King of the Hill 12x5

1. Yep.

2. Yup. Mm-hmm.

3. Yep.

4. That's a good wall, Hank.

5. Sorry again for blowing up your shed.

6. But you knew I worked with explosives

7. when you moved in next door.

8. What are you gonna do?

9. Neighbors, huh?

10. Well, it gives me a chance to try some new stuff.

11. There's a lot about sheds we didn't know 20 years ago.

12. What in the...?

13. That was in my way.

14. Mighty kick, Colonel.

15. And from such a short leg.

16. Dang it, Dad, I hadn't finished framing the shed yet.

17. You call this twigloo a shed?

18. Back in WW deuce I built a survival shed

19. out of bamboo and mud and blood and dung.

20. That shed withstood a direct hit from a Tojo balloon bomb.

21. That sounds like quite a shed.

22. Dad, what are you even doing here?

23. In the neighborhood.

24. Lucky,

25. you look so handsome tonight.

26. Thanks, Baby Doll.

27. You can't tell,

28. but the toes of my socks are gold.

29. Oh!

30. I don't see why I can't go to dinner with you guys.

31. I'm the only one in this family who likes to dress nice.

32. Because we are going to a fancy restaurant

33. that is not for kids.

34. It's called Tokyaki,

35. and they cook the food right on your table.

36. And there's fire and dancing

37. and juggling of knives.

38. But I love all those things.

39. No, Bobby, it's not for you.

40. They flip the shrimps right into your mouth.

41. You catch the shrimp in your mouth?

42. Like Scooby-Doo?

43. Yes, Bobby, like Scooby-Doo.

44. For adults.

45. Well, I hope you have a wonderful night

46. because now I won't.

47. Good-bye.

48. Forever.

49. Oh, I can't believe this.

50. Bobby's babysitter just canceled.

51. Yes!

52. Somebody make me some toast.

53. Don't care who. Do care sourdough.

54. Perfect. We don't have a babysitter, I can't go to dinner, and now he's here.

55. Sounds like you are a woman after all, Hank's wife.

56. Talking about problems, offering no fixins.

57. I guess I'll have to spoon-feed this to you.

58. I'll watch the boy.

59. You'll hang out tonight, Ging Ging?

60. You bet, Bing Bing.

61. Well, thanks, Dad.

62. We cannot leave Cotton alone with Bobby.

63. Uh-uh. Why not?

64. Think about your childhood.

65. Yeah, you've got a point.

66. But you know, even though he hates most things,

67. he does love Bobby.

68. Ow!

69. Well, I do enjoy performance restaurants.

70. There's a lasagna in the fridge.

71. Bobby can reach it.

72. Want to listen to music, Ging Ging?

73. All right.

74. Want to watch me dance, Ging Ging?

75. All right.

76. Hear that, boy?

77. Time to fill my gullet.

78. Ugh... aah!

79. This lasagna's gone cold.

80. Hank's wife can't do anything right.

81. I think you're supposed to heat it up in the oven.

82. Oven?

83. I pee standin' up, son.

84. You see bumps under my shirt?

85. So what are we gonna do for dinner?

86. Well, that seaweed house they just went to sounded good.

87. But how are we gonna get there?

88. You're not supposed to drive anymore.

89. We'll see who can't drive their grandson at night

90. without glasses or a license

91. using a mop to press the peddles.

92. Let's go.

93. Why do they call that an onion volcan...?

94. Oh, my Lord!

95. I see a zucchini on deck.

96. I wonder what he's gonna do with that.

97. We're in the dragon's den, boy.

98. Keep your guard up!

99. And what kind of interment camp is this?

100. Dad, what are you doing here?

101. We're hungry.

102. But I left you lasagna in the fridge.

103. I left it on the floor.

104. Ooh.

105. Hey, everybody.

106. I'm Bobby.

107. Well, what do we have here?

108. A cookin' Tojo.

109. Uh, ¿qué es Tojo?

110. Come on, Dad, we're trying to have a...

111. And I tried having a son who's good enough.

112. Now somebody plate me!

113. That's a bowl.

114. You reminds me of this guy I killed.

115. Or did I?

116. Drop your weapons!

117. Dad, relax.

118. It's just salt and pepper.

119. Now, sit down.

120. Those are Tojo womping sticks, boy.

121. Drop 'em. Now!

122. Hank, control your father.

123. Dang it, Dad.

124. You're ruining at least four birthdays

125. and a graduation.

126. You should be up here, protecting your family.

127. What's wrong with you?

128. Dad,

129. no!

130. Come here, Dad! You're acting crazy.

131. Back off!

132. I didn't want you. I wanted a boy!

133. Yeah, I know, I'm a girl.

134. Now get down!

135. Oh my God!

136. Dad!

137. You finally got me, Tojo.

138. I actually respect you.

139. Well, Cotton's gonna have quite a payday from this.

140. Rooby Roo!

141. Tojos... get down.

142. Stinky, they're in the trees.

143. Uh, it doesn't look good.

144. What's wrong with him?

145. What, are you serious?

146. Okay,

147. where to begin?

148. He has severe burns,

149. a broken hip and torn ligaments

150. in what I can only call his ankle-knees or ankees.

151. Plus he's extremely allergic to shellfish,

152. which caused swelling

153. and an infection in the esophagus.

154. Oh, not to mention the four rusty bullets

155. previously lodged in his chest cavity.

156. One in his heart.

157. He's been worse.

158. Hank.

159. How bad is it?

160. Do they gots to put my hands on my elbows?

161. Well, it's only a matter of hours.

162. Maybe a day.

163. I'm sorry, Mr. Hill.

164. Well, I've got a shed to rebuild.

165. See ya later, Dad.

166. This is big.

167. I don't know how Hank is gonna react to all this.

168. Do you think Bobby knows?

169. Ta-da!

170. No, and I don't think

171. he should be around for this.

172. Hey, would you two mind watching him

173. until things settle down with Cotton?

174. Of course, Aunt Peggy.

175. This will be a great way

176. for Lucky and me to practice being parents.

177. I will play the mother.

178. Perfect.

179. Hey, Bobby,

180. you're going to come stay with us for a while.

181. Why?

182. Um...

183. uh...

184. uh... I'll handle this.

185. Bobby, there's a crazy man

186. killing all the children

187. in your neighborhood.

188. So until they catch him,

189. you'd be in grave danger here.

190. Colonel.

191. I brought you some cigarettes,

192. girly magazines,

193. and the classic Bob Hope comedy tape

194. Put It There, Pal!

195. Bob Hope...

196. class act.

197. Is there anything else I can get you, sir?

198. I ain't going yet.

199. Gots too much to do.

200. Tojos. Shirley Temple.

201. Destroy sissy shack Hank's building.

202. I swear on the lives of my family

203. I will try my best to see what I can do

204. about some of those things.

205. Hank, you want to take a break

206. and go visit your dad in the hospital?

207. No. Hank, he's dying.

208. Don't you think you should be there?

209. He's not dying.

210. I don't think a shrimp from some restaurant is gonna take down

211. a man the entire Japanese army couldn't.

212. So,

213. you want to play Tokyaki chef?

214. Absolutely.

215. Let me go get the big knives.

216. Um, Lucky,

217. can I speak to you away from Bobby, please?

218. W-what are we gonna do after the Tokyaki game?

219. We don't have anything planned.

220. Bobby's our pretend son.

221. We cannot mess this up.

222. So,

223. uh, how's your dad doing, Hank?

224. Well, I'm sure he's fine.

225. What do you mean? Haven't you been to the hospital?

226. I've gotta finish the shed first.

227. I'll see him in a couple days when he gets home.

228. Dale, what in the heck are you doing?

229. I promised the Colonel I'd grant him his dying wish

230. to destroy your shed,

231. and from the looks of him, I don't have much time.

232. Wait. You went to see my dad?

233. Maybe I should visit Cotton and pay my respects.

234. I'm gonna buy him a bear that's dressed like a doctor.

235. You guys are all overreacting.

236. Cotton's tough.

237. He'll be shooting at our feet before you know it.

238. Dang, dang ol', no, man.

239. Uh...

240. you know, uh,

241. I guess my dad isn't, uh, isn't doing so good.

242. Hank.

243. I am both surprised and amazed

244. by this outpour of emotion.

245. Yeah, well, uh...

246. You must go see him, Hank.

247. I'm so glad you're finally coming to terms

248. with Cotton's dying.

249. I have been prepared for years.

250. What are we doing up here, Lucky?

251. Luanne saw a cereal commercial

252. about how kids should be kids and have fun,

253. and since it has all 11 essential vitamins and minerals,

254. we're inclined to believe it.

255. Okay.

256. So what's the tire for?

257. Fun!

258. Lucky!

259. No, it's not safe!

260. Okay, now it's safe!

261. Are you having fun?

262. Hank.

263. Uh, it's okay, Dad.

264. I'm here.

265. Honey, I don't want to put too much pressure on this moment,

266. but now is the time to say whatever needs to be said

267. as it is the last time

268. you will ever speak to your father.

269. Hank.

270. I know I was hard on you,

271. but it wasn't because I hate you.

272. I know.

273. Uh, I know we don't say it enough or at all, I guess,

274. but I love you, too, Dad.

275. You loves me? Dad?

276. What kind of man tells another man he loves him?

277. I don't want to die with my sissy son who loves me.

278. You gonna bring me roses 'cause you love me?

279. No, no, Dad, it-it's not like that.

280. I, I didn't mean it...

281. Get out of here!

282. I can't even look at you.

283. How dare you love me?

284. But I don't.

285. I don't love you.

286. Code blue. Let's move.

287. He's got no pulse. Charge the paddles.

288. Paddles charged, 300. Clear!

289. The last thing I said to my dad was "I don't love you."

290. How can I live with that?

291. I think that was the right thing to say.

292. I mean, the man did spend a lifetime tormenting you.

293. That was just

294. his way.

295. God, why did I pick a fight with him when he was dying?

296. What's wrong with me?

297. Cotton loved fighting.

298. You probably made dying fun for him.

299. Hello.

300. I see.

301. Thank you.

302. He's alive.

303. Keep shoveling coal, Bobby.

304. We got to get to the North Pole before nightfall

305. and give Santa Claus his heart pills

306. or Christmas will be ruined.

307. Lucky, can I speak to you?

308. I'm worried that we're being too easy on Bobby.

309. I read in Jenny McCarthy's baby book

310. that a child needs boundaries and structure.

311. She made Playmate four times.

312. She knows.

313. Bobby Hill, you are grounded, mister.

314. What? Why?

315. Eat your vegetables.

316. There are no vegetables.

317. Don't talk back to your pretend mother.

318. We are not just fun parents.

319. We are also strict parents.

320. Wash your hands.

321. Okay, Hank.

322. I'm coming up with the perfect last words for you.

323. He might not die, Peggy.

324. But you should be prepared in case he does.

325. You're getting another chance at this, Hank.

326. Nobody gets another chance.

327. "I will find out who did this to you

328. "and kill them with my own hands.

329. This I swear to you."

330. Huh.

331. I bet he'd actually like that.

332. Dad, you're alive.

333. I saw the grim reaper and I kicked him in the stones

334. and spit in his eye and told him I ain't going yet.

335. Well, all right, Dad.

336. I also saw the fitty men I killed.

337. They're up there, waiting for me, and they're angry.

338. But I also saw my shins. They looked good.

339. So he's going to make it?

340. Absolutely not.

341. Uh, technically, I don't know how he was revived

342. or how on earth he's talking to us now.

343. Hank.

344. All this dying's got me to thinking.

345. I mights not live forever

346. and there's certain things I'd like done once I pass.

347. But Dad, you're not going to die ever again.

348. I want you to cut off my head

349. and mail it to the Japanese emperor.

350. Put a couple of worms in my mouth to scare that sumbitch.

351. Boy, are you getting all this?

352. I got it.

353. Dad, you're overreacting.

354. I don't know why we're even talking about this stuff.

355. I'm overreacting?

356. Well, you look like you're about

357. to water out your face holes.

358. You got to go, sissy son.

359. Sissy.

360. Get!

361. Git!

362. "We'll be on that beach again, drinking mojitos"?

363. What?

364. Sissy!

365. We're too hard on him.

366. He's going to hate us forever and rebel.

367. We tried being tough and we tried being soft,

368. but we haven't tried doing both at the same time.

369. Bobby Hill, come here this instant.

370. Yeah?

371. Stand up straight.

372. Surprise, your very own lighter.

373. Tuck in your shirt.

374. Tag, you're it.

375. Go to your room.

376. I'll sneak you some pudding. Floss!

377. Marco. I can't take it anymore!

378. Oh, we are going to be such good parents.

379. You need anything, Dad?

380. You're still here?

381. I wants to die alone just like I was born.

382. My mother died sleeping in her apartment.

383. That's right, Hank.

384. I birthed myself.

385. Tore myself right out of her utery.

386. No more stories, Dad.

387. You need to rest.

388. It's my time to go.

389. I've successfully burned all my bridges.

390. Nobody loves me and I don't love nobody.

391. No, that's not true.

392. People do love you

393. and, uh, these people that love you

394. don't want you to die.

395. Really?

396. Who are they?

397. Uh, all kinds of people.

398. Pe-People love you, Dad, and, and they want to tell you...

399. uh, before it's too late.

400. I just, uh, they just need you to know,

401. uh, uh...

402. Dad?

403. You finished?

404. You died.

405. I learned to slow my heart rate to near death

406. so the Tojos would stop torturing me for a second,

407. and I couldn't stand the torture

408. of hearing your baby-crying about your daddy dying.

409. I'm not crying.

410. It's just...

411. I got to get out of here.

412. Is he... He won't...

413. I can't...

414. Everything is going to be okay.

415. Why don't you go get a soda

416. or go splash some water on your face?

417. It's okay.

418. I'm here.

419. You can go now.

420. Go, go into the light.

421. The light is good.

422. You can just let go now.

423. Mr. Reaper,

424. I'd prefer it if you puts your hood back on.

425. Why won't you die?

426. This was supposed to happen to you.

427. You're worthless.

428. You're not even good enough to be married

429. to my worthless nothing of a loser son!

430. Enough! Your son has always loved you

431. despite your constant torture.

432. You want to die alone?

433. Fine.

434. You want to keep coming back and never die?

435. That's fine, too.

436. In fact, I hope you do go on living forever

437. as the unhappy person you are

438. in the hell you have created here on earth.

439. I hope you live forever. I really do.

440. Do you now?

441. Hank, I'm sorry.

442. He's gone.

443. Are you sure?

444. Yes, he has moved on.

445. I should have been here.

446. No, no, you shouldn't have.

447. I mean, he told me what he wasn't able to tell you.

448. That is, he said to tell you he loved you.

449. Really? Mm-hmm, yes.

450. He said he was sorry for the way he treated you

451. and for being unable to tell you himself.

452. Okay.

453. Well, you got your shins back.

454. I don't want to cut off his head, Peggy.

455. Oh, he also said he changed his mind about that.

456. It's a really good shed, Hank.

457. Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout like a dang ol' tribute, man.

458. Yep.

459. I guess it was a sissy shack after all.

460. That was for you, Colonel!

461. Whoo! So long, sissy shack! Whoo!

462. You finally got me, Tojo.