King of the Hill 14x10

1. You are late.

2. Now, we can call this meeting of the Hill Family Inc. to order.

3. Can we at least skip the reading of the minutes?

4. No, I...

5. Okay, fine.

6. Our income portfolio has paid out dividends,

7. so we need to decide what to do with the new money.

8. How much are we talkin' about?

9. - Just a measly 5%. - Measly?

10. That's money making money, invented by President Reagan.

11. Yes, but still less than the average index fund.

12. Then, there is inflation, which if you ask me,

13. is the real silent killer.

14. Heart disease just has better marketing.

15. That's what was so great about the Aramco retirement plan.

16. You pick your risk tolerance.

17. Leave moderate growth for millennials and other folks who wear tattoos to work.

18. I'm just trying to have more say in our investments.

19. Every second we do not invest is money lost.

20. Remember, time is money.

21. But also remember, slow and steady wins the race.

22. No need to turn this into a cliché comp—

23. Early bird gets the worm!

24. - Yep. - Yep.

25. Yep.

26. Whoa, Hank.

27. Whatever's eating at you, don't take it out on us.

28. Well, I'm sorry for the short fuse, fellas.

29. Me and Peggy were just havin' some money discussions.

30. Hello, gentlemen. Would you like to try

31. John Redcorn's Red Corn?

32. - Mm! - Oh, man.

33. That's some dang ol' good stuff, man.

34. You got yourself some mighty good corn here, John Redcorn.

35. Nancy would love this. Have you given it to her yet?

36. I've been giving it to Nancy for quite some time.

37. How much have you sold so far?

38. None.

39. Invasive pigs have ravaged most of my land.

40. You know what kind of hogs can't eat crops?

41. The dead kind.

42. Well, I read that the best way to take care of a feral hog problem

43. is actually trapping them.

44. 'Course you'd say that, Hank, 'cause you can't shoot.

45. This isn't about whether or not I can shoot.

46. - You can't! Wingo! - You right, man.

47. This is about how to best help John Redcorn.

48. Maybe you can help me mend the fences and set traps too.

49. Well, that sounds good.

50. There's no shame in gathering while the other men hunt.

51. - Hm. - Nice burn, JR.

52. According to hundreds of reviews, this trap is perfect

53. - for catching up to 50 hogs a day.

54. Dang man, mow 'em down, mow 'em down!

55. - [gunshot, pig squealing] - Nailed it!

56. - That's 51!

57. Uh, there's a money-back guarantee on this.

58. It's just a first date with Connie.

59. Be cool!

60. Wow, this is nice.

61. I thought I couldn't "Handel" classical music,

62. but it was on my "Chopin Liszt."

63. I take that "Bach."

64. Sorry. Frasier's been on Netflix.

65. No, no, no, it— it was funny.

66. I'm just tired from pulling all-nighters this week.

67. Oh, I get it. Last night I stayed up

68. until 2:00 a.m. peeling garlic.

69. I don't smell, do I?

70. - I showered twice.

71. This concerto is supposed to be great,

72. according to the Beethoven subreddit.

73. The composer. Not the movie about the dog.

74. That movie subreddit gets surprisingly nasty.

75. "Concerto in D."

76. I learned this right before I stopped playing in middle school.

77. You don't play violin anymore?

78. - I don't. - Oh.

79. Did not know that.

80. This is one of the longest violin concertos ever written.

81. Did not know that either.

82. - [♪ classical music playing]

83. - Quiet!

84. - Shh!

85. Nothing like fresh harvested pork.

86. Bill, I didn't think you were gonna get that last one.

87. That had to be a 200-yard shot.

88. My trick is I don't shoot where the pig is,

89. I shoot where the pig is going to be.

90. That's called hunting, Bill.

91. Hank, why don't you grill up the pigs you caught in your trap?

92. Oh, that's right, there are none.

93. It was good doing something together.

94. I haven't had this much fun since...

95. No reason we can't do it every weekend.

96. There are plenty of farms with plenty more pigs to shoot.

97. Yeah, man, like 'em dang ol' Ikigai, the intersecting circles, man.

98. Do what you love, never gonna work a dang ol' day in your life, man.

99. You really think we can make it a business, Boomhauer?

100. Well, it's a better idea than your Uber for dogs.

101. If a dog can guide a man across the street,

102. why can't he drive a car?

103. Wait, your idea was for the dog to—

104. Never mind.

105. If you're serious about this, my advice is for you to take your time

106. and build it slow and steady.

107. Like I was tellin' Peggy when we were trying to figure out

108. where to invest our extra money.

109. - Uh...

110. - Hank has money! - Yeah, Hank,

111. you could invest in Boomhauer's idea.

112. Yeah, man, you got that dang ol' nest egg, man.

113. Sure, sure, we'll talk about it at the next meeting of Hill Family Inc.

114. Hey, who wants some ribs?

115. Mm, tasty.

116. Talkin' 'bout two years, man, to get ol' red, red to black, man.

117. Gonna be cash positive already, man,

118. return on the dang ol' investment, man. Angel.

119. What the hell is going on?

120. Hank, Boomhauer is making a pitch

121. for his hog-killing business. Quiet.

122. I told him I was gonna talk to you about it.

123. Well, he beat you to it.

124. So now, I am considering investing my half of our money, Hank.

125. My half and your half?

126. That's not how we do our investments.

127. Investing isn't like raising a child.

128. You can't just make it up as you go along.

129. Well, Hank, he has a reasonable cost structure for equipment,

130. a sound profit projection based on the population growth of pigs in Texas,

131. and low employee costs:

132. Dale and Bill.

133. This is our retirement money we're talkin' about.

134. How 'bout we let someone at our bank decide?

135. They have a bit more know-how than both of us.

136. Fine.

137. So, Mr. Coleman, we came to you because we knew you'd be able to tell us

138. if this was a bad idea or a horrible, horrible idea.

139. I'm glad you came to me. I've gone over the papers.

140. - Yeah? - I think this

141. is a great business idea and a sound investment.

142. - Exactl— Wait, what? - Hoyeah!

143. Hoyeah, man, that ol' hoyeah, man.

144. Well, if it's such a great idea, why don't you invest in it?

145. - Well, you make a good point. - See, that's what I thought.

146. - I'll go in with you as a partner. - You will?

147. I'll help you make the business connections you need.

148. This seems to be moving way too fast.

149. Yeah, man, you talkin' 'bout puttin' that money

150. where your dang ol' mouth is, man. You got a dang ol' deal, man.

151. There's room for one more hand, Hank.

152. We would be a great team.

153. You know, every team needs a guy to watch the team from the stands

154. without putting his money in.

155. Go, team.

156. I love it, yes!

157. Then, it's unanimous.

158. The name of the company will be "Boar No More."

159. Uh, Peggy, who is this person? And why is everyone in our kitchen?

160. I'm Cindy Carrington, Community Development.

161. I'm excited to share I've already lined up two farms as your first clients.

162. Oh, no, I'm not— Wow.

163. Well, even though you have a very strong handshake, I, uh—

164. this isn't— I-I'm not investing in the company.

165. Bill? You invested in this nonsense too?

166. Oh, I'm not an investor.

167. I'm in charge of field operations.

168. You know, shootin' stuff,

169. then hidin' any stuff we weren't supposed to shoot.

170. I'm a salaried employee.

171. Hard to make a salary when there's no money comin' in.

172. It's called deferred compensation, Hank.

173. - Okay, what that means is— - I know what it means, Peggy.

174. - It means he's a glorified intern. - That is just not true.

175. - Bill, the creamer's low. - I'm on it!

176. Alright, so the purpose of this meeting is to discuss—

177. Bup-bup! This is an executive session.

178. - Company officers only. - And who are you?

179. Sorry. Connor Feliz, Accounting.

180. Look, Connor from Accounting,

181. I don't know how to kick someone's ass over Zoom,

182. but I'll figure it out if you try to put me out of my own kitchen.

183. Hank, if you wanna stay, honey, there is still an opportunity

184. for you to invest in the company.

185. In exchange for my 30 years of exterminating experience,

186. I get stock options.

187. That's guaranteed money!

188. That's not how stock options work.

189. How do they work, Hank?

190. I have no idea, but it can't be that.

191. I'll take my coffee outside.

192. - Bup-bup-bup! I move that we— - Oops.

193. You slept together on the first date?

194. You're a legend!

195. No, bro, you're not listenin'.

196. We both fell asleep and got kicked out of the symphony.

197. - For having sex? - Joseph, come on, man.

198. Did you take your Adderall?

199. It was an awful first date, and I blew it.

200. - Okay, okay, I'm focused.

201. Connie?

202. Hellooo?

203. Hey, Bobby. First off, I wanna say,

204. I know last night wasn't the best first date.

205. Yeah, I kinda felt that too.

206. We just need to figure out a good "us" date, you know?

207. I think I have a surprise you're gonna love.

208. Ask her if it's "that thang."

209. Joseph, I can hear you.

210. - Then answer me!

211. Check this out, Hank. We already have equipment sponsors.

212. Equipment sponsors?

213. People are just givin' you free stuff?

214. Wow, Hank, you're red-hot with jealousy.

215. You got dang little F-O-M-O, man. I'm talkin' 'bout that FOMO, man.

216. I do not have F-O-M-O.

217. I just don't understand. Y'all haven't killed pig one yet.

218. Well, that is how business works, Hank.

219. We do not have to kill pigs to make money.

220. We just have to let people know how many pigs we plan on killing,

221. and then they are going to give us money today

222. for the pigs we kill tomorrow.

223. It is all in the prospectus.

224. I'm not taking this for myself.

225. I'm gonna run it past the most successful businessperson I know.

226. You came to the right person, Ol' Top.

227. Are you sure this is a good time, sir?

228. I'm retired, Hank. I got nothing but time now.

229. - Walk with me, Hank.

230. So, what am I missing, Buck? How is this a good investment?

231. Yeah, well, I know the game they're playin',

232. and trust me, the odds are stacked against ya

233. more than at a Puerto Rican craps table.

234. Uh-uh, I wouldn't roll those dice, even if I loaded 'em myself.

235. This was the kind of advice I was lookin' for, sir.

236. Especially after they told me it was the last chance

237. to get in on the ground floor.

238. - Hmm.

239. How much is the buy-in?

240. Uh— Uh... for you?

241. It's the same amount as you used to pay me in a year.

242. Well, that's nothin'.

243. Nothin' you wanna risk losing.

244. You just— you just go on home and you tell your wife

245. you're passin' on their offer.

246. What are you gonna do, Hank?

247. Uh, pass on their offer, sir.

248. 200% projected growth in one year is too good to be true.

249. - Sir, are you okay?

250. You gotta go slower, Mr. Strickland.

251. Yeah, uh...

252. It just, you know, it makes my blood boil

253. to think a simple, honest man like you almost got fleeced.

254. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for my sponge bath.

255. Oh, good, you're all here.

256. Well, I appreciate the offer, but after talkin' with someone

257. who knows more about business than all of us combined,

258. I'm gonna pass again.

259. The shares are not available anymore, Hank.

260. - Really? - Is that Hank?

261. Mr. Strickland?

262. You got the last shares?

263. But you told me it was too good to be true.

264. Hank, it's your own fault you seduced me

265. with your stories of dice, and odds, and craps.

266. Those were your words, sir.

267. Hank, this is a closed-door meetin' of investors.

268. You gotta go. Sergeant at arms!

269. Sorry, Hank. Nothin' personal.

270. What the...?

271. - Peggy's husband is here.

272. Yeah, let him in.

273. - Follow me.

274. Cheers!

275. - Cheers, man! - Here's to us!

276. To us, livin' high on the hog!

277. - Good one, Buck!

278. Here's your celery stalk juice, Mr. Strickland.

279. - Oh!

280. - I'm happy to announce

281. that Boar No More has been acquired

282. by the biggest publicly-traded hog eradication company

283. in the Southwest,

284. - Pig Force Incorporated!

285. How did you sell a two-week-old company in two days?

286. Oh, the company sold itself.

287. I didn't even have to lift my skirt.

288. Pig Force is buying up smaller companies all over the state.

289. Hank, isn't it great?

290. I have tripled our money, plus we all got shares in Pig Force Inc.

291. Honey, can you believe it?

292. They have gone up 20% since we sold!

293. Ah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' hot stock, man.

294. That good ol' dang man, that choo choo on that dang ol' gravy train, man.

295. Cha-cha-ching! That's what I say now.

296. - Get used to it. - Hank, isn't it great?

297. We're all going to be rich! Oh, except you.

298. Sorry, I'm just used to you being involved in what we do.

299. - No, that's fine. I'm at peace with my—

300. It just went up another 2%!

301. Cha-cha-ching! Warned you.

302. As I was saying, I'm at peace with my decision.

303. I don't feel like I'm missing out.

304. - Whoo, they're here!

305. Gifts for our company founders.

306. - Wingo! - Oh, goody!

307. - Gotdangit. - Ooh, man!

308. Talkin' 'bout dang ol' shiiit.

309. And here to present them, Pig Force celebrity spokesperson,

310. - Nolan Ryan! - The Ryan Express?

311. These keys are for Peggy, Bill, Dale, and— how do you say this?

312. Oh, talkin' 'bout dang ol' Boomhauer, man.

313. Dang ol' Boomhauer.

314. How did they get you to come here?

315. I invested in Pig Force stock. You'd be a damn fool not to.

316. - It's gone up 10 more percent!

317. - Cha-cha-ching! - Hey, that's my thing.

318. And it's still goin'! Yes!

319. Go! Go! Go!

320. Oh, wow.

321. Is it possible that I am even better at investing than I thought?

322. I have to go to the bathroom.

323. And, honey, while you're in there, I will get Nolan Ryan

324. to sign a football for you.

325. Good ol' slow and steady.

326. Go! Go! Go! Go!

327. This is a fun surprise, right?

328. Sure!

329. Remember when we played in the bouncy house

330. at Mr. Dauterive's as kids?

331. So fun!

332. I remember the creepy guy who sold us beer,

333. and I remember throwin' up.

334. Oh, yeah.

335. Why aren't you jumpin' higher?

336. I'm trying, kid. I'm just outta shape.

337. Are you a giant kid or a weird adult?

338. Neither. Go away.

339. I didn't think there'd be so many kids here.

340. As long as I'm with you, I'm having fun.

341. Let's see how high we can bounce. Come on, take my hand!

342. - Whoa!

343. - Ow! - Are you okay?

344. - Oh my goodness, Connie!

345. Are we still chanting?

346. No, Hank, we are not.

347. Shiiit.

348. Wall Street's sayin' traditional pig eradication companies are out.

349. So, all our investors are bailing like ticks on a drownin' dog.

350. - What does that mean? - Ticks can't breathe underwater, Hank.

351. It means the company's stock is worthless!

352. Bwaah!

353. Oh, well, win some, lose some.

354. Thanks for the fun, guys.

355. I guess you made the right play this time, Ol' Top.

356. She's being sedated to help with the pain. Can I ask you a few ques—

357. Her legal name is Kahn Souphanousinphone, Jr.

358. She's allergic to celery, sulfites, and cats.

359. Her blood type is B positive. Her first menstruation was—

360. Uh, are you next of kin?

361. Actually, we just started dating.

362. Wanna guess how it's going?

363. I see.

364. Why don't you go down to the cafeteria before it closes?

365. That's a good idea.

366. Oh, before you go, for her weight, you put "None of my business."

367. I know a trap when I see one.

368. Peggy, there's somethin' I need to tell you.

369. I know I often invoke "The Tortoise and the Hare,"

370. but the truth is, when that story was written,

371. the tortoise didn't have the power to throw his nest egg away

372. with a click of a "Buy Shares" button

373. because he'd watched his slow friends make fast money.

374. Are you saying you bought stock in Pig Force?

375. - Yes. - Right before it crashed?

376. It was almost like I caused it.

377. - Oh, Hank. - I know.

378. And I'm sorry that because of me, we've lost our money.

379. To make it up, I can hold off on buying the new jeans I wanted.

380. Hank, we did not lose it all.

381. I sold my shares before the stock crashed.

382. You did? Why?

383. Well, when we sold the company to Pig Force,

384. I heard your voice in my head saying it was all happening too fast.

385. I also heard you say... "Uh, Peggy?

386. You still have to pay insurance on those trucks."

387. But the point is, Hank,

388. I made the right decision because of you.

389. I guess we do make a good team.

390. But that's not what my voice sounds like.

391. Where are you going?

392. Well, I recollect there being two clients

393. that never got their pig problem solved.

394. Call me old-fashioned, but I think a company

395. should do what it says it's gonna do.

396. If you need me, I'll be out trappin' hogs.

397. And I greatly respect that.

398. But to be clear, you are not owed any compensation

399. from me or any company I am affiliated with.

400. Aw! Is all this

401. - for your little brother or sister? - What?

402. Oh! No.

403. These are for my girlfriend.

404. She's not a kid.

405. I see. Cash or card?

406. I was hopin' this would make her feel better,

407. but maybe I know 12-year-old Connie

408. better than 21-year-old Connie.

409. There's a connection problem.

410. I think you're right. What if all our connections now

411. are just memories of the connection we had when we were younger?

412. No, the credit card. Connection problem.

413. Take it out, rub the back on your shirt, and try it again.

414. - Oh.

415. There it goes. All set.

416. I guess so.

417. Connie, I think I know why our dates have been terrible.

418. We've been trying to have somethin' we had when we were kids

419. and, uh, maybe we don't have it now, and—

420. - No! - What's wrong?

421. Wait, are you breaking up with me

422. while I'm in the hospital dying?

423. No! No, no, that's not what I meant.

424. I was saying the adult versions of ourselves

425. might not have the same connection.

426. What if you only like the husky 12-year-old version of me

427. that played wooden spoons on his belly?

428. I loved that Bobby.

429. But I really like this... you Bobby now.

430. I don't even know what I wanna do.

431. But you, you're the bravest person I know,

432. because you knew exactly what you wanted to do,

433. and you are doing it.

434. So, do you like the me Bobby now as a—

435. - [Connie kissing, moaning]

436. That was amazing.

437. Get that cute butt in my bed!

438. I wanna do weird stuff with you.

439. - Weird stuff to you.

440. Ah, I feel so good.

441. Nurse! Another round of this.

442. How about we just talk?

443. Is that pudding?

444. You know it.

445. What was that stuff you stayed up all night

446. studying for before the symphony?

447. There's cool stuff called quantum dot emitters.

448. The shit they're doing in Korea with it?

449. That's exactly how I feel about the stuff I'm trying with kimchi and samgyeopsal.

450. Bob! Let's go to South Korea!

451. That sounds like a date.

452. - Oh. - Oh, ow.

453. - Mm. - Ooh, sorry.

454. It's working.

455. It's working too well.

456. Woo-hoo!

457. - We got your six, Hank!

458. Yeah, man, we got your six, man.

459. - You guys got it! - Yeah, man!

460. We couldn't let you have all the fun.

461. Besides, you're a terrible shot.

462. Well, now that you guys are out here, we've got one more job to do.

463. Hop in, you sexy tortoise!

464. And now that my land is wild hog free,

465. John Redcorn's Texas-Grown Red Corn

466. will have a projected operating profit margin of 38%.

467. So, Hills, what do you say?

468. What does the Hill Family Inc. CFO say?

469. After all, she's the reason we still have dividends left to invest.

470. She says it is time Hill Family Inc. got into bed with John Redcorn.

471. Uh, John Redcorn's Red Corn. The corn.

472. She means the business, not you.

473. I just want to be very clear.

474. - Bill, the creamer's low. - I'm on it!