King of the Hill 13x3

Directed by

Breckin Meyer as Joseph Gribble (voice) • Tom Petty as Lucky (voice) • Bob Elliott as Edgar Hornsby (voice) • Chris Elliott as Ed Burnett (voice) • Abby Elliott as Clerk #1 (voice)

Hank and the guys do a good deed when they fix-up a neighborhood house, however after Ted Wassonasong buys the house he decides to knock down the house and build a mansion.

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1. Ripped By mstoll

2. Yeah.

3. Nancy got me a new DVD:

4. Reach For Your Life with Master Stretcher John Brandy.

5. Six weeks, and I'll have a spine like a Slinky.

6. Man, I talkin' 'bout...

7. man, tight on my back, man.

8. Okay, new alley protocol.

9. All future stretching should be done alone

10. and out of public view.

11. Good afternoon.

12. Uh, buenos días.

13. I need four to fix up a house.

14. Cuatro.

15. Hey, this is Mrs. Dwyer's house.

16. Old Mrs. Dwyer sure did like concrete amphibians.

17. It's a shame one ended up killing her.

18. You the buyer?

19. Oh, you speak English.

20. No, I'm her nephew, Eric, from Minneapolis.

21. My condolences.

22. I lived next door to your aunt.

23. What a nice lady.

24. We used to chat about puppies

25. and serial killers through the fence.

26. Wait a... hold...

27. I thought you were day laborers.

28. I just need to get the house

29. on the market as soon as possible.

30. You know any day laborers?

31. Well, I know four day craftsmen,

32. and they're standing right in front of you.

33. Eric...

34. here's the situation so far.

35. Given the roof area, your downspouts

36. simply don't match your drainage needs, and I'm...

37. Look, all I care about is curb appeal.

38. I mean, seriously, do people really look at downspouts?

39. You had us there for a second,

40. I tell you what.

41. Good.

42. Now, stare at your belly

43. and pretend it's not a baby,

44. but something cute like a puppy.

45. Uncle Hank,

46. you're being in my pregnancy photos!

47. Oh, sorry.

48. We're getting Dotty's place fixed up.

49. It's gonna look pretty good

50. once we strip away the layer of old lady.

51. Leg!

52. Kahn, that is fresh sod.

53. You worry about grass,

54. I worry who move into this house.

55. Last thing we need is more rednecks.

56. I just hope it's not another Army guy.

57. That's kind of my thing.

58. Yeah, well, I put up flyer for house

59. at Nine Rivers Country Club.

60. Not to make light of old lady's death,

61. but one redneck neighbor down, four to go.

62. This sweet little house all spiffed up

63. reminds me why I love this neighborhood.

64. It's the people.

65. People with a pride of ownership

66. and a sense of community and respect for one another.

67. It's got-dang beautiful, I tell you what.

68. So true.

69. We should do this to Bill's house

70. when he dies.

71. Well, how about that?

72. Sold in one day.

73. Lucky, looks like you officially

74. have the worst house in the neighborhood.

75. Well, from an investment standpoint,

76. there's no better place to be.

77. I hope these new neighbors

78. aren't sourpusses about loud music.

79. I just got a new whammy bar.

80. Well, I imagine any person

81. who appreciates fine craftsmanship

82. will probably be a fine neighbor, too.

83. Morning, Baron.

84. Count... Captain.

85. Mr. Turtlebee.

86. Hey, you, shut it down.

87. I have a work order to demo the premises.

88. Oh, don't tell me I got the wrong address again.

89. Ted!

90. Wonderful to see you.

91. Wait, can it be true?

92. You bought this house?

93. Indeed, Kahn.

94. I did acquire this property.

95. And today I'm breaking ground

96. on what some people refer to as a "dream home."

97. Proceed.

98. Incredible!

99. When I put up flyer at Nine Rivers,

100. I thought maybe we'd be lucky

101. to get somebody's broke uncle to move here.

102. Maybe, but I never dreamed we'd snag

103. the big kahuna himself, Ted Wassonasong.

104. Whoo.

105. They don't build them like that anymore.

106. This is ridiculous.

107. I think I've actually breathed cleaner air in Houston.

108. What's the matter, rednecks?

109. Progress got you down?

110. Just think, one day soon, I will be able

111. to say two words I've longed to say to Ted...

112. "Hey, neighbor."

113. What is so got-dang great

114. about living next to Ted Wassonasong?

115. Looking at him is like listening to smooth jazz.

116. Well, gotta go make fresh pot of green tea.

117. Ted's using my bathroom

118. and Internet during construction.

119. It's like a fantasy.

120. Bobby, look at those guys.

121. They're not working.

122. They're littering

123. and peeing everywhere and... and scarfing junk food.

124. Construction is a dream job.

125. This is why they tell us to stay in school...

126. So we don't find out how great working is.

127. Man, that dude had a lot to drink.

128. This can't be good.

129. Maybe we should move down the alley.

130. Nope, this is our spot,

131. and we are holding our ground.

132. Hit it.

133. It's man's most disgusting act in reverse.

134. Stand your ground.

135. Yeah, but... Hold!

136. Look at the size of that foundation.

137. I don't think they left room for a lawn.

138. No lawn.

139. How are you holding up, Bill?

140. Not so good.

141. The constant loud noises

142. have made me realize how much I miss my wife.

143. Pardon my dust.

144. Here, I got you all something I thought you'd like.

145. Peach chardonnay?

146. You're welcome.

147. Care to see what all the fuss is about?

148. Oh, my God!

149. It's a McMansion.

150. Looks like a bank.

151. No, a church.

152. Wait, a casino?

153. I don't know what the hell I'm looking at.

154. This?

155. This is your dream home?

156. No, not for me.

157. I am creating someone else's dream.

158. It's what's called a speculation house.

159. You didn't think I was moving here.

160. Of course, we didn't, Ted.

161. You're like a movie star, and we're... we're...

162. Oh, God, I'm gonna miss us!

163. Uh... okay.

164. Can I still use your facsimile machine?

165. We can't just sit here

166. and let this happen to our neighborhood.

167. We've got to stop this thing.

168. I need that chardonnay, please.

169. And as you can see,

170. our homes are of modest size.

171. Nobody has more room than they need.

172. Some have less, but they're better people for it.

173. And then, there's this.

174. Five bedrooms, five and a half baths

175. in over 4,600 square feet of obnoxiousness.

176. Mr. Hill, are you telling me

177. there are five bathrooms in this house?

178. Yep, as asinine as it sounds.

179. And are they en suite?

180. Uh, I don't know what that means.

181. Mr. Hill, I play golf twice a week with Ted Wassonasong.

182. I am sure he's done everything by the book.

183. Affirmative.

184. Yeah, but there is one pending matter.

185. Do you know which agent has the listing?

186. We've tried the gentlemanly route,

187. now we get tough.

188. May I please have the requisite forms

189. for a legal petition?

190. I've been here for, like, forever,

191. and I've only seen a petition work once.

192. And it was for, like, a drinking fountain or something.

193. You know who you should talk to

194. is Edgar Hornsby.

195. He was the master at finding legal loopholes.

196. Now we're talkin'.

197. Where can I find him?

198. They say he's been dead for, like, 11 years.

199. I heard he's been dead for 18 years,

200. but he still got his full paycheck until last month.

201. Benefits and everything.

202. Well, according to this,

203. he's up on the third floor.

204. Mr. Hornsby?

205. Who wants to know?

206. Well, I'm Hank Hill and we need your help.

207. Someone is building a jackass McMansion

208. that's gonna destroy our neighborhood.

209. Cursed McMansions.

210. It would be my pleasure to aid in your fight.

211. Let's try railroad right-of-ways.

212. Any abandoned tracks on the property?

213. No.

214. Native Americans lived there? Visited?

215. No.

216. Ah, the Grushaw Act.

217. Was anyone violently murdered there?

218. Okay, have two former presidents ever shook hands there?

219. Uh, no.

220. Gentlemen, you could spend hours, even days,

221. watching me scoot around in my chair

222. looking for a loophole.

223. And I might take pleasure in that, but there's no point.

224. You're screwed.

225. Hey, man, how about you let me take that dang ol',

226. try that chair, man?

227. Two breakfast burritos.

228. Right here, Manny... And hey,

229. good coffee today.

230. Uh-oh, babe alert!

231. Come and get it! Lookin' good sugar!

232. Hey, mama!

233. Last time I shaved my legs,

234. this house didn't even have a second floor.

235. Still smooth.

236. Really smooth.

237. Ted's using cheap building materials, too.

238. It's all spackle and chicken wire.

239. I don't remember ever hearing them pound in a nail.

240. And I practically live inside that house.

241. Maybe they hot glued it together.

242. I'm not sure how much more I can take.

243. I miss the sun.

244. I'm tired a lot because my body

245. thinks it's always night.

246. Well, I like it.

247. I feel like we fell down a hole into a fairy tale,

248. and now we live next to a beautiful castle.

249. I can't tell if the burgers are done,

250. because there's a got-dang turret shadow across my grill.

251. Hey, Luanne.

252. I've decided

253. I want the baby's first smell

254. to be a cinnamon roll.

255. Oh, that's a great idea.

256. Egress!

257. Let go of my house!

258. Devil house!

259. First you take my daylight, now you want my blood?

260. Everyone step back!

261. This thing's falling apart!

262. It's the end of days!

263. I'm going to get my camera.

264. This story just might be tragic enough to be on the news.

265. My house!

266. We're gonna die!

267. Okay, we have no choice.

268. We've got to take this house down

269. before it takes us down.

270. Heck of a storm last night.

271. Your homeowner's should cover it.

272. It was an act of God, an angry, vengeful God.

273. This was no act of God.

274. Look at those sledgehammer marks.

275. It was the act of rednecks on a drunken rampage.

276. We don't have anything to hide.

277. The only one who did something wrong here was you.

278. Your shoddy McMansion was gonna destroy our homes.

279. We only took it down in self-defense.

280. And for the record, nobody was drunk.

281. There's a chance

282. I may not have been within the legal limits.

283. I'll see you in court.

284. Or more likely in the office of a retired judge,

285. as these issues tend to go to arbitration.

286. This next exhibit, Exhibit 42,

287. will demonstrate the inferior

288. tensile strength of Mr. Wassonasong's fiberboard

289. to that of construction-grade plywood.

290. Here, go ahead and pass these around.

291. Now, for those unfamiliar with tensile strength ratings,

292. I have put together a stress versus strain graph.

293. Mr. Hill, when is this

294. trip the hardware store going to end?

295. Hank is stinking up the place

296. with all his boring facts and figures.

297. People want damning evidence

298. and courtroom drama.

299. He needs to throw a briefcase like Mr. Brady.

300. Something.

301. Now is the time the late, great,

302. gay Perry Mason would spring a surprise witness.

303. Yes, a surprise witness.

304. In my opinion, this was a justifiable act,

305. as was set forth in the 1921 landmark case,

306. Addison Petroleum v. McConnaughy.

307. Whereby homeowners were allowed to tear down

308. tilting oil derricks

309. which posed an immediate threat to their property.

310. Your Honor, it's all right there in the book.

311. Which I need back when you're done pawing at it.

312. I have no bias toward house size.

313. I, myself, have a very big house.

314. A judge should have a very big house.

315. That said,

316. this court rules in favor of the defendants,

317. and does not hold them liable for any damages.

318. Court is adjourned.

319. All right! Way to go! Yay! We won!

320. Hey there, Ted.

321. I hope you're not planning

322. on going higher than one-story this time.

323. Actually, it is not I

324. who will be engaging in new construction,

325. but rather, the city.

326. Are you aware of the term "eminent domain"?

327. Yeah, that's where the government

328. buys your property for public use,

329. but really they're doing it for kickbacks

330. from companies who sign lucrative development contracts.

331. Correct.

332. You see, I found out

333. two can play the Edgar Hornsby game.

334. He dug up an ancient

335. eminent domain statute that allowed me

336. to sell the lot to the city.

337. Gentlemen, enjoy your new power substation.

338. This is terrible!

339. I thought I was gonna live next to a powerful man.

340. Now I just live next to power.

341. It's not all bad.

342. At least we'll get fresh electricity.

343. I know it's ugly,

344. but living next door to a power station

345. means our baby will probably

346. grow up to have super powers.

347. And that will come in handy.

348. Lucky's always getting pinned under cars.

349. Ah, there she is, my substation.

350. God, I love saying "my substation."

351. That thing is a got-dang eyesore.

352. I mean, I don't want Ted's monstrosity back,

353. but this is a residential neighborhood, after all.

354. Well, I do know of a legal precedent

355. involving a public utility and a dairy farm.

356. I'll tell you on one condition:

357. nobody messes with my plaque.

358. I swear, if it wasn't for the possibility

359. of being electrocuted, I'd buy this house.

360. Well, I'll take a fake house

361. over a big, ugly one any day.

362. My head feels funny.

363. Does it look swollen to you?

364. Probably just the stress of this whole ordeal.

365. Ripped By mstoll