King of the Hill 13x7

Directed by Robin Brigstocke

Tom Petty as Lucky (voice) • Andy Richter as Wesley Cherish (voice) • Paul Butcher as Arrow Kid #2 / Robin (voice) • Jeremy Suarez as Arrow Kid #1 (voice) • Zack Ewing as Arrow Kid #3 (voice)

Hank tries to help Bobby become a member of the Order of the Straight Arrow, but he disagrees with the "Arrowmaster" who is a new member of Arlen. Meanwhile, Peggy gets involved in the disagreement as she is the local Welcome Wagon representative.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Bobby, your tire is flat. - I know.

2. - Well, why didn't you change it? - Eh, this gets the job done.

3. Sorry about your boy, Hank.

4. If Bobby doesn't learn to take care of himself,

5. he's going to go from a kid who can't change a bike tire

6. to a man who can't change a car tire.

7. Well, maybe his wife will be handy with that sort of thing.

8. Did ya'll hear about Maxine Sweeney resigning?

9. "Arlen Welcome Wagon Lady No Longer Welcome in Arlen.

10. Really? Let me see that.

11. It says she's been swiping coupons from the welcome baskets for years.

12. That's not all. I heard her husband caught her welcoming

13. one of the new guys in her car.

14. Well, Maxine's humiliating public loss is my gain.

15. Welcome Wagon Lady is the most prestigious volunteer position in town!

16. With her out, this could be the new face of Arlen.

17. This is so much fun!

18. Gossiping and socializing with other married women!

19. But that part is over now. Lucky!

20. Ladies, lemonade is served.

21. Unfortunately, we have to drink out of Lucky's bachelor glasses.

22. I was hoping someone would buy us real married glasses

23. for our wedding, but none of you did.

24. So, Luanne and I have decided it's time

25. to collect our rightful wedding gifts from everyone.

26. Enjoy your beverages. We'll be coming for you later.

27. Dang it!

28. - Bobby? - Hey, can you grab that cereal for me?

29. This bread's too squishy to knock anything down.

30. Bobby, there's a stepladder right there.

31. Right.

32. Arlen and I have some wonderful news.

33. I have been named our town's new Welcome Wagon Lady.

34. - Way to go, Mom! - All right, Peggy.

35. And I already have my very first family. Wesley and Annette Cherish.

36. Formerly of Fort Worth, husband is an accountant.

37. Wife is apparently fertile because they have six children.

38. What's their pet situation? Please say monkey.

39. I do not know, but your father and I will find out when we visit them tomorrow.

40. Wait. Why do I have to go?

41. Because when I say, "Hi, I'm Peggy Hill, and this is my…"

42. there has to be something there.

43. And then there's the farmer's market every Tuesday.

44. Now, I don't want to give too much away, but I hope you like corn.

45. We love corn.

46. Boy, the way you make it sound,

47. if Arlen wasn't in Texas, I'd think it was in heaven.

48. Dad, we're done cleaning our room.

49. Is there anything else we can do to help?

50. Well, you can say hello to Mr. and Mrs. Hill.

51. This is Robin and Kerri, our oldest.

52. - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

53. - Couple of nice boys you got there. - We think they're pretty great.

54. We're looking to get them involved in the Order of the Straight Arrow.

55. Do you know who runs a local chapter?

56. Well, actually, we don't have one anymore.

57. Once American Idol caught on, it got kind of tough to schedule a meeting.

58. But we do have many other great children's activities.

59. There's the arcade. Very popular, arcade.

60. Oh, and the kids love hanging out at the Whattaburger parking lot.

61. Well, what on earth do they do there?

62. - Well, break glass bottles, mostly. - Tsk. Shame.

63. You know, I'd be happy to get the Arrow going again here if I had some help.

64. What do you say, Hank? Want to change some lives?

65. Well, you know, this could be great for our son, Bobby. I'm in!

66. See, when Arlenians put their minds to something,

67. there is nothing we can't do.

68. Except for that AIDS walk. We just couldn't get that together.

69. I can't believe the Straight Arrow is back!

70. This is so exciting!

71. Well, I'm glad it's back for Bobby's sake.

72. The Arrow is just what the boy needs to learn some resourcefulness

73. and stop being, you know… the way he is.

74. Well, Joseph won't be joining.

75. Thanks to my tutelage, he's a level six survivalist.

76. He's been trained to use boys like yours as food and shelter.

77. Check out these handsome fellas.

78. Look how happy I was there.

79. That little guy didn't know what was going to hit him.

80. Hey, look, it's my old Arrow knife.

81. This fellow helped me make a fishing pole, cut more twine than I can remember.

82. Now Bobby will get to do all those things, too.

83. No!

84. Hello, former wedding guest.

85. As you may recall, Luanne and I were bonded in holy matrimony,

86. and you were there to witness said event.

87. Oh, yes, beautiful ceremony.

88. You didn't get us a gift!

89. Uh, sure I did. I got you… a star!

90. But I can't eat off a star!

91. The Gribbles prefer a romantic gift to the practical.

92. Point is, our obligation is fulfilled. I'll be awaiting your thank-you note.

93. We're going to need to change our strategy.

94. Greetings, fellow troopers! I'm Arrowmaster Wesley.

95. Who's ready to have some fun?

96. Yeah!

97. And who's ready to learn some self-reliance?

98. Huh?

99. Assistant Arrowmaster Hank is right.

100. The Arrow is going to teach you to be courageous, independent men.

101. And we're going to start by building our first fire.

102. All right, let's get outside and collect some wood.

103. Oh, that's not necessary, Hank. We're building them right here.

104. Inside?

105. Building a fire is like building a house.

106. You start with a strong foundation.

107. Then come the walls and the roof, and finally a family of flame to live inside.

108. Whoosh.

109. Whoa!

110. Okay, troopers, now it's your turn.

111. That was, uh, creative.

112. But don't you think the kids should learn how to, you know, make a real fire?

113. Oh, no, Hank, that's too dangerous. Do you want Bobby to get burned?

114. I don't know. Maybe a little.

115. You're funny.

116. Hey, what do you say we hand out the Arrow knives?

117. Oh, good, the knives.

118. - What the heck is this? - Great, huh?

119. - Well, it's a toy. - Hey, Dad, look! My fire's roaring!

120. Hey, Mom, Straight Arrow is the best.

121. Everyone's super nice, and we made these cool replica Native American necklaces.

122. Oh, it's very pretty, honey.

123. Sounds like Bobby had a great time today.

124. But don't Indian necklaces usually have an eagle claw or a bear tooth?

125. Wesley thought they were too pointy.

126. Something about that guy seems off. He had the kids build a fake fire.

127. It was just lame.

128. Did you say that to him? Is he upset? Is he moving? I just welcomed him!

129. Well, I didn't say anything, but I feel like I should.

130. The last thing Bobby needs is more "pretend" time.

131. Hey, Hank.

132. Boy, this was a great idea you had,

133. sitting down for a little Arrow brainstorming session.

134. Well, we owe it to the kids to plan some, you know… useful activities.

135. Come on. Let's powwow in the TV room. Annette's home-schooling in the den.

136. This is the TV room? I don't see a TV.

137. - But… how do you watch the game? - The football game?

138. Oh, no. We discourage the kids from predatorial sports.

139. Like football, basketball, tag.

140. So I was thinking we could do a lesson

141. on tying knots.

142. Then we could use them to make something fun, like a bow and arrow.

143. Whoa, bow and arrow is a little too "hunty-killy." Don't you think?

144. But you know what we could make? A dreamcatcher.

145. Yeah, that sounds awful.

146. You know, Wesley, back when I was in the Straight Arrow,

147. we did a lot more "active" activities.

148. Well, the kids are still learning the same skills we did, Hank.

149. Just in a safe, controlled environment. No risk, no danger.

150. - But… - Daddy!

151. During recess, we usually take a family walk.

152. Would you like to join us?

153. Nope, I'm good.

154. We've come for our blender, Kahn.

155. I want to crush ice with the touch of a button!

156. Have you been huffing paint? It's 3 in the morning!

157. You didn't get us a wedding gift, so, now, we're here to collect.

158. Look, we have a year to buy you a gift. And, how should I put this delicately?

159. We don't think your hillbilly marriage going to last that long.

160. Come back in a few months.

161. We're not leaving without our small appliance.

162. Oh, would you like it in chrome or buttercup yellow?

163. He didn't even allow you the dignity of pants.

164. I hate this Wesley guy.

165. You know what we're doing instead of a campout?

166. A "camp-in."

167. Apparently, the woods are too unpredictable,

168. so we're spending the night at the library.

169. Man, that dang ol' disgraceful, man. Talkin' 'bout won't let kids be kids, man.

170. Exactly. Kids are supposed to get dirty and get hurt. We did.

171. Sure, we cut ourselves and burned ourselves,

172. but that's how we learned things were sharp and hot.

173. And we turned out all right.

174. Except for Boomhauer's pinky toe, wherever she may be.

175. Wematanya, guys.

176. - Wematanya, Bobby. - Wematanya, Bobby.

177. - Wematanya, Hank. - Hi, Wesley.

178. You guys will not believe what I did last night.

179. - Face Kicker 3, level 15. I owned it. - All right, Bobby.

180. - Oh, yeah. - That's awesome!

181. - What's Face Kicker 3? - Only the best video game ever.

182. Oh, we don't have any video games.

183. Wait, you don't have any…

184. You guys have got to see this right now.

185. Ah, that should do it.

186. We should probably get on the road so we have time to stretch our hammies.

187. - Go, Bobby! - Kick him! Double-kick him.

188. Yeah!

189. - Come on, get him! Kick him! - Yeah, get him.

190. - What is the matter with you? - I don't understand. What did I do?

191. How could you expose the troop to this garbage?

192. You're a bad influence, Bobby, and I won't have that here.

193. Hey, back off, Wesley.

194. Don't talk to my son like that.

195. Kids, get in the van.

196. Maybe violence is acceptable in your household, Hank, but it isn't here.

197. Where does he get off criticizing our son like that?

198. That's what you do at home behind people's backs.

199. Bobby is a good, normal kid. Not like his little weirdos.

200. Has Arrowmaster Wesley called? Am I kicked out of the troop?

201. The not knowing is killing me.

202. You know, Bobby, maybe it's for the best if you don't go back.

203. But I need the Arrow, Dad. Oh, Arrowmaster Wesley was right.

204. My video games are violent.

205. Making all these faces explode can't be good for me.

206. Oh, sure it can, sweetie.

207. Dad, tell Arrowmaster Wesley I'll do whatever it takes to stay in the troop.

208. Here, destroy this before it destroys anyone else.

209. How could Wesley bad-mouth Bobby like that? I'm as mad as if…

210. as if someone made fun of my own son, which I don't have, which…

211. It makes me even more mad!

212. And now he's got Bobby on board with his asinine way of thinking.

213. What those kids need is a taste of what the Arrow used to be like.

214. What we got to do is get that man out of the picture. Let's see.

215. Too complicated… too messy… we'd need a lion.

216. Hey, I think I know a way.

217. I'll offer to chaperone a shift of the Arrow camp-in.

218. When Wesley isn't around, the kids can finally experience

219. some good-natured Arrow mischief.

220. - I like mischief. I want to help. - Me, too.

221. If I can reach just one child through candy and matches,

222. it'll all have been worthwhile.

223. Oh, no, campers. A hungry bear has entered our campsite.

224. What do we do?

225. Make yourself big and noisy.

226. Well done. You scared that bear away.

227. Yeah. Cool.

228. Isn't this fun, Hank?

229. Oh, I'm so glad you came around to our side.

230. I think you'll see Bobby will really benefit from this environment.

231. - Well, look at that. Time for you to go. - Already? Wow.

232. Thanks again for taking the midnight shift.

233. The kids say the family bed seems empty without me.

234. See you in the AM.

235. He's gone.

236. Put down those books, kids.

237. We're gonna show you what an Arrow campout was like in my day.

238. Dad, this isn't part of Arrowmaster Wesley's itinerary.

239. Campouts don't have itineraries.

240. Now, this is a campout.

241. Hey!

242. You know, we should let them run around the parking lot.

243. Yah!

244. Running on asphalt. Oh, Wesley would love that.

245. Go on, now. Remember, you're not having fun unless you get dirty.

246. - Uh, hey, guys, that's far enough. - Yeah, come on!

247. - Yeah! - Let's go!

248. Robin, Kerri! Ah, dang it, they're gone.

249. Well, we've still got five kids left.

250. That's something.

251. We have to find them, and we have to do it fast,

252. because Wesley is due back here in an hour.

253. Okay, boys, go grab your gear.

254. You're coming with me.

255. Peggy, you stay here in case Robin and Kerri come back.

256. Guys, I need you to stall Wesley at his house to give me as much time

257. as possible to find his crazy kids.

258. - Can do. - You bet.

259. Are you sure about this, Dad? There's no way we can find them.

260. We'll get lost.

261. Then the people who come looking for us will get lost,

262. and we'll lose half the town.

263. Don't worry, son. No one's getting lost. We're gonna track them.

264. Everything that moves through the woods leaves a trail,

265. whether you're a deer or a 13-year-old boy.

266. So start looking for signs like crushed grass,

267. - broken branches, footprints… - What about frosting?

268. Good eye, son.

269. Okay, they headed this way. Let's go.

270. Fried baloney served on silver.

271. We are midnight-snacking like kings.

272. You know, I celebrated my birthday last month

273. and was very disappointed with the gift response.

274. You make a list. I'll call the boys.

275. Dang it. I lost the trail.

276. What we need is a high vantage point, so we can see Robin and Kerri.

277. If we climb this tree, we might be able to spot them.

278. But Arrowmaster Wesley says climbing only leads to falling.

279. Not if you're smart about it.

280. - I'll do it. - Great.

281. Now, remember, climb with your legs and be sure of your footing.

282. I see them!

283. Okay, take out your compass and give us a heading.

284. Aah… East.

285. That way.

286. So, what's the plan, Dale?

287. The old distressed motorist routine. We'll tell Wesley our van is broken.

288. He'll undoubtedly invite us in to use the phone

289. and then offer us a cup of cocoa,

290. giving Hank plenty of time to secure the rogue brothers.

291. Yo, man, heads up, here… Here he come, man.

292. Excuse me…

293. …oh man!

294. - It burns! - It burns! It burns so much!

295. Quiet, I think I heard something.

296. - Yeah. - It's them.

297. Ooh!

298. Now, we can't just jump out like that. We'll risk scaring them off.

299. If we want to catch those two, we have to get them to come to us.

300. Like the way my grandpa uses a duck call when he goes hunting?

301. Well, exactly, but a duck call for kids.

302. Dad, I've got an idea.

303. Hay!

304. Yeah, you're toast!

305. Is that Bobby playing Face Kicker?

306. What's he doing out here?

307. Who cares? I want to kick some faces.

308. Okay, boys, fun's over.

309. My boys!

310. Oh, Robbie, Kay-Kay, are you all right?

311. The kids are fine.

312. We were just outside getting some fresh air,

313. and, you know, listening to the crickets.

314. - Sorry, Hank. We told him everything. - He wouldn't stop spraying.

315. How could you be so irresponsible,

316. letting these boys run around and eat cupcakes

317. like a pack of wild animals?

318. Irresponsible? I let them outside. I gave them some sugar. So what?

319. They needed to have some fun.

320. Oh, so you think you know what's best for my kids?

321. Robin has ADHD. And Kerri's hyperglycemic.

322. Uh… Sorry about the fun.

323. How I raise my children is my business, not yours.

324. Come on, boys, let's get you home and check you for ticks.

325. He, uh, has some good points.

326. I feel terrible, Hank.

327. I had no idea how emotionally involved I'd become with my Welcome Wagon families.

328. I cannot take the stress. I am out.

329. Hey, Dad, we want to learn more cool Arrow stuff,

330. like what you taught us in the woods.

331. - Totally. - Please.

332. Yeah. We brought back some sticks. Can we make something fun with them?

333. Well, sure. How about we whittle a fishing spear?

334. Here, you'll need this.

335. Cool.

336. Now, remember, when you open a pocketknife,

337. - you need to keep your hand… - Ow!

338. Are you okay? Uh… You might want to hold your hand above your head.

339. Oh, it burns so much!