King of the Hill 14x1

1. Oh, God.

2. Ladies and gentlemen,

3. the captain has turned on the seat belt sign.

4. - We are beginning our initial descent...

5. - ... into Dallas-Fort Worth. - Occupied!

6. It's been occupied since we entered U.S. airspace.

7. That is my husband. He cannot help it.

8. He was born with a narrow urethra, and it's only shrunk with age.

9. The doctors say he now has the urethra of a seven-month-old.

10. Oh, no.

11. Just like in that movie Benjamin Buttons.

12. Well, I used to think that it was his diet,

13. but he has been eating hummus and Ful wa Tameez

14. and falafel since we've been living in Gharb Al Dhahran, Saudi Arabia.

15. And every year, that skinny little tube just shrinks and shrinks.

16. Don't share that, Peggy!

17. - He does not like for me to talk about it.

18. Folks, this is your captain speaking.

19. I'm told there's a gentleman who's been in the lavatory

20. - for an extraordinarily long time. - Oh, God.

21. If there are any medical professionals on board,

22. maybe they could check on him.

23. But you need to take your seats

24. as we begin our descent into Dallas-Fort Worth.

25. Ah, Texas.

26. - [Hank kisses, sighs] Weirdo.

27. Well, look at that.

28. They got a Bob's in the Dallas Airport now.

29. Wait a second. Oh, that's Boba.

30. I don't— what? Are we still in Amsterdam?

31. - What's happening here? - I am calling Bobby.

32. Hello, Bobby. It is your mother.

33. We have landed, or as I like to say, deplaned.

34. We won't be able to visit you in Dallas.

35. It was a 22-hour flight, and your father

36. never fully emptied his bladder.

37. - What the...? - He tried squatting.

38. Peggy, please. He's our son, not a doctor.

39. Well, I don't see how this is any easier than a taxi.

40. The white zone is for the loading and unloading

41. of passengers only. There is no parking.

42. Uh, Muhammad for Hank Hill?

43. Here's my ID— oh.

44. Okay.

45. Abb Shalab to you, Muhammad. Abb shal al hab.

46. I'm sorry, sir. I think your wife is having an attack.

47. She's speakin' Arabic to you.

48. And what do you speak, Muhammad?

49. Do you speak Pashtun? Farsi?

50. I know a few words in those as well.

51. No, I speak Arabic, but perhaps another dialect.

52. I grew up in Saudi Arabia.

53. Well, we were just in Saudi Arabia.

54. I was the assistant manager in charge of Arabian propane

55. and Arabian propane accessories for the Aramco.

56. Everyone there understood my perfect Arabic perfectly.

57. Uh, Muhammad, I think your car died.

58. The engine just shut off.

59. It's okay. It's a hybrid.

60. Oh, wait. Muhammad, can you pull over?

61. I want to get a taco to go and use the bathroom.

62. One thing you don't get in the Middle East is good Mexican food.

63. Uh... oh.

64. Huh, okay.

65. Is that a...?

66. Don't worry, they're both all-gender.

67. Uh-huh.

68. Are we "all-gender"?

69. Things have changed since we've been gone,

70. but I believe I am "female presenting".

71. Well, I don't wanna be presenting my maleness

72. to any kind of woman that walks in on me.

73. That's how you get canceled, Peggy.

74. Irasshaimase!

75. Willkommen! Welcome to Robota Chane,

76. a traditional Japanese barbecue with a fusion of flavors

77. and techniques from the German traditions of the Texas Hill country.

78. I'm your chef, Bobby Hill.

79. Tú trabajas fuerte, Emilio!

80. - Me gusta mucho! - Tú también, jefe!

81. Muhammad, if I were you, I'd get that idle checked.

82. Here's my card in case you don't want to get a car.

83. I don't want to get a car because I have a truck.

84. Even though it's been in storage,

85. I got the trickle charger and the antioxidant,

86. - so it should start right up. - Well, I best get going.

87. - Five stars? - I'm gonna give you a four.

88. That way, it gives you something

89. - to work towards.

90. If you ask me, fives should be rare in this world.

91. We sure are. I do not want to be conceited,

92. but I have been told my whole life, I'm a five.

93. It is from Brian Robertson.

94. "We loved our time on Rainey Street.

95. "You have got about four years left in your water heater,

96. "and I left a pamphlet about solar panels by the stove.

97. - Best, Brian." - Solar panels?

98. What other religious propaganda did they leave?

99. Whoa!

100. - Oh, man, look at that,

101. return of the dang ol' king, man.

102. Oh, wow.

103. I'm gettin' a hug. Okay, emotional.

104. Okay, okay, good to see you too, yeah.

105. And who's this studly fella? I heard rumors.

106. - Your girlfriend's son, right? - Dang ol' Luke Junior, man.

107. H-Hey, Deuce, say hello to dang ol' Mr. Hank, man.

108. W-What? I don't— I'm sorry.

109. - What do you want me to do? - Uh, Boomhauer?

110. What's with the mask still?

111. Oh man, little kid h— dang ol' anxiety, man.

112. Common in little ol' kids, man.

113. Lotta things gone done changed, man.

114. You know, like 'em old Dale, man, or ol' Bill, man.

115. Oh man, you talkin' about 'em— Whew. Oh, that's a dang ol' shame, man.

116. This is the perfect house for our perfect family.

117. This will be our forever home.

118. Those are the kinds of things the lucky couple

119. who buys this nearly renovated

120. Arlen Spanish revival

121. will find themselves saying.

122. Will that lucky couple be you?

123. Selling Arlen.

124. Oh, Nancy, you and John Redcorn are perfect cohosts.

125. Oh, thanks, Peggy. It was Dale's idea.

126. He's so supportive of my career,

127. and the fans love our professional chemistry.

128. And the grilled mackerel with a side of mustard pretzel.

129. Right here.

130. Whoa. It's giving, uh, summer in Kyoto.

131. You make this?

132. This restaurant is my baby, and all the food is inspired

133. by the many influences of my childhood.

134. - I also sweep the floors. - Okay, flex.

135. Wow, you got your own restaurant and you're only like, what, 30?

136. - Lower. - Uh, 28?

137. I'm 21. - So, like a sophomore?

138. Oh, I'm not gonna go to college.

139. - Hm. - Oh.

140. - Mm. - Uh...

141. Oh, that's... fine.

142. I guess I just never met anyone who didn't go to college.

143. Well, I knew what I wanted to do, and I'm doin' it.

144. So, I figured, why waste four years of my life and all that money?

145. I'm good.

146. At least you didn't have to get lectured

147. about how you have "internalized misogyny,"

148. like I did today.

149. - Respect.

150. Cheers!

151. Damn, I really wanna shut down here,

152. but they're havin' such a good time.

153. You know what you should do? Turn the thermostat down two degrees.

154. After a few minutes, they'll wanna leave, and they won't even know why.

155. - Really? - Yup, works every time.

156. Huh.

157. Maybe we should bounce.

158. Oh yeah. I hear there's a kickback at Alpha Alpha.

159. Alpha Alpha? You might know my partner

160. in the restaurant, Chane Wassanasong.

161. Oh, sure, everyone knows Chane. He's the president of Alpha Alpha.

162. I didn't know he worked anywhere, though.

163. 'Cause he doesn't.

164. Beta Theta is having a rager tonight. We should go to that one.

165. Hey, CEO, you should come with us.

166. - Really? - Yeah, let's bring the Iron Chef.

167. - Come on, you guys. Iron Chef, Iron Chef.

168. - You guys really want me to come? - Iron Chef!

169. Totally. I'm going.

170. Come join. You're, like, really cool.

171. Okay. I maybe just will.

172. Iron Chef!

173. This can keep until tomorrow, right?

174. Hey, Iron Chef! Why'd you roll in so late?

175. - I gotta go. - Aw, shoot.

176. Well, I had to lock up and clean the fish off.

177. Well, Amber's inside. Everyone's still vibin'.

178. Catch you another time.

179. Stupid.

180. - Ugh. Hey, sushi king.

181. Yep, a chef never knows when he has to work his magic.

182. That's why I always carry my spatula and a bottle of hot sauce...

183. - Whoa! - ... in my back pocket.

184. Mm!

185. Well, that was super fun.

186. Was?

187. - Yes, it is late.

188. Who's calling at this hour?

189. It's Bobby! He works late hours at the restaurant.

190. Yello, honey? So glad you called.

191. - Perfect timing.

192. - Yello, Bobby?

193. - Hello?

194. No, wait. - It's me, hello?

195. Did you butt-dial me by accident?

196. - Can you hear me? I can't...

197. - Are you eating something?

198. We must have a bad connection.

199. I can't make out what you're saying.

200. - Let me hang up and call back.

201. Hello, you've reached Bobby Hill.

202. - Please leave a message.

203. I assume this means you are too busy with your restaurant

204. to speak to your mother, who misses you and gave you life.

205. I guess we'll see you when we see you.

206. What the hell?

207. Uh, what?

208. You gotta be...

209. I just had to drive five blocks, make a left turn,

210. then go around two more blocks and come back,

211. just to not make an illegal U-turn into our alley.

212. This is ridiculous.

213. That's an extra mile of driving

214. anytime we come home from anywhere to the south.

215. - Green, my ass. - Mm-hmm.

216. Well, you know where you do not see anyone

217. worried about running out of oil?

218. - Saudi Arabia. - Yeah.

219. I've never done it with a guy who kept his shirt on.

220. Yeah, I know, that was a blast.

221. I don't remember having this much fun since I opened the restaurant.

222. What are you doing this weekend? We don't open till 5:00 on Sunday.

223. I know we were vibing, but this was a one-time thing, 'kay?

224. Oh.

225. Alright, yeah, yeah.

226. Well, like I said, this was great.

227. Thank you.

228. Connie Souphanousinphone.

229. Bobby Hill?

230. Do you go here?

231. Nah, I'm at UT Dallas, Johnson School of Engineering.

232. So, what are you doin' here?

233. Oh, I'm visiting a— a friend.

234. Sorry we fell outta touch. Kinda dropped off social media.

235. I did for a minute, too.

236. It was really doin' a number on my self-esteem.

237. Then, I found out everyone uses filters.

238. Now, I advocate positive body image.

239. Hashtag, thick.

240. So, I hear you have your own restaurant.

241. You always were so creative.

242. Look, if you ever are in the mood

243. for some down-home German-Asian fusion classics,

244. come by Robota Chane, okay?

245. I will guarantee a great experience.

246. I'm sure you will.

247. - It's really good to see you, Bobby. - You too, Connie.

248. Hey, you ever hear from Joseph Gribble?

249. He's my roommate! He's doin' great.

250. Tell him hi for me, and I'll swing by Robota Chane, for sure.

251. Mr. Robertson.

252. - Didn't expect to see you here. - Mr. Hill.

253. I kind of got used to hanging out back here, I guess.

254. Yeah, man, dang ol' fit right in, man.

255. Talkin' 'bout— 'bout the same ol' crooked straights, man,

256. that ol' alley, dude.

257. Boy, the place was spotless. Thank you.

258. Did you get my note about the water heater?

259. Don't leave it till the last minute.

260. Who's that, Brian?

261. Who are you talking to?

262. - Hank Hill. Oh, my.

263. Oh, Lord.

264. - Hank! - Well, howdy, Bill.

265. Oh, it's wonderful to hear your voice.

266. What's goin' on? Are you in bed or—

267. Oh, my God.

268. Oh, it's been hard with you and Peggy gone, Hank.

269. I— I might have let myself go a little.

270. - I don't get out much anymore. Much?

271. You haven't left that room since 2020.

272. Oh, no. What are you doin' in there?

273. Oh, a lotta streaming.

274. I finished Netflix, Hank. Yeah.

275. Did you know that when you get to the end of Netflix,

276. you get something called a "wellness check"?

277. We didn't get Netflix on the base.

278. Just Fox News and CNN.

279. CNN? CN-what?

280. Look, when you only get two channels in English...

281. I mean, it was only during the commercials on Fox.

282. Bill, you've gotta get out of the house.

283. Oh, I don't know.

284. - You can order anything online now,

285. and they'll, you know, throw it on the porch.

286. Or at the porch, at least.

287. This shouldn't be in the sun. Some of this is cheese, Bill.

288. Promise me you'll bring Peggy to the wall hole tonight.

289. I miss her.

290. Wall hole? What's that?

291. Oh, I don't know.

292. I forget what you out-of-housers call them.

293. Oh, window, I guess.

294. It's amazing what sticks with you from the olden times.

295. Bill, we're gonna get you back on track, don't you worry.

296. How did Dale let this happen?

297. I was wonderin' when you'd get around to me.

298. Ugh, Dale, how long have you been in that trash can?

299. I can't be too careful.

300. As a former government official, I am on many nations' kill lists,

301. as well as their do-not-accept-checks lists.

302. Former government official?

303. You are looking at the former mayor of Arlen.

304. What? When did this happen?

305. During the "pan-dumb-ic."

306. He ran and won on a anti-mask campaign.

307. And when Bill says anti, I mean anti.

308. No masks for COVID, no masks for tear gas,

309. no masks for catchers.

310. Who voted for that nonsense?

311. I did. Mayor Gribble was the devil you know.

312. And I was already used to him following me home,

313. and his chokeholds are weak as hell.

314. Hey, man, I voted for him just like a dang ol' joke, man,

315. just like one of them dang ol' high school, man.

316. And with a field of 11 candidates to split the vote,

317. I won with a simple plurality of 9%.

318. Well, maybe you can do somethin' about all these got-dang no-left-turn rules

319. and whatever twig boy had these floppy flex posts installed.

320. Ugh, it's like they wanna be a barrier

321. but they aren't man enough to really go for it.

322. Nope, can don't.

323. I was only in office for 36 hours before I figured out the scam

324. and denied the results of my own election.

325. I was an election-denier-denier.

326. Well, you haven't gotten any less crazy.

327. Uh, what's crazy is your blind faith in one man, one vote.

328. Any democratic process that would put me in office

329. doesn't deserve the title "fair."

330. Yeah, you certainly have a point there.

331. It also doesn't deserve the title "free."

332. It cost me $37 to buy the social security number

333. I needed in order to run.

334. It used to belong to a dead 4-year-old.

335. Dale!

336. So, is Bobby gonna stop by?

337. Well, he is too busy stuffing his face at that restaurant of his.

338. Well, that's too bad. It's been so long.

339. It'd be nice to, you know, check his tire pressure

340. and brake fluids for him and whatnot.

341. I'm sure it's been more than three months

342. since he checked 'em.

343. It's so Bobby.

344. Hank, have things changed here more than we thought?

345. Well, Dale was mayor.

346. That pretty much says it all.

347. There's that same damn ceiling.

348. I stared at that old crack before bed for 15 years, Hank.

349. I cannot believe I am back staring at it again.

350. Life was really good in Saudi Arabia, Hank.

351. Alright, I will take that as a sign of, of friendship

352. and welcome to your country.

353. - Thank you.

354. Oh, will you look at these dates, Hank?

355. So plump. And I saved a riyal by haggling.

356. Good thing I picked up the language.

357. - And how much is a riyal? - I have no idea.

358. You know, you don't have to change for me, Peggy.

359. I think you look very elegant in that modest robe.

360. I do so enjoy not getting catcalled every five minutes

361. like back in the States.

362. Oh, did— did you?

363. Guess there was, uh, some of that.

364. I tell you what, they really did their homework here on America.

365. This is what I imagined things were like in the '50s.

366. Oh, Hank, come on.

367. Some of these things had not even been invented yet.

368. Like disposable income.

369. Hank, did we make a mistake coming back?

370. It's gonna be okay, Peggy.

371. America is still the best got-dang country on Earth.

372. We're just suffering from jet lag.

373. See that? We're up way past our bedtime.

374. We hope you will consider our offer.

375. Wow, converting an entire oil tanker to propane?

376. That's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.

377. It would be a two-year contract and 30% more than you were making,

378. and you could come back to the same house.

379. Well, the thing is, we've been lookin' forward

380. to bein' back home in the States.

381. Okay, how 'bout a bigger house with a bowling alley?

382. Oh, wow.

383. We can give you a new wife.

384. She can hear you, sir.

385. Something else, then. Name your price.

386. A boat? A bulldozer?

387. A horse? A machine gun?

388. - What do Texans like? Boomhauer!

389. Is your wife still listening? A beautiful new sword.

390. And by "sword," I mean new wife.

391. Ask if we can give the new wife to Bobby.

392. Well, it is tempting. My wife and I will talk it over.

393. The new wife will never talk.

394. - Quiet as a mouse—

395. Ugh, what happened to this town?

396. Look at all these reflectors. And what kind of food is poke?

397. You know, I'm beginning to think that Aramco base in Saudi Arabia

398. was more Texan than Texas.

399. What happened?

400. Oh, no, not this.

401. Hank, please pull over. I am getting car sick.

402. Let's call the Robertsons first thing when we get back.

403. Maybe they can move back in.

404. Okay, but first, I'm gonna go in and buy a spanner wrench.

405. I don't need one, but I have to calm down.

406. Might as well look for a winch too.

407. Gonna need it to pull Bill outside.

408. You wanna buy some cookies?

409. Are they gluten-free now?

410. Yeah, and they are also probably $50 a box.

411. And by the way, what is a Metaverse?

412. Is that involved here in some way?

413. No, Mister, we're just scouts. And they're only five dollars.

414. Unless you do want gluten-free. Those are six.

415. Buy a box and support our troop.

416. Well...

417. Look at you two. Very cute.

418. And what flavors do you have?

419. Um, Thin Mints, Trefoils, Lemonades.

420. Oh, how about my favorite, Samoas?

421. Oh, we don't have those.

422. Yeah, we do. They're just called Caramel deLites now.

423. It's more respectful to people from Samoa.

424. That's a good change.

425. Yeah, it's nice to be nice.

426. It sure is.

427. - Uh-huh. - Hm.

428. We'll take one of each.

429. Oh hey, is that the new sawzall?

430. Yeah! Is that a Samoa?

431. No, it's a Caramel deLite.

432. - I've been lookin' for a sawzall. - They got 'em inside.

433. - You a contractor? - Well, I'm retired.

434. If you want to use my contractor number, it's an extra 20% off.

435. Well that's mighty nice of you.

436. What kind of contracting work you do?

437. So, you do construction?

438. The new Vogner Char-King.

439. Couldn't get this baby in Saudi Arabia.

440. What can she do?

441. It comes with a touchscreen, preset cooking profiles,

442. and Wi-Fi for remote temperature monitoring.

443. Mm-hmm. Whoa.

444. Oh damn.

445. Yep, they're all over there.

446. I shouldn't have to call technical support to make a burger.

447. - Look who's here! - Hey, Bobby.

448. Come give your old man a big handshake.

449. It's good to see you, Dad.

450. Let me know when you need me to take over,

451. since I'm a professional now.

452. A professional comedian, if you think I'm gonna let you take over for me.

453. Come on, what could go wrong?

454. - Hank! - Hey!

455. Fellas, what's that smell?

456. Oh, I haven't smelled that delicious whiff of propaned meat

457. since... well, since— since you left, Hank.

458. Promise me you won't leave again!

459. Not unless we can take Texas with us.

460. Y'all realize he's butt-naked under that shirt, right?

461. - Yep. - Yup.

462. Mm-hmm.

463. Ugh. Don't share that, Peggy!