the rules were followed and justice was enforced.

175. Oh... sounds like there is a new sheriff in town.

176. You are my Gary Cooper,

177. but with a whistle instead of a badge.

178. Hm.

179. Tell me again about the offsides.

180. You wanna hear it fast or slow?

181. Oh my! It's Bobby.

182. - Hank, do I answer it? - Good Lord, not now!

183. - We're in the aftermath.

184. Bobby! Honey, how is my sweet boy?

185. Hi, Mom. I have a question for you.

186. I was just cleaning the house. Alone!

187. That is why I'm flushed and winded.

188. Okay, but that's not my question.

189. Do you still have my driver's ed certificate?

190. Of course. It's laminated with your diploma.

191. You did not get too many awards, so we made the most of what we had.

192. Also, do you think I can be...

193. "too nice" sometimes?

194. Oh. Well, honey, there is no such thing

195. as being too nice, Bobby.

196. So, I would say you are just the right amount.

197. But, let me ask your father.

198. Your father agrees. Why do you ask, honey?

199. It's just, I'm about to buy a car,

200. and I know exactly what I want, but—

201. Oh, Bobby, let me help. I can hop in my car,

202. that I got a great deal on, by the way, and be there in no time.

203. Honey, these salesmen are pros,

204. and you are, well, you are very nice, but—

205. Thanks. Gotta go.

206. Tell him to wear a tie.

207. Your father says wear a tie!

208. I just heard him yell that to me from another room that I'm not in!

209. Stanley, you're needed in finance...

210. Welcome to Bronco Barry Bilford's Car Corral.

211. Did ya get a gander at any of our certified or pre-owned veh—

212. Look, with all due respect, sir,

213. you're a businessman, I'm a businessman.

214. And I've done my research.

215. So, let's talk turkey.

216. This is the car I want and how much I'm willing to pay.

217. I have included a copy of my driver's license,

218. and my credit score is sparkling.

219. Now, that price is based on the current consumer index

220. for similar makes and models that have sold

221. in the greater Dallas-Fort Worth area,

222. plus 2%.

223. I understand you have to make your margins.

224. Well, I know when I've met my match.

225. I better get the boss.

226. Paging line one, maintenance, line one.

227. Oh, my God! It's you! I mean,

228. I'm not saying you look old or anything,

229. but what happened? I'm sorry.

230. It's okay, son.

231. Now, about your deal.

232. You did your homework, and you drove a hard bargain.

233. You beat the devil his self.

234. Well, these dang internet sites.

235. You know, maybe it's time we hung it up for good.

236. I'm too old for this.

237. You'll get your deal. There's just one thing

238. I'd like you to consider first.

239. Now, hang on. I came in here to—

240. Would you do me this courtesy, please?

241. As a fellow businessman?

242. Is that Switzer?

243. I just call him that for the Dallas Cowboy fans.

244. Real name's Bobby.

245. That's my name!

246. What? Well,

247. ain't that somethin'.

248. Sadly, he's gotten a little long in the tooth.

249. - Showbiz can be cruel to horses.

250. I am sorry, Mr. Bronco Barry sir,

251. but I'm not sure what this has to do with the deal we agreed on.

252. Well, son, as you pointed out,

253. I'm getting a little long in the tooth myself,

254. and I just can't take care of him the way I used to.

255. Seein' as how you beat the tar out of us

256. on this deal for your gas wagon,

257. you might do a... dying old man a favor

258. and take Switz— I mean... Bobby,

259. as part of the package.

260. No, I came here to buy a car and a car only.

261. No extended warranties, no anti-lock brakes,

262. and certainly no horses.

263. Ah, that sure is a shame.

264. I was hopin' to pass him on

265. - to someone I trust.

266. My one last wish.

267. But, it looks like I'm gonna have to...

268. get rid of him another way.

269. I know a nice guy like you

270. wouldn't murder a sweet horse like this.

271. Dude! What did you do?

272. Told ya you were too nice.

273. Dude, there's no way we're keeping a horse!

274. N-No! Get him outta here!

275. - [♪ gentle music playing] - Aw, I love you, horse!

276. Hank's not here, Bill.

277. [loud, stilted] Hello, Peggy! I'm just here

278. to return this Tupperware container

279. and for no other reason at all!

280. Oh, well, thank you.

281. I was wondering where this has been.

282. Since 1998.

283. [stilted, quieter] And as a token of my gratitude,

284. I've prepared you two dishes.

285. A piece of wholesome, traditional, American apple pie,

286. or the very foreign dish of falafel and hummus.

287. - Which would you prefer? - Oh, you're sweet, Bill.

288. But I would never eat food that has been in your home.

289. I understand.

290. Sorry, Dale. I couldn't break Peggy.

291. I tried every trick I knew, but she was too tough for me.

292. And pretty.

293. No matter. You planted the bug.

294. I affixed a small recording device to the Tupperware.

295. I just got the call, Peggy.

296. Oh!

297. Yep. They want me to ref a high school game.

298. Arlen versus Plano South

299. - at Arlen Eagle Stadium.

300. The biggest stadium in town.

301. My duty— be to enforce...

302. Hoyeah!

303. - Well, what's wrong, honey? - It's a big game, Peggy.

304. Even the mayor will be there.

305. Her son plays for Arlen.

306. Everyone will know I like soccer.

307. Everyone? Or is it the guys in the alley?

308. You listen to me, Hank Hill.

309. If it were up to Dale, Bill, and Boomhauer,

310. you would just spend your time drinking beer and complaining about...

311. "Oh, kids these days and their haircuts."

312. You have evolved, honey.

313. Maybe I have evolved.

314. Although I still don't like

315. women shaving their heads and dyeing what's left.

316. They look like fruit.

317. Honey, you deserve to ref this game.

318. Those kids need you.

319. - [static, breaking up] The mayor— has— kid...

320. It's the only way.

321. - [♪ dramatic music playing] - He's going to kidnap the mayor!

322. You can't bring a horse into our garage.

323. Get rid of it by tomorrow, or I'm going to evict you.

324. Our upstairs neighbor has a dog!

325. You have a horse!

326. And it just shat all over my wife's Ford Focus!

327. I'm sorry,

328. but our stables are all booked for the next month.

329. Are you sure you can't help us out?

330. I just spent $200 on apples and—

331. - And she hung up.

332. This is crazy!

333. - I'm calling Bronco Barry!

334. Gotdangit, hello!

335. Mr. Bronco Barry, sir,

336. you told me we were allowed to keep horses

337. in a residential area in Dallas—

338. No take-backs, mister!

339. But, what about honesty?

340. I thought we were fellow businessmen.

341. Oh, we are!

342. And I out-businessed you!

343. I've been trying to get rid of that horse for six months,

344. and I ain't payin' a large animal vet

345. or some kinda funeral horse home to take him.

346. You know what they charge to bury horses? Huh?

347. Do ya? Two grand!

348. And I wouldn't pay that much to bury my own mammy.

349. We might have to do the difficult thing.

350. No! Not yet!

351. He's a stone breed!

352. I read online that they're low maintenance and don't eat a lot.

353. - That was coconut shrimp!

354. Hey, Ref! Why don't you get your head outta your ass!

355. Thank you, Mayor.

356. Uh, Mrs. Mayor? My name is Hank Hill,

357. and it will be my honor to referee your son's game tonight.

358. Okay...

359. Just don't get too close. I wouldn't want it to look like

360. I'm givin' Arlen special treatment.

361. Uh...

362. Well, well, if it isn't my esteemed successor, Mayor Seager.

363. - I'm sorry, who are you? - The man who is saving your life.

364. Now, if you don't mind, I need to borrow the good ref for a moment.

365. This better be important, Dale. The game's about to start.

366. Bill? What the hell?

367. Dale, you're an idio—

368. We had to stop you

369. before you kidnapped the mayor,

370. and whatever else you needed to do before you went to Terrorist Heaven

371. and collected your 72 virgins!

372. Is that what this is about, Hank?

373. - The virgins? - I'm sorry, Hank!

374. - Ah! What the...?

375. Dale, you better tell me what's goin' on right away,

376. or I'm gonna kick your ass.

377. I've been surveilling you and your honey trap, Hank Hill.

378. - My honey trap? - Peggy!

379. You two were turned into spies

380. by the Saudi government while you were overseas!

381. And how'd you arrive at that asinine conclusion?

382. I suspected since day one,

383. but soccer, obviously, was the final proof I needed.

384. You've been corrupted by the Saudis' globalist agenda.

385. One nation, under soccer!

386. Did it ever occur to you that I might actually like soccer?

387. Ha-ha! Good one!

388. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, Hank,

389. but I downloaded a recipe

390. for homemade truth serum off the Dark Web,

391. and I'm gonna use it until you reveal who's funding your treasonous plot.

392. How do you know that won't kill me?

393. While you were unconscious,

394. I tried it on Bill to test the dosage.

395. Bill! Tell me the truth!

396. I'm scared! I'm lonely and scared!

397. See?

398. It works.

399. - Attention!

400. Our referee has gone MIA.

401. We can't find him anywhere.

402. Does anyone know how to ref?

403. If we don't find one, we're gonna have to forfeit,

404. and there won't be any refunds!

405. - [♪ suspenseful music plays] Wait!

406. Dale, there's no need for that. I'll tell you the truth.

407. I'm listening.

408. You were right. But, you only have part of the story.

409. I'm a double agent.

410. Ah!

411. I was recruited by the US government to spy on the Saudis.

412. Propane repair was just my cover.

413. I knew a sheep like Bill wouldn't be able to understand the complexity

414. of an operation like this.

415. But, you've probably been ahead of it the whole time.

416. Yes. Yes, I was.

417. And liking soccer was part of the subterfuge?

418. It was the only way to trick the Saudis into thinking I was working for them.

419. That is brilliant.

420. Thank you for you service, patriot.

421. I apologize for all this.

422. I should've trusted you.

423. And my gut,

424. but I let Bill wind me up.

425. I do not understand.

426. So, Dale thought you were an international super spy

427. because you started liking soccer in Saudi Arabia?

428. Peggy, I couldn't explain Dale's insanity under normal circumstances,

429. but now, there's no time.

430. Step on it! Get me to that game before they forfeit!

431. - My bad boy is back.

432. Hoyeah!

433. What in the hell is goin' on here?

434. - When they couldn't find you,

435. Boomhauer stepped in.

436. He made a few changes.

437. Changes? He ruined a beautiful game!

438. Hold on, Hank. Just look around.

439. Does this game look ruined to you?

440. Dang it. On— Play on!

441. That 'em dang ol' wrestle, man.

442. That's now an Arlen ball.

443. Yes, it is ruined.

444. Boomhauer's just turned soccer into football.

445. And wrestling. And some kinda mixed martial arts.

446. Not to mention, he missed about five offsides calls.

447. Eh... Nobody understands that rule anyway.

448. Forget it, Hank.

449. - It's Texas.

450. Okay. What if I tell the landlord

451. that Switzer is my emotional support animal, like—

452. Joseph, I love you,

453. but that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

454. Why do you always hate my ideas?

455. Why don't you guys just call John Redcorn?

456. - [♪ mystical music plays] - I see what happened here.

457. - You do? - You fell for the oldest scam in the book.

458. The "Pale Face Pawn Off."

459. My people have been pulling a version of this

460. on the white man for years.

461. It's how we get rid of our used livestock.

462. Okay. So, is there anything you can do to help us?

463. I'll take the horse to my land.

464. But, only if you two knuckleheads agree to come visit him.

465. I think I'm done with horses for now,

466. but that sounds like a great thing for you and Joseph to do together.

467. I am sure Arlen will be ready for soccer someday.

468. Yeah, you're right.

469. I guess for now, it'll just have to be our dirty little secret.

470. To be honest, Hank, it just does not feel as forbidden now.

471. - Even my dad would approve.

472. But, you know what does get my motor running?

473. The idea of you being a big,

474. - bad foreign spy. - Heh.

475. Are you saying you'd like to be my honey trap?

476. Da! Call me Natasha.

477. [on radio, breaking up] Gonna have to...

478. assassinate... the president.

479. Zee eagle flies at dawn.

480. Get the chloroform.

481. I would never eat food that has been in your home.